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serrj
Posted (edited)

Hello, I'm serrj

 

I'm 35yo ukrainian expat living in Netherlands. 4 years ago I was diagnosed with  depression, anxiety and hypochondria. Things wend bad very rapidly, during few months I was turned from a normal healthy men to a miserable clot of nerves with no ability to eat, sleep, work, and live. Stupid Dutch healthcare system threw me from one GP to another with no help. The only medicine I was prescribed was Oxazepam during the day and Temazepam for sleep at night.

 

Non of them helped me with depression, so after a months of struggling I ended up at specialist in special clinic for mental disorders. This is where my Paxil road begins. I started with 40 mg/day, though doctor insisted I need 60. It started to work almost immediately: most symptoms went away in weeks, I tappered from benzos and I felt totally "cured" after around 3 month. There were side effects as well, but I could live with that.

 

In june 2015 I made a first attempt to tapper. At dosage ~5mg/day I started to have severe heart arrhythmia, I even ended up in ER once. So I returned to 20mg and stayed on this dosage until beginning of 2017. During  whole 2017 I gradually reduced dosage by 5mg: 20,15,10,5,2.5.. I've been on 2.5 mg/day for few month now and last week decided it is time to stop. So 20 of March 2018 for my last intake. 

 

Surprisingly, I felt totally fine 6 days after, which made me confident that there will be no withdrawals at all. I was so naive. It hitted me on day 7:  mood swing, anxiety, confusion, lost of appetite, stomach and chest pain. Last night I didnt sleep at all, despite all effort and right now I feel myself just horrible. The worst nightmare, hell on earth. Totally depressed, pain in whole body, anxiety, fear, you name it. And and have a full-time job that I can easily lose if it will continue like this. This morning I even had suicidal thoughts. I'm desperate

 

 Should I return to last working dosage? (2.5mg/day) Or is it too late?

 

 

And sorry about my English, I'm not native speaker and obviously cannot concentrate now..

 

Edited by ChessieCat
Added some paragraphs and spacing

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Altostrata

Welcome, serrj.

 

Yes, if I were you, I'd take 2.5mg Paxil immediately, at the same time each day. Don't skip any doses. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

Paxil is very difficult to quit. Please read Tips for tapering off Paxil (paroxetine)

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serrj
On 3/31/2018 at 1:52 AM, Altostrata said:

Welcome, serrj.

 

Yes, if I were you, I'd take 2.5mg Paxil immediately, at the same time each day. Don't skip any doses. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

Paxil is very difficult to quit. Please read Tips for tapering off Paxil (paroxetine)

 

Thank you Altostrata for your advice. The day I wrote my first post I managed to fall asleep and slept whole night with no major issues. I was hesitating to return to medication and decided to see how things will go. Last night I had again severe insomnia. Despite the fact that I spent most of the day outside with friends, walking around the great city of Utrecht, I felt no tiredness or sleepiness at all. Although most of the day I had light headache, clogged brain feeling and problem with concentration.

Later in the night, while I was struggling to fall asleep, new symptom appeared: mania. Intense, unbearable mania to the point of aggression. I was shivering, shaking, changing beds, walking from room to room with no reason. I couldn't not stand this any longer and took 10mg Oxazepam. At around 5:00am I fall asleep and slept ~4.5 hours, until 9.30am. After I woke up I experienced same withdrawal symptoms as 2 days ago: several anxiety, shivering, cold, very dark and scary thoughts. And for the first time - cardiac arrhythmia (rapid heart rate shift from normal 70-80bpm to ~170bpm).  So I took 5mg Paroxetine + 5mg Oxazepam. This was 5 hours ago. Right now I feel much better. I don't know is it paroxetine kicks in  or mania returning. Still light shivering, a bit confusing mind and dark thougts.    I feel sad that I didn't managed to withstand withdrawals and was forced to return to Paroxetine after 12 days. I hope I didn't damaged anything in my brain during this time and everything will go back. 

Is there anybody who faced same withdrawals? How did you cope with them? Did you reinstate?

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serrj

One thing remains stable last days: I feel like a sh*t on mornings and sort of "normal" at evenings. 

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serrj

insomnia getting worse :(

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serrj

Guys I'm scared. I think my paxil withdrawal induced bipolar disorder!!  I have crazy mood swings during the day. Today I experienced severe depression followed by rapid switch to good mood at around 4pm. Currently my mood is a bit elevated and mind is confused. I feel good, but cannot concentrate. Will it go away? Should I stop with reinstating? Please help!! :(

Just 2 weeks ago, while I still was on meds I was normal and stable. Now I feel like my life is ruining every hour. 

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Altostrata
On 4/1/2018 at 9:43 AM, serrj said:

So I took 5mg Paroxetine + 5mg Oxazepam.

 

5mg paroxetine might be too much for you. If I were you, I would take 2.5mg paroxetine at the same time each day. It will take 4 days to reach full strength in your bloodstream. After giving it a chance for a week or more, you might want to increase it.

 

You are experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms, which typically come in waves, while the reinstatement takes effect. You probably will continue to experience waves of symptoms for some time, possibly weeks or months. Your nervous system has had a big jolt.

 

How often have you been taking oxazepam? If you take it regularly, it can cause problems.

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serrj
18 hours ago, Altostrata said:

How often have you been taking oxazepam? If you take it regularly, it can cause problems.

 

I didn't take oxazepam for 3 years. I have some spares from that times, which I started to take just recently, when withdrawals emerged. I took 3-4 pills so far, not that much I assume.

 

Today I visited my GP. He put me on a waiting list to mental illness clinic (waiting time ~4 weeks) and advised to continue Paroxetine 10mg/day for 2 weeks and then increase to 20mg/day if needed.

 

My progress so far: insomnia still severe. last night managed to sleep only 3 hours after 2x10mg oxazepam. I had very annoying and distracting palpitations and elevated HR. 

 This morning didn'd triggered depression though, I have a clear crisp mind (which worries me, as I afraid it could be SSRI withdrawal-induced mania). My body is tense and a bit shaking and I feel mild anxiety. Zero appetite and no feeling of sleepiness/tiredness. Feel myself rather good, but will it last longer? Looking forward for improvement, will keep updated

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Altostrata

Very typically, doctors try to treat withdrawal by increasing the amount of drugs, which only makes it worse. They also will misdiagnose it as some kind of mental illness.

 

If 5mg paroxetine is too much for you, worse sleeplessness is exactly what we would expect. More paroxetine is not going to make this better.

 

There's a good reason I suggested 2.5mg paroxetine to start. If you have more confidence in your doctor's advice, you don't need peer support here. Good luck.

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serrj

My taper scheme, based on pills orders from my pharmacy..

pax_tapering.png

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ChessieCat

Here are some topics which you might find helpful:

 

I'm going to give you lots of links to check out.  Please don't feel overwhelmed, just work your way through them one at a time as you feel able.

 

SA recommends tapering by no more than 10% of the previous dose followed by a hold at that dose for about 4 weeks to allow the brain to adapt to not getting as much of the drug.  This is because psychiatric drugs create a physiological dependence, not physical like caffeine or nicotine.

 

Patience is needed to get off these drugs.  We suggest throwing out the calendar and listening to your body and your symptoms.  If after 4 weeks you don't feel stable, are unwell or life circumstances are a bit more stressful than usual (for example the Christmas period, winter time, or job change) it is better to stay at that dose for a bit longer until things settle down.

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen's Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

How do you talk to a doctor about tapering and withdrawal?


What should I expect from my doctor about withdrawal symptoms?

 

Brain Remodelling


Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Keep it Simple, Slow and Stable


Keep Notes on Paper

 

Rate Symptoms Daily to Check Patterns and Progress
ÔĽŅÔĽŅ
Tapering Calculator - Online

 

The only supplements which SA recommends are Magnesium and Omega-3 Fish Oil.  Try a small amount one at a time to see how you react.  It is best to make only 1 change at a time.  It is also better not to start taking a complex vitamin because if you experience issues you will not know what exactly is causing it.  B vitamins can be stimulating especially B6.  hypersensitive-to-b-vitamin-or-b-vitamin-complex  If trying anything new, start with a small amount to see how you react and build up to the recommended amount.  

 

Even with a careful and slow taper you will most likely experience times of discomfort.  It is best to learn and use Non-drug techniques to cope

 

There are many existing topics and discussions on this site.  You can use the site search function on the main page of the site at the top right, or use a search engine and include survivingantidepressants.org in your search string.

 

This is your own Intro topic where you can ask questions and journal your progress.  We suggest that members visit each others Intro topics so that can support and encourage each other.

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serrj

Yesterday I had my first window. It hit me out of the blue right after lunch. Everything returned back to normal, mind was so crisp, I was so happy to get a relief. I had a good sleep for the first time!

It lasted until this morning. Physically most side-effects disappeared. No more flu-like shaking and shivering, sensations back to normal.  But mentally I feel so bad. Everything is so dark, I never had such tortures before. God help me..

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serrj
Posted (edited)

Dear Altostrata, friends,

 

Desperately need your advice.. I admit I was desperate and made compulsive decision to reinstate on higher dosage.

I think my brain is messed up now and I'm totally dysfunctional.

 

So this is basically what happened:

- I was on 10mg Paxil since June 2015 till August 2017. So: 2 years, 10mg daily. I always took medicine before go sleep.

- I tapered from 10mg/day to 2.5mg/day in 5-7 months (August 2017 ~ March 2018)

- I stopped to take medication 2 weeks ago (20 of March). You can see my tapering graph few posts earlier.

- First 5 days were totally fine

- On day 6 (30 MArch) first withdrawals symptoms kicked in: shivering, cold, severe insomnia

- On day 12 (1 April) withdrawals was unbearable, experience first manic/depressive episode. Decided to reinstate on 5mg(and later 10mg)/day. I took my first half pill midday.

- Day 13 (2 April): 5mg morning, 5mg evening

- Day 14 (3 April): 5mg morning, 0mg evening

- Day 15 (4 April): 5mg morning, 5mg evening

- Day 16 (today, 5 April): 5 mg morning

 

The symptoms I have now are rather painful and hardly bearable. Most prominent are: rapid cycling from depressive episodes(+moredate agitation and anxiety) to hypomanic episodes and severe insomnia. I never had this before, never!! Now I'm totally off, confused, suicidal, haven't sleep whole night. I'm in  hypomanic episode right now so I can write this post. I took sick leave at my work, but if this will continue I will lose my job completely. I beg you for advice on how I can stabilize now, based on what I've already done. I'm not even looking to weaning off meds now, as there are a lot of life circumstances now that I responsible for. I just want to stabilize and reduce pain.

What I can do at this point? It's do hard to believe I broke my brain so rapidly, just in 2 weeks. I was normal, happy and fully of life. Now I'm anxious, agitated and depress vegetable, lying on the coach wanting to die.

 

Edited by ChessieCat
reworded obscenity

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serrj

If I understand correct,  Paroxetine does not work immediately, because it needs time (7-14 days) to accumulate certain steady level in plasma.

 Is it possible, that my mood fluctuations are because paxil concentration haven't reach certain level  yet?

 

Otherwise I'm very scary that  I'm victim of https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16923658

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ChessieCat

It takes about 4 days for a dose change to get to a steady level in the blood and a bit longer for it to register in the brain.  If you have been taking different dose amounts on different days, that is similar to skipping days and it is like playing ping pong (table tennis) with your brain.  Your brain likes consistency.

 

Skipping Days vs Every Day Dosing GraphÔĽŅ

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serrj

Update: things getting worse.

 

I still don't sleep (max 1-2 hours per night), my mood swings during the day (morning depression, afternoon - mania). This morning I discovered another thing that upset me further:  ED. Despite all my effort to bring him alive. This made me more anxious and depressed. I felt severe grief and sorrow. How STUPID was I am to did what I did. And there's no way back, to that beautiful evening of 20th of March 2018, when I intentionally (or not) forgot to take my pill and begun my withdrawal journey. 

 

Now here I am, at my 35, sexually dysfunctional, depressed/manic, miserable, with confused and clogged mind. We build grandiose plans with my wife, we've seen a future.  Not, at one click, everything is gone  and vanished.  I'm not a healthy competitive human anymore.

 

But there is a small hope. I have to be strong to go through this hell. God help me..

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serrj

Hello everybody. I hope somebody read this.. Anyway, my progress so far.

 

major symptoms:

  • activation syndrome: restlessness, agitation, akathisia. could run or walk kilometers with no feeling being tired.¬†
  • severe insomnia. cannot fall asleep. cannot maintain sleep.¬†
  • anxiety-like ache¬†in whole body. could be fibromyalgia. change of sensations.
  • brain fog. confusion. hard to concentrate and remember things
  • persistent suicidal thoughts and plans, especially early in the morning.¬†

mild symptoms:

  • mood fluctuations (not so severe as week ago, but still painful)
  • loss¬†interest to everything (hobby, music, etc)

oddities:

  • most symptoms have circade rhythm:
    • worsen starting from midnight till midday
    • getting better in the evening. have 1-2 hour in the evening when I feel close to "normal"
  • no fear, no anxiety, feel easier¬†to socialize. could be SSRI -induced¬† hypomania.

improved (sort of):

  • appetite and GI tract
  • ED (everything was working this morning, knocking wood)

meds:

  • Paxil 5mg/day
  • Temazepam 5mg PRN (gives 1-2hours sleep)

supplements:

  • Omega 3 complex + vitamines
  • Magnesium citrate
  • Valeriana (no effect)
  • Melatonin (no effect)

 

Any reasonable advice how to improve my situation will be highly appreciated.

Just 3 weeks ago I was normal person, full of life, with hobbies, interests and plans. How can I return to that state now? :( 

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serrj

My suicidal ideation is at max now. I have not felt anything like this in my life. I dont know how long I can tolerate this and I dont know what to do. I feel myself activated, restless, impulsive and severe depresses at the same time. 

 

PAXIL RUINED MY LIFE

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Altostrata

Are your symptoms better or worse after you take 5mg Paxil? How often do you take 5mg temazepam? How long have you been taking it? What is your sleep pattern?

 

Please keep daily notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages.

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serrj
1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Are your symptoms better or worse after you take 5mg Paxil? How often do you take 5mg temazepam? How long have you been taking it? What is your sleep pattern?

 

Please keep daily notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages.

 

Reinstating to 5mg weaned off some symptoms (feeling cold, shivering, palpitations, appetite loss),  left intact some others (severe insomnia) and introduced new ones ("activation syndrome", rapid mood switch). I described more detailed here. I'd say symptoms worse.
 

I take 5mg temazepam at around 2-3am after few desperate and unsuccessful attempts to fall asleep naturally (using valeriana and melatonin, helped me in past). I take it few days only, I haven't used benzos more than 3 years.

As I said I just cannot fall asleep naturally. I just do not want to sleep. At all.  I want to walk, clean, move, whatever, but no sleep. And I feel no tiredness. Also I have no panic or anxiety when go to bed. Reading book don't help either (helped me before). 5mg temazepam gives me 1-2 hours sleep, then I wake up all sweat and elevated HR.

 

I do take records. But my hope and determination fade with each passing day. Most horrible are the mornings. This is when I'm on the edge. Then struggle through the day in mixed states (activated, awaken, agitated, in pain,  confused, depressed, hopeless). Then 2-3 hours relief in the evening (as I write this). Is it a pattern of bipolar disorder? What I'm going through?

 

I wonder if my symptoms unique or are there other members who experienced the same? I'd like to have more feedback from other members as well....

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megamind

Hi, you are not alone. I also feel bad at mornings. Something I do is to lay down on the floor and try to calm and I am listening Deluxe Lounge TV (if you don't have it, try to find on you tube).

Another thing is that you need to keep your mind busy, I am playing with LEGO try it. Another thing is to watch 24 kitchen and try to cook something. (don't play with knifes if you are feeling suicidal).

Joker: you are in the country of marijuana, maybe you can try some mild cookies?

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Altostrata
2 hours ago, serrj said:

 

Reinstating to 5mg weaned off some symptoms (feeling cold, shivering, palpitations, appetite loss),  left intact some others (severe insomnia) and introduced new ones ("activation syndrome", rapid mood switch). I described more detailed here. I'd say symptoms worse.
 

I take 5mg temazepam at around 2-3am after few desperate and unsuccessful attempts to fall asleep naturally (using valeriana and melatonin, helped me in past). I take it few days only, I haven't used benzos more than 3 years.

As I said I just cannot fall asleep naturally. I just do not want to sleep. At all.  I want to walk, clean, move, whatever, but no sleep. And I feel no tiredness. Also I have no panic or anxiety when go to bed. Reading book don't help either (helped me before). 5mg temazepam gives me 1-2 hours sleep, then I wake up all sweat and elevated HR.

 

I do take records. But my hope and determination fade with each passing day. Most horrible are the mornings. This is when I'm on the edge. Then struggle through the day in mixed states (activated, awaken, agitated, in pain,  confused, depressed, hopeless). Then 2-3 hours relief in the evening (as I write this). Is it a pattern of bipolar disorder? What I'm going through?

 

I wonder if my symptoms unique or are there other members who experienced the same? I'd like to have more feedback from other members as well....

5

 

I need to know what time of day you take your drugs, and what times of day do you get various symptoms.

 

Have you only taken temazepam 3 times?

 

"5mg temazepam gives me 1-2 hours sleep, then I wake up all sweat and elevated HR" <---- This sounds like a paradoxical reaction to temazepam, you are taking too high a dosage.

 

What do you mean by "activation syndrome"?

 

We do not recommend experimenting with marijuana, the effects are unpredictable.

 

 

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megamind
9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

I need to know what time of day you take your drugs, and what times of day do you get various symptoms.

 

Have you only taken temazepam 3 times?

 

"5mg temazepam gives me 1-2 hours sleep, then I wake up all sweat and elevated HR" <---- This sounds like a paradoxical reaction to temazepam, you are taking too high a dosage.

 

What do you mean by "activation syndrome"?

 

We do not recommend experimenting with marijuana, the effects are unpredictable.

 

 

 

Sorry my mistake for suggesting marijuana.

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serrj
12 hours ago, megamind said:

Hi, you are not alone. I also feel bad at mornings. Something I do is to lay down on the floor and try to calm and I am listening Deluxe Lounge TV (if you don't have it, try to find on you tube).

Another thing is that you need to keep your mind busy, I am playing with LEGO try it. Another thing is to watch 24 kitchen and try to cook something. (don't play with knifes if you are feeling suicidal).

Thank you, megamind. Knowing that you're not alone gives me some relief. I definitely have to try some techniques to cope with morning rage and anxiety. The problem is that when I'm bad everything irritates me. 

 

12 hours ago, megamind said:

Joker: you are in the country of marijuana, maybe you can try some mild cookies?

I need to make some research on this subject. Long time ago, before meds, I had bad reaction on smoking weed (panic attacks and paranoia).

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serrj
10 hours ago, Altostrata said:

I need to know what time of day you take your drugs, and what times of day do you get various symptoms.

 

I take 5mg Paxil every evening around 9pm. This was my typical schedule for last 3 years. I take 5mg Temazepam at 2am~3am.

Morning till noon: anxiety, anger, irritability, panic, mild-to-severe depression, anhedonia, brain fog.
Noon, sometimes after lunch: something "clicks" inside my head and suddenly anxiety and brain fog goes away. This can last from few minutes to few hours.
Noon till evening: mixed states of hypo-mania, sadness, depression, restlessness, agitation.

Most evenings (8pm ~ 11pm): mostly symptoms free, feel much peaceful, suddenly remember about my hobbies, etc., feeling that I'm almost healthy and fine.

Late evening and through the night: anxiety and unpleasant "itching" feeling inside my body kicks in and then I cannot relax to fall asleep. I feel that this is something out of my control

 

What also worries me that withdrawals changed my personality. When I was on meds I was constantly sleepy, unmotivated and had mild-to-severe OCD to my hobbies and even work. I hated socialization and going out.

Now I'm FULLY opposite: constantly restless, agitated, no OCDs, no hobbies or interests. But I'm easy going and highly socialized. Mixed with other symptoms I listed above make me think I'm going crazy.

 

11 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Have you only taken temazepam 3 times?

 

I use Oxazepam OR Temazepam 5mg for last 2 weeks (since my insomnia started) ONLY at night and only once. 

 

11 hours ago, Altostrata said:

"5mg temazepam gives me 1-2 hours sleep, then I wake up all sweat and elevated HR" <---- This sounds like a paradoxical reaction to temazepam, you are taking too high a dosage.

 

If I take smaller dosage I cannot fall asleep.  I experimented to find smallest dosage.

 

11 hours ago, Altostrata said:

What do you mean by "activation syndrome"?

 

This is my leading symptom since withdrawal and reinstating. I would describe it as hypomania but without euphoria, happiness or elevated self-esteem. It's like I'm electric bulb and somebody just switched me on. It's a constant feeling of anxiety, agitation, insomnia. I don't feel tired no mater what I do. I don't want to sleep even if I haven't slept whole night. Here is wikipedia article about this.

 

11 hours ago, Altostrata said:

We do not recommend experimenting with marijuana, the effects are unpredictable.

 

What about CBD oil? Can it be used for calming?

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jolena

Please Serrj, hang in there. I think it is time to visit your doctor and talk about your symptoms. If you have become bipolar you need other medication. My son was on antidepressants until he was hypercycling a few times a day. He had on advice from his doctor get off his anti depression meds and onto mood stabilizers. He had a very hard three weeks and now he is almost fully stable and able to pick up his study.

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serrj
54 minutes ago, jolena said:

Please Serrj, hang in there. I think it is time to visit your doctor and talk about your symptoms. If you have become bipolar you need other medication. My son was on antidepressants until he was hypercycling a few times a day. He had on advice from his doctor get off his anti depression meds and onto mood stabilizers. He had a very hard three weeks and now he is almost fully stable and able to pick up his study.

 

jolena, my GP advised me to up my dosage.. and I don't have access to psychiatrist, its a long process with long waiting lists:(

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serrj

acute insomnia drives me crazy. I just cannot fall asleep. at. all.

and I'm too scared introducing new drugs/medicines

 

any advice?

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serrj
On 4/15/2018 at 11:27 AM, serrj said:
On 4/14/2018 at 11:53 PM, Altostrata said:

What do you mean by "activation syndrome"?

 

This is my leading symptom since withdrawal and reinstating. I would describe it as hypomania but without euphoria, happiness or elevated self-esteem. It's like I'm electric bulb and somebody just switched me on. It's a constant feeling of anxiety, agitation, insomnia. I don't feel tired no mater what I do. I don't want to sleep even if I haven't slept whole night. Here is wikipedia article about this.

 

I think following applies to my case: 

Antidepressant withdrawal-induced activation (hypomania and mania)

Mania/hypomania associated with withdrawal of antidepressants

Is it possible for SSRI induced hypomania to happen in unipolar depression?

 

Most probably that reinstating just worsen the symptoms (it is well-know that SSRIs can aggravate hypo-/mania state). The question is now what should I do. Is there a chance it will go away, or should I start taper.

I'm on beginning of 3rd week of reinstating and things don't get better. I don't sleep at night and feel over-active during day. I afraid to end-up with some sort of psychosis or full-blown mania. 

What would you advice in my case?

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Altostrata

Yes, that hyper-alertness is a very, very common withdrawal symptom. We deal with it a lot here.

 

Please don't overthink or over-self-diagnose your condition. You have classic withdrawal syndrome.

 

That is why I suggested 2.5mg Paxil, so as not to rile your nervous system up more. If you think that's too much, you can take 1mg. It's important to reinstate immediately.

 

See What is withdrawal syndrome?

 

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Carmie

Hi Serrj,

I saw in another thread that a dr suggested Seroquel for sleep. I just wanted to tell you it is so hard to get off once you’re on it. I’ve been tapering for many years and have many more years to go. Withdrawals have been bad.

 

Take care

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serrj

I'm not getting any better. I'm getting worse.

Right now I have few option: end my suffering (I'm seriously considering this now) or, try medication offered to me by PDoc (up paxil dosage + quetiapine) or go CT. 

But I cannot tolerate this state I'm now any longer.

I have a horrible sleep (strange sensation in whole body, mostly arms and head, hot flashes, sweating, scaring nightmares.). This night I was screaming very loud and scared my wife.

During day I'm cycling from depression with strong suicidal ideations to "sorta normal".  Today my depressive episode lasted about 3 hours and was very severe. I'm writing letters. This is unbearable. I cannot even cry, I have no emotions. I want to cry!!!

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SkyBlue

Serrj, you have certainly been through a lot. From the very beginning to be started on 40mg was quite drastic of your doctor.

 

We are here to support you. At the same time, you've mentioned that you are feeling suicidal, and it is important to figure out some kind of in-persion help and support for this. What that support might look like is different for each person, but here is a place to start: 

 

Please take care.

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serrj
On 4/20/2018 at 7:47 PM, SkyBlue said:

Serrj, you have certainly been through a lot. From the very beginning to be started on 40mg was quite drastic of your doctor.

 

We are here to support you. At the same time, you've mentioned that you are feeling suicidal, and it is important to figure out some kind of in-persion help and support for this. What that support might look like is different for each person, but here is a place to start: 

 

Please take care.

 

Thank you, SkyBlue, for your support. I read the topic and cried whole evening. I don't want my loved ones to suffer, but my life is so miserable now. I'll reach my limits soon.

I have come a long and difficult journey to get what I have now: a beloved wife, a successful career, an opportunity to move to the land of my dreams. I fought for years to get what I have. I can not imagine my life without all these. Losing these achievements is equivalent to death for me. Now one small pill ruined everything. And no one seems to have a clue or advice what to do and how to move further.  

 

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serrj
On 4/18/2018 at 11:45 PM, Carmie said:

Hi Serrj,

I saw in another thread that a dr suggested Seroquel for sleep. I just wanted to tell you it is so hard to get off once you’re on it. I’ve been tapering for many years and have many more years to go. Withdrawals have been bad.

 

Take care

Hi Carmie, I'm aware about dependency issue with Seroquel, but it seems I have no other choice for now. I tried it only once (25mg), It knocked me off immediately, but I was drowsy and brain fogged next day. With benzos I sleep less, but my mind is clearer.

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serrj

Sometimes I have strange quite mild electrical-like "buzzing" feeling around my temples. When it happens I feel like I'm drifting in cognitive fog. I become irritable and aggressive. Then it goes away. Very frustrating. I feel myself like chemically poisoned 24/7. All I want now is a small relief, but it doesn't come.. The only thing that helps a little bit now is hard working and talking with my parents daily (I avoided them for years, when I was normal.) I have very little emotional support from my wife. She is tired and I don't blame her. We sleep in separate rooms now :(

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