Cdav: How to deal with depression and interrupted personal/career plans

[WiggleIt]

Cdav, while your update breaks my heart since it shows that you are suffering deeply, there are parts of your update that hearten me: you stated more than once that you want to live and that your windows remind you that life can be good.  Those affirmations are AMAZING.

Also, I trust that you know your depression better than your doctor does.  I believe it is legitimate when you say your depression was better before meds.  Many others have reported the same thing.  If your doctor is not helping you, can you switch doctors?

[Cdav]

Thank you Wiggle. 

 

I do want to switch doctors, but I'm afraid other doctors will be even more clueless about what to do with me. They can only prescribe more meds, and I can't take them anymore. 

 

I wish there was someone who could help me. 

 

Thank you for passing by my thread and posting  

[WiggleIt]

I understand the concern about other doctors being even more clueless. I'm sorry.

[LoveandLight]

CDAV

 

How about emailing Yolana Lucire or another "expert" in drug withdrawal for validation and support, if not advice? Xxx

[Martina23]

Hello CDAV, how is your singing? How was this presentation time ago? By me nothing really new, only on Friday I almost lost my son on the public celebration. There were so many people. My daughter wanted to go on merry-go round, so I wanted to buy her a ticket. And I turned I almost froze. My son was not there. I ran through the whole place for over than hour, called the police and crying for help. Some visitors were very nice and tried to look for him also. But the people which were in the stands or selling the tickets, they were one catastroph. They were not taking care at all. After two hours, when I was already afraid that the darkness comes, there came police auto the carousell where we stand and I saw already Benny waving from the police car. The police woman said "I should take care better next time" and we went home. I must say, I was near mental breakdown. I mean, can you imagine, also missing the son and also to be in withdrawal? It is really one of the experiences I do not wish to anyone.

 

Hope you are better.

 

Martina

[Cdav]

Thank you Wiggle. It's hard to find a doctor who knows exactly what we're going through and that won't label us with a psychiatric disorder unrelated to withdrawal. 

 

 

Love, I will try to contact Dr. Yolanda. I think I just suffered from a very adverse reaction to antibiotics (I had already experienced this before) and my akathisia is back. I had a very bad stomach flu. Still catching lots of other diseases. Feeling like crap on top of everything. I never had these reactions to antibiotics prior to withdrawal. I'll email her. 

[Cdav]

Martina, I'm SO SORRY about what happened with your son. But it was not your fault, that could happen to anybody. But I can only imagine how bad it would feel on top of your nervous system already in distress. I really admire you for going through this with two children. I get so sad and cry so much because I don't think I'll be able to have children of my own and take care of them, and I'm going to be 33. Since I don't know when I will heal, or if I'll ever be strong again, the probability of not having children is very high, and that really makes me sad. 

 

You are a very good mother don't forget that. It's so unfair this withdrawal **** had to happen to us. I'm sorry I'm angry right now. It's just not fair that this atrocity could happen to good people like you, me and everyone around here.

 

My singing has been quite interrrupted. I did sing that day, but it was really hard for me to find the courage to prepare and go to the place. I'v been giving some of my singing lessons, with much effort, and I think my students can tell I'm not 100% there. Still don't want to schedule a performance. I wish I can do it again, soon. 

 

Wishing you all much healing. 

[Martina23]

CDav, dont worry, you can still have plenty of children. I had children also first at 35 (unplanned). My half brother told then the whole my relatives that "I caught the last waggon of the last train passing by". I hate such comments. But what I wanted to say, let it on the nature. If it would be the right time, it would help itself.

[Cdav]

Thank you Martina, you give me a lot of hope. I really wish to heal someday and lead a normal life. I think we all will, the sad thin is it takes too long. I don't want to wait anymore. 

[Cdav]

So my Doctor wants to put me on an anticosnvulsant, TRILEPTAL. Since the last antidepressant he tried on me was a complete disaster, he ordered some brain scans, they came out normal. He says he has a similar case of a young man who develops paradoxical reactions to antidepressants, and was put recently on Depakote, and his depressions have been gone for a month. 

 

I am extremely skeptical. I am too worn out, too depressed, too scared and too foggy to try to look for another doctor, but I cannot survive this on my own. I still need to use benzo's during horrible suicidal crises. I still need to call the doctor during emergencies. 

 

He says the anticonvulsant will give my brain some "rest". 

 

I told him all of this is because of withdrawal, he acknowledges I have WD syndrome, but still thinks my hypersensitivity is due to something else. 

 

I don't think I will try another medication at this point. My parents want me to, though. They are worn out of seeing me suffer almost every single day. 

 

I am in such a mess. 

[Cdav]

It seems like these days most of the time I'm suffering, only negative physical sensations and horrible thoughts and emotions happen. But in the midst of all this suffering  I want to remember the positive things I DO have. I don't want the negative things to spread a shadow over the few but BEAUTIFUL good things I do have in my life. 

 

- I have a family that loves me so much and is supporting me in every way. My mom takes care of me like an angel. 

- I have a boyfriend who loves, even if he doesn't completely understand my condition, but he's stayed with me through all the merry-go-round of meds and personality changes and suffering.

- Some few days I can still sing and play piano and enjoy it even if it's for myself. 

- I have a dog that I absolutely love and brings joy.  

- I have a few moments in which I can enjoy looking at nature, taking a walk, watching a sunset, doing yoga. 

- I have good friends who care about me. 

 

Not everything is lost, and I have to remind myself of this. Because sometimes I believe everything good I had, is now gone. But it isn't. It's on hold. But still there are good things going on, the most important things, are there with me. 

[Purplestars22]

Cdav, I am content that you are able to shift your perspective and look at all the positive things in your life and its a lot. Writing daily in a gratitude journal where you write all the things that you are grateful for that day helps a lot. You have all the reasons to heal from wd. Wishing you well.

[Cdav]

Thank you Purplestars. 

 

We need to try to see what we do have in the middle of the suffering. 

 

I'm going to write a daily gratitude journal, like you suggests so my perspective can stay positive even if I'm still ill. 

 

 

[Cdav]

I'm having horrible cortisol mornings with horrible body sensations, akathisia is back, I think the antibiotics I used might have activated it again.

 

The good thing is depression is lifting a lot by mid afternoon, while the past two months depression was horrible almost all day long. So I'm seeing a little light at some moments of the day. I don't know if I can attribute this to starting homeopathy (As Shanti's thread suggested) a month ago. I'm sticking with it  and hope for more improvements. 

 

I don't know if depression will lift completely though, there is still the doubt of my genetical heredity for depression. 

[LoveandLight]

That's great it's lifting by afternoon xxx

[Cdav]

Yes, afternoons are getting better. 

 

But akathisia today has ben a m-ther f-cker… since early in the morning, and hasn't stopped. I don't know why it is back, I'm crying because I thought it was gone for good, and it's back and it's torture. 

 

I also have an important music gig on two weeks, It's in a beautiful place in my country called "Valle de Bravo", I'm singing and playing piano for a wedding.  It's a very good pay and all travel expenses are included. I was really doubtful of accepting the offer, but I said yes. I'm really hoping I feel at least well enough to do the job and not suffer through it. Hopefully I can enjoy it. My mom thought it was not a good idea to go, but something inside of me doesn't want to keep letting time go and opportunities pass (as I have been doing for months) and since I'm having better afternoons, I think I might be able to handle it, with MILLION TONS of effort. 

[Martina23]

I think you will feel better if you do it. I like very much piano. There is in Czech Republic a very good piano player who made a lot of albums, his name is Jiri Malasek and I listened to him a lot when I was a child. I tried once to play the piano, but I remember it very difficult to do with both hands something other.

[Cdav]

Thank you Martina. After a couple of days of a horrible depression/akathisia wave I decided to cancel the trip. I can't even play the piano right now here in my home, imagine somewhere else. I started dreading the flights and the movement and everything. It's too much for me right now. I'm recovering from stomach issues and bad reaction to antibiotics. This has been a very bad week, hadn't been able to work or eat much. 

 

So, even If I wanted to, I know I physically and mentally can't travel right now or even concentrate to play a gig. Hopefully later on. 

[Cdav]

I am sad about having to cancel so many things, not just the trip and many gigs. I'm so uncomfortable with the akathisia, do dizzy and weak, and I dread the horrible cortisol mornings. At this point I'm surviving only through the help of my mom who is 24/7 by my side. 

 

Last week wasn't that bad. I don't know what happened this week, maybe the wave got worse. 

[bluebalu86]

Hi Cdav

 

My mom is by my side and takes care of me too. I'm not sure she understands exactly what's going on, but she's helping me through this.

Sending healing thoughts your way, hope we all feel better soon

[LoveandLight]

Sorry you had to cancel the gig..yes..roll on to feeling better soon..for all of us..hugs xxx

[Cdav]

Thank you Bluebalu and L&L. 

 

I can't believe how things could get much worse. I found a new psychiatrist (haven't made my mind yet if I should change), she wants to help me genuinely because she's been asking how I'm doing every single day and I just went for one consultation. I don't know how much experience she has with WD, but she works in a conservative way to try to minimize side effects, doesn't make cocktail combinations (like my doctor does,which works for some people, like my mom and brother, but for me is extremely dangerous). 

 

I've been struggling with the severe akathisia and depression which stopped for a little while with medication the new doctor gave me (amantadine, biperiden (anticholinergic) and clonazepam). She recommended I stayed home for 4 days, "hospitalized" with no TV, no cell phone, no visits, so my brain could rest. I was very sedated, and I slept a lot, my parents were there to take care of me, and the akathisia was under control. It was a good break from the pressure of trying to be normal. 

 

But yesterday, when I tried to resume some activities I found it's still very hard and akathisia is still in my body. I thought it was gone for good, but it was the medication keeping it at bay, so I have to keep taking the medication, sometimes it doesn't take it away competely, but at least puts it in a more tolerable level, as opposed to a wanting to die level. 

 

I had a brief window of happinness and clear head and good feelings towards everything yesterday afternoon/evening (mornings are still a torture), out of nowhere, I don't know where it came from, but I really enjoyed it, it gave me a very necessary reminder of what life really is, of who I really am, and how WD keeps telling me lies that are hard not to believe. 

 

Today the window closed. 

 

I started acupuncture as well, today. Gotta keep trying and pushing through. 

 

As for my usual Dr. he has good intentions, he sent me to make a brain scan, and thinks I have some kind of mini-seizure problem, according to the neurologist, and that maybe that's why I'm treatment resistant and get paradoxical reactions. I don't think this theory is true, I never had these problems before. He wants me to go on Depakote so my brain can "rest". Still too confused and scared to now what to decide. 

[LoveandLight]

Sorry am half asleep but just wanted to say hi and I'm glad you had that window..I just wish it was longer for you!

 

What med did the doc give you? She sounds maybe good?

 

Xxx

[Cdav]

Haven't been able to catch up so much with everyone, I've been suffering still from very bad depression every day and akathisia torture that comes and goes without warning. 

 

I started having  myoclonic jerks again on my mouth, legs, back, butt. RLS, everything jumps, when lie down. knees hurt with pins and needles, I want to rip my legs off. My face looks so tired and bloated from so much crying every day.  

 

I've had some better days depression wise, little semi-windows. My family and boyfriend have helped me a lot through this. ThankfullyI haven't been aggressive anymore, just very very depressed. I miss myself. I miss being creative. I miss enjoying life. I miss being able to live without forcing myself to do everything. 

 

This withdrawal damage doesn't seem to end. My depression has gotten worse. I wish I had never stopped Pristiq, I was fine on it, until I decided to come off and the nightmare began. I always think this. There is no turning back. I've lost so much time. No more singing, no more songwriting, just surviving each day. 

 

I really hope there is hope for all of us. Why does it take so long?

[Cdav]

Doctor mentioned at some point that Electro consvulsive therapy helps treatment resistant depression and might help erase withdrawal symptoms, because it reboots the brain as if it were a computer or something. I'm really not sure if I should believe this. He still doesn't want me to have ECT because it affects memory for some months, but he has had success with treatment resistant cases. I know I'm treatment resistant because of withdrawal. But still I cannot live with this depression, I might as well try ECT what else do I have to lose? I've already lost so much. 

[WiggleIt]

Hi Cdav,

I see your thread has been bumped, which means you've logged in to visit!  I will read and catch up.  You are in my thoughts.  

[WiggleIt]

Cdav,

ECT causes memory loss and has the potential to increase psychosis.  I really am scared for you to try this.

[WiggleIt]

"I started having  myoclonic jerks again on my mouth, legs, back, butt. RLS, everything jumps, when lie down. knees hurt with pins and needles, I want to rip my legs off." - I have all of this, too.  Plus, akathisia and mental torment have started.  They are new.

[Cdav]

Wiggle, I'm so sorry you're still having all those symptoms plus the akathisia (that's the worst feeling in the world). My twitching and akathisia came back after trying a low dose of mirtazapine (supposedly to help akathisia) I tried this for a month and akathisia subsided, but then I got really aggressive and irritable and stopped it, akathisia and twitching came back ten-fold. 

 

I also had a brain scan, 3 neurologist concluded I have some kind of epilepsy thing, they want to put me on an anticonvulsant, I tried one, it gave me diarrhoea and weakness, I stopped it. I don't want to try anything anymore. I'm in such a mess, and I used to be better several months ago. 

 

This is not fair, I really hope we do heal, or at least have strength to accept and endure this. 

[Fresh]

Hi cdav ,   at the risk of being shouted down , many people have reported good effects from ECT. For some it is like a miracle.

I can send you some links to look at if you like.  

And not remembering much of this past 6 months may not be such a terrible thing. . . . 

 

xxx

[Cdav]

Thank you Fresh. I'd would really appreciate it if you send the links. 

 

I've also heard it can be a miracle for many people, but movies have shown it as something terrifying and dangerous. Yes, it would be nice to forget many things from this past year  

[Cdav]

Akathisia torture has been horrible this week. It makes me want to jump off a building or something just so I don't fee this anymore. Horrible crises of pacing and jumping and crying hysterically. I took an anticholinergic with prolonged release, and I could not tolerate it, so I'm taking Lyrica and more clonazepam now, really scared of taking more drugs to minimize the damage of other drugs, but I have no option, I would probably die if I couldn't get the little relief that clonazepam and Lyrica give me.  

 

My jaw is trembling, my body is always restless. I'm so tired. Pins and needs on my brain, it feels butchered inside. 

 

Trying really hard to survive this horrible wave. Really considering ECT, as I read it can help tardive akathisia, tardive dyskenisia as well as depression. Like I said before, I've already lost so much, the suffering is so intense that this ECT though it seems scary, a part of me wants to try it. 

[Altostrata]

Fresh, the studies regarding efficacy of ECT have to do with treating "depression," not withdrawal syndrome. The two are entirely different.

 

We have no reports of ECT being helpful for withdrawal syndrome, but many reports of injury. It sounds like Cdav's doctor was suggesting something because he's out of ideas.

 

Cdav, do you have any lamotrigine left? Did you try it at a very low dosage after quitting in January?

[Cdav]

I still have Lamotrigine, but I didn't try it again out of fear. I've told my doctor about the low dose and how it might help but he does not believe me that such a small dose would be helpful. I'm afraid to try it on my own. 

 

Right now Lyrica is helping a little bit with many of the symptoms, as soon as the effect wears off I start suffering again. From what I understand the micro-dose of lamictal might aid in healing. I know Lyrica is not healing me, just masking the symptoms and giving me much needed relief right now. 

 

I'm seeing a neurologist now, because like you said, my doctor ran out of ideas and sent me to a neurologist he works with sometimes. I think the  neurologist is more clueless. Maybe he'll be more open to the idea of the micro-dose Lamictal. I'll show him the information here. 

[Altostrata]

It seems to me that if a low dose of lamotrigine helped before, it may help again. I would be cautious and sample a very low dose first, though.

 

It sounds like your doctor guessed right once, and since then has been floundering. Too bad.

[Cdav]

I know!   He still has the idea that giving "sub-therapeutic" doses won't do anything to help. 

 

I might try it, again on an extremely low dose.