E123: Life after long term SSRI use

[E123]

Hello,

I am looking for information or others experience of life after long term SSRI use.  I was on SSRIs for 38 years and have been completely off for 9 months. I started as a teenager and am 58 yo now so not sure what normal is supposed to look like.  Though I do not feel depressed, I am still unable to sleep and have had to resort to medication for this.  The other experience I have is apathy.  I find myself caring about very little.  The things I loved before I have no attachment to now. It is a very strange existential space.  Wondering if others have had this experience and if it ever changes over time. Thank you.

[Emonda]

Welcome @E123,

 

So the moderators can best help you, please complete your drug signature by following these instructions. Adding a signature ensures your drug history appears at the bottom of every post, making it more efficient for those trying to assist. 

 

17 hours ago, E123 said:

so not sure what normal is supposed to look like.

 

I reckon normal may be a little different for all of us 🙂

 

17 hours ago, E123 said:

Though I do not feel depressed, I am still unable to sleep and have had to resort to medication for this.

 

Sleep issues can be quite common for those who are tapering/have recently tapered their AD. When you say you are taking medication, it will be important to add that to your drug signature. Some people find Melatonin for sleep helpful.

 

17 hours ago, E123 said:

The other experience I have is apathy.  I find myself caring about very little.  The things I loved before I have no attachment to now. It is a very strange existential space. 

 

There are a few WD symptoms you may still be experiencing: Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

17 hours ago, E123 said:

Wondering if others have had this experience and if it ever changes over time.

 

Have you had a read of the success stories? You can use the search function to find people that have successfully tapered from your AD.

 

This is your own Introduction topic.  Each member has only ONE Introduction topic.  Your own Introduction topic is the best place to ask questions and the place to journal your progress.  This keeps your history in one place and means you do not have to repeat your story. 

 

Once again, welcome to S.A...and please remember your drug signature.

 

Emonda

 

 

 

 

 

[Gonzo]

I'm always surprised when doctors are okay with people taking these drugs for so long, for them it's just "medicine" just like there is medicine for diabetes so it's completely justified.

 

Truth is most SSRI studies don't even last a year.

 

These experiences you described so far are normal, the more and better you describe your experiences after quitting the more people will be able to understand you, validate you and help you going through all this.

 

I hope you live a better life from now on.

 

IMO, now a new and better life could start for you. The emotions that you feel or don't, such as sadness or passion, they should come back with time.

[LukeUK]

37 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Truth easy most SSRI studies don't even last a year.

 

They often last a few weeks and have numerous other flaws.

 

 

18 hours ago, E123 said:

Hello,

I am looking for information or others experience of life after long term SSRI use.  I was on SSRIs for 38 years and have been completely off for 9 months. I started as a teenager and am 58 yo now so not sure what normal is supposed to look like.  Though I do not feel depressed, I am still unable to sleep and have had to resort to medication for this.  The other experience I have is apathy.  I find myself caring about very little.  The things I loved before I have no attachment to now. It is a very strange existential space.  Wondering if others have had this experience and if it ever changes over time. Thank you.

 

For 9 months off after 38 years it could be a lot worse, I would say. Well done on coming off.

 

It may take quite some time but I would expect the anhedonia to gradually improve. If you're able to function, doing relaxing but enjoyable things like walking in nature, even if you don't enjoy it might be beneficial over time. It is a case of carrying on and hoping that in another 3 or 6 months you have less apathy than you do now. It can take your body a lot of time to undo the changes made by psychiatric drugs.

 

[E123]

Hello, I went through this terrifying experience where I had a sudden onset of depression and anxiety so severe I was barely able to function.  The best analogy I have is that it was like a light dimmer switch that went dark. After about a week in this, it became so severe that I began to contemplate my life and wondering if I needed to be in the hospital to keep safe.  Keep in mind I have never, in almost 60 years, been in the hospital or had something like this happen to me.  I panicked and reached out to my Dr. thinking I needed to reinstate the meds in order to save my only life. After about 3 weeks, the depression spontaneously resolved much in the same way it came on; as if the dimmer switch went the other way.  What made this even more odd is that I was like an observer watching this happen to me with a complete inability to do anything about it or change it.  My understanding is that reinstating the meds may do more harm than good so am continuing to hang in there without going there. 

Wondering if others have had this experience and if so how have you addressed it?

Thank you

E

[Emonda]

@E123

This is your post, and you can update it here.

 

Regards, Emonda

[Ariel]

@E123

 

On 8/6/2024 at 5:46 PM, E123 said:

Hello, I went through this terrifying experience where I had a sudden onset of depression and anxiety so severe I was barely able to function.  The best analogy I have is that it was like a light dimmer switch that went dark. After about a week in this, it became so severe that I began to contemplate my life and wondering if I needed to be in the hospital to keep safe.  Keep in mind I have never, in almost 60 years, been in the hospital or had something like this happen to me.  I panicked and reached out to my Dr. thinking I needed to reinstate the meds in order to save my only life. After about 3 weeks, the depression spontaneously resolved much in the same way it came on; as if the dimmer switch went the other way.  What made this even more odd is that I was like an observer watching this happen to me with a complete inability to do anything about it or change it.  My understanding is that reinstating the meds may do more harm than good so am continuing to hang in there without going there. 

Wondering if others have had this experience and if so how have you addressed it?

 

What you're describing is a wave, part of the Waves and Windows pattern of healing.

 

Withdrawal symptoms come and go in "waves" that wash over us and then subside. These fluctuations can range in intensity and duration. They are often unpredictable and can be challenging to go through.

 

That being said, symptoms and waves are signs of the body doing its healing work and not to be feared. One of our tasks in WD is to learn how to accept and endure the waves as best we can and not react to them by seeking false "solutions" such as additional drugs, treatments, hospitalizations, etc., which tend to only complicate and worse things in the long run. If we leave well enough alone, waves arrive and subside all on their own, precisely as you have experienced.

 

Practicing non-drug coping techniques can help us navigate the waves as they ebb and flow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[E123]

Thank you for your response. Was the first time that particular symptom had happened to me. 

[E123]

Hello,

Hopefully this is the right topic to put this under. I apologize if this is already a thread but this is the only way I can figure out how to post anything regarding support.

 

I am curious where others are at with this but one of the big insult to injury distress places for me is the inability to forgive myself for making the decision to go off the meds. Without getting into the story around it, I made the decision based on what I knew at the time. Not that life was rainbows and unicorns before, it was better than this. My psychiatrist, who had been prescribing me the meds, didn't seem to think it was a big deal and barely participated in the process with me so I had no reason to think it was a big deal either. I was aware that I had been on them a long time so took my time (2.5 years) to taper off, pretty much left to my own devices.  Based on the information I was working with, I also made choices in collaboration with other physicians (after dumping my psychiatrist who did not buy the fact that I was in withdrawal) who claimed experience with this to try to get a handle on the symptoms that showed up within 48 hours of stopping that I cannot talk about on this or any forum which adds a layer of shame and loneliness to my thinking.

 

That said, I can't get past the thoughts that I ruined my life, given my age and lack of longevity in my family, the feeling that I ruined what is left of my life. I am so angry with myself. I am a shell of what I was before this. Always struggling to manage symptoms ("doing nothing" is not an MO of mine) as I am terrified of losing my job and lively hood. Have already had to let a lot of things that used to be important to me and loved  to just have the bandwith to keep my job and some sort of routine.

 

I know that I need to forgive myself and accept what is today, but this concept and given what has happened, is easier said than done. Intellectually it sounds good but when ones thinking is no longer on point and emotions and anxiety seem to take on a life of their own it is tough to to there as the self deprication goes deeper and deeper.  The inability to cry (one of the symptoms) and total emotional bluntng keeps me from even having any kind of cathartic release or grief process around this as well sometimes feeling like I will explode. Definitely on my list of terrible decisions in life that I cannot walk backward.

 

 

[Emonda]

Dear E123,

I've moved your new post back here for the time being.

 

1 hour ago, E123 said:

the inability to forgive myself for making the decision to go off the meds.

 

Yes, we've all been there.

 

 

1 hour ago, E123 said:

I can't get past the thoughts that I ruined my life

 

Not at all! I've been in some pretty dark places, but with time and patience and following what I have learnt on this site, things have improved greatly. I still have very low periods or depression and anxiety, but I know it's temporary and that things will improve with time. Things will improve for you, too.

 

I find reading this link beneficial at times: Emotional Spirals

 

1 hour ago, E123 said:

I know that I need to forgive myself and accept what is today, but this concept and given what has happened, is easier said than done

 

We accept, learn from the past and move forward.

 

Doctors put us in this position; we took their professional advice. You are not to blame.

 

Have a read of some of the success stories. That's what I do when I need a boost.

 

Warm wishes, Emonda

 

[E123]

Just wondering how others deal with having no feelings.  I live alone and am used to a pretty lonely existence however this takes it to a whole new level.  Without feelings it is impossible to connect with others. Trying to do activities anyway feels empty and completely unsatisfying as it is impossible to find interest let alone any type of enjoyment. Was going to take myself to a music thing in the park one afternoon but didn't bother because I would just be sitting there alone not feeling anything about it. Taking myself out to dinner or something as simple as that doesn't happen because I don't even have a feeling about what I would want to eat and therefore can't even make a decision about it. Then again I would sit there alone not feeling anything about it.

 

It is like not even being a person. Isn't the ability to feel what makes us human?  Even feeling sad about that fact that my life has been destroyed is a bit elusive. I want to do things so I am more distracted from all this and less isolated but don't know how to engage in that when you feel nothing about it. I try to fake it but that takes a lot of work and energy for yet another unsatisfying experience or interaction. This type of isolation literally and existentially makes the whole withdrawal thing that much harder to bear. I always hear especially on this forum it gets better but then you hear people 5 years and more who are still suffering including with this which is not very encouraging to me at least. I don't know how to live like this nor can I imagine living like this over time. Makes everything so much worse. If going back on the meds would give me even only this part of myself back I would stay on them until death do us part.

 

 

[E123]

I have been off the antidepressant for more than a year and still experience emotional numbness. Beginning to wonder if this is still related to withdrawal or if I really do have some sort of underlying depressive condition.  Any thoughts on how one tells the difference? I don't really have a reason to be depressed (outside of this whole withdrawal thing)...... I feel distressed but not particularly depressed. Starting to second guess everything. Not sure how to do life when the only thing I feel is anxiety. Do others get to this point where things go on long enough that you are not sure what is what anymore? Wondering about medication reinstatement as I don't want to live like a zombie or if it would even address this.  Did not experience this to this extent while on the meds and they put me on them so long ago that I don't remember how I was then. Really struggle to find informed outside help with any of this as I have called countless clinics and clinicians only to be turned down or get no answer back. 

[E123]

Not sure if I in the right place for this but I don't seem to be able to get any information on this one despite reaching out to multiple MDs.

I am in protracted withdrawal off for more than a year.  I need to have a surgery on my back and was trying to figure out if there is anything I need to let the anesthesiologist know. worried this will mess me up more but have put it off for 2 years trying to get my insurance to approve a less invasive procedure. After 6 denials I have to go ahead and do the open surgery as without this it adds an extra whammy to poor quality of life and the things I can do to manage my symptoms. Please let me know if anyone has experience with this.

Thank you

[Gonzo]

IMO to know if it's just withdrawal symptoms or not you should look for traumatic events in your life specially early in life and reasons behind why you start taking AD, what was happening back then, etc. These drugs just bury things then we forget about them.