Tom37: Lexapro taper

[Tom37]

Thanks guys....,

 

Got through another day at work atlthough was tough to start with it got a lot better as the day went along.

 

The terrible ‘flu like’ feeling that I had yesterday seems to have eased considerably so I’m hoping that means the wave is ending. Think it started on Sunday but I was too stupid to pick up it was starting and just put it down to an off day. This feeling so unwell I get seems to be the hallmark of my waves and usually once it goes in a day of two I’m back to baseline. Kinda feel now like I’m had a bad cold/flu in my body....it’s weird.

 

Crazy thing was I virtually had no aching whatsoever today. My knees may have had a very very minor amount but that could be  non wd as was having it occasionally before wd. I’m hoping the no aching could now translate into an improved baseline for me and stay away....that would be progress.

 

If they do stay away I think it will also show a clear difference now between waves and baseline as baseline gets better waves become more easy to tell. Before every day felt like a wave but I could be totally dreaming though as wd likes to give with one hand but take with the other.

 

Sometimes I wish I could just be put in a coma for about a year until it’s over or feel like just packing up and going to live in the forrest away from everything to suffer on my own so I don’t have to feel the pressure or expectation of being a friend, a partner, a son or an employee. Just be on my own until I heal....in peace.....although not in Minnesota where I hear it was -30c today! 

[DaveB]

3 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

Sometimes I wish I could just be put in a coma for about a year until it’s over or feel like just packing up and going to live in the forrest away from everything to suffer on my own so I don’t have to feel the pressure or expectation of being a friend, a partner, a son or an employee. Just be on my own until I heal....in peace.....although not in Minnesota where I hear it was -30c today! 

 

I know this feeling well, but add husband and father to the list of pressure and expectations. So hard to be a father, breadwinner, and example to your family while going through this. So glad your day got better, mine did too now that it is evening.

[Tom37]

I’m sure bring a parent gives you even more motivation to get through this...so that could be a positive.....as long as you don’t put too much pressure on yourself of feel like a failure as your doing more than most in our situation.

[mdwstrx]

Good news that it got better throughout the day!  I've found that if I make the effort to get going, even when I don't feel it, the momentum seems to carry me through the day.  Knowing that is what keeps me going in the mornings where it can be a struggle.  Just not as bad as it was.  Since I'm retired, live alone, and kids are independent, I've been blessed in someways not to have all the pressure you and others may have.   But, I suspect that pressure keeps you grounded in reality and will see you heal faster because of it.  At least I hope so. 🙂 

 

PS.  While not quite -30c here, I woke to -26c.  It's cold!

[Tom37]

I’ll take -26 at the moment although no central heating on my house so may be a struggle! Very temperate climate where I live so maybe get to -2 overnight in winter but then can be a beautiful sunny day.

 

Anyway, managed about 5.5 to 6 hours last night and even got 4 hours plus before waking so that was good. 

 

Was hoping to feel better this this morning but it just seems symptoms have changed on me....feel bit more ‘shaky’ inside which I hate with a passion. It’s not too bad but enough to be annoying. Different than the wobbly out of sync feeling I was having. Also have a new type of headache that came on yesterday. Only positive is the crippling flu like feeling has gone and the aching hasn’t come back.....yet. Just amazes me how symptoms leave but are just replaced by others. So frustrating.

 

Does make me wonder if I’m actually making any progress at all if symptoms are just replaced?

 

Also yesterday I had either a spasm or twitch in my lower lip on left hand side...you couldn’t see it moving but could definitely feel it. Was so annoying and thought would cause me sleep issues but thankfully it didn’t. Was still there this morning but has now stopped for the last couple hours....crazy how these things start then just stop. Glad it’s gone though and hopefully stays away.

 

Mentally so far ok apart from the initial frustration that I’m not back to normal. I know when I go to sleep that most likely will still feel crap in the morning but when you wake there is always that glimmer of hope which is then always dashed!

[Tom37]

Just a question for any moderators.....I continue to keep getting new symptoms at almost three months out from this crash....is this a normal pattern? And is symptoms going even though they are often replaced a good sign? It seems once set of symptoms will go to be replaced by another.

 

I know now there isn’t anything I can do other than hold and wait to hopefully stabilise but would be good to know that what is happening to me has happened to others and they have gone on to stabilise.

 

Most others I follow seem to have a more constant set of symptoms compared to me while trying to stabilise.

 

 Thanks 

[ChessieCat]

Here's some additional information which might help you to understand what is happening:

 

Recovery isn't linear it happens in a Windows and Waves Pattern

 

Withdrawal Normal Description

When we take a psychiatric drug, we are adding chemical/s to the brain.  The brain then has to change to adapt to getting the chemical/s.  It might have to change something to do with A and then once that change has been made it affects B so another change has to be made and so on down the line.  It is a chain reaction, a domino effect.

 

The same thing happens when we take the drug away.  That's why it's possible to experience such a vast array of withdrawal symptoms, and they can change, and be of different intensity. 

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen's WD Symptoms Checklist

 

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

These explain it really well:

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

On 8/31/2011 at 5:28 AM, Rhiannon said:

When we stop taking the drug, we have a brain that has designed itself so that it works in the presence of the drug; now it can't work properly without the drug because it's designed itself so that the drug is part of its chemistry and structure. It's like a plant that has grown on a trellis; you can't just yank out the trellis and expect the plant to be okay. When the drug is removed, the remodeling process has to take place in reverse. SO--it's not a matter of just getting the drug out of your system and moving on. If it were that simple, none of us would be here. It's a matter of, as I describe it, having to grow a new brain. I believe this growing-a-new-brain happens throughout the taper process if the taper is slow enough. (If it's too fast, then there's not a lot of time for actually rebalancing things, and basically the brain is just pedaling fast trying to keep us alive.) It also continues to happen, probably for longer than the symptoms actually last, throughout the time of recovery after we are completely off the drug, which is why recovery takes so long.

 

AND

 

On 12/4/2015 at 2:41 AM, apace41 said:

Basically- you have a building where the MAJOR steel structures are trying to be rebuilt at different times - ALL while people are coming and going in the building and attempting to work.

It would be like if the World Trade Center Towers hadn't completely fallen - but had crumbled inside in different places.. Imagine if you were trying to rebuild the tower - WHILE people were coming and going and trying to work in the building!  You'd have to set up a temporary elevator - but when you needed to fix part of that area, you'd have to tear down that elevator and set up a temporary elevator somewhere else. And so on. You'd have to build, work around, then tear down, then build again, then work around, then build... ALL while people are coming and going, ALL while the furniture is being replaced, ALL while the walls are getting repainted... ALL while life is going on INSIDE the building. No doubt it would be chaotic. That is EXACTLY what is happening with windows and waves.  The windows are where the body has "got it right" for a day or so - but then the building shifts and the brain works on something else - and it's chaos again while another temporary pathway is set up to reroute function until repairs are made.  

 

[Tom37]

Thanks Chessie....was just more hoping that there have been others that have tracked like me symptom wise (new symptoms all the time) and stillgot better....that I’m not a lost cause.

 

Will re read those links later on.

 

Cheers

[eymen23]

Hi Tom,

 

I definitely don’t think you’re a lost cause. This is a difficult process for sure, but you’re coping a lot better than you might think. I know that I draw a lot of inspiration out of following your posts here, and although you’re still struggling with symptoms, you’re having good days and hours mixed in. 

 

It’s true that there is no certainty, but it’s fair to say that many people get through this process. You seem to have responded well to the partial reinstatement and hold period, so I think you’ve got plenty to be hopeful for. 

[withhopeinmyheart]

Hi Tom, 

 

since reinstating I experienced lots of symptoms and they keep changing. There are the ones that stay during all of this and then there's all the changes.

 

I like to think that there's a lot of work towards healing/stabilizing going on.  

 

I am getting better in tiny steps. We all are. It's just not as fast as we would need it. 

[nick1990]

When I crashed a few years ago my symptoms changed all the time . There was no pattern for months and months . Then one day a pattern emerged, it was subtle but I could notice it. Then symptoms changed again but then it started another pattern , all whilst symptoms lessening in intensity until I stabilised - you’ll get there . 

[Tom37]

Thanks everyone.

 

Apologies for the lost cause comment which was out of frustration and not actually meant. I’m sure everyone that goes through this either fully recovers or very very close to it. Time it seems is the only uncertain part.

 

Good to know it is common to have symptoms constantly changing. Just so frustrating when a symptom you would love to leave finally does only to be replaced or to come back in another form.

 

Back to work it is.

 

Cheers

 

 

[Gridley]

1 hour ago, Tom37 said:

Just so frustrating when a symptom you would love to leave finally does only to be replaced or to come back in another form.

 

I have had this happen many times.

[Tom37]

Work day done.....

 

A mixed day, mentally was actually quite good felt like myself for most of it.....just a few catastrophising thoughts about the future and what symptoms may come next.

 

Physically was average, had the annoying internal shaking a bit this morning which eased then just felt a bit rubbish, then knees started to ache a bit but in a new way (easily tolerable) but all day have had a horrible head that I will be more than happy to see the back off. It started yesterday so should have expected it. Not a proper headache as such but a typical horrible wd head. The twitching lip did make a come back for an hour or so but has since gone. I know that’s a very minor and insignificant symptom but bloody annoying. 

 

Did make myself go for a walk after work alongside the ocean. There were a few attractive ladies sunning themselves which is always a bonus. At least now I can take an interest as when I first crashed I had absolutely no interest in anything to do with sex or the opposite sex at all. In fact for about 7 days I was completely numb down there - absolutely dead physically and also mentally. Thank god that rectified itself and is basically back to normal although feeling so rubbish most of the time it’s not high on the list of priorities which doesn’t make it easy on my partner. Can definitely sympathise with anyone suffering or who has suffered with pssd. You don’t realise how much your sexuality means until you can’t function at all.

 

So I guess another day down so another day closer to getting back to my preferred carefree existence where my biggest stress in life was what I was having for dinner.....hopefully get back to that someday.

 

 

 

 

[Tom37]

Bit of a poor night....always go to sleep quite easily but woke after about 3.5 hours then think I went back to sleep for an hour but sometimes hard to tell. Was a hot night and had window open but stupid bug was buzzing around my head which was more than annoying....but needed the window open for the heat.

 

Have a horrible restlessness feeling this morning which was a horrible way to start the day....definitely not Akathisia but not pleasant....if it’s not one thing it’s another. Would give everything I own to feel normal again in the mornings....can tolerate the symptoms during the day but the mornings just ruin everything.

 

Tough start mentally as totally had enough of this plus had enough of the heat and just need a mental break from it all as it’s unrelenting especially this week. Was feeling like tonight could be a benzo night to give me a break and a good night to try to recharge me. Haven’t taken one for almost 6 weeks and don’t want to but need a rest. Will see how the day goes.

 

Dont even think I’m in a wave...just think it’s my normal with symptoms chopping and changing everyday with occasionally getting a few days staying the same. 

 

Still on the treadmill going no where until the wd gods decide I’m allowed off.

 

 

[Tom37]

Well the day has definitely not got any easier....toughest day in a long while....digging deep to get through it....can only do my best.

[mdwstrx]

Sorry that's it another tough one.   Lack of sleep is no help.  Remember though, Benzos apparently have rebound anxiety. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, ...should try the fish oil for sleeping through the night (if you haven't) before the benzo.  It definitely helped me to sleep through the night and take away some of the restlessness during the day if I take one.  

 

It's warming up here thankfully.  From -26c yesterday to 15c forecast for Tuesday.  🤷‍♀️ 

[Tom37]

Started feeling bit like this on Wednesday after the ‘flu like day’ on Tuesday but never had it before so didn’t expect it to nail me like it has. Hopefully today is the ‘peak’ of it then starts to ease up.

 

Just have to remind myself that have to go through the bad times to get to the good ones when going through this.....as long as recovery is possible then have to keep going....it’s just when you start doubting that recovery happens.

[Blondiee1915]

Hi Tom,

 

A fellow lexapro user here.  I did not get a chance to read on your whole thread but saw you mentioned flu like symptoms.  I had them in the beginning and they did pass in time.  The feeling is awful and there is no way to deserve it really except for not feeling well being fatigued and achy and heavy.  I don’t recall how long it lasted but eventually it got better 

 

hang in there   

[Tom37]

Thanks Blondiee.....I don’t even know if flu type feeling is a good description but it does just feel like I’m really I’ll.

 

Anyway got through the work day but it was not easy that’s for sure. Had to participate in an hour long strategy meeting this morning and still had the restlessness feeling going so all I wanted to do was to get up and get out of there but couldn’t so wasn’t a pleasurable experience although somehow I think I managed to get through it without making a complete fool out of myself.

 

Also had the boss in town so had to fake it for most of the day that I was ok and of course laugh at his jokes etc all while feeling like I’m dying on the inside. Then had to take him to the airport and got hit with a wave of feeling so horrible that not grimacing in discomfort or pulling over was another huge achievement. Then had to walk up the 50 steps to my house in 34c degree heat which probably set the record for slowest time ever....but I made it.

 

Been an absolute **** of a week this week with wd. Monday was the start of it going bad, Tuesday was plain nasty then Wednesday was bit better but still not good, yesterday was starting to feel like today (but didn’t know it) but with a terrible head that probably takes the title of terrible wd heads so far and then today just finished it off.....yet last Saturday I was feeling significantly better for most of the day. 

 

Has made me a bit scared as to why this is happening as was hoping would be slowly getting better but now feel like going backwards 100 miles an hour. Everyone will just say windows and waves, windows and waves....more like all wave at the moment. If I ever get to met one of the wd gods then they will most definitely been getting a huge kick in the nuts........at a minimum.

 

Do wonder if there is anything I should be doing to help myself heal but I eat as well as I can, only excerise is gentle walking, try to get decent sleep but easier said than done in middle of summer in wd feeling like I do, don’t drink alcohol or take any recreational drugs,  take my 3.80mg Lexparo approx same time every morning which is weighed on a Gemini scale, use coping skills from on here (admittedly acceptance hasn’t come easy) so not much else I can do....other than let time pass.

 

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day especially if this ‘ill’ feeling does one but knowing my wd luck something else will be waiting to replace it. Given up thinking I’m anywhere near stabilising at the moment as clearly a million miles away.....but for now I have hope it will eventually happen and that’s the main thing.

 

Just to note....I know there is plenty (too many) of people suffering a great deal more than I am at the moment. I really do admire your strength and ultimately your determination to get through this no matter what. You are true wd warriors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Tom37]

Bit of a better night as managed about 4.5 hours of sleep without waking. Couldn’t really go back to sleep though as was a very hot night plus not feeling at all good. No benzo either.

 

Seems like it’s going to be another tough day as feeling similar to yesterday so won’t be doing much which will make the day drag. I’m not much of a tv or indoor person at anytime so find it hard to just burn time when not well which then makes me think too much about wd.

 

It’s periods like this when those recovery stories or messages from others who have had to stabilise and got through it mean a lot. 

 

One big positive is it’s only meant to reach 22c degrees today as a southerly change so a cooler night with the same for tomorrow and Monday. 

[Tom37]

End of another day.

 

Symptoms the same as yesterday although not quite as bad although not sure if that was down to not doing much today compared to out and about yesterday. At least didnt have the waves of feeling terrible come over me was more just a constant feeling. Hopefully it may be easing up and will move on to different symptoms soon as these ones are not fun at all.

 

All i really did today was a bit of work at home this morning then went out of a walk for half an hour and to get some lunch then been doing much of nothing this afternoon. Probably go for another walk shortly to get some more fresh air.

 

This stablising is taking so long but it is what it is i guess. Will be three months on Feb 8th and its been a long three months at that. Have i improve since the inital crash? Yes symptoms are no where near as severe but the last 7 weeks have been difficult as no symptom free periods just constant changing of them and their intensity. Yes a few 'better days' here and there but they still werent normal with symptoms still there. Would just be nice to have symptoms leave and not be replaced but seems to be the way it goes which means this brain of mine is still unstable and sorting itself out.

 

Not much i can do other than try to handle the symptoms as best i can (sometimes i fail miserably but im not perfect) and wait and wait and wait and hopefully in another 3 months will have seen some actual progress - or maybe even sooner.

 

Everyone seems to get there eventually so this will be the one time in my life where i will be very happy to be like everyone else!

 

[mdwstrx]

Sounds like you’re feeling a bit better.  Glad to hear. Maybe it means a window is opening for you. 🙏 Getting ready to head to bed so here’s hoping your evening and night are better and you have good sleep. 

[Tom37]

About 5.5 to 6 hours last nigh with waking once. Awesome dream that woke from at the end and for about a minute felt like normal and no wd thoughts then.....back to reality! 

 

Woke to same symptom pattern as last couple of days but hopefully will have eased up some more like yesterday was better than Friday. But I guess it doesn’t really matter as I’m guaranteed to be symptomatic every day for who knows how long....just depends on the intensity.

 

Another day moving towards that elusive ‘stability’ we so desperately want.

[mdwstrx]

I think it's a good sign that you're waking 'normal' at first.  If what I'm going through is a sign, stabilizing is a very gradual lessening of symptoms that I assume will continue to fade as the days go by until one day it will be apparent that IT's not been present lately in any form.  At least that's what I'm hoping for both of us.    

[eymen23]

Tom,

 

I know the constantly changing symptoms and persistence of them is challenging, but there is a lot to be hopeful of. At one stage you were taking 20mg a day of this drug and now you’re taking just 4mg.

 

It’s true, you don’t often feel great, but based on your update, equally you don’t often feel really bad either. Try to be grateful for any improvements and remember that things have been worse. 

 

A lot of work is taking place inside of you. I often think about somebody who has been in a car crash and broken multiple bones and who requires multiple surgeries etc. It’s not an enjoyable process, but it’s a process by which you slowly get better. That’s a blessing in itself, although it doesn’t always feel like it. 

 

Keep up the good work and know that we are all here to support you in any way we can. 

[Tom37]

Thanks guys.....

 

Its the constant changing of symptoms that i struggle but am working on that. I guess it means other parts of the brain/cns are trying to fix itself. 

 

Enjoy rest of your day/night and hopefully not to cold where you are.....a cooler 23c degrees here today so another break from the heat.

 

 

[RachelSusan]

3 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Another day moving towards that elusive ‘stability’ we so desperately want. 

I know it  feels elusive, but you will find it. It is sort of like an action adventure movie. The hero always gets the girl and finds the treasure, but only after many trials and much tribulation.  Everything I hear from you lately sounds very encouraging.

[Tom37]

Thanks Rachel.....actually just came on here to re read one of your messages about how we all to get to stabilise as tough day emotionally today so battling on that front.....it’s definitely wd so just one of those days and as the last two dats have been really good on the emotional front know that this to will pass....happy to have the bad days if I do get the girl in the end!

 

Although I’m very lucky as Ive got the only girl for me at home.

 

Take care.

[Tom37]

Sunday and the week almost over.

 

Physically the same symptoms as last 4 days. Where more stronger today than yesterday but not unbearable. Went for a gentle walk this morning then for a drive and gentle walk out at the beach with my partner. This new set of symptoms are not the easiest I’m had that’s for sure so hopefully not around for long. 

 

Emotionally was a tougher day especially this morning but eased this afternoon. 

 

Would like to think these changing symptoms means the brain is currently working on fixing something then once it’s done on that part it moves on to something else which then creates the different symptoms but that sounds far to simple for it to be correct so who knows what is actually happening.

 

Either way I’m sure there will be something  from wd to kick me in ass the tomorrow morning....hopefully it’s a gentle one.

 

Sometimes I may come across a bit negative but I’m just honest with how I feel and yip working on being more positive and dealing with this in a better way.

 

 

[Tom37]

Another 5.5 or so hours last niguy. Cooler nights definitely helping.

 

Feeling same symptoms since waking as last few days. 

 

Keep thinking about what I would be doing if I was well and what I want to do in the future. I guess you need to keep your dreams alive but makes it harder when you think this will never end so they never will happen so what is the point. 

 

Mornings always the worse as another day to get through then evenings turn to more hope and sense of achievement at getting through the day.....only to wake again in the morning and have to do it all again.

[mdwstrx]

I found getting well wasn't 'just' happening.  I was going to have to fight to be me again.  Think back to how you were before and then try to act as such ignoring, the best you can, the sx that tell you that you can't be who you were.   I know, it's tough because they're so distracting.  You're doing it with work and with your partner and so many other things.  Don't discount that!  It's powerful.

 

I'm getting better because I believe I'm getting better after putting the effort in to refuse to believe the lie that IT would never end and there was no point.  The nurse at the Pdocs office several weeks ago was being kind and said she could see it in my eyes.  She also said I'd get better because I wanted to (and so do/will you!).  Most importantly to me, she pointed to my necklace (cross) and said, "You have the most powerful healer with you."  I couldn't agree more.

 

Praying for us and asking for more faith.  🙏 Believe ❣️ and you will get better.  

 

[Tom37]

Have felt a bit better today which has been good. Emotionally far better...almost back to normal I think so that has made the day significantly easier. Still same physical symptoms as the last 4 days but they have been toned down for the majority of the day.

 

So a better day but that’s all it is nothing to get excited about.

 

 

[Carmie]

Hi Tom, 

 

Glad to hear you’re doing okay and your symptoms have toned down for now. You were saying the other day about new symptoms coming and going. The same thing has happened to me, I’ve had earaches and toothaches, but no infections. I remember too I had a burning mouth for months, but that’s gone too. At the time I didn’t know these were withdrawal symptoms, but since coming on this site I’ve learnt that pretty much every new symptom is withdrawals. Now when I get a new symptom I no longer freak out, my brain just goes: It’s probably withdrawals.😄

 

Take care💚

 

 

 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks Carmie,

 

Ever since I got sick with this I know everything is down to wd so I’ve never stressed or thought it could be something else. It causes so many weird symptoms that no other illness could probably the cause the same symptoms!

 

I dont have health anxiety as such other than a bit about the wd situation and will i stabilise etc but I think that is quite normal for something as ridiculous as this.

 

Take care.

[DaveB]

10 hours ago, Tom37 said:

 

Mornings always the worse as another day to get through then evenings turn to more hope and sense of achievement at getting through the day.....only to wake again in the morning and have to do it all again.

 

I know this feeling all too well! Every evening it is the same, achievement and optimism, only to be crushed by the anxiety the next morning.