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Erell

Erell: struggling with paroxetine

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Erell

Thursday 26th September :

 

23 hours ago, Erell said:

4 am : woke up anxious, stayed in bed and read a book.

 

6.40 am To 7.40 am : fall asleep. Dream of sexual traumatic abuse. 

 

7.40 am a new day begin

 

 

8 am : 10mg Paroxetine 

9am To 10 am : fell asleep, weird and anxious dreams 

10am To 3pm really hard times, terror waves+++, despair +++, need To cry but can't, legs burning. Tried à short walk outside.

3pm To 4 pm spent the hour is a friends, she came To my flat. It was good to talk with somebody, even if anxiety was High.

4pm To 6 pm waves of terror and despair come back.

6pm To 8.40 pm anxiety decreases à bit. Lot of sadness.Went To a short walk outside.

9pm : Feel tired, go To bed with a book.

9pm To midnight: anxiety decreases

Midnight fell asleep

 

7.30 : woke up anxious, but less than yesterday!

 

 

--》Yesterday was a really bad day, lot of terror

--》 Nausea seems To disappear (yeah!)

--》Yesterday I managed To eat bananas and some dark chocolaté. I forgot To note it so don't know which time.

--》 So happy I slept for 7.30 hours without waking up! 

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sunnysideup69

Hi Errel, thanks for dropping onto my thread. 

You will heal, we all will eventually. In the meantime, we're going to learn some valuable self help tools, so that when we are finally ready to start tapering, we will be much stronger. You've already come off benzos, I see, which is a HUGE achievement.

 

Happy Friday :)

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Erell

Hi Sunnysideup 

Thank you! Yes, tappering benzos has not been an easy journey! Far away! I have to admitt I'm proud of quitting it!

I was really psychologically dépendant of benzo, always verifying if m'y little bottle was in my bag! 🤢

Now benzos are out of my life since 2 years, and it is a delicious taste of Freedom!

 

Courage, we are strong!

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Altostrata

Erell, it takes at least 4 days for a dosage to get to full effect. Please be patient. It looks like the 10mg paroxetine is gradually helping.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing.

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Erell

Hello everybody

 

Quick message To share you the fact that anxiety has decreased a lot. I'm not feeling good, but no terror wave Today,only anxiety. At least I can breath!

Still Feel sad and despair, but it also decreases a bit.

 

I'm so happy with this anxiety decreasing! 

I know that it Will take time To stabilize, but this is at least à huge improvment because terror waves is the worse symptom for me, the one I really don't know how To get through!

 

I wanna thank you all for your support which really helped me To live these past few days ! So Lucky To have you!

 

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Gridley
13 minutes ago, Erell said:

o share you the fact that anxiety has decreased a lot.

That's great news, Erell!

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

This morning I asked you this,

 

How are you feeling this morning.

Your reply:

Thursday 26th September :

 

On 9/26/2019 at 7:33 AM, Erell said:

4 am : woke up anxious, stayed in bed and read a book.

 

6.40 am To 7.40 am : fall asleep. Dream of sexual traumatic abuse. 

 

7.40 am a new day begin

 

 

8 am : 10mg Paroxetine 

9am To 10 am : fell asleep, weird and anxious dreams 

10am To 3pm really hard times, terror waves+++, despair +++, need To cry but can't, legs burning. Tried à short walk outside.

3pm To 4 pm spent the hour is a friends, she came To my flat. It was good to talk with somebody, even if anxiety was High.

4pm To 6 pm waves of terror and despair come back.

6pm To 8.40 pm anxiety decreases à bit. Lot of sadness.Went To a short walk outside.

9pm : Feel tired, go To bed with a book.

9pm To midnight: anxiety decreases

Midnight fell asleep

 

7.30 : woke up anxious, but less than yesterday!

 

 

--》Yesterday was a really bad day, lot of terror

--》 Nausea seems To disappear (yeah!)

--》Yesterday I managed To eat bananas and some dark chocolaté. I forgot To note it so don't know which time.

--》 So happy I slept for 7.30 hours without waking up! 

 

Not even a message!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You obviously do not need me any longer😭

 

Your english is very good but there is one word you use out of context " experiment " when it should be experience.

I will leave to look it up and you understand.

Alors mon petit choux you m'aidez avec mon francais si'll you plait.

Does any one say mon petit choux anymore in France?

 

Good job with diary.

Can you start and score your symptoms from 1 to 10.

This will allow us and you to evaluate your progress even better.

10 hours ago, Erell said:

dark chocolaté.

43mgs of caffeine in 100 grams of dark chocolate which can be activating, so in moderation and not before bed..

 

10 hours ago, Erell said:

 Dream of sexual traumatic abuse.

I assume this is related to your past Erell, if so I am very sorry.

Do you feel you can deal with it going forward.

If you wish to discuss and would prefer a female mod then I can ask.

 

Has your appetite improved today?

 

I am glad today has been better, but as Alto pointed out it will take at least a week before we can be sure that the dose is right.

For the moment, enjoy and keep talking to your new friends.

 

Sass

Edited by Sassenach
delete unnecessary text

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Erell

Hi Sass 

Oh no I still need you!!! I'm sorry I just wanted To not overwhelming you with too much messages!!! I felt Guilty by posting too much here.

 

1. Ok I Will use "experience" now 😉

At least my English Will be better ! 

 

2. Ok I'm gonna start To evaluate my symptoms, great idea !

 

3. "Mon petit chou" can be said in French ;)

 

4. Oups, I did'nt know about caféin in dark chocolate, thanks for telling me!!!

 

5.about my traumatic past  : I won't discuss it here, so your support is already exactly what I need, no matter if you're a man :)

I avoided this subject for many years, living like if nothing never happened. Now I understand it is a part of my problems. I plan To find a therapist to work on this, but in a few weeks, right now I don't Feel strong enough To cope it. One day, one battle! :)

 

6. My appetite did really improved Today! I even think I eat too much : I must be gentle with my stomach after 1 week with bananas! 

 

7. Yes I know that we can't be sure after only 3 days with 10mg.

Today anxiety stayed mostly at a lower level, which is incredibly better for me.

However,  I can't say I Feel good, I still struggle with symptoms 

- feel depressed

- lot of intrusive thoughts: i'll never Feel joy or happiness again, I'm convincted To live in this state, no one Will be able To love me because I'm a monster,...

- I Feel unable To imagine a pleasant futur

- strong apathy : interested in nothing, don't know what To do with my body, Feel like a stranger in this world like if I had no way get in real life and interact with people ( I  took a look To WD list of symptoms, maybe it is DR but I'm not sure)

- don't wanna interact with friends or family, don't see the point.

- Want To cry but can't 

 

Whow,  what a picture! However, I don't have suicidal ideas.

 

See Sass, I continue To write long messages 😉 and definitely continue To need you! Like I Said yesterday, I really Feel like à child who needs To be reassured...

 

Thank you for passing by, always happy To have a sign from you!!

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

26 minutes ago, Erell said:

Oh no I still need you!!! I'm sorry I just wanted To not overwhelming you with too much messages!!! I felt Guilty by posting too much here.

The emoji means it was a joke, a bad one.

30 minutes ago, Erell said:

.about my traumatic past

I am glad you know how you are going to proceed, will not be mentioned again.

33 minutes ago, Erell said:

However,  I can't say I Feel good, I still struggle with symptoms 

- feel depressed

- lot of intrusive thoughts: i'll never Feel joy or happiness again, I'm convincted To live in this state, no one Will be able To love me because I'm a monster,...

- I Feel unable To imagine a pleasant futur

- strong apathy : interested in nothing, don't know what To do with my body, Feel like a stranger in this world like if I had no way get in real life and interact with people ( I  took a look To WD list of symptoms, maybe it is DR but I'm not sure)

- don't wanna interact with friends or family, don't see the point.

- Want To cry but can't 

 

All of these are normal if unpleasant in W/D.

You beat benzos, you can beat this.

You will love and be loved, you are not a monster, W/D is the monster and the real you will reappear.

42 minutes ago, Erell said:

See Sass, I continue To write long messages 😉 and definitely continue To need you! Like I Said yesterday, I really Feel like à child who needs To be reassured...

Keep writing them, they are a good sign.

I hope you sleep well again and awake without terror.

 

Sass

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Erell
1 minute ago, Sassenach said:

The emoji means it was a joke, a bad one.

Oups, looks like I've lost my sense of humour! I'm actually watching a show from Blanche Gardin,  a wonderful French humourist, To force my brain To laugh and move away from symptoms !

 

Haha, I Feel like I'm trying any possible strategy To cope

For anxiety, I watch makeup tutorials on YouTube.. I don't even wear makeup, and not interested in, but the only big issue in these video is " which mascara Will I chose Today?". Strangely it soothes me 😄

Not sure I Will suggest this tool in the topic about nondrugs techniques 😉😅

 

I hope you're doing ok : you are so considerate towards us, hope you manage To put boundaries To protect you from our sufferings!

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Rhiannon

Erell, I am so glad to hear you are already experiencing some improvement. This happening so early in the process is a very good sign. Also the sleep, another good sign.

 

Don't be alarmed if the terror flashes come back, "waves and windows" is completely normal and you are still healing and moving forward. The same with any other symptoms that have been troubling you. Don't be alarmed if symptoms come and go, that is very normal.

 

I am NOT saying that they will come back, I hope you never see them again! I am only saying that if you DO have a bad day like that please do not despair, it is normal to have things come and go during the healing process. There are ups and downs but the overall direction is progress. In two or three months I think you will find things settling down.

 

I am encouraged by your progress and I know you are going to be fine. As you know from the benzo withdrawal, it is just going to take some time, but you can get there.

 

As far as the traumatic abuse, I also experienced such things in childhood. It is so much more common than anyone wants to admit. I have done a lot of work in therapy, and the skills and strength I have learned there have enriched my life in many ways. (In fact, those skills have definitely helped make it possible for me to escape from the psych drug prison I was in.) Take care of yourself, you will know when the time is right to take on this new journey.

 

So, three cheers from me for you! Good job! Keep moving forward! I will be away from the board for a few days, but I can see you are going to be fine. You are a formidable young woman and you are going to have a very interesting and rich life!

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Rhiannon
11 minutes ago, Erell said:

 

 

Haha, I Feel like I'm trying any possible strategy To cope

For anxiety, I watch makeup tutorials on YouTube.. I don't even wear makeup, and not interested in, but the only big issue in these video is " which mascara Will I chose Today?". Strangely it soothes me 😄

Not sure I Will suggest this tool in the topic about nondrugs techniques 😉😅

 

HA! No you have not lost your sense of humor.

 

I think you absolutely should suggest that tool. 🙂  To be serious, maybe not everyone will find that makeup tutorials are the best for them, but to watch something that is interesting but only mildly interesting to you and not full of drama or excitement, could be distracting and soothing without being overly stimulating, I think that's an excellent idea.  

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Erell
15 minutes ago, Rhiannon said:

As far as the traumatic abuse, I also experienced such things in childhood. It is so much more common than anyone wants to admit. 

I totally agree with you : in fact, when I was on a French forum during my benzo WD, I noticed that a lot of people mentionned sexual abuse. Don't want To make the generalization, but yes I actually think that these trauma lead us To medication. 

 

 

Thank you for all your sweet words, so comforting!

Good idea To be away from here for a few days : life goes on and you deserve To live it up!

 

Have a Nice weekend, say hello To ocean for me 😉

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Guilietta

Hello Erell,

 

How are you doing today. :) I have been thinking of you and been away from my computer so could not drop in earlier. We're having nice weather here so this lifts my spirits to no end! :)

 

I will write a bit more later - you really did so wonderfully to get off the benzos and heal from them. You will from this too. As Rhiannon said - different symptoms present themselves at different times. For instance, eary this year I had roaring tinnitus as one of the symptoms. I had not had brain zaps. However - in June I had my first brain zaps and then a few weeks ago. Tinnitus comes and goes since June - but nothing like earlier in the year. Isn't this interesting and a pain in the neck? ;)

 

Make up tutorials can be fun. I like to watch them too sometimes - and I also don't wear any/much make up nearly all the time.   There is a few good ones to make up like Marilyn Monroe. Didy ou know that she wore not just 1 or 2 colors of lipstick - but 6?

 

Have a good evening. I know it's about 9 or 10 in France.

 

Giuilietta

 

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Erell

Friday 27th September:

 

7.30 am : woke up anxious. Eat a banana.

8 am : 10mg Paroxetine 

11am : managed To go on drugstore To get Paroxetine for next month.

1.30 pm : eat some Rice with pesto

All afternoon anxiety, restlessness in legs, depression.

6pm : hungry, eat some Rice and pesto 

All evening: Feel really depressed,  no hope for the future.

9.30 pm : go To bed with a book 

10.40 pm really hungry, eat some raviolis

midnight fell asleep.

2 am woke up anxious because of a mosquito playing with me. Fell asleep.

 

7.30am woke up anxious ( 6)

 

(Wonderful) 0 <---> 10 (Hell on earth)

 

---》 no terror on Friday 

---》 Has I Said, it was a rough day because of depression symptoms. I spent the day between my bed and m'y couch, not knowing what To do, interested in nothing. However, this is a bit better than terror!

 

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Sassenach

Good morning Erell

Is it just anxiety rather than Terror this morning?

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Erell

Hi Sass

 

Yes it is High anxiety, no terror. With a lot of despair. 

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Erell

@Guilietta

 

Hi you!

Yes, so much possibility with symptoms 😮😮😮

I'm so sorry I'm not in a good mood : illi'll try To write you more later.

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Guilietta

Hello there,

 

This too shall pass..... 😉

 

I am thinking of you.

 

Giuilietta

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Erell

Hi Guilietta!

 

Thank you for your understanding, you're so kind!

I really Will write you more soon, but for now surviving antidépressants is a really tough thing. 

 

I hope you're doing ok! 😙

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

Sounds as though you have had a bad day.

Has the anxiety eased yet?

 

Sass

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Erell

Hi Sass!

 

My day is really weird..anxiety has decreased, I have appetite, i've been able To take 2 walks outside..and I still Feel bad with despair .

This is really silly : there are improvments, for sure. No terror, High anxiety this morning but lower then...and it's like if I was unable To appreciate the change! Weird no?

 

I'm wondering if unconsciously I was not expecting a miracle on day 4...silly hein?

 

 

I don't like myself when I'm complaining like this. But I want To complain. Think I'm going through depressed feelings.

 

I hope you won't think I'm an idiot person...

 

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Erell

Actually, I think I suffer from impatience. I know I have To be patient. I keep telling myself : " you're so Lucky To Feel better this evening than this morning, you're so Lucky for Being able To quit your flat twice Today, you're so Lucky..."...But I still Feel despair.

 

Its been a month in hell, and I think I'm tired.

 

BUT, I don't have suicidal ideas, and I do know I'm Lucky for it!

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Sassenach

 

 

11 minutes ago, Erell said:

But I want To complain.

Complain away, I can always ignore you👿

 

7 minutes ago, Erell said:

Actually, I think I suffer from impatience.

I am  fairly sure that is true, but you will learn patience once the anxiety and anger leave you, and they will leave when they are ready.

 

17 minutes ago, Erell said:

 

I hope you won't think I'm an idiot person.

You are certainly no idiot and everything you are experiencing is normal in W/D.

You know that, but we all need to be reassured during the early stages of these changes.

How well did you sleep last night?

What symptoms do you have right now?

 

Sass

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Erell

Oh you're so considerate! Yes you're right, I need To be reassured right now. 

Even if I know that it Will take time To stabilize. 

 

Last night I slept Well! I'm Lucky for this.

 

Right now I Feel: sad, hopeless, lonely.

 

I think this also is because I had some text Today from friends and family Today. I know I should Feel Lucky for not being alone,  but everytime I receive a message saying "it's really weird that you're not going Well for son long" , it reminds me how I messed up my life.

 

 

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Sassenach
3 minutes ago, Erell said:

it reminds me how I messed up my life

You really need to stop saying this, you did not mess up.

The doctors messed up, the drug companies messed up, and life circumstances also contributed.

You are fighting back, try and relax, legs up the wall, you are doing ok 3/4 days in.

Some people wait weeks for a sign of improvement.

Don't forget you said you would post to Guiletta.

Tomorrow is another day, who knows what it will bring, one step closer to recovery.

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Erell

Thank you Sass, I don't know how I would do without you and this forum.

 

I don't forgot Guilietta, I just would like To tell her pretty things.

 

Have a great night,  take care of you!

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Sassenach

Good night

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carefulprayerful

Erell, 

 

It is good to read some of your symptoms are going down already!  I hope that you are getting some good sleep right now!  

 

Je viens de chercher une vidéo de Blanche Gardin. Elle est rigolo!  En plus elle sait comment ne pas sourire a ses propres blagues.  On ne peut pas dire autant sur Gad Elmaleh. :)Il était très a la mode quand j’habitais en France et il s’est transporté aux Etats-Unis depuis.  (Je me rappelle qu’il a dit que quand ils faisait l’amour avec une fille américaine et elle disait “Oh my God” il se sentait comme un dieu.) J’ai fait mon Erasmus à Paris.  

 

J'espère que ce jour passe plus facilement pour toi!  Tiens bon!  

 

CarefulP

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Erell

(Wonderful) 0 《---》 10 (hell)

Saturday 28 Sept :

 

7.30 am woke up anxious (anxiety : 6 / despair : 5 )

8 am 10mg Paroxetine 

10 am To 11 am fell asleep, 1 hour nap

11 am woke up anxious ( anxiety : 7 / despair : 7)

3 pm eat raviolis

12.30 To 6 pm anxiety : 5 / despair : 5

6pm : after a quick walk outside, i feel 

really hungry, eat 2 tuna-egg sandwiches

7pm To 8 pm huge wave of despair ( despair : 8) : can't stop crying, hopeless, intrusive thoughts, i'll never be able To go through this....

9.30 pm go To bed with a book. 

1 am fell asleep.

From 8pm To 1 am anxiety and despair decrease. I finish the day with anxiety and despair at 3.

 

 

 

--》 I  read on the forum that some others experience this kind of ' toxic nap'. So no more nap ;)

--》 I sleep Well, and for that I Feel so grateful.

--》 I had a lot of trouble To concentrate on books. I'm a huge Reader, and it often is my way To escape. I'm really grateful : yesterday night I was able To concentrate on my book! I think this is why I fell unusually asleep after midnight : too happy To read again !

--》 I also Feel grateful for Being able To cry yesterday, even if it was a huge moment of despair. I really needed it.

--》 @Sassenach : when I  wrote To you yesterday, I was in the huge wave of despair. I wanna apologize To you. 

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Sassenach

Hi

How are you feeling this morning?

Is the anxiety as bad as yesterday?

Sass

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Erell

Hi Sass!

 

I woke up anxious at 8am..with the alarm! Anxiety is at 5, I can tolerate it. It is better than yesterday!

Plus, despair is very low, I would say at 3.

 

It is a stormy weather here, and I love it! Watching from my bed ;)

 

 

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Sassenach

Good enjoy the day, will catch up this evening.

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Erell

Thank you Sass, hope you Will have a sweet day.

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Erell

@carefulprayerful : oui, Blanche Gardin me fait beaucoup rire! C'est une femme forte qui assume qui elle est!

Humm Gad Elmaleh : je suis surprise que tu dises qu'il marche aux États unis: ici il y a eu un scandale quand les gens se sont aperçus qu'il piquait toutes ses blagues à des humoristes américains!

 

 

Thank you so much for coming here, support is so important!!!

😙

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Sassenach

Hi Erell

 

Gaebbi could do with a friend if you are feeling well enough.

 

Sass

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