Fightinghard: overcoming

[DaBro]

35 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

Should i reinstate?

@Fightinghard your description of symptoms is exactly the same as mine. I’m at 27 months now and improving. I chart my emotional and physical symptoms so I can see my improving trend on this rollercoaster. We will recover.

 

Regarding should i reinstate. I often asked the same question, I decided it was only resetting the clock (a bad thing) and a recent study has shown reinstatement only works for 50% of people and for the other 50% it can make things worse. Hang in there. Your windows will move from hours to days. I just had a 10 day window over Xmas which wasn’t the case in 2018 and 2019. 

 

 

[mstimc]

I think its great you use this as a journal so you and others can track your progress! I, too, found that writing out my fears and feelings really helped.  In fact, it was part of my CBT practices when I was in recovery.  Putting it down on paper (virtually) is calming and help you see things more objectively.  Keep it up!

[Fightinghard]

@DaBro  thanks for the information. Realistically i think reinstatement is long gone for me.  I’m ok with that.  As you know it’s just really hard done days.  
 

i skimmed your thread and see your sleeping better and generally doing better.  That’s great!  My sleep was actually doing decent and then i got hit with this wave.  The good news is I’m getting nights of longer sleep several times a week.  Hopefully it consolidated where I’m trying more good nights than bad nights.  
 

Thanks for the support!  Continued healing for you!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc  i definitely hope it helps others as well.  It’s one of those things where when you’re in the dark places you need a place to go.  This is becoming my safe place in a sense.  I can voice my concerns and feelings to others.  I wish i didnt have the desire to come on here like i do for obvious reasons. But I’m glad it’s here for the times i need it.  The support from others like yourself is just incredible.  Thank you!

[DaBro]

3 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

@DaBro  thanks for the information. Realistically i think reinstatement is long gone for me.  I’m ok with that.  As you know it’s just really hard done days.  
 

i skimmed your thread and see your sleeping better and generally doing better.  That’s great!  My sleep was actually doing decent and then i got hit with this wave.  The good news is I’m getting nights of longer sleep several times a week.  Hopefully it consolidated where I’m trying more good nights than bad nights.  
 

Thanks for the support!  Continued healing for you!

 

My sleeping was ok for a few months after 0. I got hit hard at 12 months post 0 and my sleep started to normalise at 24 months post 0

[Fightinghard]

As i get further along in this journey I’m learning that acceptance is an everyday practice.  It is really critical to help get through this. I can’t just think it;  i have to believe it.  Its coming along but it’s challenging for sure.  
 

So Thursday and Friday were okay days and nights.  I had some small widows during each day and into the evenings.  My sleep was better with 6-8 hours each night. Saturday morning i woke up with more morning anxiety than I’ve had lately.  It was not the worst Its been but noticeably higher. The day kind of followed suit.  I had a few brief windows of feeling ok but much of the day was higher anxiety or just generally feeling off. What’s hard are days that I don’t have alot to do. My mind stays active and i focus on how I’m feeling.  ‘Am i feeling better?  Oh wait My noise sensitivity is not there?  Noo, there it is.  I haven’t had a ‘tic’ in awhile?  There’s one now’. Point being i think and then things seem worse.  Its tough at times which I’m sure others can relate to. 
 

Last night was a bad night.  My wife has my middle son at a volleyball tournament so I’m solo with my 10 year old daughter and 15 year old son.  Frankly it’s pretty easy stuff at there ages.  The downfall for me is it throws off my evening schedule some. Not terrible but some.  Last night i decided to try to use my CPAP again.  It’s been since August when i stopped because i was having panic at night with it when WD started.  My wife mentioned recently I’d been snoring so i figured maybe i should try it again.   I lasted with it on for 20 minutes then i had to remove it.  I felt the anxiety building.  Long story short i had a nice panic/anxiety attack last night. It’s been awhile since I’ve had that level of anxiety.  I can think of a few nights here and there but not to that degree. So it was an uncomfortable, short night.  I did use Claire Weeks AAF which did ultimately help calm me down some.  
 

Symptom wise things continue to change for me.  The tics/twitches or as i like to say my ‘startled reflex’ has calmed down some. Its still there but not as often. The sound sensitivity is similar.  Its there but less noticeable for sure.  But like everything it can fluctuate up and down.  Hypnic jerks have reduced alot.  My anxiety was up some yesterday and obviously last night.  This morning its there but so far manageable.   I’m feeling off this morning but my other symptoms are not at the forefront.  Some apathy and just feeling low from last night.  I generally just feel bad.  
 

It looks like I’m cycling through short windows of feeling ‘ok’ with waves of different symptoms with different intensities.  My guess is i was in a ‘wave’ going into last night and the CPAP and all the changes made it even worse.  I’ll hunker down today and do my best. I just wrote my wife a long email telling her what she and the kids mean to me.  I love them dearly and just want to get back to myself.  I keep telling myself that i have to accept this situation for what it is.  If I had been in an accident of some type that required a period of healing it would be no different.  I just have to stay the course and treat myself well.  Don’t push too hard but move forward when you can. 
 

I’m hoping in the future that my posts are to share ‘good news.’ Like I’ve been in a long window of some duration.  Not yet i guess.  But i will. I guess i have had several windows the past few weeks. I stopped journaling symptoms and feelings because i thought it was keeping my thoughts negative but i think I’ll start up again.  But this time it’s going to be more about a wave or window and symptoms present.  I have to remember not everyone gets big windows.  Since people get gradual symptoms improving with short windows and waves. I guess I’ll find out where i fall when I’m done with this journey.  
 

[Fightinghard]

Today is a big day for me.  I’m getting my Covid vaccine.  I’m a little nervous being I’m in WD but i had the flu shot without much of an issue.  When i really thought about it, I’m probably more concerned about getting covid in WD than the possible side effects of the vaccine so i thought  I better just do it.  I’ll report back in the next few days.  

[Fightinghard]

First night after the moderna covid shot and i had a rough night of insomnia. Fell asleep ok but woke up around midnight and had very light if any sleep the rest of the night.  I just felt off at that point.  As i would drift off to sleep and start to dream I’d get a surge of anxiety and just bad feelings which would wake me.  Kind of like a hypnic jerk but without the jerk.   I’ve had this before so I tried very soft music as a distraction.  Maybe it helped some.  To be fair to the shot, I’ve been cycling back and forth between good and bad nights with all kinds of experiences.  I think Saturday night i had a panic attack at night.  So I’m trying to chalk this up to a continued wave I’m in versus the actual shot.  I’m guessing the shot didn’t help matters but who really knows.  Yesterday as a whole was an up and down day. I’d say i had several hours of windows with minimal symptoms until later in the afternoon and into early evening.  Then i had some inner restlessness, especially in my legs, pop up for a good hour or so. That subsided and I’d say i again was in a window.  Not my old self but symptoms were low other than some light anxiety.    
 

My theory is my body is trying to heal the different symptoms and I’m going through each one, one by one and ‘fixing’ them.  So I’ll get a wave of twitches, tics and sound sensitivity that calms down only to be replaced by some anxiety.  It seems that i get an intense symptom that slowly diminishes over a week or so. Then it’s still there but much less.  Like my sound sensitivity.  Last weekend i was very uncomfortable with many noises.  I was wearing ear plugs while driving for most of the day.  The past few days it’s still there but i don’t notice it much at all.  Same with the ‘twitches’ or startling reflex.  Last week I would move to grab something quickly and my body would ‘twitch’.  It still happens but less intense and less often for sure. Anxiety was very low and then it came back but not as intense as previously.   Insomnia is the interesting one for me because it’s changed for me the past few weeks.  My hypothesis is that the issue is really about the overactive alerting system and general cortisol production.  I think both of these things are being ‘fixed’.  The intensity of my panic at night is far less if i even get it.  The intensity of the surges are less than back in the beginning.  So while the outcome is about  the same on a bad night, i think it’s actually improving some. Plus, over the past month or so I’ve had probably 7 or more ‘good nights’ of 7 or more hours.  These nights I’ve had 5-6 hours straight and then fell back to sleep for a few more. So it’s a windows and waves pattern. 
 

I’ll see how today goes.  Outside of my arm being sore, i don’t have any other side effects from the shot.  I’m hoping things calm down like previous waves and tonight i sleep better.  It will be a long day today but it is what it is.  I’ll push through.   My fears about recovery are slowly decreasing.  I’m believing more and more that i will recover and that i just accept what this is each day.  
 

I’ve said this before but I feel compelled to say it again; I’m so thankful for this community and all that it offers.  This is an incredibly hard thing to go through that only those that experience it can understand.  

[mstimc]

19 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

This is an incredibly hard thing to go through that only those that experience it can understand.  

So true!  Even after several years post-recovery, when my anxious thinking temporary flares up, my wife is totally supportive but still can't fully comprehend why I just can't "let go."  Places like this, where we can share fears, setbacks and successes without judgement, are just so vital to recovery.  

 

Glad to hear your first vaccine dose went well.  We'll probably get ours around the end of April or in May if the government's schedule holds.  It'll be nice for all of us when this is under control.

 

Take care!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc  My wife and i have had some conversations lately they have been hard.  Not necessarily argumentative but i realize she really doesn’t understand and i think she believes a lot of this in my control.  I told her that some of this is ‘me’ and side of it is withdrawal.  But the tough part is the WD does just take time.  She’s been great and ultra supportive So I’m not complaining but it was just hard when people think it’s all ‘you’.  How can it still be the meds type of thing.  I seriously considered reinstatement after that conversation. But at 6 plus months out with a complicated few months of drugs I’m not sure it would be a good idea.  The idea of going backwards scares me.   Ive come this far.  Even though today at this moment I’m feeling the feelings like will this get better, etc i logically know it has gotten better and it will get better. 
 

I was hesitant to get the shot because of WD but getting covid while in WD seems like a bad mix. I hope you’re doing well in these interesting times.  Glad you’re slated for the shots in the near future.  I appreciate your continued support and friendship during this process.  When I’m looking back at this journey I realize that there are good things that are happening as i move forward.  Your support is something that stands out for me.  Thank you. 
 

 

[mstimc]

17 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

I appreciate your continued support and friendship during this process.  When I’m looking back at this journey I realize that there are good things that are happening as i move forward.  Your support is something that stands out for me.  Thank you. 

One day I'm sure you'll pay it forward for another person in WD and recovery, too!

 

My wife and I had the same kind of conversations a few times as well.   As long as there's communication--that's the important thing.  I've tried to meet her in the middle by doing meditation and mindfulness, and I think she appreciates that.   Most of society still thinks behavioral issues are all in the mind.  It reminds me of Shakespeare from Romeo & Juliet: "He jests at scars that never felt a wound."

[Fightinghard]

Quick update from the Covid shot. Yesterday was a long day after very little sleep but it wasn’t terrible.  Some anxiety, restlessness and melancholy feelings mixed in with small windows. Last night i slept!  I did wake up at 4:15 to use the bathroom but in went back to sleep so I’d guess 8-9 hours total?    Not totally normal sleep but much better.  Sound sensitivity and twitches/tics have been low.  In terms of the shot, my arm is sore but nothing else.  I think it did very little to my WD symptoms if anything.  We’ll see how today goes.  No AM anxiety today but I’m feeling more ‘down’. That’s typical for me when I sleep more.  

[arbor]

Thank you @FightinghardI'm very unsure about the vaccine during w/d, so your reports are really helpful.  🙏

Best wishes as we all go through this recovery,

Arbor

[Calmseeker]

Hey @Fightinghard, I'm pleased to hear the vaccination went well for you. 

 

I have a question for you. How do you deal with the hypnic jerks and tics? This is the area that I am struggling with the most at the moment. I've barely slept for the past two nights and I think its because I got a couple of jerks when drifting off to sleep and then my brain has just 'switched on' out of fear. 

 

Interestingly, I got a few jerks a few months ago when I dropped off my AD and then re-instated a day later but they didn't bother me so much as I knew it was a withdrawal symptom. However because I've had no change in my dose for three months now, I think my mindset has shifted and at times i get a sense of fear. Its hard to explain but I think I kept thinking 'maybe i'm a lucky one.. maybe i'll get out of this with minimal symptoms' then bam.. insomnia.. depression.. jerks. 

 

I love my husband and I love my family and I want to be strong for them (and me!). Do you have any tips on what has helped you to not fear the jerks? 

 

Also, I've checked out Claire Weeks on your recommendation. What an amazing lady. A lot of truth in what she says. 

 

[Fightinghard]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a tough time.  It’s such a struggle!   I’m in this pattern of sleep pretty good one night and then not so good the next night.  The past 2 weeks or so I’ve had 7 nights of at least 7 hours of sleep and then probably 4 nights of 2-3 hours sleep.  I’m glad I’m having some good nights but the bad nights are really hard.  Like you said you want to be there for your spouse and your family but it’s so hard.  
 

Interestingly enough, my ‘jerks’ and tics have calmed down some.  They still are there but not as bad.  That said, as i start to drift off to sleep i get this ‘surge’ of anxiety/fear feeling.  Very similar to how i feel after a ‘jerk’ but not as intense.  Alto told me that this is your alerting system waking you up because it thinks you’re going unconscious.  Her suggestion was to play soft music so that you can barely hear it. This will not let you get to deep into sleep and then you are less likely to get the jerks or surges.  I’ve done it several nights with moderate success.  Meaning i slept more but not necessarily good.  I also will sleep in a chair sitting up or other positions to try to have the same effect where this hypersensitive alerting system doesn’t react.  I can’t say this helps but i try!   It does get better over time.  What I’ve concluded is the fear and anxiety when it’s happening is a product of the alerting system.  You get a surge of cortisol m/adrenaline which gives you those feelings when it’s happening. At least that’s what it seems like.  I’m glad you’ve started Claire Weeks.  I believe it ‘helps’ with this.  Meaning it may not stop them but if you can accept the situation you’re not going to compound the issue with even more anxiety and fear.  Which is how i don’t ‘fear’ them when they’re not happening.   Truly you fear what you are going to feel.   Which creates the anxiety and it then gets worse.   So if you can accept them and surrender to them it seems to help reduce the fear.   Easier said than done but i do believe for me it’s beneficial.  I have faith we will get better. Last night was awful for me.  2-3 hours of bad sleep.  But the night before was very good.  8-9 hours of solid sleep (i wake up one time and then back to sleep).  I focus on the good nights and assume my brain is learning/repairing my sleep and eventually it will return. 
 

I wish i had a great answer for this.  I think because time is the solution for WD, acceptance is critical. It’s super hard but it does help.  I’m just starting to really get the hang of acceptance of symptoms, etc and I’m 6 months out.  I’m realizing more and more i will get better and time is the answer.  I try not to focus on how long.  yesterday I was in a decent window thinking ‘I’m almost done’.  Today i feel the opposite ‘will i make it’.  But again, i am better overall and symptoms are reducing or leaving altogether.   Everyone is different.  
 

You’ll get through this.  I hope this kind of answers your question.  I’d also look up ‘the anxious truth’ podcast and book.  I can’t remember if in shared that.  He follows Claire Weeks principles but seems to simplify it. I hope you feel better soon!

[Fightinghard]

@Calmseeker i forgot to tag you in my previous post...

[Calmseeker]

Hey @Fightinghard, 

 

Thanks so much for all of your advice. Its really nice to speak with someone who is going through the same thing. Yes, I've found 'The Anxious Truth' podcast through your recommendation and I actually listened to an episode this morning on my drive to work. Its a good one! Claire Weeks is also really good to listen to, I've been listening to a few of her clips on youtube. 

 

I also tried the soft music and whilst I didnt feel like I got much sleep as such, I certainly was able to relax and felt somewhat restored the next day. 

 

I have to keep remembering that this is like running a marathon rather than a sprint. Patience is the key really. The other night I actually had to say to myself 'I need to sit with my discomfort' and so I did. I just sat there, feeling the discomfort and it eventually passed. This has been helpful at times. 

 

Its such a complex journey to go on because on one hand I am dealing with my baseline anxiety which has been heightened by a sensitive nervous system. I'm also dealing with the symptoms of withdrawal. I never ever would have imagined that withdrawal symptoms would last so long. This is the part that really throws me off. It is such a 'psychological marathon'. 

 

I wear a fitbit so it helps me to keep a track of my sleep and my heart rate. When I have had a bad night or I'm feeling symptoms my brain actually over catastrophes it. I start telling myself 'I havent slept in a week' or 'I have felt terrible for so long'. However when I look back at the data, it actually tells me a different story. Its interesting how psychology works. 

 

Anyway, I hope you are doing well and thanks again for your support during this journey when you are also suffering yourself. I really appreciate it. 

[Fightinghard]

@Calmseeker  no problem!  It’s impossible to understand what this is like unless you go through it. So peer support is critical.  I’ve been blessed during my journey with some incredible support from members of this site.  Its invaluable.  
 

Learning to manage your anxiety and accept the WD will help you along the way.  They are skills that will last beyond WD.  2 other things I’ve practiced during WD is gratitude and visualization/meditation.   I make sure that everyday I’m thankful for things i encounter.  Whether it’s my family or a delicious meal, i try to have gratitude for what it is.  Many nights I’ve laid there awake and I’d be thankful for that time because i knew my brain was healing.  I have to go through the hard times to get to the good times.  The last thing is (especially when meditating) i visualize my life as being healed.   In the present. I believe ‘you have to see it to be it’.  in the same realm i enjoy a loving kindness mediation.  Early on, maybe the first month of WD i did it every night and many nights it was my only ‘relief’. It would put a smile on my face.  These things have helped me stay grounded in some tough times.   It’s not easy but they help me.  
 

I continue to struggle weekly but overall things are slowly improving.  Last night I slept 8:30 hours!  Over last 2 weeks that’s 6 nights of over 7 hours and 8 nights of 6 hours.  It’s slowly improving for sure. As are all my symptoms. 
 

you’re so right, this is a marathon and We all run it at our own pace.  You’ll get there. Just keep focused on your race knowing you’ll finish it.  
 

thank you for your kind words of support!  We’ve got this!  

[Fightinghard]

Well i think the Initial moderna covid shot was not much of a problem for me.  I did have some sleep and anxiety issues that first night but truly nothing out of the ordinary with my waves and windows recovery.  So for me i think round one was ok.  
 

 

Quick update on my general recovery. For the last few days I’ve been having more windows.  There are been times where i feel ‘OK’.  Generally my anxiety has remained low.  Mornings are typically worse with symptoms which these past few days have been more of a melancholy/motivated/fatigue feeling.  Maybe a touch of despair.  But as the day moves on, I’ve improved. I was feeling so calm and’ok’ that i told my wife i think i may be turning the corner.  Sleep is still erratic but I’d say it’sa better erratic.  My good nights, I’ll sleep 5-6(1 night almost 7!) hour stretches and then fall back to sleep for maybe 2 hours or so.  My bad nights are 3-4 hour stretches and if i fall back to sleep maybe another 2 hours after that. My sensitivities to stimuli like sounds are following a window and waves pattern.  Up until last night they generally were low with some periods of it here and there.  Last night the sound sensitivity came back strong with some anxiety which resulted in a bad night.  I had to spend time by myself with my ear plugs in.  The previous night i was watching TV with my wife (hadn’t  done that in awhile) and talking with her and my kids.  It was really nice and calming.   So obviously last night was the start of a wave for me.  Anxious/fitful sleep but i did sleep probably 6 hours of broken sleep.  This morning I’m not sure how i feel.  Its like my body is ‘warm’ from what i perceive as cortisol.  It’s kind of like an anxiety of some sort.  Anyway, I’m hoping my pattern of shorter waves continues.  It was nice to get a few days/hours  of ‘calm’ and almost ‘normal’ feeling.  Maybe 50% back for those moments.  Overall though i have had this feeling that I’m getting better.  Some things have been worse like my sensitivities while others have been better like my anxiety.  I’m starting to think i may be one of those people that heal with a gradual improvement of symptoms without the true ‘windows’.    Regardless i will continue to work on acceptance and work through this wave.  I keep telling myself each time i go through a wave its one less wave i need to go through to heal.  It’s hard but I’ll make it through.  
 

 

 

 

[mstimc]

Fighting, one idea I recently shared with another member, that helped me through recovery and still helps when my OCD flares up:  I send myself an email as if I were sending it to a friend who needs some reassurance and support.  Kind of like the CBT "be your own best friend practice" but with an e-twist.  For some reason, putting things down into written words seems to have more impact than self-talk.  Sounds like you are doing great handling the windows/waves rollercoaster! 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc Thanks for the suggestion!  I like it!  I’ll give it a try.  
 

Yes this is a rollercoaster for sure.  Eventually the ride will stop.  

[Fightinghard]

So I’m in a wave.  It probably started on Monday night after several days of a window this past weekend. The window was probably the best one I’ve had in that it lasted for several days with a very calming feeling.  Like i was coming out of this.  I had minimal symptoms for several days.  Well the past 2 days have been an’ anxiety’ wave for me.  Anxiety had been pretty low overall for awhile.  I’d have short stints of it but nothing too bad.  Earlier in the process, my anxiety presented itself as a tight or uncomfortable chest.   What i find interesting is that my ‘real’ anxiety was something i felt in my ‘stomach’.  Kind of that pit in the stomach feeling.  That was not present until yesterday. Now it’s here.  So it’s like my original anxiety is coming back but at a greater intensity.  Outside of anxiety and insomnia (which has been worse the past few nights) my other symptoms have reduced greatly.  Sound sensitivity is almost all gone. Startle/twitches /jerk is very low.  I still get it very minimally but nothing like i had been. Depression, melancholy has subsided.  Cognitive and memory seem ok. It’s not normal but i believe my sleep deprivation is probably at the heart of that more than the WD stuff from earlier.  Morning anxiety is back with some intensity but still less than 6 months ago.   My amateur opinion is this wave is my body trying to establish my normal anxiety again.  And it’s just overshooting it.  I’m definitely using my anxiety tools where i surrender to the feelings and just let it be.  I feel it completely and i don’t react to it (as best i can).  For my anxious ‘what if thoughts’ regarding work or life i just acknowledge they are there but i don’t engage them.  I just breathe and let them be. Thoughts have no power unless i give it to them.  I believe when this wave is over my anxiety will be much better overall and closer to’ normal’ versus this extreme anxiety and even panic i get at night.  
 

I’m not quite 7 months out yet.  Objectively I’m better in many ways with some  improvements with many of my earlier symptoms.   I’m definitely in a windows and waves pattern which at this point seems to be more waves than windows.  My major symptoms are sleep and anxiety. Sleep has really been erratic.  It’s definitely in a windows and waves pattern as well.  The past month I’ve had more days of 7-9 hours of sleep that the previous 4 months combined.  In the same token I’ve probably had more bad nights as well.  I’m sure it will get better as my anxiety calms down.  Let’s hope for a short wave and it calms down soon!
 

 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

 

There are few things more anxiety-inducing than lack of sleep.  It makes you restless during the day, and then of course there's the anxiety of trying to relax to get a decent night's sleep.  Its a vicious circle.  I think your point about the return of "normal anxiety" is correct.  We all went on AD's or benzos for a reason, and we have to address those root causes along with dealing with WD.  My anxiety/OCD is part of who I am, so I need to manage it just like I would if I had any other chronic condition. Fortunately the same coping techniques work in both WD and baseline anxiety.  Your waves will dissipate--albeit slowly and irregularly, but they will decrease as your windows get longer. 

[Fightinghard]

It’s going to sound weird but I’m actually looking forward to being back to my old anxiety!   With all that I’ve learned and the tools i now have i believe if that’s my only problem I’ll be good to go!  The sleep/anxiety cycle is so tough.  What’s interesting for me is even though i  feel really bad this morning, i feel more confident I’ll get through this.  Like I’m better ‘bad’.  I’m assuming I’m just healing more and my baseline bad is just better. 
 

On a side note, i had some dental Wednesday (which may have triggered this anxiety) and thought of you.  How are your dental issues?

[mstimc]

46 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

On a side note, i had some dental Wednesday (which may have triggered this anxiety) and thought of you.  How are your dental issues?

Hi Fighting

Thanks for asking!  I'm doing okay.  The antibiotic/anesthetic "chip" the oral surgeon inserted under my gum line has really helped.   I'll have to get the implant replaced eventually, but the longer I wait the better given the lockdown and spread of the more contagious version of COVID in Portugal.

 

I know what you mean about the "old anxiety".  At least its the devil you know, and you know you can deal with it.  The up-and-down pattern of recovery can be a lot more disturbing, but it sounds like you're still doing great!

 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc Good to hear things are going well.  Let’s hope the vaccines help get things under control by the end of this year so we can start to have some sense of normalcy.  
 

thanks for your support!  

[Fightinghard]

I’m not sure if this wave I’m in is from my dental work on Wednesday last week or just the normal progression but last night was hard!  My anxiety has been high now since last Wednesday.  Wednesday and Thursday night I woke up with panic like feelings; neuro-emotions.  Friday i slept a little better but had the cortisol surges several times throughout the night.  Last night, i had the surges again with frequent wake up plus the feelings of high anxiety with some panic. Of course with my analytical mind I’m trying to figure out what’s causing it. The dentist on Wednesday could be the issue.  Or is it my magnesium or fish oil is going paradoxical?  I don’t think the magnesium is but I’m wondering about the fish oil. I had salmon for dinner and my usual fish oil before bed.  Now i had anxiety leading up to bed so is hard to say.  I also wonder about my walk yesterday.  We took an extra long walk, probably 90 minutes?  Plus it was very cold here, about 20 degrees.  My wife likes to walk on the faster side and maybe the cold, long walk and faster speed was enough to make things worse?  
 

The window and waves thing is brutal at times.  It’s great to get those moments of reprieve but man the down times can be incredibly hard. I hope to make the best of today but i do struggle with what to do.  I’m really not able to nap at this point; the few times I’ve been able to i tend to have even more anxiety and sleep issues.  We’re in a pandemic and its cold out so there’s only so much to do around the house.  I’ll find a project though. I wish i enjoyed watching tv but since WD i have very little interest. So I’ll be exhausted today trying to figure out what to do while being gentle to myself.  It’sa tough balancing act for sure. One thing i will do is snack very often on healthy things.  My blood sugar/hunger has been back which makes sense with the high anxiety/cortisol.  

 

 I’m very fragile at times and my thoughts waiver back to should i reinstate?  Should i take something to help me feel better?  Will I recover?  I know though that taking that path is a dangerous one that is unpredictable.  It could send me backwards.   With all this said, my resolve to get through this is stronger than ever.  In the end i come back to my wife and kids and the rest of our lives together.  I want’ us’ back and i know the only way there is through this fire.    I’ve had windows of low anxiety as recent as last weekend.  I’ve had some decent sleep windows in December and November.  Even in January I’ve had more nights sleeping at least 7 hours than any of my other months.  So i know my body is healing.   In November when i went on vacation i had a tough wave with anxiety and cortisol spikes at night.  That lasted for probably 4-5 nights.  When I got back home, i had a nice window for probably 2-3 days.   So I’m hoping i follow a similar path and this wave calms down and a window moves in.  
 

One mistake i make is I’m not on a schedule with my supplements.  Typically with my magnesium i take one ‘dose’ of about 100 mg in the afternoon and 2pm.  That’s about the tine my anxiety starts to come into play if it does ( for several weeks it was very minimal if at all). Some days I take it in response to slight anxiety in the late afternoon versus at 2pm. Besides that dose, I usually take about 100mg about 1 hour before bed and then I’ll take 50 mg each awakening.  So some nights is 1 time, others is 2.  I’ve not done more than 2.  My fish oil is about the same in terms of when i take it. Also inconsistent.  Melatonin is at bed  1 hour before.  I just started taking .6 mg with a new brand of melatonin.  Thursday night i didn’t take any melatonin and it wasn’t  the best night but nothing out of the ordinary. So I’m thinking, starting today, I’m going to start a schedule with my supplements. My thought is take fish oil 3 times a day.  Morning, early afternoon  and evening after dinner.  Magnesium is late morning, late afternoon and then bed time/awakenings.  This way I can look for a pattern of symptoms.   I’m seriously considering either theanine, CBD or Taurine to see if it helps.  But I’ll probably fix my current regiment first.  

 

I don’t think i eat much better.  I completely cut out chocolate, caffeine, alcohol and I’m eating low sugar.  Gluten is minimal.  A lot of fruits, veggies, meats and nuts.  Water to drink with occasional flavored ( naturally) carbonated drinks.  dairy is probably one thing i can try cutting out that i currently don’t.  That’s a tough one for me though. 
 

I still use the Claire Weeks techniques regularly.  I do therapy monthly now.  I’ve decided to make a conscious effort to really work on good feelings.  Sharing love with people and also remembering good times from the past as much as possible.   Even in my bad state i can still smile and laugh some when i think of things from the past.  So I’m not really sure there is anything left to do but just let time do its thing and continue to work on acceptance.  
 

I really wish i had nothing but positive posts to share.  At times I think I’m getting there but then reality hits with another wave.  This will pass which is hard to see right now.  But it will and I’ll be that much closer to recovered. Last night before bed I actually wrote my story of recovery.  What it was like and how it felt to be recovered.  I’ll continue to visualize as much as i can.  
 

Healing  thoughts to everyone going through this.  I’m praying for all of us!  

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

 

1 hour ago, Fightinghard said:

Of course with my analytical mind I’m trying to figure out what’s causing it.

I'm the same way--I'm always searching for a cause.  I recently went through something similar and I'm just coming out of it.  We just sold our house in California.  Once the sale closed, my OCD hit me hard and I started obsessing about all the things that were "wrong" with our house that I forgot to disclose.  I'd satisfy myself that one thing was okay then something else would creep into my mind.  I had to take a step back and realize it wasn't all the little things that come with a nearly 30-year-old house, it was my intrusive and repetitive thoughts.  Once I recognized and accepted the obsessive thought pattern, and I added in some reality checking, the worries lost most of their power.  

 

By your post I can see you're in the same symptom - cause - effect - symptom pattern.  Anxious thought patterns suck and they can infect so much of your life, by making you question your recovery, your ability (or even your right) to be happy and enjoy your life.  But at the end of the day, they're just thoughts and their power entirely depends on how much attention you give them.  Claire Weeks is a great source for dealing with this.  

1 hour ago, Fightinghard said:

Last night before bed I actually wrote my story of recovery.  What it was like and how it felt to be recovered.

This is a great idea.  Writing out your recovery helps you see how much progress you've made and will help you spot the negative thinking habits that keep bringing anxiety back.  I think you're absolutely right--you are recovering.  Despite the problems you're having at the moment, you'res thinking is still clear and objective, so you haven't given in to emotional thinking.  You'll come out of this--give yourself some time and compassion. 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc  Thanks for the thoughts!  It helps to see someone else’s similar struggles with thought  patterns.  It shows how to come out of them.  I’ll continue to work on acceptance and just letting the thoughts go.  Give no power to them. 
 

I actually enjoyed writing my recovery. I’ll do it more frequently.  I’ve decided for today I’m going to stay off the Internet no matter how bad i feel.  Stay in the moment and not in WD.  I read all of the success stories i need to see which really help alleviate the anxieties in that moment but i know the constant repetition of seeing people in WD has to keep my mind in that loop. Plus I’ve read all the stories i need to reinforce that recovery happens.  So, I’ll take it hour by hour and stay in the moment.    Let’s see how that helps with my thought patterns.  
 

Thanks!

[mstimc]

Great plan, Fighting!

[Fightinghard]

I had such high hopes that my journey was going to start to gradually get better.  I guess you can say it has but man this current wave is really tough to manage.  Stay was an ‘ok’ day.  I had slept maybe 6 or so hours of broken sleep.  I’m in a wave of more cortisol rushes or as I’ve read alto describe my alerting system is waking me when it thinks I’m going into a drier sleep because it thinks I’m going unconscious.  So yesterday was ok where i worked in the morning and was fairly light in the afternoon. I practiced my Claire weeks throughout the day with intrusive thoughts.  I really had high hopes that i was heading there right direction.  My tooth that i had a root canal on is bothering me.  Last week when i went to the dentist he said i had a gum boil above the tooth so i needed to go back to the endodontist. The tooth wasn’t really bothering much but yesterday in noticed it more.  The endo can’t see me until next week.  The pain is probably a 1-2 out of 10 right now.  I took Tylenol last night to help.  I’m hoping i don’t need major work done.  Maybe some antibiotics to clear up an infection?   i had a work zoom call from 6:30-7:30 last night as well.  So my anxiety was sky high last night.   It had that’ chemical’ feeling.  The night started ok with a lot of  dozing then awakenings.  I started to get stronger surges of anxiety/ doom as the night went on.  Not sure exactly what time it was but i took about 200mg of Taurine.  I’ve read people rave about how it helps with the cortisol surges and thought I’d try it again.  I don’t think it did anything positive and it may have made things worse.  Overall i probably slept s few hours of broken sleep with surges waking  me up.  I tried sleeping in different positions, with light music, different rooms but all to no avail.  
 

I’m wondering if i have a tooth infection that is causing this wave?  I think the other things I did last night contributed to the anxiety but i was already in high alert mode.  Who knows but this tooth has a root canal before Christmas and at the time the Dr was surprised there was no infection and he didn’t give me antibiotics.  I guess it can also be from me grinding my teeth that the tooth hurts a little.  Anyway, tonight I’ll do some Epsom salt baths and be smart and gentle to my nervous system.  
 

@Altostrata  I’m really struggling this past week or so. I guess truly it’s windows and waves but my anxiety returned and my sleep is hit with the cortisol surges and my alerting system.  I know reinstating is risky and I’m not there quite yet but i was hoping to get your opinion on my situation.  Do you think I’m in WD from lexapro or could it be an adverse reaction to the 100mg of Zoloft in took for 4 days at the start of this debacle for me?   I guess a sensitive nervous system regardless needs the same approach but I’m wondering if because I took Zoloft about 15 years ago for a year a so if i was sensitized to it and then with the high dose it gave me the adverse reaction?  The second night I took it i had insomnia similar to what I’m going through now. But I did have sleeping  issues before just not as bad.  That went on for probably 7-10 days but i did take trazodone a few times and ambien a few times to help me sleep a little.  I’d say after 10-14 days  of lexapro my sleep changed to 4-5 hours then wake up and lay there not sure if i was asleep or awake.  I had other symptoms after the Zoloft as well but i was also in a highly panic state before meds because of coronavirus.   Anyway i ask this because if it’s an adverse reaction really the only thing to do is wait it out regardless?  I know you can’t say for sure but I’m curious what you think.   Thanks for your thoughts!  

[mstimc]

4 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

I’m wondering if i have a tooth infection that is causing this wave?  I think the other things I did last night contributed to the anxiety but i was already in high alert mode.  Who knows but this tooth has a root canal before Christmas and at the time the Dr was surprised there was no infection and he didn’t give me antibiotics.  I guess it can also be from me grinding my teeth that the tooth hurts a little.  Anyway, tonight I’ll do some Epsom salt baths and be smart and gentle to my nervous system.  

Hi Fighting

 

My oral surgeon said tooth grinding makes your teeth very sensitive and in my case contributed to the bone loss around my implant.  I use  a nightguard but I must really clamp down.  After I get the implant replaced I'll have him make me a new one.  I think its a chicken and the egg thing--few things are more anxiety-inducing than toothaches, and anxiety itself can make your teeth hurt. I have found that relaxation exercises help reduce the sensitivity.

[Fightinghard]

I started wearing my night guard again recently.  I’m hoping in don’t have an infection or major problem.  Honestly I’ll have it pulled off it’s anything major.  I’m not going through surgery or anything in my condition.  Thanks for your insight!  I’m really amazed at this process.   I’m struggling with this sleep again.  I can manage the 5ish hours most nights.  But the 2-3 is awful. I have to remember it’s just a wave passing.  

[mstimc]

I think if it was an infection it'd be really painful and keep getting worse.   When the wave eases up I bet your tooth will feel better too!

[Fightinghard]

I hope you’re right!  It would be nice to get a decent nights sleep plus no tooth issue!   
 

 

Fortunately my tooth doesn’t hurt horribly. I just had a ‘boil’ on my gum which triggered my regular dentist to refer me to the endodontist.  We’ll see.  
 

Thanks again for your support!  

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc As a lifelong GAD person, how did you know when you were done with WD and your anxiety was just ‘yours’?  I know I’m still in WD because of my sensitivities and startle reflex amongst other symptoms but at times i wonder about by insomnia and some other anxiety symptoms.  They’re all stronger than sitting I’ve ever experienced which tells me it’s probably WD but at times I’m not sure. Like my wife had said you’ve never had panic attacks until you have one. Anyway, I’m just curious if your anxiety and symptoms were obvious to you during WD and that they faded outside of your normal GAD.