Rrsfc: a lot of drugs later some stabilization

[hayduke]

On 3/29/2022 at 10:21 PM, Rrsfc said:

I feel really accomplished by having my party.

Happy birthday!  And well done.

I am going to have an extra huge one later cos I didn't get to hold one this year due to the pandemic and foul greenhouse effect weather.

🙂

[Blossom71]

Happy Birthday @rrsfc!!!!  💐

I hope you've had a good Birthday week x

[Rrsfc]

Thank you @Venkat, @hayduke and @Blossom71 for your birthday congratulations, 44 laps around the sun 😊. The party was a lot of work and I overdid some things, I've been exhausted and recovering slowly. But it was worth it, because I deserve to be celebrated for all the work I've put into my recovery this last few years, for all I have accomplished! On other note, this processing emotions work is so painful, I just feel like I need a break, I feel more tired than when I started running. I would run and walk and I grunted and panted but this is much worse. I almost certainly had repressed emotions, and they're starting to come out, or at least I don't repress them anymore. I react to everything, I have to analyse and reanalyse things in my mind, I journal A LOT. On the other hand when I successfully process the emotions I feel a deeper bliss than I felt before, and a deeper connection to myself, more understanding. I'm also finally adressing my insecurity, I became a very insecure person after being labelled a psychiatric patient. I feel I'm getting near the root, not quite there but near. Phase 1 was rebalancing body and mind Phase 2 is finding what needs to be healed and do the work.

I'm more around people these days but I feel alone, I don't speak much of my struggles. Perhaps I need to talk more about it... Fortunately I'll make just 3 more drops then a big hold untill October. I'm hoping things settle a bit more during the long hold. I've been feeling afraid a psychotic crisis is coming this year with so many emotions and things happening... I talk a lot to myself and sometimes this deep communication feels like the voice I heard when psychotic. But it doesn't linger like it used to, it just dissipates if I choose to change my focus. Even afraid I'm determined to go on, let's see what comes next... Best wishes to you all, thank you for supporting me through this process, it really means a lot.

[BadMedicine]

Hi @Rrsfc. Sorry been meaning to reply sooner but I’ve had a busy week. I think you have done brilliantly to organise a party. That is a huge accomplishment and testament to how far you’ve come in your journey. 

 

The emotions are difficult to deal with but will settle down I’m sure over time. Firstly, they are probably amplified after being dulled by the drug for so long and secondly you will get better at dealing with them. Although you sound like you are already doing that very well. I think you are definitely on the right track to make it off this drug but it’s definitely not an easy ride for sure. And I completely understand your fear but unless you try you will never know whether it is possible to live drug free. 

 

 

[Rrsfc]

@BadMedicine thank you for stopping by, I needed that reassurance. Things are getting better, the weekend was uneventfull and I am very happy and grateful for everything I am still able to enjoy in my life. I never thought that I could be so happy, a few years back I thought my life was over. I've been thinking about "being med free". During my last taper it was really important for me to achieve that, to show people I was able to do that. Since then I just don't think about it anymore. I am doing this taper because I am afraid if I keep taking the drugs I'll develop a health condition in the future and I am very afraid of anything that can happen globally that compromises distribution of the drug, what if I can't get "my fix"? I've come to accept that I am owned by the pharmaceutical industry, and I no longer feel anger for this. I am happy living my life, in my mind I am already free, I don't need to prove anything to anybody. My body needs to be weaned though, and I am working toward that. To sim it up things are going really well, I have a good feeling about this taper. No sign of psychosis, everything getting back to normal, I'm hanging in here at least for now.

[hayduke]

Remember to take the time out to relax and unwind.

 

I can probably only do about 1/3 of what I ought to be able to by rights at the moment.  

Never be afraid to call in sick, or just stay home and get comfy if that's what you really prefer.

A few times I have had to miss things I really wanted to get to, but I'm not shy of excusing myself from duties I'm not objectively fit for, or just if I know it's healthier for me.  I skipped class last night for yoga, and I know it was the more responsible choice in the end.  I wanted to get to class, but my body needed the yoga.

There is so much I am impatient to do while I am on the planet, but I am getting better at prioritising and setting some things aside for later.  

Self care may be the primary skill to work on to complete a taper successfully.  No shame in putting your feet up when you feel the need.

Good on you @Rrsfc, it takes guts to do what you are doing.

[Rrsfc]

Thank you 

@haydukefor the encouragement ☺️. It's hard to learn to respect our limits, especially when they keep changing... Sometimes I feel inferior not being able to do what everyone else takes for granted, but I am working on accepting and loving myself for what I can do. And this gives me the motivation to do a little bit more each time... Slowly I'm getting there... Hope you have a wonderful day!

[Rrsfc]

Hi everyone, today is day 87 of my taper, day 15 after my 5th drop, presently taking 8,75ml of a 10ml solution of 2,5mg olanzapine, currently at 2,1875mg olanzapine.

 

So, I should be dropping another 2,5% tomorrow, but I chose to do a hold. There's a little trouble in paradise 🤣🤣. I am with my period and I tend to get very sensitive. I've been reading about the female archetipes and about intuition in this time of the month. I've been talking to myself a lot and friday when I was falling asleep I kind of summoned my inner guide and a voice (similar to my own) answered in my head. It talked extensiveley and I was a bit scared. Yesterday I spent the first half of the day fretting about this, and feeling an open channel. Let me explain, once an episode of hearing voices happens it's like a speed dial is activated in my brain and if I think about it the voice is present again very quickly. I am worried to know if it's there still, so I think about it and this keeps reinforcing the experience. And if I get engaged with the voice this experience in time takes hold of my life, it's very dangerous, I had several crisis and I was only able to get out with medication. My strong emotions of fear about this were making it even easier to open this "voice channel". I used mindfulness to deactivate it, I went for a walk and I focused on my bodily sensations, on nature, on an audio recording, on expressing and feeling my emotions. I was able to refocus and deactivate the channel because I went to dine out and totally forgot about it. I came home, went back to sleep and woke up today and nothing of the voice. Such a relief, I still don't know if it was psychosis or not but I'm afraid of it and to be safe I won't be asking help from any guides anytime soon 🤣🤣. I feel my brain might be in a sensitive place right now, so I'm holding 15 more days, and I reassess then if I continue to hold or drop a bit more.

 

It was a little adventure, but I am proud of my sensible behaviour, no one knows about this, I haven't shared. I am hoping the psychosis sufferers here comment on this experience, because it felt like psychosis but a very different experience from others I had. I definetely feel the channel is now closed, but I am a bit afraid it can come back again. I am so stable, so well, so happy, having a psychotic crisis this year would mean it's out of my control, all the work I did was inefective. But being able to deactivate the experience really blew my mind. I was able to do it before but I thought it was luck. Or perhaps it was not psychosis at all and I am overreacting. I thought about upping a dose but since it's gone I don't feel the need. I'll be vigilant though these next weeks...

 

So today I had a little bit of drama to share, but luckily nothing too difficult to handle apparently. Let me know your thoughts, thank you for your support. 😊

[hayduke]

Hi @Rrsfc.  Sounds like you're doing your best to stay calm and work through whatever phenomenon you are experiencing.  This is always a good skill to take to any challenging symptoms.  

 

I haven't investigated this resource here but it is often cited as helpful for people experiencing the sort of thing you are talking about.  https://www.hearing-voices.org/

I have also not looked into https://welldoing.org/types/internal-family-systems but it may be a complementary thing to consider.

Cheers

Edited April 10, 2022 by hayduke
More informative link to IFS info

[BadMedicine]

Hi @Rrsfc. Hearing voices is also one of my symptoms. When I first got ill it was out of control and although most of the time I knew they weren’t real, there were definitely times when I believed everything the voices told me. I believe this was definitely psychosis. The voices I have had more recently that were precipitated by dropping the medication were different to the initial symptoms like yours were. I never lost touch with reality save for hearing the voices so I also wonder whether what I experienced was psychosis too. Apparently hearing voices is quite common and is not necessarily a sign of mental illness. Many people live quite happily with voices and say they actually help them. Having said that mine don’t say very nice things to me so unless I can change the narrative I can’t live with them.

It sounds like you are scared of yours because you associate them with past crises where things have got out of control. However, this time you were able to stop them which is a great sign of progress. Having a spiritual guide/narrative that helps you out in a slightly different voice isn’t necessarily illness as long as it doesn’t spiral out of control or affect your well being. If you find it abhorrent then it is obviously something that needs to be controlled.

I also think that at this part of the taper the dopamine binding curves are quite steep so even though you are going slowly you are still at risk for supersensitivity reactions. Even though you don’t have any physical symptoms it might be wise, as you are doing, to hold for a bit longer to let everything settle down a bit.

Lastly, oestrogen is thought to be anti- psychotic so when you have your period levels drop which make us more vulnerable to psychotic episodes (if that’s indeed what you had) so that may be playing a role here too. An amalgamation of a number of risk factors all together.

All in all it sounds like you managed the situation really well and I think these blips are bound to happen. We are so vulnerable when we are reducing these drugs. Holding sounds like a very sensible plan of action for now. 

[Rrsfc]

Thank you @haydukefor the support. I am a part of the hearing voices movement you linked and internal family system therapy is very interesting, I'll check it out as soon as I can 😊. I believe conceptualizing our inner world as a family of different parts of ourselves is very interesting and deserves a thorough read. I had no other momentos besides what I had already described, everything is ok.

 

Thank you @BadMedicine for sharing your thoughts. I didn't have any more symptoms but somehow I feel there's something around the corner I must be vigilant, I have to be careful not to poke the bear 🤪. Thank you for pointing the oestrogen link, I didn't know that. I agree with everything you said, hearing voices is not in itself dangerous but it always ended up with me taking huge cocktails of drugs so I'm weary. I would love to have a guiding inner voice but first I have to be sure it won't escalate like other times. This is not the best moment to assess that, it might be too unsettling, so for now I'll try not to engage. You said your voices were not pleasant, I can share with you that as I evolved on my self-descovery journey the voice changed accordingly, I believe trying to understand the meaning behind the voice is very empowering. Not really what it says but why it is you might be hearing that, maybe it voices your fear, your frustration, other feelings or unmet needs. The hearing voices movement helped me reframe the experience better. So the voice I heard now and last year was my own inner guide/parts of me, I believe I am through with all the rest, it has been a long journey. The best way to deal with the voice for me was to keep calm and not engage, an "I know you're there but I choose to focus on something else right now" attitute. This was most effective, since if I felt emotions I got hooked, engaged, fed the cycle. And now I want to be present in my life not live fantasies in my head 🙄. 

 

After I read your comment I was reflecting on why psychosis happened in my life and I have a feeling it had something to do with nutrient depletion after my pregnancy. When stress came up 1 year later I had no resources to cope. Maybe you were depleted too from what you wrote previously. I had this idea learning about long term vegans that don't take Omega 3s and develop brain conditions when older. When I was pregnant I didn't have any knowledge about food and it's role on health, I ate poorly, had a lot of nausea 🤢. At present I take daily an omega 3 from unpolluted Algae among other things. I feel a bliss I never felt in my life, it seems some kind of fog has lifted. It was not the only change I made of course, but the right foods and supplements were a very important addition to my routine I'm sure. As time passes I believe even more strongly we are what we eat and food is medicine.

[hayduke]

Omega-3 changed everything for me too.  I have an aversion to seafood from childhood, so finding that hemp protein powder is full is of it was a godsend.  Really does help ground and settle a certain type of anxiety.  Just had a bowl of yogurt with a bunch in there actually.

[Rrsfc]

@hayduke I am glad you feel better with Omega 3s. You can also try ground flax seed, rich in Omega 3 ALA but a whole lot of other benefits. I take 1 table spoon a day besides the EPA DHA pills. Have you tried EPA and DHA pills? These are important too, because ALA needs to be converted to EPA and DHA to be used in our bodies and this conversion sometimes is not enough. So it's recommended for brain health a supplement with 250mg DHA and EPA daily besides the seeds, that's what I was refering to in the previous post. You should also check your blood levels from time to time. I will have to do that, I must be sure my supplements are getting me to the optimum level.

[Rrsfc]

I was just reading an article about Omega 3 and it said among 16 other things that it can prevent relapses in bipolar and schizophrenia, and that mentally ill people tend to have low Omega 3s levels. I can't seem to insert the link here but it's a healthline article "17 benefits of Omega 3s". So my theory about nutrient depletion being associated with my psychosis is gaining weight in my mind. Of course it's not the only factor but it might have been one of the triggering factors. And I also feel psychosis is like addition, once those neural pathways are established, it's easier to revert into that state than when you've never experienced psychosis. 

[BadMedicine]

@Rrsfc I agree with you about nutrient depletion potentially being a factor. You are right I probably was depleted as well. I pushed my body to the limit physically and wasn’t really fuelling properly to support it. My fruit and veg intake wasn’t nearly enough and I probably wasn’t eating enough protein to recover from the hard workouts. I prioritised crisps and biscuits as snacks over more nutritious alternatives like yoghurt and nuts. I have made some really big changes in my diet - fruit and veg intake has tripled if not more and I take magnesium regularly. I have some omega 3 but I am a bit haphazard at taking them. After reading the article you talked about I am going to make sure that I take it really regularly. It is high strength stuff so gives you your daily allowance. It’s a very easy thing that I can do that seems like it may have big gains.

 

Interesting that your voices changed during your journey of self discovery. I am almost certain that the bullying I experienced is responsible for the negative content of the voices I hear. It really affected my self esteem. When I first got ill the content of some of what I heard was directly related to how people had been treating me. The voice I had recently is a lot less contextual but the sentiment of how it felt that people were perceiving me remains. I’m hoping the EMDR will help with improving my self esteem and make me believe in myself as a person again. I hope that I will experience what you had and that resolution of these issues will either mean the voices never come back as I drop further or at least if I can’t get off medication without that happening then they at least get more positive.
Just wanted to say that it is so good to have people to talk to about this that understand. My family are great but they don’t really get it and are a bit uncomfortable talking about it so I tend to not bring it up.
 

[Rrsfc]

About the omegas, just be sure it's an unpolluted sustainable source. 

 

About the voices, I really believe the EMDR and addressing your emotions will help you move forward on your journey. It's important to give yourself permition to feel those negative emotions you bottled up and feel compassion towards the parts of yourself that were hurt. I can't be sure but I feel the return of the voices and the content of the voices are two different things. If your mind/body connection is unballanced you might get another episode but the content of the voices will be a reflexion of the unresolved issues at the moment of the episode. The more work you do on your psychological well being the more tolerable the voices will be, at least for me things have changed a lot. Of course these are only theories but you only have to gain investing on your emotional well being.

 

Yes, it's nice to talk about these issues with someone who understands. Society sees psychotic symptoms with fear and mistrust, it's too stigmatized so people just hide it. I was like that too but I luckily moved on, yet I understand, people just don't know what it's like and doctors, well, don't get me started 🤣. Some people that go through psychosis never come back from the medical cocktails, others don't take meds but are completely controlled by the experiences, they don't live a life I would like for myself. I don't know if I will have another crisis or not, I don't think about that. I just think everyday " what can I do today to advance my journey of self-improvement ?" Thinking about what you don't want may attract that exact thing to your life, I don't say there's an attraction law (or that there isn't), just that it seems more productive to focus on what you can do, not on imaginary negative outcomes or on what you have no control of. I had self-esteem issues like you and I remember the first time I noticed I was feeling better, it was when I started making my own beauty products, I felt so acomplished. I knew intuitively then than living a normal life was my healing, everyday victories  were the big goals of my life, patiently tackling one thing at a time. Today I'd rather think of improving my health, focusing on the positive actions I can take everyday. I don't think of myself as mentally ill, I just am a fragile being with needs that have to be met so I can be at my best. It's like a job, at the moment I am focusing on honoring and listening to my body's needs. This is so important, if we address our needs we can avoid being depleted and susceptible to mental breakdowns. Timing meals, knowing what to eat at every moment, Timing and doing exercise, work, chores, rest, recognizing stress and anxiety and using the right strategies to control that. I pushed myself unnecessarily to the point of getting too tired, too anxious, too desperate and depleted, I never learned to relax and listen to my body. My mother is a very anxious traumatized person and I never learned emotion or nervous system regulation, these are very important skills to master. After all the crisis I had to rebalance myself and now I am finally confident to demand again of myself, but I have to be careful no to demand too much. Balance, always balance. It's never too late 😊. Today I participated in my first buddhist online meeting and it felt like taking one more step on my self-descovery journey. I am deeply grateful for everything I have in my life at the moment and the past it's just that, history. All we have is the present moment, se have to enjoy it and make the best se can with what we've got. Thank you for stopping by, feel free to post whenever you feel like talking, I enjoy our little talks too.

[Rrsfc]

Please help!

 

Hi everyone, I am having trouble with my taper 😔. Today I had mild psychotic symptoms again, they come and go. I try not to focus on them, but it's hard, I have been stressed and tired, I am currently holding at 2,1875, been in that dosage for 18 days.

 

My doubt is should I updose slightly right away (up 2,5% or 5%?) or hold for a few days to see if things settle and then updose if it doesn't get better. To sum up I had psychotic symptoms on friday night and they went away, came back today (thursday) a little more persistant although not yet always present like they used to. I am scared that things will escalate. I am soundly sleeping every night and there are no other withdrawal symptoms. What do you think I should do? I'm not asking you to decide for me but to help me by contributing with your point of view so I can decide the course of action I will take. My actions will be my own responsibility of course.

 

I'm so incredibly frustrated, but it is what it is 😔. Thank you for your help!

[hayduke]

You could see if 2.2 goes any better for you @Rrsfc.  I found the slightest updose would alleviate these sorts of rough patches.

Sorry to hear you are having a bumpy time.  I would suggest that something might be coming up that wants to be dealt with, and visit your trauma therapist with it, perhaps to do EMDR.  You might be surprised how that sort of work can reframe what you are going through as an essential part of the healing process allowing you to release it and recover better.

 

Please let us know how you go.

P.S I was at a very similar dosage level when I started EMDR.  Hope you find some helpful relief here.

Edited April 13, 2022 by hayduke

[Rrsfc]

Thank you @hayduke for your support. Yesterday I went to sleep without symptoms, but before going to bed I had a lot of memories from previous crisis flooding my brain, I believe I am traumatized like you said. I do not only hear voices, I have somatic sensations too and these are weird because it's like someone else is controlling my body. I was feeling that in bed but it was soft, I was able to control my fear, I journaled a lot and I was doing belly breathing at the same time not focusing on the sensations and it went away, usually that didn't happen. I was able to sleep well. Today I woke up antecipating symptoms but there's nothing here, but I'll updose like you suggested because things are bumpy and a small updose can ease the ride. I have to work through my fear of a crisis and the trauma from previous psychosis, I am going to do the EMDR like you said, one of my therapist has that skill. I almost had a driving accident just now because I am a bit overwhelmed but I'm going to rest, drink chamomile tea, maybe some yoga, I don't know. I'll try to rebalance myself. My weight is also coming down like it usually does when I am in crisis, I believe that signals a bodily state I must try to deactivate. I am resilient and I will go through this, I suffered a lot on my previous crisis, never talked to anyone about it. Many times it was like being tortured, I believe the EMDR could be something helpful. Thank you again for being here for me it means a lot. 

[Blossom71]

Oh I’m sorry things are a bit rough for you @Rrsfc

I haven’t had experience of the kind of things you are experiencing at the moment so don’t have any words of wisdom other than, you are strong and resilient and you will absolutely find a way through this x

[Venkat]

Hi @Rrsfc

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Hayduke has suggested what would be good for you. We are all there for you. Just hang on as you have done previously many a time. Things will settle down soon.

[Rrsfc]

Thank your for your support @Blossom71. During the day I was able to rebalance myself and I'm feeling better 😊.

 

Thank you too @Venkat for stopping by and for your support. Yes, things will get better. This crisis is being much milder than the others I had, so I'm doing something right and things will work out.

 

I contacted my EMDR provider @hayduke, I told her I was psychotic and wanted to do EMDR but I would manage my own medication, didn't wanna hear about psychiatrists. 🤣 She is completely pro drugs, and she was worried about me so I will have to deal with the "you should see a psychiatrist" speech. Hopefully I am not too impatient the day I meet her. But I'm excited at the prospect, according to what I've read it's used successfully in psychotic patients too. I've been listing my trauma memories. I also did a "release everything" yoga session, it just blew my mind. I went for a walk, worked and did my usual stuff. The symptoms come and go but they're really mild. I feel I am not the same person as the last times in several ways and that the way I react to the symptoms os very important on the course things take. And that's good, so everything is going well. Hopefully with the tweak of the meds later everything will soon be over. For now I got this under control and things are going as well as they can go on these circumstances. Thanks for your time and support. Sometimes I get frightened, lonely, disorganized, but now I'm back online and I will see this through. 💪

[hayduke]

41 minutes ago, Rrsfc said:

I contacted my EMDR provider @hayduke, I told her I was psychotic and wanted to do EMDR but I would manage my own medication, didn't wanna hear about psychiatrists. 🤣 She is completely pro drugs, and she was worried about me so I will have to deal with the "you should see a psychiatrist" speech. Hopefully I am not too impatient the day I meet her. But I'm excited at the prospect, according to what I've read it's used successfully in psychotic patients too. I've been listing my trauma memories. I also did a "release everything" yoga session, it just blew my mind. I went for a walk, worked and did my usual stuff. The symptoms come and go but they're really mild. I feel I am not the same person as the last times in several ways and that the way I react to the symptoms os very important on the course things take. And that's good, so everything is going well. Hopefully with the tweak of the meds later everything will soon be over. For now I got this under control and things are going as well as they can go on these circumstances. Thanks for your time and support. Sometimes I get frightened, lonely, disorganized, but now I'm back online and I will see this through. 💪

 

This is why I always suggest people in our sorts of positions seek a trauma informed clinical psychologist. That's who I did EMDR with, and she was beyond doubt that the therapy she uses would get most people safely off drugs.  She left all the tapering to me (and of course S.A!) but walked me to the gate to zero and saw me safely step through.
 

Be prepared to find someone who can help you with your situation (maybe Open Dialogue, e.g.) if you do not "click" with this one.  Ideally her views on drugs will not get in the way.  Good luck 🙂

I think it's a really great sign in any case that you are proactively managing your symptoms.  How is the updose?

[Rrsfc]

The EMDR provider is a psychologist I know well, there are not trauma oriented clinicians available that I know of here. This is not also the moment to search for new people, I'll stick with the devil I know  for now 🤣. Seriously, I'll do the first session to see what's like and then ask her if she knows someone more trauma oriented... No one here practices open dialogue, here there's drugs, psychiatrists and cognitive behaviour psychologists. The more open psychologists are the ones I met in the hearing voices movement, but we have a different relationship, it would be weird having one of them as my psychologist. And they're not trauma oriented so... I'll try to find the right fix, don't worry. I'm very persistent once I set my mind into something.

 

I haven't updosed yet, because I take my medicine after dinner, in about half a hour. Tomorrow evening I should have a feel if something changed but it may take some days, it's a small updose. The symptoms though mild, manageable are very present, I can take my mind of it but briefly, this alone in the long run is taxing for the system. But they're mild, what a relief, at least for now. But I know better to trust things will stay this way, usually there's a slow escalation with changes in sleep. With the updosing I really hope to stop this process on the tracks. This is the time I feel better prepared to take this experience on, let's see how it turns out. Is it this time I will finally be able to not end up taking huge doses of olanzapine? I feel positive and I'll keep updating my thread. Whatever happens you will know... Thank you again for your support 😊

[BadMedicine]

Hi @Rrsfc. Sorry to hear that you are going through this now. I really hope the small updose works for you. These drugs are so powerful that just a small change can make quite a big difference. Nipping it in the bud before the symptoms take hold is definitely the right thing to do. Remember all your hard work that you have put in to get yourself to a better place and trust that it will help you through to the other side of this episode. You are very strong. I really hope you can get through this. You deserve it. 

 

[Rrsfc]

@BadMedicine thank you for your support, it means a lot 😊

 

Yay! 😊

 

I came here today to let you all know that the updose seems to be working, yesterday before bed and today I haven't had anything that I can consider psychotic or weird. I went jogging and my brain felt normal, I had a gathering with friends and everything went well. I went for a walk with a friend and we talked about very emotional things (she lost a loved one) and still everything allright. So I guess, victory! Even if it comes back it dos not escalate, things are improving not getting worse. Thank you everyone for caring, for supporting me through this difficult time of my life. It feels so good, I am so incredibly grateful and happy for being able to stop this episode, it was the first time I was able to do this. My self-esteem is through the roof today, all is well in my world. For me it was huge trusting that such a small updose would fix everything, I was so amazed when in such a short time I saw such improvement. But it was not all the updose, my groundwork of not engaging with the symptoms was really important too, if I had engaged it would be harder to disconnect from this state.

Today I feel more confident I will be able to see this through. I just upped 2,5%, so am taking 2,25mg at the moment. I will be holding this dose untill October, maybe I'll make another post meanwhile if I have more news to share or to answer comments. But yes, I think I made it through, I was able to safely reduce 0,25mg since January, it may be not be much but at this dosage it is a victory, I was never able to do that. Slowly I think I will make it. Thank you all, but especially @hayduke for your commitment to help us thrive. May you all have a wonderful weekend 😊

 

Feeling so grateful 🙏🥳🎉

[ChessieCat]

Just be careful not to overdo things.

 

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[Rrsfc]

@ChessieCat signature updated. That is good advice, I'll try to follow it although my life has been really full lately. Thank you for stopping by 😊

[BadMedicine]

Great news @Rrsfc! So glad you are OK. It’s amazing the difference a small updose can make, especially when combined with your self improvement. You should be very proud of yourself for getting through this. 
Hopefully the long hold now will give your brain time to really adjust so you can continue down further when the time comes. 

To those that don’t know 0.25mg reduction may not seem much but at this dosage even small reductions seem to make a huge difference so you have done really well to get down to this level. 
cheers, BM

[Rrsfc]

Thank you @BadMedicine 😊 I am so very happy. It's my 4th attempt at going down from 2,5mg, finally some success! Like you said it may not seem much for those that haven't gone through this process but I am very proud of myself for being able to come down even this small ammount safely. I feel more resilient and more confident that I will be able to get off this drug in my own time. I have been doing more yoga sessions and meditation to free my emotions and I'm really feeling the release, a better connection to myself. Besides my private daily practice I'm gonna start practicing yoga with a class 1x a week to be part of that wonderful energy and I'm considering purchasing a 7day program focusing on connecting to my inner self (Ascension). I also attended my first buddhist group session, something I've been wanting to do for a long time. Spirituality is a frightening theme for me, I had a lot of awful psychotic experiences related to that 🙄. I am starting EMDR soon too, to go through the psychosis memories that came to my mind these last few days. Now  everything is flowing very well, I'm just trying to savour each and every moment. I finally feel in touch with my essence, I've been disconnected from myself for so long. Thanks for dropping by and for the encouragement, all the best on your journey 😊

[Venkat]

Happy for you Rrsfc 👍

[Blossom71]

Way to go @Rrsfc!!!

I'm so glad you figured out what you needed to do to get things on the right track. 

This site is so amazing in giving us the tools, experience and support of others to allow us to figure out what the best way forward is.  It allows us to take charge of our own destiny and that is really empowering.

[Rrsfc]

Thank you @Venkat and @Blossom71 for your support. 😊.

 

I felt over the moon during the weekend and everything went well but yesterday I had  a psychotic moment in the morning and another in the evening. I was really discouraged by this, because I thought I had solved the issue with the updose.

 

But it's not as bad as it was before the weekend, I'm telling myself it will resolve itself in time. I thought about upping the dose again but I decided against it, let's see how the week goes by and then I'll decide. Today I still had no psychotic symptoms and I am also sick, sore throat and headache. 

 

So a bit discouraged, I feel I failed somehow even though it is not my fault. Not being able to tell my spouse is the worst thing, I told some friends the good news, now I will share the bad ones. Hopefully I'll get some support. Next week I'll start the EMDR, the psychologist called me to know how I was. She is not very supportive of my taper even though she tries to be, but it gives against what she believes. I would love to have a holistic healer working with me, but I haven't found anyone yet.

 

So I'm trying to stay positive and say to myself I will get through this but I am afraid. I feel vulnerable and a bit alone, I am a strong person but sometimes I just get tired of fighting...

 

[Blossom71]

12 minutes ago, Rrsfc said:

Today I still had no psychotic symptoms and I am also sick, sore throat and headache. 

 

@RrsfcBeing sick is likely to mess things up a little I'm sure, but no psychotic symptoms is still brilliant news and I hope it continues for you.

 

Be kind to your self. You haven't failed at all. It's not the end of your journey yet and you're still working you way through it. Brilliantly I may add!   

 

I'm sorry you can't share this with your spouse and I hope you get support from your friends.  I am the other way around. I can share with my husband but my friends don't really get it, so I can relate to feeling vulnerable and lonely.

[hayduke]

Can I reiterate a few things that might help - apologies if it sounds like I'm repeating myself (I might be!  ) 
 

- Give your nervous system time to adjust to your updose

- Anything that can settle your nervous system will be good now.  Yoga, epsom salt baths, walks in nature etc.  It sounds like you've been through a busy and stimulating patch, which can be fun until your wd-sensitised nervous system realises it needs to stop and rest

- If meditation has been triggering for you in the past, maybe save it until later when you're feeling steady, and watch cheesy movies or something instead 🙂  Steven Seagal films or something here, you will have your faves!

- I think if you are experiencing things as 'psychotic', you will want to work out the nature of what is emerging and how to handle it safely.  Again this is something a trauma informed therapist is generally who you want to hold your hand while you work through it
- Have a listen to Claire Weekes on the "second fear" - your symptoms you are experiencing won't really do you any great harm before you can get to therapy, and if you can practice reining in spiralling anxiety from them and stay safe and in supportive company you will be fine.  Even if it feels overwhelming occasionally, keep surfing and stay afloat.

So I suggest a quiet week filled with all the self care and relaxation you can muster.  Call in sick at work, cancel anything social you don't want, get someone else to do/deliver/cook the groceries etc and just try and stay grounded.

 

Cheers

Edited April 19, 2022 by hayduke

[Rrsfc]

@Blossom71 thank you for the encouragement, I ended up having some symptoms yesterday, but I'm learning how to cope, to deal and use them as informative on things I need to improve in my life. I ended up having a bit of support and it felt good.

 

@hayduke thank you for your suggestions. I've been revisting the work of Claire Weekes and I believe what she says also applies to psychosis. The mind creates these states and we just have to learn to live with them without anxiety, without attachment. I am trying to accept and float like she explains. I saw a little of Netflix too and it took a little of the edge off. I also did yoga but being sick it was not very good. I don't have any issues meditating, I do it many times. Yes, it's  been a stimulating time and my brain is tired. But I feel I need to move further everyday, rest but also move forward on my healing journey, because I am afraid of what will happen if I stop and it gives me something to focus on.

 

Yesterday was a difficult day, I rested a lot. I wanted to walk in nature but it was really windy and I was not feeling well enough. I had to deal with my fear of the symptoms escalating and my physical sickness, I tried to remain positive throughout the day even though sick and in a low mood. I was able to do that most of the time. The day went by uneventfull, some symptoms but nothings serious. I am trying to use these symptoms as information about myself, about what needs to be worked through. I am also trying not to make a big deal of them, I don't let them affect me. I just go through it and forget about it. I am searching for a new therapist and I'm also considering trying some energy therapies, starting with an aura reading. These things are a bit anxiety provoking but I need to continue moving forward and I believe this is the way. My spirituality needs to be addressed, I had a lot of symptoms related to that, a lot of fears. It's time to find some relief by learning more. I just must be careful to go slow enough not to poke this fears too much, worsening my symptoms. I slept well and that reassured me that my symptoms are not getting out of control. Today I will definetely go walking in nature. Let's see what the day brings, I hope it's a good one. Thank you for all the support. I am not feeling my best but I am not feeling desperate, so that's good. I have to accept these symptoms might be here to stay at least for a while, like an inner guide. Last time I was so frightened I took 5mg olanzapine, this time I'm trying to be more patient and more open, let's see what happens. The memories of previous crisis are coming a bit too and that is not reassuring, I'll have to work through these issues.