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Songbird

Songbird: a little about me

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Songbird

Hello everyone, I am another who was previously at another forum which has closed down.  I'm very grateful that there is another good AD forum as I really don't want to be doing this alone.  I already know a lot of other members here.  My history in summary:

 

2001 Had a baby, a few days later got hit with severe anxiety and insomnia, diagnosed with post partum distress, anxiety, and hyperventilation syndrome.  A psychiatrist prescribed Aropax (paroxetine), Mellaril (thioridazine - an anti-psychotic used as an anxiolytic at lower doses to cover the SSRI start-up) and zopiclone for sleep short-term.  Stayed on Aropax for about six months then tapered off over a couple of months, with just a few mild withdrawal symptoms.

 

2003 Had second baby, repeat of above process but with Cipramil(citalopram) and midazolam for sleep. 

 

2004 Had just got off citalopram when a very stressful situation occurred at my workplace (company was bought by two other companies and split, our part then integrated with one of the two buying companies).  Spent a huge amount of energy and effort job-hunting and not coping well with the situation.  Eight months of unrelenting stress later had a breakdown, similar symptoms to before, decided to go back on Aropax since it had worked well before (stupid, stupid).

 

2005-2006  Work situation still stressful, kept trying to taper dose down but couldn't cope below 10mg.

 

2007 Crashed at around 5mg, straight back to 20mg.  A few months later searched the internet and found information about slow tapering.  Began a slow taper which went well initially.

 

2008  Crashed around April after dropping from 5mg to 4.5mg.  Went straight back to 5mg which didn't help.  Went through a couple of months of pure hell (stupidly did not updose).  Couldn't sleep, eat or keep still.  Off-the-scale akathisia, didn't sleep for a whole week, couldn't keep anything down, spent my days and nights pacing around until my feet hurt and I couldn't even wear shoes.  Began relaxation exercises which calmed things down enough to struggle through for a while but unable to work to support my family.  Lots of pressure to get back to work.  Updosed back to 10mg in June and 20mg in July.  GP prescribed zopiclone for sleep, then psychiatrist prescribed Seroquel to switch over to from the zopiclone.  Nasty drug, gave me big muscle twitches in my legs.  Restabilised by October, tapered off Seroquel fairly quickly.  Began tapering paroxetine again in December.

 

2009-2014  Tapered at a glacial pace, some years hardly dropped at all due to instability for months.  Eventually was doing only 0.1mg drops and for a while 0.05mg drops which sound so tiny as to be ridiculous but I felt every drop.  Was afraid of crashing again at 4.5mg but got through it and am now down to 3.45mg.  Last drop was 0.15mg instead of 0.1mg as drops seem to be getting a little easier recently.  Still very afraid of crashing. 

 

In 2011 decided I had to get out of my stressful job/career, felt like I would never get off meds as long as I stayed.  The lower my dose got the more toxic the environment felt.  I think the meds had helped me stay in the job by numbing me out somewhat.  April 2011 was offered and took paid redundancy, 2012 back to uni to retrain as teacher, 2013-2014 unsuccessful job hunting, bits and pieces of part-time work, feeling mostly happy apart from worry about lack of income.  No regrets about tossing old career in spite of not really having a new one.

 

All in all, far too many years of having these meds in my life, rather over the whole thing by now.  If you actually read all of this, you deserve a chocolate fish.

Edited by scallywag
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bubble

Hello Songbird and welcome to SA,

 

I have read your story and it is really impressive. I admire you courage at giving up the job that was causing so much stress. I'm sad to see that so many people are doped to be able to live the kind of life that is not human.

 

Your knowledge about tapering is very advanced and I hope you will here find a lot of friendly support on your journey. 

 

Nice to have you ;)

 

Best,

Bubble

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Songbird

Thank you, Bubble!  It is nice to be here!

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mustangwoman

Songbird, so happy to see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

I feel like I'm getting my family back!

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Babs

Hi Songbird!  I was hoping you'd show up here.

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brassmonkey

Hi Songbird--I so glad you could make it, always like having you around.

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geminigirl

Hi Songbird, im gemninigirl from PP.

 

Nice to see you here :)

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ladybug

Oh yay, I love chocolate! Never had a chocolate fish though, is that a thing down there? :) Good to see you, fellow turtle!

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ladybug

I think it is a Kiwi thing:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chocolate_fish

 

Turtles rule! LOL!

Interesting! Have never seen those.

 

Heck yeah, turtles rule. And chocolate turtles are even better! Do you have those? They are delicious. Caramel and pecans, covered in chocolate. Mmmm...

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geminigirl

Ladybug, what was your name from pp?

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brassmonkey

Yes Turtles rule, especially the ones made of chocolate and nuts. lol

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ladybug

Ladybug, what was your name from pp?

 

Sorry to confuse everyone! I've changed my signature to show my PP name. I was thinking of changing it to my PP name, but I always was a bit worried that it was too close to my actual name! Kinda like the anonymity of this one. I guess we'll see lol.

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ladybug

Yes Turtles rule, especially the ones made of chocolate and nuts. lol

Jinx!

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Ever

Imagine - people who've never had a chocolate fish!    lololol 

 

I too feel like I'm getting my family back here :)

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nz11

Greetings songbird.

Look forward to more of your wisdom.

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Junior

That mob 'over the ditch' do some weird things.  Chocolate and fish together?  Have to think about that one...

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geminigirl

Do you guys like my new pic?

 

Hehe, it's a funny cat...

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Britt

Hug for you x

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brassmonkey

Happy New Year Songbird.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

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Brandy

Do you guys like my new pic?

 

Hehe, it's a funny cat...

 

Love your avatar, geminigirl!

 

I think cats must the funniest creatures on earth.

 

(Well, depends on your point of view. My cat just meowed and I'm pretty sure she said, "No, humans are!")

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Songbird

Hug for you x

Happy New Year Songbird.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for the hugs! Happy New Year to you too! 

 

Do you guys like my new pic?

Hehe, it's a funny cat...

 

I think cats must the funniest creatures on earth.

(Well, depends on your point of view. My cat just meowed and I'm pretty sure she said, "No, humans are!")

Cats are funny and very entertaining. We used to have four, but we're down to two very old moggies now.

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Songbird

Was hoping to start the next drop by now, but still not feeling stable enough yet.  On the whole I've been pretty happy this past month.  Recently had a day of quite bad tearfulness, then a couple of days with bouts of low blood pressure, feeling a lot better today.  Still difficult to fall asleep some nights, but on the other hand I still have energy and motivation which is wonderful.  I feel a strong urge to get stuff done lately.

 

Psychologically, it feels like I'm waking up after 12 years asleep.  I feel like myself again, getting my recording studio going again and wanting to get back into making music, as that is who I really am.  At the same time I'm grieving for all the wasted time and opportunities.  I'm feeling like I need to live the rest of my life for me, no more trying to live up to what other people want me to be.  My 40s are nearly gone, I can't waste any more of my life.

 

Also feeling stressed about money.  The money in my savings account is fast disappearing, I've had to spend nearly $1000 on my car this week as it failed its WOF.  I still have no job and as far as 'career' goes I feel lost.  The only thing I really want to do now is music.  I had a couple of interviews for music teaching jobs in schools but didn't get them.  I'm trying to keep telling myself to trust that the universe has some kind of plan, maybe the perfect job is just around the corner, lol.  I guess at least I'm learning to live with uncertainty and not to worry as much.

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bubble

I like the way you are thinking: doing and succeeding in finding a positive side in things happening to you. At least seeing it as an opportunity for growth  (even if with a touch of irony :)

 

I can relate to how you are feeling a lot. I noticed that we all have this problem of lost years, wasted life... But we did the best we could. I somehow stopped comparing myself to other "healthy" people. I've lived and live my life the way I can. I've also  been looking for a different (better) job for quite some time now. I invested an awful lot of time, energy and effort in competing only to fail at the last step. I used to dread failure before because it would make me feel like a failure. But this time a miracle of growing up finally happened and I didn't feel like a failure. Like you, I still believe there is some (if not perfect :) better job for me round the corner....

 

Also about the taper: was thinking about making a little cut but too symptomatic...

 

It's great to hear about your creativity and will getting back!

 

Good luck! we will get there :)

 

Bubble

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brassmonkey

I'm so glad you're feeling productive and the creativity is starting up again.  Getting the studio up and going is fantastic.  I am in the middle of redoing my studio too,  I'm switching gears a little from painting/sculpting to more of an animatronics lab.  It combines both of those and a lot of mechanical stuff too.  I have been doing little bits over the years but want to really get going with it.  Just for fun I am planning a Steampunk feel to the place too.

 

I see you're at 3.45mg right now.  I had a good bit of trouble right around there, but it seems to have started to clear up now that I'm down around 2mg.  Just take it slow and easy, and listen to your body like you're doing already and you'll be fine.  As for the wasted life, I think I lived the best I could considering life, drugs and everything.  I may not have ended up where I was planning and there are some things I wish I could change, but it's what got be to where I am and all in all I'm pretty pleased.  I still have a few years left and I am planning on spending them my way with a clear head.

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MapleleafGirl

you are doing great sonbird:) i am so proud of you getting to where you are and regardless of how long it has taken you and how long until you are off you are really close:) My creativity started coming back  full on to me about 9 months ago...as a graphic designer i needed that back becuase before i just felt non motivated and just created things in that flat line mood...so now tons of ideas are flowing!! that is great you are going back into the studio, dont worry about the wasted time, i was having that feeling too ..then i just thought..cant do anything about the past..just have to get going on whats happening now..and that helped ALOT in feeling better about the whole paxil gong show...

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Songbird

It's nice to be amongst other people who understand.  I know I can't do anything about the past, but it still feels like I need to go through a bit of a grieving process anyway.  I can imagine how things might have been, but it's likely they wouldn't have been as fantasised, just different, maybe better in some ways but worse in others.  I do feel that if I can actually complete some new projects, it will help me feel like I'm really moving forward again, and then the wasted years won't hurt as much.  I really need to get out in that studio this afternoon, but my head is spinning, BP is 98/56 at the moment.  I'm trying to bring it up by eating some chippies.

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Tilly

Hello Songbird! 

 

I thought I'd stop by, say hello and collect my chocolate fish!  :)

 

You have been through so much, yet demonstrate a lot of strength, determination and self awareness. These qualities can only aid your recovery.

 

I share and can empathise with some of your experiences.

 

Like you, I also left a stressful career to develop my creative talents. I haven't regretted my choice once. I'm sure that the universe has a plan for your creative talents too.

 

Grieving for lost time & painful experiences can be cathartic, but there are lessons in all experiences. Sometimes we only see them when we have time and distance to look back on them. Age is just a number and there is no time for regrets when there is music to be made ;) I hope that you are able to create some soothing music to help you to ride the waves.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Tilly x

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Songbird

Thank you so much, Tilly.  I sure hope the universe has a plan, I'm feeling quite lost at the moment.  The excrement is going to contact the rotating blades financially in the not-too-distant future if some miracle doesn't happen.

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Ever

I hope something comes up for you Songbird.  To help with the finances....

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Tilly

Thank you so much, Tilly.  I sure hope the universe has a plan, I'm feeling quite lost at the moment.  The excrement is going to contact the rotating blades financially in the not-too-distant future if some miracle doesn't happen.

I understand the pressure financial loss and stress causes. I almost lost my home as a result of having to give up a career that was toxic to my health. But I didn't. I got through.

 

I didn't have any safety net, family or financial support. I was solely responsible for mortgage payments and receiving no income at a time when I was very ill and emotionally exhausted. I became much more resourceful as a consequence. Became much more frugal in every aspect of my life. Sold as many of my possessions on ebay as I could to make ends meet. I went through a hellish year, but got through and am here to tell the story.

 

Make use of what resources you have available to you & seek support from debt counselling agencies. You too can get through this. I have faith in you.

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Tilly

I hope something comes up for you Songbird.  To help with the finances....

Ever, 

Thank you for your post on my initial thread. I will be reading your thread tomorrow when I can muster the energy after sleep. Withdrawal has took so much energy away from me, the smallest task takes so much effort. This is hard for me to accommodate as the real me is so full of energy usually. I feel like I am wading through treacle most days! But, that said I have not overlooked your kindness.

 

I hope that I can extend the support to you that you offered me as a newcomer.

 

Tillyx

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Ever

awwww Thankyou Tilly!  :)   You are very very welcome

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Songbird

Well, after struggling with depression, mood swings and tearfulness most of this year so far, I actually woke up yesterday in a good mood, which felt very unusual.  Maybe I will stabilise soon, that would be nice.  I've held my dose at 3.4mg all year waiting to stabilise.  I actually felt really happy for a while yesterday morning.  My mood in general has been better recently.  Still have some mild anxiety on waking most mornings - physical anxiety feeling plus sometimes the feelings of dread, especially if I have stuff I have to do that day.  Why can't I just win Lotto and live a life of leisure, I think that would suit me quite well.  I am working a little part-time doing gymnastics coaching.  It isn't enough to pay all the bills but I enjoy it a lot.  I seem to get tired very quickly these days, and wonder how I ever managed a full-time job five days a week.

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clearday

Nice to hear that you had a good day  :lol:. Good days keep us going and remind us that we will have more of them.

 

Fatigue was always my worst symptom during withdrawal from Prozac. I had the fatigue for a long time, but eventually it went away, the further away I got from that Prozac garbage.

 

Now my withdrawal from Lexapro has different symptoms.

 

I do know that they both share one thing in common, that they are both poisons for me (and for a lot of other people too, based on all the horror stories I've read on here and on other forums. I am also former PP member.)

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brassmonkey

Hi songbird-- I'm so glad to hear that you're getting a nice window today.  Hopefully things are becoming more stable and the windows will continue to grow.  Fighting the fatigue has been an on going thing for me, it's always there and I have to keep going in spite of it.

 

((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

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