Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @Sheera and @Rabe

 

Ive been doing a little better since yesterday afternoon for some reason.  I've been taking more magnesium, but spreading it out twice a day.  Maybe that has something to do with how I feel, but Idk.  I went for a walk yesterday.  

 

I had only one or two cortisol spikes in the night.  One in the middle of the night was medium-bad, but I recovered from it, and while I was awake for a bit afterward I didn't feel doom and gloom too much.  This is a change.  One was very early this morning and was mild.  

 

I was able to get out for a walk today.  I picked up my daughter from school and took her to the art store to get things for the art class on Friday.  

 

Reading has been giving me a headache on the right side and in my eye today.

[Gridley]

I count that on whole as an improvement.  My heart is with you, Rosetta.

[wantrelief]

I am so glad you are feeling a bit better, Rosetta.  Big hugs - WR.

[neroli]

On 10/29/2018 at 10:38 AM, Rosetta said:

but I felt a sort of a blunted jealousy that people were enjoying themselves and their drinks.  I spent most of the time feeling uncomfortable and out of place.

Hi Rosetta

 

I'm so sorry you have been having a desperate time and glad to read that you have had a better day, it is sooo exhausting at times, isn't it?  I know just how you feel about being jealous of the people being able to enjoy themselves and feeling out of place - these symptoms do give us a big dose of limitations on our lives and emotions.  I'm right with you on that one.  The uncertainty is so tiring - but here's to hoping that you are coming into a bit of a window.

 

Thinking of you

 

Neroli. 💜

 

 

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @neroli @wantrelief and Gridley.  How would I get through this without you all?  

 

I am coming out of the wave.  That was a very bad one.  I've had worse, of course -- a year ago was much worse, but I feel as if I've survived some kind of civil war or something like that.

 

Last night wasn't nearly as bad as a few nights ago.  My daughter didn't fall asleep until about 11:00!  We lay down before 8.  She's afraid of Halloween.  She learned in school that a fear of Halloween is called Samhainphobia after the Celtic name for the holiday to mark the end of Summer.  She's always been a bit spooked by Halloween, but to lie awake for 3 hours when I sleep with her every night?  She never alone.  That wasn't enough.  Ugh.  Every time I fell asleep she woke me up.  She wanted me to stay awake with her.  Then, I had my usual hour or longer of being awake around 3:00, too.  That happened after a mild-medium cortisol spike.  At least I didn't as much fear with the worry last night as I had been in the past week.  Instead, my mind was racing -- trying to figure out how to do the art class on Friday.  I couldn't make it stop.  I'm ovulating.  I think that's why.

 

I had a mild-medium cortisol spike this morning.  It didn't cause extreme nervousness -- simply nervousness instead.  I had to volunteer at the school.  That wasn't too hard today.  I had very little to do with the kids.  I didn't take a walk, but I sat in the sun for quite a while today.  I felt ok by about 8:30 am.  That was amazing.

 

Tomorrow is the Halloween parade at 8:00, and the party in the afternoon.  We are having story time and making crafts.  I'm going to be helping the kids make little ghosts out of air dry clay.  I hope I'll be ok in the morning.  I'm not looking forward to going to bed.  I used to love bedtime before WD.

[Rabe]

Im so grateful you are feeling better today Rosetta with some special moments...so prayed for that!!! 💜

[Rabe]

Speaking of brain fog....wrote this and never sent it yesterday I guess.  I seem to do that a lot here...sorry.  💜

[neroli]

Glad there's been a bit of relief for you today, Rosetta.

 

What would I do without all of you here, either?  I take breaks from time to time from the site (though not for long) when I think I need to change focus a bit from the withdrawals to something else to do with getting on with life as it is - but it's only people in this support group (and an FB group I belong to) who understand and are so supportive.

 

Thank you for the words of encouragement you send to me and to others here - it helps.

 

Warm wishes

 

Neroli 💜 (hungry and weeing as usual!)

[Rosetta]

Thank you, @neroli and @Rabe

 

I have neck, jaw and shoulder tension today.  It's the weekend, and I always have a hard time with that -- being here at home in this disaster.  But I'm not suffering a lot through every night the way I was for what seemed like weeks.  I'm more or less sleeping ok.  I wake up every night for a while after a cortisol spike.  Sometimes they are mild and sometimes they are not.  Sometimes I feel SI after a spike.  Overall, it's much better than last week.

 

I took several walks this week.  My mood is very up and down.  I'm having cortisol spikes in the night that cause me to feel very negative emotionally, but during the day my mood is much more stable.  I literally go from feeling life isn't worth living at 3:00 am to feeling that all will be ok from around noon to bedtime.

 

This past week was very busy.  Halloween party on Saturday,, volunteer at school on Tuesday, my daughter's (new) voice lesson Tuesday afternoon, Halloween parade Wednesday morning, party in the classroom that afternoon, then a little time alone while my husbamd takes my daughter to piano Wednesday afternoon, trick or treating that night, gymnastics Thursday afternoon, art class Friday morning, and a Read-a-thon party Friday night.  I went to almost all of it.  I felt more or less normal through all of it.  

 

Now, I'm home in the chaos at is my house, and I feel down, but if I look at the past week objectively I'm doing well.  I can't help but dread the hormonal changes that are coming soon.  The cycle has so much impact on my withdrawal symptoms.  It's as if my body is poisoning me.  I would like to organize and clean my house today.  I feel I have the mental ability.  I don't have the energy, and my jaw is very tense.  Maybe I need to do just a little bit.  I might distract from my jaw tension if I did.

 

My daughter's friend is here, and she's being grumpy.  She didn't want breakfast.  I need to feed her now.

[neroli]

That sounds like a mighty week, Rosetta.  Heartening to hear that you have been able to manage it all.  I certainly couldn't at the moment.  SI gets me, too, esp. when my legs seem to get worse.  I've also done a reduction on nortriptyline and I think it's having an effect in the anxiety and tremor/shakes, plus insomnia.  Doesn't help my optimism or mood.

 

I think you are right about tidying the house, just do a little bit and see how that goes.  Do the easy stuff - it can be hard wading into a load of things that you need to make decisions about (keep or go? sort for the local charity shop? just bin it?  try to sell it online?) - too much for an embattled mind.

 

I got myself a piano to try to distract (haven't played for years) now I look at it and wonder when I will practice - it seems if I just get up and sit for 5 mins playing around I am getting more used to it and feeling some improvement in my dexterity and sight-reading is encouraging.

 

Wishing you the best today - and a lift in mood.

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

@neroli The SI is horrible.  I wish you did not have that.  Piano should be helpful for you.  That sounds like a great idea.  I should go back to music myself.  Thank you for checking in with me, my friend. -R

 

[Rabe]

10 hours ago, Rosetta said:

This past week was very busy.  Halloween party on Saturday,, volunteer at school on Tuesday, my daughter's (new) voice lesson Tuesday afternoon, Halloween parade Wednesday morning, party in the classroom that afternoon, then a little time alone while my husbamd takes my daughter to piano Wednesday afternoon, trick or treating that night, gymnastics Thursday afternoon, art class Friday morning, and a Read-a-thon party Friday night.  I went to almost all of it.  I felt more or less normal through all of it.

Hi Rosetta....WOW!!!  I am SO happy to read you were able to capture so many special moments last week!  That is truly so so wonderful!  You are incredible!!

If you can do something in the house great, if not you did a whole bunch otherwise...be kind to yourself!  I am no where near the tidy organized person I used to be.

Is what is right now.  Cant remember where anything is! oh well...

SO good to hear you!  Hoping the muscle tension gets better! Love nd hugs!!💜

[Rabe]

@neroli Hi Neroli, Im sorry you are struggling.  The piano sounds good...I have one but find my interest in anything is just not there.  I have needlepoint out and thought about starting a tree skirt as a gift...instead I am trying to get out and about before the snow hits.  Thinking about you Neroli!  The SI is hard to deal wiht

isn't it?  When it passes I find it it hard to believe I was thinking all that!  Hugs!!!💜

[Rosetta]

Oh, @Rabe, while I do feel guilt and inferiority because my house is a mess I also feel that I would be more at peace, more calm amid feel more secure if it was organized (and if a lot of things were just plain gone).  So, it goes beyond simply giving myself a break.  However, I often wonder if having things in order would help less than I believe it might.  It would help my husbamd, and it would help when I'm too anxious to think if things were easy to find.  But you are right -- it is what it is for now.

[Rosetta]

I'm at "WD normal" as Brassmonkey calls it.  I can't read without getting neck and jaw tension.  My eyes are not able to focus well, and that is probably why my neck and jaw get tight.  So, I'm trying to stay away from the Internet.  Still having cortisol spikes through the night and before I wake, but I recover more quickly.  The days are better right now.  No aka or very little if it's there, less anxiety, but still not having a good appetite.  Trying to keep blood sugar high enough is difficult.  This isn't a window, but I'll take it.  I'm going to try to avoid reading for the rest of the day.

[Altostrata]

Hi, Rosetta. Magnesium is more effective when taken in small doses throughout the day. Individual tolerance varies, but you can probably take some hundreds of milligrams per day. If you get gut upset, you're taking too much.

 

So many of us get pain and tension on our mousing side, or from tilting our heads when we use the computer and phone. Stretching exercises for necks, shoulders, and arms can help.

 

I hope you continue to see gradual improvement. I know those waves are awfully frustrating.

[Rosetta]

Thanks, Alto.  Yes, I am tolerating the magnesium better this way.  I take some in the morning and some at night.  I'll try to add in a noon dose.  Sipping all day isn't an option as I hate the taste.  I know I will not do that even if I try; I have to gulp it down quickly.  I'm doing fine with the smaller amount at one gulp twice per day.  In fact, it's better than before as far as my "processing" of food being more regular.  That has been a relief.  

 

We will see what will happen when the hormones change soon.  Today is Day 29.  It should hit any time now.  Yippie!

 

I quit using a mouse, and I can't see a desktop without a new pair of glasses.  I need trifocals!!  So, instead of getting computer glasses, I use the iPad.  That means I'm "typing" with one finger.  Maybe that's the problem.  Perhaps trifocals or a pair of computer glasses would be worth the hassel.

 

Thanks for stopping by and for all you do here, Alto.

[neroli]

On 11/4/2018 at 3:27 PM, Rosetta said:

Piano should be helpful for you.  That sounds like a great idea.  I should go back to music myself

Hello Rosetta

 

Good to hear from you.  I just had a thought when I read your comment above - I find I can't listen to music at the moment, it has no calming effect for me and I'm really not that interested, I prefer to have low volume talking on in the background, especially at night. And when I can't sleep in the early hours, I play Jack Kornfiled talks and find I can doze a bit to them.

 

But, when I do play/practice the piano, I'm quite into the music, don't get an aversive reaction.  I find that curious.

 

Anyway, hoping you're doing ok - not overdoing it - but managing what you can do.

 

Warmth 

 

Neroli

[Rosetta]

That's interesting, @neroli.  I taught myself to play violin.  It was a great way to distract from my withdrawal symptoms.  That was about 1 1/2 years ago, maybe.  I enjoyed it and think about going back to it, but I don't.  

 

Journal:

Last night was full of dystonia, and I was very uncomfortable for the hour or two I was awake, constantly re-heating my shoulder wrap.  I could feel the muscles that help me focus my right eye spasming!  I felt those worthless, failure, sad, hopeless feelings.  It's hard to imagine that if hormones drive this misery that I may have years of this ahead of me.  Sometimes I worry that WD is the least of my problems.  I hope it's the combination and that I'll feel whole again before full menopause.  But I worry that's wishful thinking.  The way WD symptoms track my cycle and how awful I feel around ovulation is too much.  I think about taking birth control to make it stop, but I'm afraid that would cause other problems or make WD worse.  

 

I woke up at 5:30 due to the time change from Daylight Savings.  My daughter was up at 6:00 - a good thing.  Hope to keep that time for wake up and make mornings easier.

 

Today, I had a headache on the right side and my eye hurts. Riding in the car made it worse.  I went for a walk.  The headache eased in the afternoon.  Now, I just have a lot of tension in my neck and jaw.  No Mother Nature yet, but all the signs are there that she's coming.

 

At least my mental condition has been better in the daytime.  It's nighttime that is so difficult.

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta.  Sorry to hear the muscles are still so tight but hope the heat helps.  I get the headaches on the R and R eye and they can be like migraines...maybe are...have had funny vision sometimes.  Im so sorry you have them...not fun. And the depression and sadness is such a challenge to dismiss...at least I find it.  I believe it at the time...when It passes I wonder what I was thinking!!!  Im happy to hear that at least some of your day is better right now.  

You play the violin!  Fabulous!!  I can see that!  Not easy...let me know if you return to it.  Only thing might be your neck etc because of holding the violin...but maybe in some way it would help.  

Take care Rosetta.  Hoping you are able to get some decent sleep soon. 💜

[neroli]

Oh, Rosetta, I've just re-found a song that I do really like.  And what a challenge this one would be for the piano.  Second verse "We get these pills to swallow..." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s88r_q7oufE

 

[wantrelief]

Hi Rosetta - Thank you for your kind note on my thread.  I am thinking about you too.  That is really impressive you taught yourself violin!  It is good to read you've been feeling better emotionally during the day.  I hope you are doing ok today.  Big hugs - WR.

[Rosetta]

@Rabe @neroli @wantrelief  Thanks for stopping by.  I'm still struggling with reading causing jaw tension. Sorry that I can't read your threads except to skim.  I'll be by again soon.

 

Today is Wednesday.  Sleeping was easier Monday night and last night as the dystonia eased.  I'm still having cortisol spikes, hot flashes and cold spells at least twice per night, and I had a cortisol wake up in the morning on Tuesday.  The worry in the night is not as intense, however.

 

I took a walk Tuesday, voted, and went to the lesson with my daughter.

 

Tuesday night I was irritable, and I felt I needed to organize.  So, I picked up and organized toys, but I was so frustrated that my daughter doesn't keep her toys organized.  That completely unfair as I never ask her to do that.  I don't ask because I'm very anxious about the issue, and I prioritize staying calm when I'm with her.  I think she's coming to the point that she can organize her own things IF I pare down her toys enough.  So, my hope is that I can do that and start rewarding her for staying organized.  I know the next hormone phase will hit, and I won't be able to follow through, but I still hope there's time Before she gets too old to teach her to stay organized.  If I can only get well enough in time.  She has so much to do otherwise -- homework and lessons --that I think having fewer possessions is the key.  She loves her lessons.  It's much better for her to have those than come home and be here with her irritable mother who feels overwhelmed by this house  I'm able to be more cheerful or neutral when we are not at home.  It's sad.  My home used to be my sanctuary -- the place I could not wait to return to.  I hope I can make it that again for all of us.

 

I felt quite calm this morning.  Perhaps I skipped the cortisol wake up.  I think I did.  I've been tired today.  I went for my walk.  I wanted to stay home and organize, but I knew that it was a bad idea to miss my walk.

 

I need to make a container for Halloween stuff and cull that.  Then, I need to make a container for Christmas stuff and cull that. Also, a container of art supplies and party supplies.  I managed to make a container full of Tupperware during this phase of my cycle last month.  That was it.  I could do no more.  That was a bad, bad month.  I hope this one will be better.  I long for the day when my energy, anxiety, and cog fog are all aligned for more than a few hours a day for a few days a month.

 

 

[Sheera]

@Rosetta It’s good to hear that your cortisol spikes have started to decrease a little. It sounds like you may be coming out of this wave.  Im thinking about you. 

 

Sheera

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @Sheera.  I think I have waves and then I have irritation from hormones.  They are not always in sync, but if I have both at the same time it's a lot worse.

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta. Your daughter is doing well...I hope that you will be able to see your part in that.  She will find her way into organization.  Kids in general are pretty unorganized and have difficulty following through at that age...that will change. I think the moments you share are what is most important...she knows you are there for her because you are.  You are hard on yourself it seems...to me it is incredible what you manage to do inspite of everything that you are going through!!!  Boggles my mind really!!!  Hope you can give yourself credit where credit is waaaay due in heaps!!!!💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Rabe.  I know I'm doing a lot for her.  I feel I'm setting a bad example foursome crucial issues.  That's the rub.  But you are right.  I'm there, I'm engaged, I'm shoeing her I love her.  I suppose in some ways I'm setting a better example, too.  

 

I sent a toy, a game, and a number of books home with a friend today.  I need to do more of that, but it was something.  I do feel good about that.

[Rabe]

Wow!  Glad you can give yourself credit for that as well!  I bet that felt good!  Little by little...💜

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I just wanted to drop by n say I’m thinking of you. You have been struggling so much, you poor thing. I’m sorry your hormones cause you so many problems. I remember before I went in menopause I always had such severe PMS, not much fun. 

 

I read your introduction again n was wondering if any of the symptoms there are better. I’m sorry you still have the problem with jaw tension n struggle to read.

 

You may not be up to it as you’re struggling so much but you always sound so stressed about the state of your house. Could you maybe set a timer for ten minutes a day n just start throwing out things. Ten minutes passes really quickly n you will find that even such a small amount each day really does add up. 

 

Ive done that myself at times. Set a timer n either cleaned or decluttered for a small amount of time each day. It’s my Consistency Over Intensity rule. If you do a little of whatever you need to do it can n does add up over time. This can be used in anything we want to do n keep procrastinating about, even hobbies or projects we have put off. Just think ten minutes in a day does add up after a month. When you see that you are moving forward you might even be inspired to set the time to fifteen minutes.

 

The idea is not to get overwhelmed by it, but be happy that you accomplished something in that amount of time. It will give you a sense of achievement.

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

[DMV64]

Hi Rosetta!

Checking in on you. How are you today? I started out ok then took a dip myself. Now feeling a little better. Have to stop comparing myself to other people.

[Kristine]

Hey dearest Rosetta, just dropping by to let you know I’m thinking of you. ((((Hugs)))) and much love K 💖 xox

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just popping by again to give you more hugs🤗

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @Rabe @Sheera @neroli @wantrelief @Carmie @DMV64 @Kristine for your encouragement.  

 

Its a Monday off from school.  We spent the weekend at my mother in law's while she was out of town.  That was good for keeping me from having to face my messy house.  We came home last night.  Now I'm back in it and I feel awful. I keep telling myself it can't hurt me, that I'll get it all clear out eventually, and until then I need to accept.

 

My daughter has 4 days of school next week and then it's Thanksgiving Break.  Realizing this just now has sent me into a panic.  I'm trying to talk myself down.  It's 8:50, and I've had no breakfast.  So, I took a dose of magnesium, and I'm having a bowl of cereal.  I hope I'll feel better soon.

 

Last night, I had 5 cortisol spikes.  I think that is more than I've ever counted before.  Once my daughter woke me up.  So, that was 6 wake ups and maybe more.  My daughter woke up at 6:00.  After that I was able to doze off and on until about 6:45.  A pretty bad night, but the spikes weren't as intense as they have been before, and I didn't stay awake for long periods of time.  After each spike I had a hot flash and the became extremely cold.  I kept throwing the covers off and the bundling up again.  Then, it happened again over and over.

 

I've had no period yet.  This is day 37. 

 

I'm hoping the day gets better.  I feel trapped this morning.  I'm trying to imagine feeling free.

[wantrelief]

Sorry to hear you woke up so much last night. It sounds like a good sign that the cortisol spikes weren't as intense as they have been and you didn't stay awake for long.  It all sounds very uncomfortable though and you are so strong for getting through all of this, Rosetta.  I hope you are able to get out today as I know you usually feel better when you are out.  I am thinking about you and sending lots of hugs - WR.

[Rosetta]

Some gratefulness -- 

 

Dystonia and muscle aches have been slight and sometimes nonexistent.  

 

Taking magnesium twice a day.  Having no diarrhea or constipation.  

 

Sleep happens in between the spikes.  

 

Few long periods of worry in the night.  

 

Walking is going well.  My knees are a little shakey and uncomfortable when climbing up and down the cliff, but otherwise, I'm fine physically.  

 

Cog fog isn't too bad.  It's improved these past few months.  

 

Blackouts after standing up are NOT happening.

 

My husband thinks my windows are better -- that I'm more "normal" during them.

 

I've been able to be present for my daughter more these past few days.  I've been teaching her math in Spanish.

[neroli]

Hi Rosetta

 

Quick reply - going to work.  You've had a tough time of late.  I like your post about gratefulness - I do write down good things that happen but I think doing a gratefulness list would be beneficial for me, too.

 

Keep on at it over there, Rosetta, you''re a real trooper.

 

 

Neroli 💜