Rubied: getting off Abilify and Zoloft for good

[Rubied]

Hi Firefly,

 

I am currently with my family yes. I'm perhaps marginally better. I am with them, or the dog, or the chickens, all the time. I feel like I can't be alone at all. Still experiencing rapid cycles of crying on and off but it's less now since yesterday. Probably because it's the weekend and I don't have to force myself to work remotely.

I need to return to my own home, however.

I've missed a lot of work and not been in the office for weeks, and I don't want to lose my job, so I have to come back, perhaps Tuesday.

I am making a day by day plan for the coming week, as everything is overwhelming me. 

Current symptoms: doom feeling upon awakening, rapid waves of crying on off, no appetite, constant forehead headache, new allergies on hands and arms, easy to panic/overwhelm, depression.

[FireflyFyte]

On 9/10/2023 at 4:28 AM, Rubied said:

I am currently with my family yes. I'm perhaps marginally better.

 

Marginally better is a step in the right direction. 

 

How have you been back at work?

[Rubied]

Things have slightly changed. I flew back home to my fiancé on Tuesday. Cried at the airport, but decided I have to fix some aspects of my life, no matter how I feel currently.

During the flight, about 2 hours in, I suddenly get this small wave of gratitude, positive feelings and determination to make things better. I felt momentarily better, I might even say, happy! It lasted about maybe 30-40 minutes and then dissipated. Last time I felt somewhat like that was perhaps in May. It was also great being with my family, I felt supported somewhat and connected to them, and I'm calmer now.

 

For the last 3 days, I've almost stopped crying. I might tear up a bit, but it quickly passes. The intensity is much less. It helps that I am only working 20 hours a week right now, as per my agreement with my manager, so I'm called in "half-sick/50% off" (its a possibility here, thankfully). I'm also thankful to my past self for working my butt off last year, getting promoted, and showing that when I am OK I can do great work, so I've gained their trust. My manager just wants me to feel better and trusts that I will catch up with work in the end anyway. That puts off a load of pressure, which is great. I am meanwhile looking for a better-suited role, but its a long and tiring process and I haven't found anything good for me yet. I dont want to rush it, and I want to give myself time to recover enough to even be able to go through that stress. I'm trying to be smart how I juggle with what makes me unhappy, what is a priority, and recovering in general.

 

I've also started again reaching out to people, old friends, colleagues for a coffee, anyone really. I've gotten some tips, natural ones. For my shoulder/neck pains I've been suggested acupuncture. I dont even know if it's a legit thing but I'm willing to try. Another person suggested I try hathayoga, and I went to my first class last night. I struggled emotionally and physically, but I made it. Not sure if I will continue, but I am also looking into other gentle activities to try out (swimming group classes is my next option). Lastly, a colleague whose wife is also struggling with different issues, suggested I should try a clinic in the neighbouring town. They use neurofeedback/different approach in therapy. I dont even know what that is, and part of me doesn't want to research it because then I go down the rabbit hole and will convince myself it isn't for me, or it's fake, or whatever. I am willing to give it a try, and I have an intake phonecall on Monday. So I am honestly truly looking for anything to help me feel better.

 

All sounds good, minus a new symptom that appeared the last 3 nights: insomnia is back. I am sleeping so very little (between 3-5 hours), and when I do sleep, it's very light sleep. When I was drugged up all the time, I would sleep all the time. But since I experienced a tiny shift in mindset recently, I am not letting insomnia control me. I try to talk to myself in my head, be kind to myself, tell myself "today I am grateful for having a bed to sleep in, for being employed, for having understanding people around me" etc. I am telling myself things will be ok, I am doing my best, I don't suck at my job and I am still smart deep down, I am just having a horrid time and it will pass. It helps me to calm down a bit and after a while I try to fall asleep again.

 

So, all in all, things are not as desperate as 1-2 weeks ago (kind of). I feel I am still depressed, but the uncontrollable crying has let up a bit as has rapidly spiralling out of control. Maybe it's a window, a combo of things, whatever, but right now I am a tiny bit more confident that things are improving. Very uneasy about it I don't trust this feeling, but at least it's not as bad as 1-2 weeks ago.

[Rubied]

I spoke too soon.

 

The simple act of typing the previous reply out, with not really having a plan or goal for myself in life, a small fight with my fiancé where he just said he doesn't know how to help me anymore and is getting fed up of being with me like this... has sent me off the edge and I'm stuck in bed. Crying again.  It's possible I may be catching a cold that my fiancé has, which doesn't help either.

 

When will this hell end...?

[FireflyFyte]

5 hours ago, Rubied said:

During the flight, about 2 hours in, I suddenly get this small wave of gratitude, positive feelings and determination to make things better. I felt momentarily better, I might even say, happy! It lasted about maybe 30-40 minutes and then dissipated. Last time I felt somewhat like that was perhaps in May. It was also great being with my family, I felt supported somewhat and connected to them, and I'm calmer now.

 

This sounds like a window which is a positive sign. You can read more about windows at The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization.

 

6 hours ago, Rubied said:

All sounds good, minus a new symptom that appeared the last 3 nights: insomnia is back. I am sleeping so very little (between 3-5 hours), and when I do sleep, it's very light sleep.

 

Sadly, insomnia is a common withdrawal symptom. It sounds like you already have a few strategies to help but here is a list of others that might help -  Tips to help sleep

 

4 hours ago, Rubied said:

I spoke too soon.

 

The simple act of typing the previous reply out, with not really having a plan or goal for myself in life, a small fight with my fiancé where he just said he doesn't know how to help me anymore and is getting fed up of being with me like this... has sent me off the edge and I'm stuck in bed. Crying again.  It's possible I may be catching a cold that my fiancé has, which doesn't help either.

 

When will this hell end...?

 

I am sorry to hear that your window passed and you aren't feeling great. We cannot estimate when withdrawal will end as it is different for everyone. If possible, I would encourage you to hold onto those moments where you are feeling better.

[Rubied]

1 small moment of hope, then a huge setback day.

 

Everything is extremely unpredictable and unstable. Saturday morning I had another hour of momentary happiness, hope, and looking forward to the future. It dissipated quickly, and gave way to a wave of anger, then depression, alternating between those all weekend. Yet, I tried staying active and hopeful.

I stuck to my goal of checking out the new gym in town, they have all modalities and also a spa and wellness centre which I thought I could make use of. I am testing it out tomorrow evening, it might also be a chance to make friends and get out the house.

 

Today however.... I had a 'semi-interview' with a manager for another team. As soon as we sit down, he proceeds to say "ok so I just got news this morning that both vacancies I had were filled, as of this morning. I didn't want to cancel on you last minute, but I want to be honest too". A small piece of me broke because I travelled across town for this and tried so hard to remain composed and looking confident and approachable. We spoke maybe a total of 10 min, ending with him saying "so if we ever get another vacancy we can get in touch again".

I tried to remain hopeful, because 2 hours later I had an intake call with a clinic for 'neurofeedback' and 'new therapies'. I received the call and as the minutes tick by, I get more and more disappointed. I tell the lady my story, and she goes on about breathing and meditation being important and that they 'may' help me with EMDR/cognitive behavioural therapy. I tell her, I've tried EMDR before, and CBT I'm doing now but I don't feel I'm getting anywhere. "Oh well maybe meditation and breathing exercises then?".

..... are you kidding me? The clinic charges an exorbitant fee each session, NOT covered by insurance at all, all to simply sit and breathe with them??

 

It was the last straw. I came home, broke down crying. I must however have caught a bad moment with my fiancé. For 2 minutes he was sympathetic, but then, imploded at me. Saying that "You've always been like this since I know you, you're never happy with anything, always depressed, playing the victim, TRY HARDER, if it was me I'd be sending job applications every minute of the day!!!". It was horrible, we argued for hours. In the end he said he didn't mean what he said and doesnt know how to help me.... but it broke me further anyways. I told him he wasn't being supportive. That I need just a bit of encouragement and support, of course I'm not waiting for life to happen to me but I'm just so TIRED all the time and discouraged and everything takes so much effort. He's so disconnected from me. I fear our relationship might be starting to be over....

I feel so hopeless and useless.

To add to that, I then wanted to go for a walk but it started raining cats and dogs.

 

I'm sitting here, swollen eyes, big headache, back and neck pain. Yes, I still have a home, and still employed. However I received an email from HR stating I have to, obligatory, have a meeting with the company doctor to assess if I'm able to work or not. It's happening on Thursday. I don't know what to do or say.

 

Everything is falling apart!!

[Rubied]

There was an explanation for the massive emotional moment last Monday: the very next day I woke up with a sore throat and headache, having caught a cold. My fiancé and I have since made up and made some adjustments to each other. Doesn't look grim anymore.

Work-wise: I have a bit more energy. I am not very productive, but I am making the effort to get social again and restarted looking for job positions. I'm thinking of applying for a position tomorrow, it might take months before I start (if I get the role!) so that's fine. Will start increasing my work hours from 20/week to 30, then 40 as per my contract, over the next 2 months, after my meeting with the company doctor.

 

News:

- I can now, since 3 days, listen to different types of music without having major emotional reactions

- I have stopped crying at random moments of the day, only if something specifically triggers a painful memory then I may tear up a bit but nothing more

- I signed up to the fancy gym and will start low and slow next week, with breathing and yoga classes, and swimming, later building up to the athletic level I used to be (next year perhaps)

- Suicidal and doom thoughts have pretty much gone the last 3 days!

- Today I went to my 1st acupuncture session. Among many things (I can describe how it was if anyone is interested), magnesium supplements were advised to me, which I've started taking today.

 

I'm not sure if this is a BIG window, but I'm just riding it right now. It feels good to feel a bit more normal.

[FireflyFyte]

On 9/21/2023 at 2:55 PM, Rubied said:

News:

- I can now, since 3 days, listen to different types of music without having major emotional reactions

- I have stopped crying at random moments of the day, only if something specifically triggers a painful memory then I may tear up a bit but nothing more

- I signed up to the fancy gym and will start low and slow next week, with breathing and yoga classes, and swimming, later building up to the athletic level I used to be (next year perhaps)

- Suicidal and doom thoughts have pretty much gone the last 3 days!

- Today I went to my 1st acupuncture session. Among many things (I can describe how it was if anyone is interested), magnesium supplements were advised to me, which I've started taking today.

 

I'm not sure if this is a BIG window, but I'm just riding it right now. It feels good to feel a bit more normal.

 

This is all good news. It seems like you are doing it already but it can be important to appreciate the moments where you are feeling good or at least more normal.

 

I hope that this window continues for you.

[Rubied]

Brace yourselves for an amazing update:

 

Holy **** I almost feel normal again. I read some of my older replies and even in this last month, the changes are HUGE. I don't remember having a 'crying session' in weeks now and when I wake up, it's no longer a doomy feeling, but lots of ideas and 'gosh I have to do this thing today' thoughts and just generally, getting on with my life. It's not perfect, I have had emotional outbursts out of nowhere and big arguments with my fiancé, but I think it's mostly hormonal and me adjusting to my 'usual old self' again. I am finding out and remembering that I can be a spontaneous and sometimes explosive person, not necessarily in a bad way, I just sometimes have a ton of energy and very strong opinions and passion about certain things. All of which was totally dumbed and numbed down the last years by the 'meds'.

 

I hope with all my heart that this is a 'permanent' improvement and not like the stories I read sometimes on this site, where people are way better and 'back to normal' for a few months and then suddenly they crash. That worry lingers in the back of my mind. But for now, this window is the longest yet and the best too. Also, sleep is mostly normal! I just dont sleep too great if the next day the stakes are high and I am super excited for something (like an interview) but these days are rare.

 

The last weeks, I have:

- Had multiple job interviews, much more promising and positive than the ones I described earlier (waiting for spme decisions currently)

- Listened to music almost daily and can REALLY enjoy it

- Go out to dinner and cinema with fiancé and actually have a good time

- Finally made plans for the future, as in months and a year from now! This wasn't possible before, I could barely plan my day even... now I'm planning my wedding!!!

- .... look forward to plans! This is a big one

- Stopped relying on 'external' things to feel good, such as acupuncture, talk therapy, expectations of other people - I just do it for myself instead

- Huge one: regained a lot of my self-confidence! I am worthy, I can do hard things, I will continue being kind to others and just filter out people who drain my energy, and, I deserve to be happy, with the additional thought that I have to find it myself, but I do have some support from friends and my fiancé!

 

That's it, folks. I hope this continues onwards and upwards. I think literally the only negative thing I have is some mild digestion issues (my guts are 'bubbling' all the time) which I never had before, but that's about it.

I am extremely thankful that my recovery seems to be quite fast. I hope I don't jinx it. But for now, life is starting to feel good again.

 

[FireflyFyte]

On 10/28/2023 at 4:48 AM, Rubied said:

That's it, folks. I hope this continues onwards and upwards. I think literally the only negative thing I have is some mild digestion issues (my guts are 'bubbling' all the time) which I never had before, but that's about it.

I am extremely thankful that my recovery seems to be quite fast. I hope I don't jinx it. But for now, life is starting to feel good again.

 

This is wonderful to hear, Rubied! I also hope that you continue to recover.

[Rubied]

It pains me to make this update, but I beg for some insight or support.

 

In the last 4 weeks, I have spiralled into the worst depression, anxiety and feeling that I want to rip myself out of my own existence, since i can remember. A few things triggered this: 

- all job applications rejected (still have 1 promising one left, but I'm not so hot about it)

- 1 week ago I was 'ambushed' by 2 of my managers and told I was put on a PIP (I had not received performance warnings and until now was regarded top performer, but they got wind I wanted to leave the team so this is retaliation,  also they did this to me a few hours before the team christmas dinner)

- I have no motivation or hobbies and my body reacts negatively to everything: pain, tiredness

- I am spending the first Christmas with my family without my dad and its excruciatingly difficult already, I've been here for just 4 days.

 

So, I despise my job, feel mentally physically terrible, have no meaning or joy in my life, life feels out of control and I feel despair, dread, insomnia creeping back, heart palpitations for weeks now, everything puts me on edge or makes me cry, crying easily and angry at everyone and everything and every day its getting exponentially worse!!! Lost weight, no appetite, analysis paralysis, hard to think, stressed about anything, intense loneliness feeling for no reason, overwhelming grief still after so many months.

 

I'm losing my mind, please someone, is this still from the drugs???

I'm not taking anything currently, sometimes some magnesium, other than that just teas, chamomile and valerian sometimes.

 

I have to stop myself from the urge of hitting myself in the head, from intense feelings and panic. My family doesn't understand me and don't know how to help and I don't know what I need or what to hold onto.

 

I look outside and I start crying because it's sunny and I could be outside smiling taking a walk or petting the dog and I'm wasting my life away stuck in my own body and mind, this is pure hell!!

[LotusRising]

Hi @Rubied

 

Is it possible that you're experiencing a normal reaction to everyday stressors? I think we are not immune to life events, and it's perfectly normal to feel this way at different periods in time. Of course, it may be magnified by a WD state, but perhaps try to look at it through a different lens.

 

Is there something you can do today to improve how you feel? You mentioned sunny days - could you go for a walk and work on gratitude for the experience of being able to walk outside and enjoy the sun on your face? Sometimes if we start with the little things, they start to add up to big things . . .

 

I also want to point out that you seemed in a very different headspace back at the end of October:

 

On 10/28/2023 at 2:48 AM, Rubied said:

Brace yourselves for an amazing update:

 

Holy **** I almost feel normal again. I read some of my older replies and even in this last month, the changes are HUGE. I don't remember having a 'crying session' in weeks now and when I wake up, it's no longer a doomy feeling, but lots of ideas and 'gosh I have to do this thing today' thoughts and just generally, getting on with my life. It's not perfect, I have had emotional outbursts out of nowhere and big arguments with my fiancé, but I think it's mostly hormonal and me adjusting to my 'usual old self' again. I am finding out and remembering that I can be a spontaneous and sometimes explosive person, not necessarily in a bad way, I just sometimes have a ton of energy and very strong opinions and passion about certain things. All of which was totally dumbed and numbed down the last years by the 'meds'.

 

Waves can still happen at this stage, but try to remember that they always pass 💖

[Rubied]

Hi @LotusRising and thanks for responding so quick 

 

yes it's possible...It's been a terrible year already by itself. One of the worst in my life. Dad dying, job changes, big changes, too much to write tbh

 

If this is a wave, I expected it to lessen in intensity over time, but this feels extremely worse than normal! I cannot verbalise it. I feel like a heroin addict scrambling for a fix and looking for any alleviation but it's not there! 

 

I feel out of character, out of control, panic mode since 7am, I leaped out of bed angry and frustrated with myself and the world and its 6pm and I haven't stopped crying!

I'm sorry I sound pathetic, I didn't eat at all today due to stress even, my confidence in life is CRUSHED.

 

I'm hiding in my room, it's freezing cold, I want everything to stop, my family is disgusted by me I think, I'm hiding like a coward 

[FireflyFyte]

On 12/16/2023 at 1:03 PM, Rubied said:

I feel out of character, out of control, panic mode since 7am, I leaped out of bed angry and frustrated with myself and the world and its 6pm and I haven't stopped crying!

I'm sorry I sound pathetic, I didn't eat at all today due to stress even, my confidence in life is CRUSHED.

 

You are not pathetic, you have been through a lot and it's only fair that you are struggling. I would recommend reading Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms to see if any of the techniques there can help lessen what you are experiencing.

[Rubied]

An absolute nightmare.

Horrific, uncontrollable mood swings. I'm sabotaging everything, seemingly unconsciously, but I don't know any more. I honestly don't know how much I've slept the last weeks and everything is starting to mush into the same day. Xmas was extremely tough. I guess I blew a fuse, yesterday amongst other things ended up exploding on my family, crying uncontrollably for hours on end. I've ruined Christmas. My fiancé and I have fought too. I don't know what on earth is happening.

I don't know what to 'do' with myself. The story is long and complicated, but currently I'm looking at probably having to leave my family's house and staying at some airbnb until January 2nd when I return to the Netherlands to go back to work.

When I was 'drugged', at least I could speak calmly and think kind of rationally. It's all out the window. I'm ashamed of myself and have an extremely hard time liking anything about myself at all. The meds really royally messed everything up, but I don't even know if I can blame it all on that any longer, it's been 5 months.

 

The past months, I have lost dad, failed at all my hobbies and spent a lot of money on a fancy course that didn't go well at all, unmedicated myself, failed every job interview, been berated at by current managers, and my fiancé doesn't want to be around me (he would rather spend time with friends, which is what he's done so far). The cherry on top: I have ruined xmas with my own family and they hate me.

During my crying/shouting spell yesterday I begged for help and support from them and basically got told I brought drama and misery to their lives. Maybe it's true....?

Maybe I really am broken since the start, which is why I started medications, and now I'm almost 30 and I have no friends or family or partner willing to support me any more?

 

I truly am on my own right now.

[FireflyFyte]

6 hours ago, Rubied said:

The meds really royally messed everything up, but I don't even know if I can blame it all on that any longer, it's been 5 months.

 

Withdrawals can last for months, if not years for some individuals and is knows as PAWS (Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) and you can read more about it at Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome).

 

6 hours ago, Rubied said:

I truly am on my own right now.

 

I am sorry that you don't have support from friends and family right now. There is community here and would encourage you to visit other members' threads and connect.

[Rubied]

Managed to have some more 'neutral' days meanwhile. Not horrid, but not good either, just getting through each day.

 

Back home now with fiancé, and just keeping afloat. Back to work, trying to not let them 'get to me'. Back to applying for new jobs. Just doing my best.

 

I'm really struggling with these insane mood swings and explosive outbursts (out of nowhere, and for no reason!). I know my life has been stressful for a long time, especially 2023.

At this point in time, I'm not sure if this has anything to do with withdrawals still, or just plain life stressors, or maybe a combo of both. I know I've already written this doubt multiple times.

I have decided to try something completely different, or at the very least, unconventional.

 

I've tried many things in my life, I wouldn't say 'everything', but 'conventional' things just never seemed to help me at all.

During Christmas I stumbled upon amanita muscariae. It's a long story. But I am planning on getting/making a tincture and microdosing it, in order to help my brain heal but mostly to help me figure out what pains me, stick a finger on it, make me aware and point me in the direction of self-healing. Because at this point, I have to finally start looking at the core issues, reasons for which I even started taking medications, and so forth. Not a 'solution' by all means, but a tool to help me look at the problem. How to solve it I will have to figure out later, but it at least has to be made clear.

In the meantime I have to fix my liver, as evidenced by my crazy adult acne, random intolerances to foods, pain in general liver area when pushing finger in abdomen, other symptoms too. I suspect a lifetime of pill-popping and standard diet has really put it into overdrive. My brother has almost fully healed all his allergies by fixing his liver. He took a bile-related supplement and after a while everything was gone. Just like that, after decades of raspberry-red allergies, scaling skin, swollen eyes and misery from itching.

Shilajit should also help in balancing out minerals. I've been taking magnesium, but taking one supplement isolated like that will just throw everything else off balance. I realise now how delicate the body can be, keeping everything in equilibrium, and we, unknowingly ignorant, mess about with all these lab made supplements and medications and voila - chaos.

Nature provides in the right amounts, and at the right times. These 3 supplements are natural. So it sits right with me and the idea is growing on me to try them. I won't know if I don't try, right?

 

I'm just experimenting. But will definitely do it in tiny baby steps. Hold, see what happens, and move on from there.

Hope to arrange these three supplements soon. Hard to find these kind of things.

[Rubied]

Since yesterday, big wave.

 

- Extreme rage out of nowhere

- Last night, tossed and turned for 4-5 hours with looping thoughts and background songs playing in my head over and over, but only from a certain verse, more doom looping thoughts over and over

- Emotional volatility

- Body pains from stress, feeling tense, muscles locked up

- Crying spells are back

- Strong headache which has already started 5 days ago but has been increasing in intensity each day, currently typing with one eye closed because screen is bright (even with brightness down)

- Very strange symptom during last night: random prickles and itching skin all over, face, legs, neck, scalp, everywhere for hours

 

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm getting quite freaked out, as I had seemed to be improving slowly with almost predictable waves and windows, but the last 4-5 weeks (it seems) things are slowly getting worse again. Is it possible that my waves are more intense and longer now? I thought it should be going in the opposite direction. I know every person is different but I have to admit I'm very anxious about this. Last night during tossing and turning it crossed my mind 'maybe I should go back on meds'. I won't, but this makes me very desperate.

I am like a ticking bomb, exploding at everything and anything, straining my relationship with my fiancé.

Yes i have things going on (searching for new job, getting married in September, still grieving dad (this is taking ages!!!) and still navigating living and trying to make friends in a different country), but it feels like I'm 'weaker' or more sensitive than the average person I know.

I know others have it worse, I shouldn't complain. But it's hard for me to explain the mental anguish, doom thoughts, feeling like the world is pressed on my shoulders pushing down into hell and I'm weakly trying to hold it all together. Constantly fighting back the ball in back of the throat and wanting to cry and fall apart over any little thing.

 

My amanita muscariae and milk thistle order are on their way. That's all I'm hanging onto right now, for possible improvements.

[Rubied]

Worsened symptoms.

 

Last night before bed, I took a hot bath with Dead Sea salts, tried to relax for a while. Before bed, I took a natural valerian root supplement and a passionflower with magnesium supplement.

To no avail:

- Tossing and turning for hours

- Intense pin-point itchy areas on my body, all over especially my face this time, but its not rashes, it feels like nerves deep in my skin just itching

- Body aches, very old injuries are very painful (my shoulder injury from climbing, 2 years ago)

- More doom looping thoughts with background music again, driving me insane

- Hyper arousal and hearing every single little noise, even with ear plugs in

 

Woke up very late, just before 1pm as I must have fallen asleep finally sometime in the morning. Lost most of my Sunday. I am afraid what this means for the work week, as I can't obviously stay in bed to catch up on sleep. Before anyone asks, my sleep hygiene is pristine: no technology in the bedroom, I have blue light filters set on everything in the evening, etc etc I won't even go into it, you name it I already do it.

 

The rest of today I've tried taking it easy, some cooking, a walk in the woods. But my body feels like it's on fire, I feel I have an anxiety hole in my chest and I've been dizzy and 'out of it' all day, as if I'm poisoned somehow.

 

Really trying to stay sane and not panic right now...

[Rubied]

Life is hell. Nothing helps.

[FireflyFyte]

On 1/14/2024 at 5:06 AM, Rubied said:

Life is hell. Nothing helps.

 

I am sorry that you are having a rough time at the moment. Do you have support outside of this website?

[Rubied]

Hi Firefly, I'm currently winging it mostly on my own, I have limited support from my fiancé but he's at his limits (something like caregiver's burnout, or similar at least) and I am giving him space to live his own life, we are OK essentially just mindful of our own energies. Sounds weird the way I put it, I have his support but not the way I would like or need (I'm quite 'crippled' at the moment).

 

Nights of hell continue, this mostly looks like this: going to bed around 10.30 or 11pm, then tossing and turning, with hot flashes, itchy skin pin points, body aches, doom looping thoughts and lately a lot of RAGE, for many hours, usually until 5.30 or 6am, when I finally fall asleep for a tiny bit and then have to be up around 7.30am for work.

I have recently a lot of body pain. All my old injuries hurt like hell, especially left shoulder blade area extending up to the neck and down to my little finger. All the big joints are painful: knees when standing up, my back from just walking, wrists too. Gut issues too, painful abdomen and inflammation after eating.

 

I have recently started a supplements program, for the past 3 days, will try for 1 month total:

- (14th Jan) Amanita muscaria tincture (40% alcohol content, unfortunately no info about ratio for mushroom grams), 10 drops in water each evening - goal: reduce anxiety and improve sleep

- (14th Jan) A fingernail amount of shilajit placed on roof of mouth to dissolve, each morning - goal: delicate ratio of minerals supplementation

- (16th Jan) 800mg TUDCA, 1 capsule taken at dinner, 1 capsule first thing in the morning - goal: help my liver perform better, improve nagging skin issues and overall wellbeing

Thinking how, or if, I will add milk thistle tincture supplementation too, as I am already taking TUDCA as of today. Will update accordingly.

 

Trying to hang on hour by hour, currently, trying to keep my job and trying not to further unwillingly destroy relationships. Extremely hard, walking a thin line with everything, doing my best but it doesn't seem enough.

 

[Rubied]

I've been holding off updating for some days because I simply could not believe it, but the past 4 nights I have slept GREAT.

I owe this to Amanita Muscaria microdosing. The first 3 nights it didn't help at all. Further reading told me that contrary to other substances, this one takes time to build up in the system. Many reports have people taking 2ml of this tincture, I've been playing it safe taking only 10 drops per evening. So I stuck with it, and faster than I expected, it seems to have started working.

 

Results so far: I fall asleep relatively quickly. 3 out of the 4 nights I slept like a log (I can't remember the last time this happened) and curiously, I've had the most intense, crazy, dreams that I actually recall in great detail. This is bizarre, quite unbelievable, and I can't believe I haven't come across this before. There is a lot of lore about this particular mushroom, having been used for centuries by different peoples for different rituals and so on. It has been completely demonized in our society, is very unknown for it's potential benefits. Yes yes yes it needs to be studied further, but I'm sure people can relate to the complete despair of not sleeping and other horrible long term side effects and the willingness to try anything that can help (bonus as its completely natural and found everywhere on this planet!).

 

A few days ago I also found myself feeling suddenly 'connected' to other beings around me, plants, trees, funghi, insects, whilst taking a walk in the forest. For years I've been plagued with feeling extremely isolated and lonely. A slight shift has happened where even though not surrounded by other humans, I am quite fine and content being by myself and feeling natures' presence around me.

After further reading I expect to also give this substance a break as over time, you need less and less of it, as it builds up. Quite amazing really.

 

I hope this isn't some coincidence. It's not a cure for anything. I still have to make myself do a lot of things, keep being physically active, keep thinking positive, and keep working towards small tiny goals. Sleeping normally helps a ton though. I am quite fine using amanita as a crutch for now. Nature provides when needed, it seems.

 

Don't feel much beneficial from the TUDCA or shilajit but perhaps thats already tying into the other positive experiences the last days, who knows.

 

I feel mentally stronger now when approaching my work situation too, not massively, but a tiny bit, which helps already. Day by day, easy baby steps. It's ok, whatever happens. I have a potential interview this week (awaiting confirmation) but I don't feel desperation as I did until now. "Everything comes in time to him who knows how to wait."

Really enjoying this very subtle altered state of mind and consciousness, perhaps tapping into some spirituality that I didn't know I was missing.

Slightly more clearer thoughts, calmer state of mind. Hope this continues so I can heal fully sometime.

 

Editing to add: still experiences lots of physicaly pain. Hasn't eased up at all. But one thing at a time, mentally things seem to have shifted, I'm positive about it.

Edited January 21 by Rubied
Forgot to add

[FireflyFyte]

On 1/21/2024 at 7:59 AM, Rubied said:

Editing to add: still experiences lots of physicaly pain. Hasn't eased up at all. But one thing at a time, mentally things seem to have shifted, I'm positive about it.

 

I am glad to hear that your mental symptoms have eased. Hopefully your physical ones will soon follow.

[Rubied]

Update due:

 

I was wrong.

Boy, was I wrong, to mess with mushrooms and other substances. Please take this as a lesson learned from me, and I am just only now recovering from what happened late January/February.

Mid-February, I took a slightly higher dose of amanita muscaria because there were a few days I couldn't sleep much. I thought it would be harmless. This is when hell started.

I woke up in the middle of the night, and proceeded for the next 3-4 days to vomit my guts out, lose liquids in all ways and be in constant excruciating physical pain. I poisoned myself. I had to be on a rehydration protocol, I lost a LOT of weight and was severely dehydrated. Something changed in my brain too.

I started getting paranoid, anxious. My fiancé and I had a vacation planned, we went, but my mental symptoms just got worse. I started stressing out about my new job starting (that I finally landed by the way), and then the last straw, my mom suddenly had a stroke and was/still is unable to walk herself and in rehab for many weeks now.

 

This was 2 days before my last vacation day and on the flight home something horrible started happening: I started freezing up. My limbs started getting stiff and I couldn't talk much. By the time I arrived home I was completely catatonic. A psychiatrist and doctor got sent to my house and they immediately sent me to a psych ward and put me on the highest doses of lorazepam I've ever been on (12mg daily for a full week), as well as back on Abilify, this time 10mg. This was beginning of March.

I left the ward 2 weeks later, still on 10mg Abilify and about 5 or 6mg lorazepam daily.

I was experiencing outer body sensations, was numbed out of my brain, at least not catatonic, but not myself, emaciated (still trying to gain weight) and I didn't recognize myself in any physical or emotional way.

 

I quit lorazepam with a too-fast taper about 2-3 weeks ago and for 6 full days experienced horrible withdrawals which thankfully subsided. I'm talking fever, night sweats, hand tremors, nausea, muscle and joint pain, INSOMNIA from hell, extreme restlessness (akathisia, which I blame Abilify). But I got off it. Still slightly restless in the morning, but manageable now.

I also started tapering down on Abilify, I am currently on 2mg for the next week, then cut down smaller and smaller, as is advised on this website.

I feel so much better since 2-3 days ago and for the first time in months I slept more than 7h, in a row, tonight.

 

However, I am faced with a diagnosis I never thought would be said to me, and with that comes a lot of decisions. I was told I am suffering from schizophrenia. So they want me to be on antipsychotics. I don't know if I accept this diagnosis even, as I feel what happened was just caused by extreme stress. I have been given Aktiprol 100mg to take, but I haven't taken it, as I'm still trying to come off abilify, and I don't think I will take it even, I'm not sure.

 

I don't know what's happening with me or how this big relapse even started.

I feel scared and alone and terrified it could happen again. The psych ward stay was horrific for many reasons.

I'm glad I'm not on lorazepam anymore, and close to zero with Abilify, but the future scares me. Do I really have an issue with reality....? Is my life now dictated by this and am I to take meds for the rest of my life.....? Can I manage by myself even?

 

Just thought I'd drop this update. Appreciate any feedback or advise, if thats even possible from this post.

 

[FireflyFyte]

I am sorry to read that you had such an adverse reaction to micro-dosing.

 

On 4/21/2024 at 1:20 AM, Rubied said:

I also started tapering down on Abilify, I am currently on 2mg for the next week, then cut down smaller and smaller, as is advised on this website.

 

Given all of the upheaval that you have experienced recently, I would recommend a long hold before you begin a slow taper especially as you work through whether or not you want to be medicated going forward.