Roads: Introduction

[Roads]

About my feet, I can't walk nor stand. I made a nasty fall on them, five weeks ago. Thourough examinations didn't show anything. The MD inferred it was contusions. But I haven't been able to walk for one week now. I am bound to crawl. It looks like arthrosis. I will

 

My sorethroat is lingering, despite a consciencious intake ot the antibiotics....

 

I think that I haven't all those problems by chance. The worsening wd, the feet, the sorethroat, the new tinnitus... There is a meaning. They are signals. I have to do something. I don't see what to do , apart from leaving the house, and I will deseperately try to do so, even if it is extremely tricky (my brother is only 18; just like me, and so on).

[Altostrata]

They are signals that you got sick and you're suffering from cold-turkey off an antidepressants, Roads.

 

Perhaps you sprained some muscles in your feet? This can be very painful, feeling like your feet are broken.

 

Keep going, it will get better.

 

It sounds like your brother is willing to help you. Is he a little younger than you? How does he deal with your mother?

[Roads]

We are (false) twins, so we are exactly the same age. I am very happy and grateful for him having been part of my life. There were very happy moments. Yes he is willing to help me, and I am very grateful for what he does and is willing to do. The moving is underway.

 

My mother wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so vulnerable and hypersensitive. As my brother isn't, she doesn't have an impact on him. What's more, he moves a lot, has a very active and "wandering" social life. In fact, the main victim of my mother is herself. If I was not so vulnerable and stuck at home... This is last year that their relationship were awkward, but that is an other story. She may sound as a monster, but this is not the case at all. This is mainly about wd induced hypervulnerability.

 

You are right about my feet. I tremendously overplayed it. But I am still a bit disabled...

 

Thanks a lot for the support (and sorry for having been a bit fussy)

[Altostrata]

No problem at all, Roads. We're here for you.

[Roads]

I am sorry to post again, but please, forgive me, I am in extreme hard pain. It has worsened again. I feel like I am going to explode at any second, my body feels like as if it wants to flee itself, for there is a kind of unbearable feeling devouring me. It is just like I am in utter intolerance. Every single stimulis plays this feeling up. It is unbearable. The "pain" -it is not pain, it is worse, believe me, a kind of extreme inner tension- is driving me crazy.

 

I have reached the four months mark, and my wd kept worsening. And know this is absolute pure hell. Is this worsening normal, or rather, not anormal? Did someone experienced the same atrocious inexorable worsening?

[Claudius]

Sure I did, my w/d worsened at about 3 months to become really unbearable. And indeed, it is not even "pain" what we feel, it is spmething completely new and way worse! That makes it also so incredibly difficult to explain, pain can at least be suppressed with pain killers but the hellish feeling of WD cannot. For me it took a very long time to get even a first window, about 2 years, and now even at 4 years I still have pretty bad waves but at least the healing is there. So yes, it is atrocious, but it will finally get better. I hope you have some kind of support frame.

[Roads]

Back. Worse than ever, unfortunately, because of many errors I made, the biggest one being having been put back on various meds. For my defense I can argue that the process of being talked into meds was very long and subtle, indeed. I would even say pernicious. Anyway now I have learned from my mistakes, at the price of a tremendous lapse of time, I have read Anatomy of an epidemic, and I am again alone against the world, which is a most convenient stance when you are ridiculously sick, isn't it?

I am so weary of my symptoms, I don't want to dwell on it. More or less a routine, except for a pretty severe insomnia that kicked in recently (cessation of meds is recent), and a global worsening related to this cessation. Maybe some really violent ideation involving my poor innocent psychiatrist too, but that must be some psychotic onset don't you think? damn, I need my neuro-protective pill! (kidding).

Actually, I am very afraid of blowing a fuse because of that insomnia, which is very severe. And I am really, really bad... Don't know how I will survive this. This is so absurd. And so out of range for those who haven't experience withdrawal...

 

Here is my plan: I tough it out and rely on a good diet (which is extremely problematic, I have been completely suicidal in this field, part of my big errors), exercise (mild), and meditation (if I can). What could help me rebalance my brain? Have there been "breakthrough" in managing PW for the last 18 months?

[tezza]

Hi Roads,

 

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. What seems to help me is to do something I must really focus on. I don't do video games but if you could do something of that nature, it might help.

 

I hope you feel better soon. We are here for you.

[Karma]

Hi Roads,

 

Welcome back to the forum. When I first joined the community I read through nearly every thread and yours really stuck with me. I've often wondered how you were doing and hoped that you have found some relief. Unfortunately there have not been any major breakthroughs in dealing with protracted withdrawal.

 

Are you in a safe living environment? I seem to recall that you were going to live with your brother due to difficulties with your mother. I hope that has all settled down.

 

When you get a chance can you update your recent med history - it might give us some clues to help. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/. What was the last medication you were on, how long ago did you go off of it and did you taper or go cold turkey?

 

Your plan to rely on nutrition, mild exercise and meditation is sound. At some point we just have to allow our central nervous system some time to heal. You might also try to add some Omega-3 fish oil http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/ and try some magnesium http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/.

 

Karma

[Roads]

Good news, my mother is no more harmful. Sadly, I faced hard CT withdrawal at the exact time she broke out from the 24 years hell my father inflicted her (he is a narcissitic pevert), the last one being just unbelievable (I experienced my first CT during this year of extreme madness, the second when my mother broke out, hell I am a lucky guy). At that time, my mother couldn't handle anything and was on the verge of insanity. Needless to say my state was more thn "anything". Plus, one of the stratagem of the narcisstic pervert is to plague one's victim by victimizing oneself. My father litteraly spent 24 years plaguing her saying he was bad, he felt terrible, waking in the morning, phoning her eveyday from work etc etc It traumatized her to such an extent that a suffering person was unbearable to her. She didn't stand me, and some crisis terribly traumatized me, in full-blown WD. I got worse and developped a severe PTSD, that I already had in a way since the previous two years consisted of repeted traumas from my father, my mother, and even some of other members of my family, when I was in tolerance wd. I was not very sane anymore and made terrible mistakes, which led to an other CT this year. This is now almost two years that I am in a WD state, three since tolerance, and things are worsening, which is perfectly normal since I CT recently (in fact I didn't but I was).

Now trying to survive for all the things I want to experience and the happy life I deserve. I am twenty, my life stopped at the age of thirteen, and I won't leave this goddamnn planet without having lived a marvelous life. Unable to go to college for three years, three years of unceivable hell for regular people. Well you all know that, the years lost, the undescribable nightmare etc ... Still lucky that my life is ahead of me, provided I survive.

 

I haven't that much symptoms. But the few I have are very strong. The main symptom is a total overdrive of my system. It is like mental akathisia. My mind is unable to sit. Just like a tempest under my skull. I didn't read so many people describing that. This is an extreme inner agitation. I need to be reassured that it is "normal" and wd-related. This is very scary and I fear I have it left for the rest of my life.

 

But the worst symtom is a new one, and this is hunger. As ladicrous as it may sound, hunger is a nightmare in WD. When I am hungry, I become unebearably agitated, I shake, convulse, etc It prevents me from sleeping. The bad thing is that I am hungry all the time, quenching my hunger is impossible. As I don't want to put on weight any more (I am 20 pounds overweight, still not big but don't want to become fat), I resist, but I fear the stress it puts on my body prevents my healing (when it becomes unbearable, I unwillingly eat). What do you think? Anyone relates? I can't find that many related topics on the web, and it is just pure misery.

 

I am sorry I do not participate in a constructive way to the site. But I am now in a teeth-clenched surviving position. I hope I will get better soon to be more useful.

[Altostrata]

Roads, it's so good to hear from you.

 

That mental agitation is akathisia. It's "normal" in the sense that it's a common symptom of severe withdrawal syndrome.

 

What's your living situation now? Is it better with your mother?

[Roads]

Thanks Alto

 

Yes, it is better. As I explained, she was destroyed by my father, and is only recovering now. I live with her, in the former "familial" house. I am stuck there anyway. Materially, I am lucky to have all I need. I think my environnement has become safe. Not perfect, but safe.

She did so much harm to me, when I was so weak and suffering that I hated her in the sheerest way possible. Now it has abated. I don't hate her anymore. I am sad that what she experienced turned our relation this way. She is not a perfect woman, but she is sturdy and good-willed. When you are lost, blinded by suffering and unable to bear the slightest stress, you can do terrible things to a vulnerable person. This is what happened. But this is over now.

[areyouthere]

Thanks Alto

 

Yes, it is better. As I explained, she was destroyed by my father, and is only recovering now. I live with her, in the former "familial" house. I am stuck there anyway. Materially, I am lucky to have all I need. I think my environnement has become safe. Not perfect, but safe.

She did so much harm to me, when I was so weak and suffering that I hated her in the sheerest way possible. Now it has abated. I don't hate her anymore. I am sad that what she experienced turned our relation this way. She is not a perfect woman, but she is sturdy and good-willed. When you are lost, blinded by suffering and unable to bear the slightest stress, you can do terrible things to a vulnerable person. This is what happened. But this is over now.

 

I am so glad to hear that your living situation is better. Thanks for checking in! You sound calm, resolved and strong. It is normal to question all aspects of life, emotions etc ...especially during withdrawal. You have been through the wringer. We are here to listen, help & support!!!

 

Here's to moving forward !!!!

 

RU

[Roads]

I am suddenly beleaguered by fear: I was drugged from the age of 13 to my 20th year, when my brain was still in development. What do you know about former drugged children who experienced PW? Do they heal completely? I am not able to peruse the web for this kind of information, so if you know, please answer, and answer frankly. I want reality. Please.

[Roads]

Forget it, it was a bout of weakness. Knowing it would be useless, plus I already know I will completely recover, since the contrary would be absurd, which Life is not. 

[Silmarwen]

Hi Roads,

 

I just read your entire thread and I think you're a true inspiration of courage and perserverance (sp?). I too believe that your brain and CNS will recover completely, so stay strong.

 

Warm regards,

Silmarwen

[Roads]

Thanks Silmarwen.I can't swallow any more, no more solid things. I have already been unable to eat for five weeks, was able to eat again (but small meals, and a lot of bread), but now, probably because of stress, the dysphagia has returned. I begin to be really scared. I have made a lot of progress (sensitivity, emotion, mind-clearing), but not on the physical side, which keeps on worsening since the beginning. Besides, almost everything is a stressor, staying in bed to recover is almost impossible because of the akathisia and the extreme noise sensitivity. I can't help staying in front of the computer and listening to music to get through the day, which stresses my system. Even walking or standing up stresses me. Almost everything. But to agitated to stand still.I feel a bit doomed and very scary at the moment. 

[basildev]

I'm so sorry you're struggling Roads.

 

My problems pale in comparison to yours.

 

I hope you feel better very soon.

 

{{{hugs}}}

[Adagiooo]

Hi Roads,

 

I haven't posted on your thread before but I just wanted to send you wishes of healing and recovery. This ride can be very scary...and it's ok to be scared. I'm scared too.

 

The agitation will ease with time and I hope that somehow you find a way to believe you will make to the other side. Take good care of yourself and know that you are not doomed. This will pass.

 

Adagiooo

[Roads]

Thanks :)I feel like I am going to die, be dismantled, anihilated, whatever. It is not in my head, if things go on the way they go, it will probably happen. I don't know what I've done. I feel cursed, doomed, and damned. God seems to have forgotten me, or even worse. It is not dying in fact, it's more of dismnatlement. I am ******* afraid. The worst is that I have something to lose, somebody in fact. This is the worst. I can lose myself, but not her. This wold be a crime, a blasphemy. I have had an experience that resembled an omen two years ago, I am not sure, but it striked me:I took two walks. There was an agonizing black cat, but I didn't understood he was dying during the first walk. During those two walks, I met the same persons/animals at the same spots. I recall two, but there were maybe three. It is not a lot, but it striked me. At the end of the second walk, the black cat was dead. I buried him in my garden. This experience made a very strong impression on me, but I didn't view it as an omen, i am not the kind of person to see strange things everywhere. It is only recently that I thought about it again, and gave it this interpretation, because I am experiencing the same unsettling feeling of déjà-vu, of two times. I am currently in my second agonizing cold-turkey WD (multiple CT this time, almost suicide, I know, but this isn't me who stopped, but my psy, and I was too feeble to intervene, I let things happened, I was an incredible mess), and it strangely feels like the first time, far worse though, obviously.I feel like the agonizing black cat. This is pure speculation, of course. Maybe I am making up something. Maybe. But it was a very strange and striking experience.What's the purpose? I am twenty, and spent a vast amount of my life enduring and surviving. I have no family, nowhere to go. During the last three years, and especially the last two, I endured incredible pain, so intense that I felt raped. Something like the absolute, but in pain. It was not constant of course, most of the time it was continuous and tolerable.I was in a very toxic environment, without support, and the continuous harm of my mother. I fled in hospital (actually, I aslo tried to flee my hell and had resumed citalopram by despair/weakness, was considered responsible and psychotic, put on various meds again, endured agonizing side effects, i mean agonizing, I was litteraly tortured and forced to do things that harmed me so much I was mad with pain, my body urgeing me to destroy itself, etc... I stabilized and was a total wreck. Forced to go to college. Crawled there. Unable to do anything. I was nobody anymore, the meds took anything human from me. They had already done that in the past, but this time, it was absolute anihilation.  I ended up binging on food to feel something else than pain, and spending days in the subway listening to music that didn't afect me so as to aenesthetize myself. The wolrd was strange.. Never understood, nor loved. My father was a narcissistic pervert. I had a very traumatic life. My mother considered my like an object and never stood the real me, especially the suffering me. The harm she made me, with the megasensitvity i got from WD, was extreme. Screamed and convulsed, burning veins. Always negated. Always alone. Nowhere to go.My psy stopped my meds at once. (my third and a half CT, in fact, but my story is too long). Didn't have the strength to stop it. Ended up in extreme state. Almost couldn't read, move, finally couldn't eat for five weeks. So sensitive to stimuli that I could only survived in a very specific place with clogged ears. I just can't stand the slighteste noise, it can send me in utter panic/akathisia. Could eat again, by small meals, lot of bread, this past three weeks. Human enough to realize who was my loved one. She had always been theren since the beginning, more than three years ago. It has always been very special, and began by a friendship, even it it already was something else. I know I am only 20, but I had enough experiences and failures to being sure that it's her, believe me. Don't want to lose her. Didn't already have the opportunity to join her. Anyways.I know I am not perfect, I have big shortcomings, big shadows, a big ego, etc But still, I am basically a good person, I have always wanted to do the best. I can be a constructive component of life. So why? Why do I feel disowned by It? Why can't I have my chance? No matter the suffering, provided there is an end, and light. I fear I am doing something wrong. I have begged for help. Believe me, I really feel like I am about to die, anihilated in the darkness under the indifference of god/life/cosmos whatever.Why?

[Adagiooo]

Roads,

 

I'm sure you're a good person and I'm so very sorry for all of the pain you have been forced to endure in the past and all the pain you are now experiencing. I believe you when you say it is not all in your head and I wish I could give you a big hug and mountains of peace and comfort. You said there is someone special in your life...hold on for yourself and for her. You are not alone.

 

If your appetite is coming back maybe that's a sign the your body is starting to heal and you'll experience more relief soon. I'm not an expert on this sort of stuff but is it possible for you to eat little bits of fresh vegetables or complex carbs? It might help.

 

Sending you windows of relief, healing, peace and comfort.

 

Adagiooo

[Roads]

Thank you for your kindness Adagiooooo.

 

I am back with a more sensible mind and a batch of important questions. Would someone answer it please, it is very important for me.- Is it all about neurotransmetters rewiring and rebalancing? Or is there something else? - Can the progress be lost (aside from reinstatement and major stress?)- Everything is a stress on my system. To avoid stress, I should lie down all day long completely isolated from stimuli. It is impossible, notwithstanding the akathisia and urge to absorb myself so as to tolerate pain. Can I heal in those conditions, or am I doomed to sensitize my CNS endlessly? Is healing possible in those circumstances?- Is it possible to have an evolution of constant worsening and then, significant breakthorugh? - My mind has sharpen a lot. At six monthes, I keep on perceiving things more in details, but my physical symptoms have worsened. What to trust? Healing? Or a two boards configuration with a worsening one?Sorry for the lapidary formulation. Can't write too long.

[Roads]

Please, I need answers so much. It is a matter of despair or hope. I need hope, desperately

[Altostrata]

Roads, recovery comes in waves and windows. It's a good sign you sometimes feel a bit better.

 

Yes, the nervous system repairs itself, in bits and pieces. This is why symptoms change.

 

If you find certain stimuli to be troublesome, do what you can to avoid them. For example, many people become light-sensitive. To avoid that stimulation, they should stay in dim rooms and use sunglasses if you go out. If you are sensitive to loud noises, stay in quiet environments.

 

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Hang in there, listen to your body to take care of it, time is a healer.

[Rhiannon]

Roads, all I can tell you is that I have seen people in the kind of hell that you're in, and I've seen them go through it and I've seen them get better.  Usually not nearly as quickly as they would like, but they do get better.

 

Your youth is a huge advantage.  Even though you took the meds while your brain was still developing--because at 20 it's still developing, still incredibly plastic, still not too late to correct itself and create a normal state.  Your brain is amazingly able, believe me.

 

And I know about the crazies, the thoughts, the desperation, the agony--it's really indescribable, although you've done a pretty good job of expressing it!  I know it's impossible, while you're in it, to imagine getting through it.  Don't think about that.  Just take it one day at a time. You WILL get through it.

 

Your thought processes seem to be following the typical "waves and windows" pattern, so I'm guessing you're going through withdrawal in a fairly typical (if extremely intense) way.  I would say that if you can eat and drink, and as long as you're not in danger of harming yourself or doing anything irreversibly harmful to your life, if you can hang in there with it and ride it out, you're going to be fine. But it's going to take a while.

 

Whenever you can, to the extent that you can, I would recommend very gentle slow walking, in the evening or at night if you need to avoid sunlight (it can be quieter then too, at least in my neighborhood, generally less stimulating). There is something about walking that seems to help the nervous system balance and regulate itself.  Take it slow, like a little old lady. If you find yourself feeling at all overstimulated by it, stop.

 

As far as "significant worsening followed by breakthrough" I would say that a course of significant worsening for many months after a multidrug CT would be very normal, quite typical, to be expected.  In my experience the recovery comes less often as a "breakthrough" and more as gradual improvement, with ups and downs.  Some days you feel better, then it hits again and you think you've made no progress at all, but over time gradually the better days become more better and more frequent and the worse days become less worse and less frequent.

 

I would recommend printing this (and any other replies you have found helpful) out, and putting it up on the wall, maybe in the bathroom so you'll see it when you pee, or in the kitchen or any other place you are likely to encounter it. Our brains are very bad at retaining information--especially hopeful information--when we're in the depths of withdrawal.

 

And unfortunately, as to your questions about what exactly is going on: nobody knows. Nobody is doing THAT science. There's no money in it. Everything we tell you on this board is anecdotal, from our observations of people (and some of us have observed a LOT of people!)  So we can tell you behavior, we can say what it looks like typically, and we can say what we speculate might be going on neurologically, chemically, hormonally, behind it.

 

But I don't think anyone can say with any expertise what is really happening on the cellular/subcellular level. To the best of my knowledge that science is just not being done. Science is mostly paid for by companies who stand to profit by it, these days, and studying the bad effects of Big Pharma's billion-dollar profitable drugs is probably not something that's going to be funded any time soon.

[Silmarwen]

Roads, how are you doing now?

[Roads]

Thank you so much for your attention and answers. I know I take but please believe that I have never been anble to give. for all this two years. I had made a CT, ened up in severe WD, survived in a toxic environnement that harmed me, made mistake (suicidal diet), ended up in hospital and redrugging because of my mother, became anihilated and tortured by a CT, adverse effects, and finally CT from 4 meds 6 monthes ago. I actually was CT. Besides, there is still an other CT before all of this.In fact, for these 6 monthes, i kept on being weaker, more agitated, more sensitive, and more excitable, and I just fear that it keeps on getting more and more weak, exciteable, and sensitive and agitated with no brake. It is getting extreme. It is like my brain is getting more and more off control, and this is why I am panicking. Is this evolution can be considered normal?  As I've said, everything is a stress, every movement, every stimuli, no joke, and I fear this leads me in an endless worsening. On the other hand, my mind is sharper, clearer, and nimbler day after day. but my state is getting extreme.PS: Alto, could you turn the title of my topic in just Roads? I don't want this scary title anymore, it's unealthy.

[alexjuice]

Roads,

What do you eat? My diet is critical to my symptomology. Diet is the most important thing by far outside of environmental factors in my day day level of wellness. I'd strongly advise you to chronicle everything you put in your mouth for seven days and report it in your thread.

[Roads]

Sorry for not having answered Alex, but I was fed up feeding up the registry of my woes, and hushed as a 'rebellion' against it -yeah, I am a rather whimsical person- I eat whole food with a good amount of healthy fat -butter , coconut/olive oil , eggs etc- which I seem to tolerate well. I adamantly shun everything that has something chemical in it -at least labeled, because I am well aware that pristine products are scarce in these days of industrialized production-. 

Unrelenting symptoms since 14 months, which does not fret me since it befits my all-or-nothing nature-, and especially because I have been witnessing a constant sharpening of my brain. Things steadily gain details, substance as well as effect on me. This is extremely impressive since, for example as far as my vision is concerned it is just like over the months its resolution litteraly shifted to very high definition , no joke, compared to the flat and blurry fog that was my perception more than a year ago. There are tons of things that I see now that I couldn't see. 

Although I doubt it is not a common thing, I have never seen mention of that phenomenon in the WD community, and I am eager to know if people here experience such an impressive 'upscaling' in their perception, and if it was commensurate to their stage of healing.

[Altostrata]

That sounds like gradual improvement, Roads.

 

What's your living situation now?

[Roads]

I live by my mother, biding my time.

[Altostrata]

Has it calmed down at home?

[Roads]

Sometimes it is not so smooth, but i am used to it and since i am stuck in there, i go by with it. Nothing hellish.  

[Altostrata]

That's good news, Roads. Is your brother nearby?

[Roads]

He is almost at the other end of the country. Not like he would be useful though, and he does not have to. I have learnt to be alone. But I have to commend your memory and your attention for remembering this detail. 

[Altostrata]

Hang in there, Roads.