Kernol: was doing well on my sertraline taper but now in hell and doc reinstated

[Kernol]

Dear @sunnysideup69 @jozeff thank you both so much for your messages - they literally lifted me up when I most needed it and have given me great encouragement.

 

I do agree I have made so many changes and eliminating the vortioxetine from the picture was only just over a month ago so now I hope that over the coming weeks things might stabilise a little with no changes other than perhaps a small reduction in my diazepam.

 

I sometimes have had 30 minutes where I have felt not so overwhelmed by the very strong chemical type anxiety and doom over the last couple of days - I don’t know if 30 minutes is long enough to call it a window but it is a bit of respite just the same and I welcome it!!

 

once again - thank you both your messages and support really helps. 

I wish you both lots of healing this year.

[Erell]

On 1/9/2020 at 1:10 PM, Kernol said:

I don’t know if 30 minutes is long enough to call it a window but it is a bit of respite just the same and I welcome it!!

Everything in WD is about ups and downs, so yes, if you want to call it a window, then it is a window ❤️

There will be more ups as time passes!

 

Thinking of you, stay strong ❤️

[Shep]

On 1/11/2020 at 12:26 PM, Erell said:

Everything in WD is about ups and downs, so yes, if you want to call it a window, then it is a window ❤️

There will be more ups as time passes!

 

@Kernol I'm going to "ditto" what Erell wrote. Yes! That's a window. Nice to read you got a 30 minute breather. 

[Kernol]

3 hours ago, Shep said:

 

@Kernol I'm going to "ditto" what Erell wrote. Yes! That's a window. Nice to read you got a 30 minute breather. 

thanks @Shep I did and I have made the most of those moments! I wondered whether I should reduce my diazepam this week as it has been a month since my last taper?

[Kernol]

On 1/11/2020 at 5:26 PM, Erell said:

Everything in WD is about ups and downs, so yes, if you want to call it a window, then it is a window ❤️

There will be more ups as time passes!

 

Thinking of you, stay strong ❤️

thank you @Erell I am calling them windows! Thank you - I hope you are doing well ❤️

[Shep]

On 1/9/2020 at 7:10 AM, Kernol said:

I sometimes have had 30 minutes where I have felt not so overwhelmed by the very strong chemical type anxiety and doom over the last couple of days

 

20 hours ago, Kernol said:

thanks @Shep I did and I have made the most of those moments! I wondered whether I should reduce my diazepam this week as it has been a month since my last taper?

 

Please hold for awhile longer. It's possible that these windows, as brief as they are, are a sign that your nervous system is stabilizing. 

[Kernol]

Hi @Shep ok I will hold on for a bit longer. Thanks. I have had a ramping up of anxiety over the last couple of days - no little windows - but hopefully it will settle down again soon. 

[Erell]

Hi Kernol 

 

How are you doing this week end ?

 

Thinking of you ❤

[Kernol]

Thank you for thinking of me @Erell 

 

my weekend has been not so good - relentless high anxiety and no little windows the last couple of days. I am just trying to get through each hour as best I can. Hoping for some better days to come fingers crossed!! How are you? If 

[Kernol]

Hi @Altostrata @Shep I was having some windows of lesser anxiety for a week or so even though I was still having the intrusive memories and high chemical anxiety at those same certain points of the day at other times I was more able to cope. I was cooking meals, excited about new bathroom, ordering things, I wasn’t waiting for my next dose of diazepam in fact I almost forgot it was time to take it on a few occasions. I was still housebound but I was just thinking things might be evening out a bit and that it was a good sign and then all of a sudden a wave seems to have hit - started last Wednesday and has got worse every day to the point of yesterday/today where anxiety is so high from minute I wake at 4.30am until I go to bed and no let up. My heart races, I pace, I can only feel dread constantly I can’t think of anyone or anything without high anxiety I cannot settle I now feel depression too because of how bad I have become. The diazepam has not touched the sides really over the last 2 days in fact this morning when I took it I think I got about 10 minutes of a slight dampening down and it was back up again - which is not normal for me. It’s not even hormonal as I am early in my next cycle. I have also seen a return of increased teeth clenching and hypnagogic hallucinations and worsening visual issues - snowy vision, strobe effect when its dark etc 
 

is this normal? Did I have a semi-window For a week? Is this a wave from sertraline? Is it to be expected? Just looking for Reassurance and some hope really. I have read the windows and waves pattern but as I never had windows really as I was always reducing every month until September and then there was the vortioxetine to eliminate after that so I don’t know what is normal. 

[Kernol]

Hi @Altostrata @Shep I have crashed very badly I have extreme depression and anxiety is off the charts all day and night with no respite at all along with the worst skin burning, electric shock sensations and teeth clenching. It has got progressively worse since last Wednesday each day deteriorating. Not been this bad since I came very destabilised in September. I have made no changes to anything. Is this just a bad wave? I am scared this is my reality now that vortioxetine has been removed and I will never reach stabilisation. I have had bad episodes over the last few months but this is the most severe. I am just looking for any clues or insight into why this might have hit now? Thank you - I am sorry for my desperate message I just don’t know what to do 

 

do you think 6-7 weeks out from finishing vortioxetine - this might be being hit by withdrawal from it? 

[Kernol]

Please can anybody help me understand what  is happening to me - this is the worst I have ever been and I am trying to hold on to anything any reassurance or hope that this will pass? Did I have real windows @Altostrata @Shep or were they a honeymoon period after vortioxetine? I am so ill my cortisol is through the roof I don’t sleep the anxiety and fear and depression and despair doesn’t leave me I don’t even know how to make it through the next hour in this state. I am at rock bottom. 

[Shep]

21 hours ago, Kernol said:

do you think 6-7 weeks out from finishing vortioxetine - this might be being hit by withdrawal from it? 

 

It could be, Kernol. A lot of people don't even notice withdrawal from antidepressants for two or three months after coming off, due to delayed withdrawal. 

 

Please work with your non-drug coping skills, including distraction, to get you through this. 

 

You've made a lot of progress since September, not only in getting completely off one of your drugs, but also in not making constant changes to your drug cocktail every time you hit a rough patch. That's progress. 

 

The fact that you recently had some good partial windows means you will see those partial windows again.

 

When you're ready for more specific advice, please go back to doing your daily drug and symptoms journal. 

[Kernol]

Thank you @Shep it is very helpful to know this and you think they were actual semi windows and not this honeymoon period thing that people talk about on here as if I thought they were windows that would give me some hope I will get some again but I am scared that they were just this honeymoon thing when you come off a drug and feel better than you have in years before the withdrawals set in

[Kernol]

Hi @Altostrata @Shep I am writing my daily notes again I hope this is okay.

 

25/1

 

5.00am woke with Very strong cortisol panic surges and teeth slamming down very hard. same intensity as previous 7 days. Nerve burning on back and stomach also very strong

6.00am lying awake trying not to fall back to sleep as panic only gets stronger Each time

7.00am get up feel very depressed because of the bad wave and worry about how the day will go but try and find strength to think it will be okay and I will get through somehow
8.00am have shower, strong dread and lots of painful emotions. Feel raw. Tell myself I am just sensitised and this is to be expected. Notice my pupils look dilated. My legs are trembling a bit as I stand. I hear the birds singing outside and the noise seems so loud and goes right through me like Birds in a horror movie. Try and ignore it. Look out the window and feel some derealisation and disconnection with outside world. Imagine myself being carted off to a psychiatric hospital in emotional agony. Shake off the image and change the channel. Wipe down the windows. 

8.30am have oat smoothie and repeat affirmations that this will pass and I will make it to recovery 

9.30am take 2mg diazepam

10.00am feel a little better and start to do some vacuuming and cleaning. Notice burning sensations stronger after doing this activity 

11.30am read acceptance therapy book. Notice my heart is not racing as much as in previous days and I don’t feel as amped up or restless it is more this dark emotional rawness as if I have no shell - just a load of nerve endings exposed like live wires with no protective coating firing off at the slightest trigger. I try and imagine them beginning to heal and growing a new coating. 
12.00pm have tuna salad lunch

1.00pm take 1mg diazepam

1.30pm do crossword with husband. Getting strong forceful feelings of emotional pain. Try and ride them out. 
2.30pm re read my CBT notes about getting better and not thinking this wave will last forever

3.00pm still getting strong bursts of emotional pain feel so raw. The slightest thing triggers it. Tell myself this is to be expected as my nervous system is sensitised and everything is magnified

4.00pm tiler comes round to fix some tiles in bathroom. I manage to deal with him ok despite the constant feeling of dread and strong emotions churning around my stomach

5.00pm feel very lonely as in house alone. Put some washing away.

5.30pm call my mother in law to try and change my focus away from the strong emotions 

6.00pm take 1.75mg diazepam 

6.30pm have veggie burger and salad dinner. Pleased with this as haven’t eaten much in recent days

7.00pm burning is quite strong on stomach. Seems to get worse when I’m a bit hot. Eases off after 10 minutes
think I’m getting a cold. Throat feels thick and sneezing a bit. Wondering if maybe my body has been trying to fight a virus all week as my husband has had a cold for a week. Perhaps this has exacerbated my wave.

7.30pm the forceful emotional waves are dulled down a bit now. Less intense although still there. 
8.00pm get into bed to do some meditation. Take 25mg magnesium citrate (first one)

9.00pm take 16mg sertraline. Notice some random memories coming with emotions. The intrusive memories seem to come when I am tired now. I have realised this a lot recently. Along with old dreams replaying. Stomach and back burning Increases as usual once lying in bed. 
 

* derealisation fairly minimal today compared with other days except for first thing in morning 

 

*intrusive random memories not really noticed many except for evening in bed 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

It does sound like you went through a bad wave. If you can eat more now, I would do it.

 

Are you having a change in symptom pattern after you take sertraline at 9 p.m.?

[Shep]

14 hours ago, Kernol said:

think I’m getting a cold. Throat feels thick and sneezing a bit. Wondering if maybe my body has been trying to fight a virus all week as my husband has had a cold for a week. Perhaps this has exacerbated my wave.

 

That could very well be. How are you feeling today? 

[Kernol]

Hi @Shep No cold symptoms have shown themselves really just the odd sneeze. Woke to the same high panic attacks and burning and teeth slamming down at 5am. I feel like my cortisol levels are extremely high right now. It’s midday and I am still heart racing and lots of strong dread pumping out. Yesterday evening it lowered so I’m thinking it is cortisol? 

[Kernol]

16 hours ago, Altostrata said:

It does sound like you went through a bad wave. If you can eat more now, I would do it.

 

Are you having a change in symptom pattern after you take sertraline at 9 p.m.?

Hi @Altostrata it is a monster of a wave.  It is all very different to when coming off vortioxetine. Less of the chemical anxiety blasts at certain points in the day but more of the strong overall constant extreme anxiety, dread that I had pre-vortioxetine - at least that’s what it feels like. I only hope that the couple of semi -windows over the past couple of months were real ones and will return and not the honeymoon period phenomenon as I never had any moments where my general anxiety came down that much in the prior 12 months. 

 

i haven’t noticed any change in symptom pattern after taking the sertraline. 
 

one really odd thing that I thought I would mention because it is so bizarre - when on sertraline for all those years I used to wake with a runny nose and sneezing a lot of the time like an allergy - most mornings in fact and didn’t matter where I was I would get it and it would disappear within half an hour of waking. I knew it wasn’t hay fever but never connected it to the sertraline. In these last 2 semi windows I noticed this had returned each time and I realised I have not had it prior to this in the whole Of last year in withdrawal. I have no idea what this means if anything - but how strange!! The morning allergy symptoms were there on both short occasions when my overall general anxiety levels were lowest. 

[Kernol]

@Shep I messed up badly. I had such a bad night on Sunday night I didn’t sleep with this awful terror all night and the burning was so bad. I got up on Monday morning and could take no more so I took a whole 1mg lorazepam to numb the pain and a seroquel 25mg so I could sleep as I didn’t feel like I could even be awake it was such hell. What have I done?? I slept all day and night which was welcome but have terrible derealisation today. I’m so stupid 

[jozeff]

Hi kernol,

 

Are you currently taking 16 mg sertraline and no vortioxetine? Just to make sure.

 

How often do you take Seroquel? I took that stuff in the past also for sleeping but had terrible experience with it. Ramped up my depressive feelings.

 

Hope you came out of this wavy day alright.

It is awful to have to live like this I know.

 

Be strong and have faith in your healing. You have felt much better while on sertraline and while on nothing in the past so there is hope for you! I'm sure!

 

 

Cheers

Jozeff

[Kernol]

Hi @jozeff yes that’s right sertraline 16mg and no vortioxetine now. I still have diazepam as well. 
 

I have never taken the seroquel before I only took it out of sheer desperation. I feel so upset with myself. 
 

thank you for your encouragement. I hope you are doing well 

[Erell]

5 hours ago, Kernol said:

I’m so stupid 

Please dear, don't say and think this.

Of course it is not recommended and you need stability.

But we can understand : i've been through this awful terror, and sometimes it can be so unbearable.

You are not a stupid woman : You're an amazingly strong woman surviving from AD.

 

@Shep Will probably know better, but I guess the best  for you now would be To maintain your doses stable.

 

Remember my dear : it Will pass. 

We are all behind you ❤

[Shep]

18 hours ago, Kernol said:

I have never taken the seroquel before I only took it out of sheer desperation. I feel so upset with myself. 

 

You may want to get rid of any drugs you aren't currently taking so it's not there as a temptation. We don't know of any drug that can treat withdrawal symptoms. 

 

As Erell wisely wrote, this will pass. 

 

Don't beat yourself up over a mistake. If you learn from it, than it's a positive because you'll do better going forward. 

 

How are you feeling today? 

[Kernol]

Thank you @Shep that’s a good idea. Today I feel very restless high anxiety. the strange thing is I haven’t had the restlessness feeling aside from a couple of occasions probably since October last year - that was the only thing that had calmed down. It feels exactly like I felt last Spring/Summer so it’s almost like I am back to sertraline withdrawal as opposed to the way I felt coming off vortioxetine - but I don’t know I may feel different again tomorrow. I am just trying to accept that today I feel restless and that’s not the worst thing in the world and I can cope with it. At least the derealisation from yesterday is a bit better too. 

[Shep]

55 minutes ago, Kernol said:

I am just trying to accept that today I feel restless and that’s not the worst thing in the world and I can cope with it. At least the derealisation from yesterday is a bit better too. 

 

The acceptance factor is key, Kernol. So glad you're reaching this point.  If that's what you take away from this experience, than it's a GOOD experience. Acceptance is really key in getting through withdrawal because once you stop fighting and simply accept, you'll be able to float and breathe through your symptoms with grace instead of trying to fight against them. That fight is what wears a lot of people out. 

[Benzhelp]

Hi Kernol, 

 

Thanks for the update

Sorry you are feeling unwell. Hope you feel better very soon. Withdrawal symptoms can definitely be strange sometimes, not having any consistent pattern like what the “windows and waves”  thread describes so well. It helps to take extra time for self-care, usually things that make one feel good when these symptoms arise.

Wishing you the best on your Healing Journey.

Take good care of yourself. 

Love, Light and Blessings <3

[Kernol]

Thanks @Shep I am wanting to make a small adjustment in my dosing of diazepam because I am still struggling with these strong explosions of chemical anxiety around lunchtime and it’s as if the morning dose has held back some of the worst of the AD withdrawal and the evening dose does but this mid time dose is not enough to cover me so I thought of taking a bit off my morning or evening dose and adding it to the 1pm dose as this is when everything seems to escalate and then it’s quite hard to get through the afternoon after this has happened. Would this be okay to try? 

[Kernol]

On 1/28/2020 at 6:28 PM, Erell said:

Please dear, don't say and think this.

Of course it is not recommended and you need stability.

But we can understand : i've been through this awful terror, and sometimes it can be so unbearable.

You are not a stupid woman : You're an amazingly strong woman surviving from AD.

 

@Shep Will probably know better, but I guess the best  for you now would be To maintain your doses stable.

 

Remember my dear : it Will pass. 

We are all behind you ❤

thank you dear @Erell I hope you are doing well with some nice windows. Your kind support always lifts me ❤️

[Kernol]

5.00am wake to cortisol panic and teeth slamming down hard and burning on stomach and back 

7.00am get up - feel very highly restless and high anxiety, some dread about the day ahead

8.00am have shower - strong intrusive thoughts about the past making me feel nauseated with anxiety. Burning back and stomach strong and skin pain 

9.00am take 2mg diazepam. Still feel very restless but nauseating anxiety and disturbing thoughts have got less now. Have oat smoothie. Tell myself I can do this 

10.00am manage to do some work emails when I can sit. Very restless but tell myself this is ok and I can accept this restlessness.

11.00am do some laundry go for walk round block. Some electric shock sensations on stomach but can accept these

12.00pm still very amped up and restless. Appetite is non existent so have to resort to another oats and protein smoothie 

12.45pm massive sudden uptick in chemical feeling anxiety. Strong feeling of utter terror/dread/doom. Feel so nauseated think I will vomit but I don’t. My skin intensely burns on stomach and back at same time and my head starts to tingle.Try and accept this but it’s harder to accept this than the restless anxiety of the morning. It is very powerful. 

1.00pm take 1mg diazepam 

2.00pm the diazepam has not really helped because the sudden explosion happened before it. I still feel chemical dread and fear. Trying to do some work emails but I feel it so strongly I’m struggling to focus. Feel peculiar - derealisation maybe just strong emotional distress 

3.00pm trying to breathe deeply and accept that this is just because I am destabilised and I have had days when these explosions of chemical anxiety were not there so they will come again. This is how I know it is AD withdrawal as there have been some days without these explosions when the wave was not as intense 

3.30pm keep trying to think of the evening and that usually in evenings I am calmer and there is a football match on and that I will be calm enough to watch it. I try and look forward to it as best I can. I imagine myself watching it calmly with my husband despite how I feel

4.00pm put laundry away. Feel so unfamiliar in my surroundings. I try and accept this and tell myself I have had this many many times before and it will pass. Weird intrusive memory of a film I must have watched years ago pops right into centre stage. I accept this for what it is - just a jumbled up brain trying to right itself. They can’t hurt me 

4.30pm mind is going to very dark things - death, illness, images of hospitals anything that fills me with dread or doom. Trying hard to change the channel. Skin burning pain on back quite Strong 

5.00pm friend phoned me. I haven’t spoken to her in a while so I have to explain how I’ve been feeling and what’s happened. My stomach starts to burn intensely and skin pain flares up on leg as I feel nauseated with anxiety explaining my current predicament. 

6.00pm take 1.75mg diazepam. Feel background fear feeling can’t settle and stomach nerve burning is strong but I accept the burning 

7.00pm Fear feeling slightly less intense now. Bit of a tough day but I try some deep breathing and settle down in bed to watch Football 

7.40pm mind going to memories of people who have died again and feel strong fear and doom when thinking of these memories. I accept this is something I have had to deal with before and will hopefully settle again soon. I tell myself it’s just a very sensitive nervous system right now and exaggerating and magnifying emotions  
8.30pm not much calm feeling this evening I hope for better evenings to come. 
9.00pm take 16mg sertraline and try for some sleep 💤 

[Kernol]

30/1

12am-5am - Teeth slamming down - earlier than normal. No nightmares but lots of burning nerve sensations on back and stomach. Very restless sleep kept waking startled that this withdrawal has happened to me and it’s been 14 months 

6am keep waking with cortisol rushes although not as ferocious as some of the ones over the last 2 weeks

8am get up - feel usual dread and high anxiety but not as off the charts as some days in the last 2 weeks

830am - start to feel an edginess descend over me - a bit paranoid almost like something bad is going to happen - try and shake it off but it’s sticking around so go and have a shower

9am take 1.75mg diazepam no appetite but manage One slice of peanut butter on rye toast 

10am - edgy paranoid feeling still there and getting stronger - weird not had this feeling since beginning of last year with high dose reinstatement. Not pacing or restless energy like yesterday - completely different. Skin burning is still intense at times. Vision quite blurred when focusing

11am try to do some work emails and try and laugh at the paranoid feelings that are now accompanied by irrational paranoid thoughts 

12.00pm still edgy and downright scared. I think to myself how crazy it is that there must be 100 different manifestations of emotions I have had in withdrawal 

12.15pm lie down to get myself calmed down to almost sleep state. When I stir, the edginess is better
1.00pm take 1.5mg diazepam - manage tuna salad lunch. Edginess/paranoid feeling is now gone

2.00pm standing in kitchen opening a pack of rice crackers which immediately reminds me of my  childhood home and then a sudden grief/chemical terror feeling comes over me but slightly less explosive than yesterday’s - maybe the slight increase in middle diazepam dose muting it?

3.00pm emotions change like yesterday afternoon to dark memories, strong feelings of grief/doom come in waves and my skin burns intensely with each one like I have been lit on fire. Can’t think of places or people in the past without getting it. Try and change the Channel by visualising all the places I might visit when I am healed

4.00pm have Epsom salt bath. Darkness still there and strong emotions.

5.00pm lie down and watch my husband read a book. I love watching him read imagining that one day I might be able to read a book. Makes me feel calmer watching him 

5.30pm read a tweet on inner compass about Tapering when CNS destabilised and how some may not restabilise - as this is what I did several times - makes me feel nauseated with anxiety and my head starts to burn. Will I be the one that never stabilises? I try and calm myself that my brain and nervous system is self healing and this is now the first time it has not had a change in sertraline dose or another drug being added or taken away so this must be my time to see some healing. I have to believe this

6.00pm take 1.5mg diazepam. Eat some pasta for dinner - wanted more. It feels good to be hungry 

7.00pm grief/terror muted into background now - emotions a little more stable. 
7.30pm lying in bed - stomach is burning intensely and legs. 
8.00pm looking at news on my phone - not a good idea. Anything I see about illness, old age, Crime or people dying or anything that looks slightly gloomy spikes my anxiety and I burn. So I’m staying away from news for now. So emotionally fragile it’s crazy 

9.00pm burning still strong on stomach and back. Take 16mg sertraline ready for sleep 

 

* derealisation -fairly low

* chemical depression -medium 

* no de ja vu or intrusive memory flashbacks 

[Kernol]

31/1

 

12am - 4am sleep ok anxious and restless but bit better than night before 

5.00am teeth start to slam down and woken with cortisol rushes and strong irrational thoughts that cause me to panic

7.00am lots of memories causing me emotional anxiety in half waking state so get up. Feel lots of dread and a bit edgy like yesterday morning

8.00am have shower and repeat affirmations that this intense emotional pain will lessen
9.00am take 1.75mg diazepam and make protein smoothie. Do some vacuuming and empty dishwasher 

9.30am heart is racing and having irrational what if ocd type thoughts and they are racing Fast. Haven’t had these for about 6 months of more. Skin burning is strong on stomach sides and back 

10.00am lots of emotional strong dread type anxiety when thinking about my childhood - anything associated with it. Edgy paranoid feeling of fear has subsided a bit
10..30am manage to do a couple of work emails although thinking about the office gives me strong doom/churning dread. I shake this off and tell myself everything is just magnified at the moment. 

11.00am dad comes to visit and talks about things that remind me of my past and this makes me nauseated with anxiety. I tell him to stop. I can’t even stand him mentioning places in the town where I grew up. I try and explain to him I don’t know why this is and that I have also been feeling lots of grief type dark anxiety about people that have died especially my mum. He tells me that’s just a mindset and to change it to happy memories. He talks about my grandmother who is ill in hospital and I feel sick with doom and dread - just the ideas of illness and hospitals. I also feel guilt I can’t visit her. He has no idea so I give up trying to explain. He ignores me when I try and talk about my situation as if it’s not happening 

12.00pm manage to eat a wrap

12.45pm strong chemical anxiety spike when he is talking about places in town where I grew up again. Very intense. I crouch on the floor trying to breathe, groaning with the intensity of the dark emotion. He still carries on Talking until my husband tells him to stop. How can this happen to a person? This is crazy. My nerves are raw I have no shell - I hope it will lessen in intensity soon I tell myself it will it is just a really bad wave of destabilisation possibly from coming off vortioxetine and things should settle 

1.00pm take 1.5mg diazepam 

2.00pm a little better able to converse although still can’t talk about most things causing me to dry wretch with the emotional pain type anxiety for no reason. If people could see me god knows what they would think dry heaving and groaning with emotion. Glad only my family have seen it. 

3.00pm make a cup of tea for everyone. My skin is burning like I have been lit on fire. 

4.00pm have an Epsom salt bath 

5.00pm the darkness is very strong I am groaning again with the intensity of the emotion when I think about the past. I try and accept it and that it is just very sensitive nervous system and I won’t always react like this about these things. Feel like a very fragile vulnerable person who has no control over these strong emotions. I try and accept this is the case but only temporarily. Skin burning is still intense and some electric shocks on stomach 
5.30pm try and do online food shop with husband but I get an intense spike of chemical anxiety - something to do with remembering food shopping with mum - it is very intense I just breathe and breathe until the extreme peak has passed. The feeling is off the scale dark terror.

6.00pm take 1.5mg diazepam 

6.45pm tiny bit calmer now the painful emotion and strong chemical Terror burst has been muted

7.00pm manage some dinner 

7.30pm able to look at photos on tv that rotate on amazon fire stick of places around the world. We try and guess where they are. My mind stops going to the dark thoughts and memories because I am a tiny bit calmer 

8.00pm try and listen to meditation but I have to stop it as it’s making me feel some stomach churning dread. Think I have associated meditation with feeling bad. Will try again another day 

9.00pm take 16mg sertraline and try for sleep

 

*derealisation minimal

*intrusive random memories - don’t think I had any

*chemical depression - medium 

*restlessness and pacing with adrenaline feel - minimal 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

Kernol, I am wondering if the nighttime sertraline might be causing the bruxism. Would you consider gradually moving the sertraline earlier in the evening?

[Kernol]

Hi @Altostrata I’m scared to do anything at the moment as the destabilisation is so bad. Also I get the teeth slamming down if I sleep at all during the day so I lm not sure that it would help?

 

i am so scared - in your experience what do you think is happening? Is this a reaction to coming off vortioxetine do you think? I have been in this unbearable emotional hell for 18 days now and my skin has never burned so bad for so long. I keep thinking is it because this is the first time I have only had 16mg sertraline as when I started vortioxetine I was on 25mg sertraline? I just need some hope that I have any chance of stabilising as I fear the 2 short semi- windows I had at end of November and beginning of this month that only lasted a week and then second one wasn’t as good as the first one were just what they call this honeymoon period for coming off vortioxetine? I try and hold on to hope but this is the worst I have ever experienced and in worried this is it for me now - stuck like this because I have been kindled so many times and I have done too much damage 

[planifolia]

Thank you Kernol for posting on my thread. I am so sorry that you are going through such hell as well. I haven’t read your entire thread as reading makes my head feel like it will explode, but i have read your latest day journal and it truly seems horrific, and i can identify many of what im experiencing in your day to. 
 

hold on for dear life and know that this will pass. Thousands of people who have experienced what we have made it and have healed. The withdrawal mind is prone to catastrophic thinking and all doom and gloom but know its just thoughts and not reality, don’t entertain them or engage with them too much as you will give them undue validity.

 

keep going, you will be okay 👌🏻 

[Kernol]

Hi @Altostrata and @Shep I am just checking in to give an update. Things remain very intense in terms of symptoms and some have intensified over the last few weeks like the burning sizzling skin pain and I have developed some new ones such as a vibrating right foot on the inside like I have a mobile phone on vibrate inside it. The chemical terror is awful and unrelenting and my menstrual cycle seems to make things worse in particular derealisation and depression.

 

my question is - I have not touched my doses of sertraline or diazepam and I am now almost 3 months out from stopping vortioxetine - is this worsening to be expected? Should I just continue holding in the hope of some level of stabilisation? I don’t know how long is a reasonable time to hold in waiting for some form of settling in the symptoms? I am scared to touch anything but equally I feel trapped waiting with things worsening and not improving. Thanks for your help as always