undertheradar99: Back and forth

[undertheradar99]

Hi everyone,

 

I came across this site and felt like it might be a good place to find support in my battle with depression and antidepressant 'addiction'. 

 

I have had a long, complicated and troublesome history with antidepressants ever since I first started using them about 17 years ago, at the age of 16. I'm 33 now, and I today I am celebrating 9 months medication free! This is probably my 10th attempt at trying to come off medication and I am pretty certain this is the longest I have ever been off since I first started on them. I tried repeatedly over many years but would always last a few months, maybe six, and then realise I couldn't take the suffering any longer and end up going back on them. Then once I was back on them, I would realise I still didn't feel like they were helping me and so would begin tapering off them again. This process has been going on for about 16-17 years, until now.

 

I have been seeing a counsellor for the past 18 months who has been invaluable in supporting my decision to come off antidepressants, but am still finding life very difficult at times. Even though it has been 9 months, when times get tough, I contemplate whether I should return to medication again. But I am determined to continue on hoping that things will eventually get better, which I think they, but only very slowly. 

 

I can relate to a lot of the withdrawals mentioned I have read on this site. I am familiar with headaches, night sweats, panic/anxiety attacks, chronic and generalised anxiety, hot flushes and many more. 

 

I really hope that this attempt and trying to live a life without antidepressants is the right thing to do, even though it feels extremely painful pretty much every day, and always feel like giving up.

 

Any support would be much appreciated. I hope I can contribute to this forum.

 

Edited March 1, 2017 by scallywag
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[RachelE]

All I can think of to say is, Welcome to this site! I hope you can find another source of support here.

 

Here is a link to one post you should read.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1024-why-taper-by-10-of-my-dosage/

 

And another.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6036-why-taper-paper-demonstrates-importance-of-gradual-change-in-plasma-concentration/

[KarenB]

Hello Undertheradar,

 

You and I have taken some similar drugs - fluoxetine, venlafaxine, escitalopram.  I'm currently tapering off venlafaxine nice and slowly. 

 

With such a 'rich' (ha!) history of drug use, and so many on and offs, your Central Nervous System will have become quite fragile.  This is why you are still experiencing so many systems.  You might find it reassuring to read about neuro-plasticity and brain restoration.  It gave me a lot of hope when I first came here. 

 

Nine months is a while in terms of a possible reinstatement, but still worth considering.  We have a thread that discusses it here:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7562-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/  If you decided to reinstate, it would be of a very small amount, say 1mg, and once you were stable again you could taper off according to our 10% monthly guide.

 

The troublesome thing with SSRIs is that you can't just flush their effects out of your system.  They change the way your brain works, and that takes much longer to heal.  Suddenly stopping the drug puts your brain and Central Nervous System into shock.  It's like yanking a trellis out of a garden instead of gently untangling the plants and slowly removing the wood – it’s too much trauma for the plants/your brain.  (For the source of that simile, plus further discussion, see http://survivinganti...el-your-brain/)

 

Have you noticed any improvements over the last 9 months? 

 

Many people find Fish oil and Magnesium useful during withdrawal.   

Non-Drug Techniques to cope with emotional symptoms.

 

For some people w/d does take longer to end.  There are other members here who are also waiting a long time.  Are there supportive people in your life, or things that you are doing to get yourself through this difficult time? 

 

Have a read of those and then you can come back to this thread to discuss things further.  This can be your journal to record your tapering and healing progress, and to ask questions. 

 

Welcome to SA,

Karen

[undertheradar99]

Hi Karen, 

 

Nice to hear from a fellow kiwi

 

Thanks for the articles, I will try to give them a read when I have time. I have seen a TED talk about neuroplasticity, which has given me hope that the brain can adapt and heal at any age and after difficult circumstances. I tell myself that even 9 months is still a relatively short time for someone who has been on and off a drug for the better part of 20 years.

 

Things are gradually improving, but it feels like it is taking forever. The last 9 months have been very difficult and I am amazed that I am still off them. I wouldn't have been able to get this far without the support of my counsellor, and GP, however it still feels like the depression/side-effects is not lifting quick enough. A lot of what has come up through GP visits and counselling is relationship issues - family relationship difficulties, lack of social support system - but I still wonder whether part of the reason I am still struggling after 9 months is the fact that my brain/CNS is still healing and recalibrating, but I have no way of finding out whether that is the case, it is really just hypothetical. So as you can see, it's difficult for me to distinguish what is working and what is not working, and whether reinstating a small dose would be a good idea. I really don't want to go back onto any dose of medication because it will feel like I'm just going back for another round.

 

I took an 8-week course in mindfulness last year, which was helpful in terms of calming my thoughts and feelings, but I find it hard to practice it regularly. Feels like just another treatment to throw in the mix.

 

I'm really hoping that as time goes on, I will continue to gradually get better and after 12 months, 18 months, I will be feeling good, but I guess that depends on a lot of things, not just related to the cessation of antidepressants. 

[Madeleine]

How did you taper off this last time? Did you do it any differently than the other times?

[undertheradar99]

I tapered off from 300mg of venlafaxine over approximately 7 months, in a linear fashion, so roughly 25mg every 2 or 3 weeks. I was on that 300mg dosage for approximately 4 months before I started tapering, after having gotten to that level over the previous 5 months. I should really put this in my signature.

[Altostrata]

Hello, undertheradar.

 

As KarenB suggested, fish oil and magnesium can be helpful.

 

How's your sleep? Are you light-sensitive?

[undertheradar99]

sleep has improved gradually over the months but i still have the occasional bad night where i cant sleep. racing thoughts etc

 

light sensitivity - yes now i think about it

 

will give fish oil and magnesium a try