tryingtosurvive330: extreme hunger but no appetite - coupled with high cortisol levels upon waking, dark thoughts and hopelessness, upset stomach

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimc thank you so much for telling me that. I’m a senior manager too now and I felt so strange about it. I knew something wasn’t right but I’ve been gaslighted so many times I don’t understand what is normal anymore. I have always been a top performer. I remembered when I started I really disliked my boss. But he made me his “project” and after awhile I started to feel like “he cares about my well being and my career, so I have to please him.” I had so much guilt about leaving people hanging but I gave way too much of myself. I was told I get taken advantage of and as with all things, when you’re good at what you do they expect more. I am going to check out that book, it might be the right thing for me to focus on when I get my break. There were a couple days where I felt like I couldn’t handle this and looked at other jobs, but the thought of change and “what if it’s like this or worse elsewhere” made me really fearful. 

[mstimc]

Making someone a "project" is just another way of controlling them.  At first you appreciate the support but it can become smothering.  Your boss may also be insecure in his job and sees you as helping him keep it.  Try taking a step back and think about what you'd tell a friend in your situation.  Maybe that can give you some extra perspective.   We take so much value from our jobs it can easily get mixed up with our personal sense of worth.  No matter what you decide, you are worthy of being happy!

[tryingtosurvive330]

2 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Making someone a "project" is just another way of controlling them.  At first you appreciate the support but it can become smothering.  Your boss may also be insecure in his job and sees you as helping him keep it. 

I never thought of that but it makes a lot of sense. He always framed it as he believes in me and I’m capable of great things, but I do butt heads with him a lot and he acts as though my input is valuable and a couple times thanked me for “kicking his ass” into being proactive about some things. But he’s also always interrupting me to the point where one day he said it seemed like I was tense and disagreeable. I told him how disrespectful it is when he doesn’t let me finish. He apologized and I can tell he really tries to not do that, but it’s in his blood and i know sometimes he’s not listening even though he’s “hearing” me. You’re right about him being insecure about his job. Several “million dollar mistakes” have occurred on his watch, not by him but by his employees who are actual under performers. He is a C-level executive and he always says “I never cross the line from work into friendship” but I know he sees me as a friend and has said to me many times that this mistake could be the nail in his coffin. This guy is insanely smart, so smart that he cannot execute any one thing cleanly because he has too many ideas and an ADD type personality. His brain runs faster than anything he can actually do. 
 

you’re right, I have really appreciated the support and that’s what made me feel like maybe I’m wrong. Another coworker said he had Stockholm syndrome and I thought...that’s kind of a good way of putting it. 

[mstimc]

4 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

has said to me many times that this mistake could be the nail in his coffin.

I used to tell my crew the successes were theirs and the mistakes were mine.  When you're a boss you take responsibility for everything that happens on your watch.  Whining to your employees isn't part of the bargain.  It sounds like you're right--he is very insecure, and too smart for his own good.  He shouldn't dump his issues on you or anyone else.

[tryingtosurvive330]

3 minutes ago, mstimc said:

9 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

 

I used to tell my crew the successes were theirs and the mistakes were mine.  When you're a boss you take responsibility for everything that happens on your watch. 

I really like the first line of this. I always thought the same of the second, and somehow I lost that compass here. 
 

Thanks for listening to my story. I always look forward to what you have to say and it makes me feel better. I have felt very alone in this situation and that no one really understands and if I try to explain to someone close, I somehow convince myself that they are just agreeing with me to be sympathetic and maybe they don’t really get it. When you provide your real life experiences it really helps me. 

[mstimc]

1 minute ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Thanks for listening to my story. I always look forward to what you have to say and it makes me feel better. I have felt very alone in this situation and that no one really understands and if I try to explain to someone close, I somehow convince myself that they are just agreeing with me to be sympathetic and maybe they don’t really get it. When you provide your real life experiences it really helps me.

Thank you so much, Trying.  That really means a lot to me.  I try to help when and where I can.  Having dealt with anxiety/OCD, withdrawal, and recovery I know what how lonely it can be.  We all need to support each other.

[tryingtosurvive330]

Feb27-Feb28

8-9am writing and reading in SA. Anxious and stressed. 
9am 0.15mg escitalopram

10:45-12pm drove back to my house. Haven’t slept in my house for over a month because I’ve been staying with mother due to wd and visited brother. 
12-12:35pm checked mail, checked things around house. Was really trying to figure out what took me this much time and I don’t remember what I did in this 35 minutes. 
1:15-4:30pm sat outside overlooking beach with a friend and ate food. Talked about the severe depression and anxiety and job woes we are both going through. We are both single and alone as well although it doesn’t seem to bother her. 
5pm back at my home. Sitting on couch. Feeling like I should clean, organize and make my home feel comforting. But every time I get up, I don’t know where to start or what to do. Debating on if I want to stay or go back to mothers. FaceTimed mom to let her know I was sitting on couch and I guess would try to stay the night here. Feeling nervous. 
7:45pm ate a can of chili. Felt bad about it because it’s unhealthy and my mom had asked me in the morning if I wanted to take food because I had had trouble preparing and eating due to my depression. I said no because it seemed like a hassle. Then I ate this crap because there was nothing else. Glued to couch all night. 
10pm laid down, but still on couch. For months in 2020 I slept on the couch with my weighted blanket. I felt uneasy going back to my bed because I had started to do that in January when wd was horrible and right now it reminds me of that feeling. Kept tv on concurrent with Calm sleep sound all night. had forgotten my eye mask. 
10:30-11pm fell asleep

2:30am woke up 

4:30am woke up

6:30am woke up. Past two hours of “sleep” weren’t too deep. 
7am awake. Stayed laying down and squirming. 
8am spent last hour staying on couch, bathroom about 3 times. Not sure what to do with the day. Calm anxiety meditation. Uneasy and fearful about tomorrow. 
 

 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

On 2/8/2021 at 1:56 PM, Dejavu said:

Firstly, I use at least an 8 to 10 hour sleep hypnosis video. My favorites are done by Lauren Fenton Ostrowski or Jason Stephenson. Set it up once and done. I don't know how any of them end, because I'm out in less than a half hour. I also think it's best to put the sleeping mask on even though it is still dark.

Dejavu, I only just tried to check out these two people on YouTube last night. I found the 8-10 hour videos but they seemed to be all music and no words/hypnosis. Were you using ones with just music? I don’t know why but music when I feel this bad always makes me feel pretty melancholy and sad. It makes me envision an empty silent earth which I think if I felt normal I might like, but right now it makes me feel lonely which is already a big problem for me. So I was hoping there was one with words or noise. Because you had said you don’t know how they end, I was wondering if the ones you found had verbal content. 
 

I have been putting on the mask at the beginning of the night as you suggested. Haven’t been sleeping more, but I would say the sleep is slightly better in the morning as I know I’ll still have relaxing darkness in my eyes. 

[mstimc]

33 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Feeling like I should clean, organize and make my home feel comforting. But every time I get up, I don’t know where to start or what to do

 

Trying, the most important thing is to start.  Even if you only clean a small corner of one room, that's an achievement.  Do what you can and don't force it.  But make the start.

 

34 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Uneasy and fearful about tomorrow. 

I totally understand this, given you current situation and your boss.   Be confident that you'll make the decisions and take the actions that are right for you.  You're intelligent and good at your job or you wouldn't be a manager.  Trust in your talents.

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimc I was able to do a little bit. It took me a long time just to get through a quarter of my mail. I started crying because I know I should believe that I can trust myself but every day I feel like I’m running out of time. My house is big and I’m alone, and I oscillate between thinking maybe if I take time to decorate and make it comforting vs I should just sell this place. But both seem so overwhelming and the second option opens up so many more questions...where would I go? If I do the first, will I affect my financial future as I will be on leave for who knows how long?

 

All the meditations say to be present and just think about right now. I’m struggling so much with doing that. I keep wondering if I’m really in wd or if this is just me. I reread some of the threads on here and one said maybe stressful events can be a tipping point. I wonder if the work tipped my wd or if my wd tipped my work. I’m so upset that I’m like this and I see others who are fine. Honestly, I am jealous. I’m angry that I’m in this situation and that it’s such a long and painful and unnecessary journey. I’m sad that I look at myself and think what a waste. 

[mstimc]

You are in WD, don't doubt that.  For now, settle with cleaning and organizing what you have.  You can make decisions about the house when you're in a better place.  

 

I, too, had periods of jealousy about others' perceived recovery.  They seemed to be making more progress than me.  But I had to accept my healing would come in its own time.  I spent quite a while "stuck" in one place, but looking back I can see I was making some progress even then.  Every day you get out of bed is a victory.   There is never a wrong time to begin recovery.   Blaming yourself for the time you "lost" won't get you any closer to recovery.   Concentrate on thoughts and behaviors that'll help instead of dwelling on the past.  The past doesn't have to control your future.  You can and will recover if you cut yourself some slack and let it take its course.  You have worth--there are so many people here to support you and help you through this.  We've all been through it and we're proof you can recover, too.  

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Feel a little tired. Woke up with mild anxiety in chest and stomach, dissipating. 
 

Feb28-Mar1

9am 0.15mg escitalopram. Spent a few minutes trying to clean. 
9:20 reading responses on SA. Cried. Cleaned a bit more. 
11:30am drove back to moms house. 
12:30pm small lunch. About 300 calories. 
1-2pm sat outside, tried to watch tv, not sure what to do with myself. Last two weekends was at brothers and distracted. Before that was not able to do too much on the weekend. Now feeling uneasy. 
2-3:45pm went and laid in bed. falling asleep, nodding off while looking at my phone. Fell asleep briefly but interrupted by mom and dog. Probably slept for about 45 mins or an hour in this time. Kept being jolted awake by negative and anxious thoughts about work. Feeling stressed.  Wanted to keep sleeping to ignore the day even though I was anxious about wanting to feel accomplished. 
4:20pm ten minute dog walk. Came back, tv on in background, read a lot on SA until dinner

7pm dinner, ate a good amount

8pm shower. Used to enjoy baths and now not very motivated or interested. Thought about it and decided on just shower. Tv again, more reading in SA. 
10:30pm laid down. Tv and Calm sleep sound on concurrently like night before. Brought my weighted anxiety blanket from home which I used the night before too. 
11:30pm fell asleep

3:30am woke up. Felt somewhat conscious during the “sleep”

5:30am woke up. Same feeling of wasn’t really asleep. Anxiety in chest and stomach. Bad dreams
6:45am awake. Didn’t feel like I was asleep most of the night. 
7am Calm anxiety meditation. 5 mins news. Writing here. Somehow that took an hour and it’s 8am now. Was also researching antibiotics because I had read a success story on here last night about how an antibiotic threw someone in a wave and it made me think about how one antibiotic had made me so dizzy I couldn’t walk years ago. I just had to google and Google until I remembered what it was. Now it’s 8am. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Mar1-Mar2

8:45-12pm work, talked to boss again, so tired of it. Pretty sure he’s thinking I’m leaving and is planning my replacement. 
12pm small lunch

1pm ten minute dog walk then back to work until 6pm

2pm drank 200mg magnesium bisglycinate. Haven’t been doing this. Felt desperate and wanted something that might calm me/make me feel better/sleep better at night. Couldn’t tell if it did anything. 
6pm had a few seconds where I felt maybe I could handle this work. Then it crashed and I felt anger for all the ways I felt wronged over the last couple years and I was put in an impossible position. If some of this stuff had occurred a year or two ago I might have been more successful. 
6:30 small dinner 

7-9pm sat in front of tv

9pm laid down, read a few pages of book on the iPad (also have not been doing this) and supportive coworker was texting until 9:45. However this just made me think about work as I was going to bed. 
10pm turned off lights

10:30pm fell asleep

2:45am woke up. Looked at clock expecting that it was 6am but it was 2:45. Don’t know if that was a good or bad thing. 
5:50am woke up. Kept eyes closed but wasn’t falling back asleep. Some anxiety and work thoughts. 
6:25am looked at phone to see if I had slept, nope. Closed eyes again. Not feeling tired, but feeling desperate to sleep more thinking I really need it. 
7:10am woke up. Probably slept about 20 minutes over last hour. Writing on SA. Calm anxiety meditation. 
 

Slept under my weighted blanket last three nights- first at my house on the couch, the last two nights at moms house in bed. Feel a little more glued to bed. I think it feels better but not sure because I’m still waking up several times. Also been sleeping propped up on a pillow. 

[mstimc]

Hi Trying

 

How's the work situation?

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimc it’s not great. I feel like I went from being at the top to being looked at as another dispensable employee. I’m not sure if I mentioned that the turnover in our department is the highest in the company. With a few of the positions indiscriminate of level, they stayed until the next person was up to speed. My boss posed it as helping them have a “runway”. But now I see it was just him having the fear of not knowing what to do if they just left. Yesterday, he made the comment of “if you need a runway of course I would grant that to you, especially you” because in the past he talked negatively of those people but to me he’s always been positive. I think he believes I just want the disability leave and will bail and is already setting up a plan for if I do. He’s making it all out to seem like this is my choice and he doesn’t want to put me in distress but really a lot of this is triggered by him and the work and the poor guidance. 
 

I felt like I slept a bit better but when I’d wake up, the anxious thoughts about work traveled through my gut. He said I can take my vacation so I can still receive my bonus and disability doesn’t muddy it up. I’m just getting confused and talking every day about how I feel with him was nice in the beginning but now I feel there is an alternate agenda. 

[mstimc]

Your boss is a real piece of work.  I've seen some estimates that as many as 75% of people leave their jobs because of their bosses.  Your boss proves it.  I've seen guys like him--they appear to be supportive, helpful, and active,  but their actually very weak leaders who are more interested in how things affect them and their image instead the good of their crews.  He doesn't have the integrity to support you nor the guts to have a difficult discussion.  When I was a manager I put a lot of effort into being a good leader.  I did mentor quite a few employees but I never felt it necessary to tell them I was mentoring them; that's patronizing. I just asked them if they were interested in learning more about the job than just their duties.   He may be a nice guy on a personal level, but he's not much of a boss. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimc thanks for your insight. I remember that when I started I could not stand him. It took me at least a year to be ok working for him. But now I feel guilt and question myself about it. I still can’t figure out how to separate him being a nice guy but a terrible boss. I have a lot of resentment towards him and the company now. He will tell me no one understands the amount of work we have to do - but when they speak negatively of us, shouldn’t he be strong enough to articulate that?

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimcalso agree on telling someone you’re mentoring them. I remember he would tell me about board meetings and when I came up and they would question what we were getting done he would say “I’m giving her the experience”. Like I’m being done a huge favor.

[mstimc]

I real boss is an advocate for his or crew.  Even when I had a bad egg, nobody knew except me and the employee; I never whined about it.  I also made sure my employees got the credit they earned.  IMO, my performance as a manager was reflected in how well my crew did; the more I did the support them, the better I and my team looked to others.  

 

12 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

“I’m giving her the experience”. Like I’m being done a huge favor.

 

Exactly!  I strongly believed in "stretch goals" for my folks but to the outside world it was a typical assignment that I expected would be done professionally.  And I didn't tolerate anyone belittling one of my employees.  I was known for saying "If you have a problem, take it up with me, not my employee." 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimc right, I felt like I should be portrayed as being able to do the current job I was in and that’s why I was hired. Not as an apprentice or to make me a product of someone else’s work. I wish I could articulate this to my boss. 

[mstimc]

2 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I wish I could articulate this to my boss. 

That's a tough conversation because your boss doesn't see himself that way.  And he doesn't sound very trustworthy, so even if he said he understood, I'm not sure you could trust him to change his ways.  But don't let his bad habits make you question your talent or expertise--you've earned your position based on your skills, not his.   I bet people who know him know what he's like and know you're good at your job.

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimc thanks for the reassurance. I used to remind myself of that and now I feel I don’t know what normal is anymore. I don’t know the proper ways to interact and deal with things I used to be able to see with a clear head and rationally say it’s not me, it’s them. 

[mstimc]

4 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

@mstimc thanks for the reassurance. I used to remind myself of that and now I feel I don’t know what normal is anymore. I don’t know the proper ways to interact and deal with things I used to be able to see with a clear head and rationally say it’s not me, it’s them. 

Sometimes, we have to be our own champions.  About 10 years ago, my boss was nearing retirement and pretty much clocked himself off the job.  I couldn't really depend on him for guidance or advocacy.  I used the contacts I'd built in other departments to get my job done and advance our organization's goals and programs.  I know what's it like to be in WD and recovery and be full of doubt, but never doubt it--you're good at what you do.  Better than your boss!

[tryingtosurvive330]

doesn’t feel great but this is probably the best night of sleep I’ve had since withdrawal started. 
 

8:45am work

9am 0.15mg escitalopram

12pm small lunch and ten minute dog walk

1pm back to work. Reading a lot on SA, not focused. Frustrated with work

2:30-3:30 sipped on 200mg of magnesium bisglycinate. Pissed off at boss and consultant for seemingly leaving me out of discussions, and having to have additional meetings to repeat what was said. Like playing telephone. later learned I was supposed to be in them and the consultant didn’t include me. Made me feel somewhat better. But boss spoke somewhat negatively of him - I also want boss to realize his expectations are too high even though for a moment I felt good that he was saying something negative about someone else. Again just made me realize...boss  should never be saying this stuff to me. It’s unprofessional. We also talked about me being able to take another two weeks of my vacation off end of the month to give me another break before I can go on leave. 

5:30pm because of that interaction, I was feeling good. Part of me felt guilty (about taking pleasure in the negative comments of another. I don’t want that to feel normal and I’ve always hated that. But here i became desensitized to it) but I tried to just say...I feel good and haven’t felt that in forever so I’m going to try to enjoy it. I even started to feel gratitude for a few minutes that I had a job and was not worrying about the future at that moment. I don’t know the last time I was able to feel that. 
6:45pm ate a good dinner. 
7-9pm back to feeling how I have been all the other nights. Just blah and sitting on the couch “watching tv” but mostly on my phone 

9:15 laid in bed. Read 25 pages of book on iPad...brene browns “rising strong” and it resonated with me today.  It was about how people are doing the best they can in the moment. I thought of my boss and felt a little better. But that’s gone today as I’m writing this. 
9:55pm eye mask and closed eyes. Calm sleep sound and Netflix on iPad on. Under weighted anxiety blanket again. 

10:30pm fell asleep

4:30am woke up. Not sure if I woke up at other points in the night. If not, this is the longest stretch of sleep without something like Benadryl in weeks. I did have the magnesium earlier in the day.  Throat was so itchy and sore. Felt like I was sick  Fell back asleep

6:15am woke up. Throat no longer sore but feeling sensitive. Laid there, eyes closed. Had bad dreams in last couple hours. Didn’t really sleep again. Drifted a little

7am awake. Some anxiety, anger, frustration. Churning in stomach. Went to bathroom, listened to Claire weekes mp3 that Aeroman (has a lexapro success story) sent me. Calm anxiety meditation and then writing on SA. 
 

[mstimc]

12 minutes ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Like playing telephone. later learned I was supposed to be in them and the consultant didn’t include me. Made me feel somewhat better. But boss spoke somewhat negatively of him - I also want boss to realize his expectations are too high even though for a moment I felt good that he was saying something negative about someone else. Again just made me realize...boss  should never be saying this stuff to me. It’s unprofessional.

It sounds like your boss is good at deflection.  If he's responsible for dealing with the consultant, he should have known who would be attending the meeting.  

 

Anyway, I think you're okay feeling a bit of satisfaction at your boss' reaction.  At the very least, it means he's not singling you out for better (or worse) treatment.  Your boss certainly isn't a model leader, but at least he treats everyone with the same level of disingenuousness (if that's a word). 🙂 

[tryingtosurvive330]

@mstimcthis is true. I knew that later on I wouldn’t feel great about it because you never do it it’s at someone else’s expense. 

[mstimc]

Just now, tryingtosurvive330 said:

@mstimcthis is true. I knew that later on I wouldn’t feel great about it because you never do it it’s at someone else’s expense. 

Well, its no big deal.

 

Just as an aside, I had a rep for being hell on consultants.  I used to say they charge three times an employee's hourly rate to tell you what you already know.  😄

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Shep I’m starting to get worried about when I will start to taper off my microdose. I have it in my head that I haven’t been on antidepressants since November but then I realize, I am still taking it every day. When I do start to taper off this microdose I’m fearing how bad it will be. Will I be thrown back to the horrible pain I had in December and January? How long do you think I should “stabilize” before attempting to come down?

[Shep]

19 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

@Shep I’m starting to get worried about when I will start to taper off my microdose. I have it in my head that I haven’t been on antidepressants since November but then I realize, I am still taking it every day. When I do start to taper off this microdose I’m fearing how bad it will be. Will I be thrown back to the horrible pain I had in December and January? How long do you think I should “stabilize” before attempting to come down?

 

Overall, are you feeling any better? Would you be able to tolerate an uptick in symptoms?

 

If so, you could test the waters with a micro-taper and see how you feel. 

 

Micro-taper instead of 10% or 5% decreases

 

The Brassmonkey Slide Method of Micro-tapering

 

While you don't want to go too fast and too soon that your nervous system can't keep up, continuing to hold while still having a lot of symptoms can lead to battle fatigue from being sick for so long. So it's a bit of a "rock and a hard place" scenario. 

 

Please post your thoughts. 

[tryingtosurvive330]

2 hours ago, Shep said:

Overall, are you feeling any better? Would you be able to tolerate an uptick in symptoms?

I’m definitely feeling better than at the initial start of WD. Still feel crappy but I’m able to work (not very efficiently) and I have been eating variable amounts. I think I could handle a small uptick in symptoms but I do still get very upset when I feel bad. 

 

2 hours ago, Shep said:

While you don't want to go too fast and too soon that your nervous system can't keep up, continuing to hold while still having a lot of symptoms can lead to battle fatigue from being sick for so long. So it's a bit of a "rock and a hard place" scenario. 

Do you mean, that even if I have lots of symptoms, staying at a hold while having them could be worse/more tiring/possibly not beneficial in the long run (like if I’m going to feel bad anyway, I could try the micro taper?)

 

I think after looking at the micro taper thread I could try 0.14mg and start in a couple days. 
 

i can’t find much in the way of other escitalopram users who reinstated an amount as low as I did - any idea of trends that occurred? Nervous to start this but I was thinking about become dependent on even this small dose and started worrying a lot. 

 

I was able to schedule another two weeks off of work at the end of March.  Initially I would have thought time off is the perfect time to taper but now I’m wondering if that will leave me alone to only think about the symptoms and make me feel worse. Feeling confused. 
 

Mar3-Mar4

 

worse sleep last night but still “as good” or slightly better than weeks past. 
 

8:30am started work

12:40pm small lunch

2:45-4:15pm therapy. Last couple weeks not many, If any, tears. More anger.

6pm ended work

6:30pm-7:15pm sipping on 200mg magnesium bisglycinate. Forgot to do earlier in the day like I did the last couple days. feeling ok, indifferent, a little empty. Lower backache. 
7:45pm 1 tylenol

8pm small snack. It had a little bit of sugar on it. 
9pm blue blocker glasses (was without them this whole time and finally ordered new pair). Laid in bed, read book on iPad 

10pm eye mask, closed eyes. Netflix and calm sleep sound on low. 
10:30pm fell asleep
3:30am woke up

6am woke up. Had been half awake for awhile. Kept eyes closed, tossing and turning. Some anxiety and stomach churning

7am awake. SA, listen to Claire weekes mp3

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

@Shep also...am I overthinking this, in that I’m so worried that I’ll become dependent on the microdose that it will be every bit as bad as coming off the 10mg?

[Shep]

22 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

Do you mean, that even if I have lots of symptoms, staying at a hold while having them could be worse/more tiring/possibly not beneficial in the long run (like if I’m going to feel bad anyway, I could try the micro taper?)

 

Yes, that's a good assessment. Carrying a 10 pound weight at the start of a marathon is no big deal. But if you're still carrying that 10 pound weight at the 20 mile mark, it may feel like 100 pounds. If that 10 pound weight represents withdrawal symptoms, you can see how a moderate symptom might feel like a major symptom as you become more and more exhausted from your journey.

 

You've been holding for awhile and if you feel you've gotten as much benefit from the reinstatement as possible, you may want to start a microtaper and test the waters. 

 

22 hours ago, tryingtosurvive330 said:

I think after looking at the micro taper thread I could try 0.14mg and start in a couple days. 

 

You're currently at .15 mg, so going to .14 mg is a 6.67% drop, which is reasonable. 

 

Please let us know how you do. 

 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

I wrote this yesterday but looks like it didn’t post. Not sure what happened.

 

@Shepbased on what Alto said on the first thread about tapering 0.01mg for each micro taper, do you think this means I should do less because I’m on a microdose (I guess I am asking if the 0.01mg was in reference to microtapering off a normal dose, like 10 or 5mg)? I know that right now 0.01mg is 6.67% so it’s still small, but once I get down to .1mg, 0.01mg of taper will be back to 10%. Would you suggest that I keep going down some small amount each time even at the microdose? 
 

Mar4-Mar5

8:30am start work

12pm smallish lunch. 10 minute dog walk. Mom came and was moody/irritated with her. Came back, 1 Tylenol for back

2pm sipping 200mg magnesium 

5:45pm stopped working. Read news in silence. Felt ok but not great. Just glad to have stopped working and trying not to worry about tomorrow

6:10pm turned on tv

6:45pm dinner, lots of veggies. FaceTimed nephews and felt happy. Sad when they hung up

7:30pm tv on but not paying attention. Mostly on phone reading news or texting and scrolling a lot through SA. 
blue blockers on at 8pm

10pm laid down and closed eyes with eye mask. Netflix and calm sleep sounds on

10:30pm asleep

2:20am woke up. Frustrated that it’s so early and I woke up

5am woke up. Tossing and turning and not feeling like I can sleep again. Maybe fell asleep

6am woke up. Tossing. Anxious thoughts about work and my interactions there, and slight churning stomach. At this point, I know I can’t sleep again because the work thoughts are too strong. 
7am SA, Netflix on in background on iPad. Listen to Claire weekes mp3 and trying to just lay here peacefully

[tryingtosurvive330]

Mar5-Mar6

7:45am answering work emails early in bed on my phone. Feeling mad. 

8:30am turned on computer

8:50pm really bad mood about work. Boss irritating me and making me angry. Poor communication for years. Thinking I can’t deal with this nonsense and bs. Irritated and angry at everyone. Is this neuro emotion? Have felt like this for a long time but In the past pushed it down and it didn’t get to me as much. 

9am 0.14mg escitalopram (first day of micro taper)

12pm small lunch. Ten minute dog walk

2:25pm received encouraging card from brothers family at my moms house where I’ve been staying. Started to cry and felt really sad. Should have made me happy but I felt awful and sad. drank 200mg magnesium bisglycinate. Talked to coworker and expressed many frustrations and set up lunch for next week. 
3:15pm still feeling horrible about work, thinking I hate this place and don’t want to be anywhere near some of these people ever

6pm dinner, ate decent amount, feeling full. Tv on but not paying attention, on phone all night texting, reading news and dumb buzzfeed things

10:20pm laid down, documented day in journal 

11pm asleep

3:40am woke up 

5:15am woke up. Bad dreams, anxious, feeling behind on everything and alone

6:27am awake. Stomach churning, feeling bad about myself

6:40am had to get up for bowel movement because of stomach

7am Claire weekes mp3, sitting in bed, Netflix iPad on, writing on SA

 

It has been two months of waking every day at 3-4am. Does this ever stop? It’s not giving me extreme anxiety like in the beginning but I feel like this is going to last forever. I wear the eye mask every night. I’m so frustrated. 

 

[tryingtosurvive330]

Is it possible I’m still in WD from Zoloft in 2018? Would it even matter now if I were?

[Jennings]

What are you listening to on Calm now?