Roserdl: withdrawing from Zoloft - need advice about reinstating to taper or stay off

[Soup]

@Roserdl I feel exactly like you right now . That trapped feeling is so awful . Sitting waiting with no signs of real healing is so defeating . But I will say I came off k and lex in 2017 and got very very very sick and I did get better by doing nothing ( it took a long time ) I am praying that it will be like that after this unbelievable antibiotic setback . Big hugs to us both for better days 

[Roserdl]

50 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

@Roserdl Oh I feel so terrible for you.  I know you are in hell.  If you are considering tapering I would like to encourage you to reach out to one of the mods that was helping you.  Only you know what's best for you but their suggestions may influence your decision. They have seen so many people like us that they can offer some very wise counsel.

 

They will tell me to hold and that might work

  I've read stories of people holding for over a year before they significantly stabilize.  But I was only a month at this dose and JUST feeling a bit better.  So I think I need to stabilize for awhile.  

 

Did you ever feel this bad @RachelSusan

[Roserdl]

28 minutes ago, Soup said:

@Roserdl I feel exactly like you right now . That trapped feeling is so awful . Sitting waiting with no signs of real healing is so defeating . But I will say I came off k and lex in 2017 and got very very very sick and I did get better by doing nothing ( it took a long time ) I am praying that it will be like that after this unbelievable antibiotic setback . Big hugs to us both for better days 

I bet you do Soup.  After putting in all that time and healing, this must feel like quite a blow.  I'm sure you will heal again.  Pm anytime for support.  I'm pretty much bed ridden and scrolling.

 

Hugs right back

 

I do have my lens therapy this week, let's hope it helps

[Soup]

@Roserdl I do get out of bed and sit on my deck everyday . Sometimes I go for a walk . Basically just get through days. It’s so hard and not knowing is so difficult if I truly am doing the right thing . Not much has really changed for me as far as symptoms so a bit discouraging for sure . But my husband reminds me that the wretching , nausea and burning all stopped and that this past week I have been getting some decent sleep . So if that can happens the other stuff can go to . I also am

blessed with two adult children who are very supportive and believe what is happening . Sending you big support . Others have done this so we can to 

[Roserdl]

@soup

 

Yes, remember that you are healing.  I do that too.   I'm still not as bad as I was in February except for depression but I need to stabilize for a few months and if if not just proceed with steady taper if I'm going to be in hell anyway.  

 

I walk in a wooded loop everyday and sit by the pool.  Trying not to give up.   Hang in there.

 

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl Hi Roserdl, I didn't have the depression like you do, but I had physical problems that left me laying on the bathroom floor for hours at a time and this went on for weeks. I was in agony.  The agitation coupled with arm and leg tremors actually hurt.  The nausea went on and on and on.  It was suggested that I hold and finally when I did hold I improved. However the hardest thing for me to do was to do nothing.  When we feel this bad we want it to stop but sometimes what it takes is time.  Do you have someone that cares for you and can just be nearby even if they don't say or do anything special? For me it was my husband and sister.

 

 

[Roserdl]

@RachelSusan

I had the nausea early on, it was awful and the tremors have been gone for a couple months. I'm sorry you went through that... I'm not alone but this is wearing on my partner who is slipping into his own depression.  I am just very frightened of holding and never stabilizing and prolonging it.  It's at the point where people are moving on.   They have lives and don't know what to say anymore and don't get it it.   Kind of like.... Good luck... Check back in when you are through with this....nothing consoles me anyway.  Ever since I faced this could be a long path I have lost my ability to muscle through.   If the depression would abate I could handle it a bit better.  The apathy and emotional disconnect make it very hard to distract. 

[Roserdl]

Feeling a bit better.  Spent time with daughter and her boyfriend even got me to chuckle a bit.

 

Trying to reframe dialogue and get past this Abandon All Hope Yee.who Enter Here routine.  Trying to remember Chinese Horse Farmer story.  I have to remind myself I have made big improvements with my reinstatement and I haven't given myself enough time on a stable dose to see how much more I will improve.  Even now I forget I couldn't move from a chair in May due to dread and anxiety and now I take walks most days.  Sick of myself

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl I have a lot of compassion for you. You are going through a hard time.  For me the symptoms would lessen and then come back. It was always a huge sadness for me when they would return.  I know you have been through a lot and recovery has been a lot slower than you ever anticipated.  I am glad you had a few good moments yesterday. Please remember to be kind and have compassion for yourself when your various symptoms rear their ugly heads.

 

By the way, I was frightened to death of getting stuck and never recovering. It seems to be a universal theme here at the Surviving Antidepressants site, but I was sure that I was the one that wouldn't get better because my recovery seemed, at least to me, to be slower than that of the other people I was communicating with at the time. It was hard for me to feel this way.

 

Glad you are taking walks. I hope you can keep it up, but if you miss a day or two remember not to be too harsh on yourself.  Treat yourself kindly.

[Ariel]

10 hours ago, Roserdl said:

Feeling a bit better.  Spent time with daughter and her boyfriend even got me to chuckle a bit.

 

Trying to reframe dialogue and get past this Abandon All Hope Yee.who Enter Here routine.  Trying to remember Chinese Horse Farmer story.  I have to remind myself I have made big improvements with my reinstatement and I haven't given myself enough time on a stable dose to see how much more I will improve.  Even now I forget I couldn't move from a chair in May due to dread and anxiety and now I take walks most days. 

@Roserdl

This is good that you're noticing and registering improvements. It's so helpful to keep track of them when they happen. In moments when we're feeling worse we can think back and remind ourselves we have experienced signs of healing, and that this healing is ongoing. 

I'm glad you're seeing some light. 

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

You mentioned trying to remember the story of the Chinese Farmer. Maybe you've found it in the meantime. I was curious so I looked it up.  

It's a good one -- thanks for bringing it to my attention. 

 

Here's a video of Alan Watts telling the story. 

 

From the video, quote by Alan Watts: 

 

The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity; and it is really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad; because you never know what will be the consequences of the misfortune; or you never know what will be the consequences of good fortune.

[Kaervin]

12 hours ago, Roserdl said:

Feeling a bit better.  Spent time with daughter and her boyfriend even got me to chuckle a bit.

 

Trying to reframe dialogue and get past this Abandon All Hope Yee.who Enter Here routine.  Trying to remember Chinese Horse Farmer story.  I have to remind myself I have made big improvements with my reinstatement and I haven't given myself enough time on a stable dose to see how much more I will improve.  Even now I forget I couldn't move from a chair in May due to dread and anxiety and now I take walks most days.  Sick of myself

I am glad you are getting better, even more so that you are acknowledging the improvements no matter how small they may seem.

 

Trying to stabilise and going through withdrawal is often an isolated, lonely feeling. We have support of people online of course, but the indifference or ignorance of friends and family around us can be very distressing. I made peace with the fact that it was more stressful trying to explain and convince others of the reality we are dealing with. Don't leave people in the dark, but don't waste your emotions trying to get them to understand something that must be experienced firsthand to fully comprehend.

 

Your depression will wax and wane while stabilizing. Just keep track of your progress and accomplishments so you never lose sight of the overall picture. Many people that were on these meds for 20+ years and had horrible issues coming off have written success stories. We will eventually write ours too.

[Roserdl]

Been tracking symptoms and think my dysphoria has gotten worse.  I upped my melatonin after d/c remeron and I now wake up completely dysphoric.  It's bad.  I am using every coping skill under the sun to just sit and watch feelings.

 

I am going to cut back dose and maybe try to use chamomile tea and sleep hypnosis for sleep.  

 

Last night I had a long conversation with cousin that helped but sleep was hard and kept waking up with despondent feeling

 

Studies show melatonin can increase dysphoria in depressed people and too much can down regulate production of one's own.  

[Ariel]

Hi @Roserdl

 

How much melatonin have you been taking? I don't see it in your drug signature. 

Keeping your drug signature comprehensive and up to date will help the mods help you when you need it. 

Apropos supplements, please note that some people find fish oil and vitamins B and D activating. Are B and D part of your multi-vitamin?

More topics on B vitamins: B12 and B3 and B6

 

Do you know the SA topic on melatonin?

Altostrata has a lot of experience with melatonin and has shared her research there.

 

Waking up with negative feelings, e.g. neuro-sadness, neuro-anxiety, etc. might be related to the cortisol spikes. Do you know about those?

They don't only happen in the mornings, they can also happen during the night and during the day, for example an afternoon nap. 

High cortisol and SSRIs

 

Hang in there, R. It gets better <3

[RachelSusan]

Is it possible the increase of your symptoms are from either discontinuing your Remeron or increasing the Melatonin, or perhaps a combination of both? I have read on this website that Melatonin is best in very small doses and too much can be counterproductive to sleeping.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

[Soup]

@Roserdl I have no answers but wanted to send you courage and hope for better days ❤️

[Roserdl]

Neurofeedback Lens Therapy Day 1

 

Went to first session.  Very low frequency radio wave used.  Felt kinda relaxed with first leads then one felt kind of activating.  He then had me do heart rate variability activation and gastrointestinal stimulation to help gut biome.

 

Afterwards I felt a little disoriented and felt like I couldn't cry.  I did an hour later.  All of that is gone.  He says 1 to 3 days to see any effects.  And a little disorientation is usual.  Now, am back from my neighbors and I felt a teeny bit of good humor.   I'm not completely flat.  But this isn't new.  I feel a very light pleasant sensation when smiling or laughing.  This is new over the past month.  Before, I would get a smell of mint or lavender when laughing or smile but no emotion.  It was super weird

Everything about my patterns is slow filling in.   

 

 

[Roserdl]

@soup @rachelsusan @Ariel

 

thank you ladies

 

 I upped the melatonin to 5 mg about four days ago and it was then the depression started getting super bad. It's never good in morning but this was so strong it woke me up in middle of night a few times but fell back to sleep quickly.  

 

I'm going to cut back the dose of melatonin back to 2.5 

 

Thanks for stopping by and caring. It means a lot.  Hope you are all doing as well as possible

 

 

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl Thanks for updating about the neurofeedback. I find it most interesting.  I hope it helps you.

 

I also hope the reduction of melatonin helps. I guess we will find out over the next few days.

[Roserdl]

It's the melatonin.  I reduced it by half and still woke up with depression as physical pain.  I was also in a toothache pain all over my body.  I took a cytokine suppress , supplement which reduces inflammation and I woke up and pain was very diminished and the physical depression was lessened.

 

I'm not sure about neurofeedback.  I was surprised I had so much reaction to a couple leads.  Thinking I might ask him to just switch to v light therapy which is supposed to just aid brain healing.  

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Roserdl  I don't know much about V light therapy. I believe it shining light on the head (transcranial)  or through the nose. I may not even have this information correct.  I've read the benefits can be better sleep, less anxiety and better cognition.    I am sure you have read up on it and know all about it. I hope it helps you.

[Roserdl]

Very real intense partner today about current situation.  It's amazing how withdrawal sucks every vulnerability to the surface. surface and gives us a mirror into all the shadowy places.  

 

After a stubborn day realized the futility and took dog for a walk.  Time to manifest something other than fear and negative self talk.  

 

So I'm going to sleep well tonight with no problem with low dose melatonin with the cytokine suppress on board and wake up in a calm and more positive mindset.  

 

 

 

[Roserdl]

Continued my manifestation Journal last night with scripting and positive affirmations.  I recovered the evening and spent a few hours practicing it.  I really am getting in touch with previous core blockages.  It's funny because I believe in the law of attraction having done it successfully throughout my life.  And in the context of events prior to my crash, this makes total sense.  

 

Withdrawal males you so raw.  And I am now seeing the bully voice clearly and my patterns as well.  

 

There are moments where I am believing I will recover.  

 

The mornings were the challenge

but now (positively affirming here) they are starting to carry over the previous nights meditation

 

It seems sometime the more successful I have been,  the bigger the pushback which makes sense since its old conditioning.

 

 

[FVFI]

You are doing well. I am new to this forum and I am trying to come off zoloft on a slow taper. I don't know why my anxiety is worse during the day. Any advice?

[Roserdl]

16 hours ago, FVFI said:

You are doing well. I am new to this forum and I am trying to come off zoloft on a slow taper. I don't know why my anxiety is worse during the day. Any advice?

I have depression not anxiety so much which has been worse in mornings.  Mornings, people can get cortisol spikes and I think we keep telling ourselves to expect a symptom and it reinforces the belief. I see myself huge differences when I actively work to change my mindset I move my day in a more positive direction. You can also see if there is something you are doing which spikes the anxiety.  Caffeine, a specific stress.  

 

I tell myself I'm not depressed and change my thoughts.

Keep focused on positive content as you go.

Expect to feel better not worse.   I did this last night and it was a bit better this morning than the previous night.

You got this

[FVFI]

Thank you, My mistake about your depression.

 

Thank you for the info. I think we are more aware in the day and that could also be why it is worse in the day. I do have one cup of green tea for the l theonine but that is all the caffeine I have. I am better than last year but still not myself. World ans USA events don't help.

Thanks again, Fran

[Roserdl]

It's a tug of war right now.

 

As I work on manifesting I have more good moments and moments of hope.  Then, the fear ocd pushback loop hits back strong.  And I'm back to giving up or considering ect.  (Believe me I know ect isn't a panacea, but how long can I do this?)  

 

I love the 4th too and this is the first year we will miss fireworks.  My birthday is coming up and this is when we go the ocean and see the seals.  As everyone, I miss my life so much. We had a lot planned this year and it's gone.

 

I am super low today and having a tough time picking myself up.  

 

Reducing melatonin improved intensity of morning dysphoria but sleep is worse and had bad dreams 

 

21 hours ago, FVFI said:

Thank you, My mistake about your depression.

 

Thank you for the info. I think we are more aware in the day and that could also be why it is worse in the day. I do have one cup of green tea for the l theonine but that is all the caffeine I have. I am better than last year but still not myself. World ans USA events don't help.

Thanks again, Fran

I'm glad you have seen some improvements

 

 

[Roserdl]

Well the rope pulled the other way and I managed to go swimming and hang out with dogs in yard and do some manifestation work.  It was really interesting last night., I woke up last night waiting for the fear voice to kick in BUI when it did there was this other voice just there which seemed like the natural true voice and just blew all the bully narrative away.  It lasted about 15 minutes and Mr Hyde showed up with a vengeance this morning but right in this moment that seems silly.  I am calling it the death throes and am manifesting a quick end to it.

 

Swimming is good, the water felt nice!  Not just numb but nice.  Felt refreshed after so some physical pleasure associations filling in.  Ate an orange and it tasted good and I connected the pleasure with the act.  

 

So now the words are trust letting go happiness and clarity

 

Manifesting requires living as if it's already there so off for a walk and fireworks.  😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

 

Hi there, 

So pleased to read that you have experienced some peace and relief. Thank you for sharing <3

 

I noticed that you are a July baby, like me. There are a handful of us here, as far as I can tell, @Bestill and @Erimus to name a few. 

Not to mention Frogie and Altostrata. Shout-out to the SA Cancerian crew, happy birthday to us!

 

I'm glad that reducing the melatonin dose has helped. 

It sounds like you're working hard at getting through this. Give yourself lots of credit for your efforts. 

Remember to rest, too, and be really gentle with yourself. So much of this is out of our hands. 

The difficult symptoms are temporary, they will pass.

Healing is happening all the time, even when we don't consciously feel it. <3

[Guest]

Hi ,

 

i read that you also have take Risperdal. Are off this? And did you have any problems? 
 

sometimes I think I have now no filter an that everything goes right through me, I can’t filter things. 
 

when I hear a song or see something I get OCD so that’s why o stay away from TV and Music.

 

[Roserdl]

4 hours ago, Quittingquentiapin said:

Hi ,

 

i read that you also have take Risperdal. Are off this? And did you have any problems? 
 

sometimes I think I have now no filter an that everything goes right through me, I can’t filter things. 
 

when I hear a song or see something I get OCD so that’s why o stay away from TV and Music.

 

I took risperdal for one month about four years ago and stopped due to a severe reaction. It helped break a ocd thought pattern at the time

[Ariel]

@Roserdl

Just a note to say how much I appreciate the supportive messages you've been posting in Guest's thread. 

Thank you for your kindness. I feel it and it helps me, too. 

 

 

[Roserdl]

7 hours ago, Ariel said:

@Roserdl

 

Hi there, 

So pleased to read that you have experienced some peace and relief. Thank you for sharing ❤️

 

I noticed that you are a July baby, like me. There are a handful of us here, as far as I can tell, @Bestill and @Erimus to name a few. 

Not to mention Frogie and Altostrata. Shout-out to the SA Cancerian crew, happy birthday to us!

 

I'm glad that reducing the melatonin dose has helped. 

It sounds like you're working hard at getting through this. Give yourself lots of credit for your efforts. 

Remember to rest, too, and be really gentle with yourself. So much of this is out of our hands. 

The difficult symptoms are temporary, they will pass.

Healing is happening all the time, even when we don't consciously feel it. ❤️

Ty so much

 

Happy Birthday to all the Cancers and Leo's this month

 

I'm changing my thought pattern right now and I definitely have more better moments when I practice it.  I actually salvaged the day and pulled off a nice evening with my partner.  We lit off some fireworks went swimming and snuggled and talked about how we both needed to change our mindset from loss to mutual support and healing.  

 

Ty for your supportive messages to me and everyone

[Guest]

45 minutes ago, Roserdl said:

I took risperdal for one month about four years ago and stopped due to a severe reaction. It helped break a ocd thought pattern at the time

I get OCD from it.

[Roserdl]

Taking a break from site.

[Carmie]

On 7/7/2022 at 2:26 AM, Roserdl said:

Taking a break from site.

Hi Roserdl, 

 

I saw you on another thread just now. How are you doing? It’s certainly good to have a break from this site every now and again as it’s so sad seeing everyone suffering so much and it can be triggering. I’ve had many breaks, some really long ones. 
 

At the same time though, no one can really understand what we’re going through except for people who are going through the same thing, so at least we can say what we’re really experiencing and others understand on this site. 
 

Take care🧡