BrokenWings: recovering

[BrokenWings]

@arbor I am glad that you are showing signs of improvement, even if they are subtle. I am sorry about your insensitive neighbor, people can be so rude. I hope your improvement continues.

 

I will continue to post updates periodically of any improvements or setbacks towards my recovery. We will heal from this... be strong! 💪 💙

[arbor]

Dear @BrokenWingsI keep reading this message--again and again.  Thank you🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Your (wobbly) comrade in recovery,

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

I just came out from another debilitating wave . Just when I thought I might be nearing the end... BAM go back in your hole! This is extremely frustrating, but I will continue to wait this out. I am understanding that this is a long process and I may need much more time to heal than I anticipated given my lengthy drug history.

 

This wave was very similar to waves I have had near the beginning of this whole process. I endured physical symptoms along with the crippling emotional and mental symptoms. Hopefully I am getting closer to the end, the uncertainty is really killing me.

[arbor]

Dear @BrokenWings--So glad to hear from you.  Also glad that you're out of this last wave.  I can relate to it only too well.  It does seem we're in for the long haul.  The fact that you have windows though is a positive sign.  You have it in you to get better.  It seems unlikely to me that you won't get better and better, despite the discouragement of the recurrent waves.

Thinking of you💜

Arb

[BrokenWings]

@arbor Thanks! I hope all is well with you. How have you been doing lately? Any improvements in your recovery?

[arbor]

Thanks for asking @BrokenWings.  In the first 18 mo's of w/d from zero, I had windows occasionally.  For many months, however, since then, I rarely have windows for longer than a couple of hours, and not many of those.  The akathisia, SI, etc. has been excruciating.  Most recently, memory has become a problem.  This morning has been relatively ok.  The tinnitus isn't as imposing and my left toe is less numb.  Whenever there's even a temporary improvement, I tend to get overexcited 😯  I'll go to to my intro to continue so as not to crowd your site.

Sending tons of healing wishes🚩

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

I've been stuck in a neutral state the last few weeks. It's like being in between a wave and window. I don't feel great but at the same time I don't feel so horrible that I can't function or enjoy things. I am curious if others have experienced this sort of in between feeling during their withdrawal journey. This is the second time I have experienced this and the first time ended in a sudden crash that led to a deep wave.

[arbor]

Hi @BrokenWings  So good to get your update.  Is what you're feeling something like anhedonia?  Here's a link.  There's a lot on here.   

Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, emotional anesthesia

Recently all I can think about is the wave I'm in (because it feels so scarey), but before this I believe I've often been in a state similar to what you describe.  Doing what I can even though I don't feel well.  Also, when I'm at work, I can usually (with a lot of effort) ignore what I'm feeling and stay focused.  It might be easier for me at work because I like what I'm doing, and feel positively about the other people.  Plus I'm only able to work part-time right now. 

If I accidentally find myself in negative situations I immediately plunge into a wave.  I've grown very afraid of them.  Thus I'm currently a hermit.  Much of my time in this state is, I imagine, similar to what you describe.  Reading has gotten easier.  It's not exactly relaxing, but it's not agitating.  

 

I truly hope you won't go into a crash followed by a deep wave.  Are you taking fish oil or magnesium?  I find reading studies that show how they may help, hopeful.

Here's to all of us being done with this,

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

@arborYes, I definitely have been struggling with anhedonia. It developed while I was on the drug and has persisted in withdrawal. It is a terrible symptom that has not lifted.

 

I have been taking fish oil and magnesium.

 

I hope all is well with you.

[BrokenWings]

1 hour ago, arbor said:

Reading has gotten easier.  It's not exactly relaxing, but it's not agitating.

@arbor Reading has also been difficult for me. I find it very hard to focus and retain information that was read.

[arbor]

Hi @BrokenWings  

On 3/16/2022 at 2:25 PM, BrokenWings said:

I find it very hard to focus and retain information that was read.

I have to read everything over and over.  The News right now is especially distressing.  I hope that you are doing ok for today.  The fact that we both are improving so slowly reassures me that it's part of the recovery trajectory for the AD's we were on.

Best to you,

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

@arbor Indeed, the news is very distressing with all that is going on right now. I am doing well today and I hope you are as well. We will heal from this... I am hopeful for all of us. 💙

[persistente]

On 3/15/2022 at 8:11 PM, BrokenWings said:

I've been stuck in a neutral state the last few weeks. It's like being in between a wave and window. I don't feel great but at the same time I don't feel so horrible that I can't function or enjoy things. I am curious if others have experienced this sort of in between feeling during their withdrawal journey. This is the second time I have experienced this and the first time ended in a sudden crash that led to a deep wave.

I think this is a good thing. It is a road of recovery for some of us. It has been for me. I have been at the position you are describing. And it did get better. It still does get better. Neutral state ended with crash few times during last year. It was changed with milder and more rare waves. Longer windows. Neutral state comes sometimes again but it comes for few days...

 

[BrokenWings]

3 hours ago, persistente said:

I think this is a good thing. It is a road of recovery for some of us. It has been for me. I have been at the position you are describing. And it did get better. It still does get better. Neutral state ended with crash few times during last year. It was changed with milder and more rare waves. Longer windows. Neutral state comes sometimes again but it comes for few days...

@Persistence Thank you for letting me know. It is encouraging and reassuring to hear from others that have experienced these symptoms and recovered. I hope this is the case for me and that I am getting closer to recovery. I hope all is well with you.

[BrokenWings]

  I crashed hard into a horrible wave which lasted seven days . The usual symptoms of extreme anxiety, depression, tinnitus, and ruminating/suicidal thoughts. I am just so frustrated with this crap. It appears the windows and waves are getting further apart, but I don't feel like I am improving. I still have zero ability to handle any sort of stress.

 

In this window anhedonia is still present, but it appears to be less intense. I went for a walk yesterday and had brief moments of euphoric feelings which I had not felt in awhile. These are promising signs I am inching closer towards recovery, but it is at an absurdly slow rate.

[arbor]

Dear @BrokenWings  It's really good of you to share your trajectory.  The fact that you could feel euphoric feelings suggests to me for sure you're going to pull further and further out of w/d.  From what you're describing and what I experience, the brain's repair seems to be a fragile process.  I'm sorry you had to endure the recent crash.  Did you feel that something brought it on in particular?  Does diet make a difference for you?  Are you able to sleep?  What do you think helps you the most--both in getting better as well as getting through the terrible (TERRIBLE) waves?

 

Here's to everyone's recovery💜

Warm hug,

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

36 minutes ago, arbor said:

Did you feel that something brought it on in particular?

@arborI can't think of anything that brought it on other than stress build up.

 

40 minutes ago, arbor said:

Does diet make a difference for you?

I have been eating a clean plant based diet since the start of withdrawal. I do notice that if I slip in my diet or have too much sugar it can trigger a wave.

 

41 minutes ago, arbor said:

Are you able to sleep?

When I am not in a wave my sleep is pretty regular. When I am in a wave I have pretty bad insomnia.

 

41 minutes ago, arbor said:

What do you think helps you the most--both in getting better as well as getting through the terrible (TERRIBLE) waves?

TIME seems to be the only thing that helps getting through terrible waves, not much else seems to help sadly.

[arbor]

Hi @BrokenWings--Thanks for your answers.  Stress is the biggest crasher for me.  (Frankly, I find anything can be stressful--)

The fact that you do get some regular sleep outside the waves seems like promising news.  As far as diet goes, I'm trying some Intermittant Fasting.  I have no idea whether it's helping.  Here's a study anyway, if by chance you're interested:

 

Effects of Intermittent Fasting on Brain Metabolism.

Brocchi A, et al. Nutrients. 2022. PMID: 35334932 Free PMC article. Review.

 

Sigh, and I agree, time--I trust--is on our side.

 

Thinking of you,

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

  It's been awhile since I last updated my situation. Since my last update I am still experiencing waves and windows. However, the waves have been much shorter; lasting about two to three days. My mood is still in a neutral state during windows. I am still suffering from anhedonia, anxiety, depression, tinnitus and a lack of any stress tolerance.

 

  I am curious as to how I will hold up in the next month as I am in the process of moving. I am already feeling the effects of the stress and have had mini crashes this past week. Overall, I am still healing and I don't feel anywhere close to normal yet, but I at least feel like there is some progress.

[arbor]

Wonderful to read your update @BrokenWingsI'm so glad the general trend is toward progress.  

The thought of moving sounds challenging for sure.  I hope it goes smoothly.

Sending best wishes,

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

@arbor Thank you for your warm wishes. Moving is challenging indeed. It is said to be the most stressful of all life events. I hope you are well and are also trending towards progress.

[arbor]

Amazingly enough--I seem to be improving.  I actually have come into a window.  I say, amazing, because it's been so long.  Let's see, roughly 41 months.  Perhaps getting 6 rather than 4 hours of sleep a night for a couple of weeks is helping.  Better mood, more patience.  I can tap into a space of inner calm that hasn't been available.  It's lack has made my life miserable.  Enduring without it has felt impossible.  Even though I know this window is likely to revert, it's giving me confidence--for myself and all of us.

I hope you are able to take care of yourself during the move.  I would be moving if I felt strong enough.

Glad you're there, @BrokenWings

Arbor🙏

[BrokenWings]

@arbor I am so glad to hear that you are improving and experiencing a window after so long.

1 hour ago, arbor said:

I hope you are able to take care of yourself during the move.  I would be moving if I felt strong enough.

I am doing the best I can to manage all the stress from moving. I am not sure I am strong enough, but I am pushing through it.

[BrokenWings]

It has been awhile since I last updated. I am still in the process of moving and it is really taking a toll. However, I am handling the stress overload better than I anticipated. I have had wild mood swings and mini crashes, but they only have lasted about 1 day. This is far better than being bedridden for 7 to 10 days. I have been more irritable and anhedonia is sadly still present . I am hopeful that after the move is completed I will continue to see more improvements.

[arbor]

Dear @BrokenWings--I always look forward to your posts, but just realized that I hadn't answered the one above.  Since you sent it, I've been responding in my thoughts, but had forgotten that it was still only in my head!  I am in awe that you can be handling moving AT ALL.  I sure bet you feel the toll.  Yet, congratulations for handling the swings and crashes.  It's very positive news that you are showing signs of improvement.  I agree, once you're settled, you'll see more signs.  More and more signs until this suffering is a nightmare of the past.  On top of that, you'll be free of the drug, itself.

🦾🦾🦾,

Arbor

 

PS--I'm up & down, but tentatively (maybe, and somewhat perhaps) better.

[BrokenWings]

@arbor I am also in awe with my ability to handle moving thus far. Thank you for your kind words as always. I am delighted to hear that you feel as if you are improving even if it is marginal.

 

I am thinking of you and am grateful for your guidance during this nightmare we are both enduring.

[arbor]

@BrokenWings

11 hours ago, BrokenWings said:

this nightmare we are both enduring

I got this just as I was getting up after a defeated night of barely any sleep.  Tears, tbh, to read this.

 

Continued good thoughts on your move.

[BrokenWings]

It has been some time since my last update so here we go... I have officially moved, but I am still in the process of unpacking and settling in, which I imagine will take several months. My mood has been a roller coaster of ups and downs full of mini waves during the process, but nothing that crippled me.

 

I was optimistic things were headed in the correct direction until about 2 weeks after moving. I had a major setback and crashed hard and I mean really hard. The wave basically crippled me for about 5 days and most of the usual symptoms returned. I am certain it was triggered from the absurd amount of stress I have been under.

 

On top of all of this I believe I have an ear infection. My right ear is paining and I have muffled hearing. I am going to see a doctor soon if this does not heal on its own accord.

[ChessieCat]

6 hours ago, BrokenWings said:

On top of all of this I believe I have an ear infection. My right ear is paining and I have muffled hearing. I am going to see a doctor soon if this does not heal on its own accord.

 

cipro-levaquin-azithromycin-z-pack-and-other-antibiotics

 

Also be aware that some ear drops contain a steroid, and some members have issues with steroids.

 

Please do your own research before taking anything the doctor wants you to take.

 

However, if you do have an infection then you might need to take something to get rid of it.  It's important to understand the possible risks of anything (taking/not taking) that is prescribed and weigh them up and make an informed decision.

 

Another thing to take into consideration is that if you leave an infection for too long then you might end up having to take an antibiotic and/or drops for longer than if you had taken them early.  And/or you might have to use a stronger medication.

 

SA cannot provide general medical advice, only information; and we cannot make the decision about what to do, only you can do that.

 

You can search for things on SA using the site search function or use a search engine and add site:survivingantidepressants.org to the search term.

 

Edited July 15, 2022 by ChessieCat

[BrokenWings]

@ChessieCatThanks for the advice. I will definitely be cautious as I have little to no faith in doctors anymore.

[ChessieCat]

3 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Another thing to take into consideration is that if you leave an infection for too long then you might end up having to take an antibiotic and/or drops for longer than if you had taken them early.  And/or you might have to use a stronger medication.

 

SA cannot provide general medical advice, only information; and we cannot make the decision about what to do, only you can do that.

 

I think I was editing my post whilst you were reading it.  The above it what I added.

[ChessieCat]

2 minutes ago, BrokenWings said:

I have little to no faith in doctors anymore.

 

I'm the same.  When I was diagnosed with diabetes last October the doctor wanted me to take a statin (which can cause/worsen diabetes) and metforminin (which can cause/worsen obesity) as well as see a dietician (which would not have been low carb).  So 3 variables.  I did my own research, found about about low carb and after 3 months remitted/reversed my diabetes, improved my cholesterol and improved my BP.  If I had been on the drugs and even with a non low carb diet I possibly would have got improvement because my diet was so bad, and of course the drugs probably would have been praised as working.  But the end result would have been me continuing to take statin and metformin drugs and with whatever side effects they gave me.  As you can imagine I am very thankful.

 

But infections are a bit different.  Sometimes they do clear up themselves, but it depends on how strong the immune system is.  It would be horrible to lose some hearing or go deaf because it was left untreated.

 

Good luck.  It's a tough situation to be in.

[BrokenWings]

@ChessieCat I am thrilled to hear that you were able to reverse your diabetes and avoided an onslaught of drugs which would have likely caused more problems for you. Diet change was a huge help for me as well. I was borderline diabetic at the time of my cold turkey / rapid taper. My cholesterol and sugar levels have since returned to healthy numbers and have stayed there.

 

I am hoping the infection will clear on its own, but at the same time if it does not I am mindful that if I do nothing I risk the loss of hearing. Thank you again for your input.

[arbor]

Dear @BrokenWings

Thank you for your update.  I'm glad you were able to get through the move.  Still, it's not surprising that you  got hit with a gnarly wave shortly after.  The infection couldn't have helped.  These waves are so unbelievably challenging.  I'm sorry you're going through it and hoping both it and the ear infection resolve soon.  I also hope that you're pleased with the move, and that your new home will provide a good place where you can continue healing.

As always, glad you're there 💜

Arbor

[BrokenWings]

@arbor I was not surprised I got hit by the wave, but I sure was disappointed. How have you been doing? Has your sleep improved?

[arbor]

Thank you @BrokenWings  I bet you were disappointed.  (I know my own versions so well--)  After such a monumental effort, and being able to do it, it does make sense that your system would feel taxed.  Our recovery goes a such a minute pace.  I've tagged you from my thread to share in an update.  I'm very boring because I can't handle the slightest stress.  The people closest to me have accepted this.  Often I envy them--able to thrive in the world.  But I've had to give up even envy as of course, it is its own stress.  I feel very strongly about a bunch of things, but expressing an opinion or rallying facts overwhelms me, so I avoid conflict as much as I can.  "Acquired helplessness" is something I read about in trauma studies.  For me it's like being unable to scream under attack--opening my mouth and nothing coming out.  The amount we have to accept in terms of damage and loss during CT w/d (I'm presuming it's better for those who properly taper) is frankly often overwhelming.  I still don't watch much media, but reading has begun to feel actually soothing.  Of course, I'm a wuss about stuff requiring memory.  My closest friend kindly regurgitates the News for me.  He doesn't spare the details, but by being the intermediary, he disarms some of its impact.

 

I love hearing how you're doing.

Arbor