Fightinghard: overcoming

[Fightinghard]

It’s been a few weeks since my last update. Last weekend I had a big weekend. I went with my family to a volleyball tournament almost 3 hours away. The thought of staying in a small hotel room with 4 people plus a very busy, very stimulating weekend watching volleyball seemed impossible. In the End, all went ok all considering.  The first day I lasted all day. 6 or so hours of volleyball that was so loud my wife needed Advil. I cheered for my son and socialized. At one point I felt so proud and happy for him. It was great.  I thought I was coming out if it. That evening we had dinner with 30 plus people. It was hard with anxiety and agitation but again I made through joking and socializing. The second day was also busy and finished up with a 3 hour drive home. Which I did all of it.  So as a whole the weekend was a success. Now to be clear the entire time I’m having symptoms. Overstimulated, anxiety, burning and tight chest. But I was able to accept them and be there for my family. Needless to say early last week was tough. But as the week went on, things were a little better. In fact by Thursday and Friday I was not doing too bad overall. This weekend I’ve fallen into a wave.  I used to try to explain and figure out what was causing the waves but really I think is just the way it is. I’ve been really busy and things aren’t too bad and then I can sit home and the next day is terrible. There’s no pattern I can find.  Now I do think extreme activity can lead to feeling worse but I’ve after last weekend my wife felt bad too so really isnt thst much different in a sense. It’s just what we feel is so much harder.  I find the same with anxiety patterns. I always had social anxiety. Now it’s just so much harder. For the most part I’m finding that I do better during the week where I work the best I can. Usually I go to an office but i can work from home. Some days I can’t do much. Others I do ok. The days I work my mood is better and I’m much less focused on things. I believe that’s why I do better. When I’m home on the weekend in the cold and this weekend with 2 sick kids I struggle. Symptoms are harder. I don’t know what to do to distract. Today I walked with my wife after hanging with her for an hour. My anxiety was going like it usually is in the morning. Agitation was also present. Now I’m not sure what to do. I’ll probably work outside on my Christmas lights. Maybe watch football later.  If I’m up to it. The waves are very similar patterns and feelings but as whole it is less intense most of the time. I’m hopeful this one passes quickly. 
 

i have been going to the gym for about 3 weeks. Very light exercise. The busyness of the gym and loud music was challenging at first but it did seem to settle down last week.  I was fairly calm and my symptoms were very mild when I was there. Today I’m considering it but I’m really not sure. The wave makes me not want to go but at the same time I’ve felt better when I’ve been there. Tough call. 
 

I’m 29 months off all drugs.  I wasn’t of them long but I did take meds 15 years ago and I’m guessing this time around it got me. There’s days I think I’m getting there and I’m not that far from healing and then I get hit again. I know so this point it’s the waves and windows of this and this too will pass. But it’s still hard non the less. Eventually I’ll get to a ping where it’s not even a thought. I’ve been close at times. We keep pushing. 

[mstimc]

23 hours ago, Fightinghard said:

i have been going to the gym for about 3 weeks. Very light exercise. The busyness of the gym and loud music was challenging at first but it did seem to settle down last week.  I was fairly calm and my symptoms were very mild when I was there. Today I’m considering it but I’m really not sure. The wave makes me not want to go but at the same time I’ve felt better when I’ve been there. Tough call. 
 

I’m 29 months off all drugs.  I wasn’t of them long but I did take meds 15 years ago and I’m guessing this time around it got me. There’s days I think I’m getting there and I’m not that far from healing and then I get hit again. I know so this point it’s the waves and windows of this and this too will pass. But it’s still hard non the less. Eventually I’ll get to a ping where it’s not even a thought. I’ve been close at times. We keep pushing. 

Fighting, its hard to deal with normal emotions and thoughts that were suppressed by the meds.  That's a skill we need to relearn--that its okay to feel fear or anticipation, and it doesn't mean we're sliding backwards.  You're doing great--keep the positive outlook!

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc thanks!  I’m in a window today and I’ve rarely posit in a window so I decided to. Symptoms are very minimal and almost like a mild headache. They are there but I can do what I need to do. I woke up this morning reasonably calm. I’m so much better than I was 1-2 years ago. It’s not even close. Hopefully I’ll soon be past this. 

[mstimc]

You have the right time frame--look for improvement over the long term, not day-to-day.  Then you see how much progress you've made!

[Phoenixmama]

@Fightinghard 🌞❤️

[Hanna72]

@Fightinghard

On 11/21/2022 at 10:31 PM, Fightinghard said:

Symptoms are very minimal and almost like a mild headache. They are there but I can do what I need to do. I woke up this morning reasonably calm. I’m so much better than I was 1-2 years ago. It’s not even close

So happy to see how far you have come. You should be so proud of yourself. Amazing to read💪
 

[Fightinghard]

So I haven’t updated in awhile. This actually feels ‘Strange’ to do. I’m not necessarily at the finish line with this. But I am slowly but surely making progress.  In the last month I’ve been to a work conference in that required flying and I was there 5 days. It was very busy with 10-12 hour days.  I’ve taken my son to multiple volleyball tournaments including the most recent where I drove almost 7 hours each way.I was there 3 nights with 3 days of all day simulation watching volleyball and socializing. Going to dinners and other events. I’ve been focusing more and more on work and my family. My mind is less on the symptoms and more on what I’m doing. I exercise everyday with walking and many days I go to the gym.  So on paper, I’m having very normal days. And most people would have no idea anything is going on. My relationship with my family and friends is improving each week and month. 
 

I committed myself back in December to total acceptance of my situation. Using the Claire Weeks approach and specifically ‘The anxious truth’ techniques.  It unquestionably is helping me move forward in my recovery.  Writing this update I can’ feel’ the WD and adverse reaction in my body. I’m focused there.  Im ok with it as I’m accepting it.  I wanted to write an update but Im not sure I’ll be back here anytime soon.  I do still on occasion so I’ in guess a few minutes if I hit a harder time but typically it’s quick, maybe a few minutes and I quickly catch myself as I’m looking for reassurance.  I’ve learned that while the meds absolutely caused a drastic change in bodies reaction to things, the reality is I became a much worse version of who I was. Scared of everything, living with anxiety all day as a perfectionist that was always scanning for danger. Was I going to lose my job, my family?  Was I doing the laundry wrong?  My CNS was always looking for the issues, theZ’ danger’ so I was hypersensitive. The meds just poured fuel on the fire. That was a long winded reflection on myself.  So I’m becoming more confident that I can do things and that I’m ok.  I push daily regardless of how I feel. So with that, I’ll check back sometime.  I continue to pray for all of you as you work through your journey. 

[Phoenixmama]

@Fightinghard ❤️☀️

[Fightinghard]

Well it’s been awhile but I thought I’d update.  I continue to slowly improve pretty much like you read here. Ups and downs.  I’ve not had that clear window but things are much better. As whole I’m so much more functional. There’s really not much I don’t do these days. In fact I’d say my biggest hurdle right now is being home with nothing to do.  Today I drove over 2 hours to another city for work, spent the day and drove back to my sons track meet. Left there at 8pm. It was a long busy day. Most of my days are like this. Full days with activity. Now I’m not without any symptoms but the intensity is much less most of the time. I do get moments that I’m not even thinking about how I feel and I’m just in the flow of life.  I am naturally doing things most of the time. I just go for a walk or like this morning I just went to work in another city.  Very little anxiety or fear.  I may have some symptoms cycling at I’m going but they pass and I just don’t focus on them.  So as a whole, I’ve come along way and I’m seeing that is only a matter of time before this is past me.  The waves can still be hard but they have been shorter in duration most of the time.  What I’m learning is I have to push through the waves. Don’t sit home and try to avoid feeling bad.  And usually my day is better.  
 

I’m just realizing today is 3 years from my mess  started with my reaction to Zoloft and then a few drugs to follow.  There’s been so many ups and downs. No question I am much better than I was a year ago and definitely 2 years ago when I could hardly leave the house.  I couldn’t watch tv. Or read. Or even tolerate being with my family.  I’ve come so far.  I watch tv regularly, I read normally, I exercise, socialize, attend events, work, drive long hours, drink some coffee.  
 

i still have some agitation, chest tightness, anxiety, head pressure and I’m sure a few other things. But honestly, I just surrender to what I feel and go on with my day. The Claire weeks approach. I swear it helps as you go through this. My sleep is generally better. I sleep 6-8 hours most nights.  I get nights where I sleep 6-7 straight and others where I wake up after 4-5 then back to sleep after a bit for a few more.  The 3-4 am wake up is my worst time for symptoms usually. Probably the cortisol surge. 
 

So I’m healing.   My return to life is happening. I’m hoping in the next few months this drops off a little more and I’m completely past the worst of this. 
 

i wish continued healing for all of you. 

[mstimc]

Thanks so much for posting, Fighting!  You have no idea how important it is for people just starting the journey to recovery to hear from those of us who have been through it and feel healing in our lives.

[Phoenixmama]

☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️💪🏽

[KenA]

Great update @Fightinghard!! You are doing it my friend!! 

[Fightinghard]

@mstimc  I thought of you as I was posting.  I couldn’t agree more. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the support you offered me during this especially in the early days.  I know how important it was for me so I hope these pats can help others.  
 

@KenA thanks!  You were always a guiding light for me. I followed your story early on and it gave me hope and inspiration. I appreciate you offering the support and advice along the way.  I’m not quite at the end of this journey but I’m getting closer.  

[KenA]

@Fightinghard You are most welcome my friend! Looking forward to reading your success story one day!

 

 

[Fifree]

Wow fighting hard. Thank you so much for coming back and posting about your recovery. I’m in the early days still but it’s great to read these stories where things get better.  All the best to you. 

[Rosetta]

I’m so happy for you!  What a wonderful update.  🧚‍♀️Rosetta

[Comecloser80]

@Fightinghardhi, i am glad to know that you are doing well in your journey. It gives hope to fellow sufferers like me.Just want to ask ,do you wake up early 3:00-4:00am everyday or it’s just some days? I m stuck in the same pattern for last 20 weeks since I stopped. I tend to wake up abruptly around 4:00am and can’t fall back asleep.
Are you able to fall back asleep after waking up around that time? Are you able to nap these days? 
I am worried that it will be rest of my life. 

[Fightinghard]

@Purae  my sleep is pretty much I sleep for about 4-6 hours. Wake up and I’m usually awake for an hour then back to sleep an hour or so.  I’ve slept up to 7 hours straight and since nights I wake up but fall asleep quickly. Like normal people. The good thing is most nights I sleep deep and I’m not overly tired during the day. Realistically though before meds, my pattern was similar other than I wouldn’t be awake with symptoms like now. Itv will get better. Even if it didn’t, your anxiety Decreases so it becomes less of an issue. Is hard to explain. 

[Fightinghard]

It’s been awhile since I posted. I thought I should check back in and give an update.  While I’m not totally back to who I was, I’m so much better than I was a few months ago. I’m not going to put a percentage on things;  in the end I can enjoy things and do almost anything I try to. Sure symptoms will come along for the ride. But they are slowly decreasing and becoming less of an issue.  Since I posted last I went on a 12 day trip. I flew out west then drove throughout a few states. Different hotels and homes and a lot of driving and activity with my family. The list goes on. Point being is I’m pretty much living life again and from the outside it’s pretty normal. I’m not ready to say I’m past WD but I am ready to say it’s only a matter of time before it’s not a factor in my life. 
 

Back in December the whole Claire Weeks thing really resonated with me. I learned it wasn’t truly about Acceptance as much as surrendering. Since that time I’ve given my all to surrendering to my symptoms.  I decided that I was going to live my life following my values versus how I felt. Sure at times that was a lot easier said than done. But I held true to my beliefs and continued on the path.  And along the way the symptoms have continued to reduce and become less scary and less impactful. At this point, I’m working out 4-5 days a week.  Walking everyday at least 45 minutes. I work which some days entails driving 5 hours or more. I attend all of my kids events. I sleep ok. I still wake most nights after 4-5 hours but more so than not I fall back asleep for another 2.  And it’s better quality sleep. I read books, watch movies, go to dinner, go to the mall , horseback riding, and so on.  I’m not going to rehash symptoms but I’ve had my share. I never counted. Many have left me and I believe the others will leave as well.   Now I challenge my sensations and feelings. I go at them versus running from them. They always pass. 
 

what has helped me?  Exercise for sure.  Claire weeks and the anxious truth.  Diet but I’m not sure how much.  Support from the good people here. I found vitamin C helpful.  I drink San Pellegrino water for the lithium and magnesium is trace amounts.  I think it helps me.  I worked extremely hard on my thoughts and exposures to sensations. So many people mention time is the factor. And I agree. But I think if you don’t address the things that caused you to take the meds your healing will be incomplete. Yes you’ll be back to ‘normal’ but didn’t normal result in meds?  Just my opinion.  I’m not sure if and when I’ll return to post here.  But what I can say is I’m coming out of this slowly and because of the work I’ma better person than I was. And for that I’m very thankful and grateful.  I’m sure there are more waves to come. But I know they will pass. 
 

So to those that have helped and supported me along the way like @mstimc @KenA @Phoenixmama @Rosetta @Alice1 thank you.  And I hope your journeys continue with healing and happiness.  If I missed anyone, I’m sorry.  One last sign of healing;  I hardly need to use my phone for distraction. I just don’t.  I’m engaged with love so much more now. So keep going. It does get better.  

[KenA]

Amazing update my friend!! Glad to hear that you are continuing to move onwards and upwards!! I always knew you had it in you!! Keep on going and going till you cross that finish line and write your success story!! Cant wait to read it!!

 

Ken

[Phoenixmama]

💪🏽❤️🌞🙏🏻 

[mstimc]

This is a wonderful post that shows recovery is possible--thank you for posting, Fighting!  WD and recovery does change us, but that change can be for the better.  You have so much to be proud of!

[2cats2272]

@Fightinghard I just read through your thread last night. I’m in a pretty crappy wave after a really good window. This one feels tough. You are an inspiration and your story helped me for sure! Keep going 🎉

[Rosetta]

I’m glad you are healing!  That’s wonderful! 🧚🏻‍♀️

[TabbyCat82]

@Fightinghard I just wanted to post a note of thanks for your posts about The Anxious Truth. After reading about your recovery I went searching for The Anxious Truth and read the book the next day and started in on the podcasts. Life changing for me. If it weren’t for you mentioning it I’d still be in a world of confusion and sorrow waiting for “withdrawal” to end. Now I understand my role in recovery and it takes real (hard) work, but I know it’ll be worth it in the end. I’m three weeks into exposures and surrendering to symptoms and I see a difference in progress. I’m forever grateful to you. 

[Fightinghard]

I’m glad it’s been helpful.  Isn’t Drew great?   He’s been through WD himself so he can relate.  I’d never tell someone that what we go through is not because of the meds.  But what I will say Is how were respond to it can influence our outcomes path. During the acute phases it’s not feasible for some people going through this to do the work.  I had my time in that phase. . But there will come a time when you can do the work.  My goal is not to just heal from this but to recover from my anxiety that lead me here. Good for you. I wish you continued healing and recovery. 

[Fightinghard]

@Rosetta thanks!   I’ve been talking a break from here, generally doing better. I hit a wave the past few days but it’s amazing how I can still be so much more functional than I was. I’m more engaged in life.  I still struggle with stimulation issues and agitation but on such a lesser level than it was. It’s like I keep cycling through the same symptoms and they just get less and less.  Some drop off, others return.   One really nice improvement is my ability to handle stress and confrontation.  I don’t get worked up like I use to. My emotions have started to stabilize.  Honestly I’m finding the worst thing I can do is hold back.  Sure I have moments and days I rest or try to. But as a whole, I do everything. 
 

How are you doing?  

[Phoenixmama]

Hi @Fightinghard I'm going through those stimulation , agitaion , unable to handle stress , and confrontation symptoms this whole time i thought it was maybe in menopause because i am 44 years old , but now im thinking maybe it could be that in still healing... ive had so many symptoms this year that i went to the Dr's for and then end up passing lol , anyways thanks for the updates they always get me through my own healing 💜

[Fightinghard]

@Phoenixmama yea this healing is so crazy. Symptoms pop up that you don’t realize could be related then they just fade away. For the most part I treat almost everything as WD outside of obvious things like a cold, etc. I’m glad my updates are helpful. I’m hoping I write success story soon!  You’ve Always been so supportive. Hopefully we’re both away from here and back to normal life soon!  I will say the more I love life the more normal it becomes. 

[Fightinghard]

This is a simple update. Things get better.  And better.  Slowly you feel better, function normally.  I have no doubt now that a critical part of this recovery is doing things.  Surrendering to the fears and sensations and living life.  I’ll write a success story here soon.  I can tell. Until then, keep going, keep believing and know that you will be ok. 

[mstimc]

Thank you for the update, Fighting!  It is so important for members still on the journey to hear from people who are having success managing their recovery and their thought behaviors.  You are a beacon of hope for others.  Wishing you continued success on your path, as well!

[KenA]

Looking forward to reading your success story @Fightinghard!!

[Phoenixmama]

☀️

[Fightinghard]

It’s been a few months so I thought I’d update. Slow, steady progress continues. From the outside, I’m healed. I do everything. Last week I flew to my companies national education conference. My flight was really early Monday morning. I flew in, had a very busy day that culminated with dinner until 10 PM… and each day was  similar. I hosted 2 classes where for 8 hours I was moderating and speaking. I attended a gala, 2 concerts and then flew back on Friday. Only to leave this morning at 4:45 to drive 3 hours to my friends funeral where I was a pall bearer. Then I attended the lunch and drive home. Sounds pretty normal, I’d argue a lot for anyone. Sure I’m fluctuating with sensations, discomfort and symptoms but I don’t back down or avoid. I do what I have I do based on values and not how I feel.  I’m not ready to say I’m healed but man I’ve come a a really long way. I still don’t sleep great but it’s  much better than it was. Too much stimulation can get uncomfortable.  I get moments of restless, agitation, anxiety and I’m sure other symptoms.  But most days I can function pretty close to normal. I just continue to surrender and move on. Considering 2 years ago I could barely leave my office, agitated and pacing. All kinds of sensitivity. No tv, reading or going out. Now I do all of it. And it’s getting more and more normal. 
 

I do find that if I engage my condition as if it’s ’ an injury’ I’m worse.  When I read posts about the brain being reorganized or whatever from the drugs I feel worse. It proves to me that their is definitely a conscious aspect of this condition which I don’t believe it is truly an injury as much as the cns’s reaction to a foreign environment created by the meds or removal of them. Anyway, time and I believe surrendering to the situation is what allows for healing of the condition and the anxiety or depression that led to the meds. Doing things is huge. 
 

Keep going. It gets better. 

[mstimc]

2 minutes ago, Fightinghard said:

I do find that if I engage my condition as if it’s ’ an injury’ I’m worse.  When I read posts about the brain being reorganized or whatever from the drugs I feel worse. It proves to me that their is definitely a conscious aspect of this condition which I don’t believe it is truly an injury as much as the cns’s reaction to a foreign environment created by the meds or removal of them. Anyway, time and I believe surrendering to the situation is what allows for healing of the condition and the anxiety or depression that led to the meds. Doing things is huge. 
 

Keep going. It gets better. 

Great observation, Fighting!  Its a matter of teaching our brains new, healthy habits and letting go of trying to find a "cause" or "blame". You're an inspiration to so many others!

[Phoenixmama]

🌞💪