Narcissus: just another Effexor story

[Narcissus]

Hello people.

 

The window that had opened up over the past month immediately closed after I accidentally took less than my usual dose of Effexor.  This was nearly two weeks ago and I've been in a very bad way since then.  A few days ago I grew desperate and went to see my acupuncturist only a few days after receiving a treatment.  By the end of the treatment I felt positively awful, and the past few days have been absolute hell.  My anxiety is soaring, I feel hot and restless, there's a feeling of intense empty space eating into my stomach.  My appetite is completely gone, I'm having to force feed myself throughout the day.  The timing of this is all is very unfortunate, I'd just gone on a few dates with a new girl before I screwed up my meds.  I had to keep missing dates and I kept nervously apologizing about my health.  Finally she got frustrated and insisted we be friends.  She wasn't the girl of my dreams, but there's something about withdrawal sabotaging me like this that I find very hard to accept.  

 

I got the sense that my acupuncturist was inserting more needles than usual, plus he did this odd thing where he scraped my spine with a quarter, which is supposed to have some kind of detoxing effect.  Whatever the treatment was, it seemed to have really backfired in combination with jumping down on the Effexor.

 

I really hope that this subsides soon, and that I find myself back on the track I was on a few weeks ago.  What a nightmare!  

[Altostrata]

Hang in there, N. This too shall pass.

[Narcissus]

Thank you Alto, things are better now, although I suspect they'll be bad again tomorrow.  It concerns me that these botched doses upset me so much, it makes me think tapering might be very difficult when I finally start.  A year and a half at 75 mgs, and I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for a taper.  A bit scary.

[mammaP]

I'm sorry you've been feeling bad Nar, and hope it passes soon.  Effexor is a

real nightmare but you will be able to start the taper eventually. I've been at

4 beads for a year now and still not ready to start tapering again. Tried to go

down to 3 but failed miserably and had to go back up to 4. It feels like I'll never

 get there either but we will, one day we will do it! 

 

Mamma hugs. x

[alex]

Hang in there, N. This too shall pass.

 

Ditto!!

[mlrp]

Hello, Narcissus,

 

I have been reading some (though not yet all) of your story. Just stopping by to wish you continued courage and strength for the journey. I feel for you, truly.

 

Love and light.

[Narcissus]

Thank you mammaP,  Effexor is indeed a nightmare.  Thanks for dropping in Alex, and I appreciate the strength and courage, mlrp, although I'm not sure that it's completely reached me.

 

I've been in a bad hole for five or six days now.  There is a constant feeling of pressure and agitation, I find it there when I wake up and it persists all day until I fall asleep.  In addition to this there are episodes of bodily strain and crushing anxiety that occur throughout the day.  

 

My thoughts are very dark, despairing and self-critical, there's almost no respite from them.  All of this after having felt the best I've felt in a year and a half.  I don't know how long this will go on for, but I really hope that it ends soon.  

 

Today was a little less physically terrible than the previous few days, but there's a feeling of intense hopelessness that seems new.  Writing this is very difficult.

 

Nasty, nasty, nasty.  I hope you're all in better shape than I am at the moment.

[areyouthere]

Thinking of you narcissus. Please hang in there and know there are people who are pulling for you. Don't know what else to say. Hugs. RU

 

 

[Petunia]

This is just a wave Nar, you are recovering, focus on this:

 

..... felt the best I've felt in a year and a half.

 

Once this wave passes, you will be heading towards another open window, and then another.

[Rhiannon]

What Petu said.

 

From my vantage point it's easier to see, I know. I am so encouraged that you finally had a good spell. I've watched a lot of people go through this process and those long-awaited good spells are a very good sign for future healing. Unfortunately they are typically followed by bad spells, but still they seem to signal a shift which (much too slowly) does lead to gradual improvement.

[mammaP]

Thinking about you Nar, hope this wave passes very soon.  This will pass like all the others

Squishy Mamma hugs x

[Narcissus]

Thank you guys, it's wonderful to hear from you as always.

 

Still in the pits at the moment. I had a horrific episode today, worse than anything I've experienced in months. I had a friend looking after me throughout the day, it would have been nearly unbearable on my own.

 

I continue to be struck by the horror of these episodes, and my complete inability to get any kind of distance from them. There's simply no way of making these things "okay", no way of reassuring myself when they're in full swing.

 

I've had to quit exercising again and I'm nervous about going back to acupuncture after that last treatment. I wonder if after my botched Effexor dose my cns became hypersensitive again, and the acupuncture tipped the scale. The flare up started just at the end of the session, I'm sure that's no coincidence.

 

As usual, I'm just going to have to ride this one out.

 

Hope you're all in better places!

[Lexy]

Nar

So sorry to hear. I am in the same way.

I'm posting from iPhone, not able to see your signature. Are you tapering?

I hope you get out of this hole fast.

[alex]

I am sorry for you Nar.

I really don't know what advice to give you, because my experience is different from yours.

I took my last dose of Effexor 22 months ago, and never reinstated, so I don't know how it works when you reinstate.

What I know is that for many many months I thought I was gonna die....

Things have gotten a lot better now.

 

Hang in there my good friend.

[mammaP]

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so bad Nar and glad you have a friend who can support you.

Sending Mamma hugs because it's all I can offer but they are heartfelt hugs. 

[Petunia]

I just read through your thread from the beginning and now I'm wishing there was something I could do to make this better for you, this has been going on such a long time. I love the unique descriptive way you write about your experiences, at times, your thread reads like a well written novel and I found myself carried away into the experiences you described, even if they were unpleasant.  I guess its helps that I can completely relate to much of it myself.

 

I didn't realize you had been medicated from age 16, your signature only lists your experience with effexor from 2012.  This offers no comfort, but it does suggest a reason why stabilization at 75mg is so challenging.  But by reading through your thread, its easy to see that you are improving, in spite of some brutal waves which often seem to hit in response to some kind of stress, change or mistake.

 

Its interesting that last November, you predicted that you would need another year before you are free from waves and I think you meant ready to begin tapering again:

 

If I had to guess I'd say that it'll be another year before I'm really back to normal or close to normal.  I would've had a very hard time accepting this kind of time frame several months ago. By and large I think I've come to terms with being sick for the moment, even if I still struggle with it when things get bad.  

 

 

Perhaps when you are ready to start tapering again, you might consider a micro taper over several years. I believe that you can do it and fully recover, with enough time and patience because you are young with a lot of healing capacity and neuro-placticity.

 

I've had to quit exercising again and I'm nervous about going back to acupuncture after that last treatment. I wonder if after my botched Effexor dose my cns became hypersensitive again, and the acupuncture tipped the scale. The flare up started just at the end of the session, I'm sure that's no coincidence.

 

Like I mentioned above, this current wave is probably a reaction to the dose mistake.  I think its a good idea to take a break from the acupuncture and exercise until you settle down again.  From reading articles from Beyond Meds and some of GiaK's posts, I'm starting to understand why so many people, including myself, seem to get some initial benefit from various treatments and supplements, but then they stop working or start to cause increased symptoms.  I'm thinking its because these more natural treatments do actually work to cure or heal something, and then they are no longer needed at that point.  Maybe later, they could be useful again, but if healing happens in stages and cycles, then perhaps we only need certain treatments to support some stages of the healing process.  GiaK explained this much better than me in one of her blog posts.

 

I'm so glad you had a friend there to help you through this wave, I hope it passes soon.

 

(hugs)

[Lexy]

How are you today?

[Narcissus]

Thanks alex for stopping in, and I always appreciate your squishy hugs, mammaP.

 

Lexy, I'm hanging in there, thanks for asking.  I feel overheated and anxious in the mornings, like I'm catching the trailing end of a nightmare.  This feeling persists but I'm able to get used to it and sort of force it into the background.  The real hell starts in the afternoon with waves of terrible panic.  These have gone on daily for nearly two weeks now, which seems to be far more regular than usual.  

 

Petu, I really appreciate you reading through my thread, I'm glad you're able to enjoy some of the descriptions.  If we can't have health, we can at least have style!

 

I think you're right, the microtaper will be the best option for me.  

 

 

 

 I'm thinking its because these more natural treatments do actually work to cure or heal something, and then they are no longer needed at that point.  Maybe later, they could be useful again, but if healing happens in stages and cycles, then perhaps we only need certain treatments to support some stages of the healing process.  

 

Yes, I think this must be the case.  The acupuncture seems to be most helpful when there's a fair amount of time between the treatments.  It's just so hard not to seize onto something once it provides some relief.  Do you know which blog post it is where GiaK talks about this?

 

How are you doing Petu?  You feel a bit like a withdrawal companion, I have this strange feeling that wherever you're at has some bearing on my own recovery.  Odd, but nice too.

[Altostrata]

N, since your afternoon symptoms are so regular, you might try changing something you do regularly in the morning. You may be having a reaction to something you're eating or even soap you're using. Change one thing at a time and see if it helps.

 

Are the afternoons very hot lately?

[Narcissus]

Interesting, Alto.  I don't do much in the morning, generally I don't even shower until later.  I do usually get coffee, but I've avoided that for the past few days and have felt some improvement.  I have noticed that not eating is sometimes a trigger for me, I should probably make more of an effort to eat in the morning.  It's difficult because my appetite has been greatly diminished since the acupuncture treatment (this is the second treatment that has dramatically curbed my appetite).

 

Yes, the afternoons are getting pretty hot as we push into summer.  I'd wondered if that might be exacerbating things.

 

Do we think that these waves bring new sensitivities we may not normally have during calmer stages of withdrawal?  Is it possible, for instance, that in a wave I can't manage coffee while outside of one I do fine with it?  This seems to be the case with exercise.

 

Thanks for dropping in, I hope that you're doing well.

[Petunia]

The acupuncture seems to be most helpful when there's a fair amount of time between the treatments.  It's just so hard not to seize onto something once it provides some relief.  Do you know which blog post it is where GiaK talks about this?

 

How are you doing Petu? 

 

Here it is:  http://beyondmeds.com/2014/05/13/lab-work-proves/

 

I've been doing slightly better these last 3 days, after the horrendous mornings subside that is.  Thanks for asking.

[Narcissus]

Things are very, very rough. Panic, despair, head aches, a whole slew of druggy/intoxicated feelings, plus I seem to have hurt my back. Over two weeks in the hole and I don't seem to be getting out of it. Every day is a physical and psychological nightmare, I reach the end feeling like I've barely survived, only to wake up in the wringer again in the morning. There's a little relief late at night, I try to cherish it. Christ, this wave needs to break soon!

[Narcissus]

Things continue to be very dark.  Suicidal images appear during the worst of it, when my minds really scrambling for a way out.  Nothing I'd follow through on, but the thoughts themselves are frightening.

 

All the old symptoms have reappeared by now, the whole gang.  My injured back seems to be making things worse.  Saw the chiropractor today, have a few more treatments scheduled.  

 

These posts are tiring, they're so negative, so single-note.  But things are bad, I'm not sure I can do much except acknowledge how bad they are.  

[Muddles]

Not posted on your thread before but feel I need to.

 

I'm sorry for your suffering, you're certainly not getting much of a break from this. The suicidal images and scrambled thoughts are rotten..I'm struggling the with the same damn things.

All you can do is hold on and wait for that window. It will come, I'm sure.

 

Hugs and thoughts to you.

[bubble]

Dear Nar,

 

thanks for sharing these dark moments. I think we all struggle with coming forth with something that is not positive but I think acknowledging it, as you say, is not only important for the person suffering but it always helps the ones it is shared with. I always feel honoured to be trusted and it encourages me to be more accepting of my own darkness.

 

I read from people that waves, just as bad cramps, are at their worst just before they retreat. So I really hope this will be the case for you now. 

 

hugs, 

bubble

[Narcissus]

Muddles, thanks for dropping in.  It's nice to know I'm not alone with all these things.  I hope you're feeling some relief.

 

Thanks for your kind words Bubble.  

 

My back is in very bad shape and I'm not really able to walk, the pain is obviously coloring my current wave in various ways.  Still, I shared some good company tonight and had a few good laughs, the back pain is really nothing compared to withdrawal.  I have to assume some pretty ridiculous poses to keep it from hurting, it's actually kind of funny.

 

I know things will look very grim when I wake up tomorrow, but for now I feel a small splash of acceptance.  

 

Hope everyone's night is going okay.  

[Lexy]

Narcissus

I regrettably know what you are going through.

Just know you are not alone in this.

[Narcissus]

Hello all.

 

Things have settled down a bit over the past few days.  I'm still not in a great spot, especially compared to where I was a month ago, but the waves of terror/adrenaline have largely subsided. I keep a calendar on my wall where I track some of my symptoms, I rate each day on a 1 to 10 scale, and waves of panic are given a X through XXX rating (XXX being almost unbearable).  There are XXX on nearly every day for the past three weeks!  This is one of the worst waves I've had yet, I've been very shaken by it.  Parts of it were so hellish and dark that it's hard to imagine I pushed through it.  Suicide crossed my mind many, many times.

There's no doubt about it, the botched dose of Effexor abruptly closed my last window and started this wave, and then my next acupuncture treatment a few days later (which included a new detoxing practice) pushed me over the edge (by the end of the treatment I was in tears, something felt very, very wrong).  

 

During this period I've noticed I have a very heightened sensitivity to sugar.  I've been drinking a lot of water and urinating very frequently.  I've also hurt my back, gotten some sort of eye infection and developed a cough all in the course of a month!  My body has quite clearly been thrown for a loop.  I'm just waiting it out now, waiting for the storm to calm.  I miss the clarity of last month, and being able to exercise.  It's very frustrating to be so sick again after feeling almost normal.

 

Part of me wants to return to my acupuncturist (he's usually helpful), but another part of me fears to.  Maybe I should wait a while before heading back.  

 

I think I'm going to try to be less anxious/stressed about withdrawal, as it seems to make things worse.  Not an easy task so far.

[Narcissus]

On a good note, I'm reading a very interesting book called "The Alchemy of Illness".  The author writes about her experience with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which sounds quite a bit like withdrawal in many ways.  Anyway, she makes a very compelling case for illness being a meaningful and transformative experience, I'm more persuaded by her than I have been by others.  If you enjoy a literary/philosophical approach, and don't mind some flowery language, I highly recommend it.  

[Lexy]

You will ride this out.  You have been there before and will come out of this again!

[Petunia]

Thank you for the book recommendation Nar, I will check it out.  I'm all for trying to squeeze some lemonade out of this particular lemon.

[Narcissus]

A bitter lemon it is!

[Jemima]

So good to hear from you again, Nar, although I'm sorry the news is--temporarily--bad.  I always found that my worst waves resulted in a leap forward when they were over, although they certainly seemed interminable until they were over.  May it be so for you.

 

I hope I've given you something to hang onto and that we'll be getting good news soon.

[Lexy]

How are you Nar?

 

I posting from my phone, not able to see your sig line...are you currently tapering effexor?

I'm at 40mg and am in a depressive state, please any help??

I don't know how long this will go on. It's been a month.

I remember reading some of your thread and how difficult it's been for you.

[tezza]

Hi Nar,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your back. I can definitely understand... Withdrawal is worse, mental anguish hurts more to me than physical pain, even when physical pain is bad. It seems to me that my physical pain is worse when I'm in distress mentally.

 

Hugs and healing!

 

Love Tezza

[Narcissus]

Hello all, it's been a while since I've checked in here.

Looking back at my post from six months ago it's obvious that things have improved a great deal.  For the most part the past few months have been smooth-going.  While the flu-like symptoms linger on, I've had much more energy than I've had in previous phases of withdrawal.  If I exert myself too much, sleep irregularly or botch my Effexor dose somehow the more aggressive symptoms return.  But so long as I'm able to keep a kind of equilibrium I feel okay, not quite normal, but pretty good.  I went to Vietnam a few weeks ago and the 12 hour time difference upset my body quite a bit.  Every day brought a few hours of bodily/tension and incoherent, feverish anxiety.  This was difficult, but it also reminded me that these episodes are for the most part no longer part of my withdrawal experience.  And boy am I glad. 

 

I returned from my trip a few weeks ago, and as I was beginning to recover my sleep schedule I accidentally doubled dosed on my Effexor.  This is day two after the double dose, and while I do feel quite ill and disoriented, the reaction so far does not seem to be as bad as it's been in the past.  So, while things may be hard for a while, I do feel reassured. 

 

Having experienced some relief recently, I've begun to think about tapering.  I haven't formed any plans to start a taper, but I do feel like I'm edging closer to it.  I've been so debilitated that I haven't been able to think of tapering as anything more than an abstract event looming in some far off future.  But I'm beginning to anticipate it and feel the difficulties that are in store for me.

These missed/botched doses remind me that I'm still fiercely dependent on this stuff, and that I eventually do need to start the slow process of getting it out of my system.

 

Anyway, that's all for now.  Wish me luck with this latest wave, I'm hoping it won't be too serious of a setback.  Hope you all are seeing improvements.