Pugknows

[Cdav]

Hi Pug, I'm so sorry about your wave, I really hope it's the tsunami you mention and much more significant healing will come afterwards. 

 

I HAVE indeed found a lot of meaning from this experience. When I'm in a bad wave I feel like there is no meaning at all, though. When I'm better I realise how much wiser and stronger I am than ever before. I think we all have lost a lot during WD, but even if we can't see it right now, suffering always leads to something better.

 

I hope you feel better Pug!

[alex]

It is so good to hear that.

Keep giving the good fight.

I am.

 

Hugs.

[ten0275]

hi pug,

 

i wanted to take a quick moment to say hello - and to also congratulate you on your fortitude. i know the fight is far from over, but it doesn't seem all that long ago that you were held fast to the constant barrage, as many of us are in the earlier days. now it seems that better days have finally found you. not perfect days, but days where you can be. and in these improving days you continue to open your heart as you always have to others - which is so beautiful and kind. it is such a happy thing to read what you've been up to. you're a force of nature, i mean that. keep up the great work.

 

dave

[freespirit]

((((CDAV, ALIG, LL, MMT, MARTINA))))

 

Hugs to all of you and thank you for all your love and support.

 

I have been in a very bad wave for five days, panting in bed with heart palps, head whooshing, anxiety, panic, depression, gut tightness, insomnia, you name it. Just like acute. Today it seems to be lifting a bit. I'm hoping that this last wave was the tsunami that many people get before turning a corner to significant healing. Of course, I have no idea what the future holds, except for eventual 100% recovery. I will hold onto that hope until this is over.

 

I pray that all of you are feeling better. We are healing. Impatience has always been a major character flaw in me. This experience is teaching me things I need to work on to make myself whole and live a new life unencumbered by my weaknesses.

 

Do any of you feel like you've learned things about yourselves during this process that will make this hardship meaningful in some significant way in your new healed life?

 

I'd love to hear some feedback. I'm always trying to give meaning to things that happen.

 

Love, Pug

 

Pug,

 

I hope by now that the wave is easing somewhat and you're back to feeling a bit better again...and I hope it is one of the last ones to hit, while you're on the road to more solid ground.

 

I share your issues regarding patience. Apparently some of us need the most difficult lessons in order to make progress on that one. I'm grudgingly learning!

 

For me, one of the biggest lessons I've learned through this process is this--I'm not who I thought I was. I believed I was a depressed person, who had lost her zest for life and was destined to live the rest of her life in ill health. I thought I'd be on drugs for the rest of my life. As it turns out, I still have a lot of life in me, am not only capable of living without AD...but am thriving off them. I never thought I'd be physically active again, and had given up on many dreams around that. Wrong on that count too...

 

Going through WD has shown me I'm much stronger and more resilient that I thought I was...has given me a deep spiritual practice, and made me more grateful for small moments of feeling present, peaceful, or happy...things that I used to take for granted..and maybe after awhile, I'll be able to describe myself as a more patient woman...or maybe that's expecting too much..lol. For me, not seeking meaning through such difficult experiences would make them intolerable for me. I aim for squeezing the most juice out of them that I can...as you never know how many more opportunities you'll get in life.

[Pugknows]

Thanks everyone for visiting my thread. I've read all of your thoughtful posts about the "upside" each of you are deriving from this journey and it comforts me in profound ways.

 

I will say it again: This community of generous and compassionate souls who reach out to each other daily, in the midst of their own debilitating pain, astounds me. When someone cannot walk, another offers them one of their crutches. When someone cannot breathe, another offers them their oxygen mask. If I had not traveled this withdrawal journey, I never would have known that this level of human dignity and selflessness existed in this world.

 

Now, when someone like me cannot sleep, would another please give me a f*cking sledgehammer?

 

Thank you for your kindness, Pug

[Pugknows]

WE ARE ALL HEALING. BELIEVE IT.

[Pugknows]

I wrote this reply in the Relationships Section on the thread entitled: "On not investing in drama - yours or other people's":

 

"I don't believe anyone on this forum intentionally draws people into their "drama" to get a reaction or try to inflict harm on others.

 

To those of you who find yourselves vulnerable and shaken by reading posts of people's pain, or by getting involved with someone at their lowest point, perhaps you should limit your participation on the forum to reading and posting on threads you know to be "safe." You have all been around long enough to easily find threads written by people who are more accepting of this process and less fearful than others. Rather than put yourselves in harm's way, or chastise people who are expressing themselves honestly during a time of deep pain, perhaps you should remove yourselves from the situation and let others who are stronger step in and try to comfort those who are in trouble.

 

There is always more than one solution to every problem. Requesting that people not engage others in their drama or telling them to "just get a grip" or "learn to self-soothe" is not a solution, nor is it even helpful advice. It's not even compassionate.

 

I will miss the friendships I have made on this forum, but I don't share the attitudes of the staff and it's time I get my own grip and self-soothe a different way. My wish is that we all find our own paths to healing as comfortably as is humanly possible without recriminations when we find ourselves weakened by these debilitating symptoms and seeking a virtual hug from Internet strangers at our lowest points."

 

All of you who have taken the time and energy to cheer me up, reassure me, soothe me and, ultimately, save my life, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope, in some small way, I did the same for you when you needed comfort.

 

I will check my PMs for a week or so and will give my email address to anyone who wants to keep in touch.

 

You all have a special place in my heart.

 

Pug

[DLB]

Take care Pug. Good luck. I'll miss ya.

[ang]

You have to keep writing pugknows,   you cant stop now, you inspire us all,   your humour, your humbleness, your generosity with help and wisdom............  You dont have to agree with the moderators, you have so much to give us all,  please keep writing when you can...........

 

Ang

[Skylarblue75]

Pug, I agree with you 100% about the expression of attitudes recently expressed here on the forum. I also agree that when there are a lot of people on here suffering so greatly and have no other place to come except here to talk about what's happening to them it should be a place of compassion. This w/d not only affects people mentally and physically it also tears down families, takes away their humanity. It causes so much instability in all aspects of life. I agree people aren't on here to cause drama or to pull others into their so called drama or to cause harm. I suppose I could be called one of those "drama codependent" causers, not that is my intention at all. Pug I understand your choice,that's why I try not to post every day here but it's hard when my symptoms haven't changed. I will miss you and pray for you and your family. All I can say is a persons attitude speak volumes of a persons character.

I can guarantee me posting this will get me warned or even banned from the site now, what a shame.

[Pugknows]

Skylar,

 

Your suffering is at the extreme end of the scale and you have little to no support from your family, which magnifies your pain and despair. I understand and respect you for fighting your way through this process every single day.

 

Keep posting and receiving the love and deep caring of the generous souls on this forum. You will continue to make it through this and will give back to others as you heal. You will be a flashlight in the cave and your experience of this withdrawal will light the way for those who come behind you.

 

Thank you for your kindness. God bless you and keep you in His arms.

 

Pug

[Pugknows]

Ang,

 

Thank you so much for your sweet words. You have helped and comforted me many many times and I am eternally grateful to you.

 

Love, Pug

[LoveandLight]

((Pug)) thank goodness for you pug please pm me let me know how your doing x

[Altostrata]

Listen, folks, if you find the environment not to your liking here, please start your own site or Google group or Facebook page and provide a place of compassion as you would prefer.

 

It's kind of rude to be complaining about your hardworking hosts in public, as though we can't see what you're saying.

[ang]

Sorry, I havent followed the threads much lately, but I honestly dont think a comment was really needed Alto. I hope you can remove it, as it sounds kinda nasty.  I am sure there is a much better way to write what you mean to write, when you are not angry..   Everyone knows you do a brilliant job. you are a survivor, and yes for that you are held in awe, by myself, anyway.    But others are entitled to their own words of wisdom. That is why the site works because we all support each other how we feel we should.......  

[luv2knit]

I definitely think I must have missed something... Either that, or my brain is just too messed up right now to comprehend. In any case, I wish you the best, Pug.

 

XOXO

[DLB]

I definitely think I must have missed something... Either that, or my brain is just too messed up right now to comprehend. In any case, I wish you the best, Pug.

 

Yeah, I missed it too. Hope all this works out for everyone....

[Altostrata]

No, ang, I am sincerely and deeply offended by the characterization of me and the mods as lacking in compassion.

 

I've arrived at the policies applied on this site after a great deal of thought and evaluating the options. If you do not respect them, you do not respect me or the hard work the staff puts into this site. By all means, please leave.

 

The explanation of the policy in question is contained, in great detail, in On not investing in drama - yours or other people's

[DLB]

Those policies are good for everyone. Keeping away from drama (your own or others) is one of the best healers. Love this site but i found if i stay away or not read the horror stories I definitely felt better. Just a thought while recognizing everyone elses pain. Been there and am now at the top rung of the ladder climbing out of this hole and looking back at what has worked.

[bubble]

"I don't believe anyone on this forum intentionally draws people into their "drama" to get a reaction or try to inflict harm on others.

 

 

The way I understand it, this is exactly the thing: we don't do this intentionally.

 

I'm very grateful to Alto for recognising when our attempts to be caring and compassionate to others actually UNINTENTIONALLY cause harm to ourselves and them. I'm just becoming aware of something called codependence and see how much it describes the way I function that I was totally unaware off.

 

A lot of us come from abusive and dysfunctional families so we never had a chance to learn constructive ways of being compassionate.

 

I always remember my mom and how she would constantly complain about everything in her life. People would sympathise with her and she never did anything to address her problems. It seems that getting sympathy (and making everybody else miserable) was enough for her. It would make her feel better. Until the next occassion. I had to learn to focus on what is really the matter  for her and ask her what she can DO to change things which made her so misearble. In WD it might seem like there isn't much if anything that one can dobut it is dangerous if we just stop trying. We can express sympathy so much that we overlook the fact that a person kept going up and down in doses for instance. In that way we miss the opportunity to be really helpful.

 

Withdrawal is very, very complicated and muddles many things but our patterns of behaviour still remain.

 

We always have a choice: whether we will say that somebody who critices us is bad or whether we will reflect on what has been said (especially if it comes from a person whom we know is well intentioned) and see whether we can use that feedback to learn something new about ourselves and thus facilitate our growth.

 

I apologise if I wasn't clear enough but felt the need to share my opnions with you here. Sometimes people who tell us what we don't want to hear and what upsets us do us a great favour.

 

Best,

Bubble

[luv2knit]

It's always been my policy to stay away from the "horror stories". There have been times when I have felt very badly, because I might love the individual, but just did not feel I could offer them support right then. In fact, I have gone through a good deal of my withdrawal feeling I could not read threads or offer support to anyone. I think we all have to do what we have to do to heal.

[toomanymeds]

 

"I don't believe anyone on this forum intentionally draws people into their "drama" to get a reaction or try to inflict harm on others.

 

The way I understand it, this is exactly the thing: we don't do this intentionally.

 

I'm very grateful to Alto for recognising when our attempts to be caring and compassionate to others actually UNINTENTIONALLY cause harm to ourselves and them. I'm just becoming aware of something called codependence and see how much it describes the way I function that I was totally unaware off.

 

A lot of us come from abusive and dysfunctional families so we never had a chance to learn constructive ways of being compassionate.

 

I always remember my mom and how she would constantly complain about everything in her life. People would sympathise with her and she never did anything to address her problems. It seems that getting sympathy (and making everybody else miserable) was enough for her. It would make her feel better. Until the next occassion. I had to learn to focus on what is really the matter for her and ask her what she can DO to change things which made her so misearble. In WD it might seem like there isn't much if anything that one can dobut it is dangerous if we just stop trying. We can express sympathy so much that we overlook the fact that a person kept going up and down in doses for instance. In that way we miss the opportunity to be really helpful.

 

Withdrawal is very, very complicated and muddles many things but our patterns of behaviour still remain.

 

We always have a choice: whether we will say that somebody who critices us is bad or whether we will reflect on what has been said (especially if it comes from a person whom we know is well intentioned) and see whether we can use that feedback to learn something new about ourselves and thus facilitate our growth.

 

I apologise if I wasn't clear enough but felt the need to share my opnions with you here. Sometimes people who tell us what we don't want to hear and what upsets us do us a great favour.

 

Best,

Bubble

[ang]

No, ang, I am sincerely and deeply offended by the characterization of me and the mods as lacking in compassion.

 

I've arrived at the policies applied on this site after a great deal of thought and evaluating the options. If you do not respect them, you do not respect me or the hard work the staff puts into this site. By all means, please leave.

I HAVE NEVER EVER SAID YOU LACK IN COMPASSION.

You are one strong lady, who inspires by the fact, you made it, we can too. But you aint a psychiatrist  and please dont try and be one,.....................If we were well, we wouldnt need this site?  Tell me where I have no respect for you?  How about just chilling out, and using the rules.  Bad points, we get warned, then we get banned, I understand those rules, I have still 0 bad points.............

If your only response is to tell me to leave, tell me where I have broken the rules.............  this is Pugknows thread..........................contact me privately.......................

[Pugknows]

To my sweet SA family:

 

I am 12 months off all meds and haven't had a window yet. I've noticed some improvements over the past year, especially compared to how I was feeling during months 1-8. I used to have 16 symptoms. I am now down to 5.

 

I was in tolerance for a year (almost all of 2014) with 24/7 nausea before jumping CT. Three ER visits, three endoscopies. I was diagnosed with one pinprick ulcer, then no ulcers, then 2 surface ulcers. Put on PPIs and Sucralfate. All the doctors I saw told me the opiates I was taking for my spinal stenosis pain were causing my nausea. I lost 40 lbs. in 6 months. I checked myself into a detox facility August 1, 2014 and was CT'd off the opiates. Came home after 2 weeks still nauseous and unable to eat. I had severe constipation to boot which had been going on for two years.

 

The only other meds I was taking were 900 mg Gabapentin for back pain and 4mg Zofran for nausea. My pain doc told me to stop taking the Gabapentin. The next day I ended up in the ER a fourth time so out of it I was drooling, falling over and incoherent. They did an ultrasound which revealed 2 gallstones. The doctor at the ER told me to reinstate the Gabapentin.

 

The doctor who would perform my gallbladder surgery prescribed Ativan, which I took for three months prior to surgery because I was so frail and the Ativan relaxed me enough to eat a little. I went for gallbladder surgery September 2, 2014 and coded on the operating table. They saved my life, but didn't remove my gallbladder. I developed a huge liver biloma due to the surgeon tearing a liver bile duct trying to resuscitate me and I had to have a drain inserted. Two months later I had my gallbladder removed--no gallstones were found. I came home after three days and I was still nauseous 24/7.

 

I was still so sick. My family and I thought it had to be the Gabapentin. We had exhausted all the other possibilities. I was on 900mg and I kept cutting down the Gabapentin, 100 mg a day. I hadn't found this site or anything on the internet about how slow you were supposed to taper and my pain doc said he never tapered any of his patients. Gabapentin didn't need to be tapered he said. I was sick taking the drug, I was sick tapering the drug, so my family and I decided I should just stop taking it.

 

Welcome to withdrawal hell, Judy. Come on in and set a spell. That's if you can sit at all with the roaring tinnitus, akathisia, cortisol/adrenaline surging, anxiety, panic attacks, looping intrusive thoughts that come out of Satan's butthole, back pain, nausea, insomnia, horror show nightmares, vertigo, constant pacing, DP/DR, constipation, anal spasms, gut pain, drunk/drugged LSD tripping, cog fog, internal vibrations like I was laying on a vibrating bed, etc. It was like being on a cheap carnival ride after you've eaten a whole spool of pink cotton candy.

 

The first three months was a steady stream of life on Elm Street with Freddy Krueger leading the parade. A real sh*t show X 1000. The next five months, if you can believe it, were even worse! Every symptom seemed to take on a life of its own. I was helpless, my white knuckles hanging onto the rollercoaster roll bar with no seat belt doing upside down loop-de-loops all day long.

 

At 3 months out, the cog fog and vertigo went away. And here's the real kicker. My back pain, which was the reason I was prescribed all these meds in the first place, COMPLETELY GONE. It turns out that the opiates and the Gabapentin were CAUSING my back pain. The spinal fusion surgery I had in September 2013 was actually a stunning success. I have not had any back pain since.

 

At 4 months out, the 24/7 nausea went away. Then I started taking 200mg of magnesium at night. The constipation went away. I still had some gut issues, but these two babies were pure hell.

 

At 7.5 months out, I was walking in my backyard in the wee hours--walking, not pacing frantically. Oh my God, the akathisia is gone! I started bawling. I rolled back and forth on the carpet, I howled at the moon. I got down on my knees and prayed, thanking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, all my dead relatives, Elvis, Mother Teresa, my guardian angel, Ghandi, Frank Sinatra, Lassie, Buddha, my spirit guide (yes, I've read up on and tried everything on this journey) and anyone else I could think of who may have had something to do with lifting this horrible symptom from my body and brain. My dirty bathrobe, caked with oatmeal and bits of fried egg, was now soaked with my tears. I could lay on my back in bed for more than 5 minutes without popping back up to run outside and pace my backyard in a panic.

 

At 8.5 months out, I was "strolling" in my backyard in the wee hour darkness and I noticed my roaring pulsatile tinnitus and internal head whooshing was quieter. It was not like getting tossed around in a washing machine of crashing waves. It was more like what you hear when you put a conch shell up to your ear, but with a resuscitator machine attached to it (my heartbeat). The whooshing was lighter, like a whisper of what it used to be. I began to bawl again and thank a litany of other dead people I forgot to mention when the akathisia went away the month before. I knew in my heart who was really responsible--He will, one day, lift me out of the abyss and has never left my side.

 

At 9.5 months out, all my gut issues went away. I get occasional heartburn like everybody does once in awhile, I pop a couple of Tums 1000 and I get immediate relief. I still get the anal spasm thingie once a month if I have a lower intestine gas bubble, but I fart and I'm good to go.

 

At 10.5 months out, the insomnia got better. I always get at least 5 hours of sleep most nights. Sometimes I still have trouble getting to sleep. I used to take half a Unisom doxy about once or twice a week for a couple of months, when I could not fall asleep due to looping intrusive thoughts, but I read somewhere that it may cause Alzheimer's or some other dementia, so I quit, since I don't need that crap to complicate or interrupt my lovely withdrawal adventure.

 

At 11.5 months out, the symptoms started alternating, morphing, jumping around a bit. I started having some pretty gnarly waves that would last a week. A real Wheel of Misfortune potpourri. A new symptom started too. Fever-like chills coursing through my body that last about an hour. Weird. The internal vibrating bed symptom only happens once a month and goes away in about 15 seconds, so I'm not counting it. I also get occasional little squealies of tinnitus, but they go away in 5 seconds, so I don't count them either.

 

As of November 8, 2015, at 12 months out, I am left with the following symptoms: 4am cortisol adrenaline glutamate (or whatever you want to call it) alarm clock, racing heart beat, heart palps, anxiety and fear, overstimulation (still can't watch TV or listen to music), intrusive thoughts, hyper-sensitivity to good and bad stressors, drugged/drunk veil that drapes me. I guess that's more than five, but who's counting?

 

I know Who is going to pull me out of this one day. I will be forever grateful when that day arrives and, before that day comes, I'll keep reminding myself of many things, like my beautiful family, a roof over my head, my beloved pug Opie and my health, for which I am already grateful.

 

I have missed you all so much. I have prayed for your healing every night. You know we will all heal. It just takes a long time. We will heal and this will be a foggy memory (no, not withdrawal foggy memory). We will continue to spin the Wheel of Misfortune, we will pace and rock and cry, we will put heat and ice on what hurts, we will have intrusive thoughts that we will never heal, we will be constipated (magnesium set me free), we will have diarrhea (bananas and brown rice and protein are good pluggers), we will get revved up using our computers and cell phones, we will run to the doctors when new health issues blow our minds (because, of course, we are dying), we will try to distract, breathe deeply, do yoga, meditate and exercise and nothing will work, we will have nightmares that would make Stephen King cringe, we will TRY EVERYTHING but, at the end of the day, we will rest up for the onslaught of tomorrow because nothing will heal us but TIME. Our spirits will not be broken because God protects us always. He will carry us over the finish line some day.

 

Please keep me in your prayers as I do all of you. Prayers work. They really do.

 

Love, Pug

[divalee]

Pug

I was looking all over for you and wondering what happened to you.  You just disappeared.  I had not read any of this above.  Please do not leave us.......you are such an inspiration - and have helped me and so many others.

 

I have to say after only 12 months you are doing great.  I am 30 months off Zoloft this month and most of my WDs like no more leg pains, nausea , vomiting, indigestion...all those things are gone.  But I still have pins and needles all over my face and head...pressure in my head all the time, migraines, light headedness, distorted vision, no let up for months and months. 

 

Still I don't let it stop me from doing all I must do.  We must -  but even though I do everything - it doesn't take away the WDs....they seem to be stuck -  anyway nothing I can do but hope that some day I will get relief.

 

Please Pug - don't leave....you are brilliant in what you say.  I agree with you that at some point we become so low and desperate that we come here in such fear and need to be held by every single person -  we get to that point, but then we pull ourselves up and start climbing again because we have come here to vent and want some coffee and toast or any comfort food we can get.

 

Please forgive us when we do this -  it isn't meant - we just have just lost our courage for a moment is all.  We do not need to be reprimanded for doing this -  I can see if all we did was come here wanting comfort all the time - I can understand where some of you are coming from..

 

But please weigh it - and know that most of us when this happens is because we have been strong for too long...and we need a cuddle..is all.

 

Pug -  thank you for you......you are a precious gem who has lit my road when it was the darkest.

 

Love

Lee

[Pugknows]

Lee,

 

Sweetheart, I think you may have misinterpreted why I took time off SA. It wasn't at all because of my dear friends on the forum. I just felt there was a change in the attitude of the staff that was less compassionate towards people who were in the depths of despair and needed comfort and reassurance. I always knew the moderators and Alto were full of compassion, or they wouldn't be volunteering their time to help others. They may have been getting weary of the drama that goes hand in hand with the suffering. I still respect them all and I'm grateful they have created and continue to maintain this site and provide a safe haven for those of us who are in agony.

 

I am delighted that some of your symptoms have dropped off and/or decreased in intensity. This is a great sign that you are healing, dear friend.

 

I'm praying for you, as always.

 

Love, Pug

[divalee]

Oh yes that is what I meant , not your friends on the forum - but that of the change of attitude of the staff.  I guess I didn't make it clear....

 

This is a great group of people - we are all in it together....and we do need each other.  No one understands us as well as all here because we walk in each others shoes.....

 

Love you much Pug....please stay.....so you said >some time off>  so I hope that means you will stay.

 

Much love

Lee

[melanie]

Hi Pugknows,

 

Great you're back! Just dropping by to say "hello" from the other side of the globe. I followed the discussion on your thread and was very sad you left...

 

Hope to get to know you better one of these days...

 

Hugs,

Mel

[bluebalu86]

Hi Pug, I'm glad to see you back, I missed you. Your words and sense of humor even in the darkest times always brightened up my day. You are very missed here. 

You have made an amazing recovery in this past year. Just think about how much better you'll be in another year. I am very happy for you and a little jealous.

Stop by here, we miss you!

[Frustrated]

Hi Pug! Nice to see your name in my email. Glad to hear you are seeing improvements and are now seeing the year mark. I am 17 months off now and seeing some improvements over where I was during the first year. Think of you and Luv often.

[Pugknows]

Lee,

 

I'll be here until the last one of us crosses the finish line. Nobody will be left behind.

 

Melanie,

 

Thanks so much for the welcome back. How are you doing? I hope you are doing cartwheels on the lawn. Unless they are akathisia cartwheels. That would be bad.

 

Frustrated,

 

Sweetheart, how are you? How is Sam? How's your health? Any relief from the pain and burning? How's your daughter doing with the headaches?

 

Love, Pug

[Frustrated]

Sam and Emma are still dealing but doing better. I still have my issues with leg pain and burning but I see small improvements here and there. Getting my gallbladder out on the 25 th for a segmentation and polyps so I wont hold out hope that it will help the nausea and chest and back pain. Always something. So glad you are here again!

[Pugknows]

I had my gallbladder removed a week before cold turkey. I was suffering 24/7 nausea all through 2014. 6 months after surgery, no more nausea. Recovery from surgery wasn't long at all. A couple of weeks and I forgot I had it removed. But then, I had my mind on acute WD!

 

You'll be okay, Frustrated. In fact, you'll be better than okay. Turns out I didn't have gallstones. I could have sold the damn thing on eBay.

 

Love, Pug

[Pugknows]

What's a segmentation?

[Frustrated]

My gallbladder is seperated into 2 sections. Not sure by what. Cholesterol maybe. It bothers the surgeon and he wants to remove it.

[Pugknows]

Hmmm. Glad he's not charging you double.