☼ Eastcoastgirl: a life free of antidepressants

[Eastcoastgirl]

I had a major gut infection of some kind in January that set me way back. I have a long history of gut issues so whenever something like that happens to me it’s never good, & seeing as most of your serotonin is made in your gut I have been having a ton of non-stop intrusive thoughts ever since. Sometimes they are negative thoughts, sometimes they’re not. Another thing I have noticed in the past 2.5 years is that I could be having the worst day ever & almost all my symptoms go away late at night no matter what. I’m not sure why that is but I’ve read here that is common.. I wish I knew why. Thirdly, I’ve been thinking lately about how much I strongly regret withdrawing from Ativan, Prozac, Citalopram and birth control all at the same time. I have been getting progressively sicker the past couple years, and when I went back on birth control in March 2020 and had a long 4 month window I realized that I am much further along in my healing from withdrawal than I thought, and a lot of what is wrong with me is hormonal, but doctors still can’t figure out what. I’m now at .40ml and I’ve been consistently doing the brass monkey slide method. For a few months I was going down one extra line per month but I noticed that was starting to bother me so I have stopped. Another thing I have been thinking about recently is what my life will be like after withdrawal. I am concerned that I will never be able to enjoy an alcoholic drink again, or take any sort of medication or have surgery etc without the fear that I will get thrown back into acute withdrawal. That is basically my update for now if anyone still reads my page or cares lol. Unless anything changes I will likely not be back until I’m near the end of my taper. I am focusing on mindfulness and taking in more positive information to keep my stress levels down. 

[Eastcoastgirl]

I have been pretty steady since  I reinstated in 2019, haven’t had any major waves in a really long time but since January I am doing very very bad and I have no idea what has triggered it. I have completely stopped sleeping for days on end, I have vivid dreams, severe apathy and suicidal ideation, total lack of motivation, OCD, POTS is bad again and it was almost gone.. and so on. I haven’t taken any new supplements or done anything that should have caused this and my taper can’t get any slower. I am scared. 

[Eastcoastgirl]

I have been having persistent worsening vision problems since I was switched from Citalopram to Fluoxetine a few years ago. Very blurry vision, trouble seeing up close and far away, and eye floaters. I have to wear glasses all the time now. I went to see my eye doctor for a second time and once again I explained that it all started from that & she looked at me like I was crazy. Not only that, but they couldn’t detect much of a vision change despite the fact that I literally have to squint when I’m wearing my glasses to see things. Are these eye symptoms a symptom of withdrawal or side effect/possible damage from SSRIs? 

[Crochet]

Hi Eastcoastgirl,

 

I'm reading your page and I care about you.  I'm sorry that things are so bad right now.

 

It's my understanding that vision problems are associated with SSRI withdrawal.

 

I was on the birth control pill from ages 17-35 and then Lexapro from age 36 until now (45). Its interesting to think how long I've been medicated.  I agree that hormones are a factor.

 

Take care,

Crochet

Edited November 13, 2021 by Karma
Name update

[Eastcoastgirl]

Thank you for responding, Crochet. 
 

I have such a long list of symptoms from withdrawal and they are always changing. The vision issues are a big concern and it’s tough when you feel like no one believes you despite the evidence being out there. Maybe it is hormones moreso than withdrawal, it is impossible to tell at this point! 
 

I’m sorry that you are also in this situation and I hope it gets better for you.

[Eastcoastgirl]

Had a really bad withdrawal relapse mid March. I think it was triggered by L-Glutamine. Was shocked to discover that L-Glutamine took away all the mental symptoms I have been experiencing from withdrawal however when I stopped it, it was a nightmare. Still have not recovered and mood has been very low. Taper has becoming very challenging at this point despite how slow I’m going. 

[almuPA]

Hello @Eastcoastgirl,

On 3/10/2021 at 9:17 AM, KMart95 said:

have been having persistent worsening vision problems since I was switched from Citalopram to Fluoxetine a few years ago.

When I was on citalopram, I had to wear sun glasses all the time because I was sensitive to the light( I am a spanish living in the UK, Sun shouldnt be a problem for me!). It stopped short after my CT, but my vision is getting worst. 

About hormones... My worst moments are always before my period, so yes, I am sure they are a factor.

Never heard about L-glutamine, does It work for WD? 

I send you a big hug.

Edited November 13, 2021 by Karma
Name update

[Eastcoastgirl]

Starting to feel like I can’t function without antidepressants and I made the wrong decision choosing to stop taking them. Dealing with severe depression which I never had before all of this.. it’s awful.

[eymen23]

On 4/27/2021 at 12:10 AM, Eastcoastgirl said:

Starting to feel like I can’t function without antidepressants and I made the wrong decision choosing to stop taking them. Dealing with severe depression which I never had before all of this.. it’s awful.

Hi Eastcoastgirl,

 

Sorry to hear you’re still struggling with a lot of difficult symptoms. Reading back through your posts, it seems you’ve had a number of set backs so far this year.

 

The gut infection/issues sounded like they were particularly problematic and stirred up a lot of additional difficulties. The glutamine seems to have complicated things further.

 

I can relate to the feelings of ‘when will this end’ and ‘should I have done this’. I’ve tapered down about 80% on Escitalopram and the tough days/weeks can feel like a lifetime, but things do continue to get better, just at a rate that’s so slow sometimes it’s hard to notice. 
 

Are you still tapering throughout all of this? You came off a lot of different medications at once and have had different setbacks, which makes me think a good hold and focusing on stability might be wise. 
 

Try to stay positive, exercise and get out as much as your symptoms allow, it can really help. 

Edited November 13, 2021 by Karma
Name update

[Eastcoastgirl]

On 4/27/2021 at 5:39 AM, eymen23 said:

Hi Eastcoastgirl,

 

Sorry to hear you’re still struggling with a lot of difficult symptoms. Reading back through your posts, it seems you’ve had a number of set backs so far this year.

 

The gut infection/issues sounded like they were particularly problematic and stirred up a lot of additional difficulties. The glutamine seems to have complicated things further.

 

I can relate to the feelings of ‘when will this end’ and ‘should I have done this’. I’ve tapered down about 80% on Escitalopram and the tough days/weeks can feel like a lifetime, but things do continue to get better, just at a rate that’s so slow sometimes it’s hard to notice. 
 

Are you still tapering throughout all of this? You came off a lot of different medications at once and have had different setbacks, which makes me think a good hold and focusing on stability might be wise. 
 

Try to stay positive, exercise and get out as much as your symptoms allow, it can really help. 

Good to hear from you Eymen23! 
 

Things are certainly very tough right now. The gut infection and even moreso the l-glutamine caused some of the worst setbacks I have had in a long time. I didn’t have an extreme reaction but my mood has been very dark for a few months now and I’ve stopped sleeping. It is hard to tell what is really me anymore and that brings on that desperate feeling of just wanting to go back on medication most days, but I know that would be disastrous. 
 

Congratulations on getting as far in your taper as you have! I’m currently at 0.31ml and symptoms started to get noticeable at 0.50ml. I agree that it is likely time to hold for a while and I hope I will find some relief from that! 

Edited November 13, 2021 by Karma
Name update

[Eastcoastgirl]

Hey @eymen23 I have a question for you if you wouldn’t mind. I was just evaluating my taper schedule. I’m still doing the Brass Monkey Slide Method (10 percent every six weeks). I’m now at 0.30ml and realized my reductions are now 3.3% at a time rather than 2.5% .. and they will continue to get higher as I drop down. Is there anything I can do to make it easier on my brain? I assume if I were to dilute the liquid more the taper could just end up going on infinitely? 

[Eastcoastgirl]

Starting taking Midodrine today. I tried to avoid it for almost two and a half years since withdrawal began but my blood pressure was falling so low my doctor sent me to the hospital because he was afraid my heart would stop. Was fainting a lot and had no quality of life. The Dysautonomia started for me when I went through benzo withdrawal. Luckily midodrine does not cross the blood brain barrier but I did feel a little funky today. Times are tough but pushing on, as always. Just hoping to see an end to all this sooner than later.

[Rusty1]

Saw you post this in the endgame tape thread, but figure I would respond here.

"What do you do when you’re tapering with a diluted liquid and you reach a point where you’re at such a low dose that it feels like barely any liquid is coming out of the dropper and it may not be doing anything?"

 

What size dropper are you using?

I was using a 1 ml dropper, which helps a lot in getting you able to taper while on low doses, then when my amounts got really small I started diluting it so I could have enough room on the dropper to maintain accuracy.

 

When I first started making a liquid I took my 10 mg pill and mixed it with 10 ml of a suspension liquid so I had a 1-1 dose.  When I wanted more room to make slow drops I did my 10 mg pill with 20 ml of suspension for a 1-2 dose.  Once I worked my way down again and wanted more room on my dropper I took my 10 mg pill and mixed it with 40 ml of suspension liquid for a 1-4 dose.

I worked that down to as far as I could take it and decided that I was stable enough that instead of trying to dilute it more I was ready to stop taking it altogether.

When I jumped off I was taking one half of the very last line on my 1 ml dropper.  Technically that would be 0.005 ml.  And I had diluted it 1-4, so in non-diluted measurements it would equal 0.00125 ml.  A crazy small amount!

 

Best of luck continuing to do what you think is best for you.

[Eastcoastgirl]

This past month was the hardest I’ve ever experienced. I did not expect to have any negative reaction to midodrine, and I didn’t right away but after trying it a few times I did. It supposedly does not cross the blood-brain barrier but it works on epinephrine so i’m not really surprised. I have had terrible akathisia on and off, especially at night, and have had many days of severe suicidal ideation. Sometimes it feels like it is improving and then I have another really bad day. Supplements that always helped me such as fish oil are now over stimulating. I can’t ever sleep whether it’s day or night. This process has been absolutely miserable and I’m so over it. 

[Eastcoastgirl]

Can a moderator help me change my username?

[Eastcoastgirl]

I think I am experiencing brain zaps for the first time. 

[Eastcoastgirl]

What is the consensus on having surgery when the nervous system is still recovering? I will have to have a big surgery in the next year and will need antibiotics and possibly heavy painkillers afterward. Very scared that it will erase all the progress I’ve made so far..

[Eastcoastgirl]

More than 2 years later I am happy to say I have finally completed my taper. I have had very minimal withdrawal symptoms throughout my taper using the Brass Monkey Slide Method. I had made 4 attempts in the past to withdraw from my SSRI and ended up spiralling into the worst nightmare of my life, so this method has been a miracle honestly. Thank you to the amazing people here who helped me along the way @eymen23@ChessieCat@Altostrata @brassmonkey I am now 100% free of all prescription medications and it feels good. Looking back at where I was 3 years ago, I honestly didn’t think I would make it out of this alive. My nervous system has a lot more healing to do now but I’m looking forward to sharing my success story in the future. 

[Cocopuffz17]

Love reading story’s like this! Congrats and all the continued healing you shall receive! 

[Altostrata]

Congratulations! When did you stop Prozac?

[Eastcoastgirl]

@Altostrata Thank you! I just stopped Prozac yesterday  

[Altostrata]

Please do let us know how you're doing over the next months. This helps us understand what works.

[brassmonkey]

Congratulations on making the jump to "0" for your ssri. I'm so glad that the Brassmonkey Slide Method worked so well for you. 

[Frogie]

Congratulations!

 

[almuPA]

Congrats! Thats a great achievement! 

 

Hope It goes well in the next months.

[Eastcoastgirl]

Over two weeks later and no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever! I used to get hit with withdrawal symptoms after one week with all my other failed attempts but so far everything is great.. I’m in disbelief but very grateful. Hoping it stays this good. 

[Eastcoastgirl]

I ended up having some withdrawal symptoms shortly after my last post. Daily crying spells and feeling angry/agitated but it only lasted a few days and I feel back to normal now. I had a major POTS flare up from jumping off and that is the only thing that is still bad. 

[Eastcoastgirl]

Still hanging in there. Some days are good and some days are not so great. I am extremely sensitive to supplements and taking something as simple as a vitamin causes a major uptick in withdrawal symptoms. Some days I am randomly really irritable which is frustrating but I know it could be worse. 

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

Im sorry, i am also sensitive to supplements. It makes things more difficult. I also hate when I get irritable. It sucks. I'm glad you are hanging in there. 

[Eastcoastgirl]

Something has triggered one of the worst waves I have had in probably 2 years. I’m not sure if it’s the booster I got recently or maybe withdrawal finally hitting me at 1.5 months off but I have had this deep depression, apathy, OCD and some depersonalization that I just can’t shake. At certain times throughout the day it is unbearable. I don’t feel like myself at all and I’m really sad because I haven’t experienced this kind of mental upset in well over a year. 

[Eastcoastgirl]

The weirdest symptom I have experienced in withdrawal is thinking in my sleep. My brain does not shut off all night long. I will repeat sentences, I will go through a whole recipe in my head, very negative thoughts will loop through my mind, I will dream for 8 hours straight.. it’s very strange. I just want to have peace in my mind but my brain won’t shut off when I sleep.. it actually seems like it’s the most active.

[ChessieCat]

intrusive-repetitive-song-symptom-or-ear-worms

 

You might find it helpful to play soft music at night time.

 

Music for self-care: Calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

TV or computer use in evening can disrupt sleep: Bright light signals the brain that it's daytime

White noise devices for sleep

[Eastcoastgirl]

1 hour ago, ChessieCat said:

intrusive-repetitive-song-symptom-or-ear-worms

 

You might find it helpful to play soft music at night time.

 

Music for self-care: Calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

TV or computer use in evening can disrupt sleep: Bright light signals the brain that it's daytime

White noise devices for sleep

Thank you, that’s a great idea! I will try tonight. The withdrawal insomnia is so bad too so that doesn’t help. 

[Eastcoastgirl]

I know that I said that everything seems to be good when I initially finished my taper near the end of December but things have just been plummeting downhill ever since. I was mostly fine all through January but then I got vaccinated again at the beginning of February and I haven’t been the same since. I can’t say for sure if that’s the cause though. I have felt like I have been in a constant, acute withdrawal again. When I’m trying to sleep is the worst. My brain goes absolutely nuts, I have akathisia and racing heart when I wake up. I also have random bouts of anger during the day, complete loss of motivation, brain fog and depression. Seems absurd that I tapered down to 0.04ml before jumping off and yet I’m having such prolonged, intense problems?? I’ve been trying everything I can to calm my nervous system without drugs or supplements but nothing works.

[Eastcoastgirl]

I have had pretty much no good day since I finished my taper over 4 months ago. I regret all of this. I didn’t just wreck my brain, I completely lost my health too in this process and it wasn’t worth it. It is true that without your health, you have nothing. I regret putting myself through this despite all that I have learned about psychiatric medications. I am happy to be off but it cost me everything so it’s really not a win. 3.5 years of being mostly bedridden and housebound with very little healing in between. Still wildly sensitive to all medications and supplements, still have crippling insomnia.. it just sucks. Struggling to find a reason to keep moving forward.  

[Eastcoastgirl]

Being in the sun too long increases withdrawal symptoms?

 

Does anyone else have sun sensitivity in withdrawal? It was not too bad until I finished my taper but now if I am in the sun too long, or especially if I get a sunburn I am unable to sleep at night, agitated, depressed and having intrusive negative thoughts. 

I am surprised by this because the sun increases serotonin and melatonin which one would assume would be beneficial. 

 

Edited June 9, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic