Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

I'm hoping it's a short wave for you and you will be ok for your trip.  I think you do wonderfully well with all the activities, looking after your daughter and facing the WD effects.

 

Best of wishes

 

xx

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks, @neroli  

 

Today has been a day to just get through.  Bad anxiety upon awakening.  Had to do nothing (watch TV) for hour waiting for it to pass.  Very intense muscle tension bordering on pain.  It's on both sides.  My face, jaw, neck, shoulders and calves.  It's reminiscent of menstrual pain, but different somehow.  I can't identify how.  I will be glad when this lets up.

 

We don't leave until Saturday, and I'm sure this will be gone by then.  

 

 

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I’m sorry you’ve had a day where you’re just trying to get through it. I’m sure everyone on this site can relate to that. Boy, we go through a lot, don’t we? Can’t wait until we’re all success stories.

 

Hoping you’re feeling a bit better soon, Sending hugs🤗

[neroli]

3 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Today has been a day to just get through.  Bad anxiety upon awakening.  Had to do nothing (watch TV) for hour waiting for it to pass.  Very intense muscle tension bordering on pain.  It's on both sides.  My face, jaw, neck, shoulders and calves.  It's reminiscent of menstrual pain, but different somehow.  I can't identify how.  I will be glad when this lets up.

 

We don't leave until Saturday, and I'm sure this will be gone by then.  

Hi Rosetta

 

As Carmie said, we can all relate to the just getting through days.  They are tough.  Physically, emotionally, mentally.

 

I sure hope this will have gone by Saturday.

 

xx

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

@neroli and @Carmie,

 

Thank you both so much.  I got through it.  I even went to gymnastics class and dinner afterward.  Evenings are better, usually.

 

Sleep last night was ok except that I woke up with intense muscle tension on my right side.  The hip was quite tense and the lower calf and my forearm.  Then I awake from a very bad dream this morning after first light.  I have a very intense adrenaline reaction to that.  It felt different than a cortisol spike, I think.  No nausea and the clear memory of a cause for the panic instead of complete confusion and bewilderment.

[Rosetta]

Hello.  Still in a wave, mornings very hard, evenings much better.  I'm trying to get ready for this trip.  We leave tomorrow.  I think I'm going to be ready by tomorrow morning.  It's going to be very, very cold there -- the high will about 12 to 13 degrees Fahrenheit.  I'm worried about that.

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

Glad that you're ready for the trip.

 

Wishing you all the best with it and hoping that once you've got going, it will be smoother than you might have imagined.  Hope so.

 

Hmmmm, yes those do sound like v. low temperatures. 🧤🧦🧣🧥

 

xx

 

Neroli 💜

[Rabe]

Hope your trip goes really really well Rosetta!  Maybe the cold will help some...it does me sometimes.  Thinking about you!  Take care!!  💜

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I can’t read much at the moment, but I see you’ve gone on a trip. Hope you’re having a nice time. 💚

[Rosetta]

Hello, everyone.  The trip went better than I expected.  It was hard.  It was also fun for short bursts of time.  My daughter saw snow for the first time she can remember.  She was 2 the last time we saw snow.  She loved it, and I truly enjoying seeing her delight.  She learned to ski.  That was one of the points of the trip for me.  During the drive up we saw really beautiful parts of the Southwest, Joshua Trees, red cliffs illuminated by the sunset, and snowy mountains, and as we drove out we saw wild turkeys.  We also saw the most amazing gorge near St George, Utah. It was really spectacular.  The resort itself was breathtakingly beautiful with all the snow on the trees and mountains.  

 

I had hoped that getting away would help me, and it did, but the weather and altitude were so extreme.  We arrived at 5,800 feet on Saturday night, and at 9,800 feet the next day.  We live at 650 feet above sea level.  So, we felt terrible for days.  We didn't sleep well any night.  Tuesday night's sleep was a bit better.  Sunday and Monday I had terrible headaches, and Tuesday I finally felt well enough to ski.  I had fun, and was amazed at how easy it was for me.  My daughter learned to ski on Monday and Tuesday, but she complained that she couldn't breathe.  On Wednesday, my daughter didn't want to ski, but I had had fun the day before, and I went again.  It was great at first.  Then, I twisted my left knee within just a couple of hours and had to be rescued.  A bad snowstorm was predicted for Thursday and Friday.  We packed up Wednesday afternoon and left a day early.  By noon the next day the roads were very dangerous and the interstate was closed 3 1/2 hours south of the ski resort.  

 

Overall, it was very stressful and disappointing, but this trip showed me that I could pull it together and actually enjoy short parts of the trip.  That's very encouraging for the future.  So, I'm glad we went.  My knee is healing.  That issue caused me a lot of anxiety, of course.  I panicked and cried for a while before I called for ski patrol.  Having to give up on getting down the mountain on my own was quite discouraging, but it would have been impossible to make my leg take me down.  I would have damaged it much more, I'm sure.  It's very fragile even now, and I have to keep my weight on my other leg.

 

Since we returned I've had a meltdown.  Thursday was stressful as we had to visit my mother in law for my husband's birthday.  She gets very anxious sometimes, and it makes me really anxious.  She's very impatient ocassionally.   As one can imagine, we clash when this happens.  The situation is very depressing for me because she never apologizes, and I feel that I have to apologize, but if I do she reacts poorly.  So, I feel trapped and disrespected.  So, I was crying before we left to see her and then she was anxious and upset about something.  We clashed, and I was crying after we returned.  I woke up in the night feeling SI, and that my life is not worth living.

 

Being in this house has me very confused and overwhelmed.  Being away seemed to allow me to avoid some of the cog fog that I usually have.  I'm going to have to fix this mess.  The stress of it weighing on me is too much.  I hope I'll be able to begin to cull and organize soon.  I know I will benefit in the long run, but I worry about having a meltdown from the effort.  

 

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I’m glad you got to go on holiday, I’m sorry about the snowstorm and hurting your knee though. Nevertheless, it’s very nice to hear you enjoyed certain parts of the holiday. 

 

 The nature you were surrounded with sounds spectacular, I would have loved to have seen it. I haven’t seen snow since I was a teenager and lived in Germany. I’m so glad it made you happy to see your daughter ski.⛷ I’d love to see snow again some day, we do get some down south in Australia, but not up here in Queensland, the sunshine state.

 

Yes, interactions with some people certainly can be stressful, and I think when our neuro emotions are at work it makes these interactions even worse. Your house being cluttered must be stressful too, as you say. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but do you think you might be able to set a timer and declutter things and throw things out in just small periods of time each day. Just set the time for ten minutes or so a day. It’s not overwhelming that way, and it really can add up. Maybe later you can do two ten minute sessions a day. My motto with things is consistency over intensity. If we do things consistently, no matter how small, it really does add up. 

 

I’m really sorry you had a bad night, I hope you have a better one tonight.💚

[wantrelief]

Oh Rosetta, I am so pleased for you that you were able to get away.  It sounds like you had some true moments of pleasure which is wonderful.  I am really sorry about the stressful parts (your poor knee!) and for what happened with your MIL upon your return.  But the fact that you were able to do this trip, something I am sure you could not have imagined sometime ago, is a sure sign of healing!  It was very courageous of you to give the trip a go at all.  I hope you recover soon from all of the recent stressors and can bask in the fact that you accomplished something really important.

[RusTW]

Rosetta good job at getting out there and challenging yourself. Everything seems a little bit harder going through withdrawals. 

Your doing good.Well done

 Russ

    

[Waterfall]

Hey Rosetta, 

I just wanted to stop by and say hi. 

I think it's great that you managed to go on a trip, 

and that you not only survived it, but enjoyed parts of it too. 

I noticed you said something about each wave being followed by a lot of improvement. 

You've always impressed me with the confidence you have in things getting better. 

I feel like I've seen improvements before, and sometimes when a wave hits, you feel like you lose them. 

I'm glad I stopped by, because you reminded me again, that 'losing' them, doesn't mean they are gone forever. 

It might just mean that some things will be even better, just around the corner!  

And if you can endure all these things, well, then maybe I can too.  

Hugs, 

Waterfall.  

[Rosetta]

@Waterfall so good to see you!  I know you have been struggling as I read your thread today.  Thank you for making the effort to write on mine.  @Carmie thanks for your kind words.  It was definitely an accomplishment to go on that trip, and it makes me feel much hope.  @wantrelief thank you, I will recover, and when my knee seems back to normal I think I will so very glad that I went.  Thanks @RusTW.  It's good to get that feedback as I have felt very bad for the last two nights.  

 

Thank you @Carmie @wantrelief @RusTW and @Waterfall

[Rosetta]

 

It has been 2 YEARS this month since I finished the rapid taper of 150 mg of sertraline.

 

The clutter in the house is bothering me A LOT in this wave.  It's what is on my mind the most in the middle of the night.  My daughter wants a birthday party in 2 months, and I am very discouraged that it could not be here because I won't have that problem fixed by them.  When she talks about the party I get very tense and upset.  This year will be the fourth year we couldn't have a party here.  Four years of being unable to keep my house in order!!  It seems as if I will never be normal again.  

 

I still fear, during a wave, that this syndrome will never end although I know that's not true.

 

I am in a wave right now, and having fearful thoughts, much anxiety, feeling like crying, worries about my child and my husband -- all the emotional troubles of a wave.  I woke up without a cortisol spike, and feeling as if I could handle the day.  The anxiety increased after my child and husbamd got up as is usual if I happen to wake up caLm.  I took a shower.  It is about 1:30 pm, and I'm feeling less anxiety for the day.  

-I have no pain, no dystonia, and very little muscle tension today, although this is still a very common symptom.

-My hair is falling out at a much less intense rate now.  This symptom has been much better for the past few weeks.  I hope that means I'm nearly healed.  

-My gastrointestinal system is working a lot better in the last few months.

-I have a fair amount of confusion especially when I am at home.

-Taking a shower is quite a bit easier than it used to be.  About 16 months ago showers were scary because I couldn't hear if someone broke into the house while I was in the shower.  Sleeping was scary, too, then for the same reason.  Now I'm not worried more than normal about those threats.  The fatigue that used to stop me from showering has been gone a long time, but the anxiety about getting my hair dry and having clean clothes to wear is always a stressor that delays my showers. Those worries were present today.  

-My blood sugar issues are much better than they used to be.  It is only occasionally that I feel that I have to eat frequently to stay level.  

- Sleep is much, much better.  I still have nights of fear and worry in the dark such as last night.  Overall, I seem to get enough sleep.  I rarely have cortisol spike in the dark.  I have far fewer mornings with a strong cortisol wake up, and while I still have anxiety in the mornings it does not happen as early and is intense only sometimes.  It drops to a tolerable level more quickly, too, most of the time.

-I just had a normal period for the first time in 4 months.

-I just returned from the first trip I have taken in almost 4 years, and it went rather well considering the challenges outside of WD. (See posts above.)

-Tinnitus is rare and resolves quickly.

(To be continued below)

 

 

 

 

 

[bheb]

Hey Rosetta,

 

I'm sorry you're stuck in an emotional wave right now.  But it's really good to see that physically some things are looking up. No akathisia or muscle tension, that's huge! And your regular cycle/normal blood sugar, very good signs that your hormones, your body in general is getting back to a place of normal regulation. 

 

But I know the fear and emotional toil are not light to bear at all. I hope you find some more peace this evening

 

-bheb

 

edit: oh and traveling! That's a ton of stress, but like you said you managed it really well. I know it's not the same thing as enjoying vacation like everyone else, but you'll get there.

[FarmGirlWorks]

Hey @Rosetta: the 2 year marks is a big deal. Congrats on being so eloquent and articulate about your battle with WD. Alwat=ys, much appreciated.

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

Thanks for your message on my thread.

 

I'm so glad you managed the trip - I can fully understand the stress it would have caused,  When I was in "normal" protracted WD a couple of years ago, I couldn't commit to trips or even social events because I never knew whether I'd be in a window or wave, so you did something really amazing there.

 

2 years off!  Great stuff.  Hoping you see some corners turned this year.

 

And you will sort the house....sometime!  It seems so important to you.

 

Your log of improvements stacks up well.  It's incremental and often we don't see it but there you have your own proof that there has been improvement.

 

Happy for you

 

xx

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks @bheb @FarmGirlWorks and @neroli. Today was pretty difficult.  I hope tomorrow is easier.  I'm really tired of this misery coming back over and over again.  I went out to lunch and walked a short distance.  That's about it.  It was a "just get through the day" kind of day.  Tonight my face muscles are very tight and my neck muscle are somewhat tight.

[neroli]

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I hope tomorrow is easier.  I'm really tired of this misery coming back over and over again.  I went out to lunch and walked a short distance.

I hope it is too, Rosetta.  I can completely understand the fatigue of dealing with the misery like Groundhog Day.

 

Good to hear you managed the lunch and walk.  It shows there's still that little ember there that is keeping you going.

 

By the way, I've had the vines taken out.  All gone, naked fence there now, and no more worries about how I'm going to keep trimming them with this condition (and then on into old age).  Will leave the gap there for some time before I decide If I want to plant something else - now that the vines have gone, the patch of garden gets the full sun and is drying out the remaining plants so I will see how the seasons treat that bit of ground before I make a decision

 

Wishing you a better tomorrow.

 

xx

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

Thanks @neroli

 

At the moment I'm struggling, but it will be ok.  It always passes.  The anxiety has been stronger the past two day -- in the night and the morning.  The last two nights I have been awake with many worries and woke up in the morning very anxious.  A cortisol issue, I assume.  

 

Yesterday evening I felt muscle tension and vibration that reminds me a lot of Akathisia.  With the anxiety happening at the same time I think it is a mild Akathisia.  I fell asleep several times last night and was awakened by my daughter.  She couldn't fall asleep.  Each time that happened I became more and more anxious.  Eventually, she fell asleep.  I woke up many times in the night feeling anxious.

 

Once the anxiety wore off yesterday, I felt better than Monday (the day before), and I went to lunch and for a long walk.  In the afternoon, I became extremely lethargic.  I went to gymnastics and dinner anyway.  Now that the effort of getting my daughter off to school is past, I'm aware that the lethargy is still there.  I'm very anxious that I can't do much.  All I can do is wait for my body to process my energy better.  

 

Its very frustrating that the long walk didn't fix this issue, but that's the way it goes.  Nothing about this condition makes sense.  I feel that I have no control over my life.  It's very hard.

[neroli]

1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

I feel that I have no control over my life.  It's very hard.

Hi Rosetta

 

I am deeply moved by your post - because I know just what it is like and how debilitating the condition is.  I experience much of what you mention.

 

It is very hard.  I send you the best wishes I can for a break in your symptoms and one of those better days.

 

love

 

xx

 

Neroli 💜

[SkyBlue]

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Its very frustrating that the long walk didn't fix this issue, but that's the way it goes.  Nothing about this condition makes sense.  I feel that I have no control over my life.  It's very hard.

 

Hi Rosetta. Just stopping by to say hi. I know you mentioned on Sunday that you'd been in anxiety mode, and sounds like it's still happening. : (  Your words today, "I feel that I have no control over my life," truly resonate with me. ❤️ Sending you solidarity.

[Rosetta]

Thank you, @SkyBlue.  Thank you.

[SkyBlue]

❤️

 

[Rosetta]

Yesterday was very hard and so was this morning, but I did get up and go.  I took my daughter to school, got some breakfast and went to her event at 10:45.  Then, I picked her up.  All I was able to do yesterday was pick her up.  I hope I'm am starting to get better.  Sleep last night was a little better.

[Rosetta]

Having discomfort in my knees - both of them.  They feel swollen.  Still lethargic, but not quite as lethargic as before.  My husband and daughter are tired, too.  We may have a virus.  My daughter's been crying a lot today.

[Rosetta]

I am slowly coming out of my wave, but my daughter stayed home from school yesterday.  So, this is day two of her being home, and it's raining.  I simply don't do well on the second day she's home unless we get out and do something.  So, that was the plan today, but on top of the rain a man came to help my husband with the solar panels.  So, we are cooped up, and my anxiety is getting worse.  I really can't think when I feel this way.  I'm finally letting her watch TV as of about 12:30.  I had to leave the room because the show she's watching is too activating for me.  I'm going to make her switch to a quiet one soon.  

 

Im trying very hard to remember that I will get better, but this isn't the way I want to live at all.  I want the house in order and to invite her friends over.  I want to feel safe and comfortable in my own house.  Instead, I feel that I'm living in some sort of Hell from a Sci-fI psychological horror movie.  I keep wishing I had never let so much stuff come into my house, but that's not useful to me.  What's done is done.  I simply can't think straight in order to get rid of things.  My daughter doesn't want me to get rid of her toys, of course, but eventually we have to.  Well, it's not helpful to obsess about the situation.  I need to distract.  So, I'm going to watch a show now.

[Carmie]

Hi Rosetta, 

 

I’m glad to hear that you’re slowly coming out of your wave. I always feel very sad when I read about how your cluttered house makes you feel. It must be awful waking up there every morning. You seem to be stuck and can’t move forward in that regard. Have you ever tried just getting rid of stuff for ten minutes a day or so, or are you finding that overwhelming too? 

 

We are sometimes our worst enemies. I know I self sabotage things too. In withdrawals everything seems so overwhelming too, and sometimes we are just in survival mode, and anything extra is too much. Once I actually make the first small step towards something I want to or need to do I start getting some momentum, and then the forward movement becomes much easier. We can be in our heads too much. 

 

I hope you cope okay at home today. Enjoy your TV show.💚

[neroli]

Hello Rosetta

 

Thank you so much for your lovely message on my thread - good to have your support.

 

I do hope you are emerging from your wave and having some calmer periods.

 

Thinking of you

 

xx

 

Neroli 💜

[Rosetta]

Thank you, Carmie and Neroli.  I watched Idaho From Above on Netflix.  I recommend it.  Very soothing.

[Carmie]

6 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you, Carmie and Neroli.  I watched Idaho From Above on Netflix.  I recommend it.  Very soothing.

 

I just had a look for it  Rosetta, but it’s not on Netflix here in Australia.

 

I’ve actually been watching period dramas. I have them on DVD.  Finished watching Cranford and Return To Cranford. I’m watching Larkrise To Candleford now. Next will be Little Dorrit, good ol’ Charles Dickens. 

 

I hope you find more programs that help you chill out💚

 

 

[Rosetta]

I have been suffering from a lot of fear the last few days.  Usually, it happens at night, but today it was in the daytime, and I had an Epsom salt bath.  It's anxiety maybe, but tips into fear every so often.  I'm trying to be grateful for the fact that many symptoms have gone, including a hypersensitivity to smell.  That is very rare now.

[Rosetta]

I keep telling myself that any sort of stress can make me feel this way.  There's been a lot of stress recently.  The trip and then a week after we returned my daughter was home from school for 3 days -- this past Friday. Sat and Sun while I was in this wave.  On Sunday, I cried and cried, but fortunately my daughter didn't see that.  I feel overwhelmed.  There's too much going on.

 

This is Akathisia I think? I'm vibrating on the inside.  I just got out of a shower.  Should I take Benadryl?  I've been trying to just bear it instead for fear of making it worse by taking Benadryl.  One day that happened, Benadryl made me feel worse ( I fell asleep and then kept waking with cortisol spikes) but I hope it was because I had had too much magnesium.  I don't take magnesium any more.

 

I'm waiting for it to clear.  I'm not a square one all the time, but there are moments I feel as if I am.  I keep telling myself that after a wave I reach a whole new level of healing.

 

Yesterday when I was crying my husband had a panic attack.  He thought it was a heart attack, but it passed pretty quickly.  (His heart has been checked within the past year two and was fine.)  So, I don't want ask him to help me right now.

[Rabe]

On 2/11/2019 at 8:59 PM, Rosetta said:

I keep telling myself that each wave is followed by a lot of improvement.  I see that a lot of us go through a phase when we cannot see that it's not permanent.

 

On 2/23/2019 at 3:29 PM, Rosetta said:

Then, I twisted my left knee within just a couple of hours and had to be rescued.  A bad snowstorm was predicted for Thursday and Friday.  We packed up Wednesday afternoon and left a day early.

 

On 2/23/2019 at 3:29 PM, Rosetta said:

Thursday was stressful as we had to visit my mother in law for my husband's birthday.

Hi Rosetta...I am so sorry you are struggling.  I just am back on the site and was reading all that has been going on . I was trying to post some things you said but I keep losing them.  I am thinking that where you are right now is ok...that it WILL pass as soon as your system resets.  Good grief you have done and been through a lot in the past couple weeks.  Just the trip was huge.  And the altitude, and the knee in jury, and having to leave early because of fear of storm, then back to home and all that is there, then your MIL, and your daughter sick and being 'cooped up', and not wanting to have her see you upset, then your husband having anxiety because you are having anxiety....who do you turn to for comfort and support for you?  I think we all have that feeling...of bearing it alone because how we are is hurting others...at least I do...and it makes everything worse.

Given all that you have confronted in past couple weeks and now I hope that you can be kind to yourself and know that your body and mind have been and probably still are in/on high alert.  I care about you so much and just wish for you to take care of you!!!  Hugs and love, Rosetta, my dear friend!!!💜