LittleSunshine Recovering...Slowly. I hope I can give you hope.

[LittleSunshine]

I originally joined Surviving Antidepressants in 2020 after I had experienced horrific reactions to a series of medications, antibiotics, and supplements.  I wanted to come back to give some people some hope and track my last bit of progress until i get to the finish line. The story is long, so I will try to make it brief.

 

My journey with mental health started when I was very young.  I had a feeling, like many young people do, that I didn't fit in. And I didn't. I was considered strange by others. I found it hard to speak without going mute. I felt so overwhelmed at school that I found myself hiding in the bathroom nearly everyday crying and rocking myself back and forth. I consistently resisted the urge to hide under my desk. I was exhausted by having to constantly curate my responses to what I thought was normal. I felt like everyone was playing a game that I didn't get the instruction manual to and would spend hours by myself after school to recharge, because these seemingly simple things left me drained and angry. Despite this, I was a very passionate and happy kid when I was at home or in a chosen environment. I felt so much and my inner world was so deep and intricate. I was never depressed. 

 

When 11th grade came around, in 2011, I told my parents that I was having social anxiety. I couldn't handle how I felt anymore and something needed to be done. I was almost immediately placed on 100 mg of Zoloft and Buspirone 10 mg a day, which, looking back, seemed excessive for a 95 pound high schooler. But, I loved it. I almost felt a high on it.  Less bad feelings/anxiety and just a high. It became slightly easier to look people in the eyes for longer than a second. I became super positive and a lot of my sensory stuff dulled. It became easier to pretend to be someone else, to be complacent. 

 

As time went on, I began to sleep a lot. Like ALOT and felt weak and exhausted after almost everything I did. Eventually, my passions became less interesting and I didn't even care. I stopped doing art and everything that I had loved all my life. Yet,  I felt great. That was all that mattered. Once I got into college, 2014 (3 years into taking the medication), I noticed that I spent a majority of my day sleeping and that I didn't really do anything anymore. I had no hobbies. I just slept and hung out with my friends and boyfriend when I could muster the energy. On top of this, I felt sick. My body ached. I felt like there were weights weighing me down. I felt nauseous most of my day. I thought I had an autoimmune disease. 

 

I continued on sick, depressed, passionless, yet had very little desire or motivation to change it. The social anxiety was returning, though not as intense.  The sexual dysfunction was getting in the way of my relationship. Though, at the time, I hadn't experienced sexual activity without antidepressants, so I didn't know what was normal.  In 2015, I drank for the first time and realized that I would have a bit of relief in symptoms when I did this. My pain dampened and I felt more alive. My social issues were less difficult. I became a borderline alcoholic and took opiates nearly every day for a few months after a surgery, even though I didn't need them. They gave me the same relief from the physical pain that had plagued me for years. 

It wasn't until 2018, when I realized my antidepressants may be the original problem. Of course, the alcohol, opiates and on occasion, cough syrup, didn't help and only exacerbated issues. My boyfriend at the time, mentioned that it could be my antidepressants. I told him no and became very defensive of them. After all, they were keeping me sane! What would I be without them? I truly had no idea how far I had strayed away from myself. A few months later, I took his words seriously and went to my Nurse Practitioner. I found out that I couldn't metabolize my medication quick enough leading to a build up. No wonder I felt so awful. She told me I'd be fine to just stop both of my medications, so I did. I was put on Wellbutrin, because of my complaints of sex drive and motivation. 

 

I noticed a fairly quick rise in motivation. I started to care more. I felt passionately about my hobbies again. I started to feel less pain and nausea. My sex drive and excessive didn't change until 6-7 months when out of the blue it normalized and I seemingly returned to factory settings. Unfortunately, with this came all of my previous issues. No amount of therapy could help me. I was so overwhelmed being around people too long. I had trouble putting on a face and felt so uncomfortable all the time. 

 

The next part i'm going to keep less detailed, as reliving this part of my life is terribly painful and traumatic. 

 

Long story, short. I crashed. I jumped back on the medication train.  I tried a million different medications and supplements to help me. I had horrible reactions, starting with and most prominently, akathisia.  It got to the point where I paced for almost 2 months straight until my feet bled. I was hospitalized, forced medication.  These reactions only got worse and lasted longer, the more I tried. This stint lasted for an entire year until my caretakers realized what was going on and left me to heal. 

 

 

Symptoms I had:

 

- Akathisia

- Internal agitation

- Olfactory Hallucinations

- Time perception issues

- Whole body numbness

- Inability to feel rested

- No dreams

- Visual issues, felt like the floor was spinning, wall was moving

- Sexual dysfunction, complete asexuality, genital atrophy

- Insomnia (Slept 2-3 hours a night) 

- Hair loss

- Floaters

- Loss of period

- Lack of thirst and hunger cues. 

- Incontinence

- Mouth and eye dryness

- Neuropathic pain

- Tinnitus

- Anhedonia, felt no joy

- Uncontrollable anger outbursts, agitation

- Delusions, paranoia

- Brain fog

- Derealization/ Depersonalization (2nd most hellish symptoms)

- Circulation issues

- Constipation, stomach issues. 

- less ability to smell

- Hypersensitivity to scents, caffeine, certain foods.

- Burning skin, especially feet. 

- Emotional Numbness

- Head pressure

 

 

Luckily for me, most of the major akathisia, stopped a few months after the last dose, the end of 2020. Though, I felt internal agitation for much longer. I spent the next two years laying around and resting. I went on walks and was gentle with myself. At the end of 2021, I started listening to music again and some pleasure from watching tv, though it was dulled. In every other aspect, i was in hell. I wasn't sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night. 

 

On one miraculous night in 2022, I was watching tv when, all of a sudden I felt attraction. I felt completely normal again. Like myself. I slept 6 hours that night. It only lasted a day, but it gave me hope. It was another two months till i had another window and it lasted a week. The next one was 5 months later. This one lasted a month. Then another 5 months wave turned into a month long window. Each window got better and better and lead to an overall better baseline. In December I slept more than I had in years. I had normal sexual functioning for the first time since 2019. I spent more time with my friends and enjoyed a lot of the things I used to. 

 

I'm currently back in a wave, as I believe I have overexerted myself in some ways. i haven't slept properly for about two weeks, but my waves are ten times better and shorter than they used to be. 

 

Symptoms I have currently,  during my waves.  I've had complete relief of all of these in windows. I want to emphasize that these are only during my waves and are way better in comparison to what they used to be. 

 

- Insomnia, but I feel rested when I do sleep. Even if it's a little. I even have lots of silly dreams again. 

-  Very mild anhedonia. Things just don't feel like as intense as they are in windows but I can still find some enjoyment. 

- Neuropathic pain (much better than it used to be)

- slight emotional numbness, have trouble feeling sad, but this could just be PTSD from this situation, which I've been diagnosed with. 

- Tinnitus

- Head pressure, but much less pronounced

 

 

What did I do to heal this much? I can't say for sure what did it for me but I think I did some things that helped. 

 

- Stopped experimenting with supplements and medication.

- No Alcohol. None.

- Lots of rest

- Little to no Caffeine. A few weeks ago, I had something with green tea in it and it didn't effect me badly at all. I slept 7 hours that night. Whereas, a year ago I accidentally had some and couldn't sleep at all for days. Even though, my sensitivity to it has lessened majorly, I am still going to limit it.

- Listening to my body and avoiding things that trigger me, but also not assuming every single thing that I eat or drink is going to effect me. 

- Limiting screen time and actually living in the moment.

- Speaking to friends and family, despite not feeling any attachment or anything. 

- Engaging in hobbies I used to love. Work that muscle memory.. 

- Not overdoing it with exercise. Going on walks was very helpful. However,  I did a 45 minute HIIT workout and I think that's what landed me in this recent wave. My sleep hasn't recovered fully, but it will. 

- Limiting time on forums/staying off of them. I remember reading forums and being so anxious and paranoid all the time. I think being on them is helpful, because you know you aren't alone but an obsession with them will only cause you more stress, which in turn, will get in the way of healing. 

- The biggest one: TIME. TIME. TIME. Be patient and give it time. Ride the waves. 

 

 

Life is feeling good again. I'm looking forward to the future. I am working again. I bought a house. I see my friends and I am enjoying my life again. Some good things have came from this experience. One being that I had time to really reflect.  I spent loads time in therapy reflecting on my past and found out many things about myself. The biggest including, being diagnosed with autism. It makes me very sad to think of the little girl who didn't have the resources or knowledge to know what was making things so difficult for her. But now, I'm grateful and so much happier now that I can find ways to support and take care of myself and my needs. It's been a game changer. 

 

I hope you all push through this, because life can truly be beautiful again, despite how hopeless you may feel now. I thought it was all over for me. It wasn't. It was only the beginning. Now that I've made it through this, I know I can tackle anything. And so can you.  Much love and healing to you all. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LittleSunshine]

I meant to put my Excessive Sleep. **   not my excessive ___

[Altostrata]

Thanks so much for telling your story, @LittleSunshine

 

How did you go off your drugs? What was the last batch you were taking? You took your last dose at the end of 2020, what were your symptoms over the next 6 months?

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

[LittleSunshine]

Hi Altostrata,

 

I was pulled on and off all of them, except for Seroquel. No taper. The last medication I was on was Seroquel and I did a taper of that one. My symptoms were what I listed above. They lasted without a ton of change for about 1 1/2 -2 years after the last dose before I started having any windows at all. 

 

 

[LittleSunshine]

Sunday- Had a great nights sleep felt fully rested. 8 hours. 

Monday- The day was great. Felt almost 90 percent normal. Slept 3-4 hours this night. 

Tuesday- Felt restless and in depressed mood.  Slept 3 hours. 

[Altostrata]

We need this: Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature 

[LittleSunshine]

@AltostrataOkay. Is my signature okay?

[Altostrata]

Yes, thank you!

 

On 2/10/2023 at 5:54 PM, LittleSunshine said:

Symptoms I have currently,  during my waves.  I've had complete relief of all of these in windows. I want to emphasize that these are only during my waves and are way better in comparison to what they used to be. 

 

- Insomnia, but I feel rested when I do sleep. Even if it's a little. I even have lots of silly dreams again. 

-  Very mild anhedonia. Things just don't feel like as intense as they are in windows but I can still find some enjoyment. 

- Neuropathic pain (much better than it used to be)

- slight emotional numbness, have trouble feeling sad, but this could just be PTSD from this situation, which I've been diagnosed with. 

- Tinnitus

- Head pressure, but much less pronounced

 

Good to hear you're doing better now. How often do you have waves?

 

What was your symptom recovery pattern over the last year?

[LittleSunshine]

For the first year-year and a half after the last dose, it was pretty much nonstop waves.

 

I had a small window in January 2022 that that lasted a night, then back in a wave for months. 2- 3 months later I had a partial window that lasted a week. Then back in. But my baseline was much better.  A wave for another three months The next window lasted about a month. Back in a wave for two months. Baseline improved. The next window about 2 months and now I’m back in wave. But my baseline has significantly improved. I noticed that every time, my windows got better and my waves got less terrible and more bearable. 
 

My current wave consists waning and waxing headaches, agitation, and restless, poor sleep.  I have a harder time focusing and enjoying things. But I’m still able to enjoy things overall. I found myself in  fit of laughter earlier, something I didn’t do for years. 
the great thing is I’m having windows even in this overall wave. I slept slightly better last night and had a good mood this morning.

 

[Altostrata]

That sounds about right for recovery from withdrawal syndrome. You're on your way!

 

Please let us know how you're doing.

[kygirl]

@Annaaa she had alot of our symptoms

[Annaaa]

@kygirl thank you for tagging me in this post , i just read through it. This type of stories give me so much hope .. 

[HelenR]

@LittleSunshinewhat an amazing and inspiring story. I truly hope you will find happiness completely. 

[LittleSunshine]

@HelenRthanks so much ❤️

[LittleSunshine]

I’ve slept about 7 hours nearly every night for about a week! Feeling great. 
 

also I’ve noticed in my windows, I’m able to feel a lot more physical pain like aching and soreness. Just something I found interesting. For a while I’d walk 8-10 miles a day and not feel any sort of soreness or pain. I think the ability to feel emotion and ability to feel pain are linked for sure. 

[LittleSunshine]

I've felt very emotional and sentimental the past few days. I've been feeling things I haven't felt in years. I'm very happy with this. 

[Kristyb1130]

On 2/22/2023 at 4:49 AM, LittleSunshine said:

@HelenRthanks so much ❤️

Hi little Sunshine, 

[Kristyb1130]

On 2/23/2023 at 11:33 AM, LittleSunshine said:

I've felt very emotional and sentimental the past few days. I've been feeling things I haven't felt in years. I'm very happy with this. 

Hi I was just wondering, you were on a huge amount of meds too. Did you go to a hospital.  That’s how I got all of them. 

[LittleSunshine]

7 hours ago, Kristyb1130 said:

Hi I was just wondering, you were on a huge amount of meds too. Did you go to a hospital.  That’s how I got all of them. 

Yes. I was hospitalized several times.

[Kristyb1130]

Did they ever diagnose you in the hospital with psychosis from so many meds?

[LittleSunshine]

56 minutes ago, Kristyb1130 said:

Did they ever diagnose you in the hospital with psychosis from so many meds?

Not officially diagnosed on my records but it was discussed.

[Annaaa]

@LittleSunshine how is your emotions and physical pain going is it getting better ?

[LittleSunshine]

29 minutes ago, Annaaa said:

@LittleSunshine how is your emotions and physical pain going is it getting better ?

I’m doing great! This week I’ve had a lot of relief. My sense of smell has even improved quite a bit. I forgot how bad it was. I cried on my way home from work today. It was great. 

[Annaaa]

@LittleSunshine im so glad to hear that , your story gives me hope , my smell is great but I loss my taste is weird , how this medication affects everybody.. 

[angela9985]

Hello LittleSunshine, hope you fully recover soon! Could I ask how do you cope during the day when you could only sleep 2-3 hrs a night? I am currently in an insomnia wave for about three months, and I feel all my other symptoms are intensified because of sleep deprivation. And I can't nap during the day. I am always very tired but can't fall asleep. It's very depressing and I don't know what to do. 

[BooBoo19]

@LittleSunshine

Thank you for this update it is most inspiring because your symptoms, timeline is similar to mine and I was beginning to think I was not healing and would be the one to make history.  I have experienced mostly waves with the odd window every several months and in some respect felt worse the further out I am. I can have a good night sleep for 8 hours followed by  a week of 1-2 hours per night and significant symptoms, it is easy to lose all hope.  So a big thank you it gives me hope and especially Altostrata comment that 'it sounds about right for withdrawal syndrome' I look forward to reading your success story.

[LittleSunshine]

I've been back in a full window the past 4 days. I've been feeling great. Sleeping great. I've been feeling joy and comfort. For a long time I forgot that I felt satisfaction from sleeping or watching tv. Contentment was lost to me. I'm very happy. Just cried because Ke Huy Quan won an oscar. Very much like the old me would. It feels good. 

[LittleSunshine]

On 3/9/2023 at 7:28 AM, angela9985 said:

Hello LittleSunshine, hope you fully recover soon! Could I ask how do you cope during the day when you could only sleep 2-3 hrs a night? I am currently in an insomnia wave for about three months, and I feel all my other symptoms are intensified because of sleep deprivation. And I can't nap during the day. I am always very tired but can't fall asleep. It's very depressing and I don't know what to do. 

I just watch tv or try to keep myself occupied in some way, puzzles, etc. I still get those nights sometimes. Lying awake and stressing over the fact that I wasn't sleeping didn't help me at all. When I stopped thinking about the fact that I wasn't sleeping, I think it reduced a lot of my stress. 

[LittleSunshine]

On 3/11/2023 at 7:30 AM, BooBoo19 said:

@LittleSunshine

Thank you for this update it is most inspiring because your symptoms, timeline is similar to mine and I was beginning to think I was not healing and would be the one to make history.  I have experienced mostly waves with the odd window every several months and in some respect felt worse the further out I am. I can have a good night sleep for 8 hours followed by  a week of 1-2 hours per night and significant symptoms, it is easy to lose all hope.  So a big thank you it gives me hope and especially Altostrata comment that 'it sounds about right for withdrawal syndrome' I look forward to reading your success story.

I'm glad it gives you hope! Yes. It took a while to get to this point but it was worth the wait. I just remind myself every time I have a window, that I will eventually feel that way all the time and that it will get better and better every time. 

[itsalyssadood]

Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope 🖤🥲

[JF46]

Which probiotic do you take?

[LittleSunshine]

3 hours ago, JF46 said:

Which probiotic do you take?

I don't take any probiotics.

[Annaaa]

@LittleSunshine How are you doing now ? Are you still seeing improvements?

[LittleSunshine]

On 3/31/2023 at 4:08 PM, Annaaa said:

@LittleSunshine How are you doing now ? Are you still seeing improvements?

Yep! I'm in a bit of a wave right now, but I had about a month long window. My baseline is much better, however.

[LittleSunshine]

I will say that my hypersensitivity to fragrances and VOC's has not gone completely away, though it is much better. I just bought a hypoallergenic perfume, Dossier, but it caused a reaction. Headache and brain fog all day. Slightly derealized. It will go away. My reactions don't last as long as they used to. 

[SertralineIssues29]

Hey @LittleSunshine it's so nice to read your story, I'm also in a similar position although not as tough, had a bad reaction to my usually ok sertraline 4 months back, then a bad reaction to lorazepam/ativan then was given antibiotics having waves and windows that happen daily but I'm trying to keep hope that I will heal over time as its still early for me at the moment

 

Thankyou for sharing 

 

SI xx