Jadenatalie: Hello! 7 weeks into withdrawal and I'm in hell.

[Jadenatalie]

17 MONTH UPDATE: I don’t know if anyone is still reading this thread now but I’ll keep posting until I feel fully healed for future ssri withdrawal fighters! 
 

so, as I mentioned previously I’ve made tons of progress compared to the start, but, I’m still struggling with my mood mainly, I went on the ssri originally for anxiety, I’m working on my anxiety with a therapist and making good progress, but what I’m actually struggling with is low mood/hopelessness/down/depressed feelings… I’m wondering if anyone has had the same this far on into the process? I feel very fragile mood wise still, I still cry very easily (even stupid stuff sometimes that’s not remotely sad), I feel low and down very easily and it doesn’t take me much to start feeling down in the dumps. Anyone else? Im going to re-read some success stories to see if anyone else was the same with this. 
 

physical symptoms, I still have the body tingling/prickling but that’s very sporadic, it comes and goes and I’ve had it checked out so I’m not hugely worried about that. My sleep, is still very hit and miss, I’ve always been someone who slept like a log, all night, fell asleep easily etc. but now some nights I struggle to get to sleep, stay asleep etc. it’s abit of a nightmare really sometimes, but then sometimes I’ll sleep fine for a few days/week and then I’ll fall back into rubbish sleep again. This is the one symptom I know 100% is withdrawal because my sleep has never ever been an issue in my life, until the day I stopped the meds… so I feel like once my sleep is fully back to normal, that will mean I’m at the end or nearing the end I guess?! 
 

anyone else with the low fragile mood this far on into the withdrawal process?   
 

X

[Memphisto]

Thank you for your update. I still read your thread regulary. I am so sorry that you are still suffering from mood swings. I still feel the same way. I've slowed down my taper now and am stopping right now on the escitalopram and concentrating on the mirtazapine. I went almost cold turkey on escitalopram 2 years ago from 10 mg to about  1.5 mg in 3 or 4 weeks. I still have bouts of mood swings and morning cortisol spikes with doom and gloom to this day. At the moment I would say the really bad days are becoming rarer and the good days are pilling up. But the difficult hours are still almost unbearable and then I can't eat and I'm taciturn.

 

I think overall you sound more positive today than you did a few months ago. You can be very proud of yourself for sticking it out this long. Most importantly, you are free of AD. I will spend years for tapering and hope to slowly get better during the process. It's really hard to be slow and patient.

 

Hold on! Better days will come!

[Jadenatalie]

On 8/10/2022 at 9:36 AM, Memphisto said:

Thank you for your update. I still read your thread regulary. I am so sorry that you are still suffering from mood swings. I still feel the same way. I've slowed down my taper now and am stopping right now on the escitalopram and concentrating on the mirtazapine. I went almost cold turkey on escitalopram 2 years ago from 10 mg to about  1.5 mg in 3 or 4 weeks. I still have bouts of mood swings and morning cortisol spikes with doom and gloom to this day. At the moment I would say the really bad days are becoming rarer and the good days are pilling up. But the difficult hours are still almost unbearable and then I can't eat and I'm taciturn.

 

I think overall you sound more positive today than you did a few months ago. You can be very proud of yourself for sticking it out this long. Most importantly, you are free of AD. I will spend years for tapering and hope to slowly get better during the process. It's really hard to be slow and patient.

 

Hold on! Better days will come!

Hey @Memphisto thanks for your comment. I know I’ve made progress overall because I don’t obsess over withdrawal anymore, I’m hardly ever on this website anymore, compared to a year ago when I lived on this website everyday! 
 

exactly, I’m free of ADs! And that’s such a huge relief, I never ever want to take them again in my life. I feel so free! 
 

I keep telling myself that things are going to be get better and better and this too shall pass when I feel particularly bad. 
 

x

[GreatGigInTheSky]

On 4/29/2021 at 10:19 AM, Jadenatalie said:

Hello everyone. New to this website. Looking for similar stories, words of advice, encouragement etc! I've been on SSRI's for 5 years, i came off them fully 7 weeks ago due to them not agreeing with me anymore and i want to manage my anxiety on my own. My doctor suggested a cold turkey quit as he doesnt believe in antidepressant withdrawal, i argued a 4 week withdrawal plan. thats the most he'd allow. Anyway, ive come off and for 7 weeks ive had probably every single withdrawal symptom possible, ive only had 2 short windows since stopping. I'm currently in a bad wave with tearfulness, anxiety, nausea, diahroea, dizzyness, skin itching and tinging, tremors, the list goes on! I'm taking the following supplements, probiotics, omega 3, vitamin d, magnesium glycinate, calcium and a multivitamin. I've taken the majority of these for longer than my withdrawal, i didnt start them due to withdrawal symptoms. I guess im just here to say hello and check out everyone elses stories on this horrible journey. btw, i'm not considering re-instating any meds because they always give me start up side effects anyway and ive done a hard 7 weeks and dont want to un-do the progress i've made! Much love, Jade x

Whoa, I am surprised he suggested a cold turkey quit. Just my cautionary tale…I tried cold turkey with lexapro and thought if i could just get through the brain zap and dizziness I would be okay…(I know exactly what you mean when you say not wanting to un-do the progress you made) well then start the week of complete insomnia out of the blue around month three I started in with the hard core suicidal ideation and thoughts. I don’t want to frighten you but just something I experienced with CT. Please let me know how you progress and you got this! 

[Jadenatalie]

Update: this is just a mid month update I guess but also looking for advice?! My sleep, has been terrible for the last 10 days now, to the point where I’m struggling to function through the day but I have a full time job and a child to look after. I do go through bouts of bad sleep and then it always seems to get better, but this one is particularly bad and is dragging on now, last night I was awake all night, other nights I’ve only managed 2-3 hours of LIGHT sleep, so I’m struggling now. 
 

any advice, tips would be hugely welcomed! I think half the battle is now I’m getting stressed at not sleeping argh! I had blood tests done in the last 6-8 months all normal. I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve got some kind of underlying deadly disease! My stress levels are also not massive either at the moment. 
 

thanks guys x

[Ariel]

@Jadenatalie

Thank you for your many informative and encouraging posts and all you share. Nice to "meet" you. 

 

I'm sorry to read you're struggling with insomnia. It sounds like you might be in a wave. Does that ring true for you?

It's so challenging dealing with WD sleep symptoms and how this affects our days and the rest of our lives. 

 

I have not read through your whole thread, so this might be moot, but have you tried supplementing magnesium?

I use this one. It's a powder that dissolves in water. I drink a portion in the evening before bedtime and find it relaxing.

 

Have you tried melatonin? I take 1mg in the evening and it helps me fall asleep. I still wake up earlier than I'd like but it's nice to not lie awake for hours struggling to fall asleep. Takes the edge off that secondary anxiety around the uncertainty of one's night.  

I think you are in the UK and I have heard that melatonin is only available in the UK by prescription. Is that something you might have access to?

 

My sleep is not good, so I cannot offer much advice or tips. Just sharing a few things I believe help me a little (sometimes, maybe). 

I also find that getting adequate gentle physical exercise during the day tends to be supportive of sleep, though it's not a sure thing.

 

You work full-time and take care of your child, which is a lot of effort. Give yourself lots of credit. 

I don't know what bearing the above have on time spent outdoors or general activity level, but it seems to me balance is key. 

Experimenting with those proportions of gentle, helpful activity that doesn't cause undue stress or cortisol spikes, balanced with rest. 

 

I'm sorry I cannot take this symptom away for you, I sure do wish I had a magic wand!

Please know that I feel for you, insomnia is so tricky. 

 

You sound very aware and I think you're right about being careful in regards to stress and watching out for those secondary reactions, e.g. stress about stress, and anxiety about insomnia. Anything we can do to accept the situation we're in and relax into it (somehow, anyhow!?) as opposed to struggling against it will help us. 

 

And --

 

On 8/12/2022 at 11:44 AM, Jadenatalie said:

I keep telling myself that things are going to be get better and better and this too shall pass when I feel particularly bad. 

 

-- yes! 

 

This is temporary. It will pass. It gets better. 

Hang in there, Jadenatalie. You're doing a great job!

 

In solidarity and support,

A.

 

P.S.

Including link to SA help topic, in case you feel like reading/reviewing:

 

 

[Ariel]

Hello again @Jadenatalie

 

Here's something about sleep from another member's thread, sharing just in case any of it might be useful:

 

On 4/21/2022 at 12:37 PM, Ariel said:

On more of a nitty-gritty practical note, I'd like to share a few surprising things I've discovered that sometimes help me drift off. With all due respect for your self-knowledge and trusting that you have tried everything in the book, and you're probably already familiar with the following... indulge me? It feels so good to share. 

 

There have been times when I simply could. not. fall. asleep. no matter what I tried. At some point I discovered, by accident really, that it was possible for me to drift off in a seated or semi-seated position. Propped up comfortably in bed, I'd start to get very sleepy and doze off... If I went to lie down, hoping for "proper" sleep, my body would wake up again. (I can only speculate as to why this is, will save any zany theorizing for another time. No wait I can't help myself! Suffice it to say: hardwired biological safety mechanisms.) What I learned from this is:

 

a) if I'm comfortable and relaxed and sleepy and dozing off in a seated/lounging position, I just go with it (don't rock the boat!);

 

b) I tried to stop thinking about "proper" sleep or anything that I previously knew/recognized/longed for as Sleep, and instead I tried thinking about rest. It was a sort of acceptance process and letting go, I guess, now that I think about it. I shifted my focus to resting and exploring how I might facilitate and embrace rest, even and especially if that rest looked different that I imagined/wished it would. This helped me release attachment and associated tension around ideas of sleep. (Disclaimer: my sleep is still far from "ideal", but I feel a lot less stressed about it, in fact most of the time it's okay that it is how it is; but I'm also cognizant of the fact that currently the insomnia situation as you describe is extreme, and I'm not comparing.);

 

c) even though looking at screens was not consciously interfering with my sleep, i.e. i didn't feel more awake or less sleepy, I found doing something else helpful. I tried turning off screens and blocking off light and listening to audiobooks or podcasts. Not listening intently like I was concentrating, but sorta letting the voice(s) drone on, white-noise style. Sometimes this helped me drift off. If I turned off the sound I'd wake right back up. This made me think of those moments from childhood, when you're a kid in a safe space and there are other people/creatures in the household (wherever you live) milling about after you've gone to bed, and it's so cozy to sense all that familiar life in the background (just enough to be audible but not enough to disturb). A kind of white noise, I suppose. 

 

d) food matters. Still today if I eat something that is not "greenlit", it affects my sleep. Maybe something to play around with? Even if you're one of the lucky ones whose digestion is not negatively impacted by withdrawal, we are all affected by what we eat. My gut activity is very obviously influential to how I sleep, both quality and quantity; and I believe that this is true of everyone, incl. those who do not consciously register indigestion or "gut issues". Even if there is no detectable active problem, that still does not preclude the possibility of improvement via dietary changes and functional nutrition.

 

e) I had a few good experiences alternating sauna and cold plunge (this was prior to the pandemic, before the saunas closed). Afterwards I'd sleep like a rock for a few hours straight. Don't know if sauna visits are accessible to you, but a very cold shower/bath is always an option. 

 

f) (I've gotten a bit off track but will include this anyway) At one stage I managed to get a few biodynamic craniosacral therapy treatments. I'm convinced they actually genuinely helped. The practitioner uses super gentle techniques of touch to suggest relaxation and facilitate balancing, somehow communicating with the nervous system on a deep, subconscious level. (Or something -- I have no idea!) It worked for me at the time and was of great support through a very rough patch. This is a very specific modality and I'm not sure how prevalent it is in other parts of the world, it may not be available or accessible in your area; there are of course potential budgetary concerns as well. I don't know whether maybe there are youtube videos for at-home DIY techniques one might try -- I can google around for you if you like.  

 

I may have veered off the sharing path and crashed into a thorny advice thicket, in which case I'm sorry. Scratches on me! If this is annoying, feel free to ignore, as always.

 

[Jadenatalie]

On 8/12/2022 at 11:22 AM, GreatGigInTheSky said:

Whoa, I am surprised he suggested a cold turkey quit. Just my cautionary tale…I tried cold turkey with lexapro and thought if i could just get through the brain zap and dizziness I would be okay…(I know exactly what you mean when you say not wanting to un-do the progress you made) well then start the week of complete insomnia out of the blue around month three I started in with the hard core suicidal ideation and thoughts. I don’t want to frighten you but just something I experienced with CT. Please let me know how you progress and you got this! 

Hey, I’m actually 17 months off now cold turkey 😊 but thank you for your comment.  @GreatGigInTheSky

[Jadenatalie]

On 8/18/2022 at 1:18 PM, Ariel said:

@Jadenatalie

Thank you for your many informative and encouraging posts and all you share. Nice to "meet" you. 

 

I'm sorry to read you're struggling with insomnia. It sounds like you might be in a wave. Does that ring true for you?

It's so challenging dealing with WD sleep symptoms and how this affects our days and the rest of our lives. 

 

I have not read through your whole thread, so this might be moot, but have you tried supplementing magnesium?

I use this one. It's a powder that dissolves in water. I drink a portion in the evening before bedtime and find it relaxing.

 

Have you tried melatonin? I take 1mg in the evening and it helps me fall asleep. I still wake up earlier than I'd like but it's nice to not lie awake for hours struggling to fall asleep. Takes the edge off that secondary anxiety around the uncertainty of one's night.  

I think you are in the UK and I have heard that melatonin is only available in the UK by prescription. Is that something you might have access to?

 

My sleep is not good, so I cannot offer much advice or tips. Just sharing a few things I believe help me a little (sometimes, maybe). 

I also find that getting adequate gentle physical exercise during the day tends to be supportive of sleep, though it's not a sure thing.

 

You work full-time and take care of your child, which is a lot of effort. Give yourself lots of credit. 

I don't know what bearing the above have on time spent outdoors or general activity level, but it seems to me balance is key. 

Experimenting with those proportions of gentle, helpful activity that doesn't cause undue stress or cortisol spikes, balanced with rest. 

 

I'm sorry I cannot take this symptom away for you, I sure do wish I had a magic wand!

Please know that I feel for you, insomnia is so tricky. 

 

You sound very aware and I think you're right about being careful in regards to stress and watching out for those secondary reactions, e.g. stress about stress, and anxiety about insomnia. Anything we can do to accept the situation we're in and relax into it (somehow, anyhow!?) as opposed to struggling against it will help us. 

 

And --

 

 

-- yes! 

 

This is temporary. It will pass. It gets better. 

Hang in there, Jadenatalie. You're doing a great job!

 

In solidarity and support,

A.

 

P.S.

Including link to SA help topic, in case you feel like reading/reviewing:

 

 

Hey @Ariel thanks for your response, sorry for the delay! My sleep seems to have settled down now for the meantime. I do take magnesium daily approx 300mgs. Yes melatonin is only available on prescription, we can buy it online from America but it generally only comes in 3mg tablets. I managed to find a French company that do melatonin gummies that contain 1mg per gummy so I’m going to try those next time I’m struggling sleeping! 
 

I do meditate every morning and go swimming when I can, I also do yoga 2-3 times per week. So I’m not as active as I’d like but my work hours are long, so I’m limited in that sense. 
 

thank you so much for your kind response and your encouraging words. 
 

x

[Jadenatalie]

18 MONTH UPDATE: (a few days late!): so, I think I’m mostly through my withdrawal journey now. I do still have some things lingering, but I’m seeing more improvements as the months go by and how much I can tolerate etc. 

 

I have been having some ongoing symptoms for a while and it turns out that my hormones are out of whack and I’m potentially in the early menopause (I’m only 30). So that explains alot of my ongoing symptoms and issues, so I’m due to see a specialist about this and hopefully get sorted and feel more levelled out mentally and physically. 
 

me and my partner went away at the weekend to celebrate my 18 months and have a general break away and it was lovely, we went on a 7 mile walk in the countryside it was lovely and we reflected quite a lot on the amount of improvements I’ve made in 18 months because at the start and even quite far into the process I couldn’t bare normal daily activities or even leave the house or bed some days. I was out on a 7 mile hike, in the middle of nowhere, feeling pretty good in myself and very proud. I have to thank my partner he’s been my rock throughout this process and I couldn’t do it without him at all. We’re actually booking our wedding now too I can’t believe it! 
 

I would like to see how things go with the specialists regarding my lack of estrogen and then come back and do an update once I’ve been diagnosed etc and potentially started treatment and just see how I feel and whether I feel ready to write a success story at some point!

 

thanks for reading 🥰💖

[Jadenatalie]

21 MONTH UPDATE:

 

so I’ve missed a few months as life has just been busy! Thought I’d do this update a few days early whilst I remember! I’m due to have my first ever surgery in 2 days and I’m terrified as I’ve never had general anaesthetic before etc! So I’m very nervous but the surgery is only keyhole surgery and it is important for me to find out whether I have endometriosis or whether something else is going on. I had a scan a few weeks ago due to my low hormones and the scanning lady said that all my reproductive organs are fixed into place and immobile which isn’t normal apparently, so she thinks I’m full of scar tissue.

 

with regards to withdrawal, I wouldn’t say I’m fully recovered yet. I think I’m still having waves and windows, I just think my windows are much longer now and my waves and shorter but they’re still quite intense. Where I feel low, anxious and very tearful. But it’s also hard to know whether my hormones are contributing to this. I’m so glad that I stopped taking the meds to be honest, I did question it quite alot throughout this process but I’m so glad I stopped them and I don’t have to rely on tablets. 
 

hopefully I’ll be back again soon writing another update, but to be honest I really don’t have much to report at the moment. I think it might be another year maybe yet till i can confidently write my success story and actually believe I’m fully recovered. I can’t believe I’m nearly 2 years out of taking meds, crazy! 
 

for any newbies reading my thread, trust me, it’s been HELL, nothing short of it. But worth it? Definitely. I did it COLD TURKEY after being on meds 5 years, do not recommend, but I I’m glad I didn’t reinstate and then lower the meds because by the time I realised how bad I felt cold turkey, it was about 7-8 weeks later and to be honest to me, that was too late to reinstate. but, it gets better, I’m almost fully healed and actually feeling quite normal again, so keep going!! You will get there too! 

[Erimus]

Thanks for coming back Jade. A lot of people disappear which I completely understand given how traumatic it can be. Maybe just come back every 3-6 months, we need more positive stories here.

 

Hope the op goes okay and have a nice Christmas. 

Edited December 4, 2022 by Erimus

[Jadenatalie]

Looking for advice! - so I’m 21 months off meds cold turkey. I am much better than I was in the first year of recovery, BUT I’m not still not 100%. I still have very low mood days, anxiety and insomnia. These seem to still come in waves and windows as sometimes I will sleep excellent for 3-4 weeks and then I’ll sleep terribly for a week or so. Same with the sadness, I will feel quite okay and chipper for a period of time but then all of a sudden I will feel sad again. (These are not things I had before starting the meds) 

 

is this still withdrawal? After 21 months of meds cold turkey? 
 

I have had lots of blood tests done which have come back normal in the most, the only ones that are slightly lower are my estrogen. But they are not apparently low enough to worry too much about. 
 

thank you! x 

[Erimus]

Chances are you’re still in windows and waves, just that they are extremely shallow compared to early withdrawal. At 21 months you still have plenty scope for improvement. I’m sure you’ve read the cold turkey success stories whereby people have healed after 24-30 months.

 

All you can do is keep grinding on each day. It sounds like you’re quite functional which allows you to keep busy and ignore the nervous system damage still present.

Edited January 5, 2023 by Erimus

[siderale]

Hi Jadenatalie! I've been thinking of you recently. From what I've seen on this forum, waves and windows (specifically waves, as your windows slowly but surely become your "new normal") can last in time, but like Erimus said they become more and more shallow.

It is reassuring that your blood tests came back normal.

I'm sure you will keep improving. Seeing how far you've gone as compared from the start is incredibly encouraging. Keep fighting! I'm rooting for you ♥

[Jadenatalie]

So, I now know why I’m withdrawal process seemed to be dragging on… I don’t actually think I’m in withdrawal anymore or whether I am. I’ve been suffering severely for months still with symptoms and it turns out I’m in perimenopause, which did come as quite the shock as I’m only 31. So I’m soon due to start treatment for it and hopefully I will be feeling better. I will update when I have more news. 

[Phoenixmama]

@Jadenatalie hiii is there a test you took to find ? If so I would like to order one from my doc , please let me know 

[Jadenatalie]

3 hours ago, Phoenixmama said:

@Jadenatalie hiii is there a test you took to find ? If so I would like to order one from my doc , please let me know 

Hey @Phoenixmama unfortunately it’s taken me about a year to get to this diagnosis so it isn’t easy! I had lots and lots of hormone blood tests done, it took me 3 or 4 different consultants before I found one that was actually knowledgeable in hormone issues of people my age group! X

[Fifree]

Hi @Jadenatalie   I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am that you’ve continued posting as you’ve recovered. It’s so good to have hope here! As I’m sure you know there are a lot of tragic cases here which can make it feel a bit hopeless. I completely understand that people want to move on with their lives but it’s nice to have a little ray of light too 🌟💫🌈

 

sorry about all your suffering, but you’ve been so strong and really held the course. What’s more, you’ve lived to tell the tale and that’s great. 

 

Bummer about the early menopause. Menopause and AD withdrawal do share common features for sure. I hope everything goes smoothly for you now and wish you all the best for the wedding. You’re fiancé definitely sounds like a “keeper”. 
😊🌈

 

[Phoenixmama]

@Jadenatalie Hiiii , how is the therapy going ? did it help ? 

[GGGG]

On 12/4/2022 at 10:27 AM, Jadenatalie said:

21 MONTH UPDATE:

 

so I’ve missed a few months as life has just been busy! Thought I’d do this update a few days early whilst I remember! I’m due to have my first ever surgery in 2 days and I’m terrified as I’ve never had general anaesthetic before etc! So I’m very nervous but the surgery is only keyhole surgery and it is important for me to find out whether I have endometriosis or whether something else is going on. I had a scan a few weeks ago due to my low hormones and the scanning lady said that all my reproductive organs are fixed into place and immobile which isn’t normal apparently, so she thinks I’m full of scar tissue.

 

with regards to withdrawal, I wouldn’t say I’m fully recovered yet. I think I’m still having waves and windows, I just think my windows are much longer now and my waves and shorter but they’re still quite intense. Where I feel low, anxious and very tearful. But it’s also hard to know whether my hormones are contributing to this. I’m so glad that I stopped taking the meds to be honest, I did question it quite alot throughout this process but I’m so glad I stopped them and I don’t have to rely on tablets. 
 

hopefully I’ll be back again soon writing another update, but to be honest I really don’t have much to report at the moment. I think it might be another year maybe yet till i can confidently write my success story and actually believe I’m fully recovered. I can’t believe I’m nearly 2 years out of taking meds, crazy! 
 

for any newbies reading my thread, trust me, it’s been HELL, nothing short of it. But worth it? Definitely. I did it COLD TURKEY after being on meds 5 years, do not recommend, but I I’m glad I didn’t reinstate and then lower the meds because by the time I realised how bad I felt cold turkey, it was about 7-8 weeks later and to be honest to me, that was too late to reinstate. but, it gets better, I’m almost fully healed and actually feeling quite normal again, so keep going!! You will get there too! 

In July it'll be 3 years for me that I'm off those horrible pills. I tok them 20 years and I stopped them in 5 days