BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

[sunnysideup69]

11 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

Hi Rich, 

 

Thank you.  That wasn’t the worst thing that was said, but I would not repeat it here.  It was my husband saying the very worst thing when someone is so frightened and doesn’t see a light.  

 

I am sorry to be upsetting everyone again. I tried to calm myself, but it has hurt very much and I know I have to find a different place to recover because I don’t feel safe here anymore. 

 

Thank you for all your kindness and support.  Bless you. Heal well and sleep well. 

 

R xxxxxxx

 

So sorry to read this Rachel. You absolutely deserve a safe place to recover. I agree with Rich in that your crisis team/counsellor could be a great help here. Am guessing however that it might be more difficult to get hold of them at the weekend? PS you are not hassling them if you keep asking them to speak to your family. Clearly, the message hasn't got through. 

If you feel in physical danger, that would be a matter for the police. 

Do you also have friends around you to whom you could tell what's going on?

Really hope you have a better day today, 

Good wishes your way xxxxx

[Sassenach]

Rachel believes her husband is not monitoring this site.

However she chose to pm me twice this morning.

I asked her to move the second PM to this thread so those following her and the mods are aware of the current situation.

She has taken your advice @RichT and was trying to contact the crisis team.

The first PM was as Rachel said very upsetting and I have no idea how she has got this far.

Bullies are the worst kind of scum and she is dealing with two of them.

If you are monitoring this site doctor, you had better hope we never meet.

I hope we hear from her before the end of the day.

[RichT]

Rachel,

 

if you want to make these discussions a little more private you could open a thread in the benzos section which is only visible to logged on users.

 

Hoping to hear from you soon

 

warmest wishes,

 

‘’Rich

 

 

[sunnysideup69]

@Sassenach @RichT

 

Oh gosh, that doesn't sound good re what's going on. I guess for anyone to know her posts particularly, they would have to know her forum name.....

[Sassenach]

You're right Ruth but I really don't know what they are capable of.

Would really like to post her second PM but don't want to do it without her consent.

Difficult to cope with, I just hope she has got some help today and we hear from her later.

[sunnysideup69]

1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

You're right Ruth but I really don't know what they are capable of.

Would really like to post her second PM but don't want to do it without her consent.

Difficult to cope with, I just hope she has got some help today and we hear from her later.

 

I hope also that we get to hear from you, BreathofAir.

[BreathofAir]

Hi everyone, 

 

Thank you so much for your much-needed support.  I haven’t heard back from the Crisis team, as yet. They are very busy unfortunately.  My friends have been caring for my daughter today.  I have been out to try and think and put some space between all of us.  My husband goes back to work tomorrow.  I have spoken to both him and my mother.  My husband has been incredibly upset and admitted he is finding it too much, given what went on in Canada, trying to juggle work and care for our daughter.  He admitted it was unforgivable what he said, but he cannot listen to me anymore when I have spoken about SI.  I understand this.  My mother does not understand why this is going on so long and will not accept it could be a long while.  I think her support will be lost in the not-too-distant future.  She closed the door on my older sister (alcoholic) unfortunately because she could not cope and felt there was nothing she could do.  

 

I don’t think going back into hospital is the right thing for me because they wanted me on higher doses and antipsychotics.  I have an elderly friend who I can see during the day and I don’t plan to discuss my care or recovery anymore at home.  I have a doctor’s appointment this week.  

 

I am just so sad, depressed and burning with anxiety.  I just want to hold it together and increase my function.  I have no idea if the Escitalopram is working or not.  Does anyone know the early signs?  I was so drugged up last time I can’t remember other than terrible jitteriness and nausea.   

 

I hope everyone is ok and feeling well. I am so sorry that I have spoken the way I have on here. I am just frightened. Your support means so much to me, you can not know how much. 

 

Bless you all so very much. Heal well. Sleep well. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[sunnysideup69]

13 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

 

  I have no idea if the Escitalopram is working or not.  Does anyone know the early signs?  I was so drugged up last time I can’t remember other than terrible jitteriness and nausea.   

 

 

Firstly, no need for any apology.

Secondly, ok your mum might not be around to care for your daughter, but .....well, I spose I'm trying to find a way to politely say that her absence may well be the better thing for you. 

I do understand that they are probably bewildered and frightened, but the constant pressure you've been under to 'hurry up and get better' is just not good for you.

 

It's early days to be getting relief from the Escitalopram, I would imagine. I think you updosed to 7.5mg a week ago? One of the mods would know better, probably, but all I can say is every time I have updosed, I have initially felt a few days (or maybe just one) of feeling better but then felt rough again for a couple of weeks. The increased agitation definitely seems like it's linked to updosing, so in that case the escit is 'working'....just not providing much relief yet.

[sunnysideup69]

24 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

I hope everyone is ok and feeling well. I am so sorry that I have spoken the way I have on here. I am just frightened. Your support means so much to me, you can not know how much. 

 

Bless you all so very much. Heal well. Sleep well. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

Sleep well, really wishing better times are coming for you where you can take the time you need to heal. 

[Sassenach]

So glad to hear from you.

It is good to hear you have a friend. If he/she is able to give you a quiet space now and then it would help.

Fair comment regarding hospital although their attitude is difficult to comprehend.

It is good that you have talked and you realise that you need space between you.

You can and will get better Rachel, in fact you already are although I am sure it does not feel that way.

I remember the first evening I saw your thread, there is no way you could have talked rationally then.

You are still less than a week into your last updose.

I seem to recall that your GP was sympathetic to your situation.

I assume he does not work at the same practice as your husband.

AS for your mother, if she cannot help then she is better not be there.

The Escitalopram was already working, remember the great day out, it was only last week even if it seems a lifetime ago.

You need peace and time to slow down, what about the church you mentioned.

Your intellect is working so much better than mine at the moment. Try and find  a group to do something you enjoy.

For the moment you  have agreed where you stand so let's get you well, it will take a while but you will see another day like last week.

Stay calm particularly with your mother, then go from there.

Sleep well tonight, tomorrow is another day.

 

Sassenach

 

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

you don't need to apologise for anything you’ve said here. 

 

I agree that going back into hospital isn’t the best thing to do.

 

It sounds like you may lose your mother’s support, but it hasn’t been the best of support has it? You will be fine without her involvement, probably better off. She doesn’t understand what’s going on.

 

Is there anyone who can help you and your husband look after your daughter?

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

 

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

Forgot

 

Maybe you should try and see the counsellor if you were unable to tell her how you felt on friday.

[BreathofAir]

@Sassenach  @RichT @Dejavu @Mewr @intothewoods @planifolia @sunnysideup69

 

Your supportive and encouraging messages over the past few days and weeks are holding me together. 

I cuddled my daughter to sleep again tonight because you are giving me strength.  

Bless you all with sleep, health and continued healing. 

 

Alis Grave Nil 

Xxxxxxxxxxx 

       🦋

 

 

[Dejavu]

We are here for you, dearest! You will get through this. It's only one chapter.

[ChessieCat]

4 hours ago, RichT said:

Rachel,

 

if you want to make these discussions a little more private you could open a thread in the benzos section which is only visible to logged on users.

 

Hoping to hear from you soon

 

warmest wishes,

 

‘’Rich

 

 

 

The Benzo section is for members who are actively tapering benzos.  There is an Off-topic section which may be more suitable.  The other option is multiple member PM.

[planifolia]

BreathofAir, I'm so sorry about your family situation, It is difficult enough to deal with just the symptoms and you don't need anymore additional suffering. 

 

It is really hard to say if the updosing is working or not, but given you that you are on it for a week, I would give it at least another week to see how it goes. You may find that gradually symptoms eases comes, or it may be sudden like a switch going on.

 

I also think it's best if you don't go to the hospital. Is there like a withdrawal clinic or some kind of live-in community you can go to where they won't give you meds but can keep you safe and also can help you escape the drama of your family situation?

 

If things get really unbearable, maybe you can take some betablocker or antihistamine to help you get through the roughest patch? I know you are drug-adverse but I think it''s better than ending up in the hospital and hooked on quite potent medication. It's the lesser of two evils. I am now taking antihistamines, as I know if I don't I would end up in the hospital in Hong Kong whoose practice is to always sedate you to oblivion. 

 

Keep going, you are strong you can do this

 

 

[Sassenach]

Good morning Rachel

I hope you slept ok

Take today slowly it is going to be different.

Think peace and walk away from confrontation.

It's great to hear you cuddle your daughter so today cuddle yourself a little.

Happy healing sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Good morning @Sassenach and @planifolia

 

I hope you are both ok. I slept better than the previous night, which is good, thank you. The difference between evening and morning is stark.  Just to feel depleted of cortisol and adrenaline to a certain extent, is a small relief in the evening,  but every morning the tanks are full again and it’s off we go. I wish I had a leak!

 

Sassenach,

I had severe cog fog last year at the higher doses of everything and could hardly string a sentence together or remember what things were called.  It did make me frustrated, but I started to learn to ring church bells and because it involved using a part of my brain that is not my best bit, it seemed to make a difference.  I tried not to stick to doing familiar things too much.  I hope you are managing to feel comfortable and warm enough. I know we are all having different symptoms.  I could power a nuclear station with my anxiety.  

 

Planifolia, 

I hope you are finding the antihistamines helpful.  I am still on the Lorazepam.  I know you have building work going on and I hope you can get your hands on some good quality ear plugs to dull out the sound. Can you spend any more time outdoors? I hope you are still managing to sleep.  What sort of exercise do you like doing?  I am trying a bit of Qigong and hoping to start swimming again when I can tolerate the environment of the pool and the extreme temperature changes that are dropping my blood pressure at the moment.  This week I am working on going further from home by myself.  Scaryyyyy....

 

I hope we can all achieve robustness.  As you alluded to in one of your previous messages Sassenach, slow and steady wins the race.  By the way, I’m from Yorkshire too. Am not missing the M62 one little bit. 

 

Have a great day. Bless you both. 

 

R xxxxxxxxx

[sunnysideup69]

Hope your day is proving a better one xx

[BreathofAir]

Hi Ruth, 

 

Thank you. 

 

I managed to go to the supermarket by myself and shop, but the anxiety was dreadful.  I’ve been out in the garden and my dear friend came this afternoon, which was nice.  The days feel so long and it is tragic to wish time away because you feel so dreadful and it’s such a struggle to effectively distract yourself. But hey ho. Keep on moving. 

 

How has your day been? I hope you are still feeling good. 

 

R xxxxxxx

[sunnysideup69]

Hey Rachel, 

thanks for your reply about the acupuncture...really helpful. I'm still in good spirits, just suddenly a bit exhausted, but will heed the sign and rest.

Wow, you've been doing LOADS! That's amazing. Despite the anxiety. Some days, all we want to do is fast forward until bedtime.....I know what you mean, does seem a shame to wish time on like that, but it won't always be like this.

I'm back at work tomorrow which is gonna be a bit of a shock to the system....but I'm generally pulling up from a weird month of may, and the school summer holidays are not far away now.....I'm counting down.....

xxx

[Longroadhome]

Sas

been thinking of you how are you? 

[Longroadhome]

Just now, Longroadhome said:

Sas

been thinking of you how are you? 

Anna is back but not in good shape I’ve asked to meet up 

[Sassenach]

Wow Rachel.

 

The sense of humour is back.

Your determination is inspiring.

Do I sense you feel a little more in control?

You no the next bit, don't overdo it.

Everything you are feeling is as normal as it gets at the moment.

Keep telling yourself you are in control, you dictate the pace.

Enough of the BS, how is Snowey and does he go out with you?

I was born in York and lived there for 40 years.

My guess you originate Harrogate/ Ripon.

Take care relax and sleep well tonight.

 

Sassenach

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

On 6/2/2019 at 10:26 AM, BreathofAir said:

I am just so sad, depressed and burning with anxiety.  I just want to hold it together and increase my function.  I have no idea if the Escitalopram is working or not.  Does anyone know the early signs?

 

When your family life is in an uproar, it's very hard to tell which symptoms are from the emotional stress and which are from withdrawal.

 

I'm sorry your husband does not like the word "stabilize," because it's very appropriate and quite general. You might tell him you feel your nervous system is finally settling down from all the changes, but you feel it needs more time to relax. This is something only you can determine.

 

Family fights do not help your nervous system settle down.

 

I believe he cares so much he might be a little overwhelming:

 

On 5/31/2019 at 10:08 AM, BreathofAir said:

My husband does not like negative or catastrophic thinking and feels that the key to recovery is a holistic approach involving food, exercise, distraction, therapy and as little medication as possible and lot of neuroplasticity work doing things when you don’t feel like it.  I agree with all of the above, but my negative thinking starts when home is destabilised or I struggle to control myself.  I just hope for patience and kindness, but I feel like they are angry with me.

 

All this is true, but it also sounds like perhaps both of you put too much emphasis on watching for negative moods, including what you may be telling him about "SI." They will come and go, like clouds. Meditative breathing can get you through those episodes and keep you from fixing upon them.

 

Following soft music with your mind can also be a form of meditation Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Your practicing these techniques sends messages to your CNS to stand down. Your husband might even try them himself, as he seems a little wound up. Studying medicine is hard work and needs a break from time to time, too.

 

On the bright side, it sounds like you are learning from your symptom pattern and doing some self-care to give your mind something else to do. Well done!

 

Please post your exact drug schedule so we can understand what you're doing with the benzo.

 

[BreathofAir]

Hi @Altostrata 

 

Thank you so much for your time and thoughtful and helpful advice. I hope you are well. 

 

This is is my drug schedule.  I was able to stop the Zopiclone after a week or so. 

 

7am             1mg Lorazepam 

9am             1mg Diazepam 

Breakfast 

10.30am     7.5mg Escitalopram 

9pm             1mg Diazepam 

 

My symptom pattern is very similar every day since the updose from 2.5mg.  

 

Cortisol awakening 4am (usually minor can go back to sleep)

Cortisol awakening 6-7am (burning arms and hands, dread, severe anxiety)

Low/Mid-level anxiety (can eat, do housework, go out accompanied) throughout morning.  Uncomfortable, but manageable.

Cortisol burning anxiety feeling around lunch time.  Settles after eating

Spikes of more severe anxiety with burning throughout mid afternoon and into evening (causes more distress, SI and low function)

By 9pm usually feeling calmer, but flat. Relieved it’s bedtime. 

 

I eat healthy snacks to keep blood sugar up, go out every day, do light exercise every day, meditate and do breathing exercises.  I have social contact every day. 

I still cannot listen to music or watch anything on screen, as this agitates me. 

 

Thank you so much for your help. Best wishes, 

R xxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

well done for getting off the zopiclone! You are definitely doing the right things.

 

warmest wishes,

 

Rich

[Altostrata]

To understand what the benzos may be doing, please give more detail for what happens with your symptoms between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m,. 10:30 a.m. and 9 p.m., and 9 p.m. and 7 a.m.

 

Please interleave your symptoms with your drug schedule in this format:
 
6 a.m. Woke with anxiety
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Stomach is upset
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Feel a bit better
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Feeling dizzy
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke but got back to sleep

 

When you take lorazepam at 7 a.m., how do you feel afterward? Does it take away the "cortisol awakening" feeling?

 

When you take diazepam at 9 a.m., how do you feel afterward? Are you more anxious or less?

 

When you take escilatopram at 10:30 a.m., how do you feel afterward?

10 minutes ago, BreathofAir said:

Cortisol burning anxiety feeling around lunch time.  Settles after eating

Spikes of more severe anxiety with burning throughout mid afternoon and into evening (causes more distress, SI and low function)

 

Does this "cortisol burning" feeling happen every day? What time of day?

[BreathofAir]

1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

Hi @Altostrata  

 

7am             Wake up suddenly Huge cortisol and anxiety with burning - take 1mg Lorazepam (relieves cortisol burning, but takes over an hour)

9am             1mg Diazepam (no noticeable effect)

Breakfast    (feel better after eating and getting moving)

10.30am     7.5mg Escitalopram (no immediate effect)

11-12noon  Anxiety creeping up, but manageable 

1pm             Lunchtime - struggle with eating, nausea 

2-3.30pm    Biggest spike in anxiety around this time. Spikes of slight burning and agitation depending on level of distraction

4-5pm          Lesser anxiety, can eat dinner

6-7pm          Anxiety with emotional waves due to daughter’s bedtime

8pm             No physical anxiety just emotional waves

9pm             1mg Diazepam (helps relax for sleep)

10pm - 11pm  Somehow fall asleep

4am              Half wake up with mini cortisol spike, go back to sleep

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Hi Sassenach 

 

Waaaaayyy off the mark with Harrogate and Ripon. Heh heh I wish!   No, let’s play guess the city where Rachel was born.  Clue: Wool

I don’t feel any more in control, I just go up and down and all over the place.  It’s my daughter’s birthday tomorrow so I have been crying my eyes out again.  But I’m going to be strong and give her lots of fun tomorrow when she’s home from school.  These are the hardest times I find, to put a face on when it’s agony inside. 

 

I hope you’ve had a good day. You sound in good spirits. I hope you sleep really well. Please let me know how you’re doing. 

Bless you so much. 

Night 

R xxxxxxxx

 

PS Snowey is very well thank you and he goes with me.  We have been playing football in the garden. His favourite place is the beach, but I need MUCH more courage for that yet. 🥴🥴

 

[BreathofAir]

Night night  @sunnysideup69

 

Good luck for work tomorrow.  You will be absolutely fine. Will be thinking of you. Take it easy. 

Sleep well. Keep healing. 

Bless you. 

R xxxxxxxxxx

[BreathofAir]

Thank you @RichT

 

Thank you re the Zopiclone.  Lord knows how I’m going to get off the Lorazepam though. I know I got down before from 3mg, but this time it feels different because I’ve crashed and I don’t know what the Escitalopram is doing, if anything.  

 

I hope you are doing ok yourself.  It’s not easy juggling and you were so brave when you reinstated. Thanks for the advice about the music as well.  I will need a teacher with a boatload of patience.  First I just need to stop all this blasted blubbering.  

 

You are so kind with everything you write to us all. I really appreciate it so much. 

 

Sleep well won’t you. Sending you blessings for calm and healing. 

Night, 

R xxxxxxxxxx

[Sassenach]

Bradford

[sunnysideup69]

On 6/3/2019 at 4:17 PM, BreathofAir said:

Night night   @sunnysideup69

 

Good luck for work tomorrow.  You will be absolutely fine. Will be thinking of you. Take it easy. 

Sleep well. Keep healing. 

Bless you. 

R xxxxxxxxxx

 

Thanks you soooo much xxx

[Sassenach]

Good morning Rachel

Look forward to fun and games this afternoon.

This is a special day so start slowly, try and relax into it and enjoy for yourself as well as your daughter

 

Good luck Sassenach.

[BreathofAir]

Good morning  Sassenach, 

 

Bingo!  Made it too easy for you.🧐 York eh? You’re probably too posh to be talking to the likes of me!

 

Thank you for the good wishes.  She was so excited with the balloons everywhere.  I heard her rushing around whooping.

 

I could not get up in time, as I’ve had a really bad cortisol night. Feeling like a wizened, old roasted chicken - the squashed one nobody wants from the oven.  Blast this dreadful withdrawal/reinstatement/cluster****** parallel universe. 

 

She has gone to school with a caterpillar cake.  I haven’t the energy to cry.  Like you say, just slowly get going and try to relax.  I will relay that to the control centre and see what comes back! 

 

How are you feeling this morning? I hope you’re doing well. 

Bless you and have a great, productive day anyway. 

R xxxxxxxxxxx