Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rosetta]

Hi @Hibari. Yes, it's tough to see other people who can do what they want to do.  Friends want me to go skiing or on camping trips, and I want to go, but it's unrealistic.  At this stage,  I really want to go instead of feeling as if I can't believe anyone would feel the effort was "worth it."  I feel resentful that I can't go.  I start to think about how I could work around my limitations.  Heck, I would simply like to able to enjoy a few hours at home with my child.  Sometimes, I do enjoy time at home with her, but I don't realize it until later.

 

This morning, I felt well enough to make the pies because my husband made the crust dough for me last night.  They look hideous.  I have lost my ability to handle pie dough and to remember the tricks especially for making the lattice.  Oh, well.  At least I made them.  They are sweet cherry with orange juice, orange zest and orange liquor.  One day, before WD, I tossed the liquor in to the filling to see what might happen.  The pie went from good to amazing.

 

I slept more or less ok last night with the usual time in the middle of the night awake and worrying and feeling life isn't worth it.  I think it's clearly some sort of late night phenomenon due to a lack of neurotransmitter balance, but it's nearly impossible for me to remember that in the night.  I hope that someday that awful feeling will go away.

 

 

[powerback]

2 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Hi @Hibari. Yes, it's tough to see other people who can do what they want to do.  Friends want me to go skiing or on camping trips, and I want to go, but it's unrealistic.  At this stage,  I really want to go instead of feeling as if I can't believe anyone would feel the effort was "worth it."  I feel resentful that I can't go.  I start to think about how I could work around my limitations.  Heck, I would simply like to able to enjoy a few hours at home with my child.  Sometimes, I do enjoy time at home with her, but I don't realize it until later.

 

This morning, I felt well enough to make the pies because my husband made the crust dough for me last night.  They look hideous.  I have lost my ability to handle pie dough and to remember the tricks especially for making the lattice.  Oh, well.  At least I made them.  They are sweet cherry with orange juice, orange zest and orange liquor.  One day, before WD, I tossed the liquor in to the filling to see what might happen.  The pie went from good to amazing.

 

I slept more or less ok last night with the usual time in the middle of the night awake and worrying and feeling life isn't worth it.  I think it's clearly some sort of late night phenomenon due to a lack of neurotransmitter balance, but it's nearly impossible for me to remember that in the night.  I hope that someday that awful feeling will go away.

 

 

IM ravenous lately with my cold  Rosseta  ,your pie sounds yummy lol.👍.

[Rabe]

Hope the pies are good and that you have a good Thanksgiving Rosetta.  I understand what you are saying...I would have liked to have seen my daughter today but my system is so revved from the policemen that I simply cannot today...cant get in car again right now.  So she is angry and on it goes.  Oh well...sitting here alone feels awful and I too feel resentful and wonder how living like this makes any sense...

Take care! Love and hugs to you! 💜

[Sheera]

@Rosetta I’ve been thinking about you and hoping your depression has lifted just a little. I am impressed that you can make pies—that is an impressive skill especially when you can’t think very well. I’m sure they were delicious even if they didn’t look it. 😊

 

hugs—

Sheera

[Rosetta]

Thanks @Sheera I wasn't able to make pies last year for Thanksgiving.  This year I wasn't able to make the dough, but by Thursday morning I could make the pies with dough my husband made.  

 

Yes, the depression lifted and I've been ok since Thursday (through Friday and today, Saturday).  It was hard to get packed to go to my MILs for the weekend on Friday morning, but I did it.  Visited with a friend and her kids yesterday and today, Saturday. Spent the day here with my daughter, made her two lunches, played mini golf after dark and went out to dinner.

 

I had at least 5-6 hot flashes and cold spells after each hot flash last night.  Very mild cortisol spike, if any, this morning.  Still no Mother Nature.  

 

@Rabe Thanks for stopping by.  I'm sorry your Thanksgiving was so rough.  I'm thinking of you.  This is a cruel disease.

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

Just popping by to let you know I’m thinking of you.

 

Mini golf sounds like fun, hope you had a lovely time. I wouldn’t mind going one day too when I’m well enough. It would have been pretty at night time. 

 

I love all the pretty lights at night. We have Eat Street Markets here that are operating on the weekend, they go into the night. It’s a whole heap of outdoor food stalls, live music n if you have small dogs you can bring them too. It’s so pretty there at night time. I haven’t been for a while, I must go again when I pick up. 

 

Take care, sending lots of hugs🤗🤗🤗

[Rosetta]

Thanks, Carmie.  It was nice.  I felt all right.  It was wonderful to have those days.

 

The last two days have not been good.  Sunday was difficult and today was worse.  I took my daughter to the zoo on Sunday.  We had to get and do something, but it was rough.  That night, last night, I was very agitated for several hours until I fell asleep.  

 

Today has been pretty tough, too.  I was anxious most of the first part of the day.  I don't have Akathisia, or if I do it's very mild.  This afternoon, I feel off physically instead of mentally.  I can't drink enough liquid or eat enough food or sleep well.  The hot flashes continue and are even happening in the day.  The cold spells, too.  

 

I did get a walk in today.  I was worried I would feel worse if I didn't.  I picked up my daughter from school.  I've had a mild headache all afternoon.  

 

I think ink this is WD "normal."  It's not fun, but it's not horrible.

[Carmie]

I’m so glad you had a nice time at mini golf Rosetta, 

 

It’s nice when we can occasionally actually enjoy something. I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. I’m in the same boat at the moment, waves are horrific but we just have to keep surfing them ,they do eventually end. It’s a shame we don’t know when. 

 

Are your hot hot flashes from withdrawals or hormonal? I’m well past menopause, I’m in my fifties. I get hot n cold at times, though I think it’s withdrawals.

 

Yes, withdrawal normal is not fun but much better than severe waves. So lovely you got to go for a walk today. I’ve been stuck in bed, though I did get up to have a shower. I love how you go to the zoo all the time, I wish I lived near a zoo. Australia Zoo is up the Coast, I’m hoping to go with friends again in December if I’m well enough. I looooove the meerkats n the otters, they’re so cute. 

 

What makes you not be able to drink much liquid? You may be dehydrated n this is maybe why you’re getting the headaches. I’m not a headachy person but I’ve been known to get them if I’m dehydrated. 

 

Again, I’m glad to hear you’re having some good times💚

 

 

 

[neroli]

hello Rosetta

 

Good to hear you had a couple of good days.  It's horrible going through the depression - the 'is this all worth it" thoughts.  I hope you will be  getting more better days again.

 

It's coming up to xmas and it brings up similar issues for me as you and Hibari have mentioned - every one else is having a "normal" time and I'm stuck with this disability and not knowing what to do with my time (even though I've got some friends who will be around, and projects I'm lining up).  I find I get into "why on earth did this happen" which I know is useless thinking - it did and whether it "should" have happened or not is not going to make the present any better.

 

Anyway, wishing you strength and continued improvement.

 

Neroli 💜

 

 

[Rosetta]

Thanks Carmie and Neroli.  Thank you for writing to me.

 

I drink the water, etc, but it doesn't seem to help.  The air is extremely dry here right now.  This is the driest time of year.  I think there is something about WD that causes the symptoms of dehydration regardless of whether we are technically dehydrated.  As for the hot flashes, I do think it's menopause, but WD complicates it.

 

This morning I have what feels like Akathisia.  I am absolutely desperate.  All I can do is ride it out.  All night I was awakened by hot flashes followed by cold spells.  Then, my daughter woke up at 5:30 am.  For 45 minutes she was squirming and making noise which ramps up my symptoms, it seems.  I managed to get her clothes and books together and fix her hair.  Now, my husband will take her to school.

[wantrelief]

Oh Rosetta - I am so sorry you are having such a rough morning.  I really hope once your daughter is at school you will feel a bit better.  Lots of hugs - WR.

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @wantrelief.  The muscle tension is strong.  I think my stomach muscles are involved.  These are the time when I wish there were a safe drug to get through.  I'm leery of taking Benadryl too often because I'm afraid my body will push back afterward and I will feel worse.  I just have to remember that this will end, and sometimes it's over within hours.

[FarmGirlWorks]

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

As for the hot flashes, I do think it's menopause, but WD complicates it.

Was thinking that from your updates (I always read them but do not always have the capacity to respond). I am in that phase where cycle has become irregular (2.5-3 weeks) and I am gaining a few pounds (I am small so even a few is a lot). I had night sweats this summer but I think they were more WD. Yes! it is totally mixed up and complicated when this stuff hits in WD. I've given up trying to figure it out.

 

I am sorry you are having a rough morning. We are all soooooo strong to ride this.

[Rosetta]

Thank you @FarmGirlWorks.  I still can't believe how hard this is at 21 months.  Acceptance.  No choice, but to accept this is what today is.  I know it could be so much worse.  I'm trying to be grateful that it's not.

[FarmGirlWorks]

5 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you @FarmGirlWorks.  I still can't believe how hard this is at 21 months.  Acceptance.  No choice, but to accept this is what today is.  I know it could be so much worse.  I'm trying to be grateful that it's not. 

I know! At 20 months, still gobsmacked. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance... I'm really starting to "get" how important that is to let the CNS stabilize. And mindfulness... seems like so much but it actually is a relief.

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta....not bad but not horrible... Im grateful for how far you have come!!  Think of you daily and hope you can get some sleep and some relief from the other symptoms that have come your way.  I have been struggling so with the dehydration as well...SO frustrating.  My doctor did say not to drink just water...put some electrolytes in it...so I mix my coconut water in with lots of water and I have to say it has helped some, except I need a portapotty!!  

Some days or parts of days seems my body just does not want too hydrate.  It is hard because that can lead to so many of the other symptoms.  Blessings and love to you!! 💜

[Rosetta]

Whew.  Today was my daughter's field trip to a park that is right across the street from my house.  I was able to go as a chaperone.

 

All went well despite the difficult night I had with hot flashes and cold spells.  I woke up early but ok, became anxious while trying to get extra sleep, and getting ready wasn't hard.  It would have been very hard the day before.  At the end of the park event, I dropped the phone and cracked the screen.  It was my husband's phone.  Then, I found out about an hour later that he had a $7.00 protective glass cover on the phone.  That cover cracked, but the original phone screen was fine.  Ugh.  I still had the physically sick feeling for hours after the adrenaline wore off.  

 

So, today, I had my walk, although it was short, because we walked from the school to the park -- and my sunlight.

 

Tonight, I'm having anxiety in my legs, a kind of restless leg syndrome -ish feeling.  I had this feeling last night, too.  I have this feeling in my gut or stomach, too.  I think it has to do with my hormones.  I've been getting hot flashes all day.  I get cold if I try to take off my sweater, but I can't find a comfortable degree of clothing.  

 

Yes, @FarmGirlWorks, it seems to help to find acceptance, but I'm still not sure that I'm finding it in spite of my symptoms or because my CNS is less irritated.  It's hard to tell.

 

Thank you @Rabe. You are always a source of comfort to me even when you are feeling so ill yourself.  

[Rabe]

Blessings Rosetta...hope you get some good sleep...what is with this font???😂

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I’m so sorry you get akathisia too. I get it as well, it’s the most awful symptom ever!! 

 

That stress with the phone must have really ramped up the adrenaline. When we’re already in a heightened state n something like that happens it’s certainly hard to calm down afterwards sometimes. Everything always seems so big. 

 

It’s really hard too when we can’t regulate our body temperature as well, some days I’ve gone from turning on the heater to turning on the air con. I hope that settles down for you soon. 

 

Im so glad though you managed to get out in the sunshine n enjoy a bit of an outing, it must have been a good distraction. I’m all for distractions.

 

It’s incredible, hey, that after 21 months you’re still suffering, and yet doctors think that once you’re off them you should be fine within a couple of weeks, or maybe a month. They have no clue.

 

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you💚

 

[Rosetta]

The night was very difficult.  The anxiety in my legs remained until I fell asleep.  I slept from about 9:00 to some point when a hot flash woke me up.  It was probably about 2:00 am. For the next couple of hours I was alternating between being cold and getting chills, getting warm under a feather blanket and falling asleep to then waking up with a hot flash in a panic and needing to strip off all covers and fan myself.  This happened over and over until about 4:30 am or later.  The worst part was that after each awakening I felt panic rising, and I would lie there feeling SI and deep, deep sadness.  The "life's not worth living" thoughts and on and on.  I tried to breathe, pay attention to my breath, talk to myself, etc..  At one point I was sobbing.  (I've been crying in the night for several nights now, but I forget about it in the daytime.) Eventually, I woke up after first light with no hot flash, but the panic built up as I tried to fall asleep again.  

 

I managed the morning routine all right, getting my daughter to school in the rain, finding her wet sweater and lunchbox in the lost and found, and heading out to breakfast with my husband.  I'm somewhat exhausted. Today feels fine as if last night was just a bad dream.  I haven't done anything productive, of course.  I've been reading here and trying to check in with others which has resulted in my neck, jaw, and tongue becoming tight enough to feel tingly and my nose is numb on one side.  It's not painful.  

 

So, another night and day of bizarre symptoms, inability to keep things orderly, etc., but I'm alive and hoping I'll keep improving until someday I feel "normal."  I'm glad the day is all right.

 

Today is day 54 since the beginning of my last period.  Undoubtedly, menopause and WD are combining to produce unusual WD symptoms in the night.  I've never read about anyone experiencing the mental anguish

symptoms I have through the night.  Others must have them, but perhaps not for the reason I do?

[FarmGirlWorks]

9 hours ago, Carmie said:

It’s incredible, hey, that after 21 months you’re still suffering, and yet doctors think that once you’re off them you should be fine within a couple of weeks, or maybe a month. They have no clue.

Yes yes and yes. Thank god for SA.

[FarmGirlWorks]

23 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

So, another night and day of bizarre symptoms, inability to keep things orderly, etc., but I'm alive and hoping I'll keep improving until someday I feel "normal."  I'm glad the day is all right.

I'm glad your day is all right too. Someday we will reach "normal."

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta...Im sorry for the very rough night...but also grateful for you that the day seems better.  Hold you in my heart and prayers always!!💜

[mirage]

Hi @Rosetta. Hi @Rabe. Hi @Carmie. Hi @FarmGirlWorks. I haven't been on the sight for a while but, occasionally, I do read to see how you are all doing. 

 

It sounds like we are all battling the menopause part of our lives. There is safety in numbers. lol. It is a rough addition to this, already, challenging journey. I battle with extreme night sweats. Then I throw off the covers and, shortly after, my teeth are chattering from being so cold. I know mine is menopause because I started this much before the withdrawal. I also have the, off and on, moodiness. Again, I had this happening before withdrawal. My sweet, wonderful, husband was chewing all wrong the other day. 😀 Sounds a smidge crazy, I know. But, with the moodiness, comes slight things that annoy me. Awe...the beauty of being a women!!!

 

Hoping and praying that all of you are seeing improvements and that your strength and faith continues to see you through this journey. 

 

Sending hugs to you all.

[FarmGirlWorks]

5 minutes ago, mirage said:

My sweet, wonderful, husband was chewing all wrong the other day. 😀 Sounds a smidge crazy, I know. But, with the moodiness, comes slight things that annoy me. Awe...the beauty of being a women!!!

Hahaha! A friend the other day told me she is going to break up with her bf because he grunts when working out and chews too loudly. She even had a condition called "misophonia" to explain it. I thought it straight up sounded like menopause but didn't say anything. Keep on, keepin' on, @mirage

[Rosetta]

I forgot to write that I had a short nap yesterday that did not result in a cortisol spike wake up.  It was about 20-30 minutes, I think.  I did get a hot flash at the end.

 

Thanks @FarmGirlWorks @Rabe @mirage @Carmie  What would I do without you!

 

 

[Hibari]

9 hours ago, Rosetta said:

The night was very difficult.  The anxiety in my legs remained until I fell asleep.  I slept from about 9:00 to some point when a hot flash woke me up.  It was probably about 2:00 am. For the next couple of hours I was alternating between being cold and getting chills, getting warm under a feather blanket and falling asleep to then waking up with a hot flash in a panic and needing to strip off all covers and fan myself.  This happened over and over until about 4:30 am or later.  The worst part was that after each awakening I felt panic rising, and I would lie there feeling SI and deep, deep sadness.  The "life's not worth living" thoughts and on and on.  I tried to breathe, pay attention to my breath, talk to myself, etc..  At one point I was sobbing.  (I've been crying in the night for several nights now, but I forget about it in the daytime.) Eventually, I woke up after first light with no hot flash, but the panic built up as I tried to fall asleep again.  

 

I managed the morning routine all right, getting my daughter to school in the rain, finding her wet sweater and lunchbox in the lost and found, and heading out to breakfast with my husband.  I'm somewhat exhausted. Today feels fine as if last night was just a bad dream.  I haven't done anything productive, of course.  I've been reading here and trying to check in with others which has resulted in my neck, jaw, and tongue becoming tight enough to feel tingly and my nose is numb on one side.  It's not painful.  

 

So, another night and day of bizarre symptoms, inability to keep things orderly, etc., but I'm alive and hoping I'll keep improving until someday I feel "normal."  I'm glad the day is all right.

 

Today is day 54 since the beginning of my last period.  Undoubtedly, menopause and WD are combining to produce unusual WD symptoms in the night.  I've never read about anyone experiencing the mental anguish

symptoms I have through the night.  Others must have them, but perhaps not for the reason I do?

Hi Rosetta,

 

I have experienced the mental anguish piece of wd and it's very hard. It's hard to describe to other people. 

 

I just want to say that is hear you and that you are not alone in that experience. 

 

I also want to acknowledge that your words about reinstating stayed  with me when I had to make my choice to reinstate.  Your honesty about taking the action to do so if necessary to avoid unnecessary pain was a compelling.  Thank you. 

[thecowisback]

menopause is the pits. i often wonder how much of my anxiety and panic is menopausal and how much is withdrawal. i tried hrt but only one day of wearing a patch made me so ill i thoight i'd have to go to a&e. i guess my system is really sensitized to other meds now. 

[Rosetta]

You're welcome, @Hibari. I hope it helps you.  I know you are going through a lot. 

 

@thecowisback I suppose it doesn't matter which parts are menopause and which are WD.  I'm ready for this phase to be over.

 

Journal:

Last night the sad thoughts were not as bad nor did they last as long, but I am so tired of waking up afraid over and over -- at least 3 or 4 times last night -- and of worrying.  My only alternative is to read, but that hurts my eye and jaw and neck not to mention the light in my eyes will interfere with my sleep. Maybe I could try books on tape.  That could get expensive.

 

Today went ok.  I helped with art today.  I didn't have to plan it and teach it.  Then, we got home and we were going to go for a walk in the rain.  I thought it would be nice, but my daughter made an enormous mess while I was in the bathroom.  I had to clean part of it up -- her shoes were covered in mud.  We couldn't go for our walk.  Now it's dark, and I feel very down.  Now, there's a muddy bathroom I'm going to make her clean tomorrow (which means I have to clean it after she does.). I'm feeling defeated by all that I need to do and having my days be so unpredictable, the cog fog and confusion, etc.. This is a hard way to live especially when my nights are so hard.  

[Rabe]

Hi Rosetta...

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

This is a hard way to live especially when my nights are so hard.  

I dont know how you do it, but you have and continue to...I admire your strength, honesty, compassion, and devotion to your family...and so much more!  Hope tonight and tomorrow are better!💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Rabe.

 

Journal: 

 

Today is Saturday.

 

Last night was better.  I was awake several times, but I didn't worry too much, I didn't cry, I didn't have as many hot flashes or cortisol spikes.  I wasn't awake for long periods.  At one point I was very sad, but I fell asleep again.  Each time I woke up I was afraid I would get upset, but I didn't.  I think I had a pleasant dream, and then I woke up early.  I decided to try to sleep again. I had one cortisol spike after that.   My daughter slept late.  

 

I'm trying to practice acceptance that my house is a wreck.  I'm grateful that my husband is helping me with the laundry.  There's no rain today.  No one is coming over. My daughter is playing with her Legos.  It's a bit late -- 9:30.  

 

We should go out today.  Maybe to the beach.

[wantrelief]

I am so glad last night was better, Rosetta.  I hope you make it to the beach today.  Thinking about you - WR.

[Rabe]

Im so happy to hear your night went so well Rosetta...easier to head into the day with that wind at your back huh?  Yay that your laundry is being tag teamed...I do hope you have time to get out...the beach sounds lovely!!!  Thinking of you!  💜

[neroli]

On 11/28/2018 at 4:41 AM, Rosetta said:

This morning I have what feels like Akathisia.  I am absolutely desperate.  All I can do is ride it out.

I'm with you on this one, Rosetta.  Had it for a couple of days - v shaky and wobbly, anxiety up and as you say can only ride it out.  So, thinking of you and wishing strength to both of us.

 

xxx Neroli

[mirage]

@FarmGirlWorks so funny that your friend gave it a name. I like that. And, I think you are right about it being straight up menopause. 

 

I think you said you are at 20 months? I will hit 18 months tomorrow. In a pretty rough wave right now after having about 2 months of things being pretty mild and very tolerable. How are you doing?

[mirage]

Okay friends. Please ignore the crazy amount of times my last message posted. My computer was showing me that it wasn't posting and then, BOOM...it posted a million times. I can't figure out how to delete them. lol!!!!

 

I guess my computer really wanted me to get this message out. If nothing else, it gave me a pretty good laugh.