Tom37: Lexapro taper

[Tom37]

Thanks mate....have been holding for three months and while have seen improvements I’m still getting hit with periods of bad new symptoms. They always seem to pass but it’s very hard when you have a setback.

 

Glad you have started to see improvement. 

[mdwstrx]

Hi Tom.  Popped in to see how you were doing.  Sorry its a wave again, but the window will open again too and you will feel better.   I was either told or read on here somewhere the windows get longer and the waves shorter and they just eventually fade away.  So hold on...  I know how hard and scary it is.

 

One thing I can share, for what it's worth; 10 years ago, I experienced a situational depression.  I was on Lexapro/escitalopram.  The general practitioner thought it best to try another SSRI and switched to Prozac then to Zoloft and then back to Lexapro/escitalopram - all within a few months.  It was a bad period with a lot of the same symptoms of what I'm going through now. In hindsight, I think that wd was part of the the whole ordeal.  I tell you this because I made a complete recovery within 4-5 months. Those awful days were mostly forgotten and had no impact on life afterwards.  The body/mind is remarkably made.  I believe we will heal and be able to put this behind us.  Have faith and keep a positive attitude as much as possible, although hard to do when we feel like a horse excrement! 🐴 But try and know in time, this too will pass.   

[Tom37]

Thanks so much for your reply.......yeah I read the windows should start to get longer and be better and the waves shorter and not as intense. I think I’m seeing the windows be better but not yet longer. Will wait and see how this wave develops but with me each wave is always different. Hopefully it means the brain is fixing something else that it isn’t happy with. Windows and waves aargh!

 

Sounds like you have been through this before. Probably a lot of people have without even knowing it especially when switching medication. Just a shame the medical community have no idea what these drugs can do.

 

Hope your doing ok.

[Carmie]

Hi Tom, 

 

Yes, getting waves after being in windows is no fun. You’ve been doing really well though by the looks of it. The windows help us to see that we will stabilise. I know three months feels like forever, but as regards withdrawals it’s not a long time. I’ve had to hold that long and longer in the past too. I always eventually stabilised no matter how severe the withdrawal symptoms were. 

 

I don’t know if the weather has been as warm in New Zealand as it has been in Queensland, but if it has, I hope you’re keeping cool. When I’m at home I’m in the bedroom with the aircon all the time. ❄️❄️❄️

 

Take care💚

[Tom37]

Thanks Carmie for stopping by and thanks to everyone who has given me there support today not just in my intro but privately too.

 

Day got a bit better as it went on and I think that was me coming to terms with not been too well again and the feelings that come with going backwards. 

 

Hopefully when this wave is over will see another small improvement in my overall symptoms. Something must be trying to get fixed up in that head of mine.

 

When in a ‘window’ after a day or two I start wishing the next wave would hurry up and come so I can get through this healing process and get the waves out the way and then when it comes I’m hopeless!🤦‍♂️ 

[neroli]

On 2/13/2019 at 8:43 AM, Tom37 said:

Just get scared that this is it in terms of improvement and won’t get any better and if I do get better how will I be mentally post stabilising after going through this.

Hello Tom

 

Being scared that "this is it" is normal.  Today I watched a video of a guy who had been polydrugged, cold turkeyed, swapped around, you name it - and he was saying how much he had improved, life was almost normal after having long tapers.  He also said that he hadn't suffered mentally because of the ordeal, he had forgotten how intense things had been and wasn't traumatised by it.  So there is something positive to hold on to.

 

And somewhere on your thread you mentioned the weather hopefully getting cooler in about three weeks - I'm craving that too!  Metservice gets a lot of visits from me trying to see when the temperature is dropping a few degrees, especially at night so I can get better sleep.  Thankfully over the next week it's looking a little cooler down here in Welly.

 

Keep on, you're doing well.

 

Neroli 💜

[Tom37]

Just to log....better night last night even though hot....got about 5 to 6 hours sleep and no major headaches like the night before....still felt quite unwell this morning like yesterday but dealing with this set back a lot better so far today.

 

If this is a wave (I’m assuming it is) then not as severe as previous ones (so far) as even though feel not well don’t have the terrible flu like feeling that makes everything so hard. 

[DaveB]

 

8 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Just to log....better night last night even though hot....got about 5 to 6 hours sleep and no major headaches like the night before....still felt quite unwell this morning like yesterday but dealing with this set back a lot better so far today.

 

If this is a wave (I’m assuming it is) then not as severe as previous ones (so far) as even though feel not well don’t have the terrible flu like feeling that makes everything so hard. 

 

That is awesome, you have got to be getting close, I would think the ability to still see improvements in a wave has got to be a great sign! Keep going man, you got this!

[Tom37]

Thanks Dave....

 

So got through today fine at work although symptoms still ramped up at the moment compared to how they were until Tuesday night. This wave is definitely different which is the way it seems to go but fingers crossed it doesn’t get any worse and will gradually ease. Seems like my head is more affected this time with bad headaches, then just not feeling ‘normal’ and occasionally like I have had a few beers....first time it’s really felt like that.

 

Emotionally was a far better day and felt like myself for a lot of it. Even did a good deed for the day and took a family who had missed there bus back to their cruise ship at the port....they were very appreciative which made it worth it.

 

Another day towards stabilising.....hopefully.

[RachelSusan]

I like good deeds.  I'm very glad to hear you are doing a bit better. I understand you are still suffering, but not quite as much.  You will do alright with this.

[Tom37]

Bit of an average night last night as wide a wake when went to bed....got about 4 to 5 hours though.

 

Having periods where I have the ‘I’m different than everyone else so I won’t ever stabilise’ thoughts....which often happen when not feeling too good. Try to remind myself that 3 months is not long in terms of stabilising and it can take a lot longer.

 

I just get a bit concerned about the waves that I get with everyone being different and so many new or mophing symptoms as it seems more like an actual classic withdrawal pattern not someone stabilising so makes me think this could be years before I recover instead of months like the majority of people. Others who are stabilising or who have don’t seem to constantly get new changing symptoms like I do.

[Tom37]

Anyway the above was just a log of my thoughts....not asking for any moderator to comment.

 

Time to get up and get moving on this Saturday morning.

[mdwstrx]

I think we're all made pretty much the same; girls/guys not withstanding😊.  So, it stands to reason that you'll stabilize, especially since you're seeing improvements; even though slowly.  I also have the changing symptoms but for now, they're such that I can shrug them off and get on with things.  For ex. - today I've had aching in my arm and chest that I've not really had before.  It's annoying but low level so far (thank the Lord!).  

 

Try to go about your business; as you are, and let this take's its course.  Do what you can, rest when you can't.  Don't beat yourself up but don't give way to fear either.  💪

[RachelSusan]

7 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Others who are stabilising or who have don’t seem to constantly get new changing symptoms like I do.

Ah yeah, we do and I did.  And others have the morphing symptoms all the time.  You are completely normal within the abnormal state of withdrawal. I was trying to be cute there. And it is a very abnormal state which none of us should ever have to go through. Tom you are in good shape for the shape you are in. Again, trying to be cute.  But on a more serious note, it stinks, it's painful, it is torture. Hang in there my buddy.

[Tom37]

Thanks Rachel and Md.....good to know I’m normal in a very un normal experience.

 

Apologies if feels like seeking reassurance  which seems to come when in a wave. 

 

Think I’m doing better at handling them but only human. So far this one isn’t has bad as the previous ones but time will tell. Typically they have a peak and then start to ease. It’s the flu like feeling that is the hardest part as it nails me but definitely not as bad as it has been in earlier waves as managed a couple of gentle walks today when before would have been in bed. Hopefully it’s a wave that leads to baseline improvement.

 

Found a good link on here from the original twin towers post about how the brain heals and the parts of the brain related to the symptoms. Definitely makes it very clear what is happening. The part about old memories coming back and why they do was very interesting as I often get random ones from years and years ago that are like what the heck!....completely come out of nowhere.

 

Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

[Tom37]

This wave has now turned on me to be as bad as ever....no sleep last night, flu like feeling now terrible, throw in going hot and cold, weird anxiety waves in my stomach,, head plus more.....feel to bad to write anything else....praying it eases.

[mdwstrx]

I'm so sorry to hear this.  Praying with you that it is short-lived.  

[Tom37]

Thanks....worst night in a long time....really shaken up by it to be honest. Scared. 

 

Cant believe my life has come to this. Can’t ever imagine this getting better at the moment. Just trying to survive the day.

[jozeff]

Hi Tom,

 

I wish you luck man. Hang in there buddy. When you're surviving the day it's nearly impossible to think we will ever get out of thus mess. Last Monday I thought my last day had come..... Today I've been sitting in the sun and did some stuff in my house. Just very relaxing. 

 

What I mean is that you will be in a window any time soon and this horrible day will be history. Just take it hour by hour. Tomorrow you might very well feel a lot better! Remember that. You tapered just fine but hit a wall. You will absolutely get on the right track again soon.

 

Cheers

Jozeff

 

 

[mdwstrx]

Remember the good days you've had where things were much better.  Those are coming again and are likely right around the corner.  Try to rest and distract yourself.  You have 3 months and several good windows behind you. Those are all very, very positive signs.   💜

 

Like Jozeff, you'll be sitting in the sun again soon!  🌞

 

PS.  for whenever you feel up to reading, here's a good quote from a just posted and upbeat success story.. 

"The only way to get through it, whether you are yourself in withdrawal or are supporting a loved one going through it, is to practice radical acceptance, to let go of ANY expectation of "how long will this take?", to be relentlessly optimistic and trusting of the brain's and the body's abilities to heal, to practice being in the moment, staying present, and not reacting to one's own (or, if you are the carer, the person in withdrawal's) thoughts of fear or hopelessness."

 

 

 

[RachelSusan]

Oh no.  Tell the symptoms that you are stronger and that while they may wear you down you will prevail in the end.  Simultaneously accept them and know that they will pass, no matter how horrific. It is truly a torture, but you will make it. Better days are in store for you. I know it is hard to believe but those better days are coming.

☹️😦

[Tom37]

Thanks guys.....so hard to remember the good days when your feeling really bad. Last night was the perfect storm with anxiety that turned up out of nowhere and would come in waves which left me wondering was it me or wd, flu like symptoms intensified greatly and was waxing and waning all night and when at there worse they can even make me moan and groan, kept feeling cold but also hot, felt sick in my stomach plus head was weird....all put together meant a horrible night. 

 

Do sometimes feel  ‘weak’ for feeling like I do about this and wish I could just brush it off or toughen up but this non linear pattern is so difficult.

[Tom37]

Bit of a question for any moderators or anyone out there,  more out of curiosity so only answer if your not busy.

 

Any idea what the flu like symptoms we get in waves actually mean? It’s mainly just the feeling of being so sick like when you have a nasty viral infection like the flu or like a stomach bug. A lot of the other symptoms seem to be related to certain parts of the brain like increased anxiety or depression but haven’t seen any explanation to this. Wondering what part of me is so out of sync or needs repairs that it constantly causes this.

 

No worries if it’s one of those unknown things about wd.

 

Thanks

[WantoffVen]

Tom, one day I said something to my husband about having not such a good day and he said "but two days ago you told me what a good day you had." I constantly try to remind myself if I'm having a not so good day or part of one to remember the good day. I would be having problems too sleeping in heat. I love my air conditioning in the summer. God bless.

 

[Tom37]

Thanks Ven....yes I try to remember I have good periods but so hard to believe they will happen again when feel so bad. Day has not improved at all....feel too rotten to do anything but doing nothing doesn’t help either. Not even a gentle walk today and cant even watch tv. Longest day ever.

 

At least it’s a cooler day.

[Gracee]

@Tom37, Hi Tom, Forgive me for sounding corny:

 

 I have this monthly calendar I got free from a local business.

It's called my "Feel OK, Feel Good, Feel Great calendar". 

Every day, in the daily date box I  write one thing from the list below:

Feel OK, or

Feel Good ,or

Feel Great or,,,,

or I write nothing at all.

When I have a miserable day like you are having now, and I leave the day blank..... I take a good look at the calendar and realize I have had a lot of Feel OK, Feel Good and Feel Great days, and there are a few empty boxes.   Always amazes me that most of the month, I really wasn't that miserable after all.    In the past, whenever I had a bad day,  I thought every day was bad and I was sure tomorrow and the next day would be bad too. But I was wrong.   I need this silly calendar as a visual reminder cuz when I'm in my head I'm in enemy territory.

[Tom37]

Day basically over and probably one of the hardest days since this started apart from the initial crash. This wave has really got me by my balls at the moment. Not only felt horrible physically for the majority of the day but have been really struggling with the thoughts that I might NOT actually stabilise.  Can only hope the tougher the wave the better the next window and the more healing going on. Last night also scared me with how bad i felt in bed as haven’t experienced it that badly before. 

 

Forgot to mention I even had good proper arm jerks last night a couple of times which haven’t had in long time....next I’ll be punching myself in the face with them! Could probably do with an uppercut with how I think sometimes.

 

Also dealing with my own stupid anxious thoughts about not sleeping last night. Cbt out in force for that one but still a challenge.

 

Thanks to everyone who has supported me today....very much appreciated. Would love to offer my support to more people but as you can tell I’m battling a bit with my own situation at the moment.

[Tom37]

Managed approx 6hrs sleep uninterrupted last night so that should help.

 

Wave has changed slightly but still high in intensity for the moment. Anxiety that came out of nowhere left me alone last night so hopefully that stays away.

 

In work and will just do my best to get through the day.

 

Trying to remain positive that stabilising will happen at some point but definitely not coming easy. Keep thinking this is it for me....wd forever.🤦‍♂️

[Tom37]

Well got through the work day so that was the positive for today.

 

Still battling away during this wave. Symptoms have slightly changed and the anxiety waves I was getting the other night seem to have stopped. Everything still at higher intensity though.

 

Hopefully stability not far away or at least longer windows and less intense waves but then I have been saying that for three months and seems like it’s further away than ever. 

 

The thoughts of what do I do if I can’t stabilise are also in my mind.....don’t know what the answer to that is.

[bubble]

On 2/17/2019 at 6:25 AM, Tom37 said:

have been really struggling with the thoughts that I might NOT actually stabilise

Hello Tom, writing here in response to the message you sent me.

 

I'd actually been reading through your thread before and my impression was and is that you are doing very well, as can be in this horrible process.

 

What I quoted above is actually another symptom of WD especially when we are in a wave: thinking, feeling and being absolutely certain almost we won't stabilise and recover. Have you been reading about neuroemotions? That was so helpful for me when I was in the thick of things and explained so much.

 

You actually say everything yourself: 3 months is not a long time at all and you are seeing many improvements. Chessie always says we shouldn't compare out state to our optimal functioning but rather think in terms of how much better we are than somebody who didn't reinstate, is fiddling with doses, adds and tales away drugs and as a result sees no improvement but just more and worse agony.

 

Also what makes waves waves is that although you rationally know you are in a wave and that this is just a blip, you forget about the overall positive trajectory and all improvements and feel only this present horror as your only reality and future. That's just the nature of the beast.

 

It's only natural we need reassurance in times like this. That's why we have this board Regardless of how many times I've been through the process, I will also need somebody to hold things in perspective for me.

 

I hope you are already feeling better as I'm writing this.

[neroli]

Hello Tom

 

Bubble always writes such great stuff and she has done so again in the post above.

 

It's horrible to feel so wrung out - I know it - and I also get those days when I'm hanging on by a thread and just waiting for it to be over.

 

Just to let you know that after a number of such days, where it's been very uncomfortable, today I feel a bit more 'normal', lower anxiety, managed work without stressing too much. Got a better sleep last night, which helps.

 

I'm holding on my taper to try to stabilise to a better baseline.

 

Wishing you the best as you go for the same goal.

 

Neroli 💜

[Tom37]

Thanks so much for your reply Bubble.

 

Your so right in the reassurance etc we look for when in a wave or I guess at the beginning of this journey. It’s another cruel part of this wd game.

 

I guess I’m doing ok considering the situation which nobody understands other than us. Hopefully in another three months there will have been more improvements in my baseline state but your right it’s unfortunately still early days in stabilising.

 

Definitely not changing dose at all.

 

I hope your doing well with where your at and hopefully this will all be behind you soon.

 

Take care and thanks again.

[Tom37]

Approx 5 hours sleep last night.

 

Symptoms changed again overnight...still in this wave.

 

Not coping very well this morning with everything. Trying my best but not happening....will just get through day as best I can.

 

Do worry that my cns/brain must have a lot of damage due to all these changing symptoms as each symptom must mean something else is getting worked on. Maybe means a long recovery but who knows.

 

Very pleased to see a friend doing so well on here.

[mdwstrx]

Another day of waving... 😣 I know how awful it is and the thoughts that go through the mind.  It does change!  I stopped the med for 5 days.  Enough time that it was out of my system I think.  So if I am healing, there is so much hope for you!

 

I don't know if my up doses had anything to do with how I feel now.  My doctor seemed to suggest that up dosing, within reason, would hasten the withdrawal as it replaced necessary serotonin.  That could all be a bunch of malarkey, and in fact, maybe I up dosed too much.  But I know there's a post on here that discusses reinstating to the right dosage.  It's a guess so they recommend starting way low and increasing as necessary. 

 

Anyway, the mods can speak best to this.   I know you're adamant at holding and that may be the best course.  Either way, time's the critical factor here.  And when you feel so bad, time seems to be our worst enemy.  

 

I'm glad too, to see that you have some latitude in your work (from your post on my thread).  It makes it that much less stressful knowing you have options.  But I also believe pushing ourselves helps the healing process, as long as we don't push ourselves over a cliff. 🏔️

 

I continue to 🙏for you and others here.  I fully believe it was the one factor that has helped me the most in improving.  Faith works miracles.  💜

 

 

 

  

 

 

[Tom37]

Thanks....I think when you crash while tapering holding is the key thing when after stability. Think if I changed my dose while still so sensitised it could just get worse.

 

Maybe the moderators or other veterans do have a different opinion.

 

When in a window I think I have seen overall improvement in certain things even though frustratingly slow, it’s just these waves knock the life out of you.

[Carmie]

Hi Tom, 

 

Just wanted to pop by and let you know I’m thinking of you. I can’t read a lot at the moment because of severe brain fog from my illness. 

 

Just read your last post n YES, YES, YES, holding is just as important as the amount we taper by. 

 

Take care💚