Dejavu: can anyone tell me what's going on?

[composter]

Very very encouraging to see these updates, my friend. Your newfound perspective and the patterns of improvement you are noticing are all such positive signs. Glad you can focus on stability, find beauty in the small things in life, and set a plan for pulling through it all.

 

The perspective shift from this ordeal is such a doozy. I agree it all feels so unnecessary and unjust to have gone through any sort of withdrawal. But there sure is comfort in knowing you are not alone. Be well.

[Dejavu]

So very true @composter. Thank you for popping in. How is your taper going?

[composter]

Of course. Yeah things are going very well. I feel so strong and healthy these days, it feels like such a miracle compared to where I was just 9 months ago.

 

Forgetting my dose for one day this month thankfully was a minor bump in the road. I'm going to be reducing my dose by 5% intervals and will make the reduction to 9.5 mg this coming week, after I finish with a few classes I've been taking. I was on 10 mg for 6 weeks and it took about 2 weeks to feel solid. So far so good! Thanks for asking! I find myself on this site less and less as I resume normalcy, and as you mentioned before, I'm no longer obsessing about every little symptom. I'm very touched by the way you are supporting and connecting with others on here. Love that you are paying it forward. 

[Dejavu]

Just journaling my progess...

 

Yesterday, I made a big, long trip to the grocery store, which went pretty well, only a bit of fatigue, dizziness and DR. Came home, brought in the bags and put the food away by myself. Since I crashed 6 months ago, hubby usually does all this (and more), but he wasn't feeling well yesterday, and it was the very least I could do for him. He continues to be so wonderful and supportive to me - I am so grateful to have someone like him in my life!  

 

Then in the evening I went to band rehearsal. Had an an absolutely wonderful time doing what I love to do with the people I love to do it with. Almost no dizziness, blurred vision or anxiety. A little DR but distraction was easy. But sleep wasn't so hot  - light and broken. Still got about 5.5 hours. I'll take it.

 

Today has been odd - in and out of waves all day. Not feeling bad, really, just...blah. No facial breakout this morning and less hair fall in the shower. Showering in itself doesn't scare me much anymore - I still can't figure what I thought was so scary about the shower. I've seen others post about it as well. 

 

Vision is awful today. Blurry and dry. I did manage a 2 hour nap this afternoon with a very nice dream about my mom and grandmother. They both looked very pretty and were wearing bright yellow dresses. They were together and happy. I awoke peacefully - no toxicity. Not much hand tremor today, and significantly, no dizziness.

 

In spite of all these very good things, by dinner time I became quite despondent and anxious about...nothing, really. Actually, about never stabilizing. It is so odd how quickly my perspective can shift. Yesterday, I was hopeful and fully appreciative of all of my improvements. Today, I'm upset that I'm still not fully stabilized, sure I'll never heal, my vision will never improve and I'm probably going blind. This is just nuts...

[Dejavu]

@composter, I am so so so happy for you!! You had a rough time getting where you are are now. You deserve the very best.

 

How did you make the decision to do 5% cuts rather than 10? And 6 week holds rather than 4? My tentative tapering plan, when I start, is to make a tiny cut of 2.5% first with a 1 month hold. If that goes all right, I'll do 5% the next month, then 7%, then 10%. That way, I'll be able to tell which reduction amount worked best for me. I know we have to slow down when we get to the lower doses, but that's my plan to start. I'm hoping I'll be stable enough to start in July or August. Fingers crossed.

 

You are so wise to hold until after your classes are finished. And it makes sense to be out living your life rather than hanging on the site so much, but please don't leave permanently. I'm being completely selfish with this request...lol! But seriously, you have no idea how much your support and encouragement has helped me. I was in such a desperate situation, and you were one of the first to reach out to me. If I'm helping others now, it's because you have given me something that I CAN pay forward. So please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing; it matters to me that you are well. Also, I'd like to be able to pick your brain occasionally on tapering matters (again, totally selfish - honest, but still selfish!) 😎

[Dejavu]

Updating my progress...

 

First, the positives: no dizziness, no bladder symptoms, and no morning anxiety. In fact, very little anxiety at all. That being said, however...

 

Today was not so good. Extremely dry eyes and blurry vision. My left eye is mostly affected, I guess because it is still healing from corneal damage. I also just noticed my face is starting to break out again. No energy; just spent the day relaxing as much as possible. But the worst symptom today is increased depression, obsessive fearful thoughts and crying spells. The thoughts center around my health and, of course, withdrawal (i.e., 1. my corneal damage is actually some horrible eye disease - despite a diagnosis AND a second confirming opinion of dry eye and corneal damage - and I'm going to lose my vision; and 2. I will never stabilize and I'll have to start tapering while symptomatic and will suffer horribly all the way down and even after I jump I will never heal - or - even if I do heal I'll be so old by the time it happens that I won't have any life left to live. I mean, the absolute worst case, unlikely and unreasonable scenarios possible. It's nuts.

 

I also cannot stop reliving the last few days of my mom's life when she suffered so terribly. It was so hard to watch the first time, and I have no idea why I keep traumatizing myself with the memories over and over. I torture myself with uncertainty, too: Did we make the right decisions for her? Did we advocate strongly enough on her behalf? Did we let her down in any way? I know in my heart she is at peace now, and yet I cannot take any comfort in that. 

 

I am certainly not this bad every day. In fact, days like these have been the exception rather than the rule. Overall, the trend is still upward, but man, today was tough. I am now ten weeks holding at 26.25mg. I am hoping and praying that I'm closing in on stabilization very soon. 

[RusTW]

Good to see you're making gradual improvements. I hope this continues for you

[RichT]

Sorry you had a tough day Dejavu. Those negative thoughts do sometimes take over, don’t they?

 

Rich

[BreathofAir]

Hi Dejavu, 

 

Just checking on how you’re doing and hoping that things have picked up for you? 

 

I relive similar memories, but I’ve had more time to get used to the loss. It’s still very raw for you on top of everything else. 

 

Bless you and hope that you are indeed very close to stabilisation. 

 

R xxxxxx

[Sassenach]

Hi Dejavu

 

It always has to bite back.

You have come so far and healed so well the WD always has to have one more go.

You are getting there and are a great example to the rest of us, you know in your heart you are winning and it will not crush you.

However we all need a little support from time to time, you have mine and many others.

Tomorrow is another day.

 

Strength from a rainy Scotland.

 

Sassenach

[Dejavu]

@RusTW, @RichT, @BreathofAir, and @Sassenach, thank you all for the good wishes. I'm in the middle of a wave right now. Blurry vision, heightened anxiety, tremor, and the worst acne - my face looks like a pizza!! But on the plus side, no morning cortisol spikes, little to no dizziness, and sleep seems to be undisturbed. Guess I just gotta roll with it for now. 

[Sassenach]

Suggestion Dejavu.

 

Don't look in the mirror, if you can't see it, it's not there😈

You will be better tomorow.

[Dejavu]

1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

Suggestion Dejavu.

 

Don't look in the mirror, if you can't see it, it's not there😈

You will be better tomorow.

With my vision so impaired I can barely see it anyway...lol!! Ahhh, good times.

[RusTW]

good humor. thats what gets us by.

Wishing a window for ya

 russ

[Dejavu]

Thank you @RusTW. I'm feeling a,bit better tonight. How's your belly?

[Dejavu]

So, my vision has been awful for the past few days. This frightens me because I have a healing corneal abrasion on my left eye from overwearing my contacts. Naturally when I have vision issues from wd, it affects my left eye much worse than my right. In waves, I obsess on this and worry about having some eye disease that will cause blindness, despite having been diagnosed with a corneal abrasion by two different optometrists.

 

Tonight, my left eye vision has significantly improved and doesn't feel as dry. This coincides with a general easing of anxiety, which tells me that its mostly withdrawal (although my cornea is still healing), and that eases my mind.

 

Just needed to document this here so that when my monkey brain takes over again, I can remind myself that it will all sort itself out with recovery.

[Tom37]

Glad your eye is feeling better.

 

In waves it’s crazy how distorted our thinking becomes. I’ve had all sorts of different things I’ve gotten anxious over when in them and when out of a wave I can’t believe I even thought to worry about it. Like you I’ve written it down but my stupid brain still doesn’t believe it in bad waves!

 

You seem to be slowly getting better so keep hanging in there.

[BreathofAir]

Hi Dejavu, 

 

Just wanted to check how you are doing and to thank you for your recent messages. Is your vision any better? 

Really hope you are continuing to do well.  I am still in the thick of it, as you said, and have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday.  I have no clue what’s going on, just keeping plodding along.  It’s rain, rain, rain here at the moment. At least things are growing in the garden and I’m looking out for baby frogs in my little pond.  Hope you are managing to do some nice things and your husband is feeling better. 

 

Sending my very best wishes to you for calm and healing. Bless you

Sleep well. 

R 

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[RichT]

On 5/31/2019 at 6:36 AM, Dejavu said:

So, my vision has been awful for the past few days. This frightens me because I have a healing corneal abrasion on my left eye from overwearing my contacts. Naturally when I have vision issues from wd, it affects my left eye much worse than my right. In waves, I obsess on this and worry about having some eye disease that will cause blindness, despite having been diagnosed with a corneal abrasion by two different optometrists.

 

Tonight, my left eye vision has significantly improved and doesn't feel as dry. This coincides with a general easing of anxiety, which tells me that its mostly withdrawal (although my cornea is still healing), and that eases my mind.

 

Just needed to document this here so that when my monkey brain takes over again, I can remind myself that it will all sort itself out with recovery.

 

I think your analysis is spot on and you have no need to worry.

 

R

[Dejavu]

@BreathofAir and @RichT - I am so sorry its taken so long for me to respond. Much has been going on here. I have been slammed with work. The anniversary of my mother's death is quickly approaching. And earlier this week a family member died. This person was a predator who abused me from ages 8-12. It's confusing because his children are very precious to me. I've never told them what he did to me, and they certainly don't need to know now. It is and has been a decades-long, convoluted and toxic story. What he did to me was responsible in large part for wiring me for anxiety as a child and it put me on a path that eventually led me here, for better or worse.

 

I spent a few minutes alone with him after he died. It was the first time in almost half a century that I felt safe around him. It was my intention to tell him off once and for all, but that did not happen. Instead, I heard myself saying "let it go." So I did. I stood there, I forgave him, and I sent him on his way to wherever he belongs, which is not for me to say. After all this time, I finally feel free. What happened is now between him and the Universe. It no longer has anything to do with me. And since that moment, I've felt like a new person. I feel like a very dark cloud has passed. I don't need to relive it any more. It really is over, I think. I just feel differently about it. I am at peace. I hope he is too.

 

Amazingly, despite all this, my symptoms have not ramped up. I am doing very well. My overall baseline continues to improve and stabilize. Although my windows and waves are not clearly defined, and symptoms come and go several times during the course of a day, they are mostly tolerable. Some days are better than others, but I would say that at my worst, I'm about 75% normal (not WD normal - "normal" normal). At my best, I'm about 90% normal. 

 

Although I feel I could probably handle at least a 5% cut right now, the symptoms are still transitory enough that I feel I will benefit from another 30 - 60 hold. I will reevaluate in a month. But now, I know I will heal. I somehow lived through the last 6 months, although I didn't often believe I would. I expect a smart, slow taper will be a walk in the park, comparatively speaking.

 

Rachel,  I don't believe I would have stabilized if I'd kept changing my dosage. The difference between me now and me 3 months ago is huge. It really is a waiting game. But it does happen. Keep your chin up - your turn is coming!!!

[RichT]

Dejavu,

 

I am so glad you’re doing so well.

 

Your story about your abuser is very moving and powerful. I can’t think of a comment that is worthy of what you’ve done!

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

 

 

[planifolia]

Hi Dejavu! It's terrific to hear how well you are doing, and that even after and during moments that are tough on the nervous system, you came out well  . It seems your nervous system is really stabalizing and it's resilience is returning. I'm very hopeful that in a few months you will become rock-hard stable  

 

I remember when we first time we met on the forum we were both in the same spot and it's amazing to see how far you came. You are the reinstatement success story that i'm holding on to. I'm still having a horrific time but your story gives me hope, especially on how well you stabalized and how horrific things were before!

 

Just wanted to ask if you felt the stabalization very gradually or was it adrupt? 

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Dejavu

 

I am so glad for you.

You are an inspiration.

I think we have all heard about the power of forgiveness, but in this world of cynicism few of us expect to see it.

Your strength and determination will gte you through.

OK back to the hermitage for more reading.

 

Sassenach

[Dejavu]

@planifolia, I don't consider myself fully stable at this time. I am not symptom-free. I'm still a little shaky and anxious in the mornings, and several symptoms come and go throughout the day. However, I'm miles away from the panicked, dysfunctional mess I was 6 months ago. To answer your question, it has hapoened very, very gradually. So gradually, in fact, that, just like many have reported, I couldn't tell I was seeing improvement until others told me. Then I looked back on my notes and realized that, yes, I was better. For example, just last night, I was catching up on some work, and I didn't realize it, but I was singing. My husband heard me, and came into my office. He had tears in his eyes and said he knew the old me would be back someday. That's how subtle the changes can be. So be on the lookout.

 

I also don't really have clear-cut windows and waves, just a slow overall improvement over time. I would not say it is exactly linear, but closer to it than I expected. That being said, for all I know this is just a long window and the withdrawal gods are waiting to slap me down. Who knows? I don't think that's the case, but we shall see.

 

You will stabilize, given enough time. Please remember I've only been on zoloft for a relatively "short" time (2.5 years), at a relatively "small" dose (50 mgs). This could very well be why I'm seeing improvement so early in the game. Just be patient and you will get there. I highly recommend you keep daily notes. It really helped me to go back and see how far I've come. 

[Dejavu]

@RichT and @Sassenach - thank you both for your kind words. Forgiveness is a lot like withdrawal - hard to do, but so worth it!

[Dejavu]

Journaling my progress.

 

The most active week and weekend I've had since I crashed and RI'd last November. Intense work week, and I actually enjoyed it after not being able to work much for the last 7 months. I feel productive and purposeful again. Friday was a really good band rehearsal. I was even able to stay after and socialize a bit. Saturday was the anniversary of my mother's death. I figured to spend the day hibernating and grieving. But one of my brothers coaxed me out to shop. The day was sunny and beautiful. Then my younger brother met up with us for dinner. It felt right that we should all 3 be together on that day. Then today, I woke (no morning anxiety), did a little work, then went to a wake for my family member/abuser who passed 5 days ago. I was able to ignore the reason we were all there and focused on enjoying my extended family. After 50 years of suffering emotionally at the hands of this guy, it is positively amazing to me how together I am about it now, and how completely I have been able to forgive. I do not feel grief, anger or bitterness. I am at peace. I am free. I hope he is too. 

 

I do notice, however, that my symptoms noticeably flare if I get too tired. Towards the end of an active evening, I might get a tiny bit of DR, dizziness or blurry vision. Once or twice a bit of neuro anxiety. Sometimes sore muscles or a runny nose. An occasional headache or a  palp or two.  But it all passes after a night of sleep. I'm regularly getting 7 - 9 hours of pretty okay sleep. I still feel fatigued when I wake up, kind of like a bad hangover. Not very refreshed. But its all of a much less intensity. Less hair falling out. Less facial breakouts. Less depression and, thank the Universe, no more hellish SI. I'll certainly take it.

 

I still don't feel ready or stable enough to start my taper. But I think I'm getting close. I'm thinking maybe August or September. The general plan is one or two 5% cuts, then a hold for the holidays. If that goes well, I may try a 10% cut in January 2020. Of course, this is all subject to change if the withdrawal gods have other plans.

[Songbird]

It's good to see you're doing well.  I think you'll know when you're ready to begin tapering.  I usually know when I'm ready - if I'm not sure, I wait.

[BreathofAir]

Hi Dejavu, 

 

So pleased how you’re doing and the approaches you are taking in dealing with difficult and very emotional times. Your rational mind is good and strong.  So glad you have your lovely husband and brothers too.  You’ve been through so much so of course you will get tired with spots of anxiety here and there, but on the whole you’re zeroing in on your goal really steadily.  

 

The messages you have sent me have meant so much to me and I am invoking your fighting spirit every day.  It’s so important to have goals and I’m setting mine, like you. 

 

Bless you so much. Keep sleeping, healing and moving forward. Stay strong. 

Best wishes, 

R 

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[RusTW]

Hey there friend. Glad things are looking up for you. Good job

[Dejavu]

@BreathofAir, @Songbirdand @RusTW, thank you all for the support. I hope you are all doing well. Rus, how is your belly? I'm really sorry the gut issue temporarily derailed you. You've been such a source of inspiration to me. I hope you're starting to see a break in the symptoms, if not now, then very very soon.

 

Rachel, you seem to be improving slowly with time. I read your current posts and compare them to the ones from several weeks ago, and wow! What a difference! You should be very proud of your strength and determination. 

 

Songbird, you are absolutely right. My new mantra for the foreseeable future is: when in doubt, hold. I didn't go through 7 months of unmitigated hell just to turn around and put myself right back in the same position by rushing. I'm letting my body decide when. And its telling me: not quite yet.

 

After several days of high activity, high emotion, work deadlines, and almost zero symptoms, today has seen a slight return of blurred vision, light sensitivity, fatigue, acne breakout and balance issues. The sensitivity to light was fairly significant this morning, but has since relented. All symptoms are mild and tolerable, and the best part...no anxiety, no depression, no dizziness, no DR/DP, no insomnia, and no tremor or muscle jerks! For the past two days, I've even been able to take lovely afternoon naps, something I thought was lost to me forever just a short time ago. What a blessing!

 

I've come miles from where I was a few months ago, when I was convinced that my life as I knew it was over and I would never recover. To those who are suffering while trying to stabilize - take heart. Take it slow and steady and you will get there. I was an absolute wreck - crippling anxiety, deep black depression, SI, and a whole laundry list of physical symptoms. I was bedridden and housebound, praying for death. But in the past 4 days, I've attended band rehearsal (playing loud music), socialized with my friends, gone shopping, gone out to dinner, attended a wake for a family member/my former abuser, and fully performed my high-stress, deadline intensive job. While it's true that it's all catching up to me a bit today, that's all right. It's still a huge improvement, and I am better than I expected to be at this point.

 

Tomorrow's plan is to rest and be kind to my nervous system. Good food, bad TV, a warm bath and a comfy chair is the plan. And maybe the start of a slow taper next month.

 

I wish all of my fellow survivors positive thoughts, peaceful sleep and powerful healing!! Please feel free to reach out to me if I can help you.

[planifolia]

On 6/12/2019 at 7:56 AM, Dejavu said:

After several days of high activity, high emotion, work deadlines, and almost zero symptoms, today has seen a slight return of blurred vision, light sensitivity, fatigue, acne breakout and balance issues. The sensitivity to light was fairly significant this morning, but has since relented. All symptoms are mild and tolerable, and the best part...no anxiety, no depression, no dizziness, no DR/DP, no insomnia, and no tremor or muscle jerks! For the past two days, I've even been able to take lovely afternoon naps, something I thought was lost to me forever just a short time ago. What a blessing!

Got emotional reading this, this is wonderful news! I have been having intense SI and your story gives me hope. ((((( 🤗 )))))) 

 

I noticed you took both hydroxyzine and benadryl although they both are antihistamine. Did you notice difference in effects between them? 

 

 

[Dejavu]

@planifolia, I'm sorry you're dealing with SI right now. I've been there and I know it's awful. Try to remember it's not you; it's the withdrawal causing you to feel that way. Like all withdrawal symptoms, it is temporary and it will pass. 

 

I used both Benadryl and Hydroxyzine a few times back in Nov. and Dec., when I first crashed, and when insomnia was an issue. Thinking back, I believe the Hydroxyzine had a more potent effect, but I only took either of them on a few occasions at night for sleep. I don't know how they work for daytime anxiety. 

 

I've had a slight return of morning anxiety during this wave. Not every morning and no worse than a 2 out of 10 when it does happen. Also an occasional tightening and soreness in my thigh muscles when I am at rest. Magnesium works great for me for both of these symptoms. Have you tried it?

 

This wave seems to be quite mild, and already showing signs of easing up after 5 days. I'm very pleased and hope this means I'll soon be ready to begin my taper. So hang on. Your turn is coming, too.

[Carmie]

Hi Dejavu, 

 

It’s great to hear that your wave has been mild. Hope you’re doing okay.💚

[Dejavu]

Thanks @Carmie. How are you feeling these days?

[Dejavu]

Update:

 

This wave continues, but continues to be mild. At the risk of jinxing myself, I think I'm coming out of it. I am unfortunately dealing with yet another death in my family - the 4th in two years, plus also losing a dear friend in that length of time. Sitting vigil at the hospice with family members last night, I had a sudden spike of dizziness, DR, and anxiety. I went to the restroom and put on a panic talk-down video I have, and the symptoms began to subside after a bit.

 

I slept very well last night and awoke with no anxiety. Then in the shower, a bit of breakthrough anxiety, muscle weakness and tremor. Gone again with 30 minutes. Grocery shopping with hubby was pretty much symptom-free, except for a bit of tingling in my legs. Then back to hospice for a couple of hours and then home. Since then, random transitory waves of dizziness, sore leg muscles and an uncomfortable but not unbearable headache. All in all, symptoms are 2-3 out of 10. 

 

I want so badly to get on with it and start my taper, but I suspect I would benefit from holding for another 30 days, so that's the plan at this point. However, just like all other things withdrawal, that is subject to change without notice.

[BreathofAir]

Hi Dejavu, 

 

Am really sorry to hear your news. Please accept my condolences. You are having so much to deal with. Please look after yourself and don’t rush.  You’re doing so well and your resilience has built up. I am sure the wave will be over shortly. 

 

I have decided to hold off on updosing and will see how I get on this week. I have been trying to give myself a talking to today after a very bad night.  I was telling my husband that this situation is so much harder than antidepressant start-up, and I thought I felt terrible then.  Learning to accept so many unknowns is such a huge challenge.

 

I am so glad for you where you are now, as I know you waited and suffered months. It is like being caught in a maze. 

 

You are in my thoughts, prayers and thanks for the wonderful support you take the time to give. 

Bless you and keep healing.  Sleep well. 

R 

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