Cdav: How to deal with depression and interrupted personal/career plans

[Fresh]

Thankyou for the update Cdav , even if it's not the best news.   Hope it passes for you soon.

 

[Cdav]

Thank you Fresh. 

 

It was real PMS this time, so this made depression worse. My period has passed, but I still feel very depressed and anxious in the mornings, and feel better towards the afternoons and most days feel normal at night. 

 

My legs are still twitching a little bit , but not as much as during PMS. 

 

I don't know what I'm going to do with these horrible emotional symptoms, it's really difficult to keep pushing through them. I know I improved so much with ECT but I didn't expect for depression to return. I thought I would just be highly sensitive and cry easily like I did before taking antidepressants, but this level of depression happened only after WD. It's confusing because members of my family and extended family have had major depression and do well on  meds, no WD problems like me. 

 

I think this might be Tardive Dysphoria. The only thing I can do right now is try to push through in the mornings, even if it hurts SO much. I try to go for a walk, I try to pretend I am feeling fine, and sometimes that helps.  Sometimes, it doesn't. 

 

Many people have told me that I look better, that my facial expressions and energy seem better than before, that I look more radiant. My family tells me this too. I notice I get along much better with my BF, and before I used to fight a lot and be very jealous. Now I feel much more connected to him and don't get upset with little irrational things. I don't know if it's the memory thing after ECT, and I feel like I am as depressed as before ECT. I am really not sure. I just know and feel there is still more healing to happen. 

[bluebalu86]

Does Tardive Dysphoria go away at some point, or does it last forever? I just read TD happens after prolonged exposure to antidepressants. ADs cause depression. 

[Skylarblue75]

I was wondering the same thing too blue. Does it ever go away?

[Cdav]

I don't know. I hope it goes away. I don't even know if I have tardive dysphoria. If we do, I really hope it goes away! 

[LoveandLight]

I don't even know if this tardive dysphoria is a real thing or it's just still withdrawal..

[Martina23]

Cdav, I wanted to know how are you. So I read your last update. I find it great that you are without drugs now. I would be afraid to do ECT. But to be honest, I am freaking out now always when I should go to the doctor. After I went off the drugs, I had to go to the ear doctor as I got inflammation of the middle ear while going swimming. It pained awfully. When he told that he would give me either corticoids or antiobiotika, I refused to be treated. The same was with my teeth, my teeth started to pain, I was so afraid of the injection by the doctor that I did not go. Luckily, I started to drink a lot of natural orange juice, has a lot of vitamin C. And as a miracle, the teeth pain dissappeared. I read then that vitamin C is the most potent natural antibiotikum and that some doctors treated with it quite heavy illnessess with success, the present doctors  however dont recognize it because it cant be patented. So everyone uses antibiotika ... And we are again by Big Pharma...

[Cdav]

Hi Martina, I'm glad you got better with Orange Juice.  

 

Right now I'm also afraid of injections and doctors, I need to go to the dentist, but I'm scared to go, I'm afraid lying on the chair will remind of how scary ECT was for me. I think as the days go by I'm less scared and just thankful for the benefits. 

[Cdav]

I am feeling happier since yesterday. I hope things continue to improve. It's been several days without leg twitching. 

 

I started taking Lecithin and Fish Oil by recommendation of my doctor. I am also walking and doing some yoga almost every day. Some of the activities I do are very difficult at the beginning of the day, but later on everything becomes easier. I'm still waiting for the day when I don't even have to think if things are difficult to do or not, just be able to do them naturally. 

 

I also started singing again since yesterday at a restaurant. I'm supposed to be there every Wednesday. I'm a little nervous of how I will continue to feel, but I think doing these things even if it's hard right now, will help me get unstuck from so many months of not being able to do so many things that are part of my identity. I didn't want to go when they called me to go to sing, but my boyfriend motivated me and told me it would help me feel better, he was right. 

[bluebalu86]

So glad to hear that Cdav! 

[LoveandLight]

Well done CDAV xxx

[Cdav]

Thank you Blu and L&L  

[AliG]

 Hi Cdav,

 

 You sound pretty good. Keep it up.

 

I refuse to believe all this , on  " Tardive Dysphoria".   It's like " Clinical. Depression".  If it doesn't exist, then we can't have it  !!  LOL.  

[Cdav]

Hahaha! You're right AliG! 

 

Let's not believe in tardive dysphoria, it just adds to the paranoia. 

[LoveandLight]

Yes, if it doesn't exist, we cannot have it lol! xx

[Cdav]

Things keep changing inside my brain in a matter of seconds, there is no warning beforehand. 

 

Yesterday I was quite cheerful in the morning, and by 2 p.m. I suddenly started having intrusive and negative thoughts, head felt numb, felt a lot of anxiety and I started crying. I went for a run, it didn't help. I started to feel strange, my perception of my surroundings felt weird and my sense of smell suddenly changed, things are smelling different today too. I don't know what this is.

 

This strange sense of smell thing is new and also the feeling that everything is unfamiliar and weird. People, places, everything looks strange, it is very unsettling. I wonder if it's the ECT or maybe withdrawal from everything I was taking to make akathisia go away, including benzos. 

 

I'm seeing my Dr. on Wednesday and I'm going to ask him. I feel like I need to take something for the depression and anxiety that I still feel, but he says I shouldn't even take anything natural, not even St. John's Worth or Rhodiola. Anything that acts as a serotonin reuptake inhibitor is not good for me now, according to him. 

[Altostrata]

Cdav, it's very brave for you to tell us about your experiences, thank you for that.

 

You need to let your nervous system settle down. Please consider non-drug and non-invasive ways to deal with depression.

[Cdav]

Thank you, Alto. 

 

Yes, as much as I feel the suffering should've stopped by now, I don't want to ruin the progress I've made by adding more drugs. 

 

Today has been a good day so far, just some leg twitching again while lying down. But that's all, thankfully

[alex]

I'm seeing my Dr. on Wednesday and I'm going to ask him. I feel like I need to take something for the depression and anxiety that I still feel, but he says I shouldn't even take anything natural, not even St. John's Worth or Rhodiola. Anything that acts as a serotonin reuptake inhibitor is not good for me now, according to him. 

 

He is absolutely right.

[Cdav]

Yes, he is Alex. 

 

Thank God I've had much more good days than bad ones. I'm finally catching up with everything I had interrupted. 

[Cdav]

My appetite has increased a lot and I'm gaining weight that I needed. It's nice to enjoy food again

 

A little bit of a problem now is some days I get so excited because I feel better and can finally catch up with many things I couldn't in the last year and a half… friends, exercise, creativity, work, hobbies, etc… I go to bed very late and then I feel exhausted LOL... I might have to slow down a bit. 

[Cdav]

PMS is ruining my life. I don't think this is WD anymore, just bad PMS. The days I was PMS free were very very good days. But right now, I'm having suicidal thoughts, fighting with BF, feel like I lost all my self-confidence.

 

I just want my period to come so I can feel better. 

[nz11]

Hi Cdav,

i have recently discovered your thread and read it with interest are you able to give an update.

[Cdav]

Thank you nz11

 

I just updated on another thread (

 

but I'll paste my update here too:

 

Hi everyone, 

 

I want to give an update on how I've been doing. I read some people are concerned that my decision to have ECT might lead others in despair to also take it and that this might be risky. Yes it is risky, I'm not sure if it causes brain damage. I don't feel any brain damage from it, really. On the contrary, I've been doing much better than last year.  I've been able to return to my life in the past months. I'm reading books again, singing again, writing songs, teaching piano and singing lessons and returned to social events. I'm promoting my first EP album, playing gigs, feeling very creative again. 

 

People ask me what happened to me because they hadn't seen me at parties or reunions for a very long time. I don't give them too much detail, I just tell them I had a neurological condition and that I'm better now. I do tell other people whom I think might better understand me, about everything that happened with meds, WD, akathisia hell, brain zaps, ETC, etc…  

 

I've had some mini waves that last a day or two. during these mini-waves I experience RLS on my right leg and some muscle twitching on different parts of my body. But nothing compared to the restlessness and torture that was akathisia and other symptoms I used to have. 

 

I've been able to travel, which is something I love to do and had to stop during WD. For me it is great progress to travel again and be able to enjoy myself. 

 

I gained weight that I needed, because I have my appetite back and I can enjoy food again. 

 

HOWEVER, MY NERVOUS SYSTEM IS STILL VERY SENSITIVE and depression seems to come back very badly during PMS. I tried Rhodiola for this, but could not tolerate it, it gave me symptoms of akathisia. I got really scared by this, but thankfully once I stopped the Rhodiola, the akathisia went away. I also tried drinking alcohol again (which I hadn't done in a long time) and with only a glass of wine I felt horrible. Will not do that again. 

 

So, in no way is ECT a complete cure for protracted WD, but in my case it did help a lot in my recovery. I still have healing to do, I don't know if my nervous system will be able to be less sensitive with time. And I still have to survive PMDD (Premenstural dysphoric syndrome) every month, and that is not easy at all.

 

In no way I want to persuade anyone to have ECT. It is indeed a very hard thing to do, it might also be emotionally traumatic to go through it. For me it was not a decision taken lightly. But whoever has experienced severe akathisia knows they would do anything to make it stop. 

[Cdav]

It's been a while since I post in here. Many things have happened in my life. I was doing relatively well, except depression every fully went away and became very severe. I also have continued to have episodes of muscle twitching in random parts of my body. 

 

Well, in March I was convinced by my Dr. and my family to start a low dose antidepressant again. This time, a tryciclic AD, 20 mg Nortryptiline. It helped a lot with my depression, no bad side effects, no akathisia. A month later I found out I was pregnant and that made me and my boyfriend really really happy. I continued to feel good but decided not to stop the med. I got married in May and was able to enjoy my wedding (something I had been postponing for years since WD started) and now I'm 5 months pregnant with a baby boy. 

 

I was surprised at how well I was doing emotionally and physically since the start of my pregnancy (except for bad all day nausea which stopped after the 1st trimester). However, two months ago, akathisia and RLS started agin. First it started only as RLS, slowly it became full blown horrible akathisia. I've been struggling a lot since then. Thankfully I do not feel severely depressed like I usually do. I am not sure what is causing the akathisia to come back, it is very distressing after almost a year of being free from that torture. Dr. and I think it's hormones affecting my already sensitive receptors and/or hormones affecting the way I'm metabolizing the AD I'm taking right now. It's not very clear. 

 

I started tapering Nortryptiline two days ago to see if that is causing the akathisia, but I'm afraid of going through WD again and cause more harm. 

 

This return of akathisia  has been very disheartening since I thought I was doing much better than last year, and although I am, the suffering is very unbearable right now. I really wanted to enjoy my whole pregnancy, but now I'm just waiting for the baby to be born with the hopes that akathisia will diminish or go away again. Everything looks normal in the ultrasounds, baby looks healthy, active and comfortable at the same time, so I'm just happy he's doing well, which is what's most important to me. I just hope I get to recover from this wave so I can be a good mom to him when he is born. He's due in December. 

[Martina23]

That is great Cdav that you are pregnant. I think now you will enjoy life more than before. Do you have already a name for him? My son is Benjamin, and if I would have the second one some day I like also Oscar. I hope that this nortryptilin would not make you any complications in the pregnancy.

[Purplestars22]

Hello Cdav, congratulations on your pregnancy, what a wonderful blessing. Sorry to hear about the horrible akathisia hopefully its just a bad wave. Wish you well on the remaining of your pregnancy. Take care and nurture yourself. Ps22

[Cdav]

Thank you Martina,

We do have a name, his name is Bernardo I like Benjamin and Oscar I do feel much more fulfilled and happy than before even with these horrible symptoms. I used to have all the horrible symptoms plus a lot of regret of not being able to get married to my bf and start a family due to my health. Now, healthy or not, I am newly wed, happy and starting a family, so I don't feel so stuck as I used to do. I just hope I was completely healthy. Nortryptiline is supposed to not cause complications for baby and I'm on a very low dose, still I do not believe it is 100% harmless for baby, so that's why I want to stop it, but I also don't want to risk prolongating my WD syndrome, which could be bad for the baby too. So, I'm doing it slowly. 

 

Purplestar, 

Thank you, yes it is a beautiful blessing. Hanging in there with the horrible akathisia, thank you for the good wishes. 

[Altostrata]

Congratulations, Cdav.

 

Are you still taking fish oil and magnesium? A pregnancy can deplete nutrients. Taking more of both might help. See
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/
 

[Cdav]

Thank you Alto, 

 

I haven't been taking fish oil or Magnesium, they gave me side effects back when I tried them, but that was a long time ago. I might start with a low dose magnesium see if it helps, and then maybe try a little fish oil. 

[SkyBlue]

cdav, I just read through your thread. You have been through such a lot! How are you doing these

days; can you give an update? Hope you are well. (Espero que estés bien.) <3

[Cdav]

Hello SkyBlue, thank you for reading my thread and asking how I am. 

 

I am still struggling right now, not as much as last year, but since the pregnancy, my akathisia won't go away and I am just taking this one day at a time. I also recently came off Notrtyptiline since my Dr. thought it might have been aggravating akathisia, so now I have a little bit of withdrawal symptoms from that too, but they are diminishing quickly. 

 

I'm in another support group for akathisia sufferers and some people have told me that their akathisia became worse during pregnancy and got better after delivery of their baby. So, I'm really looking forward to December when my sweet baby comes, I want to meet him and hold him and be able to take care of him and hopefully have less or no akathisia.

 

I have come to accept that it might take me some more years to completely recover from what meds did to me, but I am thankful I am much better than I once was, even if I still have days of suffering and still can't function completely as I would like to. Taking it one day at a time. 

[Martina23]

CDav, you sounds so much more positive. Good luck in december. My children were also born in december. And enjoy the time till the child is born even with akathisia becouse later for a few years you will have so less time for yourself that you would wish this time came back.

[SkyBlue]

Hello SkyBlue, thank you for reading my thread and asking how I am. 

 

I am still struggling right now, not as much as last year, but since the pregnancy, my akathisia won't go away and I am just taking this one day at a time. 

 

 

I have come to accept that it might take me some more years to completely recover from what meds did to me, but I am thankful I am much better than I once was, even if I still have days of suffering and still can't function completely as I would like to. Taking it one day at a time. 

 

 

Hi cdav, Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. 

 

One day at a time is a good way to go. 

 

Keep letting us know how you're doing.  

[Cdav]

A little update,

 

I got off completely from nortyptiline, because I didn't want to expose my baby to the med anymore. I did suffer from brain zaps but they seem to be disappearing now, they come back when I feel tired. 

 

However I still need to take about 0.5 Klonopin to help ease akathisia which I still get very very intensely some days with a few semi-windows here and there. There's never a day without some sort of symptom from Protracted Withdrawal, but they are milder compared to other years and besides I think they are accentuated by my pregnancy hormones. 

 

Another thing that has helped a lot is TMS (Transmagnetic Stimulation therapy), back in 2015 I received it for depression but it didn't help, I was too severely ill from withdrawal and adverse reactions. This time around it is helping me keep a better mood. 

 

On top of the akathisia I also have RLS at night which is supposedly normal during pregnancy, so I just keep hanging in there. 

 

I recently started cutting out gluten to see if it helps a little bit with neurologic symptoms, I want to try to go paleo but only after I have delivered my baby. 

 

I'm happy and excited even with the suffering episodes of akathisia, because my due date is closer and closer. So, it's like living between two realities, the one related to my PAWS that is still very very hard and sometimes it defeats me and makes me feel hopeless, and the one that reminds me that other parts of my body are completely healthy and have let me grow this baby inside of me without problems for him so far, thank God. 

[WiggleIt]

Cdav,

I have wondered about you often over the years.  I hope you are well.