BreathofAir: dual taper mistake

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Rich and Shep, 

 

The reason I put myself into hospital last week, knowing full well how dreadful it was going to be and the danger that they might overdrug me if I got too distressed, was because of my mother and husband.  I find them overwhelming and controlling, although I know they love me and want me better.  They find me hysterical, hypochondriacal, negative and pathetic.  They shout a lot and I end up more distressed and unable to calm myself.  

 

I have been been trying to think of somewhere I could go, but then they would accuse me of running away. 

 

They don’t understand that I don’t have anything in balance at all and how precarious and terrified I feel, the eating, sleeping, exercise, function, engaging, is all over the place and both of them wait for me to put a foot where they don’t think it should be and then pounce on me.   This is how I ended up like this in the first place, because my husband and mother just would not stop.  I can’t escape and I’m living the same nightmare every day, trying to please them, but feeling desperate, lonely and utterly suicidal.   My daily life exists around short walks, colouring mindful books and Crisis appointments.  I cannot tolerate tv, music or reading normal books. I can barely look at my daughter at the moment.

 

I am frightened the benzos are making me even more depressed and demotivated, but I can’t tolerate the severe agitation if I don’t have the Lorazepam.  This agitation has been there from the start of the crash and is not being exacerbated by the Escitalopram or the Lorazepam, which I didn’t reintroduce until more than a week after I first crashed. 

 

What do I do if I get no relief from the Escitalopram?  I know this is nobody’s question but my own.  

My husband thinks I can just power through with eating and exercise and PING everything will be ok.  Why do I see something completely different?  Have I downregulated to such a bottomless pit?  

 

Please, no one has to read this. I just can’t say it to anyone else.  

 

I wish you all well.  I really do. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

it’s very important that you’ve said what you’ve just said. 

 

There is a place you can go for respite, though it’s in London. Have a look at their website. See if you think it would be right for you. 

 

https://www.maytree.org.uk/

 

R

[BreathofAir]

Thank you so much Rich for sending this to me.  Unfortunately right now I could not cope with a journey to London, but it is very thoughtful of you.  You are a deeply kind, caring person.  I appreciate your support so much. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

2 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

I find them overwhelming and controlling, although I know they love me and want me better.  They find me hysterical, hypochondriacal, negative and pathetic.  They shout a lot and I end up more distressed and unable to calm myself.

 

Breath, this is not a healthy situation for you, whether they are well-intentioned or not. You will either have to tell them to back off and let you make your own decisions or find another place to stay. Can you talk to your care team? You have relationship problems and they are complicating your condition.

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Alto, 

 

The Crisis team have had a talk and my husband was very sorry. He is a good man who is suffering very much, as is my mother. I realise they are both desperate.  It is horrible for everyone.  I have lost so much weight very quickly and am doing the best I can, but I can’t seem to tip the scales.  

 

Thank you for your continued help and advice. I hope you are well. 

Xxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

[BreathofAir]

Please anybody, 

 

What is happening to me? 

 

I cannot be near food, let alone cook it myself or eat it now

I cannot sleep

I can now barely leave my room

I am crying hysterically all day

I have lost all motivation 

 

How have I become so severely depressed and non functioning?  I really feel that I will disappear very soon. 

 

Today has been a truly terrible day and I feel so helpless and hopeless.  

Forgive me. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Altostrata]

Breath, you need to stay as calm as possible. Your nervous system needs to settle down from the drug changes. This will take some time.

 

In the meantime, eat what you can. There was a time that I ate mostly buttered croissants, that was all I had the stomach for.

 

If you're crying because you're scaring yourself, you need to change the channel. If you're crying because you're blaming yourself, you need to forgive yourself. Please read

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Sudden fear, terror, panic, or anxiety from withdrawal

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

[RichT]

Rachel,

 

you're someone who has strong responses to drugs, and changes to drugs, I can see that in your story. That's not your fault, that's just the way you're made.

 

So, it will take some time for you to settle down, just as Alto says. Things will change!

 

warmest wishes

 

Rich

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

Your husband and mother are not the ones suffering, you are.

This is at least the second time you have mentioned him manhandling you.

The crisis team obviously did not make the point forcibly enough.

Does he work from the same hospital as the crisis team?

Your GP and crisis team are in charge of your care not your husband.

Speak to the team tomorrow and get them to tell him, and your mother if possible to back off quickly.

Forget their feelings and put yourself first, it is not selfish in the circumstances you need time and space to recover.

I do not know what else to say.

Please let the people in charge of your care help you.

 

Strength to you.

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Alto, Rich and Sassenach, 

 

It has been a very bad day.  My husband is deeply sorry.  They are just frightened that I am giving up because the depression and anxiety are out of control and my functioning has gone. 

 

Sleep well, heal well everyone. Bless you. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

[Songbird]

I know how hard it is to eat anything.  At one stage I lived on Powerade for a while - not healthy but I couldn't take anything else.  Another time I lived on Ensure for a while.  Eventually I was able to slowly add in other food.  I remember eating half a boiled egg in tiny bites, it took me about an hour.  You need to find something you can face and take tiny bites (or sips).

 

You are not giving up, you're coming here seeking help, that isn't giving up.  What is happening is your nervous system has gone too far into sympathetic ("fight-or-flight") mode.  It needs calming down - please try some relaxation exercises.

[Altostrata]

Breath, do you feel better or worse since you increased escilatopram to 5mg on May 9?

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Alto, 

 

I don’t feel worse. My agitation is not at the level it was.  It is hard to be objective because I am still having persistent SI.  I am crying a lot more though with a very low mood, but physically I have improved.  I cannot fall asleep still and wake frequently with severe morning anxiety and adrenaline burning.  I am still taking the Zopiclone 7.5mg to get me off to sleep. 

 

I don’t know whether to try and reduce the 1mg Lorazepam that I take in the morning, split it into three doses or leave the Lorazepam for now and increase the Escitalopram to 7.5mg? 

 

I am working on exercise and things for my circadian rhythm, but am concerned that the 5mg is not enough.  The SI is more related to my very low mood now, but is my biggest concern.  

 

Thank you so much for your help. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

[Sassenach]

Good morning Rachel

 

Before you make any changes read your previous post again carefully.

There is optimism about your physicality, it may be small and even transitory for a while but 8 days in it seems the Escit is working.

Please do not make any changes until you hear back from Alto.

You are juggling two meds it does not make sense to rush and risk the ground you have gained.

Stay strong.

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Thank you Sassenach, 

 

How are you feeling? I hope you are continuing to improve. 

 

I wish I did not need the Lorazepam, but the morning anxiety and adrenaline burning throughout my body is just too much, especially after a bad night. I held off taking the Zopiclone as long as I could, but I ended up being sick and very distressed because the anxiety had built back up again and holding in a half sleep/ high anxiety state burning with adrenaline felt terrible. 

 

I feel the Lorazepam is holding me together by a thin thread. It is so hard to know what to do.  If I wasn’t in such a strong suicidal state I would not take it.  I am just too on edge with the insomnia and poor eating. 

 

Thank you again for your kind support.  I hope you have a lovely day and are feeling stronger each day. 

 

Best wishes, 

Rachel xxxxxxxx

[Sassenach]

I am ok thank you.

You need to take whatever helps you as long as it is prescribed.

You are improving, it is only 8 days since your updose.

Why do you wait to take zopiclone?

Alto will be back later today. Hold tight.

Tou can do it

 

Sassenach

[RichT]

Hi Rachel,

 

It's great to hear you've had less agitation, that's wonderful.

 

I know you're still very fragile, but every step is a step. Well done!

 

R

[LadyBartonella]

Hi,

 

I was on your place.

Really.

 

My dr told me that I should go to hospital, but I knew they will not help me.

I know what you feel. My HIT was in march 2017 then I made my own mistakes (listening to dr)

On August 2017-I decided that only way is to stabilise and wait.

 

In December I was able to endure this suffering by my own.

Greetings from Poland 🙂

 

[BreathofAir]

Thank you all, 

 

My morning anxiety is very bad today.  My mood is very low.  I don’t feel I know what I am doing with my medication, what the best times to take them are and whether to split the doses throughout the day.  

 

I have taken my usual 1mg Diazepam, but only 0.5mg of Lorazepam to see how I feel. 

 

I wait to take the Zopiclone at night in the hope that I will fall asleep on my own, but last night was the worst episode so far. I must have half drifted off then I felt a sudden need to be sick and felt so dizzy and disoriented and terrified.  I keep the tablet by my bed so once I had taken it I calmed down.  I know I have psychological dependence on tablets, but I do keep trying to hold out.  It’s just making my anxiety worse though every bad episode I have.  

 

I had counselling yesterday and I came away more distressed and suicidal than ever because she talked about my daughter.  I just don’t feel ready to go over all the things that have and continue to traumatise me. I’m raw and terrified.  I wanted to scream and run out and they keep talking about graded exposure and avoidance.  

 

I am in such a mess this morning. I am so sorry.  Maybe all the medication is just making me worse and there is no hope of untangling this mess I have made.  

X

 

 

[LadyBartonella]

I think that any drag or dosage change making you worse. You should stick to that what you are taking and wait.

When you will stabilise then you can start thinking about tapering.

 

 

[Sassenach]

Rachel

 

Please do not change your meds and doses until Alto contacts you.

 

Several years ago I had to take Zopiclone and was told by the consultant to take it 30 minutes before bed to ease me asleep.

 

I know what you mean about hating meds, but at the moment they are your friend until you strong enough to do without.

Check back later

[BreathofAir]

Please keep me strong today I am so close.

 

I would not wish this on anyone, but why do some people not get suicidal or so severe in their agitation and others do? 

Is it coping skills or something I just don’t understand? 

 

I cannot close my eyes to relax because my brain thinks I am trying to sneak off to sleep and it snaps me to attention with odd noises or images that people describe when on LSD.  The only single tiny relief is the Zopiclone at night. 

 

What is happening to me? Does anyone have any clue? 

 

I am so utterly terrified today xxxxxxxxxxx

[LadyBartonella]

I feel you. I was extremely suicidal. We are what we are, I am happy there are people who didn't have to deal with so huge WD.

When I was like you, I was thinking only "I must survive this".

For sure you will feel better, but you don't know how long you should wait.

 

Just stick to one dose of every drag what you are taking. Don't do any more changes.

You will get better.

[Shep]

3 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

have taken my usual 1mg Diazepam, but only 0.5mg of Lorazepam to see how I feel. 

 

Rachel, I know you're struggling with a number of things right now, but the moderators are trying to see where you're at with your Escitalopram dose.

 

The constant benzo changes are making it very difficult for us to be able to do this. We need you to keep everything constant for a few days and to keep a drug and symptoms journal so we can help you figure out what to do going forward. 

 

This is the format we need. And again, please keep your lorazepam dose the same. It's possible you will benefit from splitting the 1 mg into 2 or 3 doses, but without this information, we really don't know, especially since you're changing the dose. 

 

On 9/27/2016 at 2:49 PM, Altostrata said:

In the course of discussion in your Introductions forum topic, you may be asked to keep notes on paper of your daily symptom pattern, including when you take your drugs, their dosages, and any symptoms. We ask this because there may be something we can do to reduce the symptoms.

 

What we need to see for every single day over several days is what symptoms you get before and after you take your drugs. If you're not taking any drugs and have withdrawal symptoms, we still need to see your symptom pattern throughout the day:

 

The time of day, dosage, and severity of symptoms are essential information. Include

 

- Time and dosage for all drugs taken throughout the day, psychiatric and non-psychiatric.

- Following each dose, note any symptoms. If you are having a reaction to the drug, it may take hours for a symptom to show up -- that's why we ask you to keep notes all day long.

- If you're not taking any drugs, your symptoms throughout the day.

- Your sleep pattern. Since so many drugs disturb sleep, if you find you're waking in the middle of the night, it could be from a drug you took earlier in the evening. If you're not taking any drugs, there may be ways you can improve your sleep.

And so forth. A diary, in chronological order, looking something like this:
 
6 a.m. Woke with anxiety
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Stomach is upset
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Feel a bit better
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Feeling dizzy
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke but got back to sleep

 

 

[RichT]

Thinking of you Rachel and wishing you well.

 

I don’t know why some people react in one way, and some in another. But there are people on here who've had experiences like yours and got better. So hang on in there! I took zopiclone for a few weeks when I was at my worst (depression and anxiety) and I found it very helpful too. I was able to come off it when I started feeling better.

 

warmest wishes,

 

R

[MikeysMum]

Hi Rachel. It's not that you don't have coping skills. These drugs are causing a chemical reaction in your body that you can't control at this point in time.  It is pure hell. As Rich said others have got through this. The severe anxiety and other symptoms you are experiencing are actual real reactions in your body. Yes, there are things that can help when you feel able to implement them but the most important thing at the moment is your safety. Please listen to the mods here. I would never wish this journey on my worst enemy and you are having a very, very bad time of it. Take care. Xxxxxxx 

[BreathofAir]

Sorry Shep, 

 

I will try to be more systematic and keep things on a level. I appreciate very much how exasperating I am. I am so sorry, I wish I was coping better.  I will start to post a daily diary and will not make any further med changes.

 

Thank you for your help, as always. 

 

Rachel xxxxxx

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

I often need to sleep on an afternoon including today.

I woke up feeling sickly, totally disorientated, heart thumping and thought it was morning

It happens regularlaly and I have had nothing like the trauma you have been through.

If you wait until your brain is in turmoil before taking zopiclone it is not as effective and takes longer to work.

I hope you have a better night.

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Thank you so much MM, Rich and Sassenach, 

 

You are all so kind and generous, despite your own battles.  I wish I was not so full of terror at everything.  I will not wait to take the Zopiclone, thank you for the advice.  I am so frightened that the Escitalopram is not working because I have no feeling that it is.  I know I am not alone in this and wish I could be more useful and less hysterical. 

 

Bless you all and hope you sleep well and continue healing. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Dejavu]

My dear BreathOfAir-

 

I have just read your thread, and I am in tears for all you are going through. I can relate to much of it, especially the SI. 

 

I crashed 1 month after a too fast taper of 50mg Zoloft. My pdoc started me on 5mg lexapro that made me feel worse, so after a week I reinstated 25mg Zoloft. Then I got really impatient and made four more dose changes (both up and down) plus a quick 3 day conversion to liquid - all this in 4 months. I was never able to stabilize and spent all that time in the same mental, emotional and physical torment you're in now, until the mods were finally able to get through to my stubborn a** to pick a dose and sit still on it. I finally settled on 26.25mg (I don't even remember why that odd amount), but once I stopped monkeying around with my dose, I began to see tiny improvements and short windows. Finally, at 7 weeks, I got my first 3 day window, and even though I'm back in a wave right now, its much less severe than before. I am at least functional and not completely miserable. I can think of something other than my symptoms. So the general trajectory has been upward.

 

Its all about patience and stability. And the first will bring you the second. If you stay steady on your dosages, you cannot help but stabilize sooner or later. 

 

If you read my intro, you will see that I was pretty bad off 6 months ago. I was bedbound. I lost 50 pounds. I cried all day every day. I begged God to either heal me or take me. I was in the depths of such black despair and saw no hope for a future. Like you, I felt I was cheating my family out of a good life and I begged my husband over and over to just leave me and start over, then I would turn around and beg him NOT to leave me (he has never left my side - he is my best friend and my hero). For days on end, I could do nothing but lay in his arms and sob.

 

My anxiety was triggered by all things big and small, relevant and random. A door left ajar evoked the same distress in me that a terminal diagnosis might have. My body was on red-alert 24x7. I experienced inner vibration so severe that it was uncomfortable to even sit up. What little food I could tolerate had to be eaten lying down. Morning cortisol spikes and anxiety were so severe that I was afraid of bedtime, knowing what awaited me on the other side. Every waking moment was a hell of dizziness, visual disturbances, anxiety and depression, and a score of other less-debilitating but still-distressing symptoms that were impossible to ignore. I knew beyond a doubt that I would never, ever heal and was doomed to suffer like this for the rest of my life. 

 

That was then. Today, I'm much improved. No more cortisol spikes, and very little - and sometimes no - morning anxiety. I'm back at work. Even though not yet stable, I just had a pretty darn good 3 day window and so far, this current wave is only about 50% of the intensity of the last one. I remember receiving an invitation to a wedding last month and thinking there was no way I would be well enough to attend. Well, the wedding was last week, I went, and although I wasn't completely symptom-free, I still had a wonderful time. 

 

Until I quit changing my dosage, I was not stabilizing. Even though the changes I was making were tiny (around 2.5%), to a sensitized CNS they were very significant. I put myself through at least 4 months of unnecessary hell before I started listening to the advice on SA. Now I know stabilization will happen for me. It will happen for you, too. Just sit still with it for a bit. 

 

About the SI: it is indeed frightening. I've never had it before coming off ADs and it shook me to my core. It caused me to question everything I thought I knew about myself. But the bottom line is: we don't really want to die. We want the pain to go away, and when every day is the same as yesterday, logic tells us there's not much hope of that. But nothing about this journey is logical. Just when I thought I couldn't take any more and was about to give up, the clouds parted. They will for you too, I guarantee it.

 

Keep posting here. These "strangers" are some of the best friends I've ever had. I owe the mods and members so much more than I can ever repay. I think everyone here feels the same. All we can do is pay it forward. We are here for you  and we get it. 

[Songbird]

21 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

I have taken my usual 1mg Diazepam, but only 0.5mg of Lorazepam to see how I feel. 

 

I wait to take the Zopiclone at night in the hope that I will fall asleep on my own, but last night was the worst episode so far. I must have half drifted off then I felt a sudden need to be sick and felt so dizzy and disoriented and terrified.  I keep the tablet by my bed so once I had taken it I calmed down.  I know I have psychological dependence on tablets, but I do keep trying to hold out.  It’s just making my anxiety worse though every bad episode I have.  

 

I had counselling yesterday and I came away more distressed and suicidal than ever because she talked about my daughter.  I just don’t feel ready to go over all the things that have and continue to traumatise me. I’m raw and terrified.  I wanted to scream and run out and they keep talking about graded exposure and avoidance.  

 

Please take all the meds at the same doses and times for now, including the zopiclone.  They can be slowly tapered in future when the time is right.  It's also not the right time for any kind of exposure therapy.  You need to be kind and gentle to your nervous system right now.  Please try some relaxation exercises, they really do help.

 

 

Edited May 18, 2019 by Songbird
spelling

[Sassenach]

Good morning Rachel

 

Brilliant post from Dejavu, I am sure you can really relate.

For today, same meds, same time, same dose.

Remember to keep your notes for the mods to use as info.

I hope you slept a little better.

 

Keep going

 

 

Sassenach

[BreathofAir]

Dear @Dejavu and @Sassenach,

 

Thank you dearly for your caring posts.  You are both wonderful people, it is just very sad to cross paths under circumstances such as these.  I have behaved with my dosages today, as instructed. 

 

Dejavu, so much of what you have written very much resonates, in terms of just how much can the Universe throw at us at any one time.  I had a period of several bereavements and terrible life stressors at the same time and I carry them constantly in the racing thoughts that never leave my head.  I cannot get the hang of positive thinking and it’s a big stalling point in moving forward, I know.   You sound like a remarkable, brave and tenacious lady, given everything that has happened, and I hope you truly see your own strength and worth.  I know people talk of strength and we push it aside, because what does it mean when we feel like a lifeless rag and just want to hurry up and heal!?  I have these conversations every day and have to give myself a talking to. 

 

I am so sorry that it has taken this time for you to see this progress.  I am so glad though that your windows are becoming more frequent. 

 

As you touched on, the suicidal thoughts are by far my biggest challenge.  They are constantly with me, night and day, and I don’t know when yours stopped for you.  I cannot be left at the moment and I am a burden to everyone.  I am shocked at the ferocity of these thoughts and pray that my mood will lift enough to give me relief so that my courage will return.  

 

Everything you described about the black hole of hell and making bargains with the Universe, I too have felt and thought over and over again. 

 

I feel as though I am wrapped in barbed wire. If I move this way I get gouged, that way I get more tied up.  Staying still just seems so painful and impossible. The temptation to add an extra pill when the agitation is unbearable is just so strong.  

 

I am glad you have a wonderful, strong, husband.  Not that you would wish it upon him, but would you not have stood by him if the roles had been reversed? Objectively I am sure he will see the changes that you cannot. We are never satisfied or truly grateful, because the underpinning fear is always there with the shears waiting to shred our confidence and hope. 

 

My husband said to me today that I measure my progress by the fact that I remain suicidal and so depressed, and he is right. I can’t see that I might have motivated myself to do more than the day before.  All I want is relief, but also because I feel in grave danger, always on the cliff edge.  I can cope with a lot of pain, but the mental agitation and hopelessness has been way beyond anything I have had to cope with before.  

 

Thank you for all your words of wisdom and hope. It is truly a blessing that strangers can reach out to each other in their darkest times and give the gifts of hope and understanding that we so desperately need to keep us moving forward. 

 

Bless you and hoping your windows blow those waves right away. Take care, sleep well, heal well.

Rachel

xxxxxxx

[Dejavu]

Rachel, I've been - and at times still am - right where you are. In fact, I'm really struggling today. We have to believe it will get better, though. 

 

 

[Sassenach]

Hi Rachel

 

I know you don't see it but you are sounding calmer.

Maybe not back on the floor just yet, but definitely not on the ceiling.

It is great that you are talking properly to your husband.

Did you get to sleep any better with the zopiclone before bed?

Don't forget same time tonight for zopiclone and for your morning meds.

The terrors will ease if you stick it out as Dejavu has demonstrated so eloquently.

You have so much support now, we all know you will get there.

Sleep well.

 

Sassenach

[Dejavu]

1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

I had a period of several bereavements and terrible life stressors at the same time and I carry them constantly in the racing thoughts that never leave my head.

Yes, it's terrible to have to grieve in withdrawal, isn't it? The feeling of utter desolatation takes on a life of it's own. However, when I had that window last week, I realized that, while I was still grieving, it was more proportional and not as bleak as it is when I'm in a wave. There is a huge difference between normal grief and "withdrawal grief." This was oddly reassuring for me. It tells me that both my coping skills and my normal range of emotions are still available to me after I stabilize. This is huge for me in terms of hope.

1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

I cannot get the hang of positive thinking and it’s a big stalling point in moving forward, I know.

Yes. It's a problem I've had all my life as well. And something I badly need to work on moving forward. My inability to see the glass half full has cost me dearly over the years, especially now. So much plays into this - I'm going to have to unpack my whole life to get to the root of it. Just the thought of that triggers me. Can't go there at the moment. Some time soon, though. Baby steps.

1 hour ago, BreathofAir said:

The temptation to add an extra pill when the agitation is unbearable is just so strong.  

I get it. Proactive people have trouble sitting still; it goes contrary to our nature. It also brings to light a loss of control that I personally find terrifying. But - please listen to me carefully. I was repeatedly advised to sit still on a stable dose if I ever wanted to stabilize. But I couldn't leave it alone - I worried that I reinstated too high, or too low, or that I was kindling myself, or that the reinstatement wasn't working, etc. - and I made a total of 6 changes in 4 months. After withdrawal hit, I first reinstated lexapro, then a week later I was cold switched back to zoloft at 25 mg., then I went up to 37.5, then back down to 25, then up to 26.25, then I switched to liquid. I was chasing that mythical "sweet spot" that would make everything okay, because I could not accept what had happened to me and that I could not control it. And I was suffering so terribly that doing nothing seemed counterintuitive, especially for a control freak like me. But once I sat still on a single stable dose, it only took 6 weeks to begin seeing small improvements. I put myself through unnecessary torture - months of it - by continuing to monkey with my dose. I implore you not to follow my lead. I am the poster child for what not to do. Today, I'm back in a wave (mostly with physical symptoms - the mental ones have chiefly abated or at least tremendously lessened), and I'm torturing myself wondering how much farther along I might be today if I'd only heeded the advice to sit still. Please feel free to reach out to me when you're tempted to add or change drugs.

2 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

Objectively I am sure he will see the changes that you cannot.

Absolutely. It seems to be a particularly sinister feature of this syndrome that we are slow to see - or trust - improvement. I find I need to be constantly reassured. He understands that although it gets tiresome for him to say the same things over and over to me, it seems to be what I need in my present state of mind. Make sure your support system understands what you need from them and why you need it. It helps them avoid caregiver burnout.

2 hours ago, BreathofAir said:

  I can cope with a lot of pain, but the mental agitation and hopelessness has been way beyond anything I have had to cope with before

Yes, I was shocked at the utter despair I was feeling. I was more than ready to give up. I was triggered into despair by the most mundane and benign things. I panicked every time I was left alone because... well, you know why. The constant SI and hopelessness began to relent after about 3 months or so. I still have my moments, but that's all they are now. Just moments. Since those feelings are now short-lived and transitory, it's much easier for me to understand that it's withdrawal, and not me. It's not you, either. And I promise it gets better.

 

I hope at least some of this helps you. Please reach out any time. Hang in, sweetie. You will be all right. We all will.