Unable to get comfortable/feel at home anywhere

[Barbarannamated]

Does anyone relate to this feeling? I'm extremely uncomfortable in my own house. I just returned from visiting my hometown and family (troubled), thinking I might feel at home there because of friends. It was very uncomfortable and I became despondent in my family home and bad weather. The only place I feel comfortable is in my sister-in-law's home and our RV while traveling (not sitting in our driveway).

 

It's awful to have nowhere to be able to relax or feel grounded. I do realize it's me and not necessarily the places, but I don't know what to do. I used to be able to drive for several hours per day, but that is uncomfortable, too.

 

Is this a form of akathisia?

[mattinsmom]

I'm sorry. I hope you find your resting place soon.

[Petunia]

It does sound like akathisia, I get it too.  I would describe it as being unable to feel at home in my own body.  Its so easy to connect it with something outside of us, I do it all the time.  Yesterday it got so bad for me I felt like the walls of the house were closing in and I just had to escape, so out of desperation I went for a walk, to try and escape, but of course I took my body with me, the walking was a minor distraction, but I didn't feel any more at home walking around the park. It probably did me some good though.

 

Are you taking magnesium Barb?  I notice that when I take 200mg mag citrate with a warm drink, after about an hour my body feels a little more relaxed, it depends on the day though, some days are worse than others and for me, I usually feel more relaxed in the evening, not yesterday though.

 

You have just had a stressful and disappointing visit with your family, so its understandable you would come home and feel worse, elevated stress levels really increase symptoms in a destabilized nervous system. 

 

You are not alone in feeling this way, there are a few of us here who experience it, but I'm sure there are many more not posting about it.  I have no doubts that its drug related and will eventually go away.

 

I hope you feel better soon

(hugs)

[btdt]

Does anyone relate to this feeling? I'm extremely uncomfortable in my own house. I just returned from visiting my hometown and family (troubled), thinking I might feel at home there because of friends. It was very uncomfortable and I became despondent in my family home and bad weather. The only place I feel comfortable is in my sister-in-law's home and our RV while traveling (not sitting in our driveway).

 

It's awful to have nowhere to be able to relax or feel grounded. I do realize it's me and not necessarily the places, but I don't know what to do. I used to be able to drive for several hours per day, but that is uncomfortable, too.

 

Is this a form of akathisia?

 akathisia? hm

 

I had to look it up again as my understanding of the word did not fit what you were talking about... 

"Akathisia, or acathisia (from Greek καθίζειν kathízein - "to sit", a- indicating negation or absence, lit. "inability to sit") is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of inner restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless. The term was coined by the Czech neuropsychiatrist Ladislav Haskovec (1866–1944), who described the phenomenon in 1901.^[1][2]

Antipsychotics (also known as neuroleptics) may cause akathisia. Other known causes include side effects of certain medications, and nearly any physically-addictive drug during drug withdrawal.^[3] It is also associated with Parkinson's disease and related syndromes.^[4]"

 

^{In my mind this is more a bodily thing where the need to move is extreme I had it a  long time and I see a connection I think your trying to make with it being an ill at ease thing where you just have to get up and leave.} 

I am not sure the term is used in psychological way but I do know what you mean as I have it too...so much so that my family and all people who know me expect it from me.  

I am without wheels now due to poverty but when I had a car they would not be surprised to see I had left in the night... or could not say when I was coming exactly... as I had to get sorted and psych myself up to go any place... beach at 3am yep possible I spent a LOT of time in my car driving... eating reading even slept in my car a few times ... I did not and do not have a trailer... that may be idea for this state  

I explained to a few people that I just have to leave it has nothing to do with them how I feel about them nothing like that it is my withdrawal acting badly and I cannot cope and need to leave.  As time went on I would try to do something a bit different as some people were hurt by it I would walk their dog... go to the store make up an excuse to do something that did not look like running away... and I wasn't running away but it sometimes looked like I was.  

Now this is getting a bit tricky to explain as I think there are different aspects of it.. the homeless feeling ... the needing go ...feeling ill at ease... 

homeless well I don't have my own home and haven't in a long time so it was explainable... needing to go in my mind was all withdrawal... as well the feeling ill at ease ...also withdrawal. 

I guess it could be termed as a sort of psychological "akathisia" or maybe it has another name all its own I don't know.  I do know I feel it too. I think it comes and goes and has improved over time. 

I thought the feeling of being homeless was because I actually was homeless as my home is gone... I never once thought feeling that way could be withdrawal related thought withdrawal just made it worse but the feeling was there for a good reason... I now find you post quite interesting. 

[btdt]

I notice the last wk it is back.  I have been under a lot of stress and taking steroids for an infection.  I was on antibiotics too but the penicilin type that don't react on me. I am thinking it is stress and steroid puffers that brought it back to the plate.  I am not too freaked out by it as I had it much worse before and it eased to the point I could be in the house of my family in the morning.  The last wk tho I really had to force myself to stay with the program and show up for things I would hate myself for missing. I had to force myself to sit states of "not really being there" in honor of a loved one I did it.  I feel I have to still process the things that went on as I could not be present really for the things others were present for. 

 

The beach is my general safe place or use to be when I had a car... I did manage to get there this wk with another person and when it was time to leave I felt like I had not been there at all as the release and peace I was hoping to find there did not exist.  I think I need to do it alone but can't as I don't have wheels.  I will find other ways to climb down off this mountain... grounding exercises work if I had the presence of mind and will to do them... just now I find it tricky to get to that place... I think it will come when I am off the steroids maybe it will be easier actually this post has caused me to be aware of it and that is always a good starting place... awareness.

[NoMeaning25]

I have this really bad. I dont know what its called or what to do to resolve this. Do you have DR/DP? 

[Barbarannamated]

Btdt

 

When I refer to "homelessness", it's not in a physical sense. I do have a tiny house, but no family beyond myself, only sister is estranged drug addict. One psychologist called it "end of family line depression". I don't know... I may just be ascribing a cause to this horrible ungrounded feeling. I feel an inner restlessness all the time and don't get the evening reprieve any longer. I also feel like I'm in freefall.

 

Olivia... I did have DP/DR badly in earlier withdrawal and occasionally now (3 years out).

 

I agree with "wherever I go, there I am".... I can't run away from myself, although this feeling is almost completely absent when staying in my sister in law's home with family. It's absolute worst in my own home. Incidentally, my husband is very detached, bordering on mean, to me in our home, but is very different (affectionate/kind) when with other people.

 

I've upped my Klonopin considerably to get thru my recent trip, which I know is not a good solution.

 

I just realized that this feeling of needing to get out of this house permanently preceded withdrawal, but is much worse now.

 

Thanks for everyone's input.

[NoMeaning25]

I have very severe DR/DP still at 21 months off. It gives me hope that mine will go away too.

[Aria]

I call it "not feeling like I belong anywhere" and I've had it many times. When I was at the beach where I had wonderful memories I felt "like I was finally at home" (it was so peaceful). When I visited family I'd get so worked up knowing I was soon leaving. It was feeling safe, loved and happy but not in my own home. What you're experiencing it awful (calling it "being ungrounded" is a good description) and I'm sorry you're having it.

[Barbarannamated]

Aria,

 

That's it EXACTLY. I like visiting the sister in law because I feel good there, but the whole time I'm dreading returning to my own house. I mentioned this in agoraphobia thread....that I think I'm hesitant to go out because I dread coming home. I've rented several rooms in houses for myself over the years and am thinking along those lines now.

 

I want to walk away from this house, but husband refuses to have another foreclosure on his record.

 

RE: the beach... I dragged him out on a tourist day recently and it was the best day we've had in years. I think we were both surprised. Interesting that btdt's safe place is also the beach. The water supposedly gives off negative ions which are calming, along with beach simply being beautiful.

 

I have no idea if this plays in at all, but the San Andreas Fault runs within a mile of my home. Constant tiny quakes, not felt but possibly sensed in some way..?

[btdt]

Btdt

 

When I refer to "homelessness", it's not in a physical sense. I do have a tiny house, but no family beyond myself, only sister is estranged drug addict. One psychologist called it "end of family line depression". I don't know... I may just be ascribing a cause to this horrible ungrounded feeling. I feel an inner restlessness all the time and don't get the evening reprieve any longer. I also feel like I'm in freefall.

 

Olivia... I did have DP/DR badly in earlier withdrawal and occasionally now (3 years out).

 

I agree with "wherever I go, there I am".... I can't run away from myself, although this feeling is almost completely absent when staying in my sister in law's home with family. It's absolute worst in my own home. Incidentally, my husband is very detached, bordering on mean, to me in our home, but is very different (affectionate/kind) when with other people.

 

I've upped my Klonopin considerably to get thru my recent trip, which I know is not a good solution.

 

I just realized that this feeling of needing to get out of this house permanently preceded withdrawal, but is much worse now.

 

Thanks for everyone's input.

I don't know about the psychologists ideas I have sisters and sometimes I could feel ok with them and sometimes not there was a time I could not feel ok any place there was no sense of home anywhere the closest I came was my car... I think it maybe because I can leave where I am as long as I am in the car ...even the beach was a good place to be when I had a car because I could leave at the drop of a hat... same with visiting people.  At one point I had to have an out in case the pressure to leave became too big.. I would leave. 

 

I completely understand what your saying I know you did not lose your home while I did there were plenty of places in the world I had keys too many friends in different cities their casa was my casa ...this was before in my other life not this life now... I felt completely at home in many places before this new life of mine... even losing my house/home should not change me feeling at home in all those other places I use to feel at home...yet it did it changed how I felt everywhere. I am glad you have one place you feel at home still I don't think I had any place where I felt that way... for a long long time. 

 

I could see how your husband not being kind to you when you feel "unwell" would make home feel unwelcoming for sure... but since I don't have a husband or many people actually being really mean to me... and I still feel this way I do wonder if it is more of a chemical issue... I thought it was a homelessness issue for me only till I read you post now I am rethinking it as another bit of withdrawal.  It could very well be I guess as so many other things we thought we were" the only one who had it" have turned out to be exactly what other people getting off these drugs have. 

 

I can think of a lot of things this has happened with.. like married people splitting when they get on the drugs... like complete about face personality changes those two stick out for me. As they are the fallout but they happen so often I have come to think of them as drug induced issues... I truly have perhaps this homelessness feeling is also another one of these common denominators many have and until one person mentions it we think of this fallout as our own personal issue.  It has happened before that parallels are drawn from one person speaking their truth... this may be another one of those times. 

 

Until we became aware that some of these things are common denominators for many we did not think there was a drug connection.  

 

In the old Marriages Destroyed by SSRI thread we had over 10 thousand posts on that one thread so many people wondered they same thing did the drugs cause me partner to fall out of love with me and leave me... started by one guy name Roy in I tihnk 2007 it snowballed... I for one think it snowballed because there was some truth behind it. Many others had the same thought or they would never have found such a specific post title. 

 

It was a surprise to all of us on that thread to find Helen Fishers biological understanding of how these drugs change our brains and cause lack of bonding because they hinder dopa mine and  the release Oxytocin is the bonding brain drug released at orgasm causing couples to bond...

 

Sexual dysfunction caused by the drugs stops the ability to have orgasm and or the release of oxytocin... hence no bonding personality change came too... I had both...

 

So you sometimes it starts of with a common denominator and ends up being brain science. This turn out to be one more of the common denominator issues that is later on found to have a chemical basis.

 

I find it interesting that so many on here can identify with this issue as I thought I was the only one and also thought it had nothing to do with the drugs or withdrawal but with the loss of my home I think maybe I was wrong.  Before today I did not consider all the other places I use to feel at home and all the times I had to apologize for leaving in the middle of the night.. ect.  Eventually they got it and when they would ask me and I would answer if you see me I am there if not I had to do something else... I am not sure they got it but they did understand it was my personal issue that had nothing to do with anything they said or did not say.  

 

I bet when Roy put that first of thousands post up about his partner leaving after starting drugs he too thought he was the only one who had that issue.. he was putting up a perplexing thought that turned out to have a biological basis.  Nobody could have guessed when they joined that site it would turn out to be science....in the end. 

[Barbarannamated]

Btdt,

 

I agree with your analysis. This may be another manifestation of the oxytocin deprivation caused by SSRIs. Do you know of anyone who has tried an oxytocin supplement? I've never had children nor an orgasm (yes, honestly) and have some curiosity if that may or may not tie in to my other hormonal issues.

[btdt]

Btdt,

 

I agree with your analysis. This may be another manifestation of the oxytocin deprivation caused by SSRIs. Do you know of anyone who has tried an oxytocin supplement? I've never had children nor an orgasm (yes, honestly) and have some curiosity if that may or may not tie in to my other hormonal issues.

I am afraid that is way over my head and may be a good question for our Dear Grace letter if we ever find her.  

I have had a child and had labour induced I don't know if it was induced by using oxytocin or not.  I have had orgasms and I was unable to have any for a long time before I quit taking Effexor about 2 years or so... of course sex became uninteresting to me and I rarely has sex either there was no reason to really the last time was my bf birthday ...yep a mercy one and the last one in 2006 lol that i a long time ago... July 10 2006... 

 

I was numb completely numb in sexual areas for years after quitting E.. then sexual feeling came back in odd places I would feel aroused out of the blue at the grocery store... then bam it was gone again... Then gradual lessening of the numbness but no feeling strong enough to talk orgasm just not completely numb.  

When I had the sexually out of left field feeling I gave sex a go alone and found that a horrid head pain now accompanies approaching orgasm... and it has stuck on the very rare occasions of alone attempts that kind of start to work.. the feelings are not normal.. and the head pain persists.  it actually has a name it is called an orgasm headache.  

 

That is my experience with sex to date.  

 

I will also add that when I started Effexor I became extremely sexual in thought and action and became an exotic dancer at 42 years old yep I call it my extreme personality change drug induced... and I did not come to that lightly ... I was lead there by another who had a watch an extreme personality change in a person he know and loved... so he knew it was possible I had no clue that is how this goes I find ....one persons will lead the next... it was like the sky opening up for him to tell me it was even possible for a person to change so extremely because of a drug... Thanks Charlie 

Every time I talk of this I thank him again and he was from the other site... he was my first life line gave me a possible answer to perplexing questions I could not figure out on my own. 

Now is that too much information sorry if it was but it may helps somebody else and I for one think that is what these sites are all about. 

Peace B

[btdt]

I am not sure adding oxytocin would be a safe thing to do... and I have not heard of anyone suggesting it your the first.

[Barbarannamated]

I am not sure adding oxytocin would be a safe thing to do... and I have not heard of anyone suggesting it your the first.

Just to be clear to others, I'm not referring to the oxytocin drug, Pitocin, used to induce labor. I believe I saw an OTC nasal supplement of oxytocin awhile back. NOT suggesting that anyone use it, just wondered if you'd heard.

[btdt]

Wow that is a surprise to me OTC do you know what the suggested use is? 

I looked studies for autism

 

focused on this for my own reasons

"Averbeck adds, “If there is no cognitive information in a situation in which a decision has to be made, like whether to trust a stranger about whom nothing is known, the brain will go with the emotional advice from its oxytocin system, but otherwise rational data will be weighed against the influence from oxytocin and may well override it.”

Sounds like what I had with Effexor. 

 

Scares the **** out of me. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201312/can-oxytocin-improve-brain-function-in-children-autism

 

As much as I want this to be over I don't want to be a lab rat any longer. 

 

and they are now calling it a neurotransmitter 

"Dr. Averbeck is intrigued that a substance like oxytocin can affect such high-level human behavior. He said, “It’s really surprising to me that this neurotransmitter can so specifically affect these social behaviors.” Although the jury is still out on whether oxytocin can improve brain function in children with autism, the potency of the ‘"love hormone" seems undeniable."

 

Run Forest Run!

[btdt]

All my fear aside I am now curious about the role of oxytocyn in humans. of course wiki is a good place to start.  

I wonder what part it plays in orgasm headaches for one.  

I can think of two threads off the top of my head that could be started from this thought ...orgasm headaches in withdrawal how common is it... what part the neuromodulator place if any in those... the physiology of orgasms... and the recovery of the brain after pysch drug use.  It could go on and on and I feel this may be hijacking your thread... 

If you would like me to start a new thread with a new title just say please. 

Oxytocin (Oxt) /ˌɒksɨˈtoʊsɪn/ is a mammalian neurohypophysial hormone (produced by the hypothalamus. Stored and secreted by the posterior pituitary gland) that acts primarily as a neuromodulator in the brain.

Oxytocin plays an important role in the neuroanatomy of intimacy, specifically in sexual reproduction, in particular during and after childbirth. It is released in large amounts after distension of the cervix and uterus during labor, facilitating birth,maternal bonding, and, after stimulation of the nipples, lactation. Both childbirth and milk ejection result from positive feedback mechanisms.^[1]

Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, and maternal behaviors.^[2] For this reason, it is sometimes referred to as the "bonding hormone". There is some evidence that oxytocin promotes ethnocentric behavior, incorporating the trust and empathy of in-groups with their suspicion and rejection of outsiders.^[3] Furthermore, genetic differences in the oxytocin receptor gene (OXTR) have been associated with maladaptive social traits such as aggressive behaviour.^[4]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin

[btdt]

wow I could almost cry I just lost one of the most important posts I have ever made here...

can't do this anymore... 

 

this is the last thing I saved copies above from this link

http://innovativemen.com/mood-enhancement/

"“Interestingly, people given oxytocin don’t report feeling any different, but they act differently."

 

 

I will say all the people who have had extreme personality changes and have experienced their lived becoming "not their own" say the same thing... they have not changed they are completely unaware of the change... as was I for years....this is a warning about this drug...and all brain drugs. 

[btdt]

From the prozac backlast or talking back to prozac one of those books... 

it takes 30 years for the truth about a drug to become know it first has to be off patent... that is a start but new drugs simply take this long for the truth to be know be wary of all new ones...

 

Our Daily Meds 

Drugs that you don't expect to change your personality and your brain DO change your personality and brain.. I have seen this one myself... in the book they speak of a toenail fungus drug... it has affected a person I know in this way... read the book it will surprise you it did me. 

 

How many other drugs have the ability to make your life not your own... I know ssri can...  I know a toenail drug can what others ?? that is a big question mark... I don't have 30 more years to be a lab rat.

 

Long term affects may be the scariest bit of it all.  

[Chemistry]

I feel like i get this too! the always uncomfortable/ungrounded feeling but for me it might  be slightly different. I always thought it was a mixture of:

-Stress (constant tight muscles, charged nervous system, always 24/7 feeling stressed for no reason, can't properly relax - but still able to sit pretty still),

-DP/DR (loss of connection with self and rest of the world, always in my own mind, over thinking, never present in the moment)

-and of course, anhedonia (inability to find pleasure in being home, relaxed, feeling good, etc). 

 

I've had times where i felt it got better, where i felt i could relax more, the bed sheets felt nicer on my skin, etc but theyre very small improvements and dont happen often. 

[Nadia]

Hey Barb,

 

I can totally relate!! I even considered moving, because I'd come to attach negative feelings to my apartment. Not just restlessness, but dread and horror, even. There was also this smell that was driving me nuts... a metallic smell that we FINALLY figured out was coming from clothes washed in my boyfriend's washer. It took months but it's finally almost gone (the smell can knock me back to feeling DP/DR).

Going away I would feel so much better, only to be dragged back into horror on returning home. I would liken it to how they represented what characters felt in the Lord of the Rings movies when they put on the ring. Lately, things are better at home most of the time. I've somehow been able to break with the negative associations. It might have helped that we tried to re-purpose some of the rooms and we rearranged the living room. I've also had people over, and somehow that makes me look at my space in a new light. It's still the place I feel worst and I need to get out sometimes, but I think re-imagining it has helped me. Sometimes I picture sweeping out all the stuff that is psychically stored here and bringing in new energy... it's a positive visualization we do in Chi Kung, and it helps! I like your idea of renting a place, too... I feel getting away has been ESSENTIAL for me.

 

Hope things improve for you.

 

Nadia

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks Chemistry and Nadia for adding your experiences.

 

Nadia, interesting about the smell. I am extremely sensitive to smells, sometimes to the point that I can't eat at all. There is an strong odor in my house that husband and neighbors say they can't smell. When I visited my dad, his house smelled very foul of cat urine (confirmed by a friend). I was going to go to a friend's or hotel, but my father acted so offended because he couldn't smell anything (though he did witness the cat peeing on the carpet). I put VICKS Vaporub in my nose to block the odor.

 

A few months ago, a neurologist ran another MRI to rule out hyperosmia possible coming from a brain tumor. I also have hyperacusis (extremely acute hearing), but knew that was common in withdrawal. Makes sleep very difficult. I can't see worth a darn, though

 

Thanks for your ideas and suggestions. I have tried smudging my house using burning sage, I believe. I can't say that I noticed a difference.

 

Good to hear from you, Nadia! I hope you're doing well.

[Nadia]

Thanks, Barb! I'm actually quite well, though I do have my ups and downs and think I am capable of more healing before this is all over. I wish you more healing and better days ahead as well. If moving around and going places makes you feel better, and you can do it, I'd go for it!

 

I am so, so sensitive to smells, it drives everyone around me nuts. A bad or strange smell can literally make or break my mental state! I don't think my hearing is more acute than normal, but I get overload if there is too much noise around, and it can disrupt me for days after. Thankfully I seem to get less and less sensitive. I know I'll always be more sensitive than other people, as I was before meds anyway, but now I know it's OK to be this way and I just need to do what I need to do and not worry about what other people think. Decreasing my "oversensitivity" was one of the main reasons I took antidepressants. The sensitivity I have had post meds is beyond that, though, and has much improved in the past year and a half. I look forward to being back to my "normal" sensitive self entirely!

 

Take care!

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks for validating the smell ~ mental state association.

 

This house has such a terrible energy for me and husband both. We can be away for awhile, getting along ok, then as soon as we walk in to house, we both shut down emotionally and don't talk or touch. We've put so much $$ in over 11 years and contractors now advise us to tear it down, it's in such poor condition. We originally bought it to live in for a few months and then rent out when found a more suitable one. I'll also have to put my horses down in order to move out. That could kill me in the emotional state I'm in.

 

Another possible contributor to the homeless feeling.... my mother died since ive been in withdrawal and ive heard people say that creates a homeless, orphan-like feeling. Returning to my hometown recently and feeling so ungrounded there, too, was very distressing. I've been having much more than usual suicidal ideation.

 

Ok, off to find an apartment today!

[btdt]

I am the same with smells still light and sound sometimes. 

[sunnydays0912]

Aria,

That's it EXACTLY. I like visiting the sister in law because I feel good there, but the whole time I'm dreading returning to my own house. I mentioned this in agoraphobia thread....that I think I'm hesitant to go out because I dread coming home.

When I was feeling my worst after trying to stable back onto Lexapro, and then post-poopout, this was me EXACTLY. It was so discouraging. I couldn't stand being home and I think it was because I was so sensitive to the fact I was alone (caring for my 2 young kids, but still alone) and I just couldn't cope with that or how horrible I was feeling while being there nearly 24/7. Whenever I got a chance to head to my neighbors house, I'd feel a lot of relief just from being in someone's happy home and conversing and laughing and joking around. It was like a huge relief from so many of my symptoms and sadness. But I also dreaded going home the whole time. I knew once I'd go home, I'd instantly feel horrible again. I wanted to stay there. I felt like I was apart of their family or whatever. It was like a desperation to feel welcomed and wanted somewhere, whereas in my own home I'm alone and wallowing in my symptoms. I was so unable to just relax and feel at home or happy to be home.

 

I still get like this but it happens much less often since I've been able to stabilize some. But I so understand.

[Barbarannamated]

There's definitely a common theme here.... dreading being at home. Husband and I just talked about clearing and moving out of our overrun rural property. He wants to do it himself but wants me to move out first so he's not stressed about me.

[Nadia]

Great idea, Barb! If we think of this in terms of "neurons that fire together, wire together", and the importance of creating new neural pathways to break out of our negative symptoms, it absolutely makes sense that we need all the help we can get to feel better. Changing your environment can be key.

 

Anything to get your brain out of the rut it's in and onto better patterns. It's like changing the channel in a very big way. I've noticed that, until I get the dread of going back, every time I've gone somewhere new that I like, just the newness of the environment can break me out of my anxiety and distract me and set my brain and body to healing. The more these experiences accumulate, the better I have gotten. It's not linear, there are peaks and troughs, but I see the pattern in retrospect.

 

It is only in the past few months that my home does not immediately set me off feeling bad... I realized one day that leaving it often and being in other environments enough eventually (and I mean years later) made me more resilient to be OK in it. Suddenly I realized that I was spending enough time away from it to bring that "newness" back with me, and that my perception of my environment is slowly mutating and improving. I think if I moved it would have a tremendous impact on my wellbeing, but it's hard to make huge changes because that can also set off my anxiety. For now I'm trying to spend as much time in environments that give me a good, happy, feeling like Sunnydays describes.

I'm incredibly sensitive and I can get these "good vibes" from friends, and sometimes even strangers. For example, if I pass a really happy dog that is running around, it is like an injection of good feeling. I try to be conscious of it and think of it as charging up my battery. Of course, I also can be overwhelmed by bad stuff, so I try to make a conscious effort to "expand" the good vibes as much as possible and just not worry about the bad stuff.

 

I really hope you find a place you like to rent, and that it helps to clear all the "stuckness"!

[Bellisimo]

I think its a form of akathisia, Im also like that, I "Think" i will get better and feel better if i just go to another town or something, i was away for not long ago and i felt exact same thing there in that home...

 

some serious akathisia hits me sometimes (many days in a row in a period) and i cant sit still, i cant lay down , i cant relax at all, All the help that time is walking around for hours.. only then i can relax a bit after.. akathisia have been the most terrifying thing happening to me

[btdt]

What of the horses can you board them some place else?

[btdt]

I think its a form of akathisia, Im also like that, I "Think" i will get better and feel better if i just go to another town or something, i was away for not long ago and i felt exact same thing there in that home...

 

some serious akathisia hits me sometimes (many days in a row in a period) and i cant sit still, i cant lay down , i cant relax at all, All the help that time is walking around for hours.. only then i can relax a bit after.. akathisia have been the most terrifying thing happening to me

" walking around for hours"

Same here.  I am so grateful to not start breaking my foot till I was beyond that stage.  I am mostly sure it has ended for me... still I would rather walk by water if i can for any sort of leaning in the direction of akathisia or anything similar... as there are states much like it I have found but less intense. 

[Barbarannamated]

What of the horses can you board them some place else?

Boarding out in my area costs about $500 / horse / month. Slightly less on own property. It's an option, but not for long.

Thanks for thinking of it.

[btdt]

Your welcome I think it is cheaper in my old old home town either that or my relatives are making a small fortune. Could be either I have never asked.

[Ignacio]

hi barbar I just read a bit of your post. I can quite relate to what you feel. I have sensed akathasia also but usually with going for a walk or being prepotent with my family i cope with it. 

I was just thinking my house wasnt always a place were I was best understood. I felt that with my cousins I was more respected. They werent always paying attention I was okay, which can sometimes feel like a demand. Sometimes not talking about my situation and just doing things was better for me.

Just adding some thoughts. I hope you feel better

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks for your comment, Ignacio. I'm having a particularly hard time with this at the moment. Feel like my body and mind have been in flight mode since withdrawing quickly in 2011. In the last 2 weeks, I've been at my house in CA, then to vegas for a week (Father in law day), back to CA for 3 days when I became so frantic to get back out that I booked a flight for the next day to friend in Texas and now, a week later, feel I have to flee Texas to go back to CA or my hometown in PA. Obviously, the problem lies within me but I keep searching for *home*. I feel horribly homesick, but have noplace I feel at home.

 

I suspect this may also be related to lack of family and any place or role in this world.

[Petunia]

Hi Barb,

A while back I read somewhere, but I don't know where, that akathisia can manifest as an overwhelming urge to drive around or other forms of travel.  When I read it I thought about how earlier on in withdrawal, you got in your car and started driving.  Does this current urge to keep relocating feel at all the same?

 

Petu.