YammySteph: hello, here is my introduction!

[YammySteph]

Hi guys,

 

Here is a little about me:

I’ve been on antidepressants most my life. I didn’t have a good childhood and I thought these pills were the godsend answers we all wanted. I thought antidepressants were equivalent to insulin to diabetics. I honestly felt the worst on my concoction of pills. I was on something like 600mg of Seroquel XR, Valium, and something else to “help” the Seroquel. I felt more suicidal. I was put into a psych hospital for a week and I met a doctor who told me that my problem is hypothyroidism. He said so many doctors will overlook this one and go straight to psych meds. I got my blood checked and it showed I had low T3 and T4 cells. Pretty much that I do have hypothyroidism. I wanted to thank him the next day, but I found out he was “let go”.

 

I had to do mandatory therapy (well they said it was mandatory, I don’t know if that was a lie) and DBT and CPT was great. I really enjoyed it. Well after I graduated, my therapist said I was cleared of everything. I still followed up with my psychiatrist for meds. She was gone on maternity leave and a younger male psychiatrist filled in for her. Before she left, we were tapering my meds. Now I didn’t know antidepressants caused withdrawals. I thought it would be like birth control where if I stopped, things would adjust back to my normal self. Well I reduced Celexa from 60mg to 50mg, reduces Lamictal, got rid of Abilify and Prazosin. I got super sick around 4 days but I didn’t have a fever. I also felt much more strange. Everywhere in my body hurt from each hair follicle to a single cell. It was the strangest pain and honestly I was ready to die. I couldn’t think of what would get me sick. My husband and I ate the same food and nothing changed except my medication reduction. Could that be it? One google search and wow. What is this “SSRI withdrawal”? There was so much about the world of antidepressants. From money to politics to health to bribery to black mail to media, antidepressants are a huge commodity. I saw both the pros and cons, the light and the dark. 

 

I was angry. I was angry at myself, the (American) medical system, and having withdrawals while finding this out sucked. Sucked super bad. I didn’t know the chemical imbalance was marketing plan. I totally fell for it. Never in my life once have I ever gotten a test done to show what my imbalances are. If a test even exists. I went back for a follow up at the mental health clinic I was assigned to after the week hospital stay and saw the fill-in while my main psychiatrist was away on maternity leave. I asked him, “how come no doctor ever in my life, ever told me about the pros and cons of antidepressants? Why did they just feed it to me?” And he replied, “each doctor has their own ethics.” And I said, “so I’m going to be possibly stuck feeling sick from withdrawals the rest of my life?” And he replied, “You’re going to be stuck with depression for the rest of your life.” He said it in a tone where he was getting angry. He then commented how I’m probably going to need medication for the rest of my life. At this moment, I knew things were bad. I got myself into a huge mess. And no doctor was on my side. Thats when I started to google everything. I even came across this site and some others too. A lot actually. I started to taper on my own following guides. As a matter of fact, I hate to say this because pharmaceuticals is a touchy subject, but I have gotten better and throuough advice from people online rather than my local health professionals. People online have given me better advice than licensed doctors....I’ve single handily experienced incompetent doctors and now I feel ‘trained’ that I just cannot trust American doctors with my mental health anymore. I’m afraid anything I say they will use against me. That my withdrawals are my symptoms coming back or my withdrawals are helping “new” underlying mental problems appear.

 

I remember when I was 19 or 20, a psychiatrist was diagnosing me and finding pills using some app on an iPad. No blood test or brain scan. No science. Not even using the DSM. Just a free iPad app anyone can download. 

 

Let me wrap this up. I honestly abused antidepressants for 5 years. I would stub my toe, get mad, make an appointment, get a new drug or increase dose or both. I literally thought antidepressants were magic. I felt the worst in those 5 years. I was so cloudy, depressed, a huge mess. I thought this was normal and it’s the “depression” as my doctors would call it. After the fiasco of finding out about withdrawals, I was more than ready to stop. I tapered too fast. Celexa was the most difficult. I started tapering Celexa in April 2017 and stopped my final dose on Dec 2017. Celexa has given me the worst withdrawals. I lost my job due to constantly feeling ill and hallucinating/dreaming. I can’t do basic functions such as math so finding a retail job isn’t doable right now. My speech isn’t the same and I have a more difficult time with vocabulary. My stomach will cramp and I will get nauseous. When I do, I hallucinate like I am having a psychedelic trip on a substance. I recently found out that me “dreaming” while I’m awake is called derealization. I gave myself an injury because I felt like i was floating and dreaming, which ended up costing me a trip to the ER. I had the “lol so what? ;p” mentality. Now I have permanent ugly scars that remind me of this everyday. 

 

I deal with mental struggles because I had a bad childhood. That’s a given and that’s life. But I felt that was an excuse to give me all these labels and load me up on pills. And an excuse on my part. I do believe my health now is me “reaping what I sowed” because I did go to the doctors like it was a candy store. Both doctors and myself are to blame. I was ignorant and naive and I followed the crowd and I am literally reaping what I sowed. 

 

Pharmaceuticals is a touchy subject and I just want to be good terms. I’ve been called out saying that I’m ignorant for labeling antidepressants as crap as it has helped some people. A gal I grew up with is becoming a nurse and asked people’s opinion on Big Pharma, mainly opiates. As a matter of fact, she didn’t know antidepressants were part of “Big Pharma”. So I left a comment (Facebook) about how she should look into antidepressants as well. Another girl I grew up with whom is also becoming a nurse told me it’s ignorant and wrong of me to say that as it helps her with her chemical imbalance. She then proceeded to say and that you can find depression with brainscans and what not. And then linked a bunch of articles. I decided not to argue becaue she’s learning to become a nurse. I feel that’s like me joining the NRA and my husband trying to tell me guns are bad. In other words, I was walking into a lost battle.

 

With that, I was asked to write an introduction. I know antidepressants are touchy so I won’t argue with anyone whether they’re good or bad. Like DBT and CPT taught me, to each their own. I don’t mean to offend anyone with this as this is my personal story. Currently, I am on the road to recovery. Some days are okay and some days are not. 

 

Thank you for taking your time to read this. 

 

 

[ChessieCat]

Hi YammySteph and welcome to SA,

 

Thank you for taking the time to share your story.

 

We ask all members to create a drug signature.  Please keep it simple, just date drug dose, no symptoms or diagnoses.  Thank you.

 

A request: Would you summarize your history in a signature - ALL drugs, doses, dates, and discontinuations & reinstatements, in the last 12-24 months particularly?

• Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses.
• A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 

• Any drugs prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years.
• Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago)
• Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016.
• Link to Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

This is your own Introduction topic where you can ask questions and journal your progress.

[YammySteph]

Update about sleep:

Since I started tapering in April 2017, my sleep has been off. When I fully stopped in December 2017, I noticed my sleep is just. Shot. I can sleep 4-6 hours and be completely fine. Never in my life have I been able to get such a short amount of sleep. Not as a kid and def not in the military. I can go to bed at 2am and wake up at 6am now ready to do push ups and “go to war”. I used to need 7-9 hours. And I would still wake up groggy. The regular sleepy groggy that all humans have. I haven’t felt groggy since December. 

 

I’m frustrated because I know this isn’t natural of my body clock and it’s frustrauting not being able to sleep in with my spouse or ever at all. I feel fine though. I don’t crash during the day. When I was up, everything feels off. Because I’m not groggy. I’m just awake. There is no transition on me slowly waking up and opening my eyes anymore. I wake up completely in full burst ready for war. 

 

Sometimes I feel like I developed a powerful sleep habit that our military would pay billions to study on so they can have the power I have (my delusions and derealization kick in here). I’m not sure if this is a blessing in disguise or I’m hurting myself further by not sleeping as much. I’m not sure if I should wake up frustrated and worry if I’m not sleeping enough. Or that I should jump right out of bed, do push ups since exercising is good for you and be fortunate I am now lucky I don’t have sleep as much as the rest of the country? I feel that people that work a lot would love my ability. Although this ability came from abusing chemicals (antidepressants). 

 

I’ve tried googling this for awhile using different words and sentace structures. I wanted to figure this out on my own. I could not find one bit on anyone like me. I know people can develop insomnia but I’m not sure I have that since I can wake up more than normal with just a short amount of sleep rather than not sleep. 

[YammySteph]

I’ve been struggling to sleep in because I always feel “shot out of a cannon” due to anxiety in the morning, as someone stated on this site as well, and I want to say it’s related to cortisol. I’m still doing research and it’s tough with my mental coordination. I picked up some “Adrenal Health” on Amazon and while reading the comments, someone mentioned there was no dehydrated cortisol, thus giving it a one star. But others rated it well. I got it and tried it and although it’s only been two days, I’m still waking up ready to run a mile with full blown anxiety. If anyone has any tips and reads/studies on dehydrated cortisol or any supplement recommendation for cortisol, that would be appreciative! It would cut down my research time haha. I just want to point out that a lot of times when I Google my issues, it always says I’m pregnant and I’m 120% sure I’m not. I was reading  this thread and it def had some helpful reads which I’ve been using as a backbone of research today (That’s also where I got the quote from someone).

I also want to mention that my biggest challenge after WD are my GI tract. Like my entire stomach and intestines. It’s a severe form of IBS is the best way I can describe it. TMI but the only kind of BM I have is diarrhea. It’s never solid. I also have chronic pain in my stomach daily caused by indigestion, acid reflux, inflammation, gas (gas is the worst cause it’s your gut AND intestines), and stress. These don’t happen all at once (or maybe they do?) but it’s an everyday struggle which prevents me from having any quality of life such as working or going out. To help symptoms, I’ve been using IBGard and Iberogast. So far those have been helpful. 

 

Im slowly getting back on my feet. Slowly but surly. I need to get my morning anxiety under control and then my GI pain. Once I get those two under control, I should be able to go back working. So in summary, I don’t think WD caused me to be a “super soilder”, but it possibly might have hurt my natural cortisol production. 

 

[Gridley]

Altostrata, the site's founder, recommends against taking adrenal supplements.  I couldn't pick up the link so just copied the post:

Posted February 17, 2014

"If you have anxiety, panic, agitation, nervousness, or disrupted sleep, do not take anything to stimulate the adrenals. They are already working overtime.

 

Much of what you read about alternative treatments will not apply if you are suffering from withdrawal. Withdrawal syndrome makes your nervous system hypersensitive. Be very cautious about herbs and supplements of any type."

 

 

I would also be leery of cortisol-control supplements such as Enorphos phosphoserine.  

 

I'm sorry about your IBS problems.  Are you avoiding gas-producing foods like cabbage?

 

Abdominal pain, diarrhea and bloating are common withdrawal symptoms.  See:

 

Glenmullen’s withdrawal symptom list.

 

 

[YammySteph]

Awesome post! Thanks I appreciate it. You know, I’m not sure if I’m having full blown WD. I figured the chemicals were out of my system by now (stopped everything in December 2017, mainly Celexa, so roughly 4 months) although I still have the same reoccurring issues such as GI, foggy head, derealization, etc. I figured my body is trying to re-up it’s self on natural productions. 

 

Edit: I know WD means your body still wants the drug and I most definetly can feel it. I’m having trouble wording this haha, I apologize! I’m trying to say that I think the chemicals are out and my body is trying to “get back to normal”. I might have many months to years (we will find out) but I was concerned about the adrenal glands. I know Alostrata doesn’t recommend them while having WD as you said and I totally agree with her. I just thought I’m in the clear to start. I hope I made that easy to understand lol.

 

 

 

[Gridley]

Yammysteph,

 

Yes, your body does want to get back to normal. But it's not a matter of the chemicals being out of your system.  The drugs are out but their effects are not.  AD's are not like other drugs.  They alter the architecture of your brain.  I'm glad you know it will take some time to come to homeostasis.  

 

This link will explain more:

 

Brain Remodelling

[SkyBlue]

10 hours ago, YammySteph said:

I’ve been struggling to sleep in because I always feel “shot out of a cannon” due to anxiety in the morning, as someone stated on this site as well, and I want to say it’s related to cortisol. I’m still doing research and it’s tough with my mental coordination. I picked up some “Adrenal Health” on Amazon and while reading the comments, someone mentioned there was no dehydrated cortisol, thus giving it a one star. But others rated it well. I got it and tried it and although it’s only been two days, I’m still waking up ready to run a mile with full blown anxiety. If anyone has any tips and reads/studies on dehydrated cortisol or any supplement recommendation for cortisol, that would be appreciative! 

 

 

Hi YS... Oh, the being-shot-out-of-a-cannon, yep! It's for sure related to cortisol/adrenaline/stress response, which is hyperactive in withdrawal. 

 

It is such a common withdrawal symptom that there is an entire thread about it: Waking with panic or anxiety -- managing cortisol spikes 

 

As Gridley mentioned, we really don't recommend adrenal supplements. They're either not effective, or worse. (Some adrenal supplements such as licorice root can actually raise blood pressure). 

 

The main way to healing (including cortisol/adrenals) seems to be time and being as gentle as possible with ourselves. 

It can be done!

I used to have the adrenaline awakening every day; it's lessened over time and happens now when I am in a "wave." 

 

 

 

[YammySteph]

Heads up, this is a long one:

 

Thank you all for your excellent answers. I’ve been taking AD longer than I realized the truth of what they’re doing to me. I’ve been scouring this site and I agree that the adrenal supplements are not cut out what I thought they would be. I saw this thread  of some of folks talking about a supplement called, “Phosphatidylserine” or PS and checked that out. I looked online and there was a Seriphos that had 1000mg (InterPlexus) but I wanted to take a 100mg (by Jarrows Formula) just to be sure I could handle it and I did. I still woke up at 4:30am but I was able to fall back asleep.

 

Gridley also totally made my day but reminding me that my brain’s “architecture” isn’t the same. Honestly that deserves a heartfelt thank you because I remember many of us struggle with the after effects of AD. And that’s where it’s gets tricky because I believe many doctors will dismiss the AD withdrawal syndrome, the part where we are still hurt after it’s out of our body. I was creeping on a 2011 thread the other day with a memeber named Dr. Shipko and a conversation between him and Alto were posted. He does not treat patients whom have stopped their AD medication but he does acknowledge the neuro damage (withdrawal syndrome) is there. This thread has a real good quote by Alto: “He [Dr. Shipko] is correct, antidepressant withdrawal syndrome is neurological damage.”. 

 

With that said, I’m not currently taking any more AD, but my brain is still “gimme gimme I don’t want to do this own my own”. I don’t have much support and I really don’t enjoy talking about this but I really want this off my chest. I haven’t seen many of this problem here so I feel a little bit more dread that this could be worse than it is. That said, the only support I have is one person. I don’t have a mom or dad since we all disowned each other due to being abusive and toxic to each other. Growing up, my parents were divorced (mom raised me), did not remarry and only had one kid, me. I never got to know my family on dads side and moms side loathes me (I didn’t come out the way they wanted). So I have zero family on my side. I met my wonderful partner in high school who has been my only support. His family loathes me too and our marriage as well. I have no friends, no clubs or groups, no social media, only my husband. In December when I stopped Celexa, was when I stopped working as well (couldn’t handle WD). Money is now super tight and living paycheck to paycheck. I’m using DBT skills to make smart but unfortunate choices. Ive had to sell many things that I didn’t want to as well as sacrifice luxuries such as basic subscriptions and everyday tasks such as no more buying makeup, no Netflix, no more gardening, and rehoming pets that brought me joy to take care of. I had lizards that helped me pass time but they are technically luxuries I don’t need. The only things we really “splurge” on is supplements. I’m not able to eat well all the time and its super lame with hypoglycemia. When I wake up with an attack, I just eat whatever i think I can stomach to stop the attack. Hours later and it just gets worse and worse. I’m not currently able to drive all the time because I get too much anxiety and I can’t get up due to depression. We haven’t been able to go to the food bank because my husband had to pick up another job when I stopped working and the food banks are not open when he’s off work. I applied for DSHS (food stamps, basic allowance) and we were denied for everything since his income is too much (it’s really not...). My husband thinks maybe if we got divorced, I would be able to qualify for food stamps and get free health insurance. Im not sure because Washington is cracking down on that. I think single adults need to be working to qualify for government assistance and no low income doctor near me will take my issue seriously. I’ve tried. Our insurance is actually just too high right now and the deductibles are not worth it. My partner did the math and It’s actually cheaper to get the fine of having no insurance than being legal and paying for the cheapest state insurance. (We are in Washington state. My husbands 2nd job is delivering pizza and the tips have been saving us to be honest. My previous job was pulling in roughly half our income).

 

The worst part about this is I don’t have my #1 support for this. He’s always gone. I understand why but I just wanted him to be around more while I build new neurons and whatnot. He’s the best help I can get. He’s the best medicine, but I can’t have him. As a matter of fact, I feel like seeing him for only a few hours a week is a “tease” and it I know this isn’t true. It hurts though, and it gives me bad anxiety. He has taken too many PTO’s (paid time offs) at his main job and I get panic attacks when he leaves for work in the morning. To wrap this up, it just hurts to see him only for a few hours so we decided to separate. Not in a bad way, but because our schedules don’t match. My mental health is so fragile right now and in my mind, his work schedule is toxic to me. I support him fully and thank him for his hard work and I most definetly owe him in the future, but i can’t control the petty emotions that AD affected. When he leaves for work, I get a fight or flight response. It’s the same response I got when I felt suicidal on AD (specifically Seroquel XR). 

 

This is actually a good thing because I’m able to recognize what’s bothering me. I use DBT and CPT skills. Before I would just have a panic attack and my partner and I would just be mentally everywhere, both freaking out. Now we’re able to stop, identity, and solve.

 

Living by myself has been better overall because I’m not triggered when he leaves for work. I’ve been putting the phrase, “out of sight, out of mind” on a pedestal for awhile now. 

 

I want to mention that my partner and I are not on bad terms. As a matter of fact, he’s very supportive and we still love each other and hope that this is only temporary. “Durastic times call for durastic measure”. I also know my eating habits are bad and I do what I can. Eating steel cut oats at night helps but when there is less than $50 in our account, things get a little hectic. We have changed HUGE parts of our life to meet economic changes so things are actually running more smoothly than before. I did leave out a lot of fine detail and just wanted to stick with facts in this update.

 

I also just want to forwardly aplogize if any of you have given me recommendations that I have dismissed (by accident!!) as this is still all new info to me. (One was Gridley. I forgot to tell em that I’ve been avoiding gassy foods like broccoli and cabbage.) I really appreciate the articles and explanations as well. Even though some threads were in 2011, it’s all very relevant to me. I am having a difficult time with concentration and sometimes things go over my head when they shouldn’t.

 

I wish I could edit my first post and list my current supplements:

AM: 

• synthroid (hypothyroidism) 25mcg 

• l-methylfolate 2mg (I was tested for having MTHFR Gene. Showed I had the mutation)

PM:

• 200mg HTP5 *

• 400mg EGCG *

• Vitamin D gummy (1000IU)

• fish oil omega3 (2000mg) + 800mgEPA + 600mg DHA

• Magnesium Citrate 400mg

AS NEEDED:

•ibgard 

•Iberogast 

 

* Partner did research and found HTP5 + EGCG combo to supposably help me come off Celexa. I did find some support of it online but it was connected to other substances, not AD. I’ve been feeling okay taking them. These are not scientific articles with no peer review, but I was desperate to feel better.

Blue Light (nsfw)

Healing Well  

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gridley]

Yammysteph,

 

I would be careful with the PS.  I can't locate the post right now, but Brassmonkey (one of our mods) wrote a post not recommending it for those in WD.  I was on it for several months (Enerphos).  It may have helped me a little in the beginning with sleep but it soon stopped having any effect and I stopped it..  

 

Generally be careful with your dosages on supplements as our systems are very sensitized and can't tolerate what others can.  SA isn't big on supplements except for magnesium and omega.  Careful on your magnesium dosage as it can have a laxative effect.   You might want to Google "SurvivingAntidepressants.org HTP5" and also the EGCG to see what other members' experiences have been.

 

It's very good your #1 is supportive.

 

You need to avoid as much stress as you can.

 

Time is the great healer.

 

Gridley

 

 

 

 

[YammySteph]

Thanks you guys for the replies! Again, I want to put out a thank you for all of you guys and helping me out. 

 

Last week I had the best two days - felt more normal than I ever had since a year. Friday and Saturday, I wasn’t as foggy in the head, barely any GI pain, no IBS symptoms, sexual functions came back, reduced anxiety, barely any depression. I felt so normal!!! But the next day, which was Sunday the 13th, was just back to the same old WD self again. Everything is black and grey. I hope I get more good “waves” again. I believe this is a good sign. This my my brain trying to get back on its tracks. I was snooping on “windows and waves” and the fact I tapered way to fast definitely affected me. But this last Friday and Saturday were my first normal days since I started this journey!!! I’m hoping more to come!

 

Right now, I feel my brain and nervous system is on Red Alert from the WD. So, for example, seeing something upsetting like a crying puppy would usually be a level 3. Right now with WD, that crying puppy is now a level 10. I’ve been having intrusive thoughts that have been causing my anxiety to skyrocket. I have anger and rage towards petty things and although I have done DBT and CPT, I was on a good amount of AD while taking those classes. I wasn’t really able to deal with my problems since I was taking AD and thought that would fix my issues. Absolutely wrong. Now I’m trying to use real skills I’ve learned and it’s honestly very difficult and challenging. I can tell myself, “Everything is cool. You’re just recovering” but my brain will still want me to do a panic attack and scream. I used this analogy with my partner: “If you hurt yourself, that area will become inflamed. Your white blood cells will try and kill the enemy.” Just like not being able to control our white blood cells on command, I feel that my brain is just acting up, on command, because of WD. In other words, I feel that I am overreacting due to the real chemical imbalance that AD caused. 

 

With that, I noticed on the thread, Not Investing in Drama - yours or others that sometimes people will become more dramatacised, and I noticed I am super like that in the morning with cortisol spiking. I think I’m okay some mornings and when I blog, I feel like I’m using DBT skills and making improvement, but I’m not sure. I try to avoid activities like that in the morning. 

 

I also wasn’t able to find a clear answer on this so I apologize if this is a very common repeated question. I want to clear this up for future posts, replying, and following directions on this site: What is the correct terminology for withdrawals while tapering/coming off versus withdrawals due to being completely off AD? I am under the impression that withdrawals from being completely off is called, Withdrawal Syndrome while those who are tapering or have just stopped a recent dose is just withdrawal. I apologize for asking reassurance on this so late.

[Gridley]

In my mind, there's no real difference in terms of terminology between WD while tapering and WD once off the drug, though the symptoms may be different, always depending on the individual.  Withdrawal symptoms do continue after "zero" as your body continues to heal.

 

"Withdrawal syndrome" is often used in the context of "protracted withdrawal syndrome" and represents an effort to come to terms with the inconvenient (to the medical community) fact that withdrawal can go on for a long time after the drug is discontinue.  It's an attempt to give a name to something that doctors don't think exists.  The following post is by Altostrata, founder of SA:

 

 

Beyond Meds: Protracted withdrawal from SSRIs and SNRIs antidepressants

 

Also, "waves" are the bad times, "windows" are the comparatively good times.

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

[YammySteph]

My biggest programs currently, is stomach pain and anxiety. When my stomach intensely hurts, I get delusional and crazy. Stomach pain and nausea are an every day battle. It makes me feel like it’s some living creature that I do not want but have to care for:

- I have to care for it. I have to put money that was earned, into it.

- I have to take it everywhere I go.

- I can’t talk ill about it (unless it’s on this site). The answer I will get it, “Awww go to a doctor!” 

- I have to nurture it when it acts up.

- I can’t punish it and tell it to “grow up and act it’s age” or “get over it”.

- I can’t get rid of it. No amount of money can get rid of it.

- I know what the problem is, but I can’t do anything about it (the answer is time). 

 

The intense stomach pain where I start to disassociate does not happen often, maybe a few times a week to once a week, but general pain, cramping, and burning of my stomach and intestines is there daily. There is so much peppermint oil can do. Exercising is terrible. I know exercising can help, but when I start to walk, my body will warm up, perhaps a cold sweat will break out, I’ll start to feel ill like I’ve come down with the flu, I’ll get home, collapse and then struggle with a more inflamed stomach the rest of the day. I struggle drinking water already due to pain and nausea, and with so much diarrhea, it’s inevitable to become dehydrated until my stomach settles down. I have no idea how some of you can work and exercise with WD. It’s honesly something that deserves an award and massive recognition.

 

I have unnessary anxiety that makes me feel like something dreadful is about to happen. I watched a doctumentary about a poisonous jellyfish that can kill you and some patients in the ER reported that symptoms of a poisonous jellyfish sting is a sense of dread - not like you’re going to get fired or you’re naked for your graduation speech. A feeling that you’re cornered and suicide is a positive thought (Just an example). I have never gotten these “dread” feelings in my life until now and I have had a severely abusive lifestyle growing up. I have had feelings of panic and worry, but never dread. I understand I am not a cornered injured gazelle pinned against a lioness. Being anxious all the time affects my everyday life. I always having some nagging feeling when I do anything such as clean or play video games. There is always a “I did something wrong...something is happening...it’s happening...it’s coming. We’re all doomed” and that feeling ruins everything I do.

Anything I do whether cook, clean, shower, relax, even chat with my partner: “Somethings wrong. Somethings wrong. Somethings wrong. Somethings wrong. Somethings wrong. Somethings wrong. You can’t relax, you can’t relax, you can’t relax, somethings coming, somethings happening, feel worried, feel worried, feel worried, feel worried...etc etc”. I can’t stop it. It’s so frustrating but it just won’t stop. 

 

I have not been able to smoke cannabis due to the nausea getting worse. Lately, anything that comes into my mouth makes me want to gag. Whether it be smoke or water. (Cannabis did help with nausea and sleep and I had no negative side effects from it). Lately, I’ve been taking only 2-4 bites of food every few hours to calm the hunger pangs. Eating isn’t as great as it used to be.

 

I know this is all WD. Im having more stress and anxiety than I should, thus, causing anxiety levels to rise and feeling like poop. That in turns affects my GI and makes my stomach hurt. In turn, I’m unable to eat or in pain which makes my anxiety worse, and the cycle continues. 

 

I have stopped taking PS supplements and have increased fish oil and magnesium citrate. I want to say I’ve been feeling more clear headed and stable. I already have bad diarrhea and I’m not sure if it’s mainly the magnesium or just my GI. I’m afraid to stop taking the magnesium as I am pretty desperate to control my anxiety.

 

New symptom today (May 19th): Woke up around 6am for restroom, my head was spinning like I spun in circles (to the left). Woke up around 9am to get up for the day and my head was still spinning. It stopped roughly 10 minutes into fully waking up. A google search showed this was called vertigo. I’ve never experienced my head spin without me physically spinning myself. 

 

Taking more magnesium + fish oil is an improvement. Getting my stomach pain more controlled is the next challenge. I’m getting better. 

 

• Why are antidepressants not concidered, “War on Drugs” in America 2018? They’re being pushed for lots of money getting people extremely sick. We all know pain killers is a good opportunity for profit, but why is antidepressants being left out? 

 

Edit:

• After my battle with American mental health, I don’t feel comfortable saying mental “illness”. Personally I don’t think PTSD is an illness. And with that, a psych clinic diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD and DBT therapy post by Alto). It makes sense, but I am skeptical because it involved no medical testing. I’m not sure if it’s another profit-making technique. Kinda like some astrology guides, “You’re a Gemini because of so and so...etc”. We don’t even know fully about the brain and with this lie of “chemical imbalance”, does “bi-polar” really exist? Or are they just giving us names to put us at ease? BPD makes sense to me but I feel offended someone is going to slap a label on me from a money-making industry. How do you folks feel about the DSM5 and names it gives others?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[YammySteph]

I’m not sure either guys haha. I’ve been trying to find the answer to those last questions but I guess I am stumped as all of you are. 

 

Im sorry if my journal entries are more extreme and longer than others. I figured this forum wanted more details and precise answers but if it’s easier for you all, I will reduce my entries.

[Altostrata]

On 5/3/2018 at 12:11 PM, YammySteph said:

AM: 

• synthroid (hypothyroidism) 25mcg 

• l-methylfolate 2mg (I was tested for having MTHFR Gene. Showed I had the mutation)

PM:

• 200mg HTP5 *

• 400mg EGCG *

• Vitamin D gummy (1000IU)

• fish oil omega3 (2000mg) + 800mgEPA + 600mg DHA

• Magnesium Citrate 400mg

AS NEEDED:

•ibgard 

•Iberogast 

 

YammySteph, have you seen a doctor for your stomach pain? What did you learn?

 

When was the last time your thyroid levels were checked?

 

Has magnesium citrate been helpful? How about the HTP-5 and EGCG?

 

Do your symptoms have any daily pattern? How is your sleep now?

[YammySteph]

Yes, I saw a GI specialist and I was very disappointed with how he reacted. He was fixated on me going back on Celexa and other AD. He avoided the subject of stomach pain and other IBS-like symptoms. He told me that the psychiatrist I was seeing is his “good friend”. He was just too fixated on pro-psychiatry and he also argued with me about my beliefs on AD (My insurance is state/Medicaid so I am severely limited on who I can see).

I checked my thyroid about two months ago along with anemia and diabetes (hypoglycemia symptoms) and everything came back in the normal range. My main health practitioner has told me to continue the thyroid medicine and has offered me anti-anxiety medication - which I denied.

 

HTP5 and EGCG seem to help me stay sane. It keeps the derealization and hallucinating at a low. Magnesium helps a good amount except the diarrhea. 

 

Sleep is okay. I put up curtains on the windows and that seems to be helping. I also use a sleep mask. What wakes me up now is an intrusive thought or anxiety/cortisol spikes.

 

Anxiety is much more of a big issue now. As I write, I am shaking and having many negative intrusive, neuro emotions. I have a feeling anxiety heavily contributes to my GI pain. 

 

[Altostrata]

Magnesium glycinate will be easier on your gut.

 

Please keep daily notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take each supplement, and its dosage. This will help you tell if you're having a bad reaction to anything.

 

Your gut symptoms started when you were in withdrawal? Let's try giving your poor gut a rest. Have you tried a non-irritating diet? It's nothing fancy, basically chicken, rice, mild cooked veggies, oatmeal, broth. Even a week on this might help your gut heal.

 

If I might make a suggestion, you might tell your partner you cherish him even more even though you don't see him much, because he's doing what needs to be done while you're sick. 

 

Hugs and let us know how you're doing.

[YammySteph]

I wanted to wait awhile to give a real update rather than “today I feel...” “today I feel...” “today I feel etc...”. 

 

It’s definitely anxiety. I’ve never had anxiety for no reason so it took me awhile to realize I’m having anxiety and not something else. My gut has gotten better. Stress was playing a part. My partner quit his second job to be with me and it greatly helps. 

 

I had a very bad wave where I was desperate and went to a doctor (I don’t have a PCP or someone who regularly sees me) and since I have Medicaid, I wasn’t able to get a benzo due to low income people abusing it and was given “Propranolol”, an anti anxiety performance drug. Well I took it and I can firmly say it made me suicidal. 

 

I used the texting service for Suicide Prevention and they sent me a link for another provider to help in my local area. There was no one in my area....the texting Suicide Hotline was a flop. I was getting worse and had my partner call the official hotline. They connected him to the clinic who got me hooked on antidepressants and told me that I will have depression the rest of my life and continue to be medicated forever. They’re also the clinic who the state makes you see if you get sent to a psych ward in the area. I have seen this clinic (not sure if names are allowed here) for over a year and they are Big Pharma. The Suicide Hotline connected me to the clinic who gave me iatrogenic drugs. My spouse was connected to a “therapist” who talked to him like he was 3 years old. My partner did not mention that I have been to this clinic, for drama reasons, so when he said “her cortisol is spiking and causing her anxiety” the therapist responded, “Awww I bet that’s making her tummy hurt.” 

 

My spouse said they were using key words and trying to get him to say “yes she’s suicidal” so they can call Crisis Team and “arrest” me (yes, they can arrest you and will read your rights). In other words, they were hungry hyenas looking for prey. If my spouse wasn’t here, I’m not sure if I would be here. From what I gathered, the Suicide Hotline is just a middle-man to connect you to a local resource. Theyre not for everyone unfortunately.

 

Im better now. It definitely was the anti anxiety meds causing me to be suicidal. Someone mentioned that I have all the symptoms of Fibromyalgia, even the sore spots on my back. I remember the clinic that the Suicide Hotline connected me to told me that they don’t recognize Fibromaylagia, but that was over a year ago when I saw them. I disregarded fibromyalgia as a “fake” condition due to what the clinic said but after all this, if they said it’s fake, it could very well be a real condition. I switched clinics and I will talk to another doctor about Fibromyalgia sometime this week.

 

I switched to a Magnesium Glycinate 400mg supplement like Altro suggested. I also have been using a magnesium lotion. My stool is better, but I still have IBS c+d issues. I’m actually feeling way better. I’ve been having more frequent “Windows” and my “waves” are more stable. I’m starting I add in more exercise too. My diet is much better and reducing stress is a must. But the best medicine is time. 

 

 

 

 

[YammySteph]

Oh darn I forgot to add a huge piece of detail...I haven’t had a full night sleep in over 180 days/6 months. I’ve woken up every 2-3 hours every night due to cortisol spikes. No matter what I take, I will never have a full nights sleep. I’m afraid this will end up hurting me in the long run on account humans need sleep and without sleep, it can damage your body. I’ve taken RSO (cannabis), magnesium, fish oil, and Benadryl for sleep and the most anything does is add on another hour of not waking up, if I’m lucky. 

[YammySteph]

Just saw the doctor. She told me I do not have fibromyalgia and that I have anxiety. The anxiety is causing my IBS and stomach pain. I went on my soapbox and didn’t want to take something everyday like a Celexa or Effexor due to withdrawals. I was given some stomach medicine, Loperamide and Dicyclomine and then an anxiety medication: Latuda. When I asked if Latuda was “as needed”, she said no and that I should try it everyday for a month. I did a quick Google search and I’m definitely not going to take Latuda. 

 

She also dismissed cortisol spikes as well as adrenal fatigue. Looking at my summary chart, she labeled me as bipolar today and never once brought up me being bipolar at all. 

[YammySteph]

Saw her again for a "follow up". All I want is a GI & cat scan referral now.

You guys, my gut is KILLING ME. Its my gut, 100% my gut. Its always in pain, rarely okay. BMs are bad. Always sensitive to the touch (inflammation), stinging, slashing, gnawing, punching, cramping, it's like my stomach is committing self-harm on itself. Oh & I've lost my appetite. I've been dropping LBS every week. I was 135 not too long ago, and I am now 120. I no longer feel hungry, only sick-low blood sugar-hungry. I eat once a day - a few bites of dinner with my partner. I could have blockage.

 

Honestly, I'm having the same issue - being treated poorly at a low income clinic. When I saw the PA for the "follow up", she asked if I was taking the Latuda. I said no and she laughed and called me a "silly girl". I told her about the pains & all that, & she will do a referral to a GI. Its been a week. We call everyday both clinics & neither of them have sent it out or received one.

 

As I mentioned when I first created this account, I did not taper correctly. As a matter of fact, my partner tells me that I didn't even taper. I pretty much cold-turkied everything. I cut out 3 things at once at the beginning:  Abilify, Minipress, + Valium & then cut Celexa & Lamotrigine by like 50% all at the same time. & I didn't even taper correctly all the way through. I was too upset & distraught about the lies of the psych system & how much of an narrow-minded ignorant fool I was. This was 100% my own fault.

 

At this point, I don't know the exact culprit. It could be the drugs (inevitable), it could be the drugs + not tapering correctly, it could be something that I was born with or developed on my own, we don't know. It could also be just my whole systems being out of whack so my endocrine, nervous, & GI just are overall not functioning correctly (due to the drugs, or not tapering correctly, here we go in the circle again). Like honestly suffering sucks. I've joined some new support groups and I hate I can take pain & tragedy better than others. Some will taper at 5-10% & say it was just "too much". It makes me jealous that I didn't register how uncomfortable I was and just plowed through with it, perhaps ultimately causing me this suffering.

 

Never in my life, even on addicting drugs, have I felt this raunchy & ill 24/7 like I do now. My feelings have not  changed about AD and they have gotten stronger about being against them, not just what they do to your body, but how doctors, nurses, any medical staff treat them & how they educate with them. I have seen AD ruin peoples lives, more than they're supposed to "help". Honestly, being petty, its a great industry for money. I was a CNA in high school, maybe I'll become a nurse or even a PSYCH & collect that sweet sweet paycheck full of commission & I'll be protected by 1k+ lawyers from FDA & all other pharmaceutical companies. My family will have great insurance & life will be a sweet sweet ride. I'll literally be a drug dealer with benefits, just like every other doctor I've seen. Don't get me wrong, not every doctor or nurse is a monster...but some really are profits over patients.

 

 

[TreeElf]

Hey YammySteph, I'm sorry to hear you're suffering. I just wanted to say that, from what I've seen, gut issues can commonly flair up in withdrawal. I'm 28 and had never had digestive problems (although my Mum does), and when I went off medication I suddenly developed huge gut problems. I went for tests at a natural health clinic on a special machine that reads all your imbalances etc, and it turned out I had adrenal exhaustion, poor absorption in the gut, candida (bad gut bacteria overgrowth), liver problems and a load of food intolerances. The woman I saw there said it was common as all of this can be festering under the surface while on medication, and when we come off it just goes out of control.

 

There's also a saying 'all disease starts in the gut', and I believe this to be important. All of your bodily systems are linked, they all depend on each other. And your guts ability to absorb and process food is important to every part of your mental and physical system. I was given a diet plan - no sugar, no grains, no dairy, plus advice on stabilizing adrenals and gradually allowing the body to heal - and saw improvements almost instantly. I now mainly eat veg, some meat, anything made with almond or coconut flour (but no grains, except occasional lentils). I still have waves of mental withdrawal, but the physical stuff is pretty much gone. I think it's a long process, our Western diets are so bad and it tkaes years to heal the damage we've done through food, medications, antibiotics etc. But I think if you could do a bit of research on the gut-brain connection you could do a trial and error diet and find what helps balance your system.

 

Sadly, yes, profit usually comes before patients in many societies. We believe we live in a free and civilised one when, in reality, the level to which we are used, conditioned and profited from is just more covert than it might have been in the past. We'll look back in history, as we always do, and think 'God, what were we thinking??' It just goes in cycles. The fact is you are here, you weren't 'ignorant' for going on medication, millions do it every day because it is the norm. You're doing your best, and that's all anyone can do.

 

Hope you get some relief soon, try and ride the waves as best you can.

[YammySteph]

Thank you for responding.

 

The gut is the 2nd brain, totally. If I could eat more, I would def be eating more. I make my own kefir (from grains not store bought) and I roughly just eat rice. I could have malnutrition. Unfortunately, just a small amount of anything that hits my gut, immediately inflames it. Whether it be water, kefir, magnesium supplement, the pain will just gnaw at me. Food is starting to be not worth it. Too painful. I’m also tired of hallucinating. 

 

I am currently in the ER right now due to negligence of my primary care provider & low income clinic. 

[Altostrata]

YammySteph, it sounds like you have a medical gut problem, maybe h. pylori or another bug. Please keep on contacting those clinics for GI help.

 

It may be best for you to not mention cortisol spikes to doctors. They don't know anything about that sort of thing.

 

A very small amount of lamotrigine, such as 0.5mg, might help the withdrawal symptoms. How did you react to lamotrigine before?

[YammySteph]

I would never like take another AD again. Lamotrigine is for bipolar and seizures. When I was on them, I felt awful mentally. The trade off is not worth it in my opinion.

(If I had to start another drug, I would like an “as needed”).

 

I just had a cat scan. Showed I had ulcerative colitis. Good start, but it does not confirm other issues such as cortisol spikes, adrenal fatigue, no appetite, hallucinations and the general protracted-withdrawal feeling. It’s also a possibility that my colon got an infection and I do not have IBD, or it could be that I do have a type of colitis and that’s my issue.    

 

Alto, you’re right. I don’t mention AD withdrawals or spikes anymore to generic doctors. When the ER doctor asked if I had a primary, I told him she’s an incompetent dumbass and told me Latuda would help IBS symptoms. He said he’s putting in a referral for the gastroenterologist at the hospital where I went into the ER, but it will take awhile.

 

This is great start - but I will need help. My biggest challenge is finding someone who wants to help me and is not profits over patients. I have yet to find a doctor like this. AbbyElfie mentioned she went to an alternative doctor. Unfortunately, where I live, alternative doctors are a competition with hospitals and other pharmaceutical-like companies. None around me accept Medicaid, and they are quite pricey. 

[Altostrata]

Don't worry about the rest, take care of ulcerative colitis. Follow up on that referral to a gastroenterologist. You may wish to join an online peer support group for ulcerative colitis, we don't know much about that here. There might be some non-drug or gentle herbal treatments.

 

You will never get doctors to see any connection between your withdrawal symptoms and your medical condition. The majority just doesn't think that way. Once in a while, you might find a D.O. with a more holistic outlook.

 

Don't try to find a doctor to agree with you about withdrawal symptoms.

 

Very low-dose lamotrigine can help your nervous system heal. This would be a dose such as 0.5mg far lower than anything you've taken before. See

 

One theory of antidepressant withdrawal syndrome

 

Lamictal to calm post-discontinuation withdrawal symptoms

 

That psychiatrist probably would be delighted to prescribe lamotrigine for you, but she probably would start you at 25mg. You can make a liquid from this to take a very small amount. When you see her, you might let her know you're doing fine on the prescription she gave you. She will feel very proud of herself for this.

[YammySteph]

Interesting & great reads Alto, thank you for posting them. I actually still have some remaining Lamictals, but they’re 100mgs. I’ll cut them and dilute using real calculations and not guessing. I also have a scale that can measure mgs. I will make sure to taper correctly off them this time too.

 

The only thing I’m concerned is, once it does help, how do I know when it’s okay to start tapering? I plan on taking your advice and starting at an extremely small dosage of 0.5mg, but how do you know when it’s okay to lower to 0.4mg?  (Not sure if I should have asked this on the Post-Lamictal Page).

[Altostrata]

If it works, you'd probably take lamotrigine for 6 months or longer, to let your nervous system settle.

 

Please make sure your tablets are not too old. Use an oral syringe to measure doses. Let us know how you're doing.

[YammySteph]

I think the Lamictal is working yay! My body temp can regulate better.

 

I found out that my primary retired recently. 2 weeks ago. I got a call a few days ago saying that my referral is now being processed....lol. On July 13, I went to the ER and had a referral as well. I saw the GI doctor last Thursday. He wants me to take a very expensive antibiotic and its the only approved one on the market for SIBO. Its called Xifaxan or something. Also, not very many insurances cover it and to this day, there is no coverage help. Its $2K for 2 weeks lol. I'm going the herbal route. Gotta git rid of the biofilm, then bad bacteria, then colonize my gut with good bacteria. The doctor doesn't think I have UC. Just colitis, or an inflammed colon. I joined a UC group and they all were quick to tell me not be hasty and that I need more tests done. I think they're right. The doctor wants me to get my inflammation down before I do any colonoscopy as it might not even be necessary. I'll let yalls know if the herbal route works. I spent roughly $110 vs $2K. $110 is cheaper than my insurance lol.  

 

I then saw a naturopath the next day. She said she thinks my adrenal glands need to chill the hell out. Me not sleeping is impacting everything especially healing. I'm going to do a urine cortisol test here shortly. I got some pricey pills called CortisolV by XYMOGEN that really only help me by limiting the times I wake up during the night. Better than nothing though. I'm conflicted because I'm not sure if shes just trying to up-sell me to make profit as she didn't really look over my supplement list and kept trying to sell me her own supplements that I already wrote down such as fish oil & HTP5. She is the only holistic doctor in my area. Next doctor is a 2 hr drive.

 

I've also done the Jarrow's Formula for cortisol spike route and I'm not sure if I'm generally doing the same again. I recall people here saying that it eventually stops working, and its really up to my body to fix itself, which I agree. I think what is happening is I'm still having protracted withdrawals. I know I am. I do research on this crap everyday and one of my symptoms is menopause like effects such as heat flashes followed by nausea. This is hormone imbalance caused by the ADs. I'm 28 so not ready to start real menopause and I've carelessly played around with all sorts of birth control, & I carelessly did not taper correctly with SSRIs & psychotropics and my body's core systems such as endocrine & nervous (which is why I'm doing the 0.5mg liquid Lamictal) is shot. I'm also going through a wave. I had a window maybe a month and a half ago, but when I got colitis, that wave came right back. My gut issues all links to AD. I know I did not taper correctly, but I still took care of myself and despite changing my life around holistically & being more natural, ADs are still kicking me around. I've been clean for 8 months but it feels like years.

 

You know how our gut is our 2nd brain? Keep your flora/bacteria healthy you guys. We need all the protection we can get to heal from these poisons. Ive been told that cold-pressed oils are good & I am adding cold-pressed coconut oil to my diet. I'm hoping maybe some more healthy fats will help out my brain along with the fish oil + vitamin E.

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

Hello, Yammy. How are you doing now?

 

Is the lamotrigine helping you sleep?

 

I would avoid supplements for cortisol spikes. How are you doing with fish oil and magnesium? Magnesium glycinate is not expensive and should not affect your digestion. It's best to take it in small doses throughout the day.

 

Trader Joe's has a good deal on fish oil. Taking 400IU vitamin E once a day is a good idea, too.

[YammySteph]

Hey Alto & everyone,

 

Thingd have been quite awful. Not sure if it’s my wave but I’ve been feeling cornered for weeks and been having panic attacks like I’ve been back on AD (im not). I’m not doing okay with the person I’m living with now as he gives me 24//7 anxiety & PTSD. I’m currently divorcing & I’m stuck in an mentally abusive place but I can’t leave because I have Stockholm syndrome, can’t drive, no job, no money, nothing. And it’s better here in this abusive place than a women’s shelter or even a mental ward. Been there done that. My cat brings me peace. Not enough peace, but enough peace than at a shelter or in someone’s car. 

 

The suppliments all seem to be helping. My “menopause” heat spikes have gone down but there are too many factors to say what’s causing my intense grief. I want to say I’m having a bad wave, but i don’t know. I’ve always had panic attacks off drugs which means I’m not getting supplements, but as I’m on a good amount and also taking methylfoate for the mutation gene, I figured I would be fine. But I’m not. I hope this is protracted withdrawals. If it’s not, I’m scared. I’m scared of myself.

 

I also am batteling SIBO & SIFO/Candida (small bacterial over growth & small fungal overgrowth). This could be a factor in my mood as this is technically IBS. I just don’t know. I’m afraid to pinpoint the problem on account I would be guessing and that would make me no better. 

 

Right now, all I can do is chug along & hope for the best. 

[YammySteph]

It’s now October. Getting near my first year of being 100% off all AD! Again, thank you all for helping me out and of course every Big Pharma survivor out there. 

 

The Lamictal is working well. My hormonal spikes are reduced & my bowels are improving. My cortisol waking me up in the early morning are still weekly but they are reduced. I do take supplements for it when I’m having extremely bad days. If anyone is curious, it’s called Cortisolv by Xymogen. I also changed my diet and now only eat paleo. I stopped drinking city water and started drinking reverse osmosis water. I think it’s been helping. My mental health is less foggy and despite my unfortunate relationship status, I’m not having as many panic attacks as I thought I would be having. 

 

Im also in some support groups online. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one struggling with relationships, mood, GI issues, everything I’ve been mentioning. It goes to show how dangerous these drugs are. It was a terrible lesson to be taught, but an important one. 

[YammySteph]

Just hit my first year of being fully off AD (besides the 0.5mg lamictal, soon to be 0.4). This whole saga sucked. I lost families, friends, and myself. I went back and read old entires here and social media. It’s a big yikes.

 

I haven’t seen anyone cold turkey off more than 4 AD. If im wrong, please let me know I’m not alone. Until then, I have no idea if it’s safe to say that I’m okay. My gut has been so damaged, it feels permanent. I have terrible hormone spikes that make me unnaturally ill and the random confusion I get is so unreal. My body is so messed up, I feel like it’s for a scripted cartoon character. The worst part, the very worst part of this is, no sympathy from the outside world. To this day, I’m still seeing 120% support for these terrible drugs. It’s pretty much our fault that we got injured because look at these “helping” so many people. Yeah, bandaging lol. No MDs will

help, and the nearest ND is okay with antidepressants...I was really turned off from her when she said schizophrenic people needed Lithium (maybe I’m wrong - please shoot me a private message to clear this up, I love being educated, not argued with). 

 

I want to to say that one year is enough for healing, but I’m just starting to climb the mountain. That’s good though because I was going nowhere months ago. 

 

I believe the stigma for taking AD is higher than ever before due to the acceptance of them compared to “back in the day”. Looking at social media, there are many blogs and posts telling young children to get help with mental illness if they need it and many “discourse” of why these drugs are safe and we’re the bad guys. It’s not doctors saying this, but other civilians like you + I. My baby boomer neighbor told me she is no longer ashamed of admitting her bipolarism and has posted on social media that it’s okay to be bipolar and medication is not a bad stigma anymore. Growing up, I have never seen antidepressants as a bad stigma. Everyone was on it. Prozac and Adderall were given to me right when I started estrus. I’m 28 & live in the PNW and mental health was never a bad and shameful stigma. It’s shameful when people like me try and tell folks the pills arnt really helping them. I had snapped at folks when I was gung-ho on them. I have chimed into the online blogs adding “yeah, antidepressants help people, this isn’t discourse. Don’t try and tell people

to stop medication that is prescribed to them and helps them - you’re not a doctor!!” Yeah I said all that crap. I was wrong. 

 

I know my posts are not that popular, but it’s here for history. It was pretty extreme. Again, I don’t know anyone who cold turkied 4+ AD and made it out okay in life relatively soon. But hey man no one told me antidepressants were going to make me depressed. I thought they were going to help me lol. 

 

Thanks for reading guys. This entry means a lot to me. Oh, I am a born again Earthling. Being off the drugs, I feel 100% better!! Life sucks cause I didn’t taper correctly, but mental struggles are nowhere compared to being on the drugs. Stay above the influence and don’t get addicted. 

 

I hope to feel even better later in life. 

 

 

[YammySteph]

Haven't posted for awhile so I wanted to give an update. I hope this will be helpful to those who are looking to heal and also looking for answers. Mainly those who find this site randomly. I was a wreck when I first joined this site. Now I am back in action living life to the fullest at a 180 degree turn around with somewhat protracted withdrawals. I can fully say for sure, psychiatry and antidepressants are nothing more than business and strictly for profit. In other words, its Big Pharma. I'm finally able to tell people with evidence that its phony. & the #1 rebuttal is: "but it makes me feel better". So I tell em they're a drug addict. And they get pissy. But its okay, because I did that too in the past when I was pro psychiatry. I understand what its like to be ignorant because we didn't want to listen to understand, only to argue. They're shocked/stunned that I had mad disrespect for what they think is positive mental health. With all the knowledge I now know, I can NEVER pat someone on the back & tell them good job for taking antidepressants. I would be lying to them and a promise I made to myself if I didn't die from this is to be a better person. Antidepressants and the DSM is insult to those who have survived trauma and are working to fix their lives.

 

Looking back on this, this was the one of the worst times of my life. Sometimes I think I made it up. As of right now, I am much more than 50% healed. I'm looking back at my entries and I stopped posting before the ER and when real crap went down. I apologize for not updating but I had much more interaction on other recovery groups and it made me feel more appreciated and I really needed that comfort during that time. Again, thank you Alto & others for helping me out here. Mental health is a tricky subject so this update will be real. I'm not going to sugar coat it, and I hope this blog isn't deleted, redacted, or anything because this is about spreading awareness and the truth on big pharma. This is my real experience on antidepressants. Many of you may not like what I have to say, but its the truth, and what I learned is we need to use pain as a teacher to improve life & ourselves.

 

After my last entry, I ended up going to the ER in Feb. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis after a cat scan. I was discharged and referred to a GI. Next few weeks I spent hours on the toilet crying but no blood. I figured at this point all I could do was change diet and supplements. I ended up doing the GAPS diet and stopped fruity supplements that people were suggesting in recovery groups. Oh yes, I was in many recovery groups on social media, and I actually saw some of you guys there! I joined UC & other IBD groups as well and although I was having many similar symptoms, I don't think I had real UC. Also, my hormones (endocrine system) was still damaged and cortisol was making things worse. Looking back on past entries, my endocrine system was damaged the most. I am a firm believer that antidepressants will damage the endocrine system, not just me, but anyone who takes them. It got worse and I couldn't eat. I chewed and spat for awhile. What that is is I chewed and when I realized I had food in my mouth, it made me want to vomit so I would spit it out. The taste would satisfy me to where I wouldn't be hungry. The painful cramps started right below my ribs past my uterus area. The cramps were a combo of menstrual, diarrhea, stomach pain, gas pain, constipation, hunger pain and nausea. This was due to my colon being inflamed. 24/7. Wake up & go to bed is just pain pain pain. This is what was leading up to my painful past entries. I also found on my own that I had SIBO/SIFO. I used the knowledge I learned in college to research and scientifically battle SIBO/SIFO without seeing a professional & perhaps curing my own SIFO/SIBO has given me too much of a self esteem boost about treating my self now lol. I have lost so must respect for the current medical community that I see nothing but profit from them. Anyone can now research and teach themselves anything. A homeless person could do the job of a doctor or nurse if you take away the cost of schooling. I used to think these guys deserved an award for being "so smart" but they're not. They have money for education. Take that away and anyone can become a doctor. If you can study, you go to med school. I started researching everything, and I mean everything. I changed my diet to paleo + fermented foods, no diary, grain, beans, but for now, all I could stomach was babyfood. Gerber was cheap but it tasted like dog food  and made my gut hurt so I started reading labels. Beechnut had the best ingredients and I could stomach it much more. I also started to look up what my city water was made of so I switched to reverse osmosis water. I ate x2-x3 tbsp of cold-pressed coconut oil along with a good brand of fish oil. The cortisol capsules from xymogen was the best supplement I have purchased and luckily I no longer need it. I also implemented a lotof RSO (rick simpson oil) at this time. It nukes inflammation and it absolutely helped mine. At this point its been like 2 months and I knew I didn't have UC because I never had blood in my stool and thats a big indicator of IBD. The SIBO/SIFO sucked but doing research I treated it with over the counter stuff off Amazon & then for the final fight, this was about 4 months afterwards, I got Xifaxan from my GI and took that until the last few days it made me feel nauseous. Eventually the hours and hours on the toilet became fewer and fewer and stool started to harden up. What saved the day was the cannabis/RSO oil. My GI was inflamed and that really helped the pain and reduced the inflammation.

 

So where am I know? Much better. Maybe 75%-80% better? I still have windows & waves, but I'm able to notice them and take a breather. My hormones are the most wonky and thats whats taking the longest to heal. I sometimes wake up at 5am but its not the "canon" as someone previously has mentioned. Also, during the "canon" time, I would wake up, but still be in my dream state, but I was able to feel my body filling up a "meter" of cortisol and when it reached the top, I got shot out of bed. Once I even darted out of my bed on all fours into the living room - it was something straight out of a horror movie. Tolerating the heat is still somewhat difficult but not nearly as bad as last year. I sweated so bad from endocrine problems that I ended up with x2 foot fungus from that. I get random cortisol spikes but I can recognize it like clockwork. I get sweaty & hot. Then I get anxious & confused. In the morning when I would have the bad spikes, I would take the Xymogen supplement, but now I just smoke a little bit of weed. I usually get morning spikes during a wave or when its extremely hot. I still take fish oil & most likely I will be doing that for life until I get sick from it. I also do probiotics as your gut really does impact your mental health. I take a b12 spray because the whole methyfolate thing just didn't click with me. We need more research on it. I also no longer have hypothyroidism and stopped taking Armour. The withdrawals on that sucked but it was a cakewalk compared to Celexa. As of right now, I am currently just taking supplements and doing fantastic. I switched my life to eating paleo and intermittent fasting. In past entries, I brought up money and having no family such as leaving my partner. I will be very honest and its the truth, it is very difficult without money or shelter in this country. You are in a very difficult position without insurance or if you have poor insurance with no money, you must prepare yourself. And that means getting money or getting by any means possible, whether legally or not. Because this is about our personal health & to hear we don't deserve treatment because we don't have enough printed green sheets of paper isnt healthy. Its a dog eat dog world. And I made it out. You can too without any money, family, friends or faith. You need to think outside the box and that experience will create new positive paths in life. I was extremely close to just giving up and going back on pills. What I lost has exponentially doubled in positive personal gain.

 

I mentioned in earlier posts that my childhood was full blown abuse but during my researching, I read the body's way of healing is depression. Your body is letting you know you're hurt. But because I was diagnosed with BPD, depression, PTSD, I thought I was doomed to be "sad". And honestly yeah, it sucks but **** happens to the best of us and we should learn from painful memories rather than marinate and dwell on them. Psychiatry plays the image like it wants to help people, but really all it does is makes you stay and marinate in the same spot. When I did therapy treatment, it was easy on drugs, but take away the drugs and all that DBT/CPT went to hell. But really its not. I highly suggest many of you to participate in those therapy classes but NOT ON DRUGS because you need to learn how to use those skills yourself, not when you're high on paxil & lamictal. If I knew how to use those skills on my own, I wouldn't have gotten in those positions. I look back and think about my behavior while withdrawing and even when I was on antidepressants over 10 years ago. I get embarrassed thinking about my actions but they all make sense and why I did it: because I was a drug addict. I even created the image in my head that SSRIs and antidepressants was similar to desiccated serotonin like Armour giving T3 + T4 cells. So it fixed my "chemical imbalance". I created that because of media. We spread around "haha my chemical imbalance is acting up today (:" because we spread it around like common talk. I've done it since early 2000s. We see silly shirts in stores like JC Pennys or Krogers that say "The voices tell me to do things >:)" and thats propaganda from Big Pharma. Right, the "voices". How many "schizophrenics" have made themselves believe they hear voices because of all the media propaganda, cartoons, movies? Mental health is absolutely glorified. We hear of "mental health days" people throwing around "its my OCD". Big Pharma likes it, because its free publicity. And don't forget about ADD/ADHD meds. I partied with those in college and at festivals and children take them daily...

 

All I can say is be above the influence. I almost died to this, but I definitely came out stronger. I personally don't think we can stop Big Pharma and I don't think we will for a long time. Thats my honest opinion. There is now new publication pamphlets for those recently diagnosed with mental disorders warning against people like me, "anti-psychs". Its saying how we're wrong and to always listen to your doctor - & they're right. Who are you going to believe? A pierced/tattooed up millennial or your doctor? We honesty are a small circle and we are shitting on peoples mental health by bashing the industry. But another important factor is, to each their own. I cannot stop one from taking an antidepressant but I can educate and implore them to further educate themselves. At this point, I turned this terrible lesson into something I will try and make better.

 

I cannot thank this entire small community enough though. Because of this site & many of you participating, we can heal. Like I said, I don't think we can defeat Big Pharma anytime soon, but I do think we can help spread awareness on the dangers of these pharmaceuticals.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 18, 2019 by ChessieCat
reworded obscenities

[Cocopuffz17]

Amazing post! I feel the same as you! Except I believe we can educate people and fight back against the BS big pharma does with its lies. I followed a very similar path to yours with changing nutrition to control my microbiome and have my conditions reverse. The chemical imbalance is a bs theory.... I always say why didn’t my original condition come back after the medication was out of my body? No one can give an answer. It’s because I changed my nutrition! 

[YammySteph]

Can’t find delete button lol