☼ Ten0275: I'm Dave and I'm almost there

[sunflower]

Dear Dave,

 

Thank you!

 

Sunflower

[lolly]

Hi remeron mate ten hows it going? Are you still holding.. If so how are you finding it? I'm still holding till I feel the time is right. Think I'm doing okay apart from my work hours changing temporarily, meaning I have to do more hours and get less sleep, feeling a tiny bit revved today and I have a new symptom of feeling irritable but this is nothing compared to the s%*t I've had in the past and hoping a lot of it has to do with the lack of sleep and work... Anyway enough about me hope all is going well for you look after yourself

 

Lolly

[ten0275]

Lolly, hey.

 

Thank you so much for stopping by, for taking the time. It seems like you and I are synchronized in our current progression - that is to say, holding. I am doing the same. I promised myself after the most recent cut that I was really going to hold it until I felt totally ready to make the next cut. I feel solid, but I'm giving it a bit more time. There is no rush. When I stabilize, I feel pretty much ok. But I do want off of the Mirt altogether, so will of course cut again in due time.

 

I feel for you in terms of your cycling work schedule. That kind of flip-flop reverberates thorough sleep and everything else. I am glad you're doing well, despite the irritability. At least you know what it is. I'll be sure not to jump the queue at the market or cut you off in traffic

 

So yes, I'm holding and doing all right.

 

Thanks again for your words, it means a lot.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

[dalsaan]

I wish our tapering holidays came with a pool

[lolly]

Haha yeah I wouldn't cross me atm! I haven't had any sort of anger since being on mirtazapine so it's kind of nice to have some normality back as this is how I always was before from lack of sleep.

So glad you are okay and still holding from what I've read on here long holds are the key at low doses so we are doing the best thing! Thanks for the reply and hope you enjoy your tapering holiday!

[Altostrata]

Very happy to hear you're doing well. I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

☼

to the title of your Intro topic.

[Athena]

Oh good you got your nice sun!!

 

Good idea Alto!!

[ten0275]

Athena, hello.

 

Yes, I got my nice sun! And thanks for that, Alto. I laughed when I saw it affixed there next to my name and I think it is a great idea. Of course I had all manner of "sun" songs running through my head the rest of the day. I found myself singing the Beatles' "Here Comes the Sun," Bob Marley's "Sun Is Shining," and Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine" before I realized that I was now wearing my new Alto-affixed sunshine out into the broader world. Not a bad thing!

 

I am completely stable on 1.9mg, but I will still hold a while longer. I like this stabilized space. It's light. I want off the mirtazapine badly, but I am going to take some time before returning to the chopping block. Not too terribly long, but a bit. Dalsaan called it a "tapering holiday." I like that term!

 

It was three years ago this month that things really started getting bad for me. I was, at this point in 2012, beginning to have these atrocious stomach cramps and began losing tons of weight - quickly. My anxiety and depression were hitting levels I could scarcely believe, and the doctors' answers were to begin jacking the dosages on everything. They told me my "condition was getting worse." "Holy mackeral, the boy is going insane!" At the same time however, I was beginning to self-educate and so as the doctors were chanting "more, more, more," I was starting to "ignore, ignore, ignore." It would get much, much worse before it would get even slightly better. I had no idea the tsunami that was about to rake me flat. I was ignorant of the arduousness of the path that would bring me to where I sit now.

 

This time of year brings a slight twinge of anxiety. No, let me be honest - it brings a huge heaping mass of anxiety. It is probably not dissimilar to PTSD. It is the memory of me sliding into the blackest time of my 40 years on this spinning mudball. I am so thankful for how I have healed. I would have scarcely believed three years ago that I would have been ever able to come out from hiding under the bed, ever be free from intrusive thoughts, dizziness, eye sensitivity, tinnitus, fatigue, morning terror, evening terror, insomnia, etc, etc. Yet this morning, I awoke after rock-like sleep - pre-dawn - had a cup of coffee while listening to music, set out for the gym, hit the weights, and was at my work desk at 6 a.m. ready to take on the day.

 

Still, there are emotions I need to deal with. I am absolutely traumatized by what I went through. I've buried a great deal. I've compartmentalized my pain. Sometimes I touch it, but I still run. I have some very undiluted anger towards my own doctor, and the medical community at large, for the disservice they did me - the agony they caused. And the fact that it continues to occur. I take complete ownership for my complacency in utilizing their pharmaceuticals, but their ignorance is staggering. The medical community needs a new toolbox. Because their current tools are barbaric and harmful.

 

Three years ago this month, I lost control of myself. I know that ultimately, "control" is a very loose asset in this world where uncertainty prevails, but still we do have the sense we have at least some control. I started to watch my control slip off like a train of unknown destination taking the love of one's life away. And it went fast. And it went thoroughly. No...Control... And a long, dark, night came in like a smothering cloak. 8 months of sheer terror. Hospitalizations. I know you all know. The damage.

 

But...

 

The sun. That's where this post started - the sun affixed to the front of my name now, and some others on here - the sun began to illuminate again. It was slow. There were setbacks. It sometimes put light on the extent of the damage. I often didn't believe it was the sun when it was. "Is this a window?" "Is the sun shining in?" It was. Symptoms began to recede, to evaporate in the light of the sun. They began to pull away and I actually started to breathe again. Not those panicked, shallow breaths. But deep, restorative, nourishing breaths. And I could think straight again. I still can't believe it sometimes. (Let me pause here and pinch myself - ouch - ok, it's real.) I thought I was effectively terminated. Maybe some parts of me did die. Those that did, I don't miss.

 

I've rambled. I wish all of you the best. Daily. So often, your stories pass through my mind during the day and you never know it. Please know I send you all healing thoughts so often. All of you.

 

You will heal in time.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Peace, love, compassion, and solidarity...

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

[LoveandLight]

I'm very glad your completely stable..what does that feel like?

 

What a lovely post..I'm always uplifted reading your thread

[Prestorb]

Thanks Dave, you have quite a way with words. I second what Joannad wrote, it's just the encouragement and inspiration I needed today - even though it made me cry. This uncontrollable weepiness is taking some getting used to, but better than being an emotional zombie. Enjoy your Taper Vacation - well earned! Cheers :-)

[Pugknows]

Dave, thank you so much for your kind words on my thread. I read yours all the time and it inspires and encourages me. I love the way you express your feelings. You tug at my heart every time. I don't know why I have dipped into the despair pit these last few days, but I do have people who lift me up, like you, when I fall down. Thank you for the gift you gave me today. Bless you.

[Pdg610]

Thank you so much for your reply on my post.  It is so amazing to hear from someone who has gone through this. 

 

I'm trying to un-teach myself what my former therapist drilled into me  "You are depressed and you need the medication.  You need to accept it"  Over and over and over again for seven years.  I trusted her and her husband, who ironically was the psychiatrist prescribing the pills.   

 

Exercise has been a huge outlet for me as well.  And when I hit rock bottom last year (no sleep and lost 20lbs in a month), I found relief in simply walking.  I went from doing sprint triathlons the year before to barely being able to walk without pain.  Thankfully, I am back to running.  Working towards a 1/2 Marathon in May! 

 

Really my saving grace through all this has been my new therapist.  She is a licensed psychologist and personal trainer and yoga instructor.  She gets the whole mind-body connection!!!  If it weren't for her I'd still be on the 4 meds the doctor tried to give me!

 

Thanks for sending hope my way today!

[Bayboy]

Hey Dave,

 

Just wanting your opinion on something.  I stabilized again at 3 mg and felt pretty good on this dose and continued to sleep pretty well once stabilized.  After 2 and half weeks, i reduced 0.01 ml of my dose, very small, maybe 2.5% if that.  Since reducing my sleep became broken for 2 nights and then up at 2 am last night.  I'm not overly stressed about it, but considering how long I should ride out the sleep disturbance.  It has never hit me like this after such a small reduction and I want to avoid over-reacting and up dosing back to 3 mg again if I can avoid it.  At these lower dosages, do you experience sleep disturbance for awhile?  3 mg seems to be a real sticking point personally for me, and I want to fight it longer to see if I can stabilize in the less than 3 mg realm and continue slowly from there.  Things have gone reasonably well up to this point.

 

BB

[ten0275]

BayBoy, hey.

 

Really good to hear from you.

 

I'm going to suggest that you still weren't ready to make that cut and the broken sleep is your nervous system's way of letting you know it.

 

When we get to these lower doses, it's kind of a whole new ballgame. I am learning this myself! Miniscule cuts barely touched me not so long ago. But my last - I cut 5% - thought I was being way conservative - and I am still holding at 1.9mg nearly 2 months later. I can tell I am just not ready to go further. From the way I feel, 2mg seems to be MY sticking point! So I totally feel you on this.

 

That's what I suspect is going on with you. Both of us are still in the wake of benzo withdrawal, sensistized, and have made super progress on our mirtazapine tapers. We REALLY need to listen to our bodies now.

 

I think a period of stability is what you need to undertake. It was only February when you re-upped to 3mg. My intuition says you should stick w/ 3mg. But if you are really against it, stick w/ the recent 2.5% cut and hold, hold, hold. No more than that. But in your shoes, I would go back to that 3mg, regain sleep, and hold tight.

 

I hope this resonates. I believe you are going to get through this. We are anxious to be done. But let's do this right.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

[Bayboy]

Thanks for responding,

 

I have a feeling you are right and it makes sense.  I also suspect benzo withdrawal symptoms are still prevalent, lying in wait like a pouncing tiger, waiting to expose a weakness.  I think I will up dose and wait it out.  I've tried twice now to reduce from 3 mg and haven't been able to do it, I need to heal more.  But, like you, sometimes the patience wears thin and we want to be done with this crap, but thats just when the symptoms seem to strike and the big problem with insomnia is the fact that the brain can't continue to heal itself in this state.  I'm preaching to the choir, I know.  

 

Thanks again brother,

 

Your posts continue to inspire and provide much needed relief,

 

Hanging in...

 

BB

[ten0275]

Community, hello.

 

I just had a total !!!holy mackerel!!! moment.

 

My last cut was January 16. I made this cut after stabilizing for a month. I decided to try a 5% cut instead of my typical 10%. I figured I should play it safe since I'd be limbo-rocking my way under the 2mg bar. So that's what I did. Dropped from 2mg to 1.9.

 

Symptoms kicked in a little over a week after the cut. They were the typical, but seemed a bit stronger. Dizziness, morning anxiety, waves of depression, minor sleep disturbance. But they didn't let up after the usual 3 to 4 week mark. In fact, they got a bit stronger. And I had three different symptoms - tinnitus and eye sensitivity which had been absent for over a year, and seeing spots which have led into migraines which I've never before experienced. Well, I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out why I feel so crappy. Am I eating differently, exercising differently, under more stress, etc? Nooooooo. Tonight however, I had a thought. I tested it, and now I know what the heck happened.

 

And I feel like a total space-cadet (trying to be kind to myself here) for not having thought of this in advance. I changed syringes. I decided it was time to swap out the bazooka-sized 10ml for the ever-so-slender 1ml. Just for giggles, tonight I decided to see how much my 1.9ml in the 1ml syringe filled to in the 10ml syringe. In the 10ml syringe, I found that I have been taking 1.6ml. A 20 f'ing % cut.

 

My poor nervous system has been trying to deal with a 20% cut. Instead of a 5%. I cannot believe I made this error. And I don't understand it. The brand of syringe is the same. I tested it three times tonight to the same result. I dropped 20%.

 

Ugh... Nearly 2 months. Well at least I know why this cut has been so difficult. I do like answers.

 

I need to just hang on and hang in there now. And truly hold for a very long time. Can't believe I did this.

 

Dave

[Pugknows]

Holy Crappoly, Batman! Sounds like you've decided to hold on the 20% cut, rather than go back up to the 5% cut. You have huevos gordos! Like I've said, if I was tapering, I'd end up making flubber. I would blame the bouncing and floating on withdrawal. As much as I'd like to join you on this rollercoaster ride, if I sat next to you in the front car, I'd probably barf all over you and, in your condition, that would be bad. Instead, I'll sit behind you, raise my hands over my head and scream. ((((Hugs and PomPoms Waving Wildly for This Ride))))

[LoveandLight]

Hahaha Pug haha!

 

Wow no wonder you feeling awful..hope you stabilise soon.

 

I'm holding for now but I'm scared all the time measuring my dose..I've made a mistake..taking only one syringe or taking three a few times..

[Wildflower0214]

Community, hello.

 

I just had a total !!!holy mackerel!!! moment.

 

My last cut was January 16. I made this cut after stabilizing for a month. I decided to try a 5% cut instead of my typical 10%. I figured I should play it safe since I'd be limbo-rocking my way under the 2mg bar. So that's what I did. Dropped from 2mg to 1.9.

 

Symptoms kicked in a little over a week after the cut. They were the typical, but seemed a bit stronger. Dizziness, morning anxiety, waves of depression, minor sleep disturbance. But they didn't let up after the usual 3 to 4 week mark. In fact, they got a bit stronger. And I had three different symptoms - tinnitus and eye sensitivity which had been absent for over a year, and seeing spots which have led into migraines which I've never before experienced. Well, I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out why I feel so crappy. Am I eating differently, exercising differently, under more stress, etc? Nooooooo. Tonight however, I had a thought. I tested it, and now I know what the heck happened.

 

And I feel like a total space-cadet (trying to be kind to myself here) for not having thought of this in advance. I changed syringes. I decided it was time to swap out the bazooka-sized 10ml for the ever-so-slender 1ml. Just for giggles, tonight I decided to see how much my 1.9ml in the 1ml syringe filled to in the 10ml syringe. In the 10ml syringe, I found that I have been taking 1.6ml. A 20 f'ing % cut.

 

My poor nervous system has been trying to deal with a 20% cut. Instead of a 5%. I cannot believe I made this error. And I don't understand it. The brand of syringe is the same. I tested it three times tonight to the same result. I dropped 20%.

 

Ugh... Nearly 2 months. Well at least I know why this cut has been so difficult. I do like answers.

 

I need to just hang on and hang in there now. And truly hold for a very long time. Can't believe I did this.

 

Dave

This made me laugh, not at you, but with you. I totally hear you about the syringes being the same brand...etc.

 

I'm glad you made it through. I'm sure you will continue to improve. Hang in there! You give a lot of great support to a lot of people around here. We need ya!!

 

Thanks for your positive posts. They are on other people's threads, but they still encourage me.

[Prestorb]

Oh wow Dave, I am glad you figured that out instead of going along thinking you were feeling lousy after only a 5% cut! I will be praying that you start feeling better soon and get some relief from your new symptoms, because we need your optimism here! But it's nice to be able to encourage the encourager too.

 

I actually stopped by to congratulate you (I think?) on your change in status to Staff Moderator. I am pretty sure that is relatively new? You are a perfect choice for that job - optimistic, warm, and kind in your writing. Thank you for taking it on!

 

Cheers ☺️

 

Rachel

[ten0275]

pug, L&L, Wildflower, and rachel, hello!

thank you all for your warm, thoughtful, and humorous replies to my "whoops." i'm really trying to wrap my head around how the two syringes can differ like this. i draw the liquid into them in the same manner, use the same standard in lining up the plunger with the fill-line, work out the air bubbles, etc. baffling.

i am going to hang with it however. i don't know if it is so much "huevos gordos" (good lord, pug - ha!) as being stuck between a want and a need-to. i mean at this point, nearly two months after making the error and sticking to it, turning around seems pointless. especially because while the hurt comes on fairly steady at points, i'm not unable to function. i'm working, i'm exercising (though more moderately), and i am doing life the way mine needs to be done.

when things like this happen, i go into "emergency mode." i hunker down. stock the foxhole with the things that have helped, and try to maintain. for me, that is temporarily discontinuing activating supplements, increasing mellowing supplements like magnesium, and easing back on the gym routine. i pay more strict attention to my sleep hygiene, and i put positivity into my head via the music i listen to, the books i read, etc.

i'll be ok. in the gym this morning, i was standing in front of the weight rack after finishing a set and looked into the big mirror that was in front of me. 0400hrs, there i am alone under these fluorescent lights in an empty gym and i look into my own eyes. i rarely do this. but today, i looked into my own puddles of vision. i don't see the terror there any more. i truly do not. even in the midst of this tapering mistake, i do not see the terror that was once afire within. i see the pain, but not the terror. i'll take that as consolation for now.

thanks for checking in, you all mean a great deal to me.

hang in there.

dave

[Meimeiquest]

Oh my! How frustrating! I had a similar discrepancy, but different brands. It is something that really needs to be out there. The only good thing is your symptoms have a clear explanation....and you're that much further down the road. But still...how frustrating!

 

Sending my thanks for your contributions, too!

[ten0275]

Meimeiquest, hey.

thank you so much for sharing your discrepancy experience! i have to say, i was sort of half scratching my head and half saying, "oh, i've totally lost it this time." and you are right - having the explanation for the symptom intensity is a real balm for me. it helps with the acceptance.

thank you ever so much for your kind words.

hang in there.

dave

[Athena]

Oh my my Dave! I could totally have done the same thing! Maybe I did and never noticed!!! Are you feeling somewhat better?

 

I know what you mean about the terror. I have more and more moments too when I feel in power of my life, and that I - I !! decide what will be the rest of it. We have to remember what those moments feel like for when they go away.

 

Keep up the sunshine!

[JanCarol]

Hey Dave - 

 

I've seen your posts around the traps, and am impressed with how you always seem to say the right thing in the right place, a balanced perspective of caring compassion, and deep intelligence.

 

So I came here first, to welcome you to the team of mods - you are much needed in this place, and I'm grateful you will be sharing your talents here,

 

and second to see what you have been through.  I have learned that your compassion is well earned, and your intelligence is well used.  Thank you for sharing your journey through darkness, fear,  restlessness, sleeplessness into sunshine and sharing!

 

Hola, Dave of the Huevos Gordos!     (well, you wouldn't appreciate it if I said you had a "fat head," would you, even though that ***is*** a compliment?     ) 

JC

[calithebold]

Hi Dave, I just spent an hour or so reading your thread and I am impressed. I can see you have been on quite a journey. It scares me too as I am on 6 meds still and come off so many CT in the last few years it's not even funny. It makes me wonder if I can do it sometimes and all seems too scary. You do give me some hope that I can at least reduce some over a very long period of time.

[Addax]

Hi Dave. Stopped by after seeing many of your posts. I just read about your syring error. Glad you figured out the cause of the increased intensity in symptoms. I made a horrible error last summer that resulted in a more than 50% cut. I,thought I'd rectified the error only to realize I simply continued to make it. Ten mg and 20 mg generic fluoxetine capsules look-a-like, and when you have the attention span of a squirrel as I do the difference is easy to miss. That combined with not knowing about the interaction between fluoxetine and buproprion... Well, short story is I spent nearly 3 months in hell, panicked and reinstated way more than I needed. I wish I'd figured out what went wrong sooner as you did. I think it would have made a huge difference. How strange (and irritating!) to have such seemingly small errors have such an enormous impact on us.

 

When you went through your period when you had to limit your exercise, do you mind sharing how it made you feel? Like did it exacerbate symptoms? And now that your stable, does exercise help alleviate symptoms?

[ten0275]

    calithebold, hello.

thank you so much for stopping by and spending your time to read my layers. it means a great deal to me. i'm honored if it lent you some comfort or hope. i want you to have much hope. it reinforces the idea that we are decidedly not in this alone. our tangled balls of pharmaceutical yarn may be of different sizes and color, but we all have the same goal - to untangle. and we're all doing our best to make the right choices to bring us to our respective finish lines of recovery. i have looked at your thread now too, and have a deep respect for where you have been, what lies ahead for you, and where you want to go. with care, you're going to get there. hang with it, c.


addax, hi.

thanks for sharing the story of your error. i see precisely how yours happened. i think it is all-to-easy, really. when our brains are so taxed to begin with, it is really little wonder that we fail to notice syringe variances, capsule fine-print, and interactions. attention spans of squirrels! you gave me a solid morning laugh with that - feeling squirrely was sort of my modus operandi through withdrawal, particularly early to middle. and i concur - the seemingly small errors and their disproportionately huge impact. doesn't seem particularly fair!

so i used to run marathons. my per-week training mileage was quite solid. maybe 20 to 30 miles during the week days and then approximately a 12 to 18 LSD (long slow distance) run on one of the weekend days. it was my go-to for stress control. big meeting coming? go for a run. problems with the family? go for a run. scratched my first vinyl pressing of the Beatles's "abbey road?" go for a damn run! it was always accessible and relaxing for me. as soon as i went into acute withdrawal, all exercise immediately ceased. when the akathisia began, i wanted to run, but it was disastrous. i'll give you an example of how it would work.

when i hospitalized myself the second time, the akathisia and terrifying intrusive thoughts were in full swing. multiple times per day, we the patients were let out into this courtyard that was, at its perimeter, about 50 yards in size - a veritable postage-stamp of land fenced in my high unclimbable fences. it was grassy. we were let out because 99% of we the patients and the staff of the place smoked cigarettes. i did not, but chose to be the designated lighter. i'd take the lighter and walk around lighting everyone's marlboros, camels, and newports. when in rome. anyway, one day, the akathisia was roaring and i just wanted to leap out of my skin, so i resigned my designated lighter position, took off my hospital-issued slippers, and began running around the perimeter of the hospital yard. it must have looked hilarious as the thing was so small, i was just running these really tiny loops over and over. my smoking companions watched and laughed and i just kept hauling ass around that thing until the nurse told us we all had to go in. i was a sweaty mess, but i felt AWESOME... for about...30 minutes... and then i had perhaps the worst wave i had endured to that point.

it was the cortisol. vigorous exercise releases it, so i had basically added a cortisol afternoon to my cortisol morning. not good!

for at least a year, this was the case. light walking would work, light yoga and gentle stretching would work, but anything vigorous would trigger a wave within the broader tsunami of the experience. after about a year, i began strength training. i never did much with weights in earlier days. i found that the ability to vigorously work one, or at least few, muscles in isolated movements was both gratifying and without the trigger-effect that the cardio delivered. and i have been lifting ever since.

i can run again too - but i still need to be careful. my nervous system is still a bit of a raw live wire, so if i feel anxious, i don't do any running. it's the opposite of how it was! before, i would run when i felt stressful. now i run when i feel relaxed. it has to be that way for now. but the weight training is very intense and vigorous and i am more than satisfied with it when i can't get my run in.

exercise DOES alleviate symptoms when i do it correctly, and listen to my body.

i hope this helps. thanks for asking. every time i talk about the hospital, i go right upstairs into my head - i get teary and reminiscent. and that helps to release which i need and appreciate.

hang in there.

dave
 

[Martina23]

Dave, maybe I am wrong but there under symtoms and selfcare/acute rage coping/post of petunia/link what tips have helped others with agitation and anger there is post from Molder from 5 March 2015, and he describes there his situation and asks if he is not going crazy. I think someone should answer him. He comes me quite that he needs it. Could you as moderator put him under Introduction and updates? I am not sure if he is there. Then someone would see and answer him. He writes he is on the website for the first time. Thank you. Tschüss

[Addax]

Thanks for sharing your experience with exercise. The image of someone running laps around a postage stamp is somewhat comical... Of course the story itself is not.

 

I was heartbroken during my withdrawal crash las fall when exercise became my enemy. Even lifting weights would make me tremble and feel nauseous. Like you, a vigorous run backfired as well. Damn cortisol! Thank goodness it has once again become my panacea.

 

I'm glad to read that you find relief in exercise again; even at 4 AM!

[ten0275]

Addax,

 

aspects of my withdrawal, in hindsight of course, are hilarious to me now. so please laugh at my round-and-round-and-round the postage-stamp sized property mini-marathon! i had this whole section of cigarette smokers laughing and cheering me on. the staff thought i was nuts. but hell, look where i was! at another point when i realized cardio was not smart, i asked if i could have weights in my room. they said "no." "not safe," they said. soooo, i took to lifting up the chair in my room and setting it back down again. there wasn't much resistance there, but try picking a chair up and down 100 repetitions and you do feel a burn. of course staff walking by seeing me lift a chair up and down repetitively also probably detracted from my cause.

 

that place was hard on the body. no exercise, pumped full of metabolically atrocious pharmaceuticals, and damn... that institutionalized food was really bad. totally refined in every possible way and loaded with MSG and other excitotoxins. how can someone "get better" amidst that.

 

sadly, people didn't. they got their lithium, seroquel, risperidone, prozac blah blah blah cocktail and were sent stumbling back out into the jungle with 10 extra pounds and a whole prescription bottle of new problems.

 

i am so glad you are back to being able to take exercise as well. i find it even more enriching now. maybe i just appreciate it more having felt what it was like to lose the ability. i didn't know if i would ever be able to perform what bruce lee called, "the art of expressing the human body," aka exercise, ever again.

 

the pre-dawn go-times, well those are for cutting the cortisol response. i started them in withdrawal and am now rather programmed to hit the ground around 0400hrs.

 

early worm avoids the squirm, methinks.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

 

 

[calithebold]

I'm glad someone else has the "early morning squirm worms" actually I'm 15 mins early today and people get all worried about it when I say I've been up since 4am. I really appreciate your comments to me and you taking the time to stop by my thread, yes I do feel like I am in a jumble of mixed up yarn and I know how bad that is as I am a knitter and crocheter (if that's a word, lol). My mix scares the living daylights out of me and I think I'm wise to be scared. I also found your running around the yard in hospital funny, just because I've done stuff like that before in hospital, not exercise but silly crazy things. In Australia,  a lot of our wards are open wards, though there are quite a few closed locked wards still. There is only two closed ward hospitals in my city that I am aware of, so if you are in an open ward and you are on the right level/category whatever and your doc allows it, you can go out on leave and you basically sign out and say when your will/must be back by and that's that. You can go out. You get locked in at night though. Strange isn't it, the difference in countries?

[pieuw]

Hi Dave,

 

I have read your introduction and it has given me some hope to come off Lexapro myself. You seem to have been through some rough patches, which I hope I do not have to pass... Yet your optimism has stayed intact, and I admire that profoundly.

 

Like you, I did also start taking Lexapro for anxiety. Unfortunately my GP prescribed this drug to me immediately after my first anxiety/(panic?) attack ever. (Though I must admit, I had to do exams in college, so I did what I thought I had to do to function asap again...) Anyway, it's not like I suffered months and years of anxiety before taking Lexapro.

 

But here I am: 10 days after tapering from 2.0mg to 1,5mg, the anxiety became omnipresent and cannot be denied. And I have no idea whether it is from my original "disease" or from tapering too fast. Since I immediately started taking Lexapro after my first anxiety attack, I have not a lot of "life experience" to compare with.

 

So I hope you don't mind sharing your experience on this: did you also experience (extreme) anxiety in coming off Lexapro? And since you already had anxiety before taking SSRI's, how did/do you know that it is w/d or that it is your original anxiety? And how do you deal with "normal" anxiety in your life? I have taken CBT-sessions to manage my anxiety, but it seems powerless for the fear I am feeling now.

 

I hope I haven't hijacked your topic with all my questions. ;-)

 

Keep writing those inspiring posts, and good luck on your further journey.

 

Pieuw x

[pieuw]

Oh, and I forgot: Did you ever just reinstated Lexapro, and how did that turn out for you? I am considering going back to my original dose of 10mg, and make a fresh start from there on, after a while, and taper really slowly. Since I have been going way too fast apparently the last few months. But I have no idea whether this "starting anew" will work.

 

Thanks!

[ten0275]

everyone, hello.

 

it's been awhile since i've posted here and i've been a bit quieter on the site of late. i am still dealing with some difficulty from my syringe screw-up (accidental 20% reduction discovered after two months!) and the hurt has come on in intervals. this isn't drop-me-to-my-knees kind of suffering, but when it washes over me, it reminds me of the caution i must continue to practice in protecting my healing brain and nervous system.

 

my symptoms are for all intents and purposes, the usual withdrawlly fare. some broken sleep. hard drives of anxiety followed by the intense tar-pit depressions w/ the desire to weep for no apparent reason. racing thoughts that wax and wan. desire to crawl into my own foxhole and avoid interaction. and in the gym, i find that when i lift the weights, putting that concentrated strain on the muscles, it makes me cry. i am glad no one else is at the gym at the hour i am, as i am quite a sight, for sure. the crying doesn't stem from the physical pain of the exercise. it has a neuro-emotion quality. it's hard to explain. but it is as if putting strain on the muscle is just enough to dispatch my already wobbly nervous system to its tilting point - and teardrops fall. afterward however, i feel very good. as i compose this to you, i find that i am relaxed and feeling fairly even. so the gym is definitely more a positive than a negative at this point in time.

 

i have temporarily discontinued my b-vitamins, creatine supplementation, and cardiovascular exercise (running) as these are too stimulating when i am in the state i currently reside in. i have been here before several times.

 

anyway, i continue to read up on how you are all doing as i can, respond as i can, and i am happy to see so many of you hanging in there, even as you feel the intensity you carry with you every day. 

 

has anyone told you that you are strong lately? i mean like truly strong to face each day and do your best to get through to the better tomorrow? if not, let me be the one to do it. you are strong. even if you have left bed in three days, showered in a week, and have been crying for 5 hours - you are strong. and you will get through your own personal withdrawal rigors.

 

though i myself am in a difficult position right now, i know that it will come to an end and i will be able to proceed with my taper. i have survived worse, and every single time i thought i would not improve, i ultimately did. withdrawal gets into our heads and bad-talks us into believing we are somehow permanently damaged and doomed to the life of what we are currently feeling. it simply isn't true. withdrawal lies, withdrawal attempts to steal, but withdrawal will fade like a ghost in the rear-view in time.

 

all right, i should get into my work day here. thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

[Fresh]

Hey  Dave ,   sorry you're taking a while to bounce back.    Love the new pic and just wanted to pop in and say hello.

 

You're truly strong too - you know that right?

 

Blessings ,