Fightinghard: overcoming

[Fightinghard]

This is another hard one.  Something had to trigger this because it’s pretty intense.  Agitation, etc.  It has to be the vaccine or covid.  Things have ramped up the past few days which makes me think COVID19 but I’m asymptomatic in terms of covid.   So I’m not sure really what’s going on but I’m the end all I can do is wait it out and hope it calms soon.  Last Monday I was having a great day.  The only thing I can think is the covid angle since I had the vaccine booster December 22.  Usually things calm down but the evening.  I’m hoping. 

[Phoenixmama]

sending you window vibes my friend 🌞

[Fightinghard]

As I’m working though this wave I’m realizing I’ve had several symptoms leave me the past few months.  I can’t remember the last time I had one and I did get them weekly for sure. I also don’t have my tight burning chest like I once did. I’m still up and down in this wave.  This morning I thought I might be coming out b of it but I’m still in it strong.  At this point the why doesn’t matter. I just need to keep up the hard work and distract and stay calm. Right now I’m very easily stimulated so going out is not a good options. Talking too much can set me off right now.  Definitely several steps back this go around. The other positive I’m seeing is the restlessness and limb sensations I had a few days ago have passed out greatly reduced.  So I’m hopeful this increased stimulation recedes quickly so I can get back out walking further again and driving again.   Evenings have been a little better so I’m banking on that tonight. 
 

these days are hard for sure. 

[Fightinghard]

Also very little fear lately, less despair and dread.  So things are improving.  Ic was just thinking about what I’ve not had in awhile.  It’s hard to remember. You forget things as you go along and then you’re like oh what about that.  This will pass too.  

[mstimc]

Fighting, you are experiencing the roller-coaster nature of recovery--some symptoms come and go or change in intensity.  The most valuable lesson you're taking from this is staying focused on healing, and accepting recovery isn't linear.  

20 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

 At this point the why doesn’t matter.

You are so right!  We cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary grief by trying to find the cause of our symptoms, when there really isn't any cause other than our thought and behavioral patterns.   The important thing is how we manage the feelings to rob them of their power.  You are well on your way to full recovery!

[Fightinghard]

Quick update. I’m slowly come out of this wave I think. Things are muting a little bit. This is the first time in months I’ve not had a burning chest or sensitive, jumpy legs.  Maybe I’ll come out if this wave with a new found baseline. I’m hoping.  It’s still hard but better. I don’t want to push too much but maybe I’ll be able to walk and exercise tomorrow again. Last night I slept probably 6-7 straight hours?  That’s good for me. 

[Phoenixmama]

❤️🌞💪

[Alice1]

@Fightinghard

Just stopping by to see how you are doing ? 

[Fightinghard]

I’m hanging in there.  I think I’m coming out of this wave.  I’m getting more and more moments of doing things I couldn’t.  Watching tv, sitting at dinner without agitation, talking at length with my family, driving is better.  Today I did a 3 hours zoom call. 2 weeks so I couldn’t handle 30 minutes.     So I’m seeing progress. I’m getting more moments of fatigue.  No pacing lately.  Restlessness is less.  Agitation gets me but it does seem less. Motivation is not great.  It’s like I can do normal things at times and I don’t even recognize my symptoms.  I’m taking your approach with doing things as normal as I can without doing too much. Distracting and keeping busy. It does seem like the volume is turning down on this stuff more and more with the occasional spike.  Exercise is minimal but I started again today.  I need to get out in crowds and see how I do.  Either the COVID vaccine or Covid got me I think.   How are you?  I know you had a rough spot there

[Alice1]

@Fightinghard

Yeah, I'm pretty bad but I'm getting ready to address a lot of things on a psychological level .  I went impatient a month ago and it didn't do me any favors. I'm on Depakote now which is hard to tell if it's doing anything .  I want to taper but something tells me my symptoms will get worse because it is doing something .  We had a chemical spill here at my house (Goo Gone) and I think those vapors made things worse, plus I'm walking everyday again per our friends advice and I'm sure that's making things harder . 

 

Anyway just checking in . Keep in touch ..

[Fightinghard]

Sorry to hear.  You’ve had some tough things with Covid, etc. but it settles with time.  I hear you with the depakote.  The more I’m around this it sure seems like our brains need consistency more than anything. So anything that changes it up can cause issues.  That’s why I’m not doing anything outside of some simple supplements slowly.  I started vitamin c. I’ve heard good things for agitation and calming in general.  I started low and I have to say in notice it helps.  250mg at most. I try to eat consistent.  Exercise I also do lightly. I was on a great role with that until this setback. I’m slowly starting again.  Walking and stretching with movements.  No weights. 
 

I’ve been trying to stay off the forums as much as I can.  I do think mindset helps and reduces stress.  
 

 

[sufferingpassenger]

hi @Fightinghard glad to hear that your COVID triggered wave is now resolving ... keen to understand how long did this wave last. I have COVID two weeks back and it has triggered a wave of crippling anxiety which chest tightness and full body sensations 

[Fightinghard]

It’s hard to say what I’m going through.  I’m still not totally to baseline but I’m not sure what’s causing it. Could be a normal wave.  So I’m sorry I don’t have great answers for you. But I’ll say I’ve had a lot of stress that is not helping my cause.  I’ve also had a few decent windows.  The people I’ve talked to have said 6-8 weeks before baseline.  Good luck!  

[SonSetFree]

I’m in the same boat, Covid in late December and wave started about five days in.  Seemed to let up in week 2 then for a few days and then came back in full force. So been about six weeks for me and still really bad crushing anxiety, depression, insomnia, dizziness and more.  

[misza]

Dear ones,

 

I read reports in this forum about the problems after the third dose of the Covid vaccine. Last summer, I took two doses of the Pfizer vaccine and had no problems with my withdrawal syndrome. On January 31 this year, I took a third dose (called a booster) of Pfizer vaccine and it started to get into trouble. On the very same day, I felt sick, and with each passing day it was getting worse - all the serious symptoms from the first months after discontinuation of the drug returned, such as paranoia, extreme panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, nervous movements and derealization. Next Monday (February 14), it will be exactly two weeks from taking the third dose, and my situation is not improving. I still hope that these symptoms are only temporary and will not interfere in any way with our continued recovery.

 

All the best!

[Phoenixmama]

@Fightinghard hi just passing by to say hello and to see how your doing 🌞

[Fightinghard]

@PhoenixmamaThanks for stopping by!  I’m seeing some progress.   I’m having more moments where this doesn’t dominate me.   I’m doing more with my kids and wife.  So I’m getting there.  To be honest I’m staying away from groups and thinking about WD.  I just happen to check in and see this.  I’m finding overall My mind is better the less I can focus on it.  I’ve had several people tell me to just live life as normally as I can.  Knowing it will be hard.   I’m trying to do that.  I still have my symptoms.  But some are less intense and some seem to have left at least for now.  I hope you are doing well!

[Phoenixmama]

Im doing well too and staying off sa and living life as normal as I can …. ☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

[Fightinghard]

I haven’t posted in a bit.  I’ve been trying to live life as best I can without focusing on the symptoms, etc.  overall I’ve been doing well with the normal waves and windows pattern.  I’ve become so much more functional. Back in august I could hardly leave my house, sit with family or drive.  Yesterday I went to a college lacrosse game in the sun with a crowd.  Drove 20 minutes each way.  The day before I spent 3 hours at my old office talking.  I work from home daily on my computer and making calls each day. I walk everyday for at least 30 minutes. I do light stretching and exercise several days a week.   I can watch tv easier although still not like it’sn normal.  Music while driving is becoming more the norm now.  Many things have improved.  I’ve had some windows that I think ‘this is it’ I’m in the home stretch.  Then I get hit.  My sleep is overall better most nights. A bad night now is 4-5 hours before I wake and then back to sleep for 2 or so.  Usually I’m awake for an hour. I’ve had several nights month where I’m sleeping 6-7 hours straight.  My mornings are still hard most days but definitely less than in the past.  I’m finding that if I do things like I did yesterday it can set me into a harder wave but usually it’s not very long Maybe a few days at most. Then I tend to be better.  Is almost like I have to push past the comfort zone to get to the next level. In late March I started going to my sons volleyball games 2 Times a week with crowds and loud activities.   In fact last Friday I went to a game by myself just to watch.  Not my sons games.  The first time I went it was hard.  The last have wasn’t bad at all.  That’s within a month time.  So I’m improving there.   I can drive upwards of 2 hours. 3 hours of zoom and phone calls.  I’m doing so much more.   Now I’m not symptom free at all.  And some days are much harder than others.  But I’m doing more than I ‘feel’ I can.  And some sometimes there’s consequences but others I’m ok. 
 

I still take melatonin and occasionally vitamin C.  I try to eat healthy.  I try to do’ feel good things’ with my wife and kids.  I’m a believer in the anxious truth and Claire weeks.   I’ve also used the Gupta program for positive Retraining.  While I have no doubt that this is an injury that needs to heal, I do think learning to manage my ‘natural’ anxiety will only help me calm my cns even more.  I also think that these small challenges I’ve done with events helps my cns heal even though it may be hard for a bit. It’s like the cns needs to adapt to each new challenge.  That’s my guess but who am I?   So I’d say on a good day I’m 70% there. Minor symptoms that don’t impede much. Usually my endurance is my problem.   My bad days I’m probably 30%.  I still go out but it’s much harder.   So I’ll keep slowly doing things and staying the course.   I’m hoping one day this melt away and I don’t even notice it.  The other day I was thinking I may never update again because I was feeling better.  It’s weird how as you improve you truly want nothing to do with the forums and WD. 

[mstimc]

Hi Fighting

 

Great to hear from you!  Yes, one day you will be back 100%.  That 100% may look a bit different from what it was before WD, but it can also be better.  There came a point when I was on PaxilProgress that I really backed away from posting; I think its a natural part of the healing process.  But if you can, please post occasionally.  I think its important for other members to see success stories, especially for those who don't think they're making any progress.  Recovery happens over time, and sometimes you have to look back months instead of day to day.  Thanks again and take care! 

[Fightinghard]

Hey Mstimc!  Great to hear from you!  I’m still in it but I think the difference between now and months ago is most days I feel more confident?  Today is probably a hard of a day as I’ve had but it’s still better than it was. I think it will pass quickly over the next few days.  But you know what?  I did something I hadn’t done in a year.  I think you’re right. I may never be the same person but I’m ok with that.  I see glimpses of the new ‘me’.  And I’m looking forwArd to it.  You know, after 21 months of this I’m convinced I’m nothing more than a ‘worse version of who I wasI’ before meds.  My anxiety is still here.  Note though is on steroids.  
 

I’ll post as I go. Is weird because last week it was too triggering. Today I’m fine. Things change.  Last week my emotions were on high alert.  Today I’m more stimulated easily again.  Up and down. Many things have improved (my skin is so much less dry, my hair grew back in my legs, I’m rarely depressed) so progress is there.  In so many ways.  Hope you are well!  As always thanks for your support! 

[Believer]

@Fightinghard

Thanks so much for your update. 
 

Good for your for listening to your body and pushing when you feel you can, and also not pushing, it is a hard balance sometimes.

 

I hope you continue to see improvements and keep us updated.

 

Believer

[Fightinghard]

The balance of doing things versus not is so hard.  My ability to handle stimulation seems better overall. I’ve been able to watch tv more, drive, talk on the phone, attend my kids practice and games.  A lot of normal things. Now I’m rarely symptom free but I am having days with lower intensity symptoms.  
 

Yesterday I woke up and walked for 45 minutes.  Did some minor chores outside like picking up sticks. Played with my daughter for a bit with a volleyball.  Why and grabbed for four lunch Ave watched a have on tv for 2 hours. Then I went to my daughters cheer practice and from there my sons volleyball practice.   Came home, made dinner and then just played games on my phone and searched this site some. The wave started later in the evening. On paper I had a normal day. Again symptoms were there but I did things and was reasonably ok. Last night though my wave hit hard.  Poor sleep, intense symptoms, etc.  this morning is harder than it’s been.  
 

my recent experiences have been that if I challenge my cns too much, things get harder for a day or so.  Then I tend to get a better day or more.  I’m not purposefully pushing myself anymore as much as doing things in the moment.  I tend to feel better if I’m active. The balance is what’s too much?  But I’m also finding that things that were hard and set off waves a month ago, no aren’t as bad and I can tolerate better.  So I’m wondering if that stress actually helps this heal long term even if in the short term it’s harder?  Today I’ll walk and work from home. Maybe do an errand or 2 later just to get out.  I went force to much. Maybe I’ll just go to a park and walk or sit.  Anyone else experience this?  Do things and you pay for it but the next time you do it you’re in a better place? Slightly?  
 

it’s a rollercoaster ride for sure.  But I have seen improvements and things are going the right direction.  I think really my only choice is to do what I can everyday but don’t force anything you don’t have to. 
 

 

[Ninabird]

How are you doing Fighting hard?🙂

[mstimc]

You're doing great, Fighting.  It is a rollercoaster, but like all rides, it has end.  And each day is one closer!

[Fightinghard]

@Ninabird Hi Nina-  thanks for stopping by my thread. I’m doing ok but I’m in a wave currently so after a few decent days It’s hard. But I expect this will end soon and I’ll be at a better baseline.  How are you doing?

[Ninabird]

Hi fightinghard,

 

Hmmmm.....how am I doing? I think all things considering, I am doing ok. WD has been tough. I am very lucky that I experience good moments in my day and that sleep has not been affected terribly. Sleep is so important. 

 

Let's chat about the good stuff. I worked for a few hours today ( I am a Realtor in Ca) I walked both of my dogs this morning before it got too hot outside. I made homemade spaghetti sauce early this morning ( I am learning to get things done when I am feeling decent) I did a little bit of housework, I am about to go to Fedex to mail a present for my little sister. Isn't it wild that these little things are big things in the world of WD? 

 

How is your WD going? Have you been able to work? How long have you been in WD?

 

It is very nice meeting you. I hope your wave is brief and your upcoming window long and amazing!

 

Nina

[Fightinghard]

@Ninabirdsounds like you’re doing well!   All considering.  I’m 22 months into this mess.  Looking back I believe now that I had an adverse reaction to Zoloft and then WD from lexapro after a 11 week stint taking it.  Overall I’m doing better. I’m much more functional now than months ago.  My first 11 months I worked but very limited. Then I had a set back and I had to take off from work for 4 months. I’m back now, working from home doing what  I can.  I’m slowly  improving from this.  It’s been a Long road. I have had since nice windows the past month and the waves are less intense. It’s still harder than I’d like.   I’m hopeful I’m on the backend of this and I’ll continue to improve like I have the past few months. 
 

I’m glad you can sleep and you’re able to be reasonably functional.  My advice is be consistent and also work on the issues that lead you to taking meds.  For me that has helped a lot.  
 

nice to meet you.  I have been saying  away from the forums when I’m in my windows. Being here tells me I’m in wave.  
 

 

[Ninabird]

What happened after the first 11 months that caused the setback? If that’s too personal, I’ll understand. 

Consistent how? 

I stay away from caffeine, I don’t smoke, I gave up alcohol a year ago. I rarely ever drank anyway. I don’t do drugs. My vice unfortunately is candy. I love sweets. 
Im hoping that if im having moments of peace  in my day than that is a positive sign???? 

 

My friends wish that I wouldn’t come on this site. They feel it’s too negative and will scare me. Some posts are frightening. You think, “ oh my gosh… will I get worse? Will I become unable to work like some of these poor souls… am I ever going to heal?”  But then there is the peer/ moderator support that you can’t get from your family/friends because they’ve never been through this. I do try to not go on daily. Not obsessing over how I feel. 
 

im so glad you are getting better even if it is slowly. Well, time to get in the house ( sitting out in the shade w my dog) and set the table for dinner. I have a few friends stopping by for a bite to eat. 
 

I pray for a peaceful night for you. 
 

Nina
 

[Fightinghard]

@Ninabird So my setback in my opinion is from reducing/stopping my melatonin.  I think it’s probably more complicated but I went from driving 3000 miles a month in April and May to housebound in June and the only change was reducing my melatonin.  I decided in august to hold steady at a very low dose and stabilize. I’ve made many improvements;  I can drive, go to stores, sporting events, listen to music, watch tv.  I walk everyday. Compared to months ago I’ve come along way.  I have to agree with your friends;  this site is great in many ways but I’m finding it can negatively influence you. I take with several people that are healed and they all team tell me get out of the groups and do as much as you can safely.  Don’t hold back but be smart. To me consistency is not doing drastic changes to your supplements, diet drugs and activities. Slowly add things as you improve.  But sunny stay stagnant. In my opinion.  So for me that means I go places everyday. I walk a little further each day. I’m up to 45 minutes.  I’m in a windows and waves pattern. I get moments where I’m thinking I’m turning the corner then I hit a wave and I end up back here. Tuesday and this morning I was doing well. Tonight, I’m feeling it. But I did light yard work for 45 minutes so I’m guessing that gets me going. I find that when things are hard after doing things the next time I do it ours better. If you’re getting moments of calm I’d say you’re getting windows and they should continue to improve and get better and longer.  You’re doing great with your diet and activity.  As I said My healed mentors tell me to live as much as I can.  When I started doing that, I’ve seen improvements even though at times it’s really hard.  But my really hard now is still much less than my worst months ago.  My good days I’m probably 80 percent there. It’s shocking when I look back I think I couldn’t walk around my block out drive a mile and now I do those things without thinking.   So keep going.   You’ll see I pop in and out of here and like I said it parallels my waves.  One last thing that I think is important in my experience.  Work on your anxiety. Read Claire weeks.   My therapist(he went through benzo/ad WD)  tells me I’m a worse version of myself and that I shouldn’t blame my WD completely on the drugs and my anxiety plays a role.  So for example, reading bad stories here raise my anxiety… which excites my cns.  
 

 

[Ninabird]

Hi FH,

 

How are you doing today? I downloaded one of the books from Claire Weeks on Audible. She has a beautiful accent. I am looking forward to listening to it. Thank you for the recommendation. 

 

You know, I thing "setbacks," are the same as a wave. From what I have read, waves can come from out of the lea. I suppose we roll with it when it comes our way. 

 

I find that when I am in a lovely wave (insert sarcasm) I am on this site hopelessly looking for an answer. I am working hard at not doing this because I think your therapist is right....we are our worst enemies in this WD. Reading others horror stories only adds to our anxiety. I read the success stories mixed with the informative links that this site puts out. The wealth of knowledge on this site is impressive. So many people hard at work to find answers to better support those suffering. 

 

Yesterday my morning was a little tough  but my afternoon and evening went really nicely! I absolutely love being in a window. I slept fantastic too. The cherry on top was that I didn't wake to anxiety! I woke to birds singing outside of my window! That hasn't happened in a year! Small victories!! 

 

I live in Northern Ca and it is starting to hot during the day so I take my dogs out for their walk around 8am. It was such a pretty morning. A slight breeze, lea skies, the wagging tails of my dogs. Happy morning. Altostrata has me spacing a few medications apart to see if it helps with my mid-day symptoms. That woman has an impressive brain. I admire her for taking her own past suffering and turning it into a quest to help others. THAT is true healing. 

 

Well, my friend I am thinking good thoughts for you. I hope you get a chance to do something fun with your kids. Sending you strength and joy.

 

Ninabird

[Fightinghard]

After several very busy, ‘normal’ said last night I got hit hard with cortisol surges. The last time this happened it was similar;  I had a good busy day or 2 and then bam a horrible night. My sleep isn’t normal yet but I have had moments where it’s pretty good. Even the bad nights during my normal patterns are probably 6 ish hours total sleep. I’ve had 7 hour here and there stretches the past 2 months.
 

I’ve really increased my activity lately.  Primarily because I hate to sit and wallow in how I feel but also because I’ve been told by several that have healed to do what I can. Then I also have my kids and having to do what I can to be there for them.  This past Thursday I attended my daughters 5th grade and my sons 8th grade graduations. They were loud and busy but I did ok in the moment with both. Not terrible and I actually chose to socialize with some people. Friday I went to my old office for work. I’m currently working from home but I decided to go in and work there.  I sent several hours there and went to lunch with my friend. Then later that evening I attended a lacrosse game and talked with some old friends. So on paper very normal days. Through in all the trips to the store and cooking dinner, etc and it seems ok.  But I do have some hard symptoms still going on. I’m still very sensitive to things. Simple conversations can get my anxiety/agitation going. Usually it starts and then calms down while I’m talking.  I have strange feelings in my legs.  They’re hypersensitive.  I get moments of despair and occasional depression/sadness. But at times I feel more like myself?  Like my mind is back to being more me?  Does that make sense?  But I’m dealing with symptoms at the same time.  I’m really not sure how to push forward.  Sitting and waiting on my phone or computer reading about WD just doesn’t seem like the best thing for me.  But doing things All the time May be too much as well.  Sometimes I believe I have to go through these waves after the increased activity. It’s just the brain adjusting to the new level of activity. And until the activity plateaus the waves will occur whenever the threshold is crossed.  I telling myself back in January I could hardly leave my house again after the booster shot out it may have been Covid.  But I was so sensitized that I couldn’t do much. At least I’ve been able to be very busy but with some waves that have been hard but that do seem to pass.  
 

I’ve had several solid windows the past month and overall the volume of the symptoms had decreased most of the time. So I’m optimistic things will continue to improve and I’ll have to figure out how to manage this without overdoing out. My one friend said dip your toes in the water…. I’m trying but sometimes I go to far. 

[Ninabird]

FH-

Hello there! It sounds like you are making great progress. It may not seem that way to you but from where you started…. 
I think I’m our quest to feel “ normal,” again we push way too hard during a window. What I have learned over the last year plus is to listen to my inner voice when it tells me “enough.” I don’t fight that voice anymore. If I think “ oh sure, you can finish 10 more items on your to-do list!) if I push too hard even though I’m feeling ok, I’ll pay for it in the form of a wave. 
Be kind to yourself. You are still healing. This takes time. It’s not linear. It’s frustrating as hell when all you want is to feel better and you will, you will…. You are already on your way. 
Be gentle with yourself. Celebrate your victories today. You’ll be having many more to come. 
 

NB

[mstimc]

7 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

I’ve had several solid windows the past month and overall the volume of the symptoms had decreased most of the time. So I’m optimistic things will continue to improve and I’ll have to figure out how to manage this without overdoing out. My one friend said dip your toes in the water…. I’m trying but sometimes I go to far.

Fighting, you have the right outlook--looking at your recovery in the long term, as improvement over weeks or months instead of day-to-day.  You have come so far compared to just a few months ago--you are well on the way to full recovery!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimcthanks for the encouragement! It’s kind of ironic I was just driving after dropping my son off at practice and I was thinking to myself when is the next lacrosse game. And as I pointed dawned on me that I’m looking ahead to doing things that I used to enjoy and we’re passions of mine. If you look through my thread getting back to the beginning of August 2020 really do I mention lacrosse if it all up until recently. Now I’m searching out to attend games and watch it on TV. I may not always be in the best place in order to do that.  But I do want to and I am looking forward to it. The other thing it tells me is that I am not totally focused on withdrawal at this moment. Which again is good in terms of where I am in my recovery. While still is more prevalent in my day-to-day thoughts and I’d like  it is becoming less especially on better days. Today’s been hard, but I still am learning that the hard days do end and things tend to be better after a few hard days. At least in my recovery. Thanks again! I hope my next post offers more improvement and is less about a wave and more about windows. 

[mstimc]

Remember, even "normal" people have good days and bad days.  Don't judge yourself too harshly when you don't feel 100% in the moment.  The fact you're making the effort and looking forward to the next game with anticipation instead of dread is huge.  Your brain is telling you these moments are created to be enjoyed instead of feared!