Cdav: How to deal with depression and interrupted personal/career plans

[Cdav]

Not very well Joannad, apparently I'm having a "manic-like episode". I'm not longer in a depressed state. I'm extremely irritable and angry, having negative and racing thoughts. Can't stop screaming and smashing things. 

 

The doctor wants to thrown in an antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer. Though he's trying to help, I'm not sure if I should trust him now. 

 

Still in a nightmare that won't end. 

 

Thank you for asking. 

[LoveandLight]

Oh god that's really difficult..let's us know what you do/ how your getting on cxx

[tgirl]

Cdav,

First of all, thank you for visiting my thread!

How's the elavil working out for you?

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's horrible!

I wish you well.

tgirl

[Cdav]

Hi tgirl, and everybody who reads this. 

 

I don't know how the elavil is working for me amymore. I'm confused. I accepted a low dose of keppra (Dr thought it would be helpful for WD symptoms), I accepted a low dose of amisulpiride (antipsychotic). I feel very drugged, I feel very irritable, I feel suicidal, I feel like whatever made me be a good and creative person is no longer inside of me. 

 

I'm confused. I want to trust my doctor, but I don't entirely. I want to trust myself and stop those new meds he put me on, but I don't trust myself either. 

 

I'm hanging in there. This is hard. It's ruining my relationship with boyfriend (or ex boyfriend), it's ruining my dreams, it's ruining my present and possibly my future. 

 

Sorry for writing in such a negative way. This is how I've been feeling, most days. I don't know how much is the "real" me who should just get ahold of herself, or how much is withdrawal or med side effects. 

[Narcissus]

I'm so sorry for all that you've lost, cdav. I can relate to the feeling that one's good/creative self is gone, buried under withdrawal symptoms. That self is still there of course, it's just much more active in better health I think. It will return as you recover.

 

It sounds like you're a bit lost at the moment. You've said numerous times that new drugs make you feel worse, and yet you keep letting your doctor put you on new meds. I would stop the inflow of drugs and give yourself a chance to recover. Nobody here has found a drug that cured withdrawal, it's simply not going to happen. Trust yourself and your experience over your doctor, always.

 

Hang in there, we're hanging on with you.

[Cdav]

Thank you for your reply and nice words Narcisuss.

 

Yes, I've been so desperate to feel better and feel like my old self as soon as possible, so I've accepted new medication. This has been a terrible mistake. Some of the medication does help, like Lyrica (for twitching and neuropathic pain), and a tiny dose of Elavil (keeps brain zaps at bay and also seems to help akathisia). But I can't tolerate more than that. I've been stubborn and suffered a lot by not accepting withdrawal just takes time to improve. 

 

So yesterday I stopped the new drugs that the doctor thought would help. Thankfully, I feel MUCH better today.  

 

Narcissus, I see in your signature you still have withdrawal symptoms even on 75 mg of Effexor since 2012. What are your WD symptoms? Have you felt any improvement with time?

[Petunia]

So yesterday I stopped the new drugs that the doctor thought would help. Thankfully, I feel MUCH better today.  

 

 

I was happy to read this Cdav.

 

I've got a couple of suggestions.  First I think you need to read back through your thread from the beginning and I'd highly recommend reading Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker.

 

Other resources you may find helpful are Your Drug may be you Problem by Dr. Peter Breggin and Council for Evidence Based Psychiatry

[Cdav]

Thank you so much Petu. I read the intros and some parts of these books you recommed, really good information. It really opens my eyes. I'll be reading the whole books. 

 

Looking back to the last couple of years, all the poly-drugging has caused terrible suffering. And it wasn't until now, that I decided to stop trusting the "authority" and "knowledge" of doctors and just listen to my body. Even if my doctor understands protracted withdrawal, he is wrong in thinking I need more medication right now. 

 

Good thing is doctor decreased Elavil to half (since he noticed this was causing anger and irritability). I felt much better too. Since I'm feeling well (no brain zaps, no akathisia, better mood), I'm going to wait to stabilize on this for a while, and then I'll reduce very very very slowly. 

 

I know I've been rotating between many meds. I'm not letting this happen anymore. 

 

This website has been a blessing. I'm in a good window right now, really enjoying it. 

[LoveandLight]

Glad to hear!

[Altostrata]

Good to hear less amitriptyline is better.

 

Are you still taking Lyrica? Please update your signature.

[WiggleIt]

Hi Cdav,

 

Looks like you and I have been on some similar meds, and I am in the same withdrawal boat as you: multiple withdrawal, and mine were all cold turkey because my primary care physician said I was on such low doses that I could just reduce quickly with no problem.  She is dumb and she was wrong.  

 

You took Elavil (a tricyclic) and clonazepam (benzo).  I took Pamelor (a.k.a. nortriptyline, a tricyclic), then Norpramin (a.k.a desipramine, also a tricyclic), and also Ativan (a.k.a lorazepam, a benzo).  I was on stuff for three years total.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through, but so many of the kind people here have assured me things do get better.  We just have to allow ourselves time.

 

I have never been on an SSRI, or an SNRI, or anything else.  I am unfamiliar if tricyclics help with the symptoms you have mentioned.  I have some of your same symptoms, and they were caused by tricyclics and benzos.  But I have learned that every human body reacts slightly differently, so maybe the tricyclics will help you.  Just pay attention to your body and try to notice if you feel better or not.    

 

What I can tell you is that a little, tiny bit of my symptoms are a little, tiny bit better.  I have been off everything for a month and half at this point, so I am still in acute withdrawal.  But my family says that they DO notice improvements.  Honestly, I notice some small improvements, too, but since I want to be better NOW, it is still very difficult for me to recognize my own improvements.

 

You are in my prayers, Cdav.  I believe we ALL can get better.

[Cdav]

Thank you Alostrata. 

 

Yes, I'm stil taking 75 mg Lyrica. I'm going to attempt a reduction of it if I keep feeing stable for a month. I already updated my Signature, hope it appears updated. 

 

I also started taking Magnesium Citrate (Natural Calm) 25 mg 3 days ago. I've been tolerating it well (except for some mild gas), and seems to be helpful. I thought I should try it after reading the thread here about Magnesium. 

[WiggleIt]

I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING!!! I wanted to respond to the topic of your post, since it addresses the depression that comes with interrupted personal/career plans.

 

What I have to say about that is that I hope you can learn to let go and let God.  That is something my grandma used to say.  Now, I finally understand.  I used to have a pretty impressive career path.  I was a college professor and a publicist for rock bands.  I missed those jobs for a while, until I realized something: the ONLY reason I was able to do those jobs is because I was healthy.  The only reason I was able to do ANYTHING, EVER is because I was healthy.

 

Health is truly the foundation to everything else we have.  So instead of focusing on all the things I've lost, I'd rather focus on the ONE thing that makes everything else possible: my health.  If I can be healthy again, the whole world will be open to me.  So I will make my health my priority.  Not just now, but forever.  Because now I know that it is the building block for anything else I might ever want.   

[Cdav]

WiggleIt, thank you for your words. 

 

Yes, all this journey has been very confusing and painful and since doctors don't have a lot of experience with people with our problem, they stupidly think we can quit small doses without any trouble. 

 

My withdrawal problem actually started with Pristiq, a SRNI, and after that everything was worsened by mutliple meds. Now a very small dose of Elavil seems to be working with WD symptoms. Later on when I try to reduce this, it might bring its own set of WD symptoms, but for now I'm not going to make any changes, since I'm feeling better. 

 

Yes, one rule about meds I guess is that everyone reacts differently to taking them and to withdrawing from them. As for the benzo, (0.5 clonazepam) I hope I can quit this later on too. But we have to take it really slowly and be patient. 

 

I'm glad you are noticing improvements in yourself. I've been through that hurry of wanting to feel perfectly well RIGHT NOW, and I've learned this causes a lot of unnecessary stress and hopelessness, and in my case, poly-drugging and halting my healing process. 

 

Thank you for letting me be in your prayers, you will also be in my prayers as well as everyone struggling with this situation. and yes, we will ALL get better. It seems tragic, but this will give us a lot of tools to be stronger on the long run

[Cdav]

WigleIt, 

 

Your last post is really touching and helpful. 

 

I've been very frustrated due to my lack of health and how this has interrupted my dreams and plans. It's like a punch to my identity and sense of self. But, yes, during the last weeks I've learned to trust this process and God and not try to hurry at all in anything. I've been learning to let go (thought it's sometimes very hard), and just not measure my value with external achievements (personal or career-wise). 

 

My priority is my health now too, and I've been learning how to take care of myself, even if this means interrupting my plans. There's no rush now. Like you said, health is the foundation of everything else. But even if I don't have perfect health right now, I have to be grateful for everything else I do have (family, friends, strength, talents that will emerge again as I keep feeling better, and the list goes on….). 

 

I suppose this WD process is a huge lesson on many things, patience, trust, faith, etc… 

[Cdav]

So, after 6 fairly good days of a very nice window. I had a barely tolerable and uncomfortable wave today. It is not as bad as other times, but it is disheartening after so many good days and what I had thought was the best week in many months, for me. 

 

Some weird head sensations returned along with a lot of twitching in my body. I don't know if there was a trigger. I think it might be related to my menstrual cycle, as it started yesterday. I also noticed some depressive feelings the day before yesterday. I always suffer a lot during PMS and generally become extremely irritable, depressed and suicidal during these days. But not this time. So, even if I don't feel so well, I know it's better than in other months. 

 

I'm going to see how I feel after my period ends to see if it was related. 

[LoveandLight]

Totally understand - disheartening and confusing! But we are still getting through it xx

[Frustrated]

my WD symptoms amp up every month before my period and the first 2 days of it.  That could very well be your trigger.  Pay attention every month and you might see a pattern.  Hope it passes quickly.

[Altostrata]

Cdav, have you tried fish oil and magnesium? See

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/
 

A lot of people find them helpful. Try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

[Cdav]

Thank you Joannad, Frustrated, and Altostrata. 

 

I'm still on this wave, though it's the 3rd day of my period. I'm hoping this is the reason my symptoms flared up, so that things can be more predictable. 

 

I've had a really rough day with the head sensations and the twitching. I'm not having brain zaps, though. These sensations are different, but very irritating. It's like an uncomfortable feeling that goes from the top of my head to the back of my neck … like a certain pressure or pulling that resolves into a twitch on some part of my body (mostly back and arms). The uncomfortable sensation on the head subsides right after I have the twitching on my body. It's really weird. Feels like stripped wires sending crazy signals from my brain to my body, causing a lot of short circuits.  That's the only way I can explain this. I just want this to go away SOON!

 

As for the Fish Oil, I've been on and off of it, I started to take it again at the beginning of last week , along with 230 mg Magnesium Citrate. Since I was having a window I thought the supplements were helping. But now that symptoms are back, I'm not so sure. Maybe I'll try to increase the dose of the fish oil (I've only been taking 2 capsules) and see what happens. 

 

Very negative thoughts are coming to my head. The dreadful thought of "I'm never going to recover and be myself again" is back, along with the jealousy of people who are fully living their lives, I really hate this jealousy/envy feeling, it causes a lot of bitterness and I don't want to be in that place again, specially after having a glimpse of hope, of what life should be like. 

[wantrelief]

Hi there Cdav,

 

I am in a different place trying to stabilize from a taper off of Citalopram but share your same feelings of the "I'm never going to recover and be myself"…. I think it is hard to believe we will recover because of the uncertain healing process with this illness.  I mean if you had a cold, you would know you would be feeling better within a few days but with this it is the when that is so hard to know.  I am having a difficult time feeling positive too but am trying to catch these thoughts and turn them around.  I also find it difficult to see others going on and living their lives.  It is so hard when you are feeling so badly and no one knows how you feel.  With this one I try to be happy for them, that I wouldn't want them to suffer and I want others to be happy.  At least we have one another here to know how badly we feel and can share our feelings with one another.

 

I hope you get some relief soon - you sure deserve it!

 

Michele

[tgirl]

Hello Cdav,

Thank you for reading my thread,especially when your not feeling so good yourself!

I hope you see some windows soon!

Merry Christmas!

[Cdav]

Michele, thank you for you reply. I think that's very good advice, to try to be happy for the people around us who are healthy and living their lives in a normal way. It might be hard sometimes. But I'm going to try to see it under a different light, and just think that I need to go through this in order to learn something I need to learn, like a life lesson that will be very helpful and will make me be a better person. It is a blessing though, to know there are other people like us. I thought there weren't, because my doctor told me this had never happened to any of his patients. But after finding this website, I feel much more connected and understood. I really hope you get relief soon too! You also deserve it  

 

 

tgirl, Merry Christmas to you too! I also hope that you feel better. Best wishes!

[Cdav]

This wave is getting worse and it's making me feel really sad. I couldn't go to work today. My head feels like a brick, huge brain fog, still a lot of painful twitching on my back, arms and hands fingers, and also on my legs and feet. Some akathisia feelings are coming back. I can't think straight. No energy. 

 

I stopped the low dose of Elavil I started taking on Dec 1 (on the hopes of stabilising on something after many med changes), to see if this was causing the problem, but no, I still felt the same symptoms plus some brain zaps came back. So I reinstated the same dose of Elavil. 

 

I also thought the magnesium might be causing this problem, so I've stopped it for two days to see if anything improves. Still feeling bad.

 

I don't think this can be longer related to my period, because it ended some days ago.

 

Could it be the fish oil? Or is this just a wave?  My doctors says this is still part of withdrawal syndrome. 

 

I fell into the illusion of enjoying my last short window too much and now I don't see the end of this wave.

[RubyTuesday]

I am in the same boat too. I thought about writing all the dreams and plans I have had with writing, dance, yoga, work, and so on and how they went wrong, but that would depress me more. Ditto with relationships. Today I am having a bad wave. Some days (like today) I get a repeating thought stuck in my head: my brain goes back over and over again to the same trauma: how my husband started doing crack when our son was an infant. (he is 21!) and before that he was on trazodone. we have not lived together for 18 years so watching my brain go over and over this is extremely frustrating.

Right now I feel weak, nauseous, terrified, like a knife edge going through my body. for some reason this is always worse between 12 & 3pm.

 

Today I am dealing with this by lying flat on my back and shaking like a leaf, and about every 5 minutes I sit up and read another few lines on this website, and then I lie down again in exhaustion. And I try to watch my breath. Difficult as I have no concentration. I have fun activities or work in the morning and evening, but nothing seems to help me with the afternoons.

[Cdav]

So sorry you're going through that RubyTuesday. It's one of the worst symptoms to have cyclic and distressing thoughts that won't go away on top of the physical symptoms.  

 

I suppose we just need to keep pushing through these wavy days and hope they don't last too long. It's so discomforting how this is so unpredictable. But I've read somewhere in these forums that when there is a bad wave, it's a sign of healing happening. I'm trying to focus on that. 

 

I wish you feel better. 

[Cdav]

Hi there, 

 

It seems like this last wave has opened a little bit, but not completely. Last 2 days have been better. Symptoms are a little less disturbing, though still there.

 

Still twitching all over, body pain (fibromyalgia or neuropathic-like pain) and headaches. All of this is less severe now and I have mini-windows of these disappearing for an hour or less. 

 

I'm suspecting magnesium could've caused a lot of the fatigue and weakness I was experiencing and now that I stopped this supplement, I feel like I have more energy. Not sure if it was the magnesium, though, or just a wave. I'll try the mag again later on for PMS. 

 

Right now, I can't stop thinking about how much healing I have to do, since I'm healing from so many drugs that were given to me. I don't know from what date to start counting. And I'm still on some meds and afraid to stop them now. I guess I shouldn't focus too much on this and just wait until I have longer windows. 

[Cdav]

I'm starting to think magnesium might be causing some uncomfortable head sensations and twitching in my fingers. I had stopped it about two weeks ago to see if these symptoms stopped, the head sensations diminished and the finger twitching disappeared. Now that I started magnesium again two days ago, these symptoms are back. I don't know if it's a coincidence, but I'm going to stop taking it again, and see if this clears up. 

 

I had been having excruciating headaches these past two weeks, though, and I'm not having a headache now, just weird and very annoying feelings in my head along with the twitching. It seems like if one thing gets fixed, another one gets "broken". 

[Cdav]

Very depressed today. A lot of fatigue. Twitching won't stop. No headache today, thankfully.

 

My mom called the pdoc because she was concerned by my crying and constant muscle twitching. Obviously he said I should add a med (a low dose of an antipsychotic), I know better this time. It would be tempting to just try yet another pill if I didn't know what I know now. I'm so desperate to feel better that there's a part of me that still believes a doctor can cure me. It's so sad that this is not possible. 

 

I'm supposed to release my EP album this month with my original songs, but I feel like I can't even if I want to. Again, dealing with the heartbreak of having to interrupt my life. 

[LoveandLight]

Sorry Cdav. It is sad and very frightening that we are going through this in response to something legally prescribed.

 

I took feel grief at the loss of being able to live life xx

[bubble]

Dear Cdav,

 

I understand how scary it all seems. But it will pass. I think the fact that symptoms come and go is a very good sign. Things will get better. Now you know what makes you unwell, you have learnt it the hard way and now you can do only things which will help your recovery.

 

I'm sorry that we weren't arouund when you asked whether to try what your doctor advised. But you stopped them quickly and you will get better. It might just take a bit more time.

It's good that you are aware that so many changes are now causing you to feel bad. This at the same time means that now when you know that time and stability heal things can only get better.

 

I see new you emerging ready to accept that this is just temporary and allow it to run its course. In that way it will stop sooner. I liked what somebody wrote on your thread about focusing on your health. I would maybe use a broader term of wellbeing. If we focus on small even tiny signs of improvement everything else will fall into place. Your career will be there waiting for you.

 

The month is long.you can still release that album. But if not, it's really not a big deal. This might sound awfully insensitive to say because there's so much effort and work involved of you and other people. But still it's not worth of sacrificing your wellbeing. You will release it some other time. I had an awfully hard time accepting that. I would stuff myself with pills to be able to do what I believed was necesssary and I couldn't do without. Now I see that most things can wait for us to get better.

 

Fear is our worst enemy in this battle. Fear that things will get worse or that they will never get better. But we now well that neither of this is true. In the book Feel the fear and do it anyway it says:no matter what happens, I will deal with it.

 

You showed that you can and will deal with things. Although it might not feel like that to you, things are getting better. And I'm sure you will start feeling that soon.

 

Big hug,

Bubble

[Cdav]

Thank you for answering Bubble. I really needed to read what you wrote to me. 

 

Since yesterday I've been experiencing deep depression. I wonder if this is part of Withdrawal or if it's something else. It's hard to deal with this. A lot of chest oppression and pain, along with extreme fatigue. Maybe it's hormones? I just finished ovulating. 

 

Abou the album, you're right, this month is long and it's not a big deal if I still take longer to release it. It's taken me more than a year to record this album, because of my condition and the unpredictability of it. But still I'm proud that I was able to record it. What comes next is scary, not knowing how I'm going to feel. But I'll manage. 

 

Any advice of improving depressive feelings? It feels very physical, not mental. I feel the depression in my body and I don't know if this is part of a wave or what. 

 

Thank you. 

[Cdav]

Headaches are gone, twitches are almost gone. Now I'm only left with a very dark depression that doesn't seem to respond to exercise (this costs me a lot to do), yoga, diet, meditation or anything. This is in fact the most scary symptom of all. Cortisol mornings are back. I just can't wait anymore for this to go away. 

[LoveandLight]

Yes me too, that's exactly how I've been..and I'm sorry it's so awful. Xx

[WiggleIt]

Cdav, I wrote something back to you on my thread about creativity… It's just a silly little piece of advice, but maybe helpful?

[WiggleIt]

Cdav, 

 

I also want to tell you that I used to work in the music industry here in the US.  Used to promote concerts, manage bands, and do publicity for bands.  If you need to delay your album release, it's okay.  Better for the album to be released later and promoted well, instead of being released in a hurry and promoted poorly.  I have seen musicians rush to promote albums when not all the pieces were in place, and it goes poorly.  But I never saw anybody do poorly who pushed back the date of an album release in order to wait for everything to be done just right.