Audo: Effexor reinstatement fail?

[Audo]

A Qualified Success Story and Demoralizing, Disturbing Flare-Up

 

I have been wanting to post a pseudo success story for some time, but I  have been hesitant since 1) it might not fit the exact criteria (altho I know reading something like that would have brought me some comfort in my darkest days), and 2) the irrational fear that simply writing about my "success" would bring everything crashing down again. 

 

My last post was about a year ago and I was still dealing with issues, but obviously progressing in the right direction even if I had a hard time admitting that. My overarching theory/hope was that if I continued to hold my Effexor dose, I would continue to heal from at least the worst symptoms. I know poop-out / tolerance withdrawal is a concern, but given my experience and what I've read (this seems to be much worse with benzos), I was hopeful that my nervous system could still experience significant healing. 

 

As shown in my symptom chart, for almost the last year I experienced very little major symptoms, and when I did, the intensity and duration were much less than in 2020-2021. I am no longer falling asleep after 5am due to gut-induced insomnia, but now 11-1am. I am walking 7,000+ steps a day (instead  of 5,000 last year, and <2,000 the years before) and doing some light body exercises. I am taking my family on road trips, working full time, drinking moderate amounts of alcohol, eating foods that I previously couldn't (fattier meats, veggies/fiber), going on dates with my wife, being  more of a co-parent, etc. And I know this may run against this group's thinking, but my plan was to just stick at this dose for the foreseeable future. I hate being a slave to this drug, but I just can't risk losing anymore lost time with my family, especially while my kids are young, or the pain of severe withdrawal, and maybe this will continue to get better.  

My very first post was called "Reinstatement Fail," and maybe reinstating hurt me in the long run, maybe not, but considering the hell of the really dark times, and the progress I've made, I would consider this now a reinstatement success. And reading something like this during my dark times would have provided some comfort. 

 

However, I believe I have gotten ahead of myself and have made yet another mistake. This last year has still been difficult at times. I am by no means 100% healed, and trying to live a normal life with two young kids, a full time job, and dealing with my and my wife's trauma of 2+ years where it looked like (I reiterated on countless occasions) I would not make it. I have also been dealing with varying amounts of moderate dysphoria and anxiety, which could still be healing, could be my baseline condition, or could be poopout. Since I was already a slave to this drug, I figured I would very slowly taper up to see if that would address some of these lingering symptoms. 

 

So I added 1 bead every 4-5 weeks for 5 beads total, which correlated with some possibly lessening of symptoms. However, since I have thrown a lot of things at my body the last 10 months and have never gotten a bad flareup, I think I became a little overzealous. There's no doubt I have pushed my body harder the longer I've felt better, and in 2023 my drinking increased a bit, I reintroduced coffee where I used to only drink tea, I upped my walking and light exercise, increased beads almost monthly instead of giving myself some longer holds, and I've been dealing with varying amounts of situational stress. 

 

I recently found out I was technically deficient (just) in vitamin D and B12. I have tried these both individually before, and I am obviously very sensitive and experience mood changes and gut disturbances. However, 10 days ago I took 400 mcg B12 and 400 iu of D for three days, thinking this was sufficiently low,  and this obviously made me depressed, irritable, and activated at night. I discontinued, felt like poo but generally manageable, and then 5 days ago I was hit with severe akathisia. 

 

The last  5 days have been brutally difficult dealing with the incessant crushing neuroemotions of akathisia. It has been surreal and utterly demoralizing. This is my worst flareup in probably a year and a half. The good is that I am dealing with this in a manner much easier on my wife, I utilize other people (mainly other family)  that I can just pace and talk to at length and get reassurance, and it's mainly just dealing with akathisia and crushing panic/doom-like feelings as opposed to so many other withdrawal symptoms, and miraculously it seems to ease enough at night (and somewhat throughout the day) so I've been able to get 6-7 hours of sleep. Still, it's a level of suffering I thought I had left behind, my thoughts about my prognosis are all over the place, and I'm having a hard time seeing through this. 

 

I think the main culprit, or least the proverbial straw, is the B12 and D. Two days before the flare-up I also sat outside for an hour getting sun on my bare skin for the first time in 5-6 months. It was all probably too much too soon. I also ate some different foods last week that caused some novel stomach cramping, and it kind of feels like I need to purge from both ends but can't, so wondering if it's a weird GI bug. Altho I really hope it's not that case, I know my minor dose increases could also have destabilized me a bit, and I have actually dropped 1 bead to my last stable dose just in case, where I plan on  holding until things  stabilize. 

 

I have been around the block to know that my only option is to just white knuckle the mental torture of akathisia. I know it will probably ease at some point, but it's just hard to see out of it when you are in it, ya know?  

 

Anyway, I know I write longer posts and they don't get much traction, but I hope some people can find comfort in my qualified success story. And if any of you active forum experts have any thoughts or kind words of encouragement, I am all ears. 

 

Peace and love

[manymoretodays]

Hi Audo,

My apologies.  I rarely do PM's with members at this point.

And found this in my PM box sent to me on April 4th:

 given your experience I was wondering if you could help me with my current situation.  I have been in a window for about a year, thinking I turned the final corner, took low dose vitamin D and B12 for a couple days, had some pretty quick but manageable side effects so stopped. Then several days later was hit with severe akathisia the likes I haven’t suffered in years. It’s been 6 days, I’m suffering so much, I can’t eat, and I’m scared out of my mind. I had also been titrating up my effexor dose 1 bead per month for 5 months, with positive results, but maybe added to the instability. I’m sitting here thinking about taking a benzo for the first time in 4 years. I really don’t know what to do. 
 

Do you have any advice or words of support? I would greatly appreciate anything you can send my way. 

 

I'd say HOLD steady where ever you are at now, and update right here in your thread as well.

I did see you mention vitamin D and B12 but then stopped.  Both can be a bit stimulating.

 

I also see a change in the beads of EffexorXR in your signature, and so have to wonder if that correlates with your Wave.

Definitely eat.  And many different things that people use in the way of non-drug coping here.

I can link you to the topic on:

Akathisia

And then: Symptoms and Self Care, the general forum, in hopes you can find something.

 

Then, again.......update here, now that it has been a whole month.......as to where you are at now.  And if you did need a benzo one off or other, to survive what I'm sure has been really tough.

 

Oh, I'm sure hoping you went to a nice Window by now.  Apologies again......I've had a lot going on, on the ground to deal with, and frankly just got into my own overwhelm of sorts.  Hope to be back more often after a nice break away from the site.  We'll see.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

[Audo]

Hi @manymoretodays, thank you for responding. That was very kind of you. This has been a seemingly novel, brutally difficult wave, but not without reprieve. I don't ever recall having this type of pathological separation anxiety / paranoia. When I'm in a wave now the idea of being alone is torture. Before, when I was really bad for an extended period of time, I just wanted to be in a dark room and pushed everyone away. 

 

Anyway, I've managed without a Benzo. No agitation, anger, acting out, and only fleeting SI at worst. And I'm sleeping. I am also fortunate to utilize a larger familial support network this time, so I don't burnout my spouse. But whether it's a form of  akathisia or extreme anxiety/neuroemotions, it's just really unbearable. Especially in the mornings, which I have never experienced before. 

 

I'm hoping things are trending in the right direction (see below). Nothing has been as bad yet as the first 10 days. But the erratic nature of this is difficult. I could be in terror and crying my eyes out for an hour, then a couple hours later experience some relief, then it crops up again. 

 

I may have entered my latest wave this week overdoing it physically and getting too much sun, but who knows. My instinct is telling me I'm getting too much serotonin and I should drop one more bead. But I know instincts are often wrong. I'm holding at 46 beads for now, which is where I was (stabile) for Feb thru March. When you're in it it just seems like it will never get better

 

Thank you again for your response.  Any feedback/encouragement goes a long way. 

 

Peace and Love 

 

EXTREME SEVERE WAVE = 10 days (including 8 days of utter terror)

PSEUDO WINDOW = 8 days

WINDOW = 4 days

SEVERE WAVE = 3 days

WINDOW = 5 days

SEVERE WAVE = 1 day

WINDOW 11 days

PSEUDO WAVE = 3 days

SEVERE WAVE = 3 days and counting

[Ma205]

On 5/12/2023 at 8:30 AM, Audo said:

Hi @manymoretodays, thank you for responding. That was very kind of you. This has been a seemingly novel, brutally difficult wave, but not without reprieve. I don't ever recall having this type of pathological separation anxiety / paranoia. When I'm in a wave now the idea of being alone is torture. Before, when I was really bad for an extended period of time, I just wanted to be in a dark room and pushed everyone away. 

 

Anyway, I've managed without a Benzo. No agitation, anger, acting out, and only fleeting SI at worst. And I'm sleeping. I am also fortunate to utilize a larger familial support network this time, so I don't burnout my spouse. But whether it's a form of  akathisia or extreme anxiety/neuroemotions, it's just really unbearable. Especially in the mornings, which I have never experienced before. 

 

I'm hoping things are trending in the right direction (see below). Nothing has been as bad yet as the first 10 days. But the erratic nature of this is difficult. I could be in terror and crying my eyes out for an hour, then a couple hours later experience some relief, then it crops up again. 

 

I may have entered my latest wave this week overdoing it physically and getting too much sun, but who knows. My instinct is telling me I'm getting too much serotonin and I should drop one more bead. But I know instincts are often wrong. I'm holding at 46 beads for now, which is where I was (stabile) for Feb thru March. When you're in it it just seems like it will never get better

 

Thank you again for your response.  Any feedback/encouragement goes a long way. 

 

Peace and Love 

 

EXTREME SEVERE WAVE = 10 days (including 8 days of utter terror)

PSEUDO WINDOW = 8 days

WINDOW = 4 days

SEVERE WAVE = 3 days

WINDOW = 5 days

SEVERE WAVE = 1 day

WINDOW 11 days

PSEUDO WAVE = 3 days

SEVERE WAVE = 3 days and counting

hey just came across your page looking up “visceral hypersensitivity” which I completely developed after ct trazodone and viibryd and now have a botched reinstatement and am 6 months out from that.. wondering how you are doing and did that improve for you at all? 

[Catina7]

Hi @Audo, I've read through your thread.  Boy, you've really been through it.  How are you doing now?  Thinking of you!  ❤️