eileen1111: sertraline cold turkey recovery

[eileen1111]

@Nypeaches89 hey! I'm doing a bit better today. In general very up and down and unpredictable, with lots of anxiety which kind of keeps the vicious cycle going, and symptoms like twitches/muscle spasms, derealisation, sensory overload, head pressure etc.... :// 

I'm SO glad to see you're feeling better !! That's wonderful ❤️ Hoping that I'll be seeing improvements by the time I get to a year out, or having clearer/bigger windows

[RachelSusan]

1 hour ago, eileen1111 said:

Trying to understand what is happening is really important for me because it creates an illusion of control over an uncontrollable situation

@eileen1111 Oh my gosh, yes. This is so true.  I tried desperately to understand every little nuance of withdrawal. I think it helped me a lot during this period of time because it did give me an illusion of control, something I desperately needed. Also, it certainly didn't hurt for me to have more knowledge about what was happening to my body. Wow, you managed to say exactly what I was feeling at that time.

[Nypeaches89]

7 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

@Nypeaches89 hey! I'm doing a bit better today. In general very up and down and unpredictable, with lots of anxiety which kind of keeps the vicious cycle going, and symptoms like twitches/muscle spasms, derealisation, sensory overload, head pressure etc.... :// 

I'm SO glad to see you're feeling better !! That's wonderful ❤️ Hoping that I'll be seeing improvements by the time I get to a year out, or having clearer/bigger windows

Of course you will get better. One thing that I read on SA that helped me and turned to be very true is: you don’t have to even believe in your recovery to actually recover. In short this too shall pass. And it’s so true, the brain works in mysterious ways, I’ve been terrible in July and now I’m fine, no reason, just time doing its job, I guess just my brain recovering. You got this! 🌼

[eileen1111]

9 months post zero 

 

hi guys, long-ish update for whoever is interested (and for myself!).

 

• the last 3-4 days I've had really good nights of sleep and woke up without the racing heart and extreme anxiety of the cortisol mornings. Although I never feel refreshed after sleeping and always have my visual/head pressure symptoms, it's a relief when I don't also have the 'activated' racing heart anxiety feeling which fills me with dread. basically, any moment when I'm not feeling actively anxious, I will take gladly. A few symptoms which are improving are the eye twitches, numbness in my face, and the 'whack-a-mole' type stabbing pains I used to get very regularly, I haven't experienced them in a while (touch wood).

• a few small victories. I've been on my own for the last week looking after my dog and I think I managed really well, keeping any fear down, making healthy meals and eating regularly, getting outside, etc. At the start of this year I was terrified to be left on my own by my family, especially in this house which we've moved to in Wales which isn't that familiar, doesn't quite feel like 'home', you know? and an unfamiliar environment can worsen dp/dr symptoms. but I'm slowly starting to feel like it's a safe space and more 'homely'. It's been nice having a little bit more of a feeling of independence, although I'll be glad when my dad and brother get here later today. 

  Another small victory for me is that I went to a local yoga class and wasn't too afflicted by the visual snow/light sensitivity, or if I was I tried not to let it spike my anxiety. the class was gentle and more about nervous system regulation than 'exercise', which is what suits me right now. I had a moment while walking through some autumn leaves and listening to a favourite fleetwood mac song, where i realised i felt 'good'. !!!. a rare thing. i felt quite emotional. 

• I don't really seem to have clear windows/waves patterns. It's more that I have this baseline of symptoms, and sometimes they get worse for days at a time, when my nervous system is triggered. I find it disheartening that I have no solid 'WINDOWS' where I can say, yes, this is a window, I will heal. I feel like when that happens for me I will finally be able to relax and know that I will heal, and be more patient and less obsessive about the whole thing. For now I rely on the tiny moments of relief to get me through the very long days and weeks. 

 

The baseline symptoms are: 

head pressure/headache-y feeling, crackly 'off' feeling in my head like i'm just disconnected or not tuned properly (dissociated?), light sensitivity, mild visual snow, mental and physical fatigue, easily overwhelmed and overstimulated, OCD thought loops such as spelling words over and over, persistent ear worms, occasional popping feelings in my brain, obsessive thoughts, increased baseline anxiety, depression and loneliness as secondary symptoms of having to deal with all this. just feel very raw, vulnerable and scared all the time. takes a huge amount of effort and courage to do anything.

oh and I also have PSSD !!! 😅

 

The additional symptoms I get when nervous system has been stressed for whatever reason:

Insomnia, chemical anxiety feeling and racing heart, dizziness, tinnitus, muscle twitches and spasms, hypnic jerks, suicidal ideation, hot and cold flashes, 'hungover' feeling, dp/dr 

 

 

It looks like a lot when I type it all out there, wow, and to be still getting this at 9 months SSRI free!??? I actually wish I hadn't type it all out now lol. seems more intimidating than the actual experience of it. 

 

 

I just want the head symptoms to go !!!!! for a moment of clear, fog-free existence in my own head 😭

 

 

everyone does seem to say that during the second year off is when a lot more healing and improvement happens, so I'm looking forward to reaching some further milestones down the line. it is very hard living like this, but live I must 

 

 

[eileen1111]

to make it less scary for myself i try to frame it as 'my nervous system is just extremely fatigued and burnt out from the drugs, it will take as much time as it needs to recover and my job is to stay calm and help it on its way'

 

 

some mornings i think to myself, okay, when i used to drink i'd sometimes wake up with hangovers that felt way worse than i feel right now, and then gone to work etc. so this is like a mild-moderate hangover.... that never leaves.... 

 

[RachelSusan]

@eileen1111 I'm so glad you posted. What you list as small victories I see as large victories. Being on your own for a week and managing is monumental. Also, I do hear you about needing to be in a familiar environment to feel safe. It's so important.

 

I am sure at 9 months SSRI free you want to feel normal, however I think you are doing rather well considering what you last year has been like.

 

Below, what a wonderful way to say it and so true.

3 hours ago, eileen1111 said:

it will take as much time as it needs to recover and my job is to stay calm and help it on its way'

 

 

[eileen1111]

Hello @RachelSusan I appreciate your kind words hugely ❤️ 

And yes, I suppose I am doing well enough, all things considering, and that I can't see it right now but future me will look back and realise how well I am coping. I manage to find moments of peace and hope. 

 

I just had a good session with my therapist who is a very soothing woman,  and has an understanding that my nervous system is sensitised. She says that nerves take longer to heal than anything else that goes wrong in the body, the brain counts in months not days. I'm lucky to have her as an ally and as someone who believes in my healing !! 

[eileen1111]

Had an alright day today ☀️ My mood has been lifted loads by my brother being here for a few days. We went down to the beach while there was some nice October sunshine, took the dog, watched the surfers, had tea and muffins sitting outside by the beach, talked lots. Then this evening I found myself being more naturally 'chatty' and engaged while eating dinner with my brother, uncle and dad, rather than just waiting for a chance to escape to my room and to bed. 

[RachelSusan]

@eileen1111 This sounds like a great day. I do hope you manage to sleep. Being sleep deprived makes everything worse. Sadly we can't control it during the recovery process.

[North]

Great to hear from you! 😊

[eileen1111]

Yesterday afternoon I met a friend in a local cafe, had a pretty nice time, we talked for a few hours, and although I felt a bit anxious/off I was able to mostly forget about WD symptoms and feel okay, enjoyed myself even, and felt so pleased that I had pushed myself to do this 'normal' thing. It really lifted my mood, and I noticed all evening that I felt hopeful. 

 

BUT then when I went to bed at about 10pm, I realised that I had overdone it, because I had tinnitus from the music that was playing in the cafe (like the kind you get if you go to a concert and it was too loud), increased jerks/twitches/spasms and an anxious vibrating-under-the-skin feeling like a motor was running. Couldn't sleep. Felt gutted. It's just wild how sensitive my nervous system is. I hadn't even felt that anxious while in the cafe, but my body was still stressed and overstimulated by it. 

 

Got some patchy sleep and feel pretty rubbish and deflated now. Like how am I ever going to get a life back if cafes are overstimulating?? 💔  

 

 

(I know that many people do actually have it way worse in terms of the overstimulation and that even being able to go to a cafe is actually a pretty big win, and it was worth it overall, so I just have to deal with the consequences ! still, just missing the days of ease and normality and the ability to move about the world freely.) 

[ChessieCat]

At least you realise what it is.  The fact that you were able to go to the cafe is a big achievement.

 

When you do it next time just make sure that you don't have anything important to do the next day.  In other words, plan for the over simulation.  If it doesn't happen, great.  If it does, then you will not have to try coping with something whilst recovering.

 

I sometimes find that I have trouble sleeping if I have had a nice day out, even if I have not been over stimulated by anything or overdone it physically, ie just had a nice relaxing time.  I can have trouble with sleep because my mind is busy processing it.

[eileen1111]

@ChessieCat These are really good points, thank you. I am still figuring out how to work around and with my current WD nervous system, how to pace and plan in rest/recovery times. 

 

And true, I remember lots of times pre-WD when I might have a bad night after a long, busy day. My threshold now is just very low. 

 

Taking heart from reading success stories today that things will improve for me 

[ChessieCat]

Remember to compare how you feel now to how you felt at your worst, not how you felt at your best or how you want to feel.

 

Sometimes we don't realise how far we have actually come because the process is so slow and gradual.

[Kyle1234]

On 10/13/2022 at 10:58 AM, eileen1111 said:

9 months post zero 

 

hi guys, long-ish update for whoever is interested (and for myself!).

 

• the last 3-4 days I've had really good nights of sleep and woke up without the racing heart and extreme anxiety of the cortisol mornings. Although I never feel refreshed after sleeping and always have my visual/head pressure symptoms, it's a relief when I don't also have the 'activated' racing heart anxiety feeling which fills me with dread. basically, any moment when I'm not feeling actively anxious, I will take gladly. A few symptoms which are improving are the eye twitches, numbness in my face, and the 'whack-a-mole' type stabbing pains I used to get very regularly, I haven't experienced them in a while (touch wood).

• a few small victories. I've been on my own for the last week looking after my dog and I think I managed really well, keeping any fear down, making healthy meals and eating regularly, getting outside, etc. At the start of this year I was terrified to be left on my own by my family, especially in this house which we've moved to in Wales which isn't that familiar, doesn't quite feel like 'home', you know? and an unfamiliar environment can worsen dp/dr symptoms. but I'm slowly starting to feel like it's a safe space and more 'homely'. It's been nice having a little bit more of a feeling of independence, although I'll be glad when my dad and brother get here later today. 

  Another small victory for me is that I went to a local yoga class and wasn't too afflicted by the visual snow/light sensitivity, or if I was I tried not to let it spike my anxiety. the class was gentle and more about nervous system regulation than 'exercise', which is what suits me right now. I had a moment while walking through some autumn leaves and listening to a favourite fleetwood mac song, where i realised i felt 'good'. !!!. a rare thing. i felt quite emotional. 

• I don't really seem to have clear windows/waves patterns. It's more that I have this baseline of symptoms, and sometimes they get worse for days at a time, when my nervous system is triggered. I find it disheartening that I have no solid 'WINDOWS' where I can say, yes, this is a window, I will heal. I feel like when that happens for me I will finally be able to relax and know that I will heal, and be more patient and less obsessive about the whole thing. For now I rely on the tiny moments of relief to get me through the very long days and weeks. 

 

The baseline symptoms are: 

head pressure/headache-y feeling, crackly 'off' feeling in my head like i'm just disconnected or not tuned properly (dissociated?), light sensitivity, mild visual snow, mental and physical fatigue, easily overwhelmed and overstimulated, OCD thought loops such as spelling words over and over, persistent ear worms, occasional popping feelings in my brain, obsessive thoughts, increased baseline anxiety, depression and loneliness as secondary symptoms of having to deal with all this. just feel very raw, vulnerable and scared all the time. takes a huge amount of effort and courage to do anything.

oh and I also have PSSD !!! 😅

 

The additional symptoms I get when nervous system has been stressed for whatever reason:

Insomnia, chemical anxiety feeling and racing heart, dizziness, tinnitus, muscle twitches and spasms, hypnic jerks, suicidal ideation, hot and cold flashes, 'hungover' feeling, dp/dr 

 

 

It looks like a lot when I type it all out there, wow, and to be still getting this at 9 months SSRI free!??? I actually wish I hadn't type it all out now lol. seems more intimidating than the actual experience of it. 

 

 

I just want the head symptoms to go !!!!! for a moment of clear, fog-free existence in my own head 😭

 

 

everyone does seem to say that during the second year off is when a lot more healing and improvement happens, so I'm looking forward to reaching some further milestones down the line. it is very hard living like this, but live I must 

 

 

Hi Eileen, so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Your situation sounds really similar to mine🙁. I was on Sertraline for 7 years on and off (not made aware of the risks of this drug or monitored) - I actually suffered with 2 withdrawals and told it was a relapse (2 years ago and 5 months ago) and advised to go back on 100mg and 50mg each time which made things worse and why I decided to come off. I was advised by the NHS psychiatrist I would be fine CT 50mg 3 months ago despite my history and having not even stabilised from going back on 50mg after 7 weeks, it’s been in hell ever since.

 

I really understand what you mean by ‘altered perception of reality’. About 1 month in I noticed genuine DPDR where I felt ‘normal’ but could tell I was suffering with depersonalisation and derealisation. After suffering with severe anxiety one day from overstimulation the DPDR seemed to fade away but I was left feeling as if my brain had changed to how I normally perceived the world around me? Like things around me aren’t as real, I’m not in as much control, I can’t remember my old self, my senses are dulled (sounds merge into one and visuals aren’t as clear) and I can’t connect with people around me but I feel as though it’s more brain damage rather than DPDR symptoms if that makes sense?? Like this is my normal state? Which is really scary.

 

Do you also have completely blunted emotions? It feels like I can’t feel the same emotions I used to be able to, even compared to when I was on the meds which blunted my emotions. My mood can lift but I don’t feel happiness or love or empathy and I just feel this void of any positive emotion. This only seems to have come along with the altered perception of reality which started about 2 and a half months into withdrawal along with complete apathy to my situation, like I don’t even care about getting back to normal even though it’s what I want more than anything? So strange.
 

I’ve been getting off diazepam which I was given for the agitation/insomnia and noticed increase in anxiety as well. I can relate to the ‘chemical anxiety’ feeling you mentioned, is this just under your chest as if your adrenal glands just want to shoot out adrenaline even though you’re not anxious over anything? I get this badly every time I wake up multiple times in the night and takes a while for it to go the next day.

 

Your physical/mental symptoms are all also very relatable. Mine have fluctuated but I understand all of what you’ve said. I’ve been convinced I’ve had every type of mental health disorder since withdrawing as my brain tries to adjust. I think the mental changes are more distressing that the physical symptoms which have been bad enough themselves.

 

I’m struggling to keep holding out hope because it almost feels as though I am a different person that will never return to the old me and there’s no signs of improvement.

 

Hope you’re staying strong and improving day by day!

 

would love to hear from you if you have time to see how you deal with your symptoms and day to day life. I understand I’m relatively early on in comparison but if it helps you to understand you’re not going through this alone I’d be more than happy to reach out for contact.

 

all the best and I hope we can get through this!

[Erimus]

It’s also important to remember that you may have experienced those unpleasant symptoms if you hadn’t gone to the cafe. They come and go each day, often irrespective of external actions. Eventually they’ll continue happening but you’ll just ignore them and go about your day.

[eileen1111]

True. At the start of this year going to a cafe would've caused a much worse reaction than it did this weekend. As time progresses the reaction to stimulation will be less and less severe.

 

I know that it is absolutely 100% possible to heal from this. It's all about management and coping and support systems and discipline with healthy habits. While also being gentle and kind to yourself. Not easy. But possible. 

[Erimus]

That’s the hardest part. Managing the daily stresses of life with a damaged nervous system. I haven’t worked out much of a solution other than avoiding everything and everyone so far.. haha.

Edited October 24, 2022 by Erimus

[eileen1111]

@Erimus I avoid as much as I can, but then feel so isolated and alone with my thoughts. i'm trying to do more meditation to create some inner space from the chaos. Eckhart Tolle's 'the power of now' is good. a lot of my dread in withdrawal comes from imagining the endless empty days ahead and comparing them to what i once thought my life would be like / what it once was. but the future is not limited to what i can imagine. it doesn't really 'exist'. only the present moment exists. thinking like this, maybe anything becomes endurable. even the unendurable. 'radical acceptance of suffering'. I don't know, it take practice. 

[eileen1111]

after a night of insomnia and racing heart, twitches and muscle spasms, hypnic jerks, clicking brain, suicidal ideation and agitation, I've had to take 10mg propanolol today. It's giving me some relief. I'm lying under my weighted blanket feeling very bleak, alone, and doomed, reading success stories to stop myself from crying and giving up. the lack of sleep means my visual snow and light sensitivity is worse as well. but if i get sleep tonight, tomorrow will be better. for now, I am grateful that I have a safe bedroom, my dog, a family, food, warmth etc

[Erimus]

That’s the problem with living in this constant chemical state of ‘anxiety’. I solely exist in the future tense because I am never calm and present. The only way I can manage the situation is by thinking “in 3 months I will feel better”, and then ignoring what happens until ‘then’.

 

Eventually you come to terms with your suffering and learn how to micro-manage it in your day to day. That’s all this is, managing your symptoms and expectations the best you can until they slowly peter out. 

 

Winter might be a bit bleak but by spring next year you’ll be in a much better place.

[RachelSusan]

@eileen1111 I have not written my success story, but I am successfully off. When I say successfully I mean without symptoms. Off since Jan 1 2022. I have been exactly where you are in the level of disability.  During difficult nights (like you had) and the day after it can be very bleak. There is a brighter future for you.

 

I would enjoy hearing about your dog if you ever have the time or energy to tell me.  I love dogs but can't have one right now.

 

I very much like Erimus' statement:

16 minutes ago, Erimus said:

Winter might be a bit bleak but by spring next year you’ll be in a much better place.

I hope tonight is better for you.

[eileen1111]

@Erimus I do the same, setting 'milestones' in my head, like 'just make it to september' and now it's 'just make it to christmas' and then 'just make it to my birthday and see how i feel'. I guess it's a way of not giving up hope. 

 

Thanks, I'm sure that things will also be feeling much better for you once this winter is survived !!

[eileen1111]

@RachelSusan Thank you ❤️ It's so reassuring to see that people really do heal, that it's possible !! 

 

My dog is honestly my greatest companion. He's a black lab, he's nearly 10 but still full of energy and puppy-like behaviour. He's the family dog but I spend the most time with him, walk him the most etc, I'll attach a picture  Animals are wonderful. i think he definitely saved my life

 

 

 

[Doctorsrcrap]

Hiya. I dont know your whole story. How long was you on the meds for and what did you go on for if you don't mind me asking 

[RachelSusan]

@eileen1111Thank you for the picture of your lab. He is a very good looking fella. He has a beautiful face.  I can see a little grey around his mouth but over all he looks very young for 10.  I am so glad you have him in your life. I am sure he helps you a lot.

[ChessieCat]

@eileen1111

Just letting you know that this post by Kyle has just been approved.  It was awaiting approval of his Intro topic.

[eileen1111]

Thanks @ChessieCat !

 

Hello @Kyle1234 I'm really sorry you're going through this. trust me I know EXACTLY how you feel. the shock about what's happened and how dangerous these drugs actually are takes a while to sink in fully. and that the professionals who prescribe them also have no idea !

 

On 10/24/2022 at 11:58 AM, Kyle1234 said:

 

I’m struggling to keep holding out hope because it almost feels as though I am a different person that will never return to the old me and there’s no signs of improvement.

 

I feel the same sometimes, but improvement does come. For some people faster than others. You honestly cannot know the future, so you have to hold on because you might be one of the ones who heals quickly! 

 

On 10/24/2022 at 11:58 AM, Kyle1234 said:

I can relate to the ‘chemical anxiety’ feeling you mentioned, is this just under your chest as if your adrenal glands just want to shoot out adrenaline even though you’re not anxious over anything?

 

Yes, it's adrenaline going crazy for no real reason. The whole system has just been shocked and dysregulated by the medications. It all needs to settle back down again, like when you shake a snow globe and have to wait for the chaos to clear. 

 

On 10/24/2022 at 11:58 AM, Kyle1234 said:

I feel as though it’s more brain damage rather than DPDR symptoms if that makes sense??

it's definitely not permanent brain damage don't worry about that, it's temporary dysregulation. My DPDR was way worse in the first 6 months drug free. Now at 9.5 months off it is BETTER - except if I'm in a more triggering environment with lots of stimulation, or haven't slept properly.

 

it is tough to deal with this situation, possibly one of the most challenging things that could happen to a person. what's vital in coping is structure, routine, support, and the ability to find a base sense of safety. from looking at your intro topic, it seems your mum is really supportive and is even doing research into withdrawal. this is so great to have that support and validation from someone in your life.

 

to cope with the more troubling symptoms like DPDR I find that walks, music, warm showers, distraction with TV shows (light or funny ones, or comfort favourites) etc helps. How's your sleep? I honestly believe that the healer for this is sleep. when i am getting good sleep my baseline is much better. 

 

read success stories on this site and others ! the council for evidence based psychiatry is a good resource. 

 

I hope this has helped !  just keep going one day at a time

 

 

 

 

[eileen1111]

@Doctorsrcrap hiya, i was put on SSRIs in mid-2019 after a burnout while at university. I had a previous history of anxiety/depression etc. took the meds for over 2 years, but in this time didn't work on my underlying issues and wasn't looking after myself in a number of ways (aka, not sure if they really helped or just made things worse by outsourcing the responsibility for my mental health to a pill). I wanted to come off SSRIs bc of side effects but did it way too fast - because doctors thought my dose was a 'placebo dose'. struggled to cope with initial withdrawal confusion and accidentally made things worse by trying to use benzos / alcohol / weed to try and get through, and then a reinstatement attempt which gave me serotonin syndrome. that was my worst point in december 2021. SSRI free since 14th january 2022. hoping that in a year or so i'll be feeling a lot better

[eileen1111]

✨POSITIVE UPDATE ✨ my brain is recovering for sure. i'm back staying somewhere that i haven't been for around 6 months and the improvement is clear now when I compare it to the last time I was here. 

there are still many days that I'm white-knuckling it, but the baseline has improved. 

I WILL GET THERE !!!! 

 

[RachelSusan]

@eileen1111 It's wonderful that your baseline has improved.  We all have up days and down days but if the baseline is better than it was it, it helps a tremendous amount. You will get there.  So happy for you.

[eileen1111]

just a 'note to self' post for my own records of this journey ~

the reasons why i think i personally might be having such a bad experience, with such a dysregulated/sensitised CNS:

 

-a pre-existing highly sensitive nervous system, childhood trauma and a history of eating disorders which led to increased baseline anxiety in general due to malnutrition during teenage years

 

-the fact that in 2019 the burnout i had resulted in similar 'sensitised nervous system' symptoms that i am having now - hyperstimulation state, fatigue, dp/dr, high startle response etc. this burnout was, to an extent, drug-induced (impact of alcohol + student 'recreational' drug use stressing the CNS). i think that this burnout actually acted as a prior 'kindling' event, in the same way that if someone has already gone through a withdrawal in the past they might expect to have a worse WD experience later on 

 

- i remembered that the first SSRI I was put on in 2019 was actually lexapro, at a maximum dose of 20mg for 3 months, before i was switched to sertraline 50mg. lexapro i have now discovered is a double strength SSRI so the 20mg i was on was equivalent to 100mg sertraline !!!! So although the dose I CT'd was 25mg, my brain had at one point adjusted to a really high dose of SSRIs, so it makes more sense in this context that I am suffering so much in trying to readjust 

 

-between my initial sertraline CT (september 2021) and the reinstatement/serotonin syndrome (nov 2021-jan 2022), I was chronically stressing my system even while in that initial WD, by continuing to drink, smoke, work, go out late, etc, plus I had to take some antibiotics and I caught Covid, all the while living in a stressful unstable environment struggling to keep up with the world as a 22 year old in unaffordable london. The worst thing i was doing though was using benzos to try and cope. So this would have further kindled me. then the serotonin syndrome was the final straw which caused a full on drug-induced breakdown. 

 

 

 

Anyway, no wonder it will take a few years to recover from all this **** my body and brain have been through. as well as from the drug-induced symptoms i am simultaneously being forced to heal from years of not listening to my body or learning healthy coping mechanisms for general life. my silver lining in this is that thank god I've 'seen the light' now when it comes to psychoactive substances of any kind. Otherwise it might have been another decade of the chemical circus. 

 

 

(to anyone reading this post, of course this is not necessarily reflective of anything scientific as there are people who taper slowly and safely in stable circumstances and still experience debilitating symptoms.... everyone is so individual. this is just my pet theory about my personal situation)

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MothGarden]

Thank you for sharing some of that context! I can so relate to all of that. I was on 20mg Prozac for a little over two years. While I was on it I would drink and take thc edibles which I believe sensitized my cns. I totally get what you mean about “seeing the light”. 

I sincerely hope you continue to feel better and are able to put this nightmare completely behind you one day. It sounds like you’re making good progress so far! 

[Kyle1234]

On 11/4/2022 at 2:52 PM, eileen1111 said:

Thanks @ChessieCat !

 

Hello @Kyle1234 I'm really sorry you're going through this. trust me I know EXACTLY how you feel. the shock about what's happened and how dangerous these drugs actually are takes a while to sink in fully. and that the professionals who prescribe them also have no idea !

 

 

I feel the same sometimes, but improvement does come. For some people faster than others. You honestly cannot know the future, so you have to hold on because you might be one of the ones who heals quickly! 

 

 

Yes, it's adrenaline going crazy for no real reason. The whole system has just been shocked and dysregulated by the medications. It all needs to settle back down again, like when you shake a snow globe and have to wait for the chaos to clear. 

 

it's definitely not permanent brain damage don't worry about that, it's temporary dysregulation. My DPDR was way worse in the first 6 months drug free. Now at 9.5 months off it is BETTER - except if I'm in a more triggering environment with lots of stimulation, or haven't slept properly.

 

it is tough to deal with this situation, possibly one of the most challenging things that could happen to a person. what's vital in coping is structure, routine, support, and the ability to find a base sense of safety. from looking at your intro topic, it seems your mum is really supportive and is even doing research into withdrawal. this is so great to have that support and validation from someone in your life.

 

to cope with the more troubling symptoms like DPDR I find that walks, music, warm showers, distraction with TV shows (light or funny ones, or comfort favourites) etc helps. How's your sleep? I honestly believe that the healer for this is sleep. when i am getting good sleep my baseline is much better. 

 

read success stories on this site and others ! the council for evidence based psychiatry is a good resource. 

 

I hope this has helped !  just keep going one day at a time

 

 

 

 

Thank you @eileen1111 for your response and glad to see you are getting there! Sorry for not getting back earlier. I have been in a world of pain having come off diazepam 3 weeks ago which has sensitised me to literally anything. I have lost all emotion and after intense brain zaps/static feeling in my head as if there was an electric coil in my head which made me feel like my head has frozen up and the only thing I can feel is that extreme anxiety/shakes.
 

I noticed you also tried benzos early on (I didn’t want to go on them but the NHS insisted before I knew about kindling so I did) - Did you have anything similar when you tapered/came off? (I was on for 7 weeks in total and peak of 15mg a day before - see signature)

 

My sleep was okay but I drank a lucozade 4 days ago which sent me to A&E because I felt like I was having constant brain surges/seizures for 24 hours - since then I have been in a place I didn’t think was possible and find sleep very difficult. It has intensified the ‘brain damage’ feeling which is different to the DPDR which I experienced just from the sertraline withdrawals. Something is different but I can’t tell what and my head feels empty.

 

I am trying to keep hope but I am deteriorating so fast and so scared. How did you cope in the worst times? Were your cognitive abilities effected?

 

Sorry for all the questions. Hope you’re having a good day!

 

Kyle

[eileen1111]

Hi @MothGarden thanks for your post, hope you're doing okay !  I never even knew that you COULD 'sensitise' your CNS before all this happening lol, but that is exactly what i have been doing for so many years 

 

 

@Kyle1234 as far as the benzos are concerned, you might be feeling a bit worse before you get better depending on the half life of the drugs, I think valium has the longest half life of the benzos so it is probably only just leaving your system fully. I really don't know though. I would look up benzo buddies forum - but don't get freaked out by horror stories !! Also look up Baylissa Frederick's website. Everyone recovers eventually, we just have to hold on. The chemicals have shaken up the neurotransmitter system and that has some bizarre effects. 

[eileen1111]

~10 month update ~

I am trying to stay strong and keep focused on the day at hand, on how to get through the next immediate challenge or task while living with a sensitised nervous system. A part of me really does know that this isn't forever and that my body and brain will find its way back to peace eventually. I am trying to step back and be the 'observer' of my own existence rather than the sufferer. But I have, un/fortunately, begun to grow acclimatised/resigned to daily suffering, which is depressing as hell, but what can I do ??? answer = nothing, except cope, hope and wait. 

 

as i posted above, i DO have an improved baseline compared to January of this year, but this month i've been having real trouble with sleep, the worst it has ever been, with some zero hour nights and frequent 2/3/4 hour ones. the days that follow a bad night are pure hell and i feel so weak and full of despair. especially because this level of insomnia is a new thing. I am doing my best to cope. on the days that i do get proper sleep i am comparatively better than at the start of the year, especially in terms of the dp/dr, things feel and look more real in general. on an absolute best day i would say i am at 70% but these are rare.

 

this weekend i was able to enjoy some autumnal walks and i've pushed myself to be outside and active as much as possible to try and promote sleep - luckily the november weather here is extraordinarily mild. I do find that being outside in nature is the best best thing for me and reminds me that I really do want to live - because the world is so beautiful !!

 

I am trying to be grateful for the things I do still have, for the core of myself which still exists to fight onwards, it doesn't matter that everything is falling apart so long as I just stay alive and make it to better days, I will be able to mend everything later on