Kyle1234: protracted withdrawals from sertraline

[Altostrata]

10 hours ago, Kyle1234 said:

I still do feel slightly different each day and I never have a day which is the exact same so things are definitely still changing. I think the main hurdle for me to overcome is the thought that my brain is recovering to something which isn’t what I was like before and I’ll get left in this anhedonic state which it feels like it always wants to go back to. I guess that’s a withdrawal symptom in of itself but difficult to shift.

 

Withdrawal symptoms tend to go up and down and change into other symptoms. This is frustrating, but "normal" for recovery from withdrawal. You have already seen some improvement and are likely to see more slow improvement.

 

You have been taking psychiatric drugs for a long time. Time has passed. You will not get back to where you were 7 years ago, but your brain, body, and nervous system are working to go back to factory settings.

 

We see post-drug emotional anesthesia very often here. If you look at other Introductions topics, you will see most people have it. This is both a legacy of the changes caused by the drugs and possibly a result of withdrawal. Your nervous system is shut down for repairs. You will feel this very gradually lighten.

 

See

What is withdrawal syndrome? 
  
The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Derealization or Depersonalization

 

Overwhelmed, demotivated, apathetic? Cannot get going on interest or action

 

Apathy, anhedonia, emotional numbness, emotional anesthesia 

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

"Is it always going to be like this?"

 

The importance of recognizing you're feeling good

 

"Forest bathing" reduces cortisol, aids mood, immune system

 

 

[Kyle1234]

Coming back to update at the 14 month mark. Everything much the same except still seeing a deterioration of emotional and sexual issues. Anhedonia, numbness, drugged feeling still becoming more intense as time passes - gets worse gradually or after a wave I notice significant shifts (this has happened hundreds of times over the last 14 months and I never recover back to previous state). At best I feel like a zombie, at worst very depressed. Pssd issues including numbness, dysfunction and emotions continue to get worse (not sure how) in the same way.
 

I’ve noticed the exact same thing happened in 2020 when I tried coming off and immediately went back on - there was a massive rebound of various emotions along with very intense obsessive thoughts which both gradually went away over the course of 12-18 months when I found stability (I thought this was expected because I was still on the meds but the exact same pattern minus the windows and waves of other withdrawal symptoms has happened this time too off the meds). 

Windows get further apart and are not as good as the one before even this far out.

 

In all honesty I’ve lost all hope of feeling normal, I notice it because I’ve even given up speaking with coaches for reassurances. Maybe that’s part of acceptance, who knows. All I know is that if this is how it stays I probably won’t be around long enough to care lol.

 

That’s me anyway. I think I used this as more of a rant to get things off my chest than an update, apologies. I’ll come back with an update in a few months.

[Altostrata]

Since July 12, how has your symptom pattern changed? Changes in your sleep pattern?

[Kyle1234]

@Altostrata there’s not really been any change in symptom pattern except windows much much rarer and not as good. In the last couple of months I’ve had one that lasted for a couple of days and then immediately back into a wave. I would say during acute through to month 10/11 I would cycle a few times a week and even though the physical symptoms were more intense and my nervous system felt a lot more sensitised I I wasn’t suffering from depression, it was just the good was getting less and less after each wave. Now I’m in a wave for what feels like at least 3-4 weeks and this unnatural chemical depression is very intense during them and keeps building along with the skin numbness/dryness and PSSD issues. Usually a gradual worsening but can take sudden shifts too.

 

Sleep has remained relatively unchanged since initial improvement after it got very bad post reinstatement in December, I usually average about 4-5 hours and then wake up, I sometimes get back to sleep for an hour or so although that will usually make me feel worse if I nap once I’ve woken up. Think they call it toxic naps? Mornings are always a nightmare though. Pain, spasms, burning brain and other physical issues etc similar in that there were initial improvements for months after reinstatement but not seen much movement since.

[Altostrata]

Are you taking any amount of sertraline?

 

How do you feel compared to what you reported here 

 

[Kyle1234]

I haven’t taken any sertraline since December of last year where I tried a 0.5mg reinstatement for a week but that caused sleep issues and additional PSSD symptoms (genital atrophy etc) which haven’t got better.

 

In comparison to how I felt back then in that last post I feel much more dead when in a window and depressed when in a wave. I would say that the physical withdrawal symptoms that I’ve never experienced before e.g. the parathesia, nerve pain, head pressure, zaps, tinnitus etc. have got better over time. Although every week that passes I lose more emotion / apathy and anhedonia + physical & emotional PSSD symptoms get worse in sudden stepwise intervals which has been happening since acute. 

 

I was talking to my mum the other day and I even said I’d rather be where I was even 6 months ago as weird as that sounds where I had more physical symptoms and even though I was more sensitive, when I had windows they felt emotionally much better (although I was so sensitive that even feeling those emotions brought on symptoms? Like my cns couldn’t handle it). However those windows have felt worse and worse from an emotional perspective each time. After each wave I have a sudden shift where my emotions get more constricted, my skin goes more numb, my senses (sight, smell, hearing etc) get more dulled and the PSSD gets worse. That cycle has repeated hundreds of times.

 

These are definitely my most intense and worrisome symptoms because it’s just gotten worse as I’ve felt less sensitised for 14 months.

 

I’m still trying my best to do the right things, I’m eating clean, staying hydrated, doing some exercise, removed all stress, rest as much as possible. It just seems the total opposite of what should be happening especially over such long periods of time.

[Kieran]

Hi Kyle

 

I’m terribly sorry to hear about your drug withdrawal. I’m also experiencing many of the same symptoms as you, including the anhedonia and PSSD. Your posts speak of someone who is doing all the right things and convey a real clarity of thought and understanding. Coming from someone in a similar position and who also lives in the UK (London), I just wanted to send you my support and best wishes today. 

 

Kieran

[Altostrata]

15 hours ago, Kyle1234 said:

I would say that the physical withdrawal symptoms that I’ve never experienced before e.g. the parathesia, nerve pain, head pressure, zaps, tinnitus etc. have got better over time.

 

This is a good sign. 

 

Emotional anesthesia is a very common consequence of psychiatric drug treatment. Is it possible you notice it more now that the physical symptoms have faded? Protracted withdrawal can last a lot longer than a year. Be patient.

[Kyle1234]

On 10/10/2023 at 3:03 AM, Altostrata said:

 

This is a good sign. 

 

Emotional anesthesia is a very common consequence of psychiatric drug treatment. Is it possible you notice it more now that the physical symptoms have faded? Protracted withdrawal can last a lot longer than a year. Be patient.

Hi there, back for my check in…

 

In response to your last message, unfortunately not. During acute there was a massive rebound where old emotions resurfaced in waves and quite intensely but it brought back so many memories of how I used to feel (the positive emotions that I haven’t felt for so many years) and all of my senses became clearer, vision sharpened, numbness improved etc. But after a couple of months these windows started to get progressively ‘worse’ - all of the changes the drug made seemed to come back after every wave and ingrain themselves more but worse - I’ve had so many sudden noticeable shifts where this has got worse over the last year and a half. After 14 months those windows had stopped. The emotional blunting and physical PSSD symptoms still continue to get worse a year and a half out. I would say it can’t be worse but I thought that 2-3 months ago and it did.

 

I know over the short term things can fluctuate but even over longer periods i.e. many months/years I’m not seeing that improvement regarding these main issues, in fact the opposite, and it’s really getting to me.

 

But even when I was only on the drug for 6 weeks back in 2015 and I stopped cold turkey these emotional and physical PSSD symptoms (albeit not to this extent) kept getting worse the longer I was off until I reinstated and kindled 8 months later and never went back to normal on it (I didn’t know about withdrawal/PSSD back then) - this makes me feel like I was just hyper sensitive to these meds to begin with and then the continual exposure for multiple years where I was actually just treating withdrawal/pssd with the same offending drug back then has completely ruined my chance of going back to normal. I keep thinking if I was just getting worse 8 months off after just 6 weeks use what chance do I have after 7 years with exponentially more damage and symptoms this time?? 

Sorry for the longwinded message I just find it extremely difficult to see how I am healing or going back to normal. I still have the same additional symptoms like extreme headaches/pressure, obsessive thoughts, insomnia, burning, fatigue etc that all come and go but it’s the persistent feeling as if my brain has been permanently emotionally and sexually castrated/labotimised to be the biggest hurdle. I don’t want to be one of those people on the PSSD group who haven’t got better years or decades later.

 

I will keep going though as I don’t really have any other option but it’s more like survival mode.

 

Kyle

[Altostrata]

Emotional anesthesia is a very common consequence of psychiatric drug treatment, with or without PSSD. Protracted withdrawal can last a lot longer than a year. Be patient.

[Kyle1234]

On 12/19/2023 at 7:04 PM, Altostrata said:

Emotional anesthesia is a very common consequence of psychiatric drug treatment, with or without PSSD. Protracted withdrawal can last a lot longer than a year. Be patient.

Hi Alto, stopping by for an update, I’m sorry it’s not better news. Unfortunately the waves still keep getting worse as they have throughout these 2 years, their duration is also much longer, I would say 95% of the time I am in extreme discomfort now.

 

Main issues currently are the burning brain and head pressure, vibrations, extreme looping thoughts, chemical depression, bouts of chemical terror, extreme insomnia, electric shocks/zaps mainly when trying to sleep or moving eyes, nerve pain in legs, arms and neck in particular, shaking and muscle weakness, GI issues, fatigue, pupils rapidly contracting and dilating like they can’t adjust properly, dry red eyes, flashing lights/flickery vision, severe brain fog and memory issues, tinitus, twitches, numb genitals which has progressed to numb skin all over body, inability to feel any positive emotion at all any longer even when waves subside slightly and the PSSD issues. All more intense with each passing wave and a lower baseline.

 

Main changes since last time - I can rarely leave my bed anymore, my system is so sensitive the tinniest bit of exertion destroys me, I start violently shaking, my vision goes, feel nauseous and every physical/mental symptom ramps up full volume (a gentle walk is my maximum when even at a year off I was jogging, doing some resistance exercises on better days, socialising some what etc). I cannot sleep for the life of me, every attempt leads to an electric shock that jolts me awake (I spend about 8 hours a night repeatedly trying and being shocked) which then sets off what feels like a chemical reaction in my head and all my symptoms rev up, sleep has always been an issue in withdrawal but never this bad. Cognition and memory gets worse after each wave, I can only liken it to some form of neurodegenerative disease (I know I don’t have that but it just feels like it). The looping thoughts are also worse than ever and get worse when the burning brain, head pressure and tinnitus increase. This has been supplemented with the worsening of the visual snow which has got significantly worse recently too. Apologies for the graphic detail but if I ‘test out’ where the PSSD is, whatever that releases sends me into full blown wave for days on end. Essentially my nervous systems reactivity to any change to the chemicals in my head is probably the worst it’s ever been it feels like.

 

Sadly as I come up to 2 years off, outside of some acute symptoms, I’m still not seeing longer term improvement and most depressingly, a worsening of most sx. I would easily say this is the worst I’ve been. I am white knuckling every day. Combined with the incessant looping thoughts which I’ve had throughout I am mentally at my lowest eb and SI is often at the forefront. My mum is also struggling immensely as she is seeing me deteriorate and doesn’t know how to help. She is also concerned as she doesn’t understand what’s happening and the worry is making her ill.

 

Sorry I couldn’t bring better news. I am still trying my best. Eating clean, staying hydrated, going for a short walk on days I am able, resting as much as possible. It’s just soul destroying that it’s not getting easier.

 

Can I ask if this something that you’ve seen before with other members? Worsening, especially over long periods, before eventually recovering? I have heard of people going through an intense final wave before healing but I’ve been thinking that for 6-9 months and with each passing wave I’m thrown deeper.

 

The one thing I have accepted is that I realise now that the reason I may be an extreme case is because I’ve actually been in withdrawal since 2015, and the following 7 years on the med were periods of kindling, 3 years worth of stablisation as I endured and waited for the kindling to calm down, and subsequent repeated failed attempts at withdrawal which took additional years to stableise from before finally being cold turkeyed off by my GP. I imagine most people would come here where I was in 2015, or maybe after the severe adverse reaction in 2016. The accumulation of damage since almost killed me. The months/years of kindling were, at points, worse than this withdrawal albeit limited to extreme mental symptoms. I never spoke out then because I was in a state of perpetual unbridled fear and was never warned the drugs could do this. So I took them like a good patient and sucked it up, genuinely not sure how looking back. It’s a harsh realisation knowing all of the issues I’ve experienced for a decade have been all down to this poison when I never needed it to begin with. I guess all of us come to that realisation sooner or later.

 

Apologies for the long reply, have been away for a while. I hope there’s some better news soon.

 

Kyle

[Emonda]

On 3/20/2024 at 8:09 AM, Kyle1234 said:

Hi Alto

 

Hi @Kyle1234,

Thanks for the update.

 

Just a short note to let you know Alto has stepped back from day-to-day involvement here. If you post, someone else will do their best to respond.

 

On 3/20/2024 at 8:09 AM, Kyle1234 said:

I am still trying my best. Eating clean, staying hydrated, going for a short walk on days I am able, resting as much as possible.

 

I'm glad to read this.

 

On 3/20/2024 at 8:09 AM, Kyle1234 said:

It’s just soul destroying that it’s not getting easier.

 

It certainly can be a very brutal experience. I'm sorry to read about your experience.

 

On 3/20/2024 at 8:09 AM, Kyle1234 said:

Can I ask if this something that you’ve seen before with other members? Worsening, especially over long periods, before eventually recovering? I have heard of people going through an intense final wave before healing but I’ve been thinking that for 6-9 months and with each passing wave I’m thrown deeper.

 

Everyone is different, so it's hard to compare. Also, some people initially post here, then we don't hear from them again.

 

Certainly, people can suffer for an extended period. Alto herself suffered for years, but she has recovered, and so will you.

 

On 3/20/2024 at 8:09 AM, Kyle1234 said:

was never warned the drugs could do this. .... It’s a harsh realisation knowing all of the issues I’ve experienced for a decade have been all down to this poison when I never needed it to begin with. I guess all of us come to that realisation sooner or later.

 

I don't think any of us were warned. I hope this will begin to change for the next generation and that the struggling can stop.

 

Keep fighting, Kyle