amiss I'm having a really hard time, this is my story

[amiss]

I recently started eating meat so I'll see how that affects me. Meat has carnitine. As a vegetarian I was getting too little carnitine. 

 

However I gotta think about this. Everyone I know, like all my friends and family accepted me being vegetarian after Celexa. I got a lot of questions ofc, "why are you vegetarian?"

 

"Health reasons"

 

UHM EXCEPT I HAD NO HEALTH PROBLEMS? The reason was that I felt "out of control", but what does that mean? Do I feel in control now? What does that mean?!! I became a vegetarian because I wanted to lose weight, have control over my size, and I suppose 'stand out' in an angsty, elitist way. Anyway it was ******* annoying for everyone. I coerced my mom into it, too, and even shamed her on the occasions that she did eat meat.

 

I did have a strange anxiety and guilt about animals, the environment, so I pursued a more organic lifestyle, and vegetarianism is definitely much better for the planet. But why have I made a turn around and stopped caring? Why was it so easy to decide to start eating more again... why did I bother to gain the weight back and be healthy again? For awhile... for a year... I was sure that I'd be vegetarian and maybe go vegan... til death. And I was planning to starve myself to death. Why did I just turn all that around? It kind of started when I came home from Spain. I gained 5 lbs in Spain because they were feeding me SO much, and I felt terrible about it at first, but I accepted my weight at 105... then my appetite and reactive-eating kicked in and I gained up to 110 when school started. I felt bad at first, then I thought, oh I'll just keep it under 120 for a year and "heal" my body, which was really starting to fall apart. Then December-January I hit my original post-Celexa weight of 125 and was extremely down about it. I felt obese. I was wonderfully healthy and thin in reality but the BDD was twisting my insides. All my clothes were too small... I was planning to keep losing... I vowed to never weigh over 110 again in my life... which would be underweight as I wouldn't get my period and then I'd get osteoperosis and my brain would probably shrink from malnourishment.

 

Then through Spring I gained up to my highest weight at 135 and I was suicidal... just over my weight! I wasn't even overweight, but I of course felt completely obese. I felt obese at 105, though. Can't win. I'm 130 now, and steadily losing back to my original weight where I want to stay, at 125. Reactive eating has stopped totally and I can just eat when I'm hungry. I don't have a very big appetite. I used to be able to shovel in 6,000 calories a day, but I can't go over 2,000 a day if I try now. This is good, this is so good. My biggest fear when I was starving was that I had binge eating disorder. 

 

When my sexual urge and emotional response was the highest I was eating meat and running 5+ miles a day for track. I had a lot of friends. Maybe these are factors. 

[amiss]

Also I hung out with a friend and her friend today... who is a really cute guy. I mean he's about a year and a half younger than me but daaamn is he cute. And I felt kind of attracted to himmmm which is nice. At least I feel a slight attraction to guys and its not just grey over all people. I wish I had a guy my age or older to hang with... but college should help out with that.

 

Unfortunately after Celexa I'm even worse verbally than I ever was. I was always kind of an awkward, shy kid but this has really altered my ability to form complete sentences correctly. :/ 

[theelt712]

I find myself being awkward around people, period. LOL, it sucks. :/

[amiss]

But now I stutter much more, mess up words, can't find words... even with just my mom. I struggle to speak. Its ofc much easier when I type, so at least I know I'm not that retarded. 

[areyouthere]

 I mean he's about a year and a half younger than me but daaamn is he cute.

NUM NUM!!!!!! says the creepy old lady .....

[amiss]

I'm not sure what's up. I'm mostly afraid that I'm trying to force myself to feel something, like I'm pretending to enjoy things or feel anything, and now It is 2:30 am and I can't sleep out of the frustration with myself. I wish I knew what is going on, mentally, physiologically... but I'm afraid to learn that I'm epigenetically altered by Celexa or something. Luckily I thought I never wanted kids anyway, so I won't be passing down my ****** up reward system in my brain to any kids. I might actually be... infertile now.

 

That thought makes me physically well up with tears. Only a limited amount, of course, because I can only feel emotions very limitedly, but I wonder if maybe *underneath* the messed up part I may have changed. I know I've changed as a person since I was 15, my ideologies have slightly changed, and I've even voiced that I would like to adopt kids. But I wonder if deep down I really do want to have my very own kids, because I did feel that way while on Buspar for awhile. I actually was beginning to understand what a wonderful idea having a family is. Now I don't feel anything. Because I'm not on Buspar. 

 

What is ok now is that my muscle weakness and spasms are mostly gone, so I'm not sure if I can blame Buspar for that, or just anxiety. My appetite seems to be better too. But I feel numb, even my skin feels numb, I can't really feel anything physically nor mentally. All day I try to reason with it. That oh, it's ok... whatever. Wow, an equally numb reaction to a numbness of a numb girl. 

 

Tomorrow I think I will learn how to use my credit card to buy stuff online... so I will buy licorice root and piracetam and huperzine. 

 

I am extremely numb. This is too too bad. I don't know what to do.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Altostrata
expletive deleted

[theelt712]

If you do seeimprovement on licorice root, please tell us.

[Altostrata]

No more expletives, please, in any form. Thank you.

[amiss]

... ok fine. Why though? Sorry to be self centered but i dont get it. I just type what i am thinking

[amiss]

I barely slept last night, maybe 4 hours. I was on the internet again, ruminating, searching, for what exactly, I don't know. maybe a success story that followed my pattern... that is... no improvement for 2 years, without the help of meds, that is.

 

I'm just so worried that college will be a huge waste, because I won't FEEL ANY PART OF IT. That is a deep worry at the moment.

 

I do realize that where I am now in life, is probably where I would be if I hadn't taken antidepressants. I still feel a bit dp'd, so that's a sadly familiar feeling. I wish I had some sort of emotion whenever something happened. I know I keep saying this but I just wish wish wish. 

 

They say that sleep deprivation for some reason can improve the situation, and I hope that's not the reason I felt better after going for a run this morning. I did feel like I could cope with this a lot better after my jog. I am addicted to jogging. I am completely exhausted after today, I did a lot of shopping and thinking, on little sleep, and now I just wish I could go for a run again. If 1 mile can make me feel better then 3 should be a good deal better. If only for an hour or two after.

 

When I run with music I get chills. They run down my torso and I smile. I don't know if it's that good, really, but its the most interesting part of every day. Which isn't very interesting, granted, but it's a little change. Now I wish my headache wasn't here, so I could go for a run. Also I don't want to exhaust myself because that cant be good for the nervous system either. I'm stuck.

 

I can squeeze a few tears out, though. I am mindful of the things that remind me of what being human feels like. Like my reaction to music, the little things I remember from Animal Crossing... they used to bring me genuine delight. But again... I was like 11 when I last played AC. At least now I'm playing, and now I'm listening to music. Today I can even bear to listen to The Killers. Becoming emotionally detached made me truly realize how crappy they are in relation to good bands... but I mean I knew that before... I just listened to them because of emotional association.

 

I have two favorite songs now, Feeling This by blink-182 and Say It Ain't So by Weezer. I think that's cute. I catch myself singing the choruses throughout the day. Now, hearing music... It's not the same, of course, but I'm not completely ignoring music like I had been for the past year and a half. I did start to really like the radio about the time Spring turned up this year. The music became important to me. I'm going to mark that as an improvement. 

 

That Aeroman is a really strong dude. I would feel stronger if it just didn't hit me at the most important time in my life. I'm so bitter about that it's unreal. 

[amiss]

That licorice root guy from PP, I understand why he wants to leave. Once you finally feel good again, there is absolutely no use to you to stay at places like this. Most people just naturally drift off when they feel better. That's what happened to me with buspar for a few months, I didn't even reply to some people's desperate questions because... it wasn't on my mind. Feeling normal means that these sites don't come to mind. 

 

Today was a pretty unhealthy day. Usually I eat very well and exercise a lot, but today I ate wayyy too many cookies and some cake! And I spent about 8 hours playing animal crossing. :/ But thats how I am with games. I have to play for hours for the first few days, then it evens out once I get bored with it. 

 

I ran this morning, yeah... and that was the 'best' part of my day, again. I feel the closest I can feel to good after a run. What sucks is that I am not in the best shape so even a mile is hard to get to, and it was 80 degress out today. Walking doesn't come close, it's such a big difference. Running is like magic. Walking is like a waste of time. I had a Killers song stuck in my head today. 

 

Ugh. 

[amiss]

I JUST PLACED AN ORDER ON AMAZON FOR LICORICE ROOT. The Nature Way's brand. 

 

With my own debit card... omg... it should be here august 16th-21st.

 

I am doing this out of total desperation. I am anxious again after reading that a woman had anhedonia for 8 years, in a thread on this website. Why is it that only some people get it so persistently? And why don't they try things? Why is it not caused by just some drugs, but people get it from MDMA, Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil... So not fair that I have this. This is my temper tantrum. I wish I was psychotically depressed, or had 10 panic attacks a day, or was in serious pain, or had insomnia, in place of this. 

 

Nothing is as bad as anhedonia. I get kind of huffed when I see people complaining about ohhh their anxiety or depression or they cry too much or they can't sleep... well at least they're living somehow, and feeling life. This right now is not living. This is a robot life. Sorry not sorry, I'd take anything over this. But death. I mean, it's very close to death. This is what death feels like... simply nothing... I've died, I can tell you. You're talking to a dead girl. Someone actually asked me what death is like, last week. It was kind of a date... to an orchard and a cemetary. He kind of tricked me into a date. And he asked, and I, with dread, felt like I could explain it to him, because it's "just how it was before you were born. Do you remember that? I guess life is about memory, in a way." He looked at me with a dumbfounded terror, how it was before he was born? How terrible... nothingness... 

 

At that point I started to feel ill and restless. That 2 hours felt dreadfully longer. I showed him a graffiti'd spot under a bridge, a place where your voice echoes like you've never heard it to before. We talked so much, we were constantly exchanging something. I think back to that day with a mild annoyance. And now he won't stop texting me, even if I don't text back. I joke to my friend about how mean I am to him.

 

It doesn't matter, I don't care.

[alexjuice]

Yes you seem very desperate. I've noticed that foods affect me a great deal and that you've mentioned food quite a lot on this page. Have you ever considered keeping a food diary?

[amiss]

Well I am 18 years old, I'd like to experience my life. I obsessively kept a food diary for about 3 years, until recently. It makes me kind of OCD, I have to measure everything... it's just a bad idea. I don't find that food has much of an effect on me at all. I don't experience windows or waves. Just rational reactions to anhedonia and things I read about it. 

[amiss]

Ok I slept a very long time today, about 10 hours, so I was mildly proud of myself for that. I had a dream that I was on a mission in Alaska. I had a lot of spark and hope in it, for such a bleak trip. I have a lot of 'mission' dreams. Actually... in almost every dream I am on a mission. This is incongruent to my waking life, as here I feel like life is meaningless, and have thought so since I had the ability to think abstractly. 

 

I played Animal Crossing for an hour or so... the time seems to be going by very quickly today. I am in a bit of a low mood seeing as it might rain any minute. Occasionally I feel mildly ill/distressed when I see my bed, because I find no comfort in it, just disappointment. Sleeping was never a relaxing time for me. That sounds so weird but it's true. Always a low level of discomfort, constant, throughout my life. Yeah there have been times when I felt comfortable.

 

I had a friend in high school who had to have brain surgery for epilepsy. She was out for a while and her personality changed when she came back after surgery. She was nicer. Before the surgery she was kind of rude and I couldn't consider her a friend. Afterwards, though... different girl. She told me that she takes like 10 different medications a day, and will have to for the rest of her life. I asked her if she feels different since the surgery, and I remember her affirming that she does, and I coudl tell by her eyes that I shouldn't question further. I wonder how she feels.

I doubt anyone noticed a change in me, because I behave almost just as I would if I were normal. Nothing appears to have changed, except that people sometimes pick up on the 'fakeness' I put in place of natural reactions. I've learned to be tactful but occasionally I will say something, and people will interpret it as sarcastic/insincere. I don't talk much anymore.

 

I ought to go for a jog but I am low on motivation today. 

[amiss]

I went for a jog and returned immensely sweaty D: I'm not one to sweat, but I was soaked. Maybe it's muggy out today, I can hardly tell. My mom noted that my face was flushed and we ate a healthy but not tasty dinner... I was gonna pronounce today a wasted day but...

 

I was in a low mood until I went for that run... I decided to go for a walk and probably walked 2 miles. Traversed about 3 miles today. I texted my friend back after it... I did my laundry... I took an early shower and painted my nails and danced to Kanye West's familiar voice for about 3 songs. Then I scrolled through tumblr and decided to download two Lupe Fiasco albums. I used to loooove Lupe. And Common, and Kanye. ATCQ, Beastie Boys, and somehow Kid Cudi has stuck with me through this. I'm not in the mood for all that downloading, a couple albums is enough for today. 

 

I missed my mom today, when she was at work and at her friend's. Even if I can't really enjoy anything we do, there is some comfort in being with her. I kinda don't wanna leave her. And that's kinda a good feeling.

[theelt712]

I was out and about today, and it was hella muggy outside. Almost disgustingly so. We got poured on up here.

[amiss]

Yeah the mugginess is probably what is irritating me further. I am extremely frustrated at the moment. I screamed in my car, like twice. Some tears but obviously I can't sob, I would if I could. My mom keeps asking if i want to borrow her car so I did today, because after yesterday i felt a surge to do something today. But my iphone gps misled me TWICE and i ended up on the same weird highway TWICE and i was so upset with myself for wasting gas and not knowing how to get to the mall... I just got starbucks and realized i forgot to order it decaf... then i said whatever, i mean i used to drink a ton of caffeine daily, a medium coffee wont hurt me once in awhile. I thought it might placate me.... but i cant stand the numbness right now, its so hard... Im typing this from my phone cuz the mall opens at 10 so i have to wait and im in no mood to do anything and idk why i came here. This sucks. I hope i have hypothyroidism.

 

Yesterday i went to a fire and had something like "fun" with my friends. I faintly missed my mom. I laughed hard, but it didnt feel genuine at all... Whats new...

 

Really considering going back on buspar for somr relief but it SUCKS BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO BE DEPENDENT ON A SEROTONIN SUPPRESSOR JUST TO FEEL SOMEWHAT HUMAN. I cant believe most people dont feel that buspar works for them... it doesnt SEEM like it works but you gotta stick with it and later you realize that... well, something. what?

 

i dont know anymore. I just forgot where i was. someone take me home and euthanize me i dont want to live anymore its far too hard. If licorice root doesnt work i'll be so heartbroken and alone... please let me me feel something strong please

[amiss]

I need a hug or i dont know. Im still crying and im in a parking lot. I dont know how i feel. I need to talk to someone, i need buspar cabergoline huperzine and licorice root and cocaine and most of all i want my crippling anxiety back, my anhedonic depression, not this permanent-everything-is-ok-mood. I need reassurance that i will someday soon feel again and cry rivers and laugh and feel it and smile and actually mean it, touch my core... I need help so badly. Its been a tough 6 years but an unimaginably unfortunate 2.

[brassmonkey]

 

Hi amiss--I haven't had a chance to catch up on your story, so I can't really offer advice, but I'm always good for some  (((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[amiss]

Thank you.

 

I think I'm just finally deciding to react to what happened to me. I don't know if, or I don't think that this is any improvement at all. In fact, I feel as though it has gotten worse. But I'm at a major transition in my life-- going to college, and I was never good at transitions. I always ignored them. Getting off Celexa was a transition in a way, even though I CT'd. It was a transition out of DP, I was on vacation at the time, a new year of school was ahead of me...transitions! Even before this happened I had the constant idea running through my head of:

"I'm not cut out to live"

Because I can't handle things. I can't handle people judging me, rejection, divorce, dating, relationships, affection, food, decisions, math, my native language. The fact that my family is isolating and alienating. When I was younger I couldn't handle the change of seasons; it was so hard for me to stop wearing tights and coats in the summer, I just couldn't adapt. I can't adapt. OMG THIS POINTS TO ---> LOW CORTISOL <---

 

Science!

 

I have asthma, low body temperature, fatigue/sleepiness, hypoglycemia, temperature intolerance. I know I'm picking and chosing symptoms but I desperately need this to be a low cortisol problem. I know 100% that my allergies and asthma are stress/psychological, but I don't know if that means cortisol is the problem. Anyway, the licorice root is coming. it has already shipped so it should come in tomorrow! I also have complete body numbness... like my skin is numb on the surface, all of it. Is that from stress? Or? I don't know, I hope I regain the sensitivity. I better. I'm glad that the muscle twitches and weakness are 90% gone. Since gaining the weight back my OCD is very much down. Along with that, cognitive dissonance and problems making decisions is better. I don't know why that correlates with starving, but w/e.

 

Ok so these are my current problems, ranging from most distressing to whatever:

 

- anhedonia, emotional numbing, and PSSD (all related anyway)

- problems expressing myself verbally

- skin numbness

- treatment resistant asthma

- fatigue and irritability

- IBS 

- frequent thirst/urination

- imprints staying on skin for a long time

- crazy appetite changes

[Altostrata]

You may have withdrawal symptoms plus you may have some kind of endocrine problem.

 

If I were you, I'd see a doctor and ask for a full endocrine workup.

 

You also need to take care by eating well, which affects your gut and everything else. Are you eating regularly?

[amiss]

I eat regularly, well-balanced meals, and mostly whole food but recently I ate a lot of pastries....  

 

My doctor is weird and disrespectful to me. I always seem to have a different one because our health insurance has changed so many times, but this most recent one is god awful. I can't even call for an appointment until the 22nd, the healthcare system really does suck. I don't understand because there are so many nurses and everything now is so medicine oriented, healthcare should be immediate and accessible. Not "wait 3 months". We're still pilgrims.

 

I feel slightly better right now. I ran a mile this morning. I ate like 4 pieces of dark chocolate with sea salt today, I feel like chocolate is pretty affective. Also my licorice root came in today! I will start taking it tomorrow morning. 

 

Minor improvement in that I downloaded two more albums! And I felt bored. Just for a second, but I actually felt bored. Wow! How refreshing it is to feel bored! I'm pretty proud of not feeling bad about buying jeans yesterday. 

[Altostrata]

I found IBS fairly simple to manage. I used Metamucil -- on a consistent schedule -- for several weeks to get regular. After that, a glass or two of water upon waking worked fine.

 

This may help other of your symptoms, too, since the gut influences so much.

[theelt712]

Ibs is the pits, now doubt about it. I do get symptoms of it from time to time. I wish you the best of luck with licorice root!

[amiss]

I think the digestive problems are just from transitioning from a restrictive diet to eating normally again. And maybe from fish oil. I'm not worried about it, it's my least concern. 

 

So I just got home and I'm in a bit of a bad mood. I don't feel like doing anything...The beauty of depressive anhedonia was that I never wanted to do anything because I wasn't in the mood to. I was unhappy! And I could put on some music to reflect my natural apathy. Nothing exciting was ocurring in my life, so it was hard to appreciate the sunlight and I didn't want people around... The frustration of SSRI anhedonia is that I am very much 'up' to do anything! Let's go to the beach, let's see a movie, let's take a walk. All day, all the time, let's do it. Because it's slightly different than just sitting around on a computer. It's a mild change. I will feel the same anywhere, so why not go to LA or Rome. Or the moon. I will feel just about the same on a rollercoaster as I will in my bed. 

 

Wow I can just ramble on about this for weeks. When will I decide to stop? 

 

Anyway

 

So

 

I took 1 Licorice Root pill, 450 mg Nature Way, same as the guy that had success with it. This morning, along with my fish pill. At the same time, because I am such a pro at swallowing pills. *punches self in face* I don't think I felt anything from it, maybe a boost of energy but no bad side effects like anxiety or agitation. I went for a run (1.2 miles!!!) and mowed the lawn, and then walked around a lot with a friend. Basically enough exercise. I'm building stamina, so I'm numb-happy about that. My mom was cleaning and prepping for a party all morning, and she asked me to cut the rosebush outside and mow the lawn, a guy came over to fix the ceiling downstairs, so there were many things happening today... and I was kind of irritated by that. But now I'm home and my mom's friends are over and I'm feeling markedly unsatisfied. I would like someone to hang out with tonight, something to do, I want to be hungry so food can taste somewhat good, just something. I guess I'm kind of bored. Gonna keep taking that licorice root... got 99 pills left. 

[amiss]

Okay so I JUST realized that I'm take 1/6th of the reccommended dose..... !!! The bottle says to take 2 450 mg pills 3 times a day! I took just one yesterday! I guess it might be better to 'build up' to it but I didn't notice any effects, good or bad, yesterday. So today I'll take 1 pill 3 times, so that will be half a dose. The bottle was only $6 but there are only 100 pills in it, and if I take 6 a day, that'll last me like two weeks?! Apparently no studies have been made about any effects of it over 4-6 weeks so that doesn't mean it's necessarily harmful, just hasn't been studied. If it works I will gladly spend money on it, but IF IT WORKS. I took my temperature this morning, and it's still at the usual 97.5. 

 

So I just got a letter in the mail from my college in response to me checking off on the health questionnaire that I may need counseling... and they sent me a 4 page packet of lists of names of counselers in the area!!! I am so in love with my college. And since I will have the college's health insurance, I will only need to pay $20 copay per visit if the counseler accepts the insurance! I definitely will find one. And my college itself offers up to 10 free counseling sessions per school year, which is so great, and they have psychologists and psychiatrists on hand. I will definitely talk to everyone and get some kind of solution/support. 

[Nikki]

"One of the symptoms of "waves" during recovery is a general sense that things are hopeless, always have been, always will be; that we have always basically felt this bad and always will. It's like we lose the ability to remember other states of mind that we've been in in the past. I suspect you may be having some of this."  Rhi

 

This is so true, so true.

 

I have a warm place in my heart for people on and off Celexa.

 

Keeping busy with your aun'ts apartment sounded like good medicine

[amiss]

"One of the symptoms of "waves" during recovery is a general sense that things are hopeless, always have been, always will be; that we have always basically felt this bad and always will. It's like we lose the ability to remember other states of mind that we've been in in the past. I suspect you may be having some of this."  Rhi

 

This is so true, so true.

 

I have a warm place in my heart for people on and off Celexa.

 

Keeping busy with your aun'ts apartment sounded like good medicine

 

Thanks for bringing that to my attention. I rarely read things through thoroughly the first time, it's like I'm in a stubborn fog and just disregard anything good anyone tells me. 

 

 

I'm going out with a friend soon although I don't really want to. I'd be bored at home but I'm not in the mood to entertain, and I'm getting bitchy/moody vibes from her. She's insecure about her relationships with people and is like desperate to collect friends. She calls me her best friend but I of course, don't really care about her! I think at one point I may have cared. She seems so wrapped up in needing to constantly be 'doing something'. I thought she identified as an introvert, but if she's an introvert then I'm a complete loner. I've always 'enjoyed' days in solitude, or at least limited social interaction. I can't remember ever really in-depth caring about how other people are doing, unless they're my family. Maybe this is how every person feels about others... I've always felt in competition with my close friends, just about all of which were girls, so I secretly wished misfortune on them. I've found respite in having gay friends because there's less sense of competition. However, with this girl, my 'best friend' who is gay, I feel an overpowering sense of competition. We have a lot of mutual friends, and she tries to shield me from other people. If I mention a friend, she'll say something like "I thought you didn't like that person" she doesn't like sharing me with people and constantly tells me she doesn't want me to get a boyfriend. I don't understand this strategy of hers. Terribly sorry but I couldn't care less about you. You mean so little to me. I don't know if I've always felt this way, or if it's because I am numb, or if she is just unworthy of feeling something for. 

 

That makes me sound like a sociopath.

[areyouthere]

 

 

That makes me sound like a sociopath.

 

Sounds like pretty normal bantering back and forth of emotions to me.

 

If those feelings were a sign of being a sociopath then most of the people in this world  could be labeled that!!!

[theelt712]

LOL, if I were you I would feel the same way.

[amiss]

Why is g ay censored? That's a bit weird. 

 

 

 

 

That makes me sound like a sociopath.

 

Sounds like pretty normal bantering back and forth of emotions to me.

 

If those feelings were a sign of being a sociopath then most of the people in this world  could be labeled that!!!

 

LOL, if I were you I would feel the same way.

 

Ah, that's good. I've been called a sociopath a few times... mostly by boys... and my mom... probably just because I voice what I see as the truth. And people are so confusing to me. I don't understand how they work... I guess no one does but it distresses me more than normal people. As the days go by and I get older my view completely shifts and changes it's quite interesting. Sorry to be morbid but part of the reason I won't kill myself is because I'm too curious about the future. Might as well see what happens. Maybe I'll even recover my ability to feel deep emotions.

 

So yesterday with my friend was actually much better than I anticipated through her texts. I always take texts to be 'bitchy' or more negative than they're intended, that's probably just a reflection of my own perception of others. Recently I've been thinking back to the 'good times' over the past two anhedonic years. The good times mostly coincided with the time I was on Buspar. I thought too for a moment, that Buspar may actually enhance what the normal me would be like... because of the strong urge to draw and paint and generally be more impulsive and hypersexual, it's like a dopamine rush. I have no way of knowing whether or not that's my 'true self' or not because I don't have much to compare it to. At 15 years old, my life was quite tumultuous and I was psychologically 'healing' from the effects of some mysterious pill I took when I was 14, and I believe I had serotonin syndrome from it, or something. I'll never know. I would draw sometimes. After Celexa I never drew, unless I was asked. Then on Buspar I had an overwhelming urge to. Now I'm not sure if I'm just forcing myself but I draw more regularly. I'm more interested in music now than I have been after Celexa, but that may also be subconsciously forced. I've started watching a show recommended to me by a friend, Death Note... I'm tapping into my inner nerd. I secretly really like anime... sometimes. I'm on episode like 21 out of 37. At least I mostly pay attention to it. Since last Wednesday I've had a huge increase in appetite, it feels like my metabolism is jacked up. It's probably a combination of exercise, reactive eating, and reduced anxiety. 

 

About licorice root: I took 1 capsule the first day, 3 the second day, and I will probably take 5 today. I don't notice anything different really. I have had more elaborate dreams lately though. Past two nights were pretty weird. I get completely insane dreams on Buspar, usually terrifying! I leave for college in 9 days.

[theelt712]

Good luck for college! I go back to school Thursday.

[amiss]

Ok so this has been my third day on licorice root. I just came back from a party and I feel like I can 'handle' things better. I haven't really been presented with anything too difficult to handle, but eh. My anxiety is completely gone. I've never felt so un-anxious in my life. It doesn't feel good or bad, just feels normal, anxiety-wise. This may be due to licorice root or that I have finally grown up and stopped caring too much about ****, or I am actually still anxious and just 'frozen' about it. 

 

Something interesting: I decided to buy a green tea today and had no guilt about it after, actually I was glad that I bought it. I'm feeling less guilty about spending money in general, but that may be because we seem to be more secure financially nowadays. Like college isn't that big of a stressor. I have to buy books for school, tomorrow. I'm not so concerned about stretch marks or my body image anymore. I am just neutral about it now, where I used to hate my looks. 

 

This may be a progression of anhedonia?! I have no idea what is going on. Is the licorice root having an SSRI effect or helping or not doing anything?! Why am I not anxious anymore?! This is so unlike me.

 

Also I've never really understand what 'brainfog' is. Do I have it? Have I ever experienced it? I've never had trouble thinking, oh no, I've always been there for myself in my mind. I don't think I have ever experienced brainfog. Either that or I'm totally oblivious to a lot of things. Which doesn't make sense to me because if I am anything, I'm self-aware.

 

I feel like maybe licorice root, if it has done anything, it has calmed me down immensely, but I'm not sure if that's even a good thing. What if this is more anhedonia? I don't want that, I'd rather feel terribly distressed about having no pleasure than be like relaxed about it... Because distress is more of a feeling. Emotion is from the Latin 'emovere' which means a disturbance, and I would totally rather be disturbed about it than a serene lake about it. 

 

I feel... like I can handle things. Is that because I lack emotion even more now? What is going on?!

[amiss]

What am I gonna do? Buspar right now seems like my only help. I feel like I'm just pushing through a thick grey fog with these supplements, this licorice root and fish oil, I don't know what to think about them. I hate that another man-made medication is the only thing that helps. 

 

I can safely say that muscle twitching/spasms/weakness are gone totally, but that's not even good news because it may have been due to the buspar in the first place, rather than just anxiety. 

 

"Although an influence of EPA and DHA on brain physiology and structure is apparent, the precise mechanisms whereby omega-3 fatty acids may alleviate depression remain unknown. "

 

Every goddamn thing REMAINS UNKNOWN. Prognosis for recovery remains unknown. How long is my hope gonna last remains unknown. I'm so un-anxious I prefer anxiety because at least it's something. I'm gonna take just one capsule a day and see what happens. I'll get my hands on piracetam in the future. 

 

Cruel.

[theelt712]

Licorice root may be a seretonin ruptake inhibitor. One guy stuck with liorice root for 3 months before he saw any sort of results. If you go on BuSpar, it is your choice.