☼ Adiip: I hope I can help and be helped, emotional anaesthesia/numbness

[Adiip]

Hi, my name is Adrian, I am a 35 year old male from Australia.

 

My story is about emotional numbness/anhedonia, but first here's a bit about me.

 

PLEASE READ THIS, because I am proof you can recover from prescription withdrawal.

 

I was taking Xanax for years, since I was 17 for about 5 years, and a lot! about 10mg a day.  I quit over the course of a month and went into severe withdrawal, had every symptom in the book, and I mean EVERY!!! recovered over 4 years and continued to get better over the next 10.  Went on to own my own business, became an international edcator, exercise freak running 11k a day. YOU CAN RECOVER, AND YOU WILL.

 

But this is not the story.

 

1 year ago I pushed things way to hard, exercised and dieted too much, took on too much with work, and one day I snapped. Started having panic attacks every day, the fatigue got very bad and I had to stop work for almost 3 months. Didnt want medication so I kept fighting getting nowhere.  The emotional numbness was starting to set in for moments, but it scared me and sent me into another panic attack and so the snowball began.

 

Took a better blocker propranolol, all it did was make me completely emotionally numb, which would wear off when the medication wore off.

 

Took ativan and klonopin, had adverse reactions to them (probably as a result of my previous history with meds and withdrawal)

 

Started taking citalopram, became extremely fatigued, walking off balance (I think afer previous meds and withdrawal you become hyper sensitive to more meds) so I tapered off after 6 weeks.

 

Thats when the emotional numbness completely set in. Cant feel a thing, almost no emoton, no physical sensation to things like massage.

 

Every few days, if I do positive thinking and talk to myself or go out for walks and smell flowers, and tell myself its just my body's way of protecting itself, I get a rush of adrenaline and im less numb than before.

 

This brings me to the conclusion that the emotional numbness is your body's way of healing, don't be frightened of it!

If I focus on it it gets a lot worse, ive had periods of feeling ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!  If I talk to myself and tell my self thats its ok, I start to feel a little bit better.

 

I feel that my physical symptoms are going away with the numbness.

My burning and tingling feet are healing, my fatigue is lifting, no more headaches (the tension headaches were every day and I could hardly open my eyes)

 

I am keen to hear feedback from others, and I would like to provide others with hope and insight.

 

I have been able to reurn to work and move on with my life.

 

Don't underestimate your body and brain, it will do what it needs to to get you better, and if that means shutting off your emotions for a time it will!

 

The brain is very adaptable, during my first withdrawal and recovery, the more I looked at my symptoms as signs of recover the quicker I got better.

 

I power walked every day, and yes, it started as not even being able to get to the end of the street and back and then sleeping for hours, but it ended up at running a kilometer in under 4 mins and doing marathons!

 

I know this post is all over the place but I have a lot to say, and I am a survivor, and I want to continue to survive, so anyone with stories of recover or insight into emotional numbness please correspond with me.

 

Love to you all.

 

P.s who is Allostrata? (spelling sorry!) what an inspiring person.

[Fresh]

G'day Maaate , welcome to SA , waving at you from Sydney.

 

Well done for living through what you have , and then for sharing it with us here.   People always like to hear about others who have been able to stop taking a benzo

or antidepressant successfully.

 

What you describe that happened a year ago is all too familiar  - you go to the doctor about something and they're usually very quick to write a script.   The fact that your reactions to Ativan and klonepin  , then citalopram were adverse suggest to me also that your cns has become sensitized to a lot of meds , and you will need to be very careful what you take for many years to come. 

 

When you started having panic attacks a year ago , they may have been triggered by something like antibiotics , nasal sapray , asthma meds , or even nutritional supplements.   Had you added anything particular when you were "exercising and dieting too much"?  

It may even have been from the stress at work.  

 

You might try looking in the Symptoms and Self Care section . . . depersonalization.

 

Once again , welcome aboard.

 

Fresh

[Adiip]

I went vegan and my anxiety went through the roof! I have been very sensitive to nasal spray and antibiotics and b12 and everything! Coffee, the bloody works! But I think it was the compound of everything that tipped me over the edge. Meds definately revv up my system though, a lot!

[Fresh]

Absolutely understandable.    If your genes that metabolize all these substance are stuffed (compromised)   you could be triggered by any of them.  

They become toxic for you.

 

From your description , and my own experience (see my intro. , post 1), I suspect that things were beginning to ramp up a while before the first panic

attack last year.

When you started exercising too much , feeling stressed at work , etc ,   you were starting to have symptoms of the same episode that culminated in

panic attacks.

Just a thought.

 

Glad you found your way here.   Others will be along to offer support , information and suggestions soon enough.

 

Are you following this topic?

 

  Fresh

[Adiip]

Things were definately getting pretty odd, your right. Was having disequilibrium spells, getting obsessed, getting very tired! Then used an ear drop and it made me very angry! Then a few weeks later, wham! I ant figure out how to follow this post on mobile but will do it on the computer when I get home

[Adiip]

The funny thing is, since withdrawal I have had numerous operations and taken antibiotics with no problem, that's why I think it's the combination of stress AND the meds, 1 plus 1 equals BANG! lol

[Petunia]

Welcome Adiip,

Thank you for sharing your inspiring story and for writing such an encouraging introduction post, reading it made me feel more hopeful about my own situation, I'm in protracted withdrawal and have been having problems with exercise, I sometimes get scared I wont ever be able to work out like I used to.

 

I agree with Fresh, that it was most likely a combination of factors which brought on the panic attacks.  The physical stress from too much exercise and diet changes, the emotional stress from too much work, the nervous system can only take so much stress before it reaches its limit, then it will start sending out warning signals, hoping to get our attention so we will make some changes in our life.

 

Unfortunately, many of us ignore those signals and try and shut them out with drugs so we can continue living life the way we want to.  In your case, it seems like you had an adverse reaction to them, possibly because you had been sensitized from your prior experience.

 

I like your theory that being emotionally shut down is our body's way of protecting us from more stress, so that we have a chance to recover.  Excitement, joy and intense happiness can feel overwhelming to a sensitized nervous system,  just like the more negative emotions can.

 

I'm sure you will recover in time, as long as you make some changes in your life and learn how to reduce stress and take better care of yourself.  It can take a while for anhedonia to go away, but it does eventually.  We have a topic about it here:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2873-anhedonia-apathy-demotivation/

 

Have a look through our symptoms and self care section for ways to support recovery, especially read the topics pinned at the top.

 

Please would you put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature.  Putting a short version of your drug and tapering history in your signature helps people understand your context, it appears below each of your posts.  Here are instructions for how to do it:

 

http://survivinganti...your-signature/

 

You can use this thread as your ongoing journal to track progress, write about symptoms, ask questions and communicate with the community, add to it whenever you want.  I'm glad you found us.

 

Petunia.

 

 

[Adiip]

Thanks Petunia, signature done! And cute apple

 

Life is about learning, I didnt listen the first time and I am a firm believer that it came back to bite me again...

 

Interestingly, with the emotional numbness I feel strange movement in my head, like muscle movement (even though im fully aware my brain isnt a muscle, but just to describe the feeling)

 

Also, since the numbness took hold, I am physically recovering. Energy is increasing, went from 11 hours sleep down to 8 or 9, and pretty solid.

 

pins needles/neuropathic pain in feet/toes is decreaseing.

 

Dizziness/disequallibrium is almost gone! Chest pain is almost gone.

 

Supports my theory that the brain shuts down so you can heal (im holding on to that one)

 

I am still scared that all the emotions will come flooding back and ill be back at square one, but I guess thats normal.

 

Positivity is the key! I get out to work every day, I go for walks and smell every single flower I can, I listen to music, do as much as I can to encourage healing, I love life, I try to look at this as a learning experience, and definately a spiritual one.

[mammaP]

Hi Adiip, welcome from me too. You really are a survivor and I bet right now you are kicking yourself for going back to the meds! I'm glad that you are getting better again and hope that you feel back to normal soon. There were some changes in lifestyle that maybe upset things a bit and led to that trip to the doctor. A complete change of diet can take a while for the body to adjust and brain fog, irritability and tiredness can result until the body has adjusted. Heavy exercise and stress added too and it is not long before things go to pot as you have discovered.  I love your positivity and that will be a huge part of your recovery again. 

[Fresh]

Adiip , I love the apple , it's very cheerful.    Have you found the Australia room yet ?    It's in the relationships section.

 

I have similar beliefs about not being given more than we can handle. 

I've found that the emotional numbness resolves bit by bit , and though it may feel like a flood  at the time ,  it's a flood , not a tsunami.   You won't be sent back to square one.

 

So happy that everything's on the up and up.

 

[Adiip]

Thanks for the support guys! Just to clarify, I was in a pretty bad way before the Citalopram, I couldn't work or even walk to the end of the street! It was taking the Citalopram, even with the numerous horrid side effects that got me back to work, and now with the emotional numbness, i'm still in a much better way physically and mentally than i was, hate to say it, but it may have been a blessing in disguise.

 

I'll have to check out the Aussie room, although it may get a bit rowdy in there

[Altostrata]

Welcome, Adiip.

 

I think your theory is correct, the emotional anesthesia seems to be a way for our nervous systems to limit stimulation.

 

It does sound like you're recovering from your recent setback.

 

In honor of your excellent attitude, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

☼

to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

 

PS I confess to being Altostrata, I founded this site with about 2 dozen others almost exactly 4 years ago.

[Adiip]

Hello lovely Altostrata! I feel like a famous person has replied to my message, anything you type on on the net your name comes up!

 

Such an inspiration to so many and very helpful positive advice, thank you.

 

I feel like the numbness is widening and not such a small void, I know that probably makes very little sense but it's hard to describe.

 

I know a change will happen when I get a strange headache and start to sleep a lot and feel a bit fluey, a bit of anxiety starts which is a welcome change to the numbness.

 

If I wasn't so tired all the time I wouldn't be so bothered, running a business feeling tired is pretty awful.

 

Love and light and lots of healing energy to everyone xx

[Altostrata]

Thank you, Adiip.

 

Please visit often and tell us how you're doing.

 

The symptoms will very, very gradually disappear.

[Adiip]

It's been a while since I've updated. I have been working full time running my business which has been quite difficult. Recovery can happen at any time, and happens in stages and great big lumps sometimes! For a couple of weeks I felt quite bad, the emotional numbness, headaches, head pressure, extreme fatigue and pine needles was terrible. Yesterday my brain felt like it was on fire, the head pressure was at an all time high. I'm a hairdresser so how I got through the day was beyond me! Then the symptoms started to fade, slowly during the end of the day, then I felt peaceful, my energy returned and I felt better than I have ever felt during this crazy time! My emotions came back mostly and for a while, they have gone again a bit now but I'm not scared because THE WORSE THE WAVE THE BETTER YOU FEEL AT THE END OF IT. My day yesterday was proof of that so no matter what your experiencing please don't give up hope. The worse you feel now, the better you will feel, thinking this way will make all the difference I promise.

 

The brain burning/rotting feeling was very intense and scary, I felt brain damaged, then it faded, it was weird, it was like something was reconnecting throughout the day then reconnected. Now the wave is back, but at a fraction of what it was before, healing the rest I'm sure.

 

Love to you all, let this be hope to all, you are on this path which seems long and hard, but it will end, everything that has a beginning has an end.

[Fresh]

What a positive update , thanks Adiip   .  

[Adiip]

Thanks Fresh, the more I look at this process like a rebirthing the better I feel on the inside

[aberdeen]

I love your attitude. Im a Christian and I believe God has wired us perfectly. Ive read a lot about anhedonia (Im a fellow sufferer) and so many report it follows intense stress and anxiety, in my case that stemmed from poop out and a very harsh WD from dropping Effexor too fast. The anxiety was screamingly intense for many months and when it passed I was numb. By then I was on Paxil and have been tapering that for 4 yrs and the anhedonia is making a very very slow gradual improvement, tho at times I dont see it at all. But to believe its our makers way of preventing more stress, much like a cast on a broken bone, is so encouraging and I like to see it that way too. Its scary and hard, I have growing children and feel Im missing out on so much joy and love. But I go thru the motions and it must do something, and for them I pray they dont notice. Now that the weather is nicer I plan to walk more, I feel better in nature. No pressure. I'll check in on you again, and love your approach!

[Adiip]

Hi Aberdeen, I absolutely agree with you. I believe anhedonia and numbness are a protection mode for the brain, always remember the alternative is far worse, I have experienced both. Emotions come back when your body is ready. I tell myself my body is very clever and knows what it's doing, love the way you think, which means you will be ok, you know that innately, I can tell

[aberdeen]

Thank you! I see that in you also! I seem to have negative emotions now, they returned first. In the beginning, esp on the full dose of Paxil I  couldnt even feel sad and couldn't cry. Then came anger and the ability to cry and feel sadness (though blunted). I would call that apathy, the absence of all emotions. Anhedonia seems to be more of an absence of the positive ones. Though at times I have seen some improvement, little moments where I feel alive and like "me", memories flood in, positive ones, complete with the wonderful emotions they have, and in those moments I find I have positive emotions in my dreams too.

[Adiip]

That's how it happens, slowly, emotions flashing back and seeing where they fit, then going away so your brain can make room for their final return. I have experienced anhedonia in my previous withdrawal, it took a couple of years to subside and not in a straight line, but slowly and surely came back. If you are experiencing them sometimes, your brain has the ability to have them and that is so fantastic and the best possible news, your brain I constantly in a state of healing, even when it feels it isn't, there are many different states of healing as it is a very complicated machine. The other end of this ordeal is a new and improved you, who is better through experience

[Adiip]

Also, I found and am finding, the worse the wave of anhedonia or numbness, the bigger 'lump' of healing I got at the end of it, some of those waves were a couple of weeks, some were months, you will be ok, you know that on the inside, you seem very insightful, which in my opinion is the absolutely most important thing in this whole experience.

[LucaDiProspero]

Adiip I'm happy for your recovery, but I have been on an emotional anesthesia from more than five months with NO windows yet. I ask for a day, I ask for an hour of feeling something, but hey nothing changed. One window, only one window to regain some hope. Probably I'm one of the few few people that have ben damaged forever...

[Adiip]

It will happen, when your brain is ready. When I was having no windows, I made sure I just got on with things. Get out, walk in nature, smell flowers, watch movies, love, have intense conversations and pretend! Fake it til you make it! Your brain is protecting you, don't give it reason too! Remind yourself of how things feel, try hard! My first burst of emotion came after an intense conversation, I made myself cry, and then a flood came for a tiny while. But that was the start, and the start is all you need. Tell yourself I will happen, I still walk around the streets repeating "it will happen, I will heal" you can and will do this, you will NOT be numb forever.

[Adiip]

And p.s anaesthesia is not damage, it's your brain shutting down for a break, find the positives in that, trust your body, it will kea you in the right direction.

[Purplestars22]

Hey Adip, did you ever get cognitive problems such as brain fog as wd symptoms? If so how did you deal with them?

[Adiip]

Goodness, absolutely! And headaches, burning sensations, pins and needles, bla bla bla. I just get on with it to be honest, I work, I walk a few kilometers every day (despite the hideous fatigue) I just keep going. I think diet is very important for brain fog, but that's different for everyone so I won't go to much into what I eat and don't eat but healthy is important.

 

BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME

 

Go in the direction of the life you want and your body will follow.

[Purplestars22]

Thanks for answering, what an inspiration I hope I and everyone here will follow in your footsteps of recovery.

[Altostrata]

Hello, @Adiip How are you doing?