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Tom37: Lexapro taper

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Tom37

Better night....about 5 hours sleep. The horrible restlessness feeling of last 24 hours seems to have gone for the most part which was nasty. Feeling a little bit better but symptoms still high. Hopefully will slowly start to ease. 

 

Dont know about anyone else but underneath these symptoms I think I feel better than I have done in years. It’s so hard to explain but when they are low I get glimpses or how I’ll be symptom free and everything just seems better. I always thought I felt fine on the medication but as I reduced I kept feeling better and better.....until I crashed and entered in to this hell. Something to look forward to assuming of course that this does end.

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mdwstrx

Hi Tom.  Just stopped in to see how you're doing.  Glad you had a better night.  Sleep makes such a difference. 

Of course this ends!  Our bodies are amazing creations.   :) 

I am having slight reminders IT's not gone totally but I see the light at the end of this tunnel at least.  You are getting glimpses too.  

Stay strong and keep the faith!  You will get better.  💜

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Tom37

Thanks Md....you have such faith in this healing and normally I do to but sometimes it does test you especially if you get the horrible feelings of fear that are like nothing you have felt before.

 

Your tracking along very well and stability will be around the corner I’m sure. When you get there enjoy it for a bit before you begin your taper.

 

Take care.

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Tom37

Still in this wave....although horrible flu feeling has eased its best mate is still going strong which is very similar and limits what I can do plus add in the other symptoms. 

 

Did have a decent night sleep of 5 hours without waking then back to sleep for another half hour.

 

No plans as such for the day. Will get out for a couple of short walks to enjoy the sun and to get out of house. Always trying to learn better ways of coping to get through this but some days it just doesn’t happen.  It’s always the fear of the unknown with this....will it actually end....is trying to stablise just a waste of time as it doesn’t seem to be happening. 

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Carmie

Hi Tom, 

 

Sorry to hear you’re in a wave, glad you got some sleep though. Sounds like you’re having one of those go with the flow days, same here. I’m still in bed, it’s after 9am now. I’ve been in bed pretty much for the last fortnight, but I did get out and about with a friend the other day. 

 

Enjoy your walks, it’s nice to get outdoors. I’m a nature girl, and always in my element surrounded by water, trees, flowers etc. Ot gives you a lovely peaceful feeling. 

 

Do you have any hobbies that you can do at home? At the moment I’ve got a diamond painting in progress, and I’m making bookmarks for friends. I love arts and crafts, I also love word games. I’ve got a million DVDs I can watch, plus I’ve got Netflix. I don’t have Netflix in the bedroom though, just in the loungeroom, so I watch DVDs in the bedroom and Netflix in the loungeroom.

 

I love my bedroom ( just as well, as I tend to live in it😄) as I’ve made it really cosy, with lots of artwork on the walls, positive signs, fairy lights, balloons etc.  If I’m going to be spending so much time in here, I might as well make it a happy place.☀️☀️☀️

 

And yes, your wave will eventually end, they always do. I’ve had the severest of waves that have gone on and on and on, but they always came to an end. In the midst of them, though, you never feel like they will ever end. Sometimes it’s the chemicals in your brain and the neuro emotions that cause this doom and gloom in our brains. The best thing to do is to find distractions, that’s been my motto throughout this journey. Distractions! Distractions! Distractions!

 

Take care, sending hugs🤗

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Tom37

Still in this wave but things have slightly eased again so maybe coming to a slow end...we shall see.

 

Slept another 5 or so hours with couple of wake ups but straight back to sleep.

 

One main symptom that is really holding me back and it’s so hard to explain but it’s like an internal ache that seems to be in the upper body and from knees up into the thighs. It just makes you feel weird and of course not comfortable at all. Seems to come along with this horrible sense of fear at times. Not fun.

 

It’s so hard to remain positive that this will end at times especially when the wave ends and while you may feel ‘better’ it’s still not symptom free and always feels different than after the previous wave and not always any better. It’s like your going sideways not forwards which means more waves to come which means the duration of this just keeps getting extended, and the symptoms that bother you the most seem to stick around forever. Ridiculous.

 

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jozeff

Hi Tom,

 

This sideways moving instead of forward is very well said. Exactly how I experience all this. Last week extreme fatigue, no depression......today very fit but extremely depressed and desperate.

 

The symptoms are so unpredictable and vary in strength. My wife is pretty tired of me never feeling well.

 

How's your situation going? Do you have a family?

 

I know how incredibly hard it is to remain positive but it's the only choice we have.

 

Keep your head up Tom!!!

 

 

Jozeff

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noearthlyfamily
6 minutes ago, jozeff said:

Hi Tom,

 

This sideways moving instead of forward is very well said. Exactly how I experience all this. Last week extreme fatigue, no depression......today very fit but extremely depressed and desperate.

 

The symptoms are so unpredictable and vary in strength. My wife is pretty tired of me never feeling well.

 

How's your situation going? Do you have a family?

 

I know how incredibly hard it is to remain positive but it's the only choice we have.

 

Keep your head up Tom!!!

 

 

Jozeff

 

sorry to hear you're feeling crummy. still glad you're here, giving other people hope. hugs

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Carmie

Hi Tom, 

 

Sorry you’re struggling so much. When you said that you feel like you’re going sideways instead of forwards, all I could think of was a crab🦀🦀😁. This really is a long journey. I’ve been travelling it for many, many years, with many more to go. I try my best not to continually focus on the symptoms though, I distract myself with other things. I guess because I’ve been really ill for nearly 25 years I’ve learnt that I can’t do all the things I want to, and I have limitations. 

 

You will recover one day, just keep thinking that this rollercoaster ride 🎢 of ups and downs will eventually stop one day. I know it’s easier said than done, but there’s nothing we can do to stop withdrawals. If we want to get off these meds the only way is to keep moving forward and to go through the withdrawals. I only have to taper by a small amount and I still get them. I’m in withdrawal normal at the moment, but I’ve still got symptoms. I think we are both crabs moving sideways.🦀🦀😁

 

Take care, Sending hugs🤗

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Tom37

Thanks guys.....yes I have a partner who is very supportive so I’m very lucky in that regard. She obviously sees it from the outside but has no doubt that I will stablise and return back to health especially after looking into wd.

 

Yes so frustrating after a wave to not really see improvement but it is happening just sometimes it must be changes that we can’t really feel or it’s having a go at fixing something but hasn’t quite got it right or fixing one part has upset another part and therefore there are new symptoms....who knows🤷🏻‍♂️......other than improvement is slow, slow and even more slower than we want but supposedly it does happen.

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neroli

Hello Tom

 

Just popping in to say hello and hope that you are having some easier times.

 

Keeping morale going is difficult but you seem to be holding in there.

 

Best of wishes

 

Neroli 💜

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Tom37

So came out of wave and been feeling better for about three days so farbut definitely not at the point of feeling normal in these windows if that’s what I’m in. 

 

Being honest im kind of beyond caring that I’m in a window because it’s clear that I still have a long time to go until I’m stable which means more waves and more suffering. I think if I ever get clearer windows or longer periods between waves then the hope and positivity will return but for now the hope is low and the fear of not getter better is quite high. 

 

Sorry for bring negative but this whole situation is just wearing me down.

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mdwstrx

Hey Tom.  Great that you're feeling better!  I am sorry that it's playing so hard on you and that the fear is there.  But that is partly the wd talking.  Hope is what we have to counter that fear.  Take these better feelings and know that things are changing.  That is very very hopeful! 🌞

 

Distract yourself from the fear.  It serves no purpose but to further the misery.  Consider the situation a blank slate or neutral (if you possibly can).  Add hope or add fear.  What serves the better purpose?  Fear obviously will make you feel worse adding to the stress.  For ex. I've been seeing a counselor of late to prepare for an eventual taper.  Despite feeling almost sx free lately, the stress of discussing certain topics brought out some of the sx during the session.  So you see,  stress equals worse wd sx.  And fear causes stress.

 

Someone on this site asked me today if I'd heard of the 'nocebo effect'.  Had to look it up. 

  •  nocebo effect is said to occur when negative expectations of the patient regarding a treatment cause the treatment to have a more negative effect than it otherwise would have.

Not trying to minimize your suffering at all.  Only trying to say you that you would do much better to focus your mindset on the positive.  Faith moves mountains Tom.  💜

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Tom37

I know I should be more positive about it but hard to be today. Thinks it’s part of the wd itself, part going through the wd process and general life stressors.

 

Just want some consistency in how I feel, but don’t we all. 

 

Will be 4 months on Friday since I crashed and while symptoms have improved or gone it’s hard to say where your at as others replace them. So is that progress or am I kidding myself? Who knows.

 

For me it’s about the windows and the waves and so far they aren’t really getting any better/easier or further apart but hopefully that will change soon.

 

It’s amazing how ‘hope’ can make you feel so different so something I need to grab hold off more often.

 

 

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RachelSusan

Hi Tom,

 

Glad to hear you are in a window and feeling what we call "withdrawal normal."  I'm sorry to hear you are so worn out, but who wouldn't be after what you have gone through? Normal normal will come. I'm not in your shoes so I don't really know, but from reading your posts since the beginning it sounds to me like you are making progress --  at what must feel like a snails pace though.  Or maybe you just aren't reporting the bad times as much?  I do hope that this window sticks around for a little while.  Tom, I know it is hard, very hard, but improvement will come. 

 

I remember reading on your thread that you might be getting laid off from your job, but I don't recall seeing if you did.  Forgive me if I missed it, but are you still working, or are you off of work?

 

Rachel

 

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Dejavu

@Tom37, I'm right there with you. The fear that I'm "stuck this way" is constantly terrorizing me. Anxiety has been an issue for me since childhood, and it's way overblown now. I really believe this rat poison takes your biggest fears, your worst pains, your greatest weaknesses, magnifies them, covers them in sh%&, and then throws them right back in your face. It's almost like it "knows." We cannot give in. We cannot let it win. (Hope that doesn't sound too paranoid!) I know you are beyond exhausted. I am too. But we always have strength beyond what we know, so dig deep for it. I hope you have someone to reassure you when you become hopeless and fearful. My sorry self needs constant reassurance these days. Thank God for my husband. I don't know how - or why - he puts up with me.

 

Timewise and situationally, my case is similar to yours. I have not yet stabilized at 4 months either. And like you, I have made some overall improvements, but also like you, I'm still having issues with waves. I have made two tiny updoses in the last month; 2.5% each time. Both have seemed to help. I'm waiting another month and if stability is still elusive, I might updose another 2.5%. 

 

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this quest for stability. It will come for both of us. It. Will. Come.

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mdwstrx

The life stressors you've mentioned in your posts are major (job security etc.).  I'm amazed at your strength and resiliency when I read about how you deal with boss visits etc... You've been very strong and its hard to see past the fear when in a wave.  But... you're in a window.  Rejoice!  It means that your awesomely made body is doing what it should be doing.  Patience is hard to come by in this ordeal - especially in a wave.  But you do have a choice in how you view your circumstance.  Make up your mind to choose positive to the extent you're able and that final window will open for good - sooner rather than later. 🙏

 

 

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Tom37

@Dejavu Thanks for your post. I hope you are getting improvements and im sure in time stablising will happen. Its just so slow for some of us. I will have to catch up on your thread but keep hanging in there. I dont know too much about reinstating and finding the right dose so im jut staying at my dose (updosed as didnt get to zero) as advised from everyone and waiting for this stablising to happen. From other members on here its not uncommon to take 12 months or even longer to get there if your crash was hard, which i think my was so could have a way to go but as long as your breathing you are healing.

 

@mdwstrx Thanks as always for your kind words. I normally am quite positive but i think the wd induced depression at times makes any positive thoughts difficuilt. Maybe im in a physical window but a mental wave....nothing would surprise me now with WD. Really glad your doing so well but please hold and then hold for a little longer as you do want to endure anymore suffering. Yes i think we are more stronger than we believe and i look back at some of the things i did at the beginning and have no idea how i managed - but i did. I guess then i saw it as more of a temporary period of suffering and now it has stretched longer than expected so the will power to keep fighting on with work etc has waned a bit. Still have no intention of ever giving up but not going to push myself too hard for the moment. I do my best and that will be good enough and if sometimes doing my best is just simply looking after myself then so be it.

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RachelSusan

Tom,

It’s been quite over here on your thread for a few days. I don’t know if it’s a good sign or a bad sign.  I hope it’s good. Fingers crossed.

Warm Wishes,

Rachel

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Tom37

Hi All,

 

So been almost a week since an update so here goes.

 

Been in bit of a window for about 8 or 9 days now. No new symptoms have come which is unusual for me even when not in a wave. The main symptom I have is very hard to explain but I feel it in my knees, upper body, hands and goes into my head at times. It waxes and wanes but never completely goes. If this went then would be almost normal.

 

Mentally I did have this weird type of mild depression which I thought could have been just me but on Thursday night it just cleared and last 4 days have been like my normal self so it was definitely wd.

 

Would probably go as far as saying the weekend was the best I have felt since this began - definitely mentally anyway.

 

So been doing a bit better but still not symptom free in a window so expecting a nasty wave to come crashing any day now....or just maybe I might be starting to have longer gaps inbetween.....we shall see.

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Dejavu
17 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

just maybe I might be starting to have longer gaps inbetween.....we shall see.

Tom, I sure hope so. This is great news! Sending positive vibes!!

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Tom37

Another day in this window. I say window as I think there is only windows and waves or is there windows, waves and baseline? Who knows🤷🏻‍♂️.

 

Still the same symptom pattern as I have been having...waxing and wanes throughout the day. Just dealing with the ‘will this ever end’ thoughts which have come back yesterday and today. I always seem to get them after a few days in a window as it’s so easy to think that it stops here or it’s going to get bad again.

 

Will see what tomorrow brings.

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mdwstrx

Good news!  Thinking about you. :) 

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Gracee
On 3/11/2019 at 8:58 PM, Tom37 said:

Another day in this window. I say window as I think there is only windows and waves or is there windows, waves and baseline? Who knows🤷🏻‍♂️.

 

Still the same symptom pattern as I have been having...waxing and wanes throughout the day. Just dealing with the ‘will this ever end’ thoughts which have come back yesterday and today. I always seem to get them after a few days in a window as it’s so easy to think that it stops here or it’s going to get bad again.

 

Will see what tomorrow brings.

 

Sounds to me like you are feeling pretty good, but your thinking is gloomy.  Why?

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Tom37

I wouldn’t say I’m feeling pretty good. I’m not in a wave but symptoms still there which prevents me from being fully functional and are a constant reminder that still in wd.

 

I guess after 4 months of this i don’t get too excited about windows anymore. I probably will again once they become symptom free or close to it. To me it just means still a while to go which is so frustrating especially as it feels like life is on hold. 

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Tom37

Hi All,

 

So bit of a rough night last night with basically zero sleep....work stress and a very hot night along with not feeling the best which was probably brought on by stress.

 

Anyway this morning I have a problem with my left leg and foot. It kind of feels like it’s a bit numb and when I walk and when on my toes in the walking action you can see the back of the leg shake a bit, its weird and means I can’t walk like normal as doesn’t feel right. No pain though. The right leg seems normal or if it is there it’s very minimal. I’m assuming this is another withdrawal symptom but am bit concerned about this one.

 

If anyone as experienced this type of symptom and it’s resolved please let me know.

 

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Tom37

So looks like back into a wave. Almost two weeks since end of last one and almost a record for time inbetween. Think the work stress may have triggered it. Don’t have the horrible flu type feeling I always get so either it’s about to come or maybe I’m done with that, will wait and see.

 

Mainly just feel unwell, the chills or feeling hot, bit of a wanting to be sick feeling, the numb foot/leg, sense of fear is back, lack of appetite. Last night I was up and down all night as lying down didn’t ease it but then neither did getting up, just hope it’s better tonight as don’t want two nights of no sleep.

 

Overall it’s not as bad as previous waves.....so far...but still think it’s never going to end and definitely not pleasant.

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Tom37

Wave still going....no flu feeling but has been replaced with another symptom which I can feel throughout my body...in my head, my legs, my arms etc it’s weird and not pleasant but bit easier than the flu feeling to cope with. Just get concerned it’s my ‘new baseline’ and here to stay for a while. 

 

Managed 4 hours sleep then another 2 hours last night as didn’t have the horrible feeling of needing to move around. 

 

Just crazy that you have so many different symptoms in this. It does make you wonder if you are so damaged that you will ever heal as it seems endless. Just hanging out for that symptom free or close to it window....then will know I’m truly getting better.

 

 

 

 

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Dejavu

@Tom37, I guess we're on the same wavelength tonight. Seems like a lot of people are in nasty waves right now. Thank you for propping me up earlier today while feeling so bad yourself. Let me return the favor.

 

Remember you are stabilizing. Like you reminded me, it can take a while. At least you haven't fried your CNS with all the changes like I have. You have a good brain. It can and will do what brains do when they're injured - it will repair itself. I don't believe its your baseline. I believe our windows are actually our baseline. This will pass. It will.

 

Funny how we always seem to be able to do for others what we cannot do for ourselves. That's one reason why this site is so very important. The energy of the collective is a powerful thing. 

 

Sending you the most positive energy and hoping for a better day tomorrow for both of us - in fact, for everyone. Hang in there.

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Tom37

Thanks....I really do hope I am in the process of stabilising but it sure doesn’t feel like it a lot of the time. Always have that fear in the back of mind of being the one who doesn’t stabilise....then what do I do? Not a good thought to have but so easy to think like that.

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Carmie

Hi Tom, 

 

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling. I just wanted to pop around and give you a hug🤗

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Tom37

Thanks Carmie. Day three of this wave and it’s more of a struggle with the thoughts of is this ever going to end. If I knew I had say 6 more months of his then it’s done it would be so so much easier to deal with. Physical symptoms still the same and because it’s different than previous waves get worried this may last a lot longer. Nothing you can do though other than carry on as best you can.

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Tom37

Wave still going...is this new main symptom going to be my new main symptom for a few weeks until it’s replaced. Every time I have a wave I get a new main symptom that stays after the wave ends. Hoping it’s not the case here as it’s not fun. 

 

Totally fed up at the moment of all this and what it’s done to me and that I still have so far to go to get stable. Just had enough. A wonderful life turned into an absolute **** of a life. Why do we even bother carrying on? Rant over.

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Altostrata

Yes, typically withdrawal symptoms come in waves and transmute into other symptoms, hopefully somewhat milder and more tolerable.

 

When you have a window, your attitude will change as well.

 

Did we discuss fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

A lot of people find them helpful. Try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

 

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mdwstrx

Hi Tom, 

Praying this wave is (one of) the last you'll have.  Stability is coming. 💪💜

 

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Tom37

Pretty sure this wave is coming to an end and in a ‘transitional’ phase back to a window or baseline or whatever you want to call it. Woke up this morning and the feeling I was having in the wave felt like it was being released. Felt a lot better mentally as well. Not expecting to be symptom free in this next window as just too much going on still. If wave is ending then probably the most tolerable wave so far. 

 

Feel like I’m running a marathon but doing an inch at a time. 

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