amiss I'm having a really hard time, this is my story

[amiss]

Please help! I need opinions/support and specialized help.

I have been suffering unrelenting anhedonia, blunted emotions, and PSSD since around May 2011. I was put on citalopram in December 2010 and CT'd in July 2011. I was 15 when I went on, 16 when the symptoms started, and I am 18 now.

 

I have tried Buspar which I think had helped a bit. It helped the PSSD while I was on it, which is definitely connected to emotions and pleasure. But I've stopped it after noticing spasms in my left leg and hand.

 

I can't remember any withdrawal symptoms other than some brain zaps. Otherwise I was totally functional, except for the worst symptom in the world: lack of emotions. I miss being able to cry, I miss enjoying music, I miss enjoying every sense. I mostly miss the love I had for my family, especially my mom. I am her only daughter, and I pity her more than anything. Really I'm staying alive for her. I have not told her about these troubles, I want her to think I am happy, because that's all she wants.

 

WHY has it been 2 years and no progress?

 

In the beginning, from December 2011 to August 2012 I tried to hide from the anhedonia, or kinda deny it... so I developed an eating disorder so I could attribute the lack of emotion to that. I was underweight and lost my period for 8 months, which probably didn't help recovery of myself. I gained the weight back January 2013 and went back to my psych for help. She obviously hadn't heard of SSRI discontinuation syndrome, but she gave me Buspar, which I took sporadically for 2 months. During that time I also took choline and smoked marijuana, and maybe a combo of all these gave me some kind of relief. Eventually the choline and buspar made me 'depressed' or about as low as I can feel. I wish I could feel true depression, how monumental that would be!

 

On July 16th 2013 I lost my appetite and it hasn't been back. It may be that I am weight restored now, but this seriously sucks and makes me worry further. I didn't sleep at all last night, haven't eaten anything today, and for the past few days have spent a ridiculous amount of time obsessively searching for a success story with citalopram.

 

Another question: should I take any supplements? Fish oil or magnesium? Can you recommend a brand?

 

Thank you for your time... I really appreciate insight, you have no idea how much it means to me.

 

 

[lexicon]

Dear Amiss,

I am truly saddened for all that you have endured ..

There are a lot of knowledgeable, and caring people here,

who will come along shortly to help you.

So please hang in there ..

Wishing you love, and light, and abundant blessings for your well being.

Love, Lexi

[Petunia]

Hi Amiss,

 

I'm sorry you have been suffering for such a long time, and being young to have to go through all this.  Are you still living at home with your family?

 

I mostly miss the love I had for my family, especially my mom. I am her only daughter, and I pity her more than anything. Really I'm staying alive for her. I have not told her about these troubles, I want her to think I am happy, because that's all she wants.

 

 

I have an 18 year old daughter, my only child and I only want her to be happy, but as a mother, I would rather know the truth, so that I have the opportunity to help.  You need the support of your family and you are not helping them, or yourself by keeping the truth from them.  I know its difficult, and you have to do what you feel is best, but please would you think about letting your Mom help you with this.

 

Why were you originally put on citalopram in December 2010?

 

Its important to eat healthy, regular meals to keep your blood sugar levels balanced, it also helps to keep your mood more stable, so even if you have no appetite, you can still eat, it will probably help you to feel better.

 

You will recover from this, and get your normal feelings back, more help will be along soon.

 

Petu.

[Roads]

If you hide from your mother who you really are at this moment, you prevent her from acting like a mother, because faking what she wants is not behaving like a daughter, but like an object. Examine the situation and try to figure out if telling the truth is possible, because this is the healthiest thing to do, for both of you. I don't know the details, only you can make such a thing, but I can tell you that, in the ideal, you should do that.Besides, Do you pity yourself? You talk about your mother, but what about yourself? This is important.This is not an answer to your questions, but on this site there is other people who will make it far better than me. I just pointed out things that seemed important to me. 

[amiss]

 

Hi Amiss,

 

I'm sorry you have been suffering for such a long time, and being young to have to go through all this.  Are you still living at home with your family?

 

I mostly miss the love I had for my family, especially my mom. I am her only daughter, and I pity her more than anything. Really I'm staying alive for her. I have not told her about these troubles, I want her to think I am happy, because that's all she wants.

 

 

I have an 18 year old daughter, my only child and I only want her to be happy, but as a mother, I would rather know the truth, so that I have the opportunity to help.  You need the support of your family and you are not helping them, or yourself by keeping the truth from them.  I know its difficult, and you have to do what you feel is best, but please would you think about letting your Mom help you with this.

 

Why were you originally put on citalopram in December 2010?

 

Its important to eat healthy, regular meals to keep your blood sugar levels balanced, it also helps to keep your mood more stable, so even if you have no appetite, you can still eat, it will probably help you to feel better.

 

You will recover from this, and get your normal feelings back, more help will be along soon.

 

Petu.

 

I am still living with my mom in New England, my dad recently moved to Illinois. I am moving across the country to Oregon for college in about 3 weeks. I think what is best is for her to not know. I am her only daughter, she probably loves me more than I love myself, and me feeling miserable like this is worse than death. I've been pretending to be ok for such a long time, I just hope I'm convincing.

 

Anyway, I don't think she would be able to help. What could she do? Talk to me about the feelings I DON'T HAVE? I will look into getting a therapist while I'm away at school. I've had talk therapy on and off since I was 15.

 

I was originally put on citalopram because I had persistent depersonalization/derealization for almost 2 years after a panic attack caused my smoking too much marijuana when I was 14. It was depression and anxiety, basically. I was depressed since I was 12 and always been anxious. I'm not depressed nor very anxious anymore, now I am numb, and I desperately miss the days of depression and anxiety, because at least I felt love and interest. Also I cried everyday, which, looking back now, was so great.

 

If you hide from your mother who you really are at this moment, you prevent her from acting like a mother, because faking what she wants is not behaving like a daughter, but like an object. Examine the situation and try to figure out if telling the truth is possible, because this is the healthiest thing to do, for both of you. I don't know the details, only you can make such a thing, but I can tell you that, in the ideal, you should do that.Besides, Do you pity yourself? You talk about your mother, but what about yourself? This is important.This is not an answer to your questions, but on this site there is other people who will make it far better than me. I just pointed out things that seemed important to me. 

 

I think having her know would hurt her way too much. When I told her about the depersonalization, it made her cry and I can't stand to put her through stress. She already has the huge burden of paying for my college, which is one of the most expensive in the country, although she wants me to go there more than I want to go. We're rather poor, and the rate would be similar at any institution.

 

I guess I kind of pity myself? It's hard to, since I don't feel very human anymore, like there's not much left to me. I am more focused on trying to feel again more than anything.

 

 

[theelt712]

I know exactly how you 'feel' or don't feel....it's horrendous, and you and I are almost the same age. Don't forget, some take 4-5 years to fully heal, sometimes longer. Do not lose hope yet. One supplement that I can recommend to you, but it you need to KNOW some of the dangers of, is licorice root. Although it could cause high blood pressure and potassium depletion, it does help a lot of people with anhedonia and PSSD according to anecdotal reports. Omega-3 is also another one to look into.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, amiss.

 

Many people do well with fish oil and magnesium supplements, seehttp://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

I would NOT recommend licorice root.

 

Please see discussions in the Symptoms and Self-care forum.

 

Also read http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/603-what-is-antidepressant-withdrawal-syndrome/

[amiss]

Welcome, amiss.

 

Many people do well with fish oil and magnesium supplements, seehttp://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

I would NOT recommend licorice root.

 

Please see discussions in the Symptoms and Self-care forum.

 

Also read http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/603-what-is-antidepressant-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

Thanks, I'll get fish oil and magnesium today.

 

I need to vent but I don't think it'll really help. Being in contact with a man, who still suffers PSSD for 20 years after taking Prozac for 6 months is really saddening. And he claims that buspar doesn't cause tremors, that tianeptine has no effect on sexual functioning, and that I should take Xanax for anxiety. Which I won't... I won't ever take a med that causes withdrawal problems similar to an SSRI's.

 

 I just wish I'd never taken Celexa in the first place. I know that kind of thinking is totally not constructive but the idea that I might never improve is so haunting. I really can't live like this. I don't know what to do. I feel weird and unlike myself. I just want to like music again. This is the start of the 25th month off of the med. I cried this morning typing out the posts above and I cried in public yesterday too, after hearing a story about a woman who watched her son die in a car crash. This might be an improvement because I think I told my psych that I had lost my ability to cry, that was last March, so she prescribed me Buspar which helped about 70% with sexual function, enjoyment, and brought back the ability to feel true boredom. I also cried hysterically over some trivial matter once while taking Buspar. I'm not taking it now but its a tempting med, although it is a med, and I'm scared of anything that alters the brain now.

I can't remember if I really didn't have the ability to cry last March, I'll assume I probably didn't. However I am also due to have my period in a few days, so that might be something that's sort of producing something like an emotion in me. Maybe my hormones are messed up too?

 

I think I should revisit how I was before the med. I was a very deep, sensitive, and emotional person, but I thought I had to be tough so I definitely bottled my emotions up and basically never allowed myself to cry in front of anyone. Now I guess I'm starting to think, **** it, if I can cry, I will cry. After the incident last night my friend called me emotional and that made me feel something like mildly inspired. Everything else is so numbed and confusing that I'm not sure if I even truly FELT sadness yesterday, or this morning. I went for a jog this morning and listened to my ipod and felt some chills but not like deeply/completely. I never much liked to listen to music while exercising, but I used to love it while just relaxing and surfing the web. Now I don't, I prefer total silence to everything. When I was depersonalized I felt numb, but it was in a totally different sense. Like I definitely still had emotions, I was definitely in love with music. Music sounds mechanical and dumb now. Wtf. Thinking about how I am now is absolutely dreadful.

 

The last few times I felt kind of excited were when I started a job in November? 2012 which I quit shortly after and again I think around January or February 2013. New experiences were good experiences. I think I felt excitement a few times while planning/thinking about college, but those may now be muffled by stress and apprehension.

[theelt712]

Crying is a good sign- a lot with severe anhedonia can not even cry. Have you read this story on here? It's really good: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3523-success-recovery-from-severe-zoloft-protracted-withdrawal/

 

Also, with music, I wouldn't think of it as noise but as poetry. I really have taken this time to analyze whatever music I hear as poetry. I find it really pretty. Yet again, whenever I hear something slightly pretty, I step back and listen to it, even if I don't feel pleasure from it.

[amiss]

Crying is a good sign- a lot with severe anhedonia can not even cry. Have you read this story on here? It's really good: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3523-success-recovery-from-severe-zoloft-protracted-withdrawal/Also, with music, I wouldn't think of it as noise but as poetry. I really have taken this time to analyze whatever music I hear as poetry. I find it really pretty. Yet again, whenever I hear something slightly pretty, I step back and listen to it, even if I don't feel pleasure from it.

Yeah trust me I've read every success story at least 3 times! D:You're very sweet and cheer me up a bit every time I see you post. But I'm like sickeningly desperate for a celexa recovery story. :/I've noticed that I pay more attention to the words in music now, probably since thats the more technical side. Very rarely though. a melody hits me right, like Rhianna's "Stay" or some ****** song. Why did it censor A dele?!

[johnson]

As far as PSSD goes, there have been people that have successfully recovered from it with time. I am in the process of recovering from it along with one other member I know. Also there are two recovery stories that i've read on here for two people who fully recovered from PSSD. Don't focus or think about the negative stuff.

[theelt712]

 

Crying is a good sign- a lot with severe anhedonia can not even cry. Have you read this story on here? It's really good: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3523-success-recovery-from-severe-zoloft-protracted-withdrawal/Also, with music, I wouldn't think of it as noise but as poetry. I really have taken this time to analyze whatever music I hear as poetry. I find it really pretty. Yet again, whenever I hear something slightly pretty, I step back and listen to it, even if I don't feel pleasure from it.

Yeah trust me I've read every success story at least 3 times! D:You're very sweet and cheer me up a bit every time I see you post.But I'm like sickeningly desperate for a celexa recovery story. :/I've noticed that I pay more attention to the words in music now, probably since thats the more technical side. Very rarely though. a melody hits me right, like Rhianna's "Stay" or some ****** song. :PWhy did it censor A dele?!

 

D:! I have as well, I will try to find a Citalopram recovery story for you as well. I got off of Zoloft in a relatively short time- I was on the med for a total of 8 weeks, including a slow 4 week taper. I do hear melodies all the time that are 'pretty', it doesn't hit me right emotionally anymore, but it sounds pretty. Some take 4-6 years to completely feel normal. Your brain, like mine, is STILL maturing. The brain stops maturing at 25. So I do not give up. As for the censoring of A dele....I don't know...

 

Plus, I do not know how severe your PSSD is but I am having it too. It is not so much my libido I have problems with, it's the genital numbing that I do. And it's not complete numbing...at least, after 2 months of waiting. Some days are better than others. That dude from the Zoloft recovery story took 4 1/2 years to completely recover from PSSD.

[Jemima]

Amiss, you might find this topic interesting:

 

Anhedonia, apathy, demotivation

 

I'm nineteen+ months out from a too fast taper off Lexapro and still struggling with emotional numbness.  From what I've read, it's the last symptom to clear up and it just seems to take forever.  I've had brief windows of normal feelings, but so far, they're fleeting.  It does give me hope that normal feelings will return in time. 

 

In my experience, it seems that the unhappy emotions came back first--sadness, anger, and being able to cry.  It's good that you can cry freely now, although it may not feel that way.  I keep telling myself to be patient rather than rail against this because it doesn't help.  Easy to say, tough to do.

 

Welcome to the forum.  You'll find lots of solid information and gentle, friendly support here.

 

 

[amiss]

Aww thank you :') you are too sweet. Sorry im on my phone right now so i cant multiquote. I do feel less alone when I have other people who can relate, although I feel so bad for all of us.

As far as PSSD goes, there have been people that have successfully recovered from it with time. I am in the process of recovering from it along with one other member I know. Also there are two recovery stories that i've read on here for two people who fully recovered from PSSD. Don't focus or think about the negative stuff.

Thanks, at least I've gotten to the point now where I am totally unashamed to talk about it. Its harder for women to have to express this kind of problem. Some people think its just a guy thing! I gotta say also that Buspar alleviates PSSD enough (not 100% by any means) that it shows me that an improvement is possible, even though its short term and basically "last resort". I believe (dont quote me on this ) that its mechanism is to direct serotonin into the 5ht1a receptor rather than having it flying around everywhere. It works on other receptors too so its not perfect. And theres a buttload of other drugs that are not "approved" yet that do the same. And theres psychedelics. Damn right i'll do anything to love again. Not now though, of course, after, like theelt says, my brain finishes developing. And if im still afflicted which is unlikely. Thats in the worst case scenario. Ok right now im technically pms'ing and ive always gotten semi-suicidal at this time, as horrible as that sounds, its the truth, so i just gotta stick it out and hopefully i can manage things better in like a week. I bought fish oil today! And holy **** TMI but it gave me ahem slight diarrhea. Idk if thats a common thing or if its because i took it without food? Maybe its placebo but about 20 minutes after i took one fish oil pill i became very attuned to certain facets of my car, like they held my interest longer, almost as if though i was high on weed.Also, having smoked on Tuesday, bad idea i guess. People on bluelight say absolutely no weed for those who are recovering from MDMA damage. And the symptoms of MDMA damage are exactly the same as those of SSRI. This makes me "happy" because doctors/researchers pay attention to THAT at least. Because they cant be blamed for prescribing ecstasy to anyone. Im gonna look further into MDMA. Crazy thing is, I almost rolled last March... now I know that I will never ever touch the stuff.

[amiss]

Amiss, you might find this topic interesting:Anhedonia, apathy, demotivationI'm nineteen+ months out from a too fast taper off Lexapro and still struggling with emotional numbness. From what I've read, it's the last symptom to clear up and it just seems to take forever. I've had brief windows of normal feelings, but so far, they're fleeting. It does give me hope that normal feelings will return in time. In my experience, it seems that the unhappy emotions came back first--sadness, anger, and being able to cry. It's good that you can cry freely now, although it may not feel that way. I keep telling myself to be patient rather than rail against this because it doesn't help. Easy to say, tough to do.Welcome to the forum. You'll find lots of solid information and gentle, friendly support here.

I've read that whole thread front to back and I cant remember if theres anything positive in it, but im afraid of the negatives, which i of course latch onto. Thank you thank you thank you, knowing that its "the last to come back" is oddly really comforting, and that we're both at a similar time in withdrawal. I wouldnt say I can cry freely, but its tears that come out. This August marks the beginning of my 25th month? I'm gonna use this thread as a journal, if thats alright. As I look around my room now I am surrounded by art that I created while I was taking Buspar, art inspired by shows and music, and just weird ****. Buspar makes me more creative/inspired than I would be normally, probably. if only it were safe to take long term!

[theelt712]

Taking some drugs while recovering may hinder recovery progress, as it has for some.

[Jemima]

I've read that whole thread front to back and I cant remember if there's anything positive in it, but I'm afraid of the negatives, which i of course latch onto. Thank you thank you thank you, knowing that it's "the last to come back" is oddly really comforting, and that we're both at a similar time in withdrawal. I wouldn't say I can cry freely, but its tears that come out. This August marks the beginning of my 25th month?0

 

That doesn't surprise me at all.  It' s reassuring to know that you aren't the one-in-a-million who's having protracted withdrawal.  (The real tears are important, too.)

 

I'm gonna use this thread as a journal, if that's alright. As I look around my room now I am surrounded by art that I created while I was taking Buspar, art inspired by shows and music, and just weird ****. Buspar makes me more creative/inspired than I would be normally, probably. if only it were safe to take long term!

 

The Intro thread is meant to be used as a journal, so you've caught on fast.  I try to post at least monthly.  I've often found it reassuring to look back over my posts and see the progress, especially now when I seem to be creeping forward by fractions of an inch.  I suppose--maybe--that improvement at the end of withdrawal is something like the slow-down that has to take place at the very end of a taper.  Those last few fractions of a milligram seem to be the place where things get really hard again.  Perhaps that is so with the anhedonia as well.

 

[amiss]

Yeah too bad I never really tapered. It was a too-fast taper, so fast it was basically CT. Another thing I dont understand... why did I have no other withdrawal symptoms? Everyone complains of terrible physical pain and sensitivity. I was fine apart from some fatigue and brain zaps for a week or two. Its the mental effects which persist. I kind of wish I had a physical symptom to track my progress with.... rather than face each day so numb. It scares me... its not far... it feels like time is going by so fast too. Partly because nothing really matters anymore. Ugh I just want to take buspar forever but without side effects **** everything. Im too young for this.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hey Amiss!

 

Unfortunately, we all have to work with what we've got. I've got the mental stuff too and not the physical. And I say 'I'm too OLD for this'. Withdrawal and 'recovery' come in as many 'forms' as there are people who experience and write about them. It is so frustrating for our experiences to be 'non-linear'. Lots of really helpful ways of dealing with the physical. The mental is a LOT harder but is DOABLE. You'll see. Just hang in there and keep posting your progress.

[theelt712]

Sweetie, I've been through a lot of the same. And my symptoms started 2 weeks into taking the meds and are still continuing almost 5 months later. Now, they are FAR better than before.....I went through a lot of physical hell on the meds [vertigo, akathisia, puking, nausea, confusion and fatigue amongst them] and now off the meds, I am not in physical hell but the mental hell is astounding. Don't forget, anhedonia is one of the LAST symptoms to go and I really hope for your healing in the next year to two years. Don't forget, your brain is maturing into an adult brain, emotions come with it.

 

-theelt712-

[amiss]

Thank you so much guys you dont know, or maybe you do, how much it means to me. I just cried a bit, which was nice, although from stress and anxiety. I got my period today which is way too early but at least it explains why ive been in such bad shape lately. Ive found that my period is a lot lighter, i think, but that could just be from getting older. I dont have much to compare myself to, a 15 year old life isnt much to go on. today my mom and i packed more for college, which brings on an urge to cry if i think about it too much. I hum songs now and then, but i dont know if thats from forcing myself to listen to music. I suppose i have improved, as there was a time where i couldnt even stand radio in my car, and ive been driving since 16. now i neeeed radio cuz otherwise i get bored. Im selling my car this weekend, i feel kinda bad, its a really nice volvo but we have to sell it because we need money now. Is it normal to cry in anticipation for college? Is that what normal kids do? i dont feel excited i just feel physical symptoms of anxiety. I wish i had journaled for the whole course of my life! It wouldve been so useful to look back on.

 

I have some drawings hanging up which i dated but i have no way of knowing when exactly i took buspar, although im pretty sure they coincide. At the time i didnt even realize buspar was making me more creative. I even painted on my wall for chrissakes, and i had an ambition to paint the walls of my room into nebulae and space stuff. in the state im in i dont even notice the drawings/paintings anymore.

I started taking fish oil yesterday and i took it this morning. I will definitely continue and try to jog a mile each day. Im also quitting caffeine, which can inhibit neurogenesis, according to some random factoid i picked up this morning, while obsessively researching tbi's, parkinson's, and MDMA. i should clean up my face now and eat something.

 

Thank you again for the support, you are really wonderful.

[theelt712]

It is normal to cry in anticipation for college, I know a lot of people who have. GOOD FOR YOU FOR QUITTING CAFFEINE!! I quit it CT when using Zoloft, after a 300-500mg A DAY habit. I still drink caffeine from time to time [bad, I know] but I try to avoid it in large quantities. Please let us know how fish oil works.

[amiss]

I dont know, apparently caffeine is a dopamine agonist and prevents Alzheimers, but im probably better off it anyway. Rather not be dependent on something to slightly raise my mood.

 

I thought back to the last times I cried, and I remember kind of wanting to cry, but holding the tears back because it was in front of family who were saying goodbye to me before I got on a plane. That was about a month after my CT. So maybe I could cry after all? Then maybe I fucked it up further by losing so much weight and therein ******* up my hormones for about a year? I feel like that may have added to the numbingness. Well today I woke up feeling kinda hopeless again.

Yesterday I was surrounded by family and helped with remodeling so I got a lot of physical activity in, which felt good, but also the anxiety is manifesting physically, and I'm sure its pre-college anxiety.

Nothing tastes good, still. Still have low appetite. Still twitching and feeling lightheaded. Its the anxiety! Dammit.

I had a pretty vivid dream last night about a fancy hotel and oxycontin. I took a vicodin yesterday, maybe thats why. I'm taking fish oil pills now, and will consistently, until these huge bottles run out. I hope it helps. The weathers cooling down so its easier to go out and run, thats good too.

 

I dont understand why the steady level of emotional flatness hasnt changed.

[theelt712]

I hope the fish oil helps you. Why did you take Vicodin? I remember not having my period mysteriously and then it mysteriously coming back after a year and a half, strangely after I started tapering off of Zoloft. Now it's gone again for right now. It's odd....and I do have caffeine, and it has no effect on me, but I drink it slightly.

[amiss]

Oh dude that isnt good! Low estrogen causes osteoperosis. Its reversible if you treat it early. I have mild scoliosis so im kind of sensitive about bone problems thats the reason i started eating again, because my blood pressure was dangerously low, and i feared bone loss

[theelt712]

Oh wow, do not stop eating! I've done that before and began to get dizzy upon standing up, and it went away after eating. Caffeine has been proven to increase adrenaline and dopamine, making people feel good but it can cause anxiety due to the increase in adrenaline. Also, don't drink it before bed because it stays in your body for 6 hours and cause you to not go to sleep.

[amiss]

If I do drink caffeine, its just tea in the mornings. I eat now, as much as my appetite allows.

 

Interestingly now, I looked through my instagram, and I have pictures taken of art that I made long before Buspar. That gives me hope that my creativity isnt even solely dependent on that med.

 

I'm gonna keep living, keep hoping. Looking back through my pictures I see how pretty things were. I have pretty memories of the past year. i'd like to have a mural of all my pictures! Being underweight really didnt help anything what a pointless endeavor I'm so mad at myself for doing that :/ i also have a blog entry that i posted shortly after CT mentioning that i feel flat. Ugh. I want to feel bumpy again.

[theelt712]

I miss having feeling, it's the hardest thing to go through, I know. I lose hope every now and again, I try to keep hope as much as possible though.

[amiss]

I spent the morning helping my mom strip the stairs of paint. I like to do things where you can see the progress, like mowing the lawn, cleaning.

 

I certainly don't like waiting around not seeing any change >

 

My mom asked for me to put on the radio, so I put on 80's disco because thats her favorite I think she was pleased. Now I'm listening to La Roux's Bulletproof. Its a song I downloaded the summer before I went to Spain, and I actually remember enjoying it in Spain. I'm listening to my iPod now. I dont know why. Im assuming that with all this desperate research for help my mind is subconsciously looking to FORCE progress, so I dont see this as any change in that aspect.

However, I am listening to music and I'm not totally irritated by it. I'm gonna go for a walk.

 

I love you guys.

 

I just ate a good chocolate cannoli, that may be what caused this.

I also just read DeVoid's Wellbutrin horror story on paxilprogress, even though I was avoiding it for a long time because ive seen people refer to it as a horror story. It was an unfortunate experience to read but... beautiful in a way. Like Kesey's One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. I'm pretty sure I read that "AFTER EVERYTHING CHANGED" and I still retain that it is theeeee best book I've ever read ever ever. Its so good. The movie doesnt do it justice.

I'm still listening to music, I can't tell if I'm enjoying it but whatever.

Ok I got off track, so about DeVoid's story: It was comforting to see another go through it, and articulate it so well. Although after Wellbutrin? Thats a verrry weird reaction. And mine of course, not nearly as bad. I have no problem with motivation.

"My soul will have to wait"

 

Anyway, poor DeVoid, I felt bad for him. Him? her? I assume him. I noticed that the thread was 8 pages long, I click on the last and my jaw dropped when he reported good news! He got his soul back! Wow! So great!

 

I looked through the thread and noticed something about adrenal glands.

 

So we know that adrenals control cortisol, epinephrine, and norepinephrine. We know that Licorice Root "improves" adrenal function.

 

Maybe that guy who touts licorice as a miracle cure just had adrenal issues...

 

... maybe I just have adrenal issues.

 

... definitely am too afraid to even try it because 2 things: could somehow for some reason, reduce chance for homeostasis, OR it could simply not work, maybe its not an adrenal thing.

 

Ooh but what if it is!

 

"Turn This Boat Around" by Matt&Kim stirred up some minimal slight maybe not? feeling in my stomach. Theres something to do with serotonin in stomachs. Maybe it was the cannoli.

[theelt712]

I logged on to that same site, PP, and one person who went on at my age said that they DO NOT REMEMBER being on the drugs now....totally hopeful and that is awesome. We are young, we are strong, and I hope to see a success story from you in the future. As do I want to be that success story. Maybe that famous creative brain of mine will result in a NY Times bestseller from me about the evils of SSRIS and I'll be the one to change the FDA.

[amiss]

So I helped my aunt with painting/remodeling her downstairs apartment today, and put some music on. I was kind of irritated by the limited library I have on my iPhone, and I was thinking about other artists and albums to add.

All the Beatles and Queen albums,

Love - Forever Changes

Two Door Cinema Club - Tourist History 

MGMT - Congratulations

 

I can't tell if I enjoyed the music or not, but it stimulated my brain some, during the montonous activity of painting. 

 

I did a lot of reading into MDMA damage, again, and an extensive erowid page dampened my hopes. After 7 years post a neurotoxic dose, the brains of rats healed, whereas the brains of squirrel monkeys showed limited recovery. This was an old study, and it was a very high dose, and it was MDMA, but still I got pessimistic. 

I was thinking back to the vacation a month after I CT'd. While on Celexa I had low appetite and it had a stimulant effect on me, so I lost weight, I got to around 115 lbs I think. Then I gained 10 lbs prety quick on vacation, and my cousin pointed it out. Not in a mean way, but I was all like omg so I went vegetarian. A blog post at around that time makes me seem like feverishly OCD and anxious, and very keen on the idea of veganism. So I became a vegetarian so I had an excuse for weight loss. When December 2011 rolled around I was frantic about still having sexual dysfunction. I vaguely remember deciding to lose weight so I could "cover it up" to myself. Everyone knows that anorexics have no libido. My junior year of high school I dropped 25 lbs, so I weighed about 100 for a year. My hair was falling out, I was weak, all I could think or talk about was food, but I ran 3-6 miles a day because I wanted to keep losing. Then after worries of osteoperosis and bood pressure, I regained 35 lbs, Spring of 2013. My appetite was absolutely ridiculous until recently. I could eat 6,000 calories a day no problem. It has finally stabilized, although now I can barely taste food. 

I'm wondering if that could've delayed 'recovering'. It doesn't feel like recovering, that just doesn't even seem like a thing to me now. 

I'm thinking now that I'm gonna go get my thyroid tested as somewhere deep in my mind I think hypothyroidism may be the cause of all this. Like I said, licorice root acts on the adrenals, thats why some people feel better with it, probably. No one really ******* knows anything do they. It's all guesswork. 

 

I feel pretty out of it right now. I guess I'm tired. 

[Rhiannon]

Okay, I just speed-read your thread, so I may have missed something, but I want to say a couple of things.

 

First: It sounds like you've gone through a lot of stuff, with the eating and not eating, the citalopram and quitting, the Buspar and quitting. Plus at your age your hormones are still probably kind of bouncing around (hormones are neurotransmitters too). I'm really not surprised that you're not feeling stable and healed yet, what with all of that. 

 

One of the symptoms of "waves" during recovery is a general sense that things are hopeless, always have been, always will be; that we have always basically felt this bad and always will. It's like we lose the ability to remember other states of mind that we've been in in the past. I suspect you may be having some of this.

 

You're quite young, your brain hasn't fully matured yet, and it may be in the process of robustly both doing its developmental processes AND at the same time trying to fix what got wonkified due to neurotransmitter-tweaking drugs. People often find that the path of recovery is bumpy, with periods of feeling like things are much better followed by periods of feeling like it's all screwed up. I've read speculation that this may be part of the repair process, that repair is done in "patches" so that the brain can function during the process.

 

So I really think, from what you've said, you're healing and you will continue to improve, albeit bumpily.

 

BUT:  I think you may need to be more careful than most people your age are to support your CNS by things like regular meals and stable blood sugar, a regular schedule of sleep and activity, gentle exercise, spending time in peaceful and nurturing environments, and avoiding excessive stimulation.  It doesn't sound like you've been doing those things, so that might be a place to start. You're starting college soon and that will be a big change for you, so maybe if you can work on building some regularity and gentle self-care into your schedule this would be a good time for that.

 

I think, from the stories I've heard and the people I've known on this path, that given your history, as long as you stay off psych meds from now on and you support your CNS by taking care of yourself, you have an extremely good chance of making a full recovery.  And anyone can tell you, I generally don't mince words about that sort of thing. I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it. (And I've been doing this work intensively for three and a half years, so I've gotten pretty good at predicting outcomes.)

 

I do think you're going to need to buckle down on the self-care, though, and it's going to be tempting not to, once you get to college and all your friends are a-partyin' and a-carryin' on.  Just do your best.

 

Oh and: I may be wrong, but I think it might be okay not to necessarily tell your mom how you're feeling, unless you're actively contemplating harming yourself or you become anorexic again. It sounds to me like although your moods are driving you nuts, your behavior is under your control and you sound pretty rational. Your parents would undoubtedly be very worried about you and (speaking as a mother myself) they would probably want to do something, and the "something" that people do in our culture these days generally involves putting people on more psych medication, which might not actually be the optimal solution for you.

 

And last (I promise): Read Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker. It will give you context and solid information, which you'll need.

 

Okay then, grrl, hang in there, take care of yourself (exclamation points), and keep us posted!

 

And of course if you DO find yourself actively suicidal, do tell somebody. At that point it doesn't matter if they put you on more drugs, we can help you taper off when the time comes, the important thing is that the time does come.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Rhi,

 

Your post is the most concise 'nuts and bolts' description of what we all could benefit from hearing, maybe every day. Haven't recent scientific discoveries shown that brains past the 'developmental stages' (think people past their teens) continue to develop? It is applicable to everyone, I think, not just Amiss.

 

Copy, paste, save as 'template'. Or: pin to the SA start page as a sticky so this does not get lost. The other should be GiaK's recent post:

 

 http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4751-to-my-friends-and-readers-who-still-take-psych-drugs-httpwpmep5nnb-9aw/

 

I think we all would benefit from being able to see the bigger picture (like the forest) while we are thrashing around in the trees (our individual daily or hourly struggles).

 

I am completely serious about this. But I am kidding here: can I use the word 'wonkified' too?

[amiss]

Okay, I just speed-read your thread, so I may have missed something, but I want to say a couple of things.

 

First: It sounds like you've gone through a lot of stuff, with the eating and not eating, the citalopram and quitting, the Buspar and quitting. Plus at your age your hormones are still probably kind of bouncing around (hormones are neurotransmitters too). I'm really not surprised that you're not feeling stable and healed yet, what with all of that. 

 

One of the symptoms of "waves" during recovery is a general sense that things are hopeless, always have been, always will be; that we have always basically felt this bad and always will. It's like we lose the ability to remember other states of mind that we've been in in the past. I suspect you may be having some of this.

 

You're quite young, your brain hasn't fully matured yet, and it may be in the process of robustly both doing its developmental processes AND at the same time trying to fix what got wonkified due to neurotransmitter-tweaking drugs. People often find that the path of recovery is bumpy, with periods of feeling like things are much better followed by periods of feeling like it's all screwed up. I've read speculation that this may be part of the repair process, that repair is done in "patches" so that the brain can function during the process.

 

So I really think, from what you've said, you're healing and you will continue to improve, albeit bumpily.

 

BUT:  I think you may need to be more careful than most people your age are to support your CNS by things like regular meals and stable blood sugar, a regular schedule of sleep and activity, gentle exercise, spending time in peaceful and nurturing environments, and avoiding excessive stimulation.  It doesn't sound like you've been doing those things, so that might be a place to start. You're starting college soon and that will be a big change for you, so maybe if you can work on building some regularity and gentle self-care into your schedule this would be a good time for that.

 

I think, from the stories I've heard and the people I've known on this path, that given your history, as long as you stay off psych meds from now on and you support your CNS by taking care of yourself, you have an extremely good chance of making a full recovery.  And anyone can tell you, I generally don't mince words about that sort of thing. I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it. (And I've been doing this work intensively for three and a half years, so I've gotten pretty good at predicting outcomes.)

 

I do think you're going to need to buckle down on the self-care, though, and it's going to be tempting not to, once you get to college and all your friends are a-partyin' and a-carryin' on.  Just do your best.

 

Oh and: I may be wrong, but I think it might be okay not to necessarily tell your mom how you're feeling, unless you're actively contemplating harming yourself or you become anorexic again. It sounds to me like although your moods are driving you nuts, your behavior is under your control and you sound pretty rational. Your parents would undoubtedly be very worried about you and (speaking as a mother myself) they would probably want to do something, and the "something" that people do in our culture these days generally involves putting people on more psych medication, which might not actually be the optimal solution for you.

 

And last (I promise): Read Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker. It will give you context and solid information, which you'll need.

 

Okay then, grrl, hang in there, take care of yourself (exclamation points), and keep us posted!

 

And of course if you DO find yourself actively suicidal, do tell somebody. At that point it doesn't matter if they put you on more drugs, we can help you taper off when the time comes, the important thing is that the time does come.

Thank you for this!

 

The thing is, though, that I feel like I have been taking good care of myself. I've always been a health-nut, and kind of a grandma-type person. By that I mean I prefer reading and strolls in parks to raving and stealing street signs. If that makes sense. I feel like my brain can handle it. Well, it's so numb it hardly even reacts. I'm afraid I haven't had any periods of feeling like things were much better. The horror of it is, is that its so stagnant. What I would give to be psychotically depressed, at this point, if it meant that I could truly feel an emotion. I turn down drinks and joints now because I've read that maybe using could prolong this blunt state, but at the same time I wonder, what if it doesn't even make a difference, and I'm just turning down a couple hours of some kind of relief. 

 

My mom is VERY against all medication, especially psych medication, and when I was 15 I was too. But then I thought I was suffering badly from DP/DR. Back then, yeah even just 3 years ago, there wasn't much talk about it, no doctor had heard of it, so I was terrified. I wasn't depressed, I was just an anxious kid, like I still am now. I remember I was really reluctant to try a medication, but the psychiatrist seemed so optimistic about it. I gave in, and 5 months in to it I felt an abrupt change in my mind. I know I'm making it sound apocalyptic but feel like I died that day. And I didn't care to care, because that's the definition of numb. 

 

What I would like most is to be able to care enough about people so I can eventually find a husband and have a job and have a house and go on vacations and visit my family. I'm afraid I'm not human enough for that, for that I need genuine emotions, not these mild artificial ones. Buspar put me into a state in which I found something like a love interest, a guy I think I actually cared about for awhile. But I can't be sure. And I can't rely on Buspar to make me feel somewhat human.

 

You recommend a book, but I'm afraid that book is going to say things like "permanent" "destroyed" "damaged" "oh sweet lord what have they done to these people". I watched a TEDtalks on love and at the end the woman said something about how SSRI's ruin romantic love, and on that horrific note, it was over, and I was left feeling emptier than ever.

 

I consider myself a pretty rational person, and if I am actively suicidal, I certainly won't tolerate anyone putting me on more drugs. If I'm trying to escape the state that drugs put me in, does that make any sense? People who are numb like this often say, "I would commit suicide, but I don't care enough either way to". And unfortunately that is pretty much me. However of course there is so much I have not tried, there is something that makes me feel a little better (Buspar), there is the hope in time, in fish oil and exercise. I am not suicidal right now. I cried a little as I read your post and wrote this one, although I don't think I really felt it. But I did physically cry so there's that. I'm surprised I have enough in me to write SO much and I'm so sorry if you actually read all this, but thank you again. It is helpful to get it out of my system. 

[amiss]

I don't need sympathy, I need someone to come trotting up to me with facts and answers, and I'm weak because I just want to positive ones. I want to be told that it'll all be ok, that I will love and laugh and cry and scream again. That going down a rollercoaster will actually feel like something again. 

 

I am very grateful for the time I did live though, starting from the age I can remember, 3-15. Only 12 years but they were damn good ones. I have the most beautiful, loving mother I can ask for. I am an only child so all her attention was on me. She took me to farms and forests and beaches and mountains. I've been to all the best cities from New York to Rome to Paris. And I felt it, then, and I'll never forget walking through and taking a deep breath and thinking how lovely it was to be there. And my favorite vacation of our whole family driving from San Fran, all down Big Sur to Los Angeles and Las Vegas. 

 

I don't ******* care I'm getting my thyroid checked and all the bloodwork done.

 

SORRY FOR BEING EMOTIONAL THIS IS ALL I HAVE THOUGH. 

[Skyler]

I don't need sympathy, I need someone to come trotting up to me with facts and answers, and I'm weak because I just want to positive ones. I want to be told that it'll all be ok, that I will love and laugh and cry and scream again. That going down a rollercoaster will actually feel like something again.

 

amiss... you will get better.  I've never read an account from an AD survivor wherein there was no improvement.. albeit some were faster, while others progressed more slowly.  I'm so sorry you got the reaction you  did at 5 months, what a miserable happenstance and awakening.  Given your age, and otherwise uncomplicated medication history, you have every reason to be optimistic. The fatalism you feel is being shaped by WD.. it is not reality.  Robert Whittaker wrote a masterpiece.. and it's full of hope and reason to believe.  Hang in there... your world will get better.