Ottonymous: preparing to come off... seeking advice

[Ottonymous]

Hi all, 

This is my first post here and my first real attempt at tapering off of all psychiatric medications. A very brief background, I have been on 20+ medications since I was 12, ranging from antidepressants, mood stabilizers, benzodiazepines, anti-convulsants, anti-psychotics, and sleep drugs. I am 22 now and finally, (sober this time) investigating some of the core issues that caused me to self medicate-via doctor and drug dealer-and I'm ready to really sit with my emotions and feel them fully. 

Currently I am on Lithium-1050mg, Gabapentin-600mg, Celexa-5mg

I have been reading as much as I can on comingoff.org and SA and would like to prepare myself and set myself up for success. From what I understand 10% taper is ideal. I am not in any hurry, I just want this to be as positive experience as possible so this is fine. I met with my psychiatrist today and she had some smaller dosages prescribed for me and is on board and on my team for which I am thankful. 

I am wondering if there are other things I can do smartly prepare. I read briefly about remineralization but am not sure what that entails. Any foods, supplements, behaviors that would ease me into this journey? Ideas? Thoughts? 

I start this process April 1st and will post updates. 

Thank you!

[ChessieCat]

Hi Ottonymous and welcome to SA,

 

I'm going to give you lots of links to check out.  Please don't feel overwhelmed, just work your way through them one at a time as you feel able.

 

Please ask questions about your own situation here in your Intro topic.  This keeps your history in one place.

 

SA recommends tapering by no more than 10% of the previous dose followed by a hold at that dose for about 4 weeks to allow the brain to adapt to not getting as much of the drug.  This is because psychiatric drugs create a physiological dependence, not physical like caffeine or nicotine.

 

Patience is needed to get off these drugs.  We suggest throwing out the calendar and listening to your body and your symptoms.  If after 4 weeks you don't feel stable or life circumstances are a bit more stressful than usual (for example the Christmas period, winter time, or job change) it is better to stay at that dose for a bit longer until things settle down.

 

Thank you for creating a drug signature.  However we need some additional information.  We need a something simple which we can glance at to see your history.  Date drug dose.  Please use the preferred format.  Remember to update whenever you make a change. 

 

A request: Would you summarize your history in a signature - ALL drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements, in the last 12-24 months particularly?

• Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses.
• A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 

• Any drugs prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years.
• Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago)
• Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016.
• Link to Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

Before you begin tapering what you need to know

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?
If you're not having an adverse reaction from the other medications, taper the most activating drug first. This is usually an antidepressant or stimulant (ADHD drug).

 

Tips for tapering off Celexa (citalopram)

Tips for tapering off Neurontin (gabapentin)

Tips for tapering off lithium

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen's Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?

What should I expect from my doctor about withdrawal symptoms?

 

Brain Remodelling

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Keep it Simple, Slow and Stable

Keep Notes on Paper

 

Rate Symptoms Daily to Check Patterns and Progress


Preparing to Taper

Tapering Calculator - Online

 

The only supplements which SA recommends are Magnesium and Omega-3 Fish Oil.  Try a small amount one at a time to see how you react.  It is best to make only 1 change at a time.  It is also better not to start taking a complex vitamin because if you experience issues you will not know what exactly is causing it.  B vitamins can be stimulating especially B6.  hypersensitive-to-b-vitamin-or-b-vitamin-complex  If trying anything new, start with a small amount to see how you react and build up to the recommended amount. 

 

Even with a careful and slow taper you will most likely experience times of discomfort.  It is best to learn and use Non-drug techniques to cope

 

There are many existing topics and discussions on this site.  You can use the site search function on the main page of the site at the top right, or use a search engine and include survivingantidepressants.org in your search string.

 

As I said, lots of information, but I really want you to have what you need so you can have a successful taper.

 

This is your own Intro topic where you can ask questions and journal your progress.  We suggest that members visit each others Intro topics so that can support and encourage each other.

[Ottonymous]

ChessieCat, thank you! This is an incredible wealth of resources, I really appreciate you taking the time. I updated my signature and will start to get involved in this community before beginning April 1st.

Right now I feel very hopeful, excited, and inspired and I know from prior experience that this can be a very challenging time. My theory is it can be challenging but it doesn't have to be damaging when it's thoughtfully planned--coupled with mindfulness and a community to validate and bolster one's goals and experience. 

I think really good and honest documentation will keep me aware of patterns and emotional fluctuations so I intend to do that in a couple different ways. 

Thanks again! 
Cheers!

 

[Ottonymous]

Hi there. 

I am new to this website but not to withdrawals and psych meds. Nor am I new to being processed by the painfully invalidating and standardized American mental health system. This log is going to be primarily for staying aware of changes in perception and time as it passes during my exploration, and I hope that it resonates with someone else out there too.  

When I began this journey with medications I was 12 years old--I played softball and guitar, I lived with my mom and stepdad and my mom was expecting. I was angry about my new sister. I felt like I was I was fading into the background of the this new family of which I didn't belong. In childhood had been separated from my drug-addicted-incarcerated dad when I was four and was really hurt by that developmentally. I began to regress in different ways--needing diapers after being fully potty-trained, crying a lot, etc. Life was pretty turbulent, we lived in many different apartments, homes, other people's homes, and I was watched by anyone and everyone while my mom went to school and worked. There were drugs and alcohol involved but never to the extent that it endangered me. I was molested when I was 8 by a family friend of my new stepdad's. I never told anyone. In general I really kept most things to myself, aiming to please and never to offend. 

By age twelve my hormones were raging. I was becoming sexually aware and I realized through experimentation and self honesty I was gay. Socialization was incredibly hard and I began to deal with crippling anxiety. I don't remember how it came on, but I do know it was right around Christmas of '07. I was obsessed with death. I had this feeling like in the timeline of the Earth's celestial existence we were a fragment of a millisecond and death was so soon, so inevitable, so inescapable that it had already happened. I felt like some ghost that was haunted by the memory of its former self. I began having panic attacks. One of the first I had was so bad I broke out into hives, had diarrhea, a bpm of 200+ and was utterly inconsolable. This prompted fear of having more panic attacks that fed the cycle... you know how it is. I sunk into a heavy depression. I had psychosomatic issues with swallowing and with my stomach. I checked my heart rate often and ate many, many Tums a day. My journey to medication actually started with a speech therapy appointment my mom booked for me because of my tightening throat and anxiety with swallowing. I was in some manner of ways directed to a psychiatrist who on 6/5/08 prescribed 10mg Prozac. This didn't work for me and in less than two months I was on 20mg of Celexa and 25mg of Seroquel, (for sleep). 
 

Eventually I finally told my family both about the sexual abuse and being gay but the effects of suppression remained. My anxiety was unbelievably bad. Eventually I was taken to therapy. I never took it seriously. I felt like the format was unbearably skewed, like no one could possibly really care and anyway they were being paid? I lied. I said all kinds of things but mostly I said nothing. I started experimenting with drugs and found that opiates were very effective in quelling anxiety. Between the trauma, the drugs, and the prescribed medications my memory has really taken a hit so some of this is hard to recount accurately but I'm doing my best. After the initial upset of the things I told my family, everything moved along mostly unperturbed. I never talked about anything but I continued to take the pills. I did nothing to improve my life or my relationship with myself but I continued to take the pills. 

As I got older I had all kinds of issues with relationships and emotional regulation. I lied to myself so much I had no idea what was true anymore. I self medicated a lot and started to lose control. I was reunited with my biological father in '14 which proved to be a really toxic symbiosis of guilt and shame. Ultimately he overdosed and died after a night of us using together. The lead me to rehab at 17. I moved out of my parents house and was sober for awhile with varying degrees of success. I quit opiates, started drinking, and fell in love with an alcoholic. I was in a two year long relationship with a girl that I worked with that ended poorly and I was stuck in close proximity with her. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't sleep. My mind raced. I was so hurt and angry I was absolutely boiling over with emotion. I toyed with suicide, was erratic, and was ultimately put on a 5250 and diagnosed Bipolar 1. Immediately I was put on Lithium, Seroquel, Klonapin in addition to the Gabapentin and Celexa I was already on. This was a hard cocktail to get used to and eventually we made some changes. Since then I have been on Lithium, Gabapentin, and Celexa in various dosages. After awhile things were much better, but still rocky. 

I still had issues with sharp, fast mood swings that generally were produced during interactions with others. I still had searing moments of self hatred and issues with self identity. With a recent clarity gained through yoga, dance,  and good friendship I realized I have never worked to understand the nature of my "illness". I sought a therapist for the first time in earnest a few months ago and was diagnosed with BPD. While I have issues with diagnoses at all, both for their limitations and their unlimited nature, I grew to find some real parallels in my experience and that of a BPD person. The importance of this is primarily that it brought me to a point of curiosity. What are my triggers? How did that event change the way I view love? I started to grow stronger in my ability to ask and answer questions of myself. I think it is possible that my experiences thus far have been dictated mostly by nurture instead of nature. I am so curious to see what differences life without medication will make but I am careful not to romanticize. I simply feel ready to be with the world in all of its colors, with all of its volume. 

I have begun tapering Celexa and plan to start another cut 4/1/18. I know this will be slow going but that's okay with me. 

 

Just for some quick history and my own reference: 

10/17/18 Gabapentin 600mg, Celexa 10mg, Lithium 600mg
2/1/18-current (3/27/18) Gabapentin 600mg, Celexa 2.5mg, Lithium 1050mg (increased due to depressive phase that started after LD partner had to go back home). 

[ChessieCat]

I've merged the new Intro topic you created with your original Intro topic.  Each member has only 1 Intro topic where they can ask questions about their own situation and journal their progress.  This helps to keep your history in one place.

 

Please do not create any more Intro topics.  Thank you.

[Ottonymous]

I guess I'm no good at following directions. Thanks for your help.

[Ottonymous]

(March 27 2018)

Today I am feeling antsy to get off of the drugs but will move slowly and listen to my body anyway. I have been sped up for the past couple of weeks, or at least higher energy than usual. I get really involved in projects and right now I am a few weeks into growing oyster mushrooms and attempting to grow all of my own food. At times I feel race-y. I am going to bed much, much later than usual (3am) and sleeping in but perhaps that's due to it being spring break and all. 

I don't know if I believe in mania or bipolar disorder or diagnoses in general though they have dictated the way I have received "care" my whole life. This system, (and medication for me), begin to confuse the truth. It's hard to know what an emotion is in its rawest form and where feelings are generated and felt. I think this has a lot to with being under the influence of these drugs. 

I am setting up a 28 day pill organizer tonight. Planning on beginning reduction of Lithium in a week. Almost through with Celexa, I've been at 2.5mg for 2 weeks now. 

Keep feeling like my skin is almost itchy. Like prickly, the way it gets when I'm irritated. Not sure why. 

Going to try to sleep now.

[Ottonymous]

(March 28)

Working very hard on my projects. Felt: joy, satisfaction, irritation and twinges of jealousy today. 

Feeling like I might be able to sleep tonight.

[Ottonymous]

(March 29) 

I did sleep well last night thankfully. 

Today I feel really cranky. I feel kind of confused, like I don't know where to go or what to do. Hard to know if it's w/d's from Celexa or PMS. I am also very hungry so I'm guessing the latter. I have not exercised in three weeks which is a long time for me. I feel a little stuck. There are many things I should do but I can only seem to focus on my projects. And even then in a very passionate and scattered fashion. I'd like to exercise or do yoga or dance but I feel pretty apathetic. I don't know how I will make it through the semester like this, perhaps I'll be ready by the end of spring break to focus again. Hard to stay in contact with friends for some reason. I am busy with my family and the foreign exchange student. 

[Ottonymous]

(March 30)
 

Traveling with family including two little sisters. Over stimulated very easily. So frustrated and irritated at times. Actually took about .2mg of xanax midday to cope which helped a little. Everything feels like an assault on the senses sometimes. Can't stand people talking over each other/at the same time, lots of movement, etc, esp. don't want to be touched. Need things to slow down. 

Bought reishi mushroom to make detoxifying tea back at home. Interested in how herbs can help ease this process. Any advice is so welcome. 

[Ottonymous]

(March 31)

Feel alone in this. My partner is very helpful and supportive but I can't help feeling like no one can really relate to how I'm feeling. I seem to have a real touch sensitivity starting yesterday and also temperature disregulation and lots of chills for no reason. What is this about? Feeling scared to proceed with my plan and I think I need to take things even slower during taper than I originally thought (around 15% drop, 2.5 week hold). Even though my psychiatrist repeatedly assures anything below 10mg of Celexa is "sub-therapeutic" going gradually from 5 to 2.5 has been undeniably felt. 

Just so I stay grounded I must remember: Since the beginning of this tapering process I have done no yoga, no dance and limited exercise (walking 45min-1hr). Socializing has become hard. I have been overeating, I think in part because of the foreign exchange student and going out a lot, also Easter. I have 100% checked out of my schooling, it seems useless and lifeless. I can depend on gardening, mushroom cultivation, and being outdoors to engage me. I do still have passion, it is, like it is for everyone I think, very selective. And mutable. 

Moving forward after this break I really want to try to get yoga in twice a week, dance only once every two weeks (bc $) and a run or two a week (which is FREE). I also intend to eat healthier though not nec. vegetarian bc I do think meat protein helps me. I would like to get Omega 3's but I can't afford supplements. I believe also when I start getting good sleep, (it's been at least a week of 4-6 torturous hours of tossing and turning) I will start to feel really much better. 

Hopeful and nervous. 

[Ottonymous]

Hey all, 
 

I am mid-hold from my most recent reduction with Celexa. Over the past month I've tapered from 5 to 2.5mg, and though my psychiatrist swears anything below 10mg is sub-therapeutic and cannot be felt, I feel the difference immensely. I am incredibly irritated in a very physical way. In the past week I cannot stand being touched, I feel cold and hot, and I have chills and goosebumps for no reason. 

My RLS has come back with a vengeance and I'm not sleeping well. I would like to use a magnesium spray to hopefully calm down my nerves I have but I have heard it is contraindicated with Gabapentin. My legs are sore and my knees hurt from unintentionally hyperextending my legs over and over. 

I would just like to know what is happening to me physiologically because I think it would help me a lot mentally to just become familiar with where this is coming from. Also, if anyone has advice about RLS or overall agitation, I am all ears. 

Cheers

[bheb]

Hey Ottonymous -- very much relate. I've got physical agitation but not quite the contact irritation. That sounds hard; I'm sorry. 

 

Keeping moving helps me and so do hot showers. I use magnesium lotion every night and it seems to have a subtle positive effect. Not sure about contraindication with gabapentin.

 

I can't say much for the actual physiology; hopefully a mod can answer. All I know is that starting stopping and adjusting these meds can really mess things up and our nervous systems are looking for stability. For me, that means holding my drugs and not overexerting myself in exercise or stress. Limiting caffeine and sugar, and so on.

 

Oh and also, I've been told the same thing about "sub therapeutic" or "homeopathic" dose levels. It's no true in my experience -- even if the drug is not "working" like it's supposed to, it can still have negative effects. I'm not sure why any doctor perceives lack of therapeutic effect as harmless -- whether or not a drug is serving its intended purpose is entirely separate from whether it is able to produce side effects. And patients should be the source of knowledge on that issue. If you feel ill from your medication (or medication withdrawal) that should be taken at face value. Anyway, you probably know all that by now.

[Ottonymous]

Hi Bheb- yes, I love hot showers! I love baths, warm blankets, anything warm usually feels good to me but especially water. 

The caffeine and sugar is a good thing to mention, I am really addicted to sugar and crave it incessantly. I am a recovering alcoholic, (2 years sober) and sugar kind of took the place of booze it seems. 

I can't believe how blind and confident some of these doctors can be. As if they know better than we do what we are really experiencing. Anyway, I really appreciate you just responding. Feels good to hear from people who know and understand.

[ChessieCat]

On 3/16/2018 at 5:18 PM, ChessieCat said:

There are many existing topics and discussions on this site.  You can use the site search function on the main page of the site at the top right, or use a search engine and include survivingantidepressants.org in your search string.

 

body-temperature-dysregulation-fever-chills-shivering-too-hot-too-cold

 

akathisia-vs-restlessness-anxiety-agitation

 

non-drug-treatments-for-restless-legs

 

Sleep problems - that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

On 5/4/2016 at 9:32 AM, Altostrata said:

"Therapeutic dose" means absolutely nothing. It's an arbitrary number from the drug companies.

 

[Ottonymous]

(April 1)

Feel pretty mellow today. Ate so much food. Strange to be alone after all the company but it's not bad. Most of the symptoms I have been having feel super transient. Today I felt sensory overload but not as much anger and irritation. Looking forward to doing exercise again. Not much else to report now, thankfully. Happy easter

[Ottonymous]

(April 2)

More nerve weirdness, feels like RLS but in the rest of my body. Only in moments thankfully. Moods are transient and at times intense. Tried tea of astragalus, reishi, lavender with a bit of ashwaganda today. I think ashwaganda was tiring to me. Also didn't sleep well last night. Hopefully better luck now. 

[Ottonymous]

(April 3)

Decided to continue Celexa hold for another week. Intuitively makes sense to me. Enjoying more depth of emotion. Have been eating too much, which happens in waves for me, and could also be PMS. Slept well last night and that made a big difference.

[Ottonymous]

(April 4)

Felt good today. Flare ups of anger and irritation, but overall good. Down to 2/3 cup of coffee a day, starting to switch out for yerba mate. Did hurt my head quite a bit midday. Uncomfortable with how much I'm eating and how I feel and will start eating less and healthier tomorrow. Slept good again! 

[Ottonymous]

(April 5)

Even-keeled again. Drank a full mug of yerba mate and half a cup of coffee which felt really good, less headache pains. Still ate more than I'm comfortable with and really feeling it in my body. Energy is gathering around a change and I'd like for it to be gradual because that way the pendulum doesn't swing out of control as easily. I do feel in a bit of a lull. Perhaps I'm just uninspired in school right now but I am scraping by in all of my classes and doing the least amount of work possible. I am tending to the side of just wanting to relax and take the path of least resistance all the time which has its issues... I will start yoga, running, and a dance class by next week which I think will help stir up some vitality. I can't forget about my basis of recovery while I am coming off these drugs! My support involves a lot of movement and I'm going to get back into the habit to set myself up for success! I also don't feel very social still and am experiencing a little bit of social anxiety/hyper-awareness of self/self consciousness. Starting tomorrow morning I have my first AM Lithium reduction. Took a nice nap today and had a great night sleep last night. Think there's something to this less caffeine thing. 

[Ottonymous]

(April 6)

Things took a strange turn today. I started to feel these hard-to-describe perceptual shifts a couple of days ago but today it is much more extreme. Let me say first that I could only sleep for like 3 hours last night which always has a profound effect on my mental state. I think my nice afternoon nap kind of bit me in the ass. 

Okay, I feel like I am literally reentering my body with this equal-parts awareness/dissociation that is manifesting through somatic obsessions, (something I really struggled with before) and something more psychedelic almost. I am experiencing wave after wave of an out of body sensation, especially when seeing my hands or seeing myself in the mirror which is immediately followed by a spike of what feels like adrenaline. I get goosebumps, feel excited/anxious accompanied by this feeling like the literal floor might not actually be there at all. Please tell me I'm not the only one here, it feels wild 

It feels like I constantly have company almost. The perceptual shifts are hard to explain but it's kinda changing the viewpoint in racing video games like Mario Kart. With a press of a button you can shift viewpoint from driver to viewer of car driving... yeah. 

The past couple of days I have felt some thoughts crop up about toes twisting, twitching, teeth inverting, nails inverting and going into the nailbed, biting on metal and other things that make me physically so uncomfortable to think about I have to readjust my body different ways to rid of it temporarily. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but I have really struggled with these feelings in the past, to the point of taping my toes together and self medicating etc. 

In all honesty it scares me and I've been having a lot of anxiety about all of this tonight. Even though I know absolutely that this is my body, I don't know how much good that does me if I can't always feel it. But thankfully(?) I have experience with these kinds of feelings so I can withstand a lot. Also feeling incredible coldness of the extremities, especially the feet. 

Whew! Well, that's where I'm at. 

[ChessieCat]

Don't know if you have seen this topic or if it the same as you are describing:  derealization-or-depersonalization

 

body-temperature-dysregulation-fever-chills-shivering-too-hot-too-cold

 

[Ottonymous]

(April 7)

Today was much better. Slept for 8 solid hours and walked outside by the river with a good friend for 2 hours. Walking feels like a very natural kind of movement for me right now, easing back into dance and yoga. Went to my grandma's birthday party which was full of food and family. It was mostly enjoyable though I chose to stay in areas with the least amount of people because I felt incredible overwhelmed by all of the stimuli. 

Less caffeine has been great, I notice that half a cup of coffee+a cup of green tea feels nice. 
Magnesium also helps me a lot at night. 
Tomorrow I plan to really take care of myself, whatever that looks like. 

[Ottonymous]

(April 8)

Had a good sleep. Went to dance today which was beautiful. Fell into a trance for several songs and reconnected with my body which felt incredible. Had a very salient moment during a song that I was unengaged with that I could CHOOSE to work with it and let it move through me and change my experience. Simple but profound. Worked on projects on and off throughout the day. Essentially came out to my grandma in a discussion about church days. I felt calm and confident and good about it, though I have the feeling that she is praying for me now. Which maybe is great! Maybe I could use a prayer or two. Tomorrow is last day with Celexa. Had a moment of really wanting to smoke marijuana today just to feel something different but chose not to. Cleaned my parents kitchen while they were on a trip just to do it. 

Feeling good. 

[Ottonymous]

(April 9)

Day was good. Spent time with a great friend and had important conversations. I have been amazed by how my feelings have blossomed in strange ways. This morning on my way to school I was moved to tears, body covered in goosebumps by a song that I have never even remotely liked. Sometimes practicing dance does that for me too, the meaning of everything is more easily extracted and felt. 

Just a few minutes ago I started experiencing some dizziness and nausea. Feeling good about my ability to manage anxiety and stay grounded through it. 

Officially off Celexa. 

[Ottonymous]

(April 10)

Getting used to not drinking coffee. Having personal insights about music, passion, etc. Feeling more creative these days but prolonged attention is suffering. 

[Ottonymous]

Feeling needy in my relationship. Really craving connection and physical intimacy. Weepy. Somewhat afraid of the gravity of emotions when it comes to love. Having the feeling of wanting to be someone "worth" loving

[Ottonymous]

Had anxiety that felt like it was building toward a panic attack today at a big gathering. I could distract myself from losing control but I'm finding myself wondering when to accept and when to let go of things often. Should I accept that I am having anxiety and might have a panic attack or do my best to relax and try to let it leave me? Hard to say. Have a headache. Danced with family today which was fun. Played guitar the past couple of days. Music makes me feel more right now than it has in the past. 

[Ottonymous]

Hard day. trouble communicating my experience to others = feeling isolated. I did good things for myself today-yoga, dbt group. tried to socialize, got a call from my partner while in car with friend. shut down. couldnt make plans between the two of them, started crying. i don't seem to have a good view of things from up above, cant see the bigger picture. feeling bad about myself. my partner and i are having trouble communicating and i dont know what to do. lots of anxiety. cant seem to remember the point of all of this. 

[Ottonymous]

Hi there,

I am three days completely off Celexa after a pretty gradual, (10-15%) taper. Thus far I am really enjoying a heightened imagination, chills while listening to good music, increased sex drive, and overall increase in the volume of life. HOWEVER. In the past week I have been experiencing what I can only describe as somatic OCD. Right now is centered around my fingernails bending backwards and breaking. I see an incredibly vivid image of it happening, feel it in my mind, (though pretty physically somehow) accompanied by intense discomfort and anxiety, and then I have to touch my middle fingernail to make the feeling temporarily go away. Sometimes I spend an hour absorbed in this cycle, most of the time it is for several minutes throughout the day while driving, in class, trying to sleep etc. 

What is this?? Is this w/d symptoms or an emergence of OCD/anxiety? I have had similar somatic obsessions throughout my whole life and I really don't know what causes this. Coping tips or any info would be greatly appreciated

Otto

[Ottonymous]

(April 13)

Day was better. Took a deep hour long nap midday. Worked in the garden. Unusually high sex drive. Not much to report. Kind of sticking to myself these days. This morning, (April 14) I feel a little lonely. 

[Ottonymous]

(April 15)

 

Made an art installation and danced for two hours. Felt cranky, angry and empty in moments today. Also felt joy and happiness. Have been having interesting flashes of intense dizziness, but only in abrupt moments. Relatively low anxiety. Ate pretty healthy. I love my partner. 

[Ottonymous]

(April 16)

Can't remember, neutral or pleasant. Slept incredibly, had a dream about my mom choosing to jump from a mountain in the clouds. Moments of incredibly poor memory. 

 

(April 17)

Was productive early on in the day. Felt judged by mom for weight, probably a projection. Overall self critical. She was pressing me about what I will do after this part of my education. Feel lack of direction. Existential depressive hours. Hard to think, move, be. Forced myself to bathe, make bed. Going to work on annotated bibliography. Have been dehydrated and eating so excessively. Going to drink a gallon of water throughout 24 hr fast. 3:30pm to 3:30pm. Need a restart. 

[Ottonymous]

(April 18)

Felt a little blah. Met with a friend for their birthday. Felt socially awkward. Got into fight with partner about medication choices that is really challenging and ongoing. Not sure what I am feeling. Fasted for 19 hours. 

(April 19)

Group today began to help put words to emotions. I plan on meditating and actually writing everything out. I am having a strong reaction to my conversations with s/o and feel very angry. We have not talked yet today and the sun is setting soon. I feel judged, like a burden, trapped, unheard, frustrated, unyielding, angry, and increasingly confused. I can't seem to have a hard conversation with her without completely forgetting what I'm thinking, dissociating, and losing track of the point. I don't know the point right now, at all. Hoping to have a calm, honest, open, useful conversation tonight. Fasted for 19 hours, trying loose intermittent fasting based on positive results in the past. Really in the thick of it with school and just started some projects at home. Need to stay focused. Less anxiety than before. Feel like reality and perception are swinging all over the place. 

[MiguelFreeman]

On 13/04/2018 at 6:12 AM, Ottonymous said:

Hi there,

I am three days completely off Celexa after a pretty gradual, (10-15%) taper. Thus far I am really enjoying a heightened imagination, chills while listening to good music, increased sex drive, and overall increase in the volume of life. HOWEVER. In the past week I have been experiencing what I can only describe as somatic OCD. Right now is centered around my fingernails bending backwards and breaking. I see an incredibly vivid image of it happening, feel it in my mind, (though pretty physically somehow) accompanied by intense discomfort and anxiety, and then I have to touch my middle fingernail to make the feeling temporarily go away. Sometimes I spend an hour absorbed in this cycle, most of the time it is for several minutes throughout the day while driving, in class, trying to sleep etc. 

What is this?? Is this w/d symptoms or an emergence of OCD/anxiety? I have had similar somatic obsessions throughout my whole life and I really don't know what causes this. Coping tips or any info would be greatly appreciated

Otto

Don't worry I had OCD like symptoms after CT Lexapro and it took 3 months or more but it eventually stopped but OCD is scary I never had it and its scary content shut up about withdrawals I was even scared 

but eventually it stops 

[Altostrata]

On 4/6/2018 at 9:42 PM, Ottonymous said:

The past couple of days I have felt some thoughts crop up about toes twisting, twitching, teeth inverting, nails inverting and going into the nailbed, biting on metal and other things that make me physically so uncomfortable to think about I have to readjust my body different ways to rid of it temporarily. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but I have really struggled with these feelings in the past, to the point of taping my toes together and self medicating etc. 

 

On 4/12/2018 at 10:12 PM, Ottonymous said:

I have had similar somatic obsessions throughout my whole life and I really don't know what causes this. Coping tips or any info would be greatly appreciated

 

Hello, Ottonymous, I merged your recent posts here. It's important to see your earlier comments ^ about your unusual fantasies.

 

It sounds like you have a variant of health anxiety, also fear for physical safety. You might try cognitive behavior therapy for the intrusive thoughts and talking therapy for your irrational fears, which are probably grounded in your early experiences.

 

Going off psychiatric drugs can make one more prone to doomy thoughts and fears. You came off Celexa faster than we recommend. It also looks like you have been tapering more than one drug at a time. DO NOT DO THIS!! We won't know where withdrawal symptoms are coming from.

 

STOP CHANGING YOUR DRUG DOSAGES RIGHT NOW. It sounds like you are on the edge of odd behavior. If you have been prescribed any of the drugs for "psychotic" symptoms and you start to behave oddly, you will be heavily re-medicated.

 

I also strongly recommend meditation to keep you calm and grounded. You sound like a highly sensitive and perhaps self-destructively impulsive person. You will need to manage these impulses to stay out of the psychiatric drug loop.

 

How is your sleep now? Are you experiencing an unusual amount of energy? Do you have any other withdrawal symptoms?