Marta: Intro

[Marta]

I just want relief but there is nothing I can do, I open my eyes and the hell is here. On the 18 march something happened and turn the volume  of anxiety on MAX and it's still there. Yes the malaise was announcing it weeks before, but it really striked overnight.

 

 

I sit on a chair most of the day and the chair shakes. My pains and twitches are constant, always in the same places,no peace,so unreal. Cannot stand up a lot.

Sleep is poor and I wake exactly as the day before, I still resist the temptation to take any benzo. I have like two nights 2/3h, two nights zero, one night 5h and the cycle continues. I am forcing myself to eat, 30 minutes to complete a 5 minute meal.

 

I live in a world with enhanced gravity everything is heavy and nauseous and I have to plan every movement. And my stomach gives up. This is my wd characteristic sign since 2015. It's more than a panic attack, it's a constant struggle to exist.

 

I tell myself to resist one more day, one more day.... But then I don't know, i may surrender and beg a doctor for a benzo, or even thinking about reinstating,or i really just admit myself somewhere.

 

 

 

 

[Greatful]

@Marta  I am so so sorry that this is so awful......I know that you are doing the best that you can.....You are truly remarkable hanging on with things you are trying to live with..  My heart goes out to you♥️ Time will keep marching on, let it pull you through each day and into the future.

Big hug🤗 

[Marta]

I write here again. Please let me know if it's upsetting that i write here every day. If maybe would be better if I take some breaks I don't know.

 

I tried yoga today and had to stop it because how how painful even my skin if stretched. Nothing is getting better.I am in constant pain and terror no matter what I do. Standing up to wash the dishes is a challenge. I had to quit my gym membership and my boyfriend is very sad.

 

How could I become disabled and in terror in ONE night. This weird pain exploded after the terror exploded so I tell myself if one day the wd terror finally subside then maybe the pain can improve. But what if the brain got used to this pain and will be stuck in it even if the anxiety subside,if ever? I know it's a catastrophic thought but I am here facing no change...in a month and half.

 

I am grateful for all the messages you write to me, really. Didn't expect to end in this hole and I excuse myself if I am not able to support or encourage anyone.

[Greatful]

@Marta  I'm holding on to you Marta.♥️

[Ariel]

@Marta

Sending you a hug 

I hold you in my heart and prayers 

[Ariel]

Kind thoughts and healing vibes <3

[Marta]

Dear @brassmonkey , I hope you see this tag......you were so kind last year to write me about the late breaking waves one yr off, I slowly 90% healed from it. Since you have in mind a broader statistic than me (including benzobuddies maybe), I would like to ask you something.

 

A year later I am expecting another wave (so now at 2yrs off), almost exploded overnight. I have all the previous synthoms plus new one (different muscles+nerve aches in certain parts of the body).

 

In your experience is it even possible to have new synthoms so far off?

 

Also, so far has been ~45 days with NO improvement, is it still a reasonable timeframe?

 

 

Thanks for your time.🙏

[Greatful]

@Marta  I have to say I feel for you---I have been getting stabbing pains in my right bicep and around that area-If you have all over that is a lot to handle. Do you get any breaks from it?  Mine comes on sharp then fades.......

 

Hugs to you♥️🤗

[Marta]

@Greatful no peace for me 24/7. I entered this state and here I am stuck with physical and mental syntoms. Every day the same. I am really losing it. After the neurologist visit that probably will be a circus show I start to contemplate reinstatement.

Thanks for thinking about me I wish I could hug you

[Ariel]

Hi @Marta

Sending you a hug <3

 

As for that previous post of yours in someone else's thread, the one where you're asking brassmonkey a question -- maybe just copy-paste and re-post the original inquiry here in your own thread? 

 

I hold you in my heart and prayers, wishing you peace,

A.

[Marta]

Dear @brassmonkey , I post this on my intro, I wrongly posted somewhere else. As you can see I am quite desperate.

 

 

 

.....you were so kind last year to write me about the late breaking waves one yr off, I slowly 90% healed from it. Since you have in mind a broader statistic than me (including benzobuddies maybe), I would like to ask you something.

 

 

 

A year later I am expecting another wave (so now at 2yrs off), almost exploded overnight. I have all the previous synthoms plus new one (different muscles+nerve aches in certain parts of the body).

 

 

 

In your experience is it even possible to have new synthoms so far off?

 

 

 

Also, so far has been ~50 days with NO improvement, is it still a reasonable timeframe?

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your time, I know there is no absolute answer, it's so hard I don't know what to tell myself anymore 🙏

[Shep]

5 hours ago, Marta said:

A year later I am expecting another wave (so now at 2yrs off), almost exploded overnight. I have all the previous synthoms plus new one (different muscles+nerve aches in certain parts of the body).

 

 

Please don't forget the high fever, Marta. You may be dealing with a virus that set this off, possibly even undetected Covid. I really fear you're going to message psychiatric drug withdrawal to your neurologist, who may brand you as "mentally ill" and not take your symptoms seriously.

 

If this is from a virus, you're going to want to see what the neurologist can do for you.

[Marta]

@Shep yes thank you!...in one week, i will just tell about the fever and the almost sudden onset of problems in my arms and right leg. I still have them daily 24/7 and I really feel my body is disabled because they are not moving around like other things.

 

I will leave out the insomnia / no appetite/ anxiety that I still have.

 

I am scared to death!

If nothing shows up in medical tests I am convinced to reinstate. Cannot live like this.

[Marta]

I tried to walk a bit yesterday and do some body weight squats. Today my legs muscles are burning and shaking. I cannot reach deep sleep to recover my muscles. My cns is on fire and in Fibromyalgia state. I don't think it can go back to normal anymore. It's over for me!

 

I triggered it with the stress and the illness. I am destroyed

[almuPA]

Hello @Marta,

 

I am sorry to read that you are still suffering that much. You are such a brave person, it does not have to be easy at all.

 

I know it is easier said than done, but please dont lose faith. You never know if recovery is close for you. It is good that you are going to have an appointment with the neurologist to rule out anything. If he/she tells you that the tests look find, please try to remember that your body healed once, it can be done again. 

1 hour ago, Marta said:

I tried to walk a bit yesterday and do some body weight squats. Today my legs muscles are burning and shaking

I know you said you are sore, but please, keep in mind what a great achievement it is the fact that you tried. 

 

I send you a hug.

[Shep]

7 hours ago, Marta said:

@Shep yes thank you!...in one week, i will just tell about the fever and the almost sudden onset of problems in my arms and right leg. I still have them daily 24/7 and I really feel my body is disabled because they are not moving around like other things.

 

I will leave out the insomnia / no appetite/ anxiety that I still have.

 

 

This is good. This sounds like you're going in the right direction. You may want to write down the dates the fever started and ended. And that it came with pain, which caused the insomnia and lack of appetite. This frames a physical problem. Yes, definitely leave out symptoms like "anxiety," as that speaks in the language of psychiatry and may cause your neurologist to ask if you have a history of "anxiety disorders" or "depression." If you're asked that, it's okay to answer "no." You've been off the psych drugs long enough that there's no reason to mention them.

 

By having the fever timeline and your symptoms written down, you're more likely to keep to the script.

 

Also, you mentioned being 90% healed before this happened, so it's safe to message that you were perfectly healthy and happy before you got this fever.

 

5 hours ago, Marta said:

I am destroyed

 

You really need to stop the negative self talk. The more you do this, the more you're likely to slip into this while you're at your appointment, which may lead the neurologist to brand you as "mentally ill" and suggest you see a psychiatrist.

 

Instead of "I am destroyed," I would switch to "I had a really bad illness and I'm struggling to recover, but I will get better."

 

The more you practice this, the more naturally it comes. You'd be surprised how much your thoughts weigh you down. Talk to yourself as you would talk to a close friend. Would you tell a close friend "You're destroyed and you'll never get better"?

 

5 hours ago, Marta said:

I tried to walk a bit yesterday and do some body weight squats. Today my legs muscles are burning and shaking.

 

Unless you're already used to doing strength training, this would cause anyone to be sore. Body weight squats are hard work. I would stick to gentle walks and gentle stretches. Gentle yoga like this will be more helpful for now:

 

Legs Up The Wall - Foundations of Yoga video (7 minutes)

 

4 hours ago, almuPA said:

It is good that you are going to have an appointment with the neurologist to rule out anything. If he/she tells you that the tests look find, please try to remember that your body healed once, it can be done again. 

 

Very good advice, almuPA, and so true - this speaks to how resilient the human body really is.

[Marta]

@Shep I tried with all my strength to endure the suffering, I cannot anymore, really. Nothing is changing, not a single 10% that can give me some hope.

I am in pain and not sleeping and lost too much weight.

 

I want to try to reinstate as soon as possible. I have the liquid lexapro. 1mg or less?

 

 

[Marta]

Ok I have searched in the form i see 0.1mg is suggested. I will start with this

[Marta]

I took it. How should I proceed now for the next days?

[ChessieCat]

There is information in Post #1 of this topic.  Please read through it carefully:

 

about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms

 

[brassmonkey]

When you tag us, we get a notification that takes us directly to the post, so it is easy to find.

 

I so glad you are feeling better from your wave last year, but sorry to hear that you are fighting yet another one. The post "0" experience is still pretty uncharted waters, so making any call as to what is normal is quite difficult. Many of the people I've talked with, myself included, were still experiencing waves of symptoms at the two-year point, some were mild while others got hit pretty hard for several weeks. But if every case the wave would pass, and the person would be better off for it.

 

Your signature indicates a reinstatement on 7/5. If that is true, I would be very careful because it could really throw a wrench in the works. Did it help any? It's only been two days so it would be possible to treat it as a "rescue dose" and just stop taking it if it didn't. Forty-five days is getting long to such a late breaking wave, but not unheard of. Are there any other factors that could be adding to the problem? Caffeine, alcohol, COVID?

[brassmonkey]

I would be very careful with a reinstatement. Even though it's been two years your body will still be sensitive to the drug and could react badly.  Waves this far out are quite possible and can range from mild to pretty bad and can last for several months. If possible, I would treat the RI as a "rescue dose" and stop taking the medication.  It sounds like there are a lot of outside factors that could be causing the symptoms.

[Marta]

@brassmonkey thanks for answering. Yes, I took 0.1mg for two days. As the hours pass I don't see a single difference in the severity of my symptoms.

 

In general I don't see a single change in my situation since almost two months that could give me hope that I am in the right direction. I am not drinking anything, I am basically homebound. I am enduring constant physical and mental pain stuck in this state.

[Ariel]

Hi @Marta

Thinking of you <3

 

[Greatful]

@Marta  How are you doing♥️

[Marta]

@Ariel @Greatful i am very bad. Really I never expected to be so bad, trying to stay alive

[Ariel]

Oh @Marta I'm so sorry. I wish I could take your pain away. 

Hang in there. One moment, one breath at a time. You can do it. You are so very brave and strong!

Just a few more days till the neurologist's appointment, right? Shep has given you such good advice. 

I hold you in my heart and prayers. 

A. 

 

[Marta]

My body is broken from these months of suffering. I am still taking ~1 mg. Mentally is doesn't make it worse, physically same hell.

 

I am really at the limit. Scared and in pain. Maybe I will lose it and go back on ads if only this could help

[Marta]

@Shep I just wanted to update. The neurologist checked me carefully and didn't see any neurological disorders. He ordered some blood tests. He said there are many viruses that can cause muscles problems but i should recover. He will see me again in July. 

 

For me I feel terrible, no any improvement. 24/7 physical symptoms that are not morphing and anxiety/terror continuously.

 

I am taking this 0.1mg since 7/5 but I don't feel any change. I don't know if I should try more or give up.

 

I don't know what to say anymore. 

 

[Shep]

On 3/28/2022 at 8:50 PM, Altostrata said:

High fever is not characteristic of protracted withdrawal syndrome -- you went off the drug in January 2020. It sounds like you might have some kind of infection.

 

3 hours ago, Marta said:

The neurologist checked me carefully and didn't see any neurological disorders. He ordered some blood tests. He said there are many viruses that can cause muscles problems but i should recover.

 

From what Alto said back in March to what your neuro just said, it really sounds like you're dealing with a virus. Having more sensitivities than someone who hasn't gone through withdrawal, your body may be hyper-reacting.

 

We go through hell for sometimes years before healing from withdrawal and you went from 90% healed to getting sick with a high fever. Psychologically, that's a major blow, Marta, and we all feel for you. You may need to go deep into acceptance at this point and accept that your recovery is going to take longer than it would have if you hadn't gotten a virus. But you still can go on to heal from all of this.

 

Please try to do as much self care as you. You were putting a lot of energy into the "what if's" for reinstating and now you know that that's not going to help. So now you can put your energy into doing what you can to heal from what likely is a virus.

 

If you're not seeing any benefits with the bit of AD, I would stop it.  When will you have the results of the bloodwork?

 

 

[Greatful]

@Marta oh Marta - my heart goes out to you--that terror is so hard- nothing you can do--the brain is going to do what it wants and all you can do is go along for the ride--Sadly we don't always know why we feel terror- so it makes it hard to address--Please know that many of us are here for you---I may not be walking in your shoes right now but know that I validate your struggles.....

We may not be there with you physically but know that you are not alone......

both in suffering with the ill affects of these drugs and with hope---we can heal...Each day will come and go and it will bring you one day closer to healing..  yesterday is over and thank goodness you don't have to go through that day again-as well as the last month is over and you don't have to  go through that again..  You are doing it Marta--it may not be a easy and can get overwhelming - but you are doing....Look at all that you have endured--hug yourself-smile with how courageous you are....♥️ 

Go to Bayliss's web site  https://baylissa.com/user-guide/ so many links on here to help you----go to the one for gentle reminders--recorded messages from Baylissa--

Here are a couple of encouraging reminders that you can print out I got from someone-

 

When withdrawal anxiety is high and I am in 'fight' or 'flight'

or 'freeze' mode, it is difficult for me to be grounded and to

maintain perspective. I lose sight of the fact that this

experience is temporary and that it is leading me to my long-

awaited recovery. I am consumed with what is happening

and it can make me seem self-absorbed and uninterested in

my loved ones. This is understandable, as I spend all my time and energy

managing the bizarre symptoms, breathing through the pain,

and holding on for dear life. I miss important moments in

the lives of those around me and I also overlook just how

courageous and persevering I have been and continue to be.

So today, I acknowledge my strength and I accept that while

I may spend much of my time consumed with coping, this

does not mean that I am self-centered or selfish. I am just

hypervigilant in the context of being constantly aware of my

symptoms, and of my environment, always looking for

perceived threats. I know that I will revert to normal when

this is over. am compassionate and gentle with myself, in the

meantime, knowing that no matter how intense and

overwhelming my symptoms are, I will cope well. I trust that

eventually I will begin to notice improvements and when the

timing is right for me, this challenge will end with my

recovery.

 

 

Don't give up on your healing. I know it's difficult to remain hopeful because everyday you struggle with the torture of the intense and bizarre symptoms and it seems as if nothing is changing. So I am here to be the rational, "non-withdrawal" voice in your head and to remind you of the reality : that no matter how long it is taking, this challenge is temporary. One day you will wake up and something will be different. It will be more than a "window", it will be the long-awaited break, the last lap, the finishing line in view.

Then it will be over, and you will be able to navigate your way out from under the rubble, brush yourself off, pick up the pieces and get on with your life.

What awaits you on the other side is worth you holding on for. Nothing in life will ever again faze you. You will have a different perspective on life, and it won't take much to make you feel content. 

♥️🤗

 

[Escitalopram21]

I just read your thread @Marta

I am so sorry for what you are going through! Sending love and encouragement your way ❤️

[Ariel]

@Marta

Thinking of you and sending love

[Ninabird]

Marta,

How are you doing? I’m praying for you. 
🌺❤️🙏🏻

[Pens]

On 5/13/2022 at 5:56 AM, Marta said:

@Shep I just wanted to update. The neurologist checked me carefully and didn't see any neurological disorders. He ordered some blood tests. He said there are many viruses that can cause muscles problems but i should recover. He will see me again in July. 

 

For me I feel terrible, no any improvement. 24/7 physical symptoms that are not morphing and anxiety/terror continuously.

 

I am taking this 0.1mg since 7/5 but I don't feel any change. I don't know if I should try more or give up.

 

I don't know what to say anymore. 

 

Hi @Marta,you are so strong I know a lot of us can relate to what you’re going through. I’m keeping you in my prayers, hang on the support group here is wonderful and will help you I know. I’m sending hugs your way.  No give up.🤗🤗❤️❤️

[Marta]

I am doing always bad. No improvements. I start to think my strange physical symptoms may have come from the mussles. It was what started all.

I am desperate. As I used the floriquinolone antibiotics like 10 years ago they may have reactivate something??? I don't know anymore. I have a long term damage, every day I don't feel any improvement