Cdav: How to deal with depression and interrupted personal/career plans

[Altostrata]

"Sub-therapeutic" is a term with no meaning. if it works, it works.

[Cdav]

I'm taking 75 mg of lyrica plus 0.5 clonazepam one or twice a day or sometimes more when akathisia gets really unbearable. 

 

Since Lyrica is an anti-convulsant, I wonder if a small dose of Lamictal would interact negatively with Lyrica? 

[Cdav]

PMS never fails to throw me back and erase whatever emotional, cognitive and physical progress I thought I was making. 

 

Whenever I get PMS brain zaps come back, twitches come back or increase, depression worsens sometimes causing suicidal thoughts and desperation, relationships suffer, every symptom gets much much worse. I hate it. By now I just try to push through and wait it out, but I can't believe that on top of having WD symptoms all month long, PMS comes along and causes more suffering and disability. 

[Cdav]

In a very bad wave after using Benadryl for 4 days for akathisia (only thing that eliminates it completely) but started to cause irritability, more depression, more twitching, etc… still suffering the consequences. Also tried to stop the 1 mg of citalopram for I've been taking, but reinstated today (missed two days). I'm a mess right now. Akathisia is back really bad, headaches, mental confusion, neuro-emotions all over the place, rage (hadn't had this for about three months), just seeing everything really negatively and scary. 

 

I started using the Sota Biotuner 3 days ago (about 2 days after my wave started) haven't had any relief. Suffering a lot right now. Really disheartened to see the little improvements in my mood and energy disappear. Automatic self-harm thoughts, losing my self-esteem, can't be in my body and mind anymore. Hanging in there for my loved ones. 

[bluebalu86]

I'm sorry honey that things are so bad right now. You made quite a lot of changes. Things should settle for you once your nervous system readjusts. Hang in there, I know it's torture but what other choice do we have? Praying for relief for you and better days soon

[Cdav]

Thank you Bluebalu, you're so sweet. 

 

Praying for you too and all of us here still suffering. 

[Cdav]

Not sure if the sota Biotuner is helping yet. Been using it for a week. Only had like a 4 hour window yesterday evening, which was like heaven and as usual I think during that window that I'm healed only to start feeling my symptoms come back. 

 

I don't know how I've been surviving akathisia and the dysphoria that comes with it. I truly don't know. I just hang on for the people I love, otherwise I would have probably died by now. 

 

Me and my BF want to get married, he has been with me before and during all this WD and polydrugging hell (4 years together). It breaks my heart that I'm in such bad shape I couldn't even move out of my parents' house right now to go live with him. I dream of the day when I'm independent and happy again, but time passes by quickly and I'm still suffering. I want to have a small wedding but I want to be able to travel for my honeymoon. That is not possible right now. He keeps telling me to get married anyway in a very very small ceremony, but I don't want to remember my wedding day as a day of WD symptoms and suffering, I want to remember it as a happy day, I want it to be a good memory. I want to have children soon, I'll be 33 this month, time is running, I feel in a rush to heal, but I know it's beyond my control. Struggling with acceptance, feeling frustrated and bitter on top of the physical symptoms and WD depression. 

 

What does make me happy is to feel very loved by him in spite of my condition and negative neuro-emotions that sometimes go against him (I've learned to manage this better now). 

[LoveandLight]

CDAV

 

I know it's not much consolation when your suffering so much of the time. But, I did not realise you were having windows! This is great! I hope it extends more and more for you..there is hope there in these windows..you can glimpse how you'll be when your healed xx

[bluebalu86]

It's great that you had a window honey.

 

I have a somewhat similar situation, even though it's not exactly the same as yours. I met someone here on this site and fell in love with him. He's from another country though. I want to meet him in person, but I feel too sick to be able to do it. I want to be healthy and happy when we meet, and I'm a mess right now and seem to be getting worse. It's tough. Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful and supportive guy, I hope you figure out together what the best thing to do would be. 

[Cdav]

Thank you L&L. Yes, I think I have windows thanks to my boyfriend who has become more and more supportive as time has gone by, and that is helping me heal.  

[Cdav]

Bluebalu, thank you for your words. 

 

I'm so happy you fell in love, that feeling will help you feel a little bit stronger and maybe heal a little bit faster, in my opinion. Hopefully you'll be well enough soon so you can meet him I wish the best for you two. 

 

It is tough, but as long as they are genuinely supportive and loving guys, it's a blessing. 

 

 

[bluebalu86]

Cdav, regarding depression, I have this book and I think it's pretty good - "The Mindful Way Through Depression" by a couple of authors including the expert on mindfulness Jon Kabat-Zinn. Take a look at it if you have a chance, I think it could help you at least a little. 

[Cdav]

Thank you bluebalu! I'll check it out. It's hard to be crying every single day, and sometimes a long part of the day. Everything we can do to help ourselves is welcome. 

 

 

[bluebalu86]

I feel like crying all the time, but sometimes I can't. Emotional numbing I guess. And even if I do cry, I don't feel any relief. It's tough, I feel your pain honey.

[LoveandLight]

That's great your finding your boyfriends support helpful xxx

[Cdav]

Yesterday I was able to finally upload my EP album to different online sites, Spotify, itunes, soundcloud, etc. 

 

This was huge for me. In a normal setting, it wouldn't be difficult at all. But this time it was like climbing Mt. Everest. It was so much mental and emotional effort. I know I won't be playing gigs yet, because that would be too demanding for me, but at least the music is out there. Still have to do more things to promote it and I don't feel the strength and focus right now to do it. I was left exhausted yesterday after putting the music out there. 

 

It's a baby step, but I'm glad I could force myself to do it. 

[bluebalu86]

That's a great accomplishment dear. I'm happy you managed to do it.

[Cdav]

Thank you Blue  

[LoveandLight]

Yay well done xxx

[bluebalu86]

How are you doing Cdav? Any luck with the Bio Tuner? I don't have much luck with my CES.

[Tootsieroll]

Hi Cdav-Your story has certainly yanked at my heartstrings.  I was just browsing as I haven't been around as of late.  My symptoms have been improving but also because I frequent a benzo withdrawal forum, since that is my latest adventure.  I notice in your signature that you are still on benzos and although I don't want to alarm you, benzos seem to be the most addictive and hardest drug to withdraw from.  I got addicted in just 2 months and the withdrawals from it were the pit of hell compared to my SSRI withdrawal.  Have you read the story about singer Stevie Nicks?  Once again, I'm not mentioning this to scare you, I just wanted to share another reason you may be suffering so intensely.  I wish you nothing but smooth healing and I hope and KNOW you will find the light.

[Cdav]

Hi bluebalu, didn't have any luck with CES either Tried it for almost 4 weeks. I have had some little windows, but also horrible waves, so I don't now. I think I'm still having the same problems as before CES. I had high hopes for it, but well, time and patience and strength will be what ultimately help us heal. 

[Cdav]

Tootiseroll, thank you for reading my thread and your kind words. 

 

Yes, I still need clonazepam for my severe akathisia, otherwise I think I wouldn't be around here in the world anymore, I know it sounds dramatic, but that's how severe the akathisia has been. I feel lost because I know I am now addicted to the benzos but I still get brain zaps if I don't take 1 mg of citalopram, so I still need to heal from the SRRI WD. Right now clonazepam is a life saver for me, even if it's a double edged sword.  I try not to think about the horrible WD from it later on, I've read Dr. Shipko gives benzos for the tardive akathisia. For me, there's no other way of surviving this. I have read Stevie Nicks story with the benzos, it was great she could remain creative during her WD. 

 

Thank you for the good wishes. I also hope you keep healing. 

[Tootsieroll]

Tootiseroll, thank you for reading my thread and your kind words. 

 

Yes, I still need clonazepam for my severe akathisia, otherwise I think I wouldn't be around here in the world anymore, I know it sounds dramatic, but that's how severe the akathisia has been. I feel lost because I know I am now addicted to the benzos but I still get brain zaps if I don't take 1 mg of citalopram, so I still need to heal from the SRRI WD. Right now clonazepam is a life saver for me, even if it's a double edged sword.  I try not to think about the horrible WD from it later on, I've read Dr. Shipko gives benzos for the tardive akathisia. For me, there's no other way of surviving this. I have read Stevie Nicks story with the benzos, it was great she could remain creative during her WD. 

 

Thank you for the good wishes. I also hope you keep healing. 

You seem to have done your research so you are certainly very aware and that is always a good thing.  I know what you mean about double edged sword, you lose some you win some.  I don't know what the policy is here in regards to posting about supplements but look into a herb called Kanna.  I use it when I am experiencing a wave and it seems to have helped some when they were tapering benzos too.  Just make sure you only take it after you are completely off SSRIs or serotonin manipulating meds and use it in its place.  I know it works for me because I can tell my OCD is no longer prominent. 

 

I think you are so very brave and you have had a lot thrown at you and through it all you hang on like a champ!  Keep perservering and know that time never stands still and you are always healing even though it doesn't feel like it some days.

[Cdav]

Thank you Tootsie Roll, I'm going to try that herb once I'm completely off the SSRI. 

 

Your words are very encouraging. I've not always behaved like a champ while on this journey but we have to keep fighting and hanging on. 

 

 

[Cdav]

A little update, 

 

As some may have seen I had ECT starting last July 24. Here's the link to that: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/9808-ect-for-withdrawal-symptoms/) 

 

I had 10 sessions in total. It worked like a miracle for my withdrawal symptoms. My main goal was to make akathisia disappear because I had already made some research and had found  information regarding ECT as a way to eliminate tardive akathisia. To my surprise not only did the akathisia disappear, but also brain zaps ( which never went away unless I took a micro-dose of a ssri) and many other withdrawal symptoms I used to have like pins and needles sensations, burning sensations, muscle twitching…all of that went away. Also the deep depression I had been struggling with for a long time lifted and I have never felt so good in years emotionally and psychologically-wise.

 

I did experience the typical side effect of short-term memory loss. Some of the weeks I had the therapy are completely gone from my memory, and I only have some little flashbacks of certain specific moments. I find it funny that I had my birthday on July 27 and I don't remember anything about it except for pictures that were taken when my family and boyfriend took me for a birthday lunch. However, I kept a diary and wrote on it every single day at the end of the day, because things were forgotten by the next day. 

 

I finished my treatments last Wednesday August 12. 

 

As a plus, things that used to bother me or make me feel offended, sad or jealous, don't anymore. I don't know if it's part of the memory loss or part of depression being gone (or both). As a result my relationship with my boyfriend right now is great after many ups and downs due to my withdrawal depression and very bad PMS that came with withdrawal. I will see how this continues. 

 

I'm still keeping the diary to remember every day, but I have found out that my memory has improved a lot and every day I remember more and more about the day before. I could say my memory right now is about 65% recovered. According to my doctor this is rare, because most patients don't remember many things that I do remember like the anaesthesiologist and medical staff during the treatments, conversations we had minutes before falling asleep, and many other things. He also says patients usually recover their memory completely one month after finishing the treatments. It's been a week and like I said I feel I'm 65 % recovered in that sense. 

 

A problem I have been experiencing I think since about 3 days ago is trouble sleeping. It takes a long time for me to fall asleep and then I wake up much earlier than I would want to. So, I think one of the side effects of the therapy is it might have left me a little over-stimulated. Once I wake up I don't feel tired at all, I feel a lot of energy and happiness. However by around 4 p.m. I start feeling extremely tired because of the lack of sleep. Today I'm going to see my doctor and try to figure out why this is happening, if it's over-stimulation from the therapy, if it's related to a nightmare I had regarding two occassions I got scared with a strange effect I had with the anaesthesia (not making me fall asleep completely for some seconds), or what else it can be. 

 

The doctor is not giving me any meds right now, he doesn't even want to give me supplements or vitamins. But I want to maybe try some magnesium to see if it can help me sleep more. I didn't use to tolerate it, so I would have to be careful. I only want to try natural things from now on. 

 

I'll keep you posted on how things progress, but to conclude right now, ECT has been a miracle for me, even if it wasn't an easy thing to do, even with the memory loss, and even with this new thing of not being able to sleep as much as I would want to. 

[bluebalu86]

I'm very happy for you Cdav. I hope you keep your huge progress and continue to see improvements. I'm so glad the ECT worked well for you, with few and tolerable side effects.

[Skyler]

I'm very happy for you Cdav. I hope you keep your huge progress and continue to see improvements. I'm so glad the ECT worked well for you, with few and tolerable side effects.

 

Blue, I would not consider the type of memory loss Cdav describes to be 'few and tolerable'.  While I'm very glad to read Cdav has had some improvements, ECT is a VERY invasive treatment to be considered VERY carefully and only undertaken in the most grave circumstances.  Also, the jury is still out on how long the positive effects of this treatment will last.  Please reread Alto's response in the ECT thread.

 

Cdav.. thank-you for your most thoughtful and comprehensive update.  Your description is very clear and measured... I hope your improvement continues and will look forward to further updates.

[Altostrata]

Cdav, please let us know how you're doing.

[Cdav]

Yes Alto, I'll let you know. I'm going to wait some time to see how things keep up and then post about it. 

 

Thank you so much bluebalu86, you're such a sweetheart.  

 

Skyler, I did find the side effects quite few and tolerable compared to my protracted withdrawal symptoms, those were not tolerable AT ALL, especially the akathisia, and the plus I had in the lift of my mood and perspective of life also makes it much more tolerable. That's the way I see it. I know it's not an easy procedure to go through, but the level of my suffering with withdrawal was beyond imaginable. Thank you for your good wishes. 

[Cdav]

I wanted to give a little update. 

 

I'm going to have my period in about 3 days. Before ECT I would start feeling extremely irritable, suicidally depressed, dysphoric, hysterical, and wouldn't stop crying, screaming and fighting with my boyfriend because of horrible PMS about 10 days before my period. Today I noticed feeling a little sensitive, not depressed, just a little tearful. Memories from all my protracted withdrawal suffering came back. I cried both happy tears because all of that is over now and also sad tears from all the time lost and problems it caused in so many areas of my life. So I guess this is both PMS and that I've always been a highly sensitive person, so it is a normal and good thing.  

[LoveandLight]

[Cdav]

I just posted on the ECT thread an update on how I'm doing. 

 

Quick summary: 

 

It turns out the ECT gave me euphoria and I wasn't aware of it. That's why I was feeling over-stimulated and sleeping about 4, 5 hours every night and had interrupted sleep, was being very talkative and feeling on top of the world and uninhibited. All of that is improving, now I'm sleeping about 6, 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night, and am able to take little naps. Still feel very tired at some points during the day on the days I don't sleep too much. Gradually improving.  I am hoping to be able to sleep my usual 8 to 9 hours (or sometimes more on the weekends) and feel less hyper.   

 

All withdrawal symptoms are still gone and I feel very thankful for that. 

[Cdav]

Hello, updating, not such good news. 

 

Turns out, I was not PMSing when I thought I was. ECT affects hormones in women and it's been about 50 days without having my period, lots of hormonal imbalance symptoms besides that, tender breasts, facial hair growing faster (even though I'm not hairy). 

 

It's been 2 days since I have become very depressed again, especially today, crying constantly. Unable to work. I also started having muscle twitches on my legs again 2 days ago. I don't know if this is related to the hormones, the ECT, still withdrawal, or what. I'm afraid to try any medication or even natural supplement right now. 

 

I feel disappointed after feeling so good for a few weeks, being so active and making so many plans. I don't know what I'm going to do with this depression, it's the same as the depression I had on the bad days of withdrawal.  On the good side, I don't have akathisia or brain zaps. 

[LoveandLight]

Maybe it's just a little wave and it will be over soon, I hope xxx

[Cdav]

Thank you L&L. I really hope so. My family and bf tell me they have seen me so much better, but right now I don't know what is going to happen.