LostRunner: took citalopram for 7 days - feel terrible 7 weeks later

[Longroadhome]

Well there’s some positives 

you’re not getting worse 

you say not noticing “much improvement “ so you have seen a little then ? 
you haven’t messed up at all you WILL get better. 
If you don’t want to keep a diary and I can understand your reasoning for that then mark off on a Calendar any  positive changes however small. 
 

[LostRunner]

@Longroadhome yeah it’s hard to say, maybe in the tiniest sense but It’s so tiny that I’m not sure it’s worth commenting on. I don’t feel anymore comfortable or able to do anything - still can’t watch tv and relax for example. My lower back is seriously messed up. My heart pounds 24/7 and still feels like it could give out any second.. there’s nothing that’s happened yet that has given me hope. Maybe I just haven’t had enough time yet. Still feels so surreal all of this. 

[Longroadhome]

4 minutes ago, LostRunner said:

@Longroadhome yeah it’s hard to say, maybe in the tiniest sense but It’s so tiny that I’m not sure it’s worth commenting on. I don’t feel anymore comfortable or able to do anything - still can’t watch tv and relax for example. My lower back is seriously messed up. My heart pounds 24/7 and still feels like it could give out any second.. there’s nothing that’s happened yet that has given me hope. Maybe I just haven’t had enough time yet. Still feels so surreal all of this. 

What tiny improvement  have you seen? 

[LostRunner]

@Longroadhome I mean it’s so tiny in my legs, they feel a bit stronger or a bit less cumbersome than before but they’re still both of those things. I don’t want to talk about it much incase it doesn’t get any better. When I say tiny I mean tiny. Don’t want to jinx it. It really isn’t anything to get excited about 

[Longroadhome]

1 minute ago, LostRunner said:

@Longroadhome I mean it’s so tiny in my legs, they feel a bit stronger or a bit less cumbersome than before but they’re still both of those things. I don’t want to talk about it much incase it doesn’t get any better. When I say tiny I mean tiny. Don’t want to jinx it. It really isn’t anything to get excited about 

Aaaaah that’s positive truly it is . That will slowly improve more and more . 
keep going you’ll get there ! 
Have a good weekend 😊

[LostRunner]

I’m so frustrated and devastated at my lack of progress. I desperately want my life back or at least a semblance of hope that I’ll get it back one day. People close to me are losing patience with me now and don’t understand how I can be so unwell and unable to do things. I’m being shouted at a lot. And I get why but what can I do. I’m mostly housebound and lately bed bound again. They see it as me not trying but they have no idea what this damage feels like. It’s like they forgot who I was just 9 months ago. I wasn’t like this before.

 

I’ve ruined every important relationship to me and feel very alone. I don’t know if I can do this much longer. It’s absolute unimaginable hell. I’ve damaged my back, I must have. It must be a neurotoxic injury. It doesn’t stop ‘moving’, pulsing, shaking, vibrating whatever. No dr can help me. There’s no test that can show what’s happening.  My back is very weak, lots of pressure, loss of movement, it affects my legs. my gait. My legs tingle and burn constantly. They are shakey. No let up in these symptoms. Strong pulsing thumping in chest. No window. Nothing to tell me this can go away. No lessening of intensity. I’m just so so damaged and can’t see a way out! I’m just crying constantly about the life I’ve lost.
 

Gosh if anyone ever has adverse effects from these things stop them straight away! Do not listen to drs who know nothing about the potential dangers. Trust your instincts and listen to your body. You are the only one who knows! 

[christianjw12]

2 hours ago, LostRunner said:

I’m so frustrated and devastated at my lack of progress. I desperately want my life back or at least a semblance of hope that I’ll get it back one day. People close to me are losing patience with me now and don’t understand how I can be so unwell and unable to do things. I’m being shouted at a lot. And I get why but what can I do. I’m mostly housebound and lately bed bound again. They see it as me not trying but they have no idea what this damage feels like. It’s like they forgot who I was just 9 months ago. I wasn’t like this before.

 

I’ve ruined every important relationship to me and feel very alone. I don’t know if I can do this much longer. It’s absolute unimaginable hell. I’ve damaged my back, I must have. It must be a neurotoxic injury. It doesn’t stop ‘moving’, pulsing, shaking, vibrating whatever. No dr can help me. There’s no test that can show what’s happening.  My back is very weak, lots of pressure, loss of movement, it affects my legs. my gait. My legs tingle and burn constantly. They are shakey. No let up in these symptoms. Strong pulsing thumping in chest. No window. Nothing to tell me this can go away. No lessening of intensity. I’m just so so damaged and can’t see a way out! I’m just crying constantly about the life I’ve lost.
 

Gosh if anyone ever has adverse effects from these things stop them straight away! Do not listen to drs who know nothing about the potential dangers. Trust your instincts and listen to your body. You are the only one who knows! 

 

@LostRunner, everybody here understands your pain to some degree. We are all suffering or have suffered, maybe some have even suffered more than you but everybody is different.

Don't try to control your feelings (physical ou psychological). Just let it go, don't put too much pressure on yourself because this is what is worsening your suffering.

I've been in withdrawal like you for about 7 months. I noticed some improvement but there are still some days I would wake up and feel so dissociated to this world and my surrounding. I would feel very anxious and very angry about what I'm experiencing. I would have thoughts like "If only I knew I would endure hell like that, I would never have taken those poison pills". "i want to sleep until I wake up and feel very healed", but the truth is there's no fast forward button in our lives and I don't think there should be. In our western world, we have this false mantra that everybody should find and feel hapiness. A true happy life isn't about feeling well every second of our living. No matter how hard we try to control our lives and our feelings, there will still be days we don't feel well because we broke up with our partners or we lose an important person of our life. Living a happy life is about living a meaningful life, it's about going in the direction of our values, no matter how much we suffer, we can still do things we love. You said you like to run and you can't at the moment, then fine, don't run for the moment, when you heal you'll be able to run again. You said that nobody of your surrounding understand your pain, it's normal, because they are not experiencing your symptoms. Even that you feel very disabled, there are still things you want to do in your life, try to find what you can do at the moment and focus on it. If you have negative thoughts and feel like you can't hold on anymore, just see them like words that appear in your mind. Don't fuse with them, bring back your attention to the very present moment. You'll heal, if people get damaged forever because of the withdrawal then this forum is useless. But when you see all those success stories, I can guarantee you that you'll also write one success story one day. We just don't know when but you'll eventually write one, I can guarantee you.

[MrMiyagi]

4 minutes ago, christianjw12 said:

 

@LostRunner, everybody here understands your pain to some degree. We are all suffering or have suffered, maybe some have even suffered more than you but everybody is different.

Don't try to control your feelings (physical ou psychological). Just let it go, don't put too much pressure on yourself because this is what is worsening your suffering.

I've been in withdrawal like you for about 7 months. I noticed some improvement but there are still some days I would wake up and feel so dissociated to this world and my surrounding. I would feel very anxious and very angry about what I'm experiencing. I would have thoughts like "If only I knew I would endure hell like that, I would never have taken those poison pills". "i want to sleep until I wake up and feel very healed", but the truth is there's no fast forward button in our lives and I don't think there should be. In our western world, we have this false mantra that everybody should find and feel hapiness. A true happy life isn't about feeling well every second of our living. No matter how hard we try to control our lives and our feelings, there will still be days we don't feel well because we broke up with our partners or we lose an important person of our life. Living a happy life is about living a meaningful life, it's about going in the direction of our values, no matter how much we suffer, we can still do things we love. You said you like to run and you can't at the moment, then fine, don't run for the moment, when you heal you'll be able to run again. You said that nobody of your surrounding understand your pain, it's normal, because they are not experiencing your symptoms. Even that you feel very disabled, there are still things you want to do in your life, try to find what you can do at the moment and focus on it. If you have negative thoughts and feel like you can't hold on anymore, just see them like words that appear in your mind. Don't fuse with them, bring back your attention to the very present moment. You'll heal, if people get damaged forever because of the withdrawal then this forum is useless. But when you see all those success stories, I can guarantee you that you'll also write one success story one day. We just don't when but you'll eventually write one, I can guarantee you.

@LostRunner Well in the middle of writing my reply to you I just read this reply by  @christianjw12 and I could not have said it any better. 

 

"You will get better I guarantee you"

[Longroadhome]

@LostRunner

 

You are probably in a wave. 
remember the other day you said your legs felt slightly stronger so even if this has gone away it could be because you’re  in a wave right now. 
In your early posts you also say you felt really dizzy you don’t mention this so has it got better? 
 

EVERYBODY heals and I have no doubt you will too. You are not damaged for good your body has reacted badly to the medication you took . It doesn’t matter if you take it for a week a month  or ten years  you have a brain injury and the natural outcome is recovery no matter how you have reacted symptom wise . Just because you can’t find anyone else that has the same symptoms as you really doesn’t matter the injury is the same. The outcome given time is the same. There are really only two differences in all of us 

 

The symptoms /severity we experience will be different 

The time for healing will be different 

 

 It’s a really lonely journey because unless someone has been through WD they have no idea of the suffering we go through . 
 

There is some really interesting material on here for family to read through to give them a better understanding of what we are going through have you showed family/friends  if not you need to? 
also Baylissa  book has a family section read. 
 

You will get through this and you will come out a better person stronger wiser and able to deal with whatever life throws at you . 
 

Keep going you will be rewarded x

[Aurorax]

You will heal, @LostRunner 🦋

   But I have to say I'm upset that your close ones are shouting at you. They are probably scared and frustrated too, but taking their frustration out on you is not ok. (At least not in my opinion)
   Have you considered letting them read some of your posts? It's very apparent to me (and probably everyone else here) that you are trying and that you want to live an active life again more than anything.
   I have found that it's easier to make people understand when I write to them. That gives them time to think. Maybe you can explain to them how difficult this is for you, without complaining. Tell them how much they mean to you and how much you value their support.

 

I don't like to recommend treatments when I don't have proof that they work. But I found manual osteopathic treatment helpful to speed up the recovery and release tension. It could be worth a try.

 

Sending you hugs ❤️

 

Aurorax

[Nyfa25]

On 07/11/2020 at 15:08, LostRunner said:

Je suis tellement frustré et dévasté par mon manque de progrès. Je veux désespérément que ma vie revienne ou au moins un semblant d'espoir que je la récupère un jour. Les gens proches de moi perdent patience avec moi maintenant et ne comprennent pas comment je peux être si malade et incapable de faire les choses. On me crie beaucoup. Et je comprends pourquoi mais que puis-je faire. Je suis principalement confiné à la maison et dernièrement lié à nouveau au lit. Ils voient que je n'essaye pas mais ils n'ont aucune idée de ce que ressentent ces dégâts. C'est comme s'ils avaient oublié qui j'étais il y a à peine 9 mois. Je n'étais pas comme ça avant.

 

J'ai ruiné toutes les relations importantes avec moi et je me sens très seul. Je ne sais pas si je peux faire ça plus longtemps. C'est un enfer absolument inimaginable. J'ai endommagé mon dos, je dois l'avoir. Ce doit être une lésion neurotoxique. Il n'arrête pas de «bouger», de palpiter, de trembler, de vibrer quoi que ce soit. Aucun docteur ne peut m'aider. Aucun test ne peut montrer ce qui se passe. Mon dos est très faible, beaucoup de pression, une perte de mouvement, cela affecte mes jambes. ma démarche. Mes jambes picotent et brûlent constamment. Ils sont tremblants. Pas de relâche dans ces symptômes. Forte pulsation dans la poitrine. Pas de fenêtre. Rien pour me dire que cela ne peut disparaître. Pas de diminution d'intensité. Je suis tellement endommagé et je ne vois pas de sortie! Je pleure constamment à propos de la vie que j'ai perdue.
 

Gosh si quelqu'un a déjà des effets néfastes de ces choses, arrêtez-les immédiatement! N'écoutez pas les drs qui ne savent rien des dangers potentiels. Faites confiance à votre instinct et écoutez votre corps. Vous êtes le seul à savoir! 

 

Oooh how I understand you! For me this drug ruined a big part of my life, I lost my dog that I loved very much, I lost my job and my relationships with my boyfriend and my friends deteriorated severely... but I feel gradually improvements, I try to focus on that and "force" myself into my relationships to look normal as before despite my symptoms sometimes very strong !

 

Try to concentrate on other things even when the symptoms are too strong, I noticed that the more I think about my symptoms the stronger they are...

I’m sure you will heal but I understand that it is extremely difficult, I have been living it for 4 months, very, very hard times but try to have a little hope 💪

I know how hard and frustrating it is, believe me I would give anything to go back 4 months and especially not take those horrible drugs, unfortunately this is not possible so I try to force myself to focus on the future and healing, please try to do it too 💪

[ddubb]

@LostRunner I’m sorry you’re still having such a difficult time. Have you consulted with a functional medicine practitioner?

[Longroadhome]

How are you ? 

@LostRunner

[Aurorax]

How are you doing, @LostRunner? ❤️

 

Aurorax

[LostRunner]

hi @Auroraxand @Longroadhome- sorry for lack of replies on here, don't really know what to say. I'm terrible still, mentally and physically, have very little hope that this will get better. Just doesn't seem possible. Thank you for asking. I hope you're doing well. 

[Longroadhome]

31 minutes ago, LostRunner said:

hi @Auroraxand @Longroadhome- sorry for lack of replies on here, don't really know what to say. I'm terrible still, mentally and physically, have very little hope that this will get better. Just doesn't seem possible. Thank you for asking. I hope you're doing well. 

Have you had no improvements not even small tiny ones ? 

[LostRunner]

@Longroadhome no not really. I feel completely out of it and my back/spine still pulses 24/7. Constant torture. Only what I mentioned previous with the slight change in my legs, but not a lot at all (and my periods have returned after 6 months). I've started eating healthily recently, increasing fruit and veg. Don't know what else to do. im completely devastated. Its like I dont want to die but equally living like this is just not acceptable/possible. At a loss! 

[Longroadhome]

The fact your periods have returned is a good sign it shows your body is beginning to heal also your legs are a little better and that’s a good sign too

keep going take one day at a time . It could even be that one day you will get up and it will all be gone. This can happen . 
 

You’ve got through each day so far and you can get through each day going forward until recovery finds you.

 

Time is the healer . 

[LostRunner]

Thank you for your encouragement @Longroadhome it’s so hard to notice improvements and think they mean anything when I feel so damaged still, but thank you, I can only hope for more improvements in the coming months. Gosh it’s so scary! 

[Longroadhome]

I’m with you there Lostrunner 

it’s the scariest journey I’ve ever been on . 
 

ive had a floaty boat/dizzy head and body constant for the last 5 months. 
I’m  logging my symptoms and have noticed I do have windows snd waves. 
so if you don’t I would recommend you log your symptoms to look out for fluctuations in them. 

[LostRunner]

No doubt about it! makes very little sense. 

Thanks I'll try doing that. I hope you get relief soon! 

[sunnysideup69]

Dear @LostRunner, it is indeed a very good sign that your periods have come back. Your endocrine system is healing, all of our systems get thrown out of whack by these drugs. So , that's a great sign oh healing.

Even if your mood is still low, your body is healing. 

You are absolutely right to hope for more improvements in coming months. They will come.

Sending you good wishes for 2021 xxx

[LostRunner]

Thanks @sunnysideup69 my only wish at the moment is to feel comfortable in my body again, what a simple thing! All those years I spent feeling comfortable. Feels like a dream! I hope this coming year is a good one for you and you continue to get better. Thank you for your encouragement! X

[mva96]

Hey Lost Runner,

 

Sorry to hear you've had a rough time with WD, Its great to hear you've seen some improvements even if they feel tiny. Keep taking it one day at a time, the body and brain always heal!

 

You've got this 🙂

[LostRunner]

Thanks @mva96much appreciated! Taking it one day at a time x

[Aurorax]

Good to hear that you have seen improvements, @LostRunner, even if I know they feel small.
 
Healing from these drugs is a little like watching a plant grow. We sit and look at it, and it seems like nothing happens, even though it's growing. Trust your body. It's healing, even if it may not seem like it is.

 

On 12/21/2020 at 6:20 PM, Longroadhome said:

It could even be that one day you will get up and it will all be gone. This can happen . 

 

This is very true. A lot of the healing takes place in the dark, and all of a sudden persistent symptoms just disappear. It can happen tomorrow or a few months from now. 🦋✨

 

Sending you hugs  ❤️
 
Aurorax

[LostRunner]

Thank you @Aurorax wishing you a merry xmas and a happy 2021!

[Aurorax]

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, too! ✨Looking forward to following your progress!

[xero]

This thread is something I hold very close to me. I was told to CT by my NP from trazodone after 19 days. Been out of of it since the 7th of November. I had to come off because of adverse effects and it honestly brought on depression and didn't even help me sleep. Just like you @LostRunner I've been digging everywhere on Facebook groups and on here for any info on short term use and discontinuation. This thread is very helpful. I'm very sorry for your pain and suffering when it comes to your back. Im Im The same boat but with my vision. I don't have intense body pain it anything like that but my eyes get flickering on the peripheral and can even see weird things on digital screens others can't. It's so unsettling and I know it all happened the day I went of these things. I know what you mean when you say that not even a couple months ago I was a normal 28 yr old guy with tons of charisma and humor. These things robbed me of that and left me with tons of dark floaters and ridiculous visual issues I can't explain. My retinal specialist can't either. Even got the brain MRI and luckily nothing came up. But man the mornings are disgusting to me like I'm hoping for some sort of miracle that'll never come. After reading all your posts I seriously wish I could give you a massive hug. I don't know your pain exactly but I do know the feeling of deep regret and the sorrow that follows it for taking these things. It's the only AD I've ever taken in my life and was for sleep of all things. I never needs these disgusting things in me. I hear so many ppl say that "it'll get better" but it's hard to feel anything but doubt. Especially after reading your case. But I do believe in them I do. This place is filled with such compassionate ppl it's sometimes the only thing that distracts me from the games my brain and eyes play. I seriously wish you well and send nothing but love. I will keep up with this thread for as long as we're all in this fight. You all are a huge help. I'm on day 48 of being off the trazodone. I pray my brain will improve and who knows... Maybe my sight will normalise a bit. 

God bless you runner. I wish I could do more 💐

[Longroadhome]

Merry Christmas 🎄 @LostRunner

i have a sneaky feeling in 2021 you are going to see changes in a positive way !! 
so I wish you a very healthy 2021

lets see what it brings .. 

 

[Longroadhome]

Hi @LostRunner

checking in how are things going 

any improvements ? 

[LostRunner]

Thank you @Longroadhome for the check in. How are you doing?

 

I'm coming up to 14 months since the adverse reaction. If I look back to last year when this started then I'm better in terms of not pacing for hours on end and feeling very manic etc. The strength in my legs seems to have improved a bit (though still feels wobbly because of my weird spine). I still have brain fog & disconnected from everything. My scariest symptom by far is my spine as I haven't really had much improvement in it at all. It is weak, spasms/pulses constantly and I have intense pressure in it especially when I sit down. I have to move around all the time, it never stops! And cause I don't know what it is, its upsetting to know how to deal with it. I still feel like I've ruined my life, I'm struggling every day & finding it really really hard to deal with. Sorry I can't be more positive, I hope you are doing better than me! 

[Daisygirlsk]

15 hours ago, LostRunner said:

Thank you @Longroadhome for the check in. How are you doing?

 

I'm coming up to 14 months since the adverse reaction. If I look back to last year when this started then I'm better in terms of not pacing for hours on end and feeling very manic etc. The strength in my legs seems to have improved a bit (though still feels wobbly because of my weird spine). I still have brain fog & disconnected from everything. My scariest symptom by far is my spine as I haven't really had much improvement in it at all. It is weak, spasms/pulses constantly and I have intense pressure in it especially when I sit down. I have to move around all the time, it never stops! And cause I don't know what it is, its upsetting to know how to deal with it. I still feel like I've ruined my life, I'm struggling every day & finding it really really hard to deal with. Sorry I can't be more positive, I hope you are doing better than me! 

This sounds like akathisia to me? My friend describes hers almost the same.

[LostRunner]

Hi @Daisygirlsk yes I definitely know what you mean, i've heard people with akathisia talk about a spine sensation.  I don't think I have the same as this is more of a heavy pressure that interferes with the way I move my legs and sit, my spine feels like its a bit mangled and very uncomfortable. My bum goes completely numb when I sit for 10 mins.. its hard to describe but very worrying. When I stand my back doesn't feel strong enough to support me kind of thing. I think I definitely had akathisia last year as I was pacing up and down for hours, out of my mind. How are you doing? I see by your signature that you also took citalopram!

[Longroadhome]

@LostRunner

you haven’t ruined your life . You will heal completely and the fact that some symptoms are getting better is testament to that . 
Time and patience are the key even though it’s the last thing we want to hear . Keep going . 

[Totallylost]

9 hours ago, LostRunner said:

Hi @Daisygirlsk yes I definitely know what you mean, i've heard people with akathisia talk about a spine sensation.  I don't think I have the same as this is more of a heavy pressure that interferes with the way I move my legs and sit, my spine feels like its a bit mangled and very uncomfortable. My bum goes completely numb when I sit for 10 mins.. its hard to describe but very worrying. When I stand my back doesn't feel strong enough to support me kind of thing. I think I definitely had akathisia last year as I was pacing up and down for hours, out of my mind. How are you doing? I see by your signature that you also took citalopram!

Your story sounds very similar to mine although I stupidly tried 2 different drugs after it for short term couldn’t handle them either, I have the most horrible feeling in my stomach back and throat that doesn’t give me much peace at all can’t sleep for it, wish everyday I hadn’t touched anything because I just don’t feel anything anymore