success ☼ freespirit: Mirtazapine withdrawal

[freespirit]

Bless you Tilly..I needed to hear that. 

 

One of my teachers used to say about whatever tangle was the lifetime challenge--"that's your yoga!" Well, feeling as though I don't belong is my "yoga". It comes in almost any circumstance, sometimes disguised, but there it is. I can't tell you how many times I've run in my life, because of feeling there was no place for me. 

 

Mary Chapin Carpenter wrote a song called The Moon and St. Christopher. One part of the lyrics:

 

"Now I have run from the arms of lovers, I've run from the eyes of friends, I have run from the hands of kindness, I've run just because I can."

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoPTCQazeIY

 

I wish you could stop by for tea too....it's a rainy day, made for a sit by the fire and a nice cuppa. 

[Tilly]

Aww, what a beautiful song 

 

I remember listening to Nanci Griffith in my teen years.

 

Your yoga is my yoga, free. I have felt a sense of not belonging for many years. The art of belonging and learning to belong is recognising those that you want to belong to - humans, animals, nature, beliefs, causes - and embracing. When in doubt, trust your instinct and run for the hills until your instinct tells you better.

 

I'd run to you and your warm fireside for tea and chit chat any day 

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Tilly x

[AliG]

Girls, can I join your " tea party".  I'll bring  the scones !!    LOL !  

 

Free,

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate, your  kindness & concern, particularly the other night (  my time. )  I felt so low & just  " worn out", with " fighting", all of it, including the depression, that I  just  " caved", in . Gave into it , I suppose.   Felt so tired & rundown, I didn't have the strength to fight it.  I hate feeling like that . It makes me feel " weak".  I always try to " power" on , if I can. 

 

I think  you were right in a way, I was pushing myself, too hard.

 

Anyway, thanks again.

 

Ali.

[freespirit]

Hi Ali, 

 

Absolutely! You're welcome to come for tea...and you don't need to bring anything..just yourself.

 

I just posted on your thread about surrender and letting down. Sometimes, I think I push myself too hard as well..and that, and getting sick both force me into that place where I can't fight anything anymore. It's one of those paradoxical places. In surrender, there's actually power..but it's a different kind of power. More of a "power to" rather than a "power over".

[freespirit]

Aww, what a beautiful song 

 

I remember listening to Nanci Griffith in my teen years.

 

Your yoga is my yoga, free. I have felt a sense of not belonging for many years. The art of belonging and learning to belong is recognising those that you want to belong to - humans, animals, nature, beliefs, causes - and embracing. When in doubt, trust your instinct and run for the hills until your instinct tells you better.

 

I'd run to you and your warm fireside for tea and chit chat any day 

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Tilly x

 

As we've talked about before Tilly, my sense of belonging is mostly tied to the natural world....my difficulties lie with humans. While I understand the source of this, understanding hasn't made a lot of difference to changing it. In times of feeling more vulnerable, like grief, or illness, or WD, it becomes more heightened..and unfortunately, my instinct will tell me to run from anything..which is not the ultimate answer either. Though sometimes, I need to take myself temporarily away from everything..in order to really listen and become clear on what is right. 

[manymoretodays]

Beautiful song........  I may just be a white woman after all........  This is going to sound weird, but I will risk it.........I have felt like a poor-financially, circumstance, history........... black woman for such a long, long time.  Anyway.......that was a beautiful song and I enjoyed their emotions while singing and playing it.........and so.........could relate.

[freespirit]

A rough few days after seeing the chiropractor last week. I wish I could say it was worth it, that my back was doing better...but no. I got very triggered by a couple of things during the visit, as well as feeling very sore from the treatment itself. That evening, I had a good solid cry, something that rarely seems to happen anymore. That brought some relief, but that surely didn't last.

 

I'm seriously thinking I'll take a break from both chiropractic and acupuncture for now. I haven't been feeling great emotionally since the last acupuncture treatment. The "big shifts" that she predicted have mostly amounted to a lot of unpleasant emotions. Is that a shift? To me it feels more like shift with the "f" removed. While chiro seemed promising at first, I'm literally back to having almost the same back pain as when I first started seeing her...feels like a waste of money.

 

In general, I'm in a cycle of increased muscle and joint pain again too. The only thing that seems to help much is stretching, which has to be done several times a day. I've been doing more qi gong, with the hope of it lifting my mood..which is does temporarily, like the bike riding. I'm trying to be more grateful for those times, rather than the alternative of feeling sorry for myself..which is not always successful. When I felt like this as a kid, my mom always said I was going around with a chip on my shoulder..and yes, that's very much how it feels at the moment. If it were closer to Christmas, I could easily say bah humbug.

 

I'm going to bed pretty early and waking up around 4:30 or 5 every morning. Many days, I need an afternoon nap..or else I'm dragging through the last half of the day. It makes for a weird sort of life...but since I have little else required of me at the moment, I'll just live with it. It's better than not sleeping.

 

On the weekend, I decided to try the CoQ10 that I'd bought some time ago. I read that it's supposed to be good for nerve pain, which is part of what I'm dealing with. With the first pill, I felt an overwhelming sense of well-being and a few hours later, every bit of pain in my body left me. It was short-lived, but made me want to continue. There was some mild digestive upset with it. The next day, the pill had much less impact..and the pain never went away, but it did lessen. Same thing on the 3rd day. I would have thought that lessening pain would improve my mood, but unfortunately, that didn't happen after the 1st day.

 

Over and over, I return back to my default position of being sad and lonely. I try to bring every bit of compassion and patience I can muster...but not always successful. It's not that I don't expect to feel those things...it's just that I'm weary of feeling the same emotions I've been feeling intensely the past few years..and well, for a lot of my life. Being with people sometimes temporarily relieves it, or at least, I stop noticing it so much...but as soon as I'm alone, the emotions come rushing back.

 

I bought myself a mandala coloring book and some new watercolor pencils before the weekend. It was supposed to be rainy, and I wanted something to distract myself...but the weather wasn't as bad as predicted, so I never got around to doing any art. My supplies are all sitting out on the kitchen table. I don't know why I'm not picking it up...it's something I loved and looked forward to in the past. Mandalas in particular have been very important through some difficult times in my life.

 

The sun is shining...better get my tour training in this afternoon...

[Tilly]

Hi Free,

 

Re-assessing our care plans for ourselves at intervals is wise. Sometimes we need breaks and changes to our routines to shake things up or allow change or a period of settling or reflection.

 

Crying is never a bad thing. Your body needed to purge some feelings of hurt / despair / sadness / frustration. This is fine and healthy. Allow yourself this release without over thinking it.

 

I experience severe muscle tension and pain, which can be wearing and disabling. I just bought a Homedics shiatsu back massager with heat. It is a lot more cost effective than a massage therapist and I can use it daily as and when I need it. It will be delivered tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

I too am trying CoQ10 this week. Great minds think alike! Give this supplement time. I hear great things about its effects.

 

Sadness and loneliness takes so much time to change / abate. But it does. Give it time, Free. Persevere with patience on this matter as with teaching a child who learns slowly. It can take us some time to change ingrained behaviour patterns and feelings. This makes sense and is fine. Do not let timelines dictate or diminish small but significant successes along the way.

 

I now live alone with lots of space in the day that no longer hurts me. I use my time well to benefit me. I have self funded and engaged in a telephone peer mentoring programme this week and will be having weekly peer support visits from next month from another local source I discovered this week. I make time each day for self care which includes progressive muscle relaxation, breath work / diaphragmatic breathing, cooking healthy meals, yoga, cycling, self massage, skincare, pampering, creative pursuits, reading, feeding my swans, ducks & coots, snuggling my cats and meditating.

 

I love my own company now as I always did prior to my personality and sense of self being diluted / distorted by SSRIs. You will feel this too, given time and healing.

 

Take up your pencils and colour your mandalas. Hang them in your home and bring colour into your life. Cycle, love your cats, practice Qi Gong and do all that brings you peace and joy until these feelings become the norm. Naturally, without any forced sense or absence of peace and joy when alone.

 

I have complete faith in your ability to achieve joy, contentment and peace with yourself and your own company. I am willing you on, as always.

 

I'm taking a break from here for a while, but you will continue to be in my thoughts.

 

Take the very best care of you. You are so worthy of such care, healing and happiness.

 

Until next time we speak, 

 

Much love and huge hugs.

 

Tilly x

[manymoretodays]

A rough few days after seeing the chiropractor last week. I wish I could say it was worth it, that my back was doing better...but no. I got very triggered by a couple of things during the visit, as well as feeling very sore from the treatment itself. That evening, I had a good solid cry, something that rarely seems to happen anymore. That brought some relief, but that surely didn't last.

 

I'm seriously thinking I'll take a break from both chiropractic and acupuncture for now. I haven't been feeling great emotionally since the last acupuncture treatment. The "big shifts" that she predicted have mostly amounted to a lot of unpleasant emotions. Is that a shift? To me it feels more like shift with the "f" removed. While chiro seemed promising at first, I'm literally back to having almost the same back pain as when I first started seeing her...feels like a waste of money.

 

In general, I'm in a cycle of increased muscle and joint pain again too. The only thing that seems to help much is stretching, which has to be done several times a day. I've been doing more qi gong, with the hope of it lifting my mood..which is does temporarily, like the bike riding. I'm trying to be more grateful for those times, rather than the alternative of feeling sorry for myself..which is not always successful. When I felt like this as a kid, my mom always said I was going around with a chip on my shoulder..and yes, that's very much how it feels at the moment. If it were closer to Christmas, I could easily say bah humbug.

 

I'm going to bed pretty early and waking up around 4:30 or 5 every morning. Many days, I need an afternoon nap..or else I'm dragging through the last half of the day. It makes for a weird sort of life...but since I have little else required of me at the moment, I'll just live with it. It's better than not sleeping.

 

On the weekend, I decided to try the CoQ10 that I'd bought some time ago. I read that it's supposed to be good for nerve pain, which is part of what I'm dealing with. With the first pill, I felt an overwhelming sense of well-being and a few hours later, every bit of pain in my body left me. It was short-lived, but made me want to continue. There was some mild digestive upset with it. The next day, the pill had much less impact..and the pain never went away, but it did lessen. Same thing on the 3rd day. I would have thought that lessening pain would improve my mood, but unfortunately, that didn't happen after the 1st day.

 

Over and over, I return back to my default position of being sad and lonely. I try to bring every bit of compassion and patience I can muster...but not always successful. It's not that I don't expect to feel those things...it's just that I'm weary of feeling the same emotions I've been feeling intensely the past few years..and well, for a lot of my life. Being with people sometimes temporarily relieves it, or at least, I stop noticing it so much...but as soon as I'm alone, the emotions come rushing back.

 

I bought myself a mandala coloring book and some new watercolor pencils before the weekend. It was supposed to be rainy, and I wanted something to distract myself...but the weather wasn't as bad as predicted, so I never got around to doing any art. My supplies are all sitting out on the kitchen table. I don't know why I'm not picking it up...it's something I loved and looked forward to in the past. Mandalas in particular have been very important through some difficult times in my life.

 

The sun is shining...better get my tour training in this afternoon...

 

Sheet....... free, it does hit, doesn't it?  I found myself whimpering on the garage steps with a cigarette in the early morn the other day.  Whimpering.

 

I am going to get out my pinking shears and a pile of some of favorite clothing patterns and colors from yesteryear and start my quilt.  Memory, life and love quilt?  The right name will come to me.  Oh......and do wish me luck on this endeavor......I will NOT put these items of clothes back in my closet,  I will not.......  The outer clearance needs boxes still.  And I expect I will have some luck in selling some items through the winter.

 

It should be interesting and I am not certain but I think I am going to try and go for that professional look for one day next week.  That "certifiable professional something" look.  It will be fun. 

 

It sure is getting close to Halloween too.  I think just the glassless glasses and nose and mustache ensemble should be good for giving away sugar treats and admiring little people event.  Maybe a leaf person to greet them on the front porch if more leaves actually start falling.

[AliG]

  Free,

 

 I'm so sorry that you're doing it " tough", at the moment !    I can relate to so much , of the same.  Re :  Chiropractic  -  I've never been in so much pain., as when I was going to a Chiropractor.    My " relief" came with massage ( deep , therapeutic. ), and Yoga.  Also weight training .more on that later. 

 

I can empathize , with your " alone " feelings. I have them as well, and I'm " surrounded " by people !   " Weary of feeling the same emotions. ".  So , get that !  Don't feel alone , Free.  I think , a lot of us are going through this, either from the " drugs", or from what led us to the drugs, in the first place.  The end result, is similar, I think . We have to find " new " ways, of thinking , feeling , being, loving & doing.    That's not easy, in fact it's one of the hardest things ever, after you come out of the " drug haze".  To me , it feels like a Toddler, learning to walk  !  We will get there, though !  Baby steps.

 

Love,   Ali.

[freespirit]

I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement Tilly. I know this will sound odd about my loneliness...but it doesn't bother me being alone in many respects. In fact, I do alone a little too well. What does bother me though are the feelings that I have about loneliness arising...I think shame would describe what I feel about being lonely. There's a lot of self-judgment about loneliness being there..and I haven't as yet, been able to let that part go.

 

I know that things aren't meant to make logical sense around grief. But honestly, I was spending more time last year relishing my aloneness and feeling strength in it. Even in the first year alone, I was having more moments of appreciating what time alone was bringing me. But since last Christmas, that's all changed in some ways. In certain respects, this year has been as hard as the first one was..especially around holidays and anniversaries..but minus the level of pain I felt first time around.

 

I've lived alone far more in my life than living with anyone else....so, why so much difficulty now??? I'm sure that some of it is neuro-emotion, but not all of it. I'm doing my best to fill my time with what makes me happy, even at the expense of dropping a lot of things part of me feels I ought to be doing...but at the moment, none of those positive things holds for more than a short time...which is also different for me.

 

Do let me know how things go with the Shiatsu massage back massager..and also the CoQ 10. Do you experience any side effects with taking it?  For me, I get strange head sensations, so decided to take it later in the day..meaning, I'm sleeping through part of that time...but it also seems to be a bit energizing, so I might have to try taking it a bit earlier. I have a 2 month supply, if I stay at the current dose..and I intend to try it for at least that long, barring any problems with taking it.

 

It sound like you've got a very thorough list of things to do to take care of yourself. I do believe that in nearly every respect, we need to be our own healers through this.

 

I did draw a mandala yesterday and found it to be quite satisfying. I'll do my best to continue with that...part of it for me is finding the best time of day for each of the activities I want to engage in..and since everything seems to change on a daily basis, it's always different. I tend to think I'll save certain things for the evening, but I'm often too tired then...I'm still adjusting to the waning light/shortening days.

 

Take good care of yourself while you're on your break....see you again soon.

[freespirit]

Sheet....... free, it does hit, doesn't it?  I found myself whimpering on the garage steps with a cigarette in the early morn the other day.  Whimpering.

 

 

Yes, it definitely does MMT....I've whimpered nearly everywhere, minus the cigarette though!

 

In some ways, I miss being able to cry in the way that I used to...now, the sadness lingers there close the surface..with few ways to release it. It now seems to take something more dramatic for the tears to actually come out.

 

Good luck with the quilt...wish I had some sewing abilities....seems like a good therapeutic thing to do..especially over the winter.

[freespirit]

  Free,

 

 I'm so sorry that you're doing it " tough", at the moment !    I can relate to so much , of the same.  Re :  Chiropractic  -  I've never been in so much pain., as when I was going to a Chiropractor.    My " relief" came with massage ( deep , therapeutic. ), and Yoga.  Also weight training .more on that later. 

 

I can empathize , with your " alone " feelings. I have them as well, and I'm " surrounded " by people !   " Weary of feeling the same emotions. ".  So , get that !  Don't feel alone , Free.  I think , a lot of us are going through this, either from the " drugs", or from what led us to the drugs, in the first place.  The end result, is similar, I think . We have to find " new " ways, of thinking , feeling , being, loving & doing.    That's not easy, in fact it's one of the hardest things ever, after you come out of the " drug haze".  To me , it feels like a Toddler, learning to walk  !  We will get there, though !  Baby steps.

 

Love,   Ali.

 

Hi Ali,

 

Was it the adjustments that were painful with the chiro? The woman I see does a lot of fascial release, and that's the part that I find leaves me feeling like I've been hit by a mack truck. The soreness lingered about 3 days this time...but that isn't even the part I find most problematic...it's more the emotions that are stirred up each time. Some of that is interpersonal too....oh the lovely legacy that trauma leaves a person with. I even feel willing to go through that, if I feel better afterwards....but that hasn't yet happened.

 

I can't really do deep tissue massage..it tends to just make my body push back and get even tighter. Tell me about the weight training you've done..I'm interested. I don't want to go to a gym, but if there are things I could do at home, I'd consider it...weight training seems a bit boring to me...but it's been decades since I've done any.

 

I've made a couple of new friends recently...and with them, like with seeing the chiro, I tend to come away feeling even more lonely. I have that with old friends at times too, but not as intensely and not all the time. Then I get caught into wondering if there's any "solution" for the loneliness...if being with people makes me feel worse!

 

On a more positive note, yesterday I rode my 26 km training without stopping...well, except for those pesky stop signs..at which I did more of a rolling stop. Usually, I take a break halfway through for water and a bite of something...I felt that was a pretty big accomplishment to not need the break. In the past 4 weeks, I've racked up 280 km. on my bike..and not counting the few times I've ridden the indoor one. I'll be wearing out my tires pretty soon. I'm so missing my rides along the river these days. I read somewhere that you can put a rock in a tin can and tie it to your bike..to warn the bears you're coming. I'm still too nervous to go back there right now...so, the tour is through neighborhoods I could never afford to live in..talk about feeding the "don't belong" vibes...

[AliG]

 Hi Free,

 

I've been up all night with not a wink , of sleep , so forgive me if I'm a bit " cuckoo". at the moment !  LOL.          With the " chiro", I just seemed to get sorer, each visit.  Each one compounding , the other,  towards more & more  pain !  Ad infinitum !

 

When it turned around for me , was  ( as I alluded to  before,)   when I started  " Pump" ( weight training, to music .)   My back , got stronger. In fact, everything got stronger, and I haven't looked back !    I have no pain, at all  anymore .  No back pain, no knee pain, no joint pain,  nil , nada !!   All gone !   . 

 

As I have said to my  daughter, who is resistant to it  & I'm trying to get her interested.is , It keeps you strong & young  !  If I had not been doing this, I would be a  "not so good " unit, for want of a better term !  LOL) !   Luckily, I have been doing this for 15 years . I think  it is what has saved me,  a bit  ( lot) ,  physically .  I highly recommend it, to anyone !  I had a " bone density test " done recently  , and it came back that I had  the same as a 25 year old !   All due to , the weight training  !  I think you should try it , Free,  and anyone else here. 

 

I used to have real back problems .  Now gone.  In fact I have a  " condition"  which doesn't bother me, at all ! 

 

Just some thoughts.

 

Ali.

[freespirit]

That's amazing Ali..sounds like weight training has really been beneficial for you. I'll think about it for sure...but I am definitely not into going to a gym. I'm still avoiding the pool at the moment...it's the people thing unfortunately. When I'm irritable as I have been off and on lately, there's no knowing what I might get mad about (and regret) in a public place! One of my friends bought a Bowflex last year and finds she hardly uses it. I'll start looking around for what I can get used or maybe start with some free weights...but power lifting??

Qi gong has built a lot of strength for me, as well as huge benefits in flexibility. The flowing movements are only 1 part of the practice..there is also a lot of stretching (while moving, which is different than yoga), and things that help build internal power. But unlike most of the strength training in the west, it's more a feeling of relaxed power. My lung capacity has doubled since I started doing it..

[JanCarol]

Hey Free, you wrote:

 

There have been a number of times through my life, when I've been going through very deep changes, where dreams just disappear for awhile. Carl Jung said of these times that "the unconscious is searching for new symbols". The only dreams I've remembered in this past year have been about my wife...and I think there have been maybe 4 or so in that time period. Absolutely nothing else besides that....not even a fragment of something. My unconscious must be stumped on trying to find those new symbols! lol.

 

It sounds like your dreams are still working on your grief - at a deep level that you cannot quite reach.

 

Your little mind machine sounds fun.  I always wanted one of those, but could never find it in the budget to buy a brain toy like that!  (and yet, I have my bio-tuner, which I love, now - and I'd love to combine the bio-tuner with some visuals and sound, just to see what that is like)

 

As for Zentangles, I get anxious about art and drawing.  But I love to play with color, so I let someone else draw the mandalas, and focus my mindfulness on getting the colors smooth and complimentary, etc.  You know the gig (sometimes they aren't even mandalas!):  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8666-art-therapy-mandala-circles-adult-coloring-books-etc/

 

I always enjoy reading your thread.  I hope you see the sun today - or at least take in some lumens from it!  

[AliG]

 Free,

 

I am yet to get into the Qi gong.  However after today, I think I need to.  Does it help with the "  irritability" , that you spoke of.  I'm so angry and irritable, tonight, I'm  just beside myself .

 

I will have to look into it .  I definitely need something !   " Relaxed  power", sounds good right now.

 

Hugs,

 

Ali.

[freespirit]

JC, I'm happy report that I'm remembering a few dreams right now...maybe it's partly because I'm doing some art??? I did my own mandalas for years, so no longer have anxiety about those. There's something about creating the circle that helps with that. I did also buy a mandala coloring book though, for times I don't feel like drawing my own. I haven't yet started with that, but with a rainy weekend in store, I might get to it.

 

Ali, qi gong can definitely help with soothing the nervous system and relieving some of the irritability. When things are tough, I'll do some several times a day. Even doing that 7 minute one a couple of times makes a difference. As I've said before, it interrupted a decades long pattern of insomnia. After 3 days of doing the 7 minute one, I started sleeping through the night and feeling rested in a way I maybe never had before. WD has sometimes thrown a wrench into the sleeping, but not to the same degree as many people on the board. Give that one a try..and if you want recommendations of something to buy, I'm happy to talk about the different dvd's that I have.

[freespirit]

I seem to be alternating waves and windows every other day. Yesterday was pretty good. I went for a long bike ride early in the AM...think long underwear kind of riding. It was chilly, but sunny. It really isn't that cold temp wise, but in the shade the the breeze that's created when going faster...well, it feels much colder than it is.

 

I tried to not think too much about having a doctors visit in the PM. This time, he was much more personable..I was in a good mood, which helped. I showed him my diabetes blood work for the past 5 years, which he was quite astonished by. Without a question, he wrote new orders, meaning I only have to go every 6 months now. I asked him to add screening for my kidneys and again no argument. We had a short conversation about cycling, since I've heard he's also an enthusiast. Left with my script for thyroid meds and for once, still in a good mood. I actually felt a tiny bit hopeful that having him as doc might be at least a bit better than my past experiences with doctors.

 

I did not take a CoQ10 yesterday. My blood pressure was way high at the doctor's office and I wondered if the supplement was the cause. I have had a headache/pressure in my head since I started taking them last weekend...but they seemed to be helping in other ways. Still, I didn't sleep well last night..and now am wondering, if the B12, which seemed fine at first, is the culprit. I took only 1/2 pill this morning and will see how this goes. I've divided the CoQ10 into 1/4 dose and will see how that goes. I think they were helping some with pain.

 

Had a 2 hour walk and coffee with a friend this morning...we talked a lot about feeling like neither of us belongs where we live..and what to do about it. While it helps not feeling alone with feeling alone...I feel no further ahead in my decision-making about where to go from here.

 

My back hurt through a good share of the walk, but not as bad as sometimes...still, it's becoming old news. I only wish I knew if there was something that could help or if I'm doing something that's making worse. Is it diet, activity, or what? The x-ray showed there is only very minimal arthritis in that area. I have considered an excellent cranial therapist I worked with after my MVA...but she's a 2 hour drive away. Sitting in the car for 4 hours around a treatment isn't ideal...but maybe I'll give it a try at some point. Stretching a couple of times a day does make it more tolerable.

 

My mood so far today is sort of middle of the road. I'll take that anytime, over feeling like I have through part of this week....this afternoon will most likely contain a nap, some chores around the house..and a lot of qi gong.

[freespirit]

I had a very emotional evening after I posted this a few days ago. I slept for 4 hours and then woke up at 2 AM...while I attempted to rest and meditate, my mood just got worse and worse...and continued in that way as the day went on. I haven't had a day that intense for a long time. Made the decision to stop the Vit B12 and the CoQ10.. I don't know if either of those was contributing to what was going on or not. But I suspect one or both is affecting blood sugar, which affects everything from mood to pain levels.

 

I did no qi gong, riding, or walking...but a short meditation in the afternoon, which did nothing to help my mood. In fact, I got up from it and started crying. There were a couple of incessant things looping over and over through my mind. I eventually was able to distract myself with TV and then went to bed. 

 

Last night was a much better rest, so I woke up in a more reasonable frame of mind. It helps that today is a sunny one...and I was able to go for a nice bike ride this afternoon.

 

While I complained about all the work staining and such over the summer, it did help feeling I was accomplishing something. I'm at a kind of in-between place at the moment, where I'm not sure what comes next. I've done a bit of paid work over the past week, but not enough to really make it feeling like I'm working. I did a lot of promotion of my work last year, but nothing really came of it. Not sure what would help in that regard...but I do think I'd feel a bit better if I was working more....being self-employed makes things easier around setting my own schedule, but not so easy in terms of generating the work. 

 

My back hasn't been as sore the past 2 days. Less pain in general. But I'm also feeling less energetic minus those 2 supplements.

[UselessSpork]

Sorry things are kinda crappy for you at the moment ): at least you arent alone! Like you said in my thread its always hard to tell if a supplement or... food is helping or not. but i think its worth a try to stop your b12 and CoQ10 and see how things pan out. I found that B vitamins and alot of supplements were triggering for me so i pretty much take nothing nowadays.. i also sort of avoiding eating somewhat out of fear of a reaction. i say give it a week or 2 and see how you feel.

 

today was similar to your day, where my mood just kept getting worse and worse. i tried deep breathing i tried exercising a few times i even hung out with a friend and play video games for a while. nothing seemed to worked long term, very short term they seemed to help but in the end i escalated into an awful state of anxiety/depression. it feels like i was just dousing the fire a bit only to have it keep flaring up. dont feel bad about not doing anything today... sometimes literally nothing helps and you just need to ride it out.. as horrible as it is. i have had days like today where i try everything and nothing helps, and then other days where i sit on my ass and do nothing all day and eat junk and i feel fine.

 

good on your for doing any kind of work during this. its tough, so give yourself a pat

[AliG]

 Hi Free,

 

Sorry that you're going through a particularly rough patch.  Sometimes , no matter how hard you try, a low mood will not shift. You have to " ride it out " as U.S said. I have found that. I'm cycling through " windows & waves" rapidly as well. I have been , for a while. I, try to see it as healing.  

 

The supplements , can be tricky, particularly the B vitamins. When I get back from this trip, I'm going to try " brewers yeast".  It's full of B, but a more natural form. We'll see.  I hope this " Doc" works out , for you.   . 

 

Glad , you're feeling a little better.

 

Hugs,   

 

Ali.

[freespirit]

Thanks US and Ali for your thoughts...I still find it hard to know when it's best to just allow things as they are..and when it's better to do something to shift them. I can live with the emotions okay..it's the thoughts that come with them that are harder for me to navigate without getting caught in them.

 

Today was the day I could have gone to my friend's place to do some art. But after wandering around this morning swearing my head off when I couldn't find my ipod for exercise, I decided that I wasn't really fit for human companionship. My cats would probably let you know I wasn't so great for felines either. One of my cats does an extraordinary amount of whining and needs more attention than a kid with ADHD. I love him to bits..but sometimes, the whining gets on my nerves. Like this morning, 5 minutes into my qi gong and off he goes. He had food, had been outside, and already had cuddles....if I knew what he needed, it would be a little easier.

 

I ended up riding indoors, because it was pouring this morning. I did qi gong first, then stretched after...and I went for a walk at the beach after lunch. The walking part was nice, but I'm super irritable about sound and people in general. A quick trip to the library to pick up a book on mandalas, then straight home. Now the sun is shining and I wish I hadn't already ridden..maybe just a short ride through my neighborhood after dinner.

 

While a lot of this could be WD...it's also very much how I felt when grieving. My moods shifted rapidly from one emotion to another..and I was very irritable, particularly when I went out somewhere. The only difference now is that I have more physical stuff than I did then...

 

I'm considering a trip to the naturopath for IV vitamins. I think the last one I had was in the spring. In the past it has helped both physically and emotionally. At least I've never felt worse for having them and I think only once, felt no benefit. Definitely staying away from any other kind of treatments for the time being. I don't know that I can blame this wave on acupuncture or chiropractic...this all might have happened anyway. But with things being what they are...well, I don't want to stir things up any further.

 

I've taken a B complex off and on all the way through wd...and no problems. But maybe just b12 is another story. Of course, I could just as well be reacting to something else that's in the supplements, though these are both very good brands....

 

Tomorrow morning is a dental visit..just a check-up thankfully. If the weather is nice, I might load my bike onto the car..for a ride in a different locale. I'll at least walk while I'm up there...in a place I've always loved. Of course, the salmon run is happening up there too and there are likely bears in that area as well.

[Hibari]

Hi Free,

 

I'm sorry you are going through and I know how frustrating it can be to not "know" exactly what is going on at any one given time.   I too have struggle with rumination and at those times I just want distraction without the effort.  

 

I hear how much you are sorting through and I'm wondering if the acupuncture triggered a cleansing reaction in your liver?  I know I get very emotional when that point has been stimulated.

 

Hang in there Free, you deserve all good things in mind, body and spirit.

 

H

[freespirit]

I appreciate your input Hibari, given your experiences with acupuncture. I don't know if that meridian was stimulated or not during the last treatment. The focus was on balancing yin and yang. Of course, I also have no idea whether the qi gong I've been doing is stirring things up more. In a way, I don't care about knowing exactly what's happening...but more, what is the best way for me to respond to what is occurring.

 

I used to be a strong believer in the idea that things sometimes need to get worse, before they get better. Now, I find that I go back and forth on it. At times, that seems right..and at other times, it seems better to not go looking to stir things up. On both sides, I question whether I'm doing the best possible thing. As in, am I avoiding something...or am I not able to handle things being calmer or better, and hence, end up rocking the boat. There are no simple or easy answers on these things..and I suspect it's possible to have both things in play at the same time. Often, they become more clear in hindsight..but that doesn't always seem to help make current decisions...because everything is always changing.

[freespirit]

Things are continuing on in a similar fashion with waves and windows. Sometimes, it's happening in alternating days. Sometimes, I feel better later in the day. Though I'm sleeping 7 hours most nights, I don't have as much energy these days. Harder to push myself to do things..even going for a bike ride. My mood is somewhat better than it was last week, but also not great. Working hard to keep myself from ruminating on negative things.

 

I have an appt. on Wed for IV vitamins. I'm not expecting it to fix everything, but if it impacts even one aspect of what's going on, I'll be happy with that. I'm going to talk to the naturopath about my mood--there may be some homeopathy that will be useful for that part too. In general, I feel better just from talking to him. While he's not an expert on WD, he's a good listener and trusts what I tell him about my experiences.

 

I sort of realized that I can't really keep eating as low on carbs as I have been, and expect to be able to exercise in the ways I want to. I've made a slight increase in grains and my blood sugar seems a bit better for the most part. 

 

Doing a lot of ruminating about work and living situations..not all that helpful at the moment. All I can see is what hasn't worked up to this point. No real idea about the best way to make changes.

[manymoretodays]

Here, here..........on work and living situations too........I don't know that I am ruminating but just shifting gears as to a lot of "I cannots".

 

I think my extra Vit C orally helped with recent virus.......upper respiratiory stuff.......pretty sure it wasn't allergies as my lymph nodes were affected too.  That's cool on the IV Vitamins.......what kind of place does that?  I tried Vit C IV once........a long time back, with the Dr. I see now........who knows for what reason.........I had money and felt sick probably.  And what do you get?  Which Vitamins?

 

You have a beach to walk at?  Oh yeah......I could go back to the resevoir or somewhere else but an Ocean beach???!!!!  Okay......glad you have it.

 

Sounds like decent training and days.  Cats just know when to be needy I have found........they read us.

[freespirit]

Hi MMT,

 

Yes, I've been in the "cannot" as well. I guess that's just part of the process...but not fun when you get stuck there.

 

It's the naturopath that gives IV vitamins...called Meyer's cocktail. He adjusts what's in it, depending on my symptoms. But typically, it has C and B vitamins, magnesium, zinc. Since I can't tolerate mag supplements, this is a good way for me to get that. I had them almost monthly last winter and through a couple of other dark seasons. I find them very beneficial.

 

Definitely is a plus having a beach to walk at. This time of year, it's nearly deserted a lot of the time.

 

This morning, I decided to try a different routine. Qi gong and meditation as soon as I got up for half hour...less time at the computer. I was cleaning my house by 7:30, doing laundry, etc. With lunch over, planning to head out for a ride...considering the "bear" trail as an option.

 

I found out that the qi gong teacher training I've been looking at for some time is available through private Skype sessions. It would actually be quite a bit cheaper for me than traveling to the states to do it. I'm considering it and will talk it over with the career counselor I think. I know I'd love doing the training..the question for me is whether it's something I can make a little money doing...and that would influence where I'd end up moving to as well. Needs to be a place where there would be enough interest in it.

[dalsaan]

Hi Freespirit,

 

I'm wondering if you could think about it in terms of groups who you might be able to get interested rather than places where there is already an interest (and perhaps more competition).   For example, I think this would be great for elderly people - helps with moods, strengthens body and core, provides the opportunity for participation with others.  Elderly people often struggle with depressive symptoms, balance issues and isolation.

 

Just a thought

 

Dalsaan

[freespirit]

Hi Dalsaan,

 

Yes, that makes sense. I wasn't necessarily thinking of a place where there's already a qi gong teacher...though one of the locations I'm considering for other reasons does have someone teaching now. I only see myself working at something for the next 4 or 5 years at most...so other considerations are highly important too...as in, will it be a good place for me for this next phase of my life?

 

I always seem to be drawn to doing things that aren't all that well-known. It means putting a lot of energy into educating people..and not certain I'm up to doing that once again.

 

What's also very important to me is being mindful of the kinds of people I'm interested in working with...and a lot of that has to do with finding people that are a bit more motivated than the average. One of my friends is a cranial practitioner..and she's focused on working with clients who are more interested in the spiritual journey and less on a "fix it" kind of approach. It hasn't been easy for her, but she works more in a way that suits her...rather than trying to slot oneself into somehting that meets the needs of others, but not for yourself.

[dalsaan]

It's great that you know what you want and what you are up for. It might make it harder to find but more satisfying when you do.

 

All the best

 

D x

[Hibari]

Hi Free

 

This journey really pushes things to the surface.  What matters, what doesn't and for me, what I want to give back to the world.

 

I think you have a lot to offer if you were to teach qi gong.  You bring your experience in the practice and from what I have read, lots of other body centric training and awareness.  I think teachers who combine their own self-awareness and training are able to match what their clients need in the moment. 

 

Sounds like something is brewing around the qi gong and that more will be revealed.

 

Wishing you continued healing.

 

H

[freespirit]

Well, this morning, qi gong teaching seems like a dumb idea. I would love to do the training for myself, as I know it would be beneficial and I love learning. However, I'm trying to see how it would be different than anything else I've tried in the past. I'd be up against exactly the same things I've faced in other work that I've done. Teaching classes would be a very limited way to earn any income...one-to-one would be possible, but there's that thing that most people have zero interest in doing anything that requires a bit of effort on their part. I'm tired of carrying people along..been there, done that.

 

I've made an appt. to see the career counselor again next week. I'll talk through the qi gong training with her, as well as exploring other options. Who would have thought I'd still, at age 60, be trying to figure out what to do when I grow up. I've joked with friends that I hope I get that settled before my time runs out. This, like a lot of the other things rolling around, is such old news.

 

Had my meyer's yesterday and definitely felt some physical benefit. Pain has eased off, had more energy yesterday, and had a period of time of full well-being. He also gave me homeopathy for the liver. From a Chinese medicine perspective, when liver energy is out of balance you see things like: low energy, difficulty making decisions, depression, frustration, increased pain, blood sugar issues, trouble relaxing, and tight muscles. I'm experiencing every one of them right now. This is a remedy I had last year and it definitely helped..here's hoping it does again.

 

I chose to take a bike ride at the "bear" trail yesterday. No bears though..just a couple of people on bikes and a lot of birds. Though I wasn't totally relaxed, it was nicer riding in nature rather than looking at expensive houses. I rode at a good pace and felt much better afterwards. I did my evening walk again too, where I'm now going on the trails through the woods. I've been missing feeling closer to nature. The beach walks are nice, but the road is very close by, so it's seldom quiet down there.

 

It's been months since I've been to the swimming pool. I miss swimming for sure and also, sitting in the hot tub. Just can't quite convince myself to go...given that level of irritability I feel. When I'm cranky, nearly everything about being at the public pool sets me off. For now, I'll stick with biking and walking.

[manymoretodays]

Oh.....I hear you sweetie.........I am in my "sweetie" mode I guess.........sooooooo feeling my barely 58 years.

 

The swim and sauna were grand(hot tub too)......really.  I was a bit thrown by the sheer volume of early morn peeps all energy packed into the facility that I go to........but then I literally had the pool to myself briefly, with just a handful of others later.........friendly natives though.  They were giving away free samples of liquid greens and berries on my way out too.......not too sure about the stuff but I tried some greens and have several "to go" packets for later consumption.

 

I know.  Exactly.  On heading in to see a "non career......for me......job counselor".  I'll decide after my nap.  LOL.

 

I just want my cold to clear.........for now.........it hasn't even been a week yet though with symptoms and soooo........I expect at least another 5 days or so of cautious self care. 

 

Hoping to clear some of the clearance I need to do.......mostly papers again.........and then really want to get to an evening Yoga to end today with.  Nothing back from my message left with possible Yoga teacher training thing.  I will try an e-mail next.  But it's pricey and would be all I would be able to do and I really can't afford it without some extra income right now.  So back to the "non career" money making brainstorming........

 

You sound good.  Keep up the good work and healing.  Training.  Nature.  As will I.

[freespirit]

Thanks MMT. I don't feel all that good, but admit that it's difficult to have perspective from the inside of this current wave.

 

I'd settle for a job too. I've stopped caring about a career. Just need a way to bring in some money. Problem is, I've done such non-traditional training and work in my life...it's doesn't really add up to a job. If I was doing better physically, I'd consider cleaning houses a couple of days a week.

 

It sounds like we're in a similar boat with training we'd both like to do. I don't have the extra money to do it, without having something coming in....still, people have at least heard of yoga. Would you like to teach it, or are you looking at it more as something to do for yourself? Qi gong is not very well known.

 

After my cat waking me once again in the middle of the night, I've decided that he'll be spending the night in the screened porch from now on. I've put a heated bed out there for him and he'll be safe. Hopefully, he doesn't yowl to get in. He's been getting me up earlier and earlier every night. This morning it was 3 and I never went back to sleep....lack of rest is not helping my mood.

 

I spent some time this afternoon going through a box of my wife's photos. Most of them were of people I didn't know..some of her family. I got rid of nearly all of them. I'm not sure why I take on these kinds of jobs when I'm at an emotional low, but it's a pattern. Maybe underneath I think that some measure of letting go will help something. Still another box left to go, and some paperwork. It's painful unraveling someone's life, someone that you cared so much for. It makes me wonder who will be doing that for me one day. It makes me want to pare my belongings down to almost nothing...so that someone else isn't faced with the tasks I've been doing for the past few years.

[Tilly]

Hi Free,

 

I'm so sorry to hear of your recent wave. I hope that it abates very soon.

 

Non traditional training has positives as you can meet the needs of a niche market. I know this from my own experience. Try to consider your options at a later date when you have the energy to give to this task.

 

In the meantime, get plenty of rest and nurture yourself through this wave as best you can.

 

I have memory boxes of letters, photographs and my journals. I tend to explore them at positive times and during lows for different reasons. There is always something of benefit that I get from this process. An uplifting, reinforcement, acceptance of loss or shedding of pain. I don't always understand the purpose at the time, but often do in retrospect. Give yourself time and permission to not understand this exploration right now. Allow it to become clear as and when it needs to.

 

I too have a demanding kitty among my brood and have employed similar techniques as you recently in order to retrain behaviour and avoid jarring during a low ebb. All will be well with our feline companions, of this I am certain

 

Be kind to yourself lovely. You are in my thoughts as always. We are doing the best that we can and progress can not always be seen in the present, but viewed more clearly retrospectively.

 

Love and hugs to you, you beautiful spirit and wonderful woman.

 

Tilly x