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Waterfall

Waterfall: Introduction

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Rabe
2 minutes ago, Waterfall said:

I was actually getting ready for bed (finally!)

when I was like, how could I forget!

The lower left rib pain has definitely been worse than ever.  

I usually call it chest pain, but my husband and mother keep pointing out, 

that the area I am referring to is NOT my chest.  

Okay then.  It's not my chest. 

It still hurts.  

A lot. 

 

So that's gotten worse. 

As has the episodes of brain fog/stuffed fluff head.  

The sweating is new(er).  I've had it before, but not recently.  

The dry mouth/lips is definitely new. 

I've had dry eyes before, but it's especially bad. 

Headache has ramped up the last few days. 

I don't usually get it so constant for so long.  

Lower leg pains have also been worse.  

Constipation still an issue.  Bowels rumbling.  Gas.  Gas pain.  

Tingles.  Muscle spasms.  Twitches.  All still there.  

Unsteady.  Dizzy.  If anything the dizziness is worse too. 

Oh, and also 'episodes' of falling asleep.  

Can't keep my eyes open in the middle of the day.  

Dozed off at least twice today.  

OH, and there go the heart palpitations again.  Hate those.  

Gotta try add in some magnesium again... 

 

On the other hand:

The cortisol spikes have improved a bit the last few days. 

I've had less episodes of high anxiety for a few days, 

and the episodes I have had, have mostly been less intense. 

The couple intense ones I had, I weathered okay.  Shorter than before. 

Nausea has also been a bit better.  

Haven't noticed as much of the burning in my back/spine/shoulders. 

Have been able to hold still a little bit more than I could for a bit.  

Not as intense a need to move/rock as I did last week.  

Little bit less intense waves of despair.  

 

Oh, to see more rays of sunshine.  

Here's hoping I feel better in the morning!  

Been to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, taken my pill... 

Time to go and lay down!!

Try to fall asleep... 

 

And see what tomorrow brings.

 

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Rabe

Im sorry Waterfall...I was a thinking you were probably having a challenging day when didn't hear anything from you...miss you..what you said was so right...I miss me too.  Was thinking about that tonight...I SO want to be something of the person I was.

Somedays it is hard to think about months or years of this.  

I do hope you sleep and that tomorrow is better for you!

I'm ok..hard to eat, walk, do much...but I do it anyway.  Just very sore muscles and joints and so tight.  Been stretching a lot today.  Managed to get to the grocery store. Yeah!  Take care!!! ♥️

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Rosetta

I'm glad some things have improved.  Thinking of you, Waterfall.

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Waterfall
10 hours ago, Rabe said:

Take care!!! ♥️

 

31 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thinking of you, Waterfall.

 

Thanks again.  Both of you.  

 

Woke up this morning from a strange dream with my heart pounding. 

I'm not quite sure if I'd call it a nightmare, but it was still intense. 

I guess it was close, I woke up trying to get away from something, 

or solve a problem.  Hence the heart pounding.  

My lower back also hurt really badly this morning.  

Now that I'm up, I've eaten, taken my pill, etc. I find I still have a bit of

a headache. Lots of gas pain and stomach cramps. Vision is really bad

today. Having trouble reading at all. 

I talked on the phone to my sister for an hour, and when I put the phone

down, my arm hurt so bad.  

 

Sore, shaky, headachy, stomach cramps, tired... I feel like I've had the 

flu for an unusually long time.  : P  

My kids all seem to have a bit of a cough and a bit of an upset stomach, 

so maybe that's making everything worse for me too. 

I can only hope.  

Strange, eh?  To hope that I 'only' have the flu.  

Oh, wouldn't that be nice?  To have something, and then get over it. 

And move on.  

This is like being stuck in limbo.  Time stops.  

And everyone else moves on.  

 

I was reading 'Are we there yet? How long is withdrawal going to take?' by brassmonkey yesterday. 

And I was thinking about if it takes me 5 years to get through this... 

My oldest son will almost be graduating.  He'll be nearly grown up. 

That's much of his teenage years.  

My little girl will be entering high school.  

My littlest will be reading chapter books.  

Why now?  

Why do I have to be such a mess?  

Why did I have to be broken enough in the first place to end up in this mess?  

So frustrating.  

I want to be a mom, 

not a bump on a log,

watching my kids childhood go by.  😢

 

Sigh.  

Okay.  

Pity party over.  

Maybe if I get up, my back will feel better. 

And maybe if I eat and drink some more, my vision will clear a bit.  

Time to try get something done..

 

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Rosetta

It's not going to be like this for 5 years.  It's going to change, get better, and you will develop many more coping skills.  Your kids childhoods won't go by like this.  WD isn't static.  It changes.  You aren't stable yet.  Once you get stable you will start living life and you won't really miss anything.  You will be there even if you don't feel 100%.  It's a trick of the mind that you think WD will always be like it is now. -R

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Waterfall
4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

It's not going to be like this for 5 years.  It's going to change, get better, and you will develop many more coping skills.  Your kids childhoods won't go by like this.  WD isn't static.  It changes.  You aren't stable yet.  Once you get stable you will start living life and you won't really miss anything.  You will be there even if you don't feel 100%.  It's a trick of the mind that you think WD will always be like it is now. -R

 

Thank you for the reminder, Rosetta. 

It's hard to remember at times like this.  

 

I haven't been to your thread in a bit. 

I hope that you are doing well.  

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Rabe

Hi Waterfall... I got teary reading your post.  I think its ok and normal to have these feelings on and off.  Hope so anyway cause I feel as you do sometimes in relation to not only my children but my grandchildren!  It is hard to think about it as you said.  We don't know what the journey will bring exactly but all we can do is just that...all we can do... that moment, that hour, that day...you are so special and so caring, creative, honest and thoughtful!  Give yourself a hug!! From me and from you and your family and allll your friends there and here.  We love you!!!♥️

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Carmie

Hi Waterfall, 

 

It’s nice to see that you post what symptoms are better for the day as well as which ones aren’t so great. You are still looking on the bright side. 

 

How is that rocking chair of yours going? It’s quite famous on this site. Must be very soothing. 

 

Yes, we would all like to see more rays of sunshine. So many people on here going through cloudy days but every now and then the sun shines through. 

 

Hope your day brings a little little sunshine among the clouds☀️☀️☀️

 

 

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Waterfall
8 hours ago, Carmie said:

It’s nice to see that you post what symptoms are better for the day as well as which ones aren’t so great. You are still looking on the bright side. 

 

Thanks Carmie.  I try.  Some days it's hard.  We just keep trying.  

 

8 hours ago, Carmie said:

How is that rocking chair of yours going? It’s quite famous on this site. Must be very soothing. 

 

My chair is rockin!  And rocking, and rocking, and rocking... 

One of these days, I'll share a picture!  

I don't know what I would do without my chair.  My wonderful chair.  😊

 

Huh.  It won't let me quote the part about the sunshine.  

Well, so far today hasn't had much in the way of sunshine.  

But hopefully tomorrow will be better.  

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Waterfall

Sharing what I wrote on my benzo thread:

 

Sunday, June 10

Felt better in the morning. 

Still fell asleep, unwillingly, twice during the day. 

One in the morning, and once in the afternoon.  

Don't remember much else about the day. 

 

Monday, June 11

I can remember being really proud of myself for making it outside, 

and up the stairs to the front, where my parents were gardening with my kids. 

I even pulled a few weeds. 

But in the evening.  Despite having a decent supper (at the table! which is always hard)

I still felt the need to eat a sausage at around 8:00, and again around 10:30, 

otherwise it felt like I had low blood sugar.  Totally began panicking at 10:00.  

Didn't manage to fall asleep until nearly midnight.  

 

I'm surprised today, how little I can remember already about the past.  

Maybe it's just because of how I feel today, but I can't really remember if I 

considered them good days, or bad days, or anything much more than what I wrote. 

 

So.  Today.  

 

6:50

Woke up with a bad wave of panic - 7

7:35

Got up

Bad lower left rib pain - 7

Mouth very dry

7:50

Age a sausage

8:40

Went to the bathroom

Diarrhea?  Lots of little pieces, anyway. (Sorry if that's TMI)

9:00

Cried

Shaky

Jittery/having a hard time sitting down/still - 5

Butt muscles trembling

9:17-9:43

Ate egg and toast

Butt muscle spasm

A few strong heart palpitations.

10:05-11:40

Sat in my chair with my eye closed most of the time. Dozed a bit off and on

Bad rib pain. Worst part moved to breast bone. Then to left shoulder blade - 8

Sometimes felt cold.  

Lower legs hurt. - 3

Left arm sore and heavy. - 2 

Fingertips hurt. -2

 

Then my computer crashed.  

Had to come back and recreate that from memory. 

I'm still afraid that things just keep getting worse.  

Wondering if I can order topical magnesium. 

And if that will help with the heart palpitations. 

My husband ordered fish oil.  

But they come in 900mg capsules!  

I'm not sure I should start with such a high dose. 

And they can't really be broken into something smaller. 

 

Left eyelid has been twitching all day.  

 

Okay, hadn't posted yet.  Now I'm going to add something I'm really embarrassed to write. 

 

11:40?  Roughly. 

I started feeling like I had to... go pee.  

Well.  I didn't.  I just didn't want to leave my chiar.  Lazy?  I don't know.  

Well.  I waited until 12 something.  I thought 12:10.  So that would be about half an hour. 

By that point I was shaking and could barely think.  

Finally went to the bathroom.  

Shaking badly. 

Also went to the kitchen and grabbed some fruit/veggie/fiber juice and a sausage. 

Now it is 1:00 and I feel a bit better. 

Chest hurts badly.  Still shaking some, but it's a bit better.  

Feeling really stupid, cause I think I brought that on myself.  

 

So discouraged again today. 

Trying to keep my hopes up.  

Even going to the bathroom is stupid hard.  

Eating is hard. 

But if I don't do them, I feel worse obviously.  

 

Sorry. I was trying not to ramble.  😟

 

 

Going to add this:
I feel really embarrassed about this still, 

but has anyone had the shakes because they took too long to go... pee?  

Feeling -really- stupid about this.  

Actually... did it last night too.  🙄

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Carmie
1 hour ago, Waterfall said:

 

Thanks Carmie.  I try.  Some days it's hard.  We just keep trying.  

 

 

My chair is rockin!  And rocking, and rocking, and rocking... 

One of these days, I'll share a picture!  

I don't know what I would do without my chair.  My wonderful chair.  😊

 

Huh.  It won't let me quote the part about the sunshine.  

Well, so far today hasn't had much in the way of sunshine.  

But hopefully tomorrow will be better.  

 

Hi Waterfall, 

 

Yes you must share a photo of your famous rocking chair😀. One of these days I may get one myself. 

 

Sorry there was no sunshine in your day today but there are are many more days ahead. Some will have sunshine in them and others will have dark clouds, but thinking of the sunny days will help us to get through the dark days. It’s not easy but we don’t have a choice, all we can do is to take each minute as it comes.

 

Here’s to lots more sunny days, even if it’s just for part of the day☀️☀️☀️☀️

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Waterfall
1 hour ago, Carmie said:

Sorry there was no sunshine in your day today but there are are many more days ahead. Some will have sunshine in them and others will have dark clouds, but thinking of the sunny days will help us to get through the dark days. It’s not easy but we don’t have a choice, all we can do is to take each minute as it comes.

 

Here’s to lots more sunny days, even if it’s just for part of the day☀️☀️☀️☀️

 

Thanks, Carmie.  

I hope you see many sunny days too.  

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Rabe

Yes Waterfall...I have.  There were times when I was very shaky and my heart pounded after being up to bathroom at night especially...think was electrolytes...not sure...but yes I have had that.

Been thinking about you SO much and holding you in my heart and prayers!  Happy you got out for awhile...and pulled some weeds...something metaphorical about that!!!  ♥️

 

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Waterfall
14 minutes ago, Rabe said:

Yes Waterfall...I have.  There were times when I was very shaky and my heart pounded after being up to bathroom at night especially...think was electrolytes...not sure...but yes I have had that.

 

Did it go away again?

 

14 minutes ago, Rabe said:

Been thinking about you SO much and holding you in my heart and prayers!

 

Thank you. ❤️

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Waterfall

Sigh. 

My husband and kids are all off to the school tonight for a special event.

I'm still at home.

 

Though I have the youngest here on my lap, asleep.

He's still cute and cuddly.

 

But I was trying to read, and I'm having more and more trouble.

Headache building in the back of my head/neck, probably from trying so hard.

So frustrating.

 

Sometimes... life's a bummer. 

 

Now.  How can I pass the time more pleasantly?

Shall I sit and close my eyes?  Possibly doze off?

Try play a game instead?

Maybe see if reading a book is better than my computer?  

Nice that I still have choices...

 

Can't let the anxiety rise.

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Rabe

Yes it did go away.  Comes back occasionally rarely compared to when I first started tapering the CLonazepam at home so unwittingly.  I do notice that when I am tapering and/or much more stressed I have to pee more amount wise and more often as well. 

How old is your little one, Waterfall?  SO nice to cuddle!!!

Yes...sometimes life is icky icky!!! 💩

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Rosetta

On my thread Brassmonkey shared a recipe for making magnesium oil from Epsom salts.  He said:

 

Magnesium Lotion or MgOil as it's sometimes called is really easy to make.

 

Bring one cup of water to a boil, stir in 3/4 of a cup of epsom salts and let it cool. Couldn't be easier.  Any MgOil will leave a residue on the skin after it dries which should be gently rubbed off with a soft cloth.

 

Waterfall, I'm sending good vibes your way.  I hope you rest well tonight. -R

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Waterfall
13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

On my thread Brassmonkey shared a recipe for making magnesium oil from Epsom salts.

 

Thanks, Rosetta.  I'll have to try that. 

Since I'm having so much trouble ingesting it. 

And I don't have access to a bath, 

this seems like the best thing to try right now.  

 

13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Waterfall, I'm sending good vibes your way.  I hope you rest well tonight. -R

 

Maybe those vibes worked.  😉

 

Remember I was trying to decide what to do?  

Well, I tried playing a dinky computer game for a few minutes, 

gave up and tried to read a kids chapter book. 

Gave up after less than two pages.  

So I sat with my eyes closed, and ended up

dozing off until the troops came home. 

Well, when I woke up, I felt just awful. 

My headache was a bit better, but I felt like

my arms and legs were all moving, 

and they weren't. 

And even though it was past 8:00, and the lights were 

off around me, it felt too bright to open my eyes.  

Slowly, things improved, so I did get a chance to 

say goodnight to all the kids and ask a bit about 

their events.  

But I continued to feel pretty rough.  I needed to eat

before bed, but I had to choke it down, with frequent

breaks.  Burped lots.  Was so sore.  Foggy brained. 

Discouraged. 

Finally got up and crawled in bed, and suddenly my

body was SO jittery.  Was hard to fall asleep.  

 

BUT, in spite of all that, I still slept all night.  

Once I felt asleep around 11:30 or so, I slept until 

6:30.  When I woke up, I had some anxiety.  Lay

there and thought about cancer for a bit... but I 

got through it, without it getting really high.  

And even though I felt crazy sore waking up in 

bed this morning, when I got up, and walked around

for a bit in my house, I actually felt like my legs 

were more stable than they've been in a while.  

So.  Not great, true... but somehow a little 

heartening in spite of it.  I said to my husband

this morning, I feel worse in some ways, but 

better in others somehow.  I hope that I can 

continue to stay out of the pit of despair, and 

perhaps keep feeling a bit better.  

 

Okay, so that doesn't sound super positive, 

but it's better than I had even dared hope to feel, 

after how I felt last night, and first thing this

morning.  

 

My stomach is now grumbling that I haven't finished 

my egg with toast.  Better go do that.  

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Waterfall
14 hours ago, Rabe said:

How old is your little one, Waterfall?  SO nice to cuddle!!!

 

My little dude is 3.  He'll be 4 this coming fall. 

And yes, it is SO nice to be able to cuddle them. 

That phase doesn't last forever.  

Can't cuddle my almost teenager so well anymore.  

 

You  know, my chair is pretty sweet, 

but I even have an extra bonus, in that my 

kids can cuddle in it with me. 

I've thought before, when someone 

mentioned a weighted blanket. 

I know why I've never needed one... 

and I also know why I love to sit with my kids

for so long sometimes.  They are my custom

made, self heating, weighted lap blankets!

They even provide some conversation, 

distraction, the occasional hugs and kisses. 

Pretty sweet accessory if you ask me.  ;) 

 

Until you are feeling really lousy, and you 

have to get up and feed them... 

Or they want to keep elbowing you in the ribs... 

Or they want you to quit typing and play 

Blaze and the Monster Machines instead!  

Or they need a stinky diaper changed. 

 

But hey.  I love them to pieces.  

Love the bonuses too.   

 

Anyways, little dude thinks it's time for 

some Blaze.  I figure I can do that.  

Especially in exchange for some 

weighted blanket, snuggly time.  😊

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Rabe

AWWWWWW....that is SO sweet!!!!♥️♥️

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Waterfall

Felt more stable on my feet this morning. 

Thought maybe that meant I was doing better. 

Made three kids beds.  

Sat in my chair and ate my toast and egg. 

Took a nap for a while. 

Sat with my little dude snuggled on my lap for a while. 😊

 

But then I wrote some email updates.  

The exciting thing that precipitated that, 

was that our old house finally went on the market!  Yay!

But during the email writing, I started to have to go pee. 

And then I started to feel rough.  And rougher. 

 

Now, in spite of going to the bathroom, 

and also eating a sausage, and having a drink. 

I'm really struggling. 

The struggle to focus my eyes is possibly the worst. 

I can barely read, but I keep fighting to.  

It's hard to walk around again. 

I'm sore.  

Headachy.  (Which apparently isn't even a word)

And I'm fighting down panic right now. 

So frustrating.  

 

So, hmm... what can I do with myself until this passes again?

The hardest part for me these days, is just to believe that this 

isn't just going to keep getting worse, because that's how it feels. 

I have to hold onto the belief that this will get better.  If I just wait. 

Oh, please let it be true.  

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Rabe

Today has been a rough day here as well, Waterfall...but I do believe things will get better...just not sure when.  Hope you sleep well!

Hugs!!

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Waterfall

Yay!  I went, er... to the bathroom again!  #2!  

I took a bit of magnesium with my pill this morning, to see if that would help. 

Since I took it at 9:00, and went before quarter after, 

I don't think I can credit the magnesium this time... 

And in the meantime, I'm not sure, but the magnesium could be making me feel lousy. 

Lousier?  It's hard to tell, when one feels so lousy to begin with.  

It could be the magnesium, or it could just be normal fluctuations in how I feel.  

 

The other thing, is apparently I am weepy this morning.  

On the verge of tears, without actually crying (so far).  

 

I think I sound like a broken record, but it's so hard not to be discouraged. 

I'm dizzy.  I'm weak.  My eye keeps twitching.  It's hard to read, or think.  

I'm tired.  Bored.  Frustrated.  I spend half my day concentrating on simple

things like toileting and eating.  The other half, trying not to lose my mind. 

Pain.  Misery.  I believe that it will get better.  But it sure is taking it's time. 

Can't I just have a glimpse here and there?  Sigh.  

 

Sorry.  I sound so whiny today.  

I think that I could handle it if it felt like progress was slow. 

But it feels like things just keep getting worse.  

 

I'm sure it's not as bad as it feels.  

If I think really hard, I'm pretty sure I've had a few small windows here and there. 

Where for a short time, I felt a bit more positive, a little less miserable. 

Such moments are so easy to forget when misery comes crashing back. 

I think when I have them that, oh, this feeling will surely carry me through the worst again, 

but instead as soon as it's gone, I nearly forget it again.  

 

Oh, I hope so much to see some improvement soon.  

 

In the meantime, let's see if I can find some silver linings... 

Like the fact that I can sleep.  

That's a HUGE thing.  I am very glad that I can sleep. 

Even if I have a hard time getting to bed, or even falling asleep, 

I almost never get less than 5 hours of sleep, and I almost 

always get 6 hours or more.  Even 7 sometimes.  And the 

last few days, I've been frustrated that I keep falling asleep, 

but really, a nap is a good thing too.  If healing is actually 

happening all the time, then maybe the sleep is helping.  

 

Alright.  I'll come back later and see if I can find more silver linings. 

Maybe that will help keep my spirits up.  

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Rosetta

Finding those silver linings is so important!!  There are miserable phases like this.  One can see the progress only after a couple of months.  I'm so sorry.  I'm struggling a lot myself, but I'm holding on.  It's all we can do.  The fact that you are sleeping is going to make a lot of difference long term!

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Waterfall

I guess that this is what is meant by not being stable... 

My symptoms are constantly changing.  

Right now the rib pain is much lower, almost gone.  

But my shoulder blade hurts.  

And the back of my head and neck are just burning. 

I thought I was actually done with the burning thing.

In some ways this is better than the rib pain and the

headache I've had for a few days, but... 

I dunno, the changing is both comforting, and not. 

 

Little bonus?  I managed to go to the bathroom 

-before- it got really bad this time. 

The stupid thing we get excited about sometimes. 

Some days I feel like such a... some intelligent 

insult that I can't come up with right now.  

I was going to say 'dolt' but I'm not even sure I 

know what that actually means right now.  

Calling myself something I don't know the meaning

of, doesn't seem like an intelligent thing to do.  

Right now I'm so afraid of making stupid mistakes

because I can't think very well.  Sigh.  

Yesterday, for instance, i was terrified of sending

the wrong messages to the wrong people, or saying

the wrong things by mistake.  

 

Not a bonus... my rib pain just flared again. 

That is ONE symptom, that I -really- wish would leave. 

 

Other bonus?  Mmmm... my husband made me bacon!

Just about everything is better with bacon. 

Oh!  And another one.  At the moment I'm reading a book!

Yeah... simple minds, simple pleasures sometimes.  

A kids chapter book.  But, today (so far), I can read it!

 

Wish my nose and lips would stop tingling and feeling funny, though. 

But you can't win them all. 

I'm just really glad when I feel just a little less discouraged. 

Or sick.  Or just a little less awful in any way, shape, or form.

My hand is cramping.  So.  Done typing for now. 

 

Hope you are having a better day today!

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Waterfall

I should know by now that this whole experience is just plain weird.  

But right now I have the weirdest feeling in the back of my head. 

It's like my head is... thick?  It's sort of like a headache. And sort of

like the burning I had earlier. And sort of like... neither.  Like... I have 

a pillow in the back of my head?  Always something new!

But despite the fact that I felt like I was going to fall asleep a few 

minutes ago, I managed to stand up!  Aaaand... I dressed my son!

Finally.  Just after lunch (which my husband made again), and my 

little dude is finally dressed!  Good thing the skinny dude can dress

himself.  Not that he always wants to, mind you. 

 

For those of you who are curious, and haven't noticed, a little 

while ago, I decided to codify my kiddos on here.  

First there's the little dude.  That's obvious, cause he's the littlest. 

As I pointed out the other day, he's 3.  

Then there's the skinny dude.  Cause he's still kinda little, but I can't

call him the little dude, cause I already have one of those.  And I can't

call him the big dude, cause he's coming later.  So, skinny dude he is. 

Cause well... he IS the skinniest.  He just had his birthday in May, 

and I'm still trying to figure out how to give him a birthday party.  : (

And he'll be having his end of kindergarten celebration next week, 

which I have begged my mother to attend for his sake.  

After that, there's my little lady.  I'm not totally sure, but I think she's

not that far in age from Rosetta's little gal.  This one was easy again, 

because, well, she's my only girl.  

The last one is easy too.  He's the big dude.  Since there is such a 

gap between him and my other kids, we used to talk about him, and

'the littles', which is why is so easy to still call them all little... and him 

big!  He's looking forward to being a teenager... the end of next summer.  

He's got a little while to wait yet, but he's been talking about it since

last year, I think.  They always want to grow up so fast, if only they 

didn't have to take on the responsibility that goes with it!  : P 

 

Wow... another weird feeling.  Of a different kind this time. 

It's so weird that in some ways, I can be getting better.  

Like just now.  I was writing about my kids, and I actually felt... almost cheerful!

Such a weird feeling to me right now.  

But at the same time, to be worse in other ways.  

Like, a few days ago, I managed to sit on the floor with 

my kids and play a game of memory.  The following 

evening, I could barely sit in my chair through the meeting

with the realtor.  And the night after that, I couldn't even 

read or play a game on my computer.  

But hey, I guess today I could read again.  

Although, maybe tomorrow, I'll eat my sandwich before

my hand is cramping from typing, because it was very 

painful to hold it just to eat earlier.  

So many frustrating things, but hey, I'm glad I'm seeing a few

hopeful things too.  I guess this is just what being unstable 

looks like.  Ups and downs and all arounds!  Nothing makes 

sense, and you never know what will pop out of the hat next!

 

I think that's what makes me most convinced that I know what

is going on here.  Well, it's a bunch of things, really.  The fact

that so many symptoms are so much like what others have

experienced.  But also what I just said, the roller coaster of 

feelings and emotions just isn't like anything else I've ever 

heard of.  I know what of the first things that had me so sure

right from the beginning was I read somewhere that said, 'this

just isn't like my anxiety' or 'my depression'.  It isn't.  Well, it's

sort of like it... kinda like a house cat is like a tiger or lion.  

Except that this is more like a... saber tooth tiger!  This crazy

monster -should- be extinct!  And hopefully someday soon, 

this experience we call 'antidepressant withdrawal' will be a 

thing of the past.  Something in history to be marvelled at, but

not something faced by any man, or woman, still living.  Not 

because I want us all dead, you understand, but because I 

wish for us all to, you know... be past this. For good.  And no

one else to start unwittingly down this horrible path again.  

 

So yeah.  Things like the constant songs pounding through my

head.  (Though thankfully, now that I think about it, it hasn't been

as bad as it sometimes is, or has been!  Another bonus!)  The

waves of terror, despair, flatness, etc.  The sudden disturbances

of vision, of hearing, pain, balance, and other bodily functions. 

There's just... nothing... else... like it.  

Nothing else explains what I'm going through.  

 

And unfortunately, nobody, not on this forum, who happens to

understand what in the world I'm talking about.  

I wish I was one of those who had a doctor who understood. 

Which reminds me, I really look forward to a day when I can 

actually go out again.  

 

I keep going through, in my head, all the things I've lost the ability 

to do.  I hope I'll get to build a list again, of things I've regained the

ability to do.  Like reading a book!  I hope I get to keep that one now... 

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Waterfall

Also, came across something that really struck me today. 

Now, the funny part, is that it was written for something 

completely, and I mean, completely different.  But it so 

resonated with me, that I thought I'd share it.  

 

And I quote:


The panic is temporary. The fear is temporary. The crisis is temporary.

The days when you wake up thinking "how did I make such a huge mistake"

are so few in retrospect.

...

See, you don't realize how temporary the "crisis" is when it's consuming your

every waking moment, but as soon as you get beyond that... Such beauty

can be born from that which we never planned.

Fear is temporary, but the courage you gain facing it lasts forever. Panic

subsides, but the strength you find in the midst of the crisis endures. Perhaps

the most amazing thing though is how the love you feel for this new life,

whether it was intended or not, suddenly turns a "mistake" into a miracle.

 

 

 

So.  Now that you've read it, I'll tell you the intended context, was about a

mom talking about her unintended pregnancy.  It's obvious, of course, in 

the parts that I left out. When she talks about the 'crisis' time, being the 

9 months that she was expecting.  And, of course, when she talks about

the child she now has.  But the parts I selected, shouted out to me like

they were written just for me to see. Funny how things do that sometimes. 

Well, I hope that you take some encouragement from them too.  

 

And I hope, the next time I feel really low.  Like I'm going to die.  Or that I 

wish I would.  Or that I just can't do this anymore.  Or I can't stand up again. 

Or that I can't... anything.  I hope I'll be able to remember this, and the other

encouraging things I've learned.  

 

That I'll have Hope and Strength.  Hope that it will get better, and strength

to hold on until it does.  

 

I hope I'm not being bad by borrowing these thoughts from other people. 

But it's so important when things seem so impossible, to find be able to 

find hope, wherever it may be found.  I'm not trying to steal them, or earn

anything through them... just trying to survive.  😜

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Rabe

Hi Waterfall...it seems as if as the day went on your spirits went up...a bit anyway?  I hope so!!!  I love your quote about the 'crisis'...absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing!!!  

And thank you for sharing the silver linings...it is always nice to hear that they are indeed there!!!  Thinking about you Waterfall! ♥️

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Rabe

This if for you and all, Waterfall...

 

In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade

and he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down

or cut him til he cried out in his anger and his shame, "I am leaving...I am leaving"...

but the fighter still remains.... 

               and

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love....in the spring....becomes the rose.
 
Wish we all could have spring this spring/summer...and that we all would become our unique 
shade of a lovely colored rose!  Blessings Waterfall...
 

 

 

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Waterfall

Thanks for stopping by again, @Rosetta and @Rabe

Just having people to 'talk' to, makes soldiering on easier. 

 

I want to say... that today I feel a bit better. 

I'm just scared to jinx it.  

I said the other that at least I get a minimum 6 hours of sleep.

And then I almost didn't last night. 

I was SO sore, that I was having trouble settling.

Didn't fall asleep until nearing 1 in the morning. 

Funny thing?  My fitbit says I got 6 hours and 2 minutes. 

Well, I guess I did still get my 6 hours, at least, but it was close!

 

So.  This morning, I think I felt a bit better. 

Don't know why I'm SO sore right now.  

But I was able to collect and start my laundry.  

Unload the dishwasher. 

Switch the loads of laundry. 

And clear and wipe the table!

When I write it down, it feels smaller, 

but still!  It feels pretty huge to me today. 

 

And of course, after doing those things, 

I have started to feel shaky, 

and the pain that had faded some this morning, 

is raging again. 

My ribs, my upper back, my shoulders, my neck, 

the back of my head.  Don't know why feeling 

better in other ways, has to come with all this 

pain.  But hey... change means my brain is 

working on it, right?  

I just wish it didn't hurt so much!

 

I was thinking something else... 

But my brain glitched, and I lost it. 

 

I'm enjoying the rain of cotton fluffs past my window, though. 

And I've got the door open for some fresh air right now. 

(The fluffs may be a pain when they make a mess, but they

sure are pretty when they rain from the sky...)

 

I would love to get some vacuuming done yet today, 

but we'll see.  That might be asking a little much. 

I almost forgot in my list earlier, that I actually emptied a box!

It's only one box.  But it's a box!  One less box left to do!

 

Ooh!  And the house already has 4 showings lined up!

So exciting!

 

I wonder what the rest of this day will hold?  

Planning to watch a movie with my kids tonight.  

(It's a kids movie, so hopefully I won't get to anxious

or jittery... good thing I've been doing a bit better with that)

 

Feels SO good to be having a better day so far.  

Better may not look like much, but oh, it's so precious to me!

I hope you are all having a better day too!!

 

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Rabe

Gosh that is SO great to hear Waterfall!  Enjoy!!!!♥️

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Rosetta

Waterfall, I'm glad your day went well.  We have to appreciate that don't we?  I hope you get the sleep you need tonight, too, and yes, I think your brain is healing!!

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Carmie

Hi Waterfall, 

 

I liked the quote you wrote down the other day, thanks for sharing. 

 

So glad you’re having a good day, we need to really enjoy our good days so we have happy memories to look back on. 

 

Enjoy the movie with your kids tonight. I’m looking forward to seeing the next Jurassic World. Loved the last one but it made me laugh that one of the ladies kept her high heels on all through the movie while being chased by dinosaurs 😀. Take those shoes off woman!!!

 

Hope you have lots more good days💚

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Waterfall

Well.  The day didn't stay good. 

I felt so productive in the morning, 

but I stayed in my chair most of the rest of the day. 

Napped for a while again in the afternoon. 

Managed to sit with the family for supper, 

but an attempt to do a bit of vacuuming, 

made me feel really sick. 

 

I did watch the movie with my kids, and it went okay. 

I did get waves of tingling at some point, over my whole body. 

So, the climax, though really, pretty tame, was still hard.  

A kids movie.  I can barely watch a kids movie.  Sigh.  

 

Managed to get to bed by 11. 

Woke at 7, but laid in bed, dozing on and off until almost 9:30. 

That's unusual.  I can't usually stay in bed that long. 

 

Didn't feel too rough this morning. 

Just sat in my chair.  Had a sausage, a few pieces of cucumber, 

and some tostitos for breakfast and snack.  

For lunch, my husband gave me plain pancakes. 

 

I'm not sure if it was low blood sugar, or now maybe high sugar?

But either way, for the last while my vision has had more trouble. 

I've been feeling rougher.  And a recent attempt to get up and 

walk around has left me really shaky.  Now I'm having trouble 

sitting still, because I'm all jittery.  Jittery, shaky, blurry.  Blech.  

 

And meanwhile, my relatives are going to go pick strawberries. 

I'm jealous.  I love picking berries.  

And my kids spend most of their time watching tv, or playing computer. 

Exactly how they shouldn't be growing up.  

And my husband and I had a fight about towels and laundry baskets.  

We did resolve it and make up.  

 

Sigh.  I just want to function again.  

Instead of feeling so sick and useless all the time.  

And now, am I going to eat more of these pancakes to feel better? 

Or stop eating them, to feel better?  

Who knows.  

I hate trying to guess all the time.  

 

Okay.  Enough pity party.  It's time to try think of something positive. 

Hey, I did get a lot.. okay, something at least, done yesterday. 

My laundry is all clean, if not folded yet, or put away.  

And I did get some of the vacuuming done. 

My vision is bothering me now, but sometimes it is better.  

My husband is feeling better, after feeling off for a while. 

Today is sunny.  

The wind in the trees looks cool.  

I do have a lovely family.  

Even if I can't do the things with them that I'd like to. 

 

Okay, so my vision is funny. 

And my head feels weird. 

My scalp is itchy. 

My ribs hurt.  

And I'm shaky and jittery. 

But I'm going to try to read another kid's chapter book, 

and see how I feel again in a little while.  

Maybe then I can fold my laundry... 

 

Deep breath.  

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Rosetta

Just keep going, Waterfall.  You can conquer this.  I'm impressed by all you do while being ill.  Your kids are with you and that's what is most important in all the world!

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Rabe

So happy you had a movie with your kids, and that the laundry and some vacuuming is done..and that you ate something!  👍:) 

Feeling useless...but you're not Waterfalll...you are fighting and conquering every single day!  You are truly a gift! 💜  I LOVE purple!! :)

 

 

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