Lillie: I gave up fluoxetine in 2018

[Lillie]

I will keep this short as I can.  I gave up fluoxetine in my early 60s when I had the opportunity to retire, having been taking ADs for previous 15 years or so. I didn’t taper having tried it before, and with my personality type I was keen just to turn my back on the whole lot of it and see what happened. At the same time, this is 2018, my friend tried to give up by tapering. Now 4 years later having tried cutting down many times she has just been prescribed yet another type of AD this time stronger than ever. I went through hell giving up but you do come out of the other and I feel sorry for my friend who is still stuck and suffering.

 

First six months. Pure unadulterated hell. I spent a lot of time crying. The psychological pain found a focus in the state of the world and the intense cruelty of humans towards animals (even thought of all the farm creatures penned up with no freedom felt like a hideous knife twisting into my heart). Everything was unbearable, I didn’t sleep well and woke hideously early.I could barely go out, would try having coffee with sympathetic friends and would end up just sitting in silence with tears running down my cheeks. 

 

 6 months to one year.  Still a hellish existence, those close to me started losing patience and sympathy. I started getting comments like ‘maybe you’re just one of those people who always need to take them’, or ‘have you tried mindfulness/etc’ while putting on a why isn’t she pulling herself together by now face.  

 

The second year of withdrawal. At this point I realised it is all about the brain chemicals. There is not a thing you can do until your brain has had time to heal and recover and find its own balance and that will take as long as it takes, so don’t give up, nothing external really seems to help you just need time. I was still trying all sorts of things, eg cold swimming when I could, but it’s not a miracle cure nothing is. You just need to keep fighting it for another day, day after day. Realise that 99%of the advice and suggestions, both medical and ‘alternative’ are bullsh*t. People confuse their journey battling low mood where it worked for them to take that supplement and do that meditation with people like you and I who are suffering a chemical depression where every home grown good feeling the body can create has fled and won’t be coming back for a good long while. Hang in there!

 

After about 18 months it was starting to ease in that by mid to late afternoon my mood was starting to lift and I was even getting some prolonged moments of inner peace from the tortured thoughts that continually plagued me.  But really for the first two years there was a pattern; wake up (too early) and feel normal for about 30 seconds then countdown to the plunge into the abyss as the cortisol kicked in. And I really do mean the abyss.

 

Third year. Generally started actually feeling I was on the road to recovery. The daily cortisol plunge was being shaken off earlier as each month went by. I still had terribly sensitive emotions related to my pain focus of choice (world/animals) and just hearing about the wrong thing would do the trick. My courage started to return in lots of little ways and life started to get back to normal although everything had changed at the same time.

 

Looking back, some things that provided temporary relief:  being outdoors, taking a walk, doing some gardening, cold swimming or showering, repeating a mantra to crowd out the repetitive negative thoughts - pick your own. I chose the Vedic spiritual mantra Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna… etc find it on the internet. This is with the greatest respect to that great Indian tradition from which the mantra comes, I followed transcendental meditation for many years so it had a spiritual meaning for me. A practical tip the mantra should be soothing, easy to repeat over and over. Late afternoons I started to look forward to a strong cocktail sipped in the garden with a little puff of homegrown (also the only reason why I was able to sleep at all). Obvious warning - if you have an addictive personality you will be particularly vulnerable during withdrawal so watch out.  

 

Now four years later. I am definitely 100% over it and have been for a while, now getting psychologically stronger all the time and better than ever before. if you are suffering at the start or in the middle of your journey that sounds like an awfully long time, almost too much to bear. But you must bear it for your long term benefit and when you are free you will finally have your life back in a way that you never truly had been able to perceive it before.  You will have been through hell and survived. The great statesman Winston Churchill kept me going, I repeated a quote to myself all the time ‘if you find yourself in hell, keep going’.

 

If you are young and have been prescribed these medications for anxiety and depression the one thing that will help you terminate your trajectory into lifelong suffering is the one thing in this modern world that is kept in short supply - peace and healing nature. This will be so difficult for you as the modern consuming lifestyle by which we are all tethered and controlled relies on providing constant dopamine hits from clicks and thrills, it is ultra addictive poison - avoid if you have any desire and hope of building a peaceful and meaningful life, and spend as much time in nature and with pets and other animals as you can. (IMHO of course!).

 

For the first 18 months I scoured this website multiple times a day because the one thing that helped was hearing about other people’s experiences and knowing there were others like me suffering on this awful journey that we can only travel alone. As I started to get better I promised myself I would thank this website and the good people who run it for the support and for keeping hope alive that there is actually something worthwhile at the end of the long dark tunnel we’ve had to travel. I hope my experience is of benefit to you. Just keep going, if you do I promise you that the outcome will be unavoidable - freedom and relief.  

 

Edited July 18, 2022 by ChessieCat
Resized font

[Mutfael]

On 7/18/2022 at 4:01 PM, Lillie said:

if you are suffering at the start or in the middle of your journey that sounds like an awfully long time

 

I'm glad you survived this horrible world 🌹

 

I'm not afraid of the severity of withdrawal symptoms, and I'm not afraid of the strength of the pain, I'm afraid that it will continue!  As I did not take the medicine at first, except when I was sick and felt anxious and depressed.. This is what scares me that I will return to the zero point and that what I feel now is not withdrawal, but rather my original disease!

If I knew for sure that what I feel now is a withdrawal, my patience and determination would increase, but I fear that it is the anxiety that was 18 years ago.

[Lillie]

Mutfael

i know how you are feeling.  There is a famous Vedic saying from India “the world is as we are”. Put simply, if we are scared and lonely inside the world is a scary and lonely place. If we are depressed, afraid and anxious inside then the world is a dark, dangerous and frightening place.
If we are suffering from terrible withdrawal symptoms months or even years after we stopped taking these antidepressants, it either means they have damaged our brain chemistry in a way the pharmaceutical industry chooses to ignore or we can imagine that the problem will always be us and our ‘damaged’’ or ill-adjusted personalities. And we may be surrounded by people who see us suffer and think this pain will end if only they can encourage us to go back on the pills. It’s difficult to work out what is actually going on and what is the right thing for you to do when feeling so bad and we can’t trust those feelings.
Mainly because it is overpopulated the world is becoming a terrible place and we don’t really have any control over it or the circumstances we find ourselves in. it’s very difficult for the anxious, depressed or damaged person to feel they will be able to cope without chemical assistance, but we are relying on an external source for our psychological support and we have no control over that source and its future availability to us.
Mutfael, I feel I was born anxious - so anxious I have never felt I fitted in anywhere, it was like a dirty secret about myself I couldn’t share and I used all sorts of nonsense behaviours to hide the shameful fact I really couldn’t cope with this monstrous human world we have made. Of course this led to many bouts of depression, of course I had to function daily in my job, so of course I was prescribed the antidepressants.
I am still that scared, anxious person. the world seems to be descending into a dark place. I don’t have money, or lots of lovely friends or a big loving family to help me. I just have me without antidepressants. I do still get very anxious. Giving up the ADs does not immediately or permanently transfer us to heaven. We live in a world of opposites - light and dark, good and bad, happy and sad, alive and dead. We can’t choose just one state, we have to experience them all at some point. But understanding that the world is as we are - that we experience the world according to how we feel inside - actually gives us a hint how to cope. I cope by trying to make my inner world calm and peaceful. I choose calm and peaceful things to do (eg nature, reading, beautiful art, gardening) and avoid things that make me anxious (busy situations, much of the modern media and tv, certain people, having to deal with the ‘official’ world). The human world has become intensely narcissistic and challenging, almost out of control. I am trying to avoid this in myself and avoid situations that encourage our narcissistic behaviours. It’s not easy. On a good day I am truly at peace. On all those bad days life is awful - but it’s still not nearly as bad as the feelings I had during withdrawal. When I’m having a terrible day, often nothing works or seems to help. But I try to stick with my personal programme of avoiding the things that make me anxious and doing things that make me calm and I know that soon (within hours, or at most a day or so) it will pass and a measure of peacefulness will return. Remember - when walking through hell just keep going! This too shall pass!

Mutfael, I hope your translator makes sense of my words, I hope they help, I hope I haven’t made it too long. Just keep going, believe me as a fellow sufferer, the alternative really is ultimately worse!

[ChessieCat]

Hello Lillie, welcome to SA and congratulations on being psychiatric drug free.

 

Please follow the instructions here and create your drug signature.  This will appear below every post you make and provide members with an overview of your drug history without them having to read through your posts to get the information.  Thank you.

 

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[DazzlingCold]

On 7/18/2022 at 8:01 AM, Lillie said:

I will keep this short as I can.  I gave up fluoxetine in my early 60s when I had the opportunity to retire, having been taking ADs for previous 15 years or so. I didn’t taper having tried it before, and with my personality type I was keen just to turn my back on the whole lot of it and see what happened. At the same time, this is 2018, my friend tried to give up by tapering. Now 4 years later having tried cutting down many times she has just been prescribed yet another type of AD this time stronger than ever. I went through hell giving up but you do come out of the other and I feel sorry for my friend who is still stuck and suffering.

 

First six months. Pure unadulterated hell. I spent a lot of time crying. The psychological pain found a focus in the state of the world and the intense cruelty of humans towards animals (even thought of all the farm creatures penned up with no freedom felt like a hideous knife twisting into my heart). Everything was unbearable, I didn’t sleep well and woke hideously early.I could barely go out, would try having coffee with sympathetic friends and would end up just sitting in silence with tears running down my cheeks. 

 

 6 months to one year.  Still a hellish existence, those close to me started losing patience and sympathy. I started getting comments like ‘maybe you’re just one of those people who always need to take them’, or ‘have you tried mindfulness/etc’ while putting on a why isn’t she pulling herself together by now face.  

 

The second year of withdrawal. At this point I realised it is all about the brain chemicals. There is not a thing you can do until your brain has had time to heal and recover and find its own balance and that will take as long as it takes, so don’t give up, nothing external really seems to help you just need time. I was still trying all sorts of things, eg cold swimming when I could, but it’s not a miracle cure nothing is. You just need to keep fighting it for another day, day after day. Realise that 99%of the advice and suggestions, both medical and ‘alternative’ are bullsh*t. People confuse their journey battling low mood where it worked for them to take that supplement and do that meditation with people like you and I who are suffering a chemical depression where every home grown good feeling the body can create has fled and won’t be coming back for a good long while. Hang in there!

 

After about 18 months it was starting to ease in that by mid to late afternoon my mood was starting to lift and I was even getting some prolonged moments of inner peace from the tortured thoughts that continually plagued me.  But really for the first two years there was a pattern; wake up (too early) and feel normal for about 30 seconds then countdown to the plunge into the abyss as the cortisol kicked in. And I really do mean the abyss.

 

Third year. Generally started actually feeling I was on the road to recovery. The daily cortisol plunge was being shaken off earlier as each month went by. I still had terribly sensitive emotions related to my pain focus of choice (world/animals) and just hearing about the wrong thing would do the trick. My courage started to return in lots of little ways and life started to get back to normal although everything had changed at the same time.

 

Looking back, some things that provided temporary relief:  being outdoors, taking a walk, doing some gardening, cold swimming or showering, repeating a mantra to crowd out the repetitive negative thoughts - pick your own. I chose the Vedic spiritual mantra Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna… etc find it on the internet. This is with the greatest respect to that great Indian tradition from which the mantra comes, I followed transcendental meditation for many years so it had a spiritual meaning for me. A practical tip the mantra should be soothing, easy to repeat over and over. Late afternoons I started to look forward to a strong cocktail sipped in the garden with a little puff of homegrown (also the only reason why I was able to sleep at all). Obvious warning - if you have an addictive personality you will be particularly vulnerable during withdrawal so watch out.  

 

Now four years later. I am definitely 100% over it and have been for a while, now getting psychologically stronger all the time and better than ever before. if you are suffering at the start or in the middle of your journey that sounds like an awfully long time, almost too much to bear. But you must bear it for your long term benefit and when you are free you will finally have your life back in a way that you never truly had been able to perceive it before.  You will have been through hell and survived. The great statesman Winston Churchill kept me going, I repeated a quote to myself all the time ‘if you find yourself in hell, keep going’.

 

If you are young and have been prescribed these medications for anxiety and depression the one thing that will help you terminate your trajectory into lifelong suffering is the one thing in this modern world that is kept in short supply - peace and healing nature. This will be so difficult for you as the modern consuming lifestyle by which we are all tethered and controlled relies on providing constant dopamine hits from clicks and thrills, it is ultra addictive poison - avoid if you have any desire and hope of building a peaceful and meaningful life, and spend as much time in nature and with pets and other animals as you can. (IMHO of course!).

 

For the first 18 months I scoured this website multiple times a day because the one thing that helped was hearing about other people’s experiences and knowing there were others like me suffering on this awful journey that we can only travel alone. As I started to get better I promised myself I would thank this website and the good people who run it for the support and for keeping hope alive that there is actually something worthwhile at the end of the long dark tunnel we’ve had to travel. I hope my experience is of benefit to you. Just keep going, if you do I promise you that the outcome will be unavoidable - freedom and relief.  

 

@Lilliethank you for sharing.
those comments people make that are not supportive can make one feel so lonely in this journey.  
 I am glad you are in a better place. That part were you mentioned how we can get back to experiencing life in a way we haven’t before is the hope what keeps me going. Seeing it possible makes a world of difference.
i relate to many points you make, specially the sensitivity you developed for animal cruelty. Did it lead to any life changes for you?

I started to feel the animals pain as my own. I have opened my eyes to what Big Agriculture does and how much money and efforts go to hide so much cruelty. The experimentation world is another beast as well, never really conclusive if products are safe for human use. 
I can only imagine how hard that focus during those horrible times may have been for you. I, too, struggle at times with obsessive, instrusive thoughts on that topic. 

Has that focus changed for you?

isnt it interesting how that topic chose us? Or was it building itself in our minds for us to choose? Or both? 
whatever it is, its so interesting to me the topics our minds go to when we feel so disregulated. I’m sure others out there have a similar story with a different focus.

 

[Future]

Thanks Lilie, I read your story and I get more strength to carry on, waiting for time to pass...

[Blossom71]

Hi Lillie,

Thanks for sharing your story. There are so many pearls of wisdom in what you’ve written that resonate with me. Especially this that is so beautifully written, but so heartbreaking.

On 7/28/2022 at 9:45 AM, Lillie said:

I feel I was born anxious - so anxious I have never felt I fitted in anywhere, it was like a dirty secret about myself I couldn’t share and I used all sorts of nonsense behaviours to hide the shameful fact I really couldn’t cope with this monstrous human world we have made.

Your courage and wisdom really shine through your posts!

 

@DazzlingCold

20 hours ago, DazzlingCold said:

I started to feel the animals pain as my own. I have opened my eyes to what Big Agriculture does and how much money and efforts go to hide so much cruelty. The experimentation world is another beast as well, never really conclusive if products are safe for human use. 

Is this because you know that you have been hoodwinked into believing psych meds are safe and now know that’s not the case?  I know that I am definitely questioning everything around me now 😒

I don’t even feel like I can trust the “science” anymore.

[DazzlingCold]

14 hours ago, Blossom71 said:

Hi Lillie,

Thanks for sharing your story. There are so many pearls of wisdom in what you’ve written that resonate with me. Especially this that is so beautifully written, but so heartbreaking.

Your courage and wisdom really shine through your posts!

 

@DazzlingCold

Is this because you know that you have been hoodwinked into believing psych meds are safe and now know that’s not the case?  I know that I am definitely questioning everything around me now 😒

I don’t even feel like I can trust the “science” anymore.

Yes, definitely. I’m usually questioning things on a daily basis, sometimes dor the sake of it. It keeps me entertained 😆 

i hear you about science. its so skewed and biased and public information so manipulated. Hard to know what to believe in, except my body. Hehe (i believe all the info I need is in my body, although I often forget)

[Icip]

Hi @Lillie,

 

I stumbled across your thread just by browsing the site, and I'm glad I did! You have such a beautiful outlook, and I can tell just from your writing that you've been through a lot, to pose your writing in such an empathetic, and soothing manner. It's been two years, and 10 months since my adverse reaction, and to hear that it gets better beyond now is a great comfort! I've not been feeling too great recently, and having to find a job now at 22, I've felt quite stuck. It's been a pleasure to read your thread, and has given me a renewed hope. Thank you.

 

I just want to ditto your claim to 'spiritual healing' - I've tried to start meditating over the past few weeks; it's been very stop and start, but I feel close to being whole after even a ten minute session.

 

God bless, and I pray your healing journey continues beyond this psychiatric one!

 

Icip

[redkite]

hi lillie. I already feel better reading your post, and yes we have to challenge everything because we are fed nonsense by those who want to make money of us. But nature is beautiful. Even today with my heat racing and body shaking i saw a tiny baby robin going around me as i watered my garden and as I spoke to it i was in a good place knowing even that bit of garden work had helped the robin. I care for animals deeply and feed hedgehogs ect but in my street I am considered awkward!!!!!! A bit scary and non compliant because I am sensitive to the natural world!!! Pathetic to think if i consumed all the time and had stuff being constantly delivered by vans, maybee a big flash petrol eating car I would be better!!!! I have been really struggling since my last drop but you have given me renewed hope and I thank you. Love redkite

[Blossom71]

On 8/2/2022 at 1:34 PM, DazzlingCold said:

i hear you about science. its so skewed and biased and public information so manipulated. Hard to know what to believe in, except my body. Hehe (i believe all the info I need is in my body, although I often forget)

I often forget, or sometimes I choose to not listen 🙄. I’m getting better at though!

[DazzlingCold]

On 8/3/2022 at 10:22 AM, Blossom71 said:

I often forget, or sometimes I choose to not listen 🙄. I’m getting better at though!

Same and same

[DaBro]

And doctors prescribe Fluoxitine to help with withdrawal from other SSRI’s! Madness. Congratulations on your persistence and success. 3 years seems to be fairly common. Enjoy your drug free retirement 

[Kat66]

Hi @Lillie I can so relate to what you said about your early WD journey, tortured by thoughts of cruelty. These types of thoughts plague me every single day in an exaggerated way. I guess they’re intrusive thoughts and neuroemotions. It’s so bad I have to avoid watching the news or reading about the state the world is in or I get worse. You sound like my kind of person. Thank you for sharing your story, it’s given me hope and reminded me  all these symptoms are temporary. Warm regards, Kat xx

[Tallguy1]

On 7/18/2022 at 8:01 AM, Lillie said:

I will keep this short as I can.  I gave up fluoxetine in my early 60s when I had the opportunity to retire, having been taking ADs for previous 15 years or so. I didn’t taper having tried it before, and with my personality type I was keen just to turn my back on the whole lot of it and see what happened. At the same time, this is 2018, my friend tried to give up by tapering. Now 4 years later having tried cutting down many times she has just been prescribed yet another type of AD this time stronger than ever. I went through hell giving up but you do come out of the other and I feel sorry for my friend who is still stuck and suffering.

 

First six months. Pure unadulterated hell. I spent a lot of time crying. The psychological pain found a focus in the state of the world and the intense cruelty of humans towards animals (even thought of all the farm creatures penned up with no freedom felt like a hideous knife twisting into my heart). Everything was unbearable, I didn’t sleep well and woke hideously early.I could barely go out, would try having coffee with sympathetic friends and would end up just sitting in silence with tears running down my cheeks. 

 

 6 months to one year.  Still a hellish existence, those close to me started losing patience and sympathy. I started getting comments like ‘maybe you’re just one of those people who always need to take them’, or ‘have you tried mindfulness/etc’ while putting on a why isn’t she pulling herself together by now face.  

 

The second year of withdrawal. At this point I realised it is all about the brain chemicals. There is not a thing you can do until your brain has had time to heal and recover and find its own balance and that will take as long as it takes, so don’t give up, nothing external really seems to help you just need time. I was still trying all sorts of things, eg cold swimming when I could, but it’s not a miracle cure nothing is. You just need to keep fighting it for another day, day after day. Realise that 99%of the advice and suggestions, both medical and ‘alternative’ are bullsh*t. People confuse their journey battling low mood where it worked for them to take that supplement and do that meditation with people like you and I who are suffering a chemical depression where every home grown good feeling the body can create has fled and won’t be coming back for a good long while. Hang in there!

 

After about 18 months it was starting to ease in that by mid to late afternoon my mood was starting to lift and I was even getting some prolonged moments of inner peace from the tortured thoughts that continually plagued me.  But really for the first two years there was a pattern; wake up (too early) and feel normal for about 30 seconds then countdown to the plunge into the abyss as the cortisol kicked in. And I really do mean the abyss.

 

Third year. Generally started actually feeling I was on the road to recovery. The daily cortisol plunge was being shaken off earlier as each month went by. I still had terribly sensitive emotions related to my pain focus of choice (world/animals) and just hearing about the wrong thing would do the trick. My courage started to return in lots of little ways and life started to get back to normal although everything had changed at the same time.

 

Looking back, some things that provided temporary relief:  being outdoors, taking a walk, doing some gardening, cold swimming or showering, repeating a mantra to crowd out the repetitive negative thoughts - pick your own. I chose the Vedic spiritual mantra Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna… etc find it on the internet. This is with the greatest respect to that great Indian tradition from which the mantra comes, I followed transcendental meditation for many years so it had a spiritual meaning for me. A practical tip the mantra should be soothing, easy to repeat over and over. Late afternoons I started to look forward to a strong cocktail sipped in the garden with a little puff of homegrown (also the only reason why I was able to sleep at all). Obvious warning - if you have an addictive personality you will be particularly vulnerable during withdrawal so watch out.  

 

Now four years later. I am definitely 100% over it and have been for a while, now getting psychologically stronger all the time and better than ever before. if you are suffering at the start or in the middle of your journey that sounds like an awfully long time, almost too much to bear. But you must bear it for your long term benefit and when you are free you will finally have your life back in a way that you never truly had been able to perceive it before.  You will have been through hell and survived. The great statesman Winston Churchill kept me going, I repeated a quote to myself all the time ‘if you find yourself in hell, keep going’.

 

If you are young and have been prescribed these medications for anxiety and depression the one thing that will help you terminate your trajectory into lifelong suffering is the one thing in this modern world that is kept in short supply - peace and healing nature. This will be so difficult for you as the modern consuming lifestyle by which we are all tethered and controlled relies on providing constant dopamine hits from clicks and thrills, it is ultra addictive poison - avoid if you have any desire and hope of building a peaceful and meaningful life, and spend as much time in nature and with pets and other animals as you can. (IMHO of course!).

 

For the first 18 months I scoured this website multiple times a day because the one thing that helped was hearing about other people’s experiences and knowing there were others like me suffering on this awful journey that we can only travel alone. As I started to get better I promised myself I would thank this website and the good people who run it for the support and for keeping hope alive that there is actually something worthwhile at the end of the long dark tunnel we’ve had to travel. I hope my experience is of benefit to you. Just keep going, if you do I promise you that the outcome will be unavoidable - freedom and relief.  

 

I am one year off Zoloft after almost 7 years. I get some headaches, anxiety attacks, depression and irritability. I am not sure if it's withdrawal or situational related