☼ Miami1 Stabilizing on mirtazapine

[Muddles]

It's an awful drug. Wish I could go back and never have even touched the damn stuff.

 

My friends mother took it for four years and stopped cold turkey with no problems. Don't understand that at all.

 

Hope you have better days soon.

[Miami1]

Thx S. I wish you relief as well. It's crazy I get one entire day and night of anxiety insanity for 18 hrs then don't sleep but 3-4 hrs sometimes less then following day things mellow out low anxiety feeling better sleep well, following day starts all over again.

Good luck too you!!!!

[chicken]

Miami,

I know this may not sound good but look at this way. At least it is not constant everyday. You are getting some relief in between. So see that as a good thing.

[Petunia]

 At least it is not constant everyday. You are getting some relief in between. So see that as a good thing.

 

Its not only good, but an indication that healing is happening.  The better times slowly increase as symptoms decrease.  That's why its a good idea to keep notes, so you can look back and see the improvement.

[Miami1]

Day 33 off remeron

 

Yesterday's depression has followed me into today. Feel like sx are getting worst.

All symptoms psych sx no physical.

Encouragement welcomed

Miami

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Well, all I can say is hang in there, it does get better. It just takes a very long time. My memories of coming off the drugs almost 2 years ago, I was in pretty bad shape for about 4 months but knew nothing of this site and the possibility of reinstatement. I got a little better then DP/DR hit around 6 months and then got better. I thought I was ok last summer and fall but I was slowly decompensating until I hit protracted wd last Nov. My sleep has gotten better in the last month, I can fall asleep around 10 and tho I wake a few times in the night, I am able to stay in bed till 6:30 and am feeling a little more rested. I am, however, going through a crushing depression with suicidal thoughts right now. But no amount of persuasion will get me back on the drugs.

 

Your attempt at reinstatement was not successful, nothing to be done about that. But you will eventually get better, I and many others are proof of that. It won't always feel this bad. As you have already seen, not all days are equally bad so take heart in that. I will remind you, however, that I am pretty sure that the vistaril my doc encouraged me to take last fall was likely instrumental in throwing me over the edge. In the long run, more drugs just don't work.

 

I hope you feel better soon, miami. It is terrible to read of your suffering. None of us deserve this.

[Miami1]

Thx CW I hope you get past the depression soon! Does it hang for awhile or just roll in & out?

If I'm not dealing with anxiety I'm battling depression. My Depression history, the only history due to WD has been twice a week lasting 12-16 hrs. For the first time it followed me into next day lasting over 24hrs.

 

What happened with the vistiril ?

Miami

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

See, if you ask me I have felt depressed my whole life so I tend not to see things in short time frames such as hours or days. What I am going through right now is a constant feeling of inner tension which manifests as thoughts of wanting to die because I fear the feeling will always be like this. I am constantly getting into fights with my mother and can find no relief.

 

I think the basic problem is the thought that medicine and pharma has given all of us is that there is a pill that will fix all of this if we can just find the right one. That's supposedly what the gene testing told you so you think there should be some better pill to 'fix' you. Well, I think the pills seem to fix us for a time but do so by breaking other things. I seem to remember something about ADs and antihistamines being sort of related. Vistaril is a prescription antihistamine. It can't fix your sleep and the effects of the mirt you were taking and it may cause problems for you. In my case, I was taking it to relieve the swelling in my eye and also for anxiety and doing so flipped me into a protracted wd which is only slowly resolving over 6 months later. Sleep is getting better but mood is broken. I have gotten to the place where I am firmly convinced that no pill will ever fix me again, they didn't change anything and made me worse. You can't go around drinking a gallon of diet soda every day and consuming sugar all of the time and gaining 50 lbs and compulsively shopping and keep going like that and expect things to be all right. It just doesn't work like that. So I'm off the drugs for good, I even stay away from advil now.

 

You just keep posting your concerns here and we will keep supporting you. Over time, all of this gets better. How long it takes for each of us, no one knows. If you believe it will be better at 3 months then it will be. All I know is that people who keep trying to change their meds and dosages don't seem to do as well as those who don't. You just have to hang in there as best you can. If you ever do try to reinstate you would do well to do exactly as you are told, not what you think you want to do. and just wait a long time. But ultimately, whatever you do is your choice. The board is run by volunteers, not people with medical degrees. They just know what has worked the best for those that have been helped in the past and from their own experiences.

[Miami1]

Thk u CW . It's awful what your going through .

I'm feeling that inner tension every day now. Why is it getting worse for me instead of leveling out?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I don't know, miami. I really don't. In my case, it is in my head and it is really bad. The thoughts just keep snowballing and I am crying nearly continuously and it is not bringing any relief. I went through this some months ago and it did get better. I don't really know if it is something everyone else goes through, not too many people have mentioned it. It is different from then for me because a lot of what I went through was physical, now it all seems to be emotional, not physical. I can see that I am torturing myself with my thoughts but seem to be powerless to stop it. I am stuck in my house and can't seem to move. It is a repeat of all of the times I looked at myself in the past and with what I was told, I decided I was depressed and went and got meds because I couldn't bring myself out of it and I needed to work to support myself. At the moment I don't have to work yet I am frantic thinking that some time in the future I will have to and I don't think I can.

 

Miami, yours is a different situation and you can't measure your experience with mine. Because of my past history right now I cannot see myself as ever being a productive member of society though I was capable and competent in the past. You have just recently come off meds so you have a lot of physical stuff going on at the moment. I am getting enough sleep and do feel a lot more rested than I did months ago. I just don't like myself and am feeling the sting and regret of every unkind thing I have ever done in my life. My mother in turns has been kind and loving yet still pointing out to me what I have done wrong and it is adding to my misery.

 

The only thing I can say is what everyone else has been saying, you have to wait it out and take care of yourself. Make sure you eat every few hours, you'd be surprised what good that does. I eat some fruit and veggies every day and a lot of nuts. Just the slight feeling of hunger can be enough to set off another wave of upset for me. And I am still getting outside for a walk every day as hard as it is. And keep posting here, I and everyone else will do the best we can to reassure you so you don't feel like you are alone. There are enough people who have gone through these terrible times who come back and say it does get better. It is just that no one can say when.

 

After I posted the above, I went to search for another member who had been posting a lot some time ago and I now see was going through the same kind of mental torture as I am. I found this thread and though I read it a long time ago, I am going to read it again as it may give me and perhaps you some hope for the future.

[Miami1]

CW I'm so sorry your having such a horrific time. Thank you for your support I will pray for you tonight.

[Hopefull]

Hi  Miamai,

 

Can you please let me know if you have experienced over excitement while on this drug? I think that is happening with me. As I mentioned previously I get surge of adrenaline pins and needles at the back of my head and hotness in the chest.  This scares me so much. Sorry to keep asking, but I just want to know if anyone out there has experienced this while taking mirtz. I just don't understand what is happening to me. Thank you.

[Miami1]

Sorry hopeful been off for a while. Mirtz caused me problems soon after starting . My main issue was revving up after dosing which would include heart racing shortness of breath because so amped up and being able to sleep which was the propose of taking the drug.

 

I am a slow metabolizer therefore I believe the level of the mirtz was way higher for me at all times specially after dosing.

This drug for me was bad. I'm 41 days off of it and still going through heavy WD . Most people find relief after 2-3 rd month.

 

I like you got on it in jan. WD continues to be horrible sometimes I don't know how I do it, but so glad I'm off it!

 

Good luck

[Miami1]

Hello everyone!

Today is 63 days off of remeron MIRTZ.

Still struggling with mostly heavy all day anxiety then gives way to depression in the eve. I was having an every other day cycle of one tolerable day then one horrific day bur last week or so it's just been bad mostly every day.

 

Along with the anxiety I also get the agitation fear terror extreme vertigo tennitus desperation and my mind that constantly thinks I'll never get out of this mess. I've been tempted to take a rescue dose of a benzo, but have not.

 

My sleep was fair but now is for some reason suffering some.

I feel the chest emptiness that I'm sure many have experienced. My pdoc wants me to keep holding on. I told him I didn't know how much longer I can hold. It's been a solid 55 days of heavy WD and getting worse.

 

What are my options if my condition continues to deteriorate? Pdoc mentioned going on 3mg of Silinor which is for sleep but is an ad, named Doxipin. I almost rather take a Z drug or a benzo. But then again aside from the remeron I may be dealing with the benzo ct I did in December 2013. So I'm very concerned of that as well.

 

I know now and have learned the hard way mainly via this board, to not put any more pills in my mouth. And I have not aside from some magnesium and maybe 4 doses of 5mg of vistiril for sleep in 62 days.

 

I know we don't know how long this can last but will it ever ease and eventually end?

 

What's the thought on doxepin or benzo/Z if I end up getting worse? This mirtz WD shakes me to the core,and if it does get so bad that I start losing control, I don't want to end up in a psych ward being poisoned by 10 different drugs.

 

 

Hope those who have helped me in the past can chime in again !

 

Thx , Miami

[Miami1]

Anyone?

[bubble]

Hello Miami,

 

I hope you are feeling a bit better as I'm writing this. It often happens with waves: they can be pretty brutal and let us feel like back to square one and then just retreat.

 

Since you started experiencing some windows before this I really believe you have started recovering in the windows and waves pattern. Reading that thread always helps me in bad times to remind me it's part of a healing process and that it will pass.

 

I would definitely say you are still paying off a debt to benzo detox in December. I have such a long way to go with my benzo and AD so maybe being off all of them can be some consolation for you.

 

Having said that I totally understand your fear of this spiraling out of control. You know that we won't recommend you drugs because for every drug we have people here who are suffering because of it. In addition, once our CNS gets so sensitized with withdrawal, drugs work in unexpected ways and often don't even bring that temporary relief that they do when somebody takes them on a "clear" CNS. 

 

Therefore we rather try any other thing under the sun to ease the symptoms. I couldn't quite understand what your main symptom is right now. Lack of sleep? I also get very scared when my symptoms ramp up and also feel scared I will lose control and something very bad will happen to me. In the past I used to stuff myself with Xanax. Now I just try to calm myself down and have multiple experiences of horrible storms just blowing off and that ultimate deterioration not happening.

 

I remember Petu writing about clips she listens to to help her calm down and even sleep so maybe you can check her thread.

 

hang in there.

 

bubble

[mlrp]

Hi, Miami,

 

Just sending a hug and a prayer for some relief to you. I have my Remeron adventure ahead of me. Don't worry about replies, just want you to know I am thinking about you and you are not alone.

[Muddles]

Sorry to hear. Your brain is recovering...this is the only way I think you will get through this.

 

See the chaos, the terrible feelings as you bodies way of finding balance. And it will.

[mlrp]

Thank you, Muddles. I'll hold onto that. You are a brave, courageous woman.

[Miami1]

Bubble muddles Mirp,

Thanks for checking in sorry been off for awhile.

Still having this crazy cycle of one day tolerating sxs next day dealing with morning anxiety then crippling depression with this feeling of desperation and hopelessness. It last all day through the evening but again, so intense I feel I'm losing it.

 

Bubbles I also feel benzos have a definite roll in my misery.

I just don't understand why the precise almost exact every other day thing, then the following day absolute depression chaos.

 

I feel so stuck. I know if I hold with time I will get out. I just hope I can hold without having to go on another drug.

 

Miami

[mlrp]

Hi, Miami,

 

I surely wish I had something more to offer than words of support. I'm thinking about you and hoping and praying you get some palpable relief soon. In terms of the every other day aspect of the sx, I wonder if it isn't simply your body cycling on some kind of internal clock as it works to regain balance and rebuild connections. I'm no scientist, my thoughts are based only upon my intuition. My husband happened to time my leg twitches the other night when I was having pronounced restless legs while falling asleep. The spasms were almost exactly 26 seconds apart. 

 

You've held on for such a good, long while now. I can't help but feel that something will open up soon for you. I wish you continued strength and courage.

[Petunia]

Hi Miami,  Congratulations on being drug free for just over 2 months
 

I also feel benzos have a definite roll in my misery.
I just don't understand why the precise almost exact every other day thing, then the following day absolute depression chaos.

I feel so stuck. I know if I hold with time I will get out. I just hope I can hold without having to go on another drug.

 
I'm sorry you are still struggling, but 2 months is still early days and your're getting some smallish windows in the form of slightly more tolerable days, this is a good sign. I also notice patterns of anxious days followed by depression days, or 2 bad days followed by a less bad day.  For me, over time the patterns have changed, but there have always been patterns, a few weeks ago I was having alternating days of bad and less bad.  This week has been chaotic, insane anxiety for three days which has morphed into depression.  Its just the way it goes.  Have a look at the windows and waves topic again. A few posts up, CW wrote something about not going back on drugs, let me see if I can find it...
 
 

I am, however, going through a crushing depression with suicidal thoughts right now. But no amount of persuasion will get me back on the drugs.

 
and...
 

I have gotten to the place where I am firmly convinced that no pill will ever fix me again, they didn't change anything and made me worse.

 
Silinor/Doxipin is a tricyclic antidepressant. It is believed to act on neurotransmitters, specifically histamine. The drug that put CW into protracted withdrawal, Vistaril, is an anti-histamine.  I have to agree that there is too much risk in taking any drugs once the nervous system becomes sensitized by withdrawal.

I will remind you, however, that I am pretty sure that the vistaril my doc encouraged me to take last fall was likely instrumental in throwing me over the edge. In the long run, more drugs just don't work.

 

No matter how bad it gets for me, I never seriously consider turning to a drug for relief because I know I will regret it if I do.  I would hate to see you give in and try another drug, only to have it make you even worse, you have come so far.
 
From my own experience, before I found this site, I didn't know I was in withdrawal and tried fixing my symptoms with various drugs which had been prescribed, including xanax, dexamphetamine, propranolol, prozac and then I finally tried going back on lexapro.  Each time I got progressively worse, symptoms which had subsided came back, one of them I'm still suffering with over a year later, and it had gone.
 
Your nervous system is healing now, please give it a chance.
 
But having said that, I completely understand your fear of losing control and ending up in hospital.  When it gets bad for me, I often worry about the same thing. But I've realized that the fear of losing control adds to the stress, which in turn increases symptoms.  So something we can do is work on the secondary fear by accepting the symptoms and realizing that they can't hurt us. This doesn't stop them or make them go away, but it prevents them from getting worse. Then there is the fear that this will never end or take longer than we can stand.  That's another unhelpful thought which increases stress.
 
Struggling with and resisting symptoms increases stress levels.  Accepting and allowing symptoms decreases stress and they tend to reduce in intensity, maybe not right away, but over time.  This is the way we know that we have the ability to stay in control, by focusing on acceptance of the symptoms, rather than the symptoms themselves.
 
There are a lot of ideas here in  non-drug ways to manage symptoms:
 
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/
 
If you are interested in the sleep hypnosis that Bubble mentioned you can find it on a youtube channel here:

 

Jody Whiteley

 

Petu.

[Miami1]

Thank you Mirp Petu ,

It really does seem never ending I just hope I start getting some relief once I get past the 90 day mark off the mirtz. If this is all straight benzo god knows how long this suffering will take.

 

Miami

[chicken]

Miami,

How are you doing?. Haven't heard from you in awhile.

[Miami1]

Hi all,

102 days off remeron.

Still suffering. Heavy depression with anxiety although the anxiety little less and depression much more.

So much for my 3 month theory.

 

I can use some advice. I flew to boston to visit an evaluation program @ McClean hospital "the pavillion at McClean"

I had a two hour dr consult w/ the director of the program. His suggestion was as follows;

Sam-e

Lamictal

Fish oil

Deplin

As well as considering 1mg of Zoloft,every other day.

 

As per my dr in Miami I decided not to do the program.

My local pdoc also wants me to stay off everything mentioned above.

I still have mostly the every other day cycle of tolerable one day and horrific depression from waking up till shut eye.

 

The days of depression are so intense that I'm seriously thinking of trying something.

 

So tired of this living nightmare.

 

My best to all, Miami

[Miami1]

I am taking the fish oil as well as magnesium.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi miami,

 

Sorry you did not get the cure I m sure you were hoping for. I know how hard it is to live with this day after day.

 

 

I'm seriously thinking of trying something

 

Unfortunately, that is not likely to work. You are still thinking a drug will fix this. If there was such a thing, this site wouldn't exist. But you are welcome to try. Why didn't you?

 

Hang in there. It does get more tolerable. Just not as soon as we would like and not every day.

[Miami1]

Hey CW ,

 

I know at this point it doesn't matter but can't stop obsessing bout "is it the remeron or the Z/benzo ct "?

At difficult times I post as many do while dealing with a high degree of desperation.

Today I say ,no way will I ever take another psychiatric med, tomorrow this thread may reflect different depending on the desperation.

 

CW, has there been any improvements for you the last few weeks? I hope there has been.

 

Miami

[Meimeiquest]

I took some extreme measures. So far the outcome has exceeded my expectations, although I do still have WD symptoms with each cut. You can read my thread if you want.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi miami,

 

No improvement for me but not worse either. Still crushing anhedonia and apathy.

 

How are you doing? Stop in and give us an update. I hope things are a bit better. I have found that improvement in wd has to be measured in very tiny amounts. One of these days I have to update my thread to reflect the minute changes I have noticed in me. Most of the time I don't feel like it because my present reality is so awful to me. But not neatly so awful as last winter. That is a fact.

 

Don't worry or obsess about what kind of wd you are having because it doesn't matter. The course of action is still the same: stay off the drugs. Your reinstatement didn't work for whatever reason. So now you stay off and try to take care of yourself. And btw, the 'obsession' is a wd symptom too. It all sucks.

[Miami1]

Hey CW: so glad to hear of some improvement in your recovery. Today I'm 4 months off the remeron and few weeks will be 10 months off of benzos/Z.

 

Still struggling big time. Heavy psych symptoms the worse being depression. I'm starting to think my issues are more benzo WD than remeron. But as you have mentioned in the past, it doesn't matter.

 

Sxs- depression

Anxiety

Agitation

Hopelessness

Desperation

Anguish

Feeling of never getting better , ect.....

[Miami1]

Hi all;

10 months off of benzo ct. And 14 days away from 5 months off of remeron.

Had a time few weeks ago where the depression let up first for 3 days then 5 then 6. Now it's back to every other day again with decent days in between. Although the depression is still very hopeless and desperate lasting from morning till late night.

My sleep is also changing. I was sleeping fairly good, 4-6 hrs now it's less and broken.

 

Thx Miami

 

encouragement please

[Muddles]

Sorry Miami - I know how that depression feels and it's hell.

 

Think it's the window and wave pattern happening...just a case of riding this hell out.

 

Sorry I can't advise much else but know I am thinking of you.

[Miami1]

Hi Muddles;

Thx! Did u jump off the mirtz in sept?

Have things gotten any better for you?

I'm still wondering if I'm suffering benzo or mirtz WD.

I understand it doesn't matter at this point but wish I knew.

 

Hang in there!

[Miami1]

Bump

[Muddles]

Yes Miami - jumped off...was so ill on it.

Got better for a few weeks but I think withdrawal is hitting me now...so scared.

 

Think of you often. I really do think its holding on tight for another couple of months for you. It is probably benzo too.