Fightinghard: overcoming

[Fightinghard]

@Hanna72Thank you so much for your kind words and support!  It’s such a crazy process we go through.  Last weekend I. was walking my dog thinking about how much better I was feeling. I wasn’t ‘normal’ but I felt so good.  Then all of the sudden I get hit with this intense wave.  Probably my my worst one since early July.  I’ve just felt more alert and unrest.   I guess you could say anxiety but not completely.  I do believe though these current symptoms are less intense than the first time around.  So I do think I’m healing.  The sleep issues are just hard.  They complicate the other symptoms. Overall, my symptoms right now are feeling a little down and tired. Weak and not very motivated.  I’m also anticipating the day will be hard feeling like this which just feeds the problem. I’ll keep busy today but I’ll try not to overdue it. 
 

thank you again!  How are you doing?  
 

[mstimc]

32 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

hank you so much for your kind words and support!  It’s such a crazy process we go through.  Last weekend I. was walking my dog thinking about how much better I was feeling. I wasn’t ‘normal’ but I felt so good

Hi Fighting

 

Hang onto this thought while you're in your wave.  You know you can feel better and your know you've made tremendous progress compared to a few months ago.   You can be perfectly healthy but catch a cold--but the cold won't last forever  Its's just a bump in the road.  A wave is just a bump in your recovery.  You'll have a window before you know it!

[Hanna72]

@Fightinghard

yes it’s so true that not getting good sleep can really throw us of. 
I am doing good thank you for asking. Still have more healing to come, but it’s all heading in the right direction. 
Remember that it’s ok not feeling motivated all the time, resting is also very important. Don’t be hard on yourself, your body might just be giving you signs that it needs rest. I also would like to tell you that in my own experience with waves, they are always followed by beautiful windows. So keep that in mind 🙏

 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc Thanks for the support! I’ll keep focused on the good times.  The good thing is I’ve typically had short waves and windows so hopefully I get back to a window soon!   

[Fightinghard]

The wave continues. I thought I might come out of it some yesterday. Saturday night I slept about 7-8 hours of broken sleep.  I woke up twice but fell back to sleep reasonably fast. I also took a short nap yesterday while watching football. Maybe 20-30 minutes?  I didn’t get the increased surge of anxiety afterwards I usually get but I didn’t feel good either.  I felt off last night. In the past when I’ve slept longer I tend to feel more down.  Early on it was a depression almost. Now it’s just maybe sad?  Less motivated?  Last night I slept some maybe 5-6 hours but it felt very light. Some dreaming but just light.  I’ve had this before as I look back through my thread. I’m more anxious right now and not feeling great but I guess the mornings haven’t felt good since April. 
 

I’m back in the phase of searching up success stories for hope.  I’ve read over several of them and it sure helps to see the successes. I’m about 4.5 months into this.   I know I’ve made progress.  These past few days the increased cortisol symptoms of tight chest, anxiety and less sleep have ramped up.  Also, my sensitivity to sound has increased some.  A little less emotions in general.  I have to stay patient.  
 

Reinstatement crosses my mind in the down times.  I’m outside the Ideal window now.  When I logically weigh it out I know it probably doesn’t make sense for me.  I have to stay the course and wait this out.  
 

WD has been hard the entire time.  I think this wave is harder than previous ones so I’m struggling. I’ll make it through. My experience says a window is coming.  Hopefully soon. I’ve also seen small improvements after each wave.  Hopefully I’ll inch forward again in the next few weeks.  
 

Sorry to ramble today.  I’m feeling frustrated as many of us have. How can his be?  I was given these meds to help anxiety and sleep and now I’m in this mess for who knows how long?  It’s so surreal to me.  I’ll get through it.  I’ll stay focused.  One day at a time.  

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Fightinghard said:

 I’m feeling frustrated as many of us have. How can his be?  I was given these meds to help anxiety and sleep and now I’m in this mess for who knows how long?  It’s so surreal to me.  I’ll get through it.  I’ll stay focused.  One day at a time.  

Fighting, these meds are the very devil.  Recovery is a rocky roller coaster ride.  It'd be nice if we could get off after a couple of rides, but only time and patience seem to be way off.  Each day is one more closer to complete recovery.  

[Fightinghard]

There’s really no other way to describe them. Just awful. I’ve had days like this during this process. I know it’s temporary. Eventually I’ll get some relief and continue to heal. 
 

So on a positive note, I just ran a half mile or so in 6 minutes. I decided not to live in fear of ‘what if’ exercise makes me worse?  It’s always been a source of enjoyment and escape. So I walked 3 miles and ran a half.  My initial feeling are I feel good but I’m on this seesaw of feeling wondering which way it will tip. I believe that it will help me if I can start exercising a little harder. 
 

It’s interesting that I realize time is truly what determines recovery. Outside of that, you can try to mitigate the symptoms with supplements and good self care but really it’s time. This is where acceptance becomes critical.  When you have no control over the outcome is truly a test of faith.  I believe I will recover.  It will be difficult among the way but it’s worth it. 
 

thanks as always for your insight and support!

[mstimc]

You will absolutely recover! And I encourage you to keep doing the things that make you feel "normal", even in a wave.  They keep us grounded in reality.   I've been taking an online life visioning class and one thing really hit me:  The universe will give you what you're interested in, even if what you're interested in isn't what you want.  If you expect recovery, it will come to you.  If you let the negative thoughts control your life, you'll get more of those, even if those aren't what you want.  Its a very simple yet powerful idea, and helps me deal with the times I want to slip back into negative ruminations.  So keep running!

[Fightinghard]

Thanks for sharing this!  I do believe in this idea and frankly have lost my way.  Have you read ‘the secret’ ?  Very similar thought process.  If not there’s also a Netflix movie on it.  
 

Personally I’ve had 2 ‘mantras’ I’ve lived by before all this started.. 

 

‘you can either think you can do something or you can think you can’t; either way you’ll be right.’  I think Henry Ford said this.  
 

‘You have to see it, to be it’. Meaning you have to visualize what you want to get regardless of what it is. 
 

i would share these thoughts with younger people trying to find there way.  I guess I should be using it on myself!  
 

Thanks for all of the encouraging thoughts and for steering me back on the right course!  I have to start writing down what I want and seeing it again.  If I focus on what I don’t want, I’ll keep getting that.  I’ll do this.  One day at a time.  
 

onward!

[mstimc]

Again, great attitude and response, Fighting.  I haven't seen The Secret but I did a lot of affirming reading and practices during recovery.  We all need to see some supportive information during this process.

 

[Fightinghard]

I debated whether to post something today.  I’ll explain more later why... I’m still in my wave that started last week.  My pattern before this wave has been a few days of a wave followed by a small window.  I hadn’t had the continuous stretch of ‘wave’.  The worst of this wave has been the morning cortisol/sleep issues.  Muscle twitches, some melancholy, memory, motivation and sound sensitivity are present as well.  I’d say my overall pattern of sleep is not much worse if it is;  sleep about 5ish hours give or take and maybe fall asleep for another 1-2.  Last night I really didn’t fall asleep after waking because the cortisol spikes hit harder than usual.  I’ll make it through today.  
 

i decided to post because I’m starting to take a new approach to my WD.  Last night before bed I may have had a small window where I meditated for about an hour or so but my focus was on being recovered or healing.   I believe that I have had some recovery.  My morning spikes generally aren’t as bad as the first few months.  My fear and panic have greatly reduced overall.  I spent most of last night seeing myself recovered and acting recovered.  I have to say, I felt good last night doing it.  This morning it’s harder; my cortisol is obviously high.  I feel agitated and disappointed.  But I will continue to focus on my recovery.  
 

So the debate I had was if I post, am I taking a mindset of being inWD?  Meaning am I seeing myself recovered?  I guess I decided to because  I think Posting about recovery is being in a recovered mindset. At the end of the day, I know I will continue to recover with the typical patterns of windows and waves.  I know I’m already recovering and things will only get better as time goes on.  
 

@mstimc I appreciate your advice with regards to visualization.  As hard as WD can be, I do have a choice on how to view the process. 

onwards! 

[mstimc]

10 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

This morning it’s harder; my cortisol is obviously high.  I feel agitated and disappointed.  But I will continue to focus on my recovery.  
 

So the debate I had was if I post, am I taking a mindset of being inWD?  Meaning am I seeing myself recovered?  I guess I decided to because  I think Posting about recovery is being in a recovered mindset.

Hi Fighting

I think if posting here lets you release some of your anxiety, then its a good thing.  Sometimes just the act of typing out your thoughts or feelings is therapeutic.  The morning spikes you're getting are purely physical; if you can ignore them or just accept that they come and will subside, you'll be doing great.  They'll fade away by themselves as you recover.

 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimcThanks for the thoughts!  I think you’re right.  Its a nice outlet and safe environment with people that understand. Truly I need to stay away from reading other threads with the exception of successes or improvements.  I tend to look for similar stories to see the progress. Bad idea.  Many are struggling as am I.  One thing that I am seeing is mindset does contribute to outcomes. At least that’s my perception.  I’ve thought logically that if we believe certain interventions or supplements can have placebo affects on WD symptoms, doesn't that imply a level of psychosomatic influence?  Not that WD is all psychosomatic, but that it is influenced by our thoughts and mindset.  My cortisol spikes are going to resolve over time as my body heals.  But if my mindset is negative, will it prolong this?  So reading stories of struggle begat thoughts of negative feelings for me. So today I will focus on successes only. I’ll reduce my stress and move forward. I’ll continue to post for the therapeutic benefits for me. 
 

thanks!  Hope you are well!  How’s your health anxiety going?  I found a really helpful podcast on anxiety in general called ‘the anxious truth’. Actually, I read it on coldturkeymama’s success thread.  I find it very helpful and informative.  Thought I’d share. 
 

craig
 

 

[mstimc]

Thanks for the share, Fighting!  My health anxiety is much better, as always happens after I give myself a chance to put things back into perspective.

 

Yes, I agree--concentrating on success stories and getting the right support is vital.  There are some members here--and many more in the WD population--who are absolutely convinced their WD symptoms are worse than anyone else's and they'll never recover.  And they're right.  They won't recover unless recovery is what they look for, instead of affirmation of how bad their symptoms are.  I don't say that to be mean or to suggest their suffering isn't real, but its an extension of the negative thought patterns that put them on meds in the first place.    You get what you're seeking. 

 

Once I caught myself falling into the health anxiety trap, I consciously moved into acceptance and letting it pass.  Now I'm at the point where, unless I remind myself I have a bum dental implant and an achy side, I forget all about them.  That's happening more and more every day.  It sounds so simple, and yet its so powerful--maybe that's why some people have such difficulty accepting it--the anxious mind wants to make things as complicated as possible to hang onto power.   Flooding it with positive affirmations robs its power. 

[Fightinghard]

Great to hear you’ve got a handle on your health anxiety!  Managing anxiety is so simplistic yet so difficult.  Especially GAD.  
 

i couldn’t agree more with your assessment.  We can exacerbate and perpetuate really any condition if we focus on the negative. Again, not trying to diminish the extreme pain and difficulties WD presents because I know first hand but how we react to it will influence our recovery.  
 

Time for me to continue to recover....one day at a time.  
thanks!

[Fightinghard]

This past week has been pretty typical of my WD experience.  The wave I was in last week did diminish some and I had a few better days.  Maybe not the really nice windows I’ve had but not the really dark wave either.  Sleep wise, overall, my’ average’ night are sleeping stretches of 5-6 hours with more and more nights closer to 6 of not more than 6.   Some nights I fall back to sleep for another hour or so but today typically it’s not great sleep   A free mornings this week I had very little morning anxiety off at all which was nice.  
 

Last night was not a good night;  I woke up after about 4 or so hours and really hardly slept afterwards.  Some very light sleep but that’s because of the cortisol surges. I’m not surprised.  I had a busy workday and a pretty emotional day overall. My 102 year old grandmother passed away yesterday and I also found out my brother had COVID.  He seems ok so far.  Its a lot to  process under normal circumstances so frankly I’m surprised I slept at all. I’ll be okay but like everything it takes time.  
 

My current daily symptoms:

- anxiety

-early morning cortisol surges/insomnia.  
-fatigue?  Sometimes I get a weird sensation on my limbs and stomach.  Kind of tired like but not totally.  I think it’s more anxiety driven plus when I’m really active.  

-low mood and motivation

- noise sensitivity:  it seems to be dropping off.   Is much better than last week. 
-heart palpitations:  I think they’re gone and only lasted a few weeks

-tight chest in the afternoons but probably really just anxiety. 
-  memory and cognition.  It’s better than 2-3 weeks ago but still evident

-really no depression.  A few sad days and moments but generally ok.  
-tics- much less. If it was happening 10 times a day maybe now it’s 2.  
-low libido
 

I continue to slowly recover.  While I’m having a set back and I guess more of a wave progress is happening.  Last night I was not in the best of places but yet I had moments of’ normalcy’. I actually struggled with do I feel bad or not?  Sometimes I’m so used to having a bad feeling that when I don’t I’m kind of waiting for it.  It didn’t feel right.  My true windows are clear.  These in between moments are probably more of my WDnirmal place because I’m having that more as well.  I’d likei don’t feel terrible but I’m not good either.  
 

I’ll keep moving forward.  It’s interesting in that now when I’m in a wave I can actually look forward to a short reprieve in my next windows since I know it’s coming.  One other thing that may be coincidence in my bad night but I have reduced my Vitamin c.  Yesterday I only took 500mg in the morning.  Today I’ll try my 1000mg again 2 times today. 
 

this isn’t easy but I’ll keep moving forward.  I’ve read most success stories and I know that I will heal.  I’m not quite at 5 months yet so I’m still on the short side in this process. The positive is my bad night a free months ago were much worse so I am improving. 

[mstimc]

3 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

I actually struggled with do I feel bad or not?  Sometimes I’m so used to having a bad feeling that when I don’t I’m kind of waiting for it.

Hi Fighting

 

This goes back to the idea that the universe will send you what you're interested in.  The fact you keep your focus on the positives will go a long way in your recovery.  We all have bad days (or nights) but they're just that--single occurrences that don't mean anything in the long run.  You should take justified pride in all the progress you've maide! 

[Fightinghard]

Thanks @mstimc!    Great point!  Other than last night, I’ve been listening to ‘the Secret’ before bed.  Really working on visualizing myself recovered and’ normal’.  I have to determine my new ‘normal’ for sure.  I’m not clear about what I want  and I focus on what I don’t want.  I end up getting what I don’t want.  
 

I’ll make it through this. The timeframe is unknown. What I do know though is things will continue to get better even when it may not seem like it is. I’ll hang on to the good moments as much as I can. Each month I’m closer. I’m encouraged overall that my sleep pattern is improving with more and more days of close to 6 hour stretches.  Considering I was probably about 7 hours or so before this started I’m not far away.   I’m recovering for sure. 
 

 

[Meerkat]

Hi Fighting, I'm so sorry youre going through this. I'm on about the same trajectory as you...coming up to 6 months off of a FT/CT from a short course on lexapro. Although our med history is much different, I can see a lot of similarities in our journey. I was definitely seeing improvement with sleep and anxiety before entering this last wave. Its been a long one but I know it will end. I really appreciate your positive outlook reading through this thread. It gave me a little boost that I needed. I read the Secret years ago, but I'll be pulling it out again tonight. Sincerely wishing you the best.

[Fightinghard]

@Meerkat  Thanks for your kind words!  Sorry to hear you’re also going through this difficult process.  It’s not always easy but my experience so far has been staying positive and focusing on recovery has helped me through some tough times. Many times I have to’ fake it’ but I guess whatever it takes.   There will be a bunch of ups and downs along the way but at some point this will end for everyone.  

[Fightinghard]

It seems my symptoms are slowly changing this past week or so. I was in a strong  wave there for a week or 2 and now things seem calmer. Maybe more of a window but not exactly how I’ve interpreted a window before. When I review my threads and notes from the past few months I can see several symptoms have really dropped off and others are either almost gone or much less intense. Yesterday was one of those days where I was not sure how I felt.  I was a little off though but not feeling terrible.  Slightly dizzy? A little nauseous?  At the same time I had very little interest in WD meaning my attention was elsewhere most of the day.  
 

Over the past week or so I’ve had less mornings with anxiety and that ‘doom and gloom’ feeling.  Almost a calm feeling some mornings.  My sleep has changed somewhat. I’m still getting about 6-7 hours on average but it’s broken. I wake up 2 times but I am able to fall back to sleep.  I’m been taking magnesium glycinate before bed and with each wake up.  I’ve been doing this for months now so it’s hard to say if it helps or not.  
 

So whether I’m in a wave or a window or if this is my current norm, it’s a little better than the past few weeks had been.  
 

My symptoms:

-anxiety, cortisol spikes

- broken sleep

-mild dizziness and nauseous?  
-maybe melancholy?  Not much

-Back pain is here again.  It comes and goes each week.  

 

It seems my ‘tics’ and noise sensitivity are almost gone.  I haven’t noticed them much.  Also, I used to have a ‘nervous cough’ which has now subsided.  I think once my sleep gets a little better I’ll really start to improve.  I’m encouraged I have less and less nights of less than 5 hours total sleep and really most nights I’m over 6 total.  It’s not great sleep but it’s definitely trending better. 
 

Next week is a big week for me.  We rented a beach house for Thanksgiving this year with all the COVID concerns.  We’ll drive 10-11 hours to get there and spend the week. So between the drive and just the change of scenery it will be a challenge for me but one that I need to do.  I’m looking forward to going but I am a little nervous about the changes.  Truly my only concern is I’ll set off a wave.  But I have to test myself and realize I’ll be Okay regardless of what happens. I need to keep visualizing my great week at the beach!  
 

I’ll keep moving forward.

 

 

[mstimc]

3 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

Next week is a big week for me.  We rented a beach house for Thanksgiving this year with all the COVID concerns.  We’ll drive 10-11 hours to get there and spend the week. So between the drive and just the change of scenery it will be a challenge for me but one that I need to do.  I’m looking forward to going but I am a little nervous about the changes.  Truly my only concern is I’ll set off a wave.  But I have to test myself and realize I’ll be Okay regardless of what happens. I need to keep visualizing my great week at the beach!  

In the middle of WD and recovery, I found vacations much more relaxing than I thought they'd be.  I think being in a new place and having your attention refocused off yourself is therapeutic.  I looked at them as giving myself permission to take a vacation from my anxiety--that seemed to work.  Enjoy! 

[Fightinghard]

Thanks @mstimc!  I’m hoping the change of scenery and time away really helps my healing.  I’ll enjoy since family time!  

[Fightinghard]

I guess I’m not quite strong enough yet to change up my routine.  Since we’re leaving on Tuesday for the beach, we celebrated Thanksgiving with my in laws yesterday.  Masks and social distancing of course but we did it. It was small; just my family of 5 and them.  Leading into last night I was in a decent place.  I had slept probably 6-7 hours the night before with only 1 wake up.  My morning anxiety and overall bad feeling yesterday was minimal. In fact I fell back to sleep for maybe an hour or so between 8-9 AM which normally I couldn’t. The entire day I felt ‘off’ but not necessarily bad.  Just a little down and less motivated.  My sound sensitivity was not there.  Overall a low symptom day yesterday.  I was busy but not overwhelmed.  Anyway, we had a nice dinner with all the classic dishes (high carb!).  I abstained from dessert, no alcohol and no caffeine. My in laws needed help carrying boxes of Christmas decorations.  This entailed 5 or so trips up and down stairs. We enjoyed an evening of conversation that finished up around 7:45.  Frankly as anyone in WD can relate to, I was ready to go much earlier.  I was just on edge with borderline anxiety. But I muscled through for my wife and my family.  I did enjoy what I could.  
 

My normal bed time is now between 9-10 depending on the day. I normally start my routine about 8ish where I read, meditate, and just wind down in a quite, calm room.  Prior to that it’s some time with my family with dinner, etc.  maybe finish up work things but also low stimulus.  So last night was different and my sleep and general neuro anxiety was worse.  I did sleep probably 5 hours?  On the lighter side and more fitful. What I experienced last night was more anxiety going to bed. Kind of like a general uneasiness and  fatigued feeling in my muscles.  Maybe a restlessness but not really.  I actually felt similar last weekend when I did a bunch of yard work.  My instinct on this is carrying boxes up and down stairs in the evening coupled with the stimulus of the evening set off my neuro anxiety.  What I ate and the change in schedule only added to a tough night. Honestly I wasn’t sure I would even fall asleep last night so I’m glad I did.  I guess that’s progress.  This morning I’m calmer maybe with some remnant feelings but to a much lesser degree. Last night I contemplated taking taurine or theanine or even CBD oil to help calm things down but decided to stay the course with magnesium and fish oil.  

 

My WD has been difficult.  I’m fortunate that I’ve had some windows.  There’s been a few ‘full day’ windows with very few symptoms. I’ve also had better times in general meaning a string of days where symptoms are less intense but still there. The one thing I’m learning that is critical is that a window or better feelings don’t mean normal. The resiliency of your nervous system is still reduced so be careful. Enjoy the better feelings as you can but don’t forget that healing is occurring and you can easily go backwards. I almost am believing that when you feel good don’t push yourself and be even kinder to yourself.  Foster the good feelings to hopefully extend them.  Not that you shouldn’t challenge yourself some but be smart. Maybe add one change or challenge versus a bunch. 
 

So I’ll be careful as I move forward.  I sit here and wonder would I possibly have had a similar night had I just stayed home?  Is it the natural progression of my healing?  I don’t believe so but I do wonder.  Today I’ll take it easy.  Pack for my trip and probably watch some football. I will exercise with a walk at some point. 
 

i had postponed my gym membership since August to start back in December.  I had hoped I’d be able to handle some light workouts.  Maybe if I do things early in the morning I’ll be ok but I’ve decided to put it on hold several more months.  I really miss working out.  I hope that in the near future I can push myself again. Regardless though, I want to continue my recovery so I have to be smart and let my nervous system recover. I’ll do small changes at home before I start the gym. 
 

I’ll continue to recover.  I’ll continue to have good days and bad days.  Right now my pattern is a good day followed by a bad day and then a few decent days. December 4th will be 5 months.  Overall I’ve shown some improvements with symptoms dropping off and less severe.  Some days I feel like ‘I’m almost there’ and then others I feel like I’m at square one. I guess that’s the nature of recovery. One thing that gets to me is just not being ‘myself’ with my wife and kids.  Not feeling sharp or there mentally sometimes. Oh well.   I’ll continuing my journey.   Staying positive and focusing on my wife and kids. Thanks for listening!
 

 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

 

Considering you're only five months out you're doing great.  At this stage, any disruption to your routine may cause a resurgence of your WD symptoms but its temporary.  I, too, follow a nighttime routine and I notice I have a hard time sleeping when I'm out or up late.   I also think its physical; when I eat later in the evening, my sleep seems to be off.  For now, try to accept it  for what it is and it'll pass before you know it!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc Thanks!  You know you make a great point. Prior to WD and ADs if I was up late or ate later or more, I generally had an off night sleeping and in general.  While last night under normal circumstances wasn’t excessive it was different.  So my nervous system has to react and right now that meant anxiety and feeling uneasy.  Like many other things along the way, I’m sure it will get better and less intense over time. 
 

I keep reminding myself it’s only 5 months. I’ve made progress.  The early days of complete horror and anxiety during that first month is gone.  My depression is minimal at its worst.  One other thing I’ve noticed is my neuroemotions are far less.  I remember posting about intense emotions and I couldn’t differentiate if it was WD or just me having to address previous issues. Now those intense feelings are gone.  My noise sensitivity is far less.  So many things have improved or disappeared.  What’s  interesting for me is I feel like I’m falling into more of a constant phase meaning less really good days but also less really bad days.  Kind of generally not feeling great with small windows and small waves.  Whatever it is it is. Time is my friend with this.  I’ve come to one other obviously revelation and probably an acceptance situation.  I’ve read success stories where someone heals in 5 years or 3 years or 18 months or even less than a year but in the end, this is my story and my journey.  Where I fall in this timeline no one knows.  So for every person that took 2 years there’s someone that took 6 months.  My recovery will take whatever time its supposed to take.  In the meantime I’ll be as healthy as I can to help my body heal. 
 

As you went through recovery, was there a defining moment where you were like ‘I’m healed’ or was it one day you kind of just realized things ‘hey I’m feeling better?’ 
 

Thanks!  

 

 

 

 

 

[mstimc]

1 hour ago, Fightinghard said:

As you went through recovery, was there a defining moment where you were like ‘I’m healed’ or was it one day you kind of just realized things ‘hey I’m feeling better?’ 

Definitely a gradual realization.  Like one day when I made a minor mistake at work, I realized I wasn't freaking out thinking I'd be fired.  Or when I had a cold I didn't think I had double pneumonia.  I found myself getting comfortable with the idea that "is ok to feel ok" without worrying about what's coming next.   I figured that it took me a lifetime to learn anxious and compulsive thinking, so taking a few years to learn a new way of thinking and behaving was okay too.

[Fightinghard]

That makes sense.   I was telling my wife how subtle things are better even if as a whole I’m not feeling great.  I’m no longer obsessing over being isolated and writing plans on how to combat it. I’m less anxious about it.  Its like all of the sudden it stopped.  Another simple physical symptom I had was this constant feeling I had to move my left arm.  To make it comfortable.  I just commented to my wife this morning how they had completely subsided. Can’t remember when but it did.  
 

To your earlier point, I had some intense anxiety last night but it did subside and actually most of the morning I’m anxiety free.  So the ‘wave’ seems to be calming down quickly.  I’m not feeling great but it’s not the awful feelings of the past. So I can see how over time as each symptom subsides it’s a subtle improvement.  
 

To be honest, I’m looking forward to going bed tonight.  I think it will be a good night!  In the meantime I’ll enjoy the day and get some things done.  
 

As always, thanks for your support and insight!  It’s really helpful!
 

 

[Fightinghard]

So I made it to the beach!  It was a long 11 drive.  The night before I struggled to sleep but probably pulled off about 4-5 hours of sleep.  On the drive I think I napped lightly for 1:30 hours?  No extreme anxiety or dread afterwards. I think that’s progress.  
 

My first night away I slept good for me.  Probably 7 or so hours with 1 wake up that lasted 30-40 minutes?  Encouraging.  Truly my sleep is getting better.  I’m having more and more nights like this. My anxiety in the morning was low. I kind of teetered between low mood and melancholy and maybe a window.  I’d go from feeling sad and down because I’m going through this and then feeling ok and not really thinking about it.  I took a long walk on the beach with my wife in the morning, did some swimming and hot tubing with my kids, another walk with my wife, watched a movie, read a book, several phone calls with family/friends and did several ‘mind games/puzzles’.  Basically, for my WD, it was very busy in many ways.  I think as the day went on I entered a window and I decided that WD was not going to own me. I’ve had so many rituals and avoidances during WD so to avoid waves and bad symptoms.  Sometimes I wonder if they are all necessary.  So yesterday I swam and was more physically active. I changed up my bedtime routine with more activity.  I was awake later before I went to bed.  Sleep wise, I had a bad night.  Kind of a lighter night sleep. Maybe 5 hours?  My stomach was upset when I went to bed and it never really subsided.  So who knows if my day of activity was the issue or my stomach or both.  The positive this morning is I seem to have less anxiety overall and my negative feelings are not as bad as I’ve experienced before. No depression or melancholy right now.  Today I’ll do a similar day with a walk and some swimming but I’ll keep the swimming lighter. More of a relaxing versus active. I’ll just enjoy the day with my wife and kids.  
 

One thing I’m doing as much as possible is showing love to my family and friends. Even if it’s ‘forced’ with some of my blunted feelings with WD. I’m finding it really helps feel better even when it’s hard.  It has ‘flipped’ my mood sometimes.  
 

I’ve decided to push mind games and puzzles.  I think it helps in many ways. One is in actually seem to enjoy them. They also help build my mental stamina. It’s a way to gauge my progress with mental stamina.  
 

Physical exercise for me has been walks with very occasional Jogs since July.  In a similar approach, I’m slowly pushing more things like swimming yesterday.  I think I’m ready for this as long as I’m smart.  Slow and steady.  
 

Symptoms wise I’ve had a few that in think have dropped off a lot.  The noise sensitivity seems to be almost gone.  Maybe there’s a very small amount at night or if I focus on the symptom (like now-lol) but when I’m busy throughout the day in don’t notice it much if at all.  My tics have all but disappeared.  I haven’t noticed it at all since I’ve been here.  Anxiety is less overall but my pattern of getting a surge late afternoon still happens.  My chest gets tight and I’m generally mildly uncomfortable.  I’ve started to really work on it from a traditional anxiety perspective meaning I face it versus avoiding it.  I don’t try to find a safe place to ‘calm’ myself when it occurs.  I just let it float and continue whatever it is I’m doing.  I noticed lately that this chest tightness is accompanied by ruminating thoughts. I become completely engrossed in the feeling.  This sounds very much like classic anxiety which I fed with more negative thoughts.  Compared to 2-3 months ago, I’m much improved.  So that’s progress.  I’ve recently had a wave of what I’d say is melancholy.  It’s not pure depression. Is kind of a low mood kind of feeling. It seems to happen when anxiety is low and sleep is better.  I almost think when my cortisol levels drop so does my mood. Memory and overall cognition is still off but better than 6 weeks ago.  I’d estimate I’m probably 50 % better overall than when I started in July. Maybe more.  
 

So I think I need to stay my course. I’m finding it important to lightly challenge each aspect of my nervous system.  From my senses to the emotional aspects of my nervous stem,  everyday try to engage the different parts of the nervous system. I can’t overdo it and exhaust it.  Just engage it with simple activities and slowly build on them. I continue to view myself in recovery.  There’s still a lot of recovery that has to occur but it is slowly happening each day,   
 

that was a long post!  It’s wasn’t my intention but I guess I have a lot on my mind!  
 

Happy Thanking everyone!   I’m so thankful for this site and for all the support.  There are so many incredible people.  All the time and effort volunteering to help people is just amazing.    I couldn’t imagine trying to navigate this process without it.  Thank you. 

 

@mstimc Your selfless giving of your time to help a stranger like me is so incredibly appreciated!  I’m thankful for all that you do.  I hope you enjoy your thanksgiving!  
 

 

 

[mstimc]

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family as well! 

 

Thank you for the kind words.  But I don't think we're really strangers.  We're members of a exclusive--if unfortunate--club of people who share some negative experiences but have resolved to come out the better for it.  We support each other.  I hope a lot of SA members read your post--its so full of hope and resolve!  WD really is a rollercoaster but the ride ends and looking back, its worth it.

 

One thing that's been on my mind about emotions during WD, and as you mentioned feeling "melancholy"  or other emotions...  The instructor in my life visioning class we're taking talks about the "dark night of the soul" when you give up anxious or obsessive thinking.  We become so used to anxious and catastrophic thought habits, our minds aren't quite sure what to do when we let go of the them.  Sometimes we feel depressed or sad, like we're grieving for all that negativity and want to fill the void.  It takes time to accept and adopt more positive thought habits, but they will come.

 

I truly hope you and your family have a great Thanksgiving and you continue on your healing path!  Take care!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc Thanks!  What a great perspective; we are all connected by unfortunate circumstances and the common strength to regain our lives.  
 

Your insight on the mind trying to adjust to the changes in anxiety makes so much sense to me!  I’ve been telling my wife that my anxiety in general has been less and is strange because I don’t know how to feel. I get anxiety about not having anxiety!  I think being aware of it is key. I try to stay mindful during my confused times.  The melancholy is like av see saw.  I teeter back and forth between feeling ok and then not so ok.  It’s constant.  

Today has been more of a wave type of day for me.  I’ll stay calm and do my best to enjoy what I can.  It will pass. Tomorrow  is a new day. 
 

Thanks again!  

[mstimc]

4 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

I get anxiety about not having anxiety!

 

Just tell yourself "Its okay to feel okay" and enjoy Thanksgiving! 🙂

[Fightinghard]

These past few days have been tough.  I’m in the middle of an intense wave.  It’s up there in terms of intensity for me.   Symptoms wise it’s about the same with nothing really new that I’ve noticed.  Basically my anxiety has increased which I believe is from an increase in cortisol.  So I’m having more nighttime wake up with much higher levels of doom and gloom.  Just overall bad feelings.  The anxiety start around 4 ish in the afternoon and kind of continues through the evenings and into morning at different intensities. Last night I was in bed and 9 and probably asleep by 9:30.  Wake up at 1:25 and the again at 3:30. At each awakening I’m taking magnesium and fish oil which seems to calm me some so I can sleep again. I woke woke up at 5:40 and decided to get up versus trying another stretch. I feel ‘anxious’ throughout my body.  Just a mild sensation in my legs , back and chest.  Hard to explain. I’m hungry and have to use the bathroom frequently.  This all sounds like high cortisol to me. My previous few nights have been about the same although the last 2 have been the worst.  Since I started withdrawing in July, this has been my worst stretch.  I was reviewing my notes from the past few weeks and prior to this vacation my sleep and general progress was looking pretty good.  I was on a roll sleeping 5:30-7:30 hours a night with 1 wake up.  Most nights I had labeled as ‘decent’ and there was a few good.  My first night here at the beach was ‘ good’.  My first day here I thought was good.  I posted about it on Thursday.
 

So I’m not sure what exactly pushed me into this wave.  Is it just the normal progression of WD?  Or the change in scenery and routine was just too much?  There are a few things that I’m thinking could be my triggers... I’ve been in the hot tub every day this week.  It’s been in the late morning probably about 11 or so.  Could this be stimulating to my nervous system?  Another thing that seems to be possible is napping?  Yesterday I didn’t nap but the previous days I did.  Only 30 minutes at most, probably less. Friday when I woke up I had anxiety start to creep in much higher than usual. Did this set me off into the anxiety wave?   Some other things are this house seems to be warm at night. The AC isn’t great and I can’t get cool enough. No fans, etc.  I generally keep my room at home cool.  Probably in the low 60s.  Here is probably the 70s. So I’m sure this doesn’t help me. My last thing is my wife;  let me start by saying she’s been a complete saint throughout this so I’m not complaining. But she is a very strong person and she pushes me to move forward with this.  She had a history of panic attacks so she’s coming from that perspective.  She’s thinks I should just be ‘normal’ through out this.  Each evening I tend to go on my own from about 8 pm until I go to bed at 9-10 pm. I do it to calm my brain and body.  Light reading, meditating, gratitude, etc during this time.  This week on Wednesday it really upset her.  As she said I’m missing out on things with our kids.  We ended up in a fight which I know didn’t help. We did resolve it the next morning but the thoughts are still there.  I guess I’m allowed to be angry and sad with this.  I really hate WD and all that it does. I know I can’t dwell on that and I have to move forward. As I said to her, I have 3 things I’m focused on right now. My family, my job and getting better.  Nothing else matters. I have to be selfish to get past this.  I told my wife I don’t know the exact timeframe on this.  No one does. But I told her if I/we sacrifice some things the upcoming months things should continue to improve little by little.  The way my sleep was trending I believe I’m getting closer to feeling better.  Maybe my recovery is done in 6 months?  Who knows?  When I see how many of my symptoms have dropped off over time I think that bodes well. Maybe this wave here is part of my cortisol trying to resolve itself and when it calms down I’m that much better?  Anyway I’ll get through it.  I know I can get better because just last week I was in a better place. 

 

I have one more night here on vacation and then we head home.  I really can’t wait to leave.  Its beautiful here but I’m ready for my routine to return.  I had high hopes that I’d leave here in a better place but maybe not. I’ve learned during this journey that any stress can be too much for an unstable nervous system.  In the meantime I’ll continue my plan of light work on myself with brain games, walks, and invoking positive emotions.  I’ll love my wife and kids with all that I have knowing when this is done I’ll be a better father, husband and person.  I’m actually crying some as I’m writing this.  The tears  are real.  It kind of feels like a good thing. Maybe I need to feel sad and cry some. I’m always so focused on fixing the’ good’ feelings but maybe it’s all feelings that need attention.  A month ago I’d feel like I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. Maybe I’m improving?   I’m sorry to ramble. 
 

The last thing is more for my own record.  I tried CBD oil last night for the first time since July.  It’s a tincture with no THC in it.  I’ve read and seen so many people rave about it.  Back in July I took it 2 nights and 1 day.  1 night was a solid nights sleep especially for back then.  The next night was a bad night of anxiety.  It could have just been a coincidence but I decided not to risk it again.  I then took it one morning just to see how it felt. I think I didn’t like it much because I stopped it. Last night I did about 12 mg of CBD (previous was 25mg; recommended is 50). It’s hard to say how I feel about it.  I think I slept a little better but my anxiety is higher though this morning.  Is it just a coincidence?  I’ll probably not take it again since I didn’t see a big improvement and I’m more anxious today than I’ve been. Not worth the risk.  
 

Well I’ll get through this wave.  I’ll try to stay positive and focus on the good days. I’ve done it before I’ll do it again.  Maybe this is my last major wave?  Let’s hope. And let’s hope for a really nice window soon! 
 

 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

 

You've had a lot on your plate this week, so some reaction is to be expected.  Its great you realize its mostly cortisol and not a major physical or behavioral problem.  

42 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

Is it just the normal progression of WD?  Or the change in scenery and routine was just too much?

 

I think its a bit of both.  Unfortunately, WD  is rarely a steady upward trend--its has peaks and valleys (or windows and waves).  As we settle into a routine we find supportive of recovery, we can really get shaken up when that routine is changed.  Even things like taking walks and being in a hot tub--things we'd normally find relaxing--can add to the anxiety.  It also sets up an internal fight "I should be relaxing, what's wrong with me?!"  That just increases your stress and anxious thoughts.  

 

As far as fighting with your wife, we all get frustrated--with ourselves and with each other.  It was a few hours for one day and now its over.  Its okay to let it go.  My wife and I have been married 33 years and she's been very supportive as well, but she still can't fully understand what trying to manage anxiety and OCD is like day in and day out.   In the long run, its probably healthy for her and you to vent some frustrations.

 

I've been practicing a new mantra during our morning 15 minute meditation, and it may help with your anxious feelings.  Remember how I compared anxiety to a 10-pound ball?  Now I'm visualizing it.  In my mind, I picture a beach ball, then a basketball, then a baseball, a ping-pong ball and finally a marble, then I say a one-word positive affirmation word, like "peace" or "relax", whatever pops into my head.  Visually reducing my anxiety by attaching to smaller and smaller balls really helps.   We're getting ready to move from northern Portugal to a town on its  south coast, and that's triggered some anxiety for me.  The mantra helps keep things in perspective. 

 

You'll be back in a window before you know it.  Remember how much progress you've made!

[Leila]

2 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

My family, my job and getting better.  Nothing else matters. I have to be selfish to get past this.

I totally agree, sometimes I won't to be so focused on myself but we had to turn on our survival mode.

As for me, sometimes waves have real triggers (like some change) but sometimes they come for no reason. We had to take care of us and to learn where to put our borders. Not simple in this situation!

I hope you will see a new and long window!

Take care!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc I do remember the 10lb ball analogy... the ball visualization exercise is an interesting idea.    It makes sense to me.  I’ll give it a try.  Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Good luck with your move!  I don’t know much about Portugal but it sounds like it’s a beautiful place.

 

I think you’re right.  I’m dealing with the normal WD process that’s been influenced by my life stresses.  It’s interesting because my wife told me I Was doing really well and then in early November I had an extreme work stress that set me back.  She said I went backwards.  Looking back, she is right. Late October I had several nice windows.  I’ve not had many since.  Realistically though, November has been a really busy month with activities and work and normal life stresses.  I remember thinking if I can make it through this month I’ll be ok.  Well I’m almost there. Not in the best of places but I’m doing ok.  December is always busy with work which can be good.  I believe I should be able to regroup and continue to heal and head into some windows here soon. 
 

Thanks!